* Men.
WOMAN (on TV): Bill, did you notice that girl
in the bikini coming down the slope?
MAN (on TV): I did...
You might want to eat something
so that when you throw up later,
it won't just be alcohol and stomach juice.
Way ahead of you.
I call it an Egg McBourbon.
So this is your life now?
You just sit here miserable and alone,
waiting for Chelsea to call?
I'm not waiting for her to call.
I'm watching TV. Hmm.
And occasionally, I cry.
You do realize you're watching the Weather Channel?
WOMAN (on TV): All the way to the South East...
(dramatic instrumental music plays on TV)
Happy?
Oh, yeah, The Pet Channel.
Who doesn't enjoy seeing a dog get his anal glands expressed?
(phone ringing)
Chelsea?
(sighs)
Your ex-wife.
Oh.
Speaking of having one's anal glands expressed.
Hi, Judith. What's up?
Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.
That's terrible.
Oh. Her grandfather died.
He was 94. It's no big deal.
(clears throat)
Well, he's in a better place now.
He has to be.
He lived in Sacramento.
I'm sorry. What's that?
You're kidding.
Oh. Oh, I-I...
I always loved that clock.
He left me his grandfather clock.
Very old, worth a fortune.
I can sell it and buy a new car.
Oh, Judith, that's just tragic.
So, uh, when are they going to deliver the clock?
Oh. Yeah, yeah.
I guess your grandmother does have more important things
to box up now...
like your grandfather.
You're right, not funny.
She never got my sense of humor.
Uh, well, I guess I'll just drive up
to Sacramento and pick it up.
Uh, once again, my deepest sympathies.
Okay.
Score!
Help me out here.
Why would Judith's grandfather leave you a valuable antique?
He liked me. I was the only one in the family
who would sit for hours listening
to his stupid stories about Korea.
He fought in Korea?
No, he was a sex tourist.
Very creepy.
You know, I always admired that clock.
I remember the first time I saw it, I said,
"Bill, that is a hell of a clock you got there."
Uh, and he was hard of hearing,
so that led to the Korea stories.
Oh, hey,
you want to drive up and get it with me?
Let's see.
Do I want to drive six hours to Sacramento
to pick up a dead guy's clock?
With me.
Don't take this the wrong way,
but I would rather get a maple syrup enema
and then sit on an anthill.
You didn't just make that up.
No. No, I've actually compiled a list of things I'd rather do
than spend long periods of time with you in an enclosed space.
Want to hear some more?
No, thank you.
You sure? 'Cause I got a beauty
that involves hemorrhoids, a bottle brush and sea salt.
I get it.
I'll just take Jake.
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
So both you and Jake are gonna be gone? Yes.
Score!
* Men.
MAN (on TV): Here's ordinary cat litter
after five days of continuous use
by a relatively healthy cat.
Yuck! Looks bad, smells worse.
Now, here's Magic Pussy Litter
with its patented Cluster Busters...
That is really cool.
Hey.
What you watching?
An amazing breakthrough in cat crap technology.
Dad says you're vegging in front of the TV
'cause you still miss Chelsea.
Well, he's right for a change.
You know, I kind of do, too.
Remember how she would come down in the morning,
and lean over to pour cereal for breakfast,
and you could see right down her robe?
Too soon?
What are you doing up so late?
I was hungry.
Want to join me for a grilled cheese sandwich?
Nah. Pigs in a blanket?
I'm all right.
Two ice cream sandwiches on a waffle?
I'll pass.
It's no trouble,
I'm making 'em anyway.
I'm fine.
You know, I really am sorry about you and Chelsea.
Well, thanks, buddy.
Her boobs are real, right?
Yup.
Outstanding.
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh
* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Ah. * Men. * Men.
When can I drive?
When I get tired.
Relax, take in the scenery.
Okay, now what?
I don't know.
Um... we enjoy each other's company.
All right.
Okay, now what?
Oh, come on.
This is a golden opportunity to get to know each other
as more than just father and son.
What else are we?
We're two men on the open road, free and unencumbered.
Oh.
What's unencumbered?
Uh, no restraints.
We can do whatever we want.
Okay.
I want to drive.
Later. Pick something else.
(passes wind squeakily)
Oh! (laughs)
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Yeah.
Oh!
Oh, well, very funny.
Uh, so you want to go toot for toot? Well, check this out.
(passes wind)
(laughs) Wow.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
That is a bran muffin and a half a grapefruit, my friend.
Yeah, well, this is grilled cheese sandwich,
pigs in a blanket and a waffle ice cream sandwich.
(passes wind)
Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
Well, this is an antidepressant
and a mochaccino.
(passes wind)
Uh-oh.
Keep an eye out for a gas station.
* Men.
28, 29, 30.
Aw, hell, she ain't gonna miss one.
Hey, Russell.
Oh, hey, Charlie.
You want a muscle relaxer?
You take one with a Viagra,
and you're essentially Gumby with a Pokey.
(laughs)
No, thanks.
I actually have a prescription from a doctor.
Whoa. Look at you
following the letter and spirit of the law.
Sleeping pills.
Those can be fun.
You know, with a couple Red Bulls
so you don't fall asleep.
Party is over, Russell.
I need to get some sleep.
Oh. Well, then you don't want this.
Nope.
You want something organic,
something created by Mother Nature.
What do you got in mind? Ganja.
You trying to sell me pot?
Ah, not just pot.
I call this Ojai So-high.
Two hits, and a couple of chicken burritos,
and it's "Goodnight, Irene."
Don't you need a prescription for that?
What are you, a cop?
Okay, okay, but you're just driving the price up.
Hello.
Oh, Dr. Gollygupta.
Russell here.
Oh, hello, Russell.
How are they hanging?
Twice the length of my penis, thanks for asking.
My friend here needs a prescription.
All right, uh, let me see him.
Oh, okay.
Charlie, I'd like you to meet Dr. Gollygupta
of the Gollygupta Hypertension and Glaucoma Clinic
in Sri Lanka.
Please to turn your head and cough.
Just turn your head... Yeah. (coughs)
(coughs) There you go.
Oh, that's no good.
I'll send you a prescription.
(phone ringing)
Excuse me.
Hello, DirecTV customer service.
Roger speaking.
(printer beeps)
Oh, here it is.
Ah. Great news, Charlie.
You've got glaucoma!
* Men.
You know, for gas station sweatpants,
these aren't bad.
I beg to differ.
May I say that you have become a very good driver?
Grand Theft Auto, Dad.
It'd like driver's ed, but with pimps and hos.
Well, whatever.
So, uh, have you given any more thought
to what you want to do after high school?
If this is the college talk,
I think we need to both be realistic.
Hey, hey, I know
a big university is probably out of reach for the time being,
but there's still junior colleges,
community colleges, trade schools.
Hmm, man, I'd like to trade schools right now
'cause this one's kicking my ass.
Come on, Jake.
You know what I'm talking about.
You have to start making plans.
Did you have plans when you were my age?
Yeah, I had big plans.
What happened to 'em?
Just drive.
My life isn't over, you know.
Okay.
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Well, then, you must be like The Hulk.
Let me tell you something, young man.
Chapter two of your father's story has yet to be written.
Is chapter one "I Crapped My Pants"?
* Men.
Is that what I think it is?
Yeah. I got a prescription.
God, I love California.
Just walk into a store and buy your weed.
No more schlepping out to Reseda
and trading a piece of tail
for a short bag of stems and seeds.
You're welcome to join me here.
No, no, not while I'm working.
All right.
Okay, I'm done working.
Man...
if I'd known you liked the wacky weed,
I wouldn't have spent the last eight years
getting baked under the deck.
You know, when I was on break.
Actually, this is the first time I've touched the stuff
since a ZZ Top concert in '92.
I got so paranoid, I locked myself in a Porta Potti
and tried to tunnel home.
(laughs)
Well, good news.
Pot's a lot stronger now.
What do you think?
I've rolled better joints on the back of a motorcycle
while digging a bullet out of my boyfriend's shoulder.
All right, fine.
You try it.
Oh, man, I hope this helps me sleep.
I can't take another night,
wandering around the house, thinking about Chelsea.
Yeah, yeah, boo-hoo.
Let's fire up this bad boy.
* Men. *
This is stupid.
We should've just left it in the car.
Well, it's very valuable, Jake.
I don't want to see it stolen.
Who steals clocks?
Clocktomaniacs.
You have your mother's sense of humor.
Okay, let's put her down real easy.
Okay.
O-kay.
Good.
So, it looks like we have a couple of hours
of daylight left.
How about you and I get to know our state capital?
You want to drive to San Francisco?
No, Sacramento is the capital of California.
I don't think so.
Trust me.
Come on, got a map from the lobby
that shows all the places of interest in Old Sac.
(chuckles) Old sac. Get it?
Oh, yeah.
That was much better than my joke.
JAKE: Look at us, a couple of nuts
hanging out in Sacramento.
* Men. *
(both laughing)
Do it again.
No, no. Oh, come on, please.
Do it again. Do it again.
All right, all right. Last time. All right.
(à la federale): Badges?
We don't need no stinkin' badges!
Okay, okay, I got one.
I got one.
(à la Karl from Sling Blade) Mm.
Some folks call it a sling blade.
I call it a kaiser blade.
Mm. (laughing)
I like them French fried taters.
Mmm.
Oh, good idea.
Where you going?
To the pier to get some of them French fried taters.
No. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What?
I love you, Berta.
I love you, too, Charlie.
Give me a thousand dollars.
Why?
Well, if you have to ask, you don't really love me.
Oh, oh, and-and pretzels!
Get some pretzels! Pretzels?
We don't need no stinkin' pretzels!
(chuckles)
Oh, man, I'm so lucky to have her in my life.
You've had a lot of wonderful women in your life.
But you always find a way to sabotage the relationship.
Chelsea?
MIA: She's right, Charlie.
If there's a way it can be blown, you'll blow it.
And not in the fun way.
Mia?
Tell me something, Charlie.
Do you think your inability to commit
and all your macho posturing
is because deep down, you're afraid you're gay?
You know,
I've wondered that, too.
Are you just a big ol' 'mo?
LYDIA: He's not a 'mo.
He's got mommy issues.
Lots and lots of mommy issues.
Lydia!
Hey, it's Lydia.
EVELYN: Excuse me.
Why does everyone blame the mother?
Frankly, I think you were more on target
with that homo theory.
Okay, I don't want to be high anymore!
*
* Men. *
Hey, ask me why they should change the name
of the Sacramento Kings to the Sacramento Nads?
Why?
That way, everyone can chant, "Go Nads!
Go Nads!"
Another winner.
Yeah, I may not be good at school or sports,
but no one beats me at ball jokes.
I'm so proud.
Can we watch TV?
You can watch TV anytime.
Let's talk.
You sure?
That hardly ever goes well.
Come on, what's going on in your life?
Nothing.
Oh, please, you're 16.
That-that's a very tumultuous time.
I mean, especially with all the sexual issues
and the drugs and the internet.
Yeah. You gonna eat your chicken skin?
Help yourself.
You ask me, the skin's the best part.
Yeah, but it's not good for you.
Anyway, about your life...
Hey, there's a business opportunity.
Go to all those skinless chicken restaurants,
and take the skin that they throw away
and open up a restaurant next door named "El Pollo Skin-o."
That means "the chicken skin" in Spanish.
That's very clever.
And guess where we'll open up our first restaurant?
Sacramento.
Charming.
Then Muncie, Indiana, home of Ball State University.
Then Lake Titicaca.
Not a ball joke, but still funny.
Excuse me.
(muffled screaming)
What are you doing?
Screaming into a towel.
Oh.
I'm gonna watch TV.
Okay.
*
(muffled screaming)
* Men. *
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
How many times has that
been said in this bed?
Or in this chair?
Or all over this rug?
On the balcony
looking at the ocean?
(speaking Polish)
You're not here!
None of you are here!
Wow, so this is the bedroom.
I never got past the couch.
What are you complaining about?
I never got out of the car.
He did me in a little church in Van Nuys.
Right in the pew.
I would never let him do me in the pew.
He dumped me when I said, "I love you."
He dumped me
when he saw my penis.
Me, too.
And he never called me again.
Why, Charlie?
Why didn't you call?
(women clamoring)
I was busy.
I lost your number!
I was out of town!
You had a penis!
You, I don't know what that thing was!
(panting)
*
This isn't happening.
Hey, Charlie. (gasps)
Oh, Rose, not you, too.
Why not me, too?
Look, I'm really sorry about our one-night stand.
I know I should've called you.
Yes, you should have.
Tell you what.
After I come down off this stupid pot,
How about I'll call the real you
and take you out on a proper date,
tell you how much you mean to me--
how much you've always meant to me?
The real me would like that very much.
All I could find was donuts and chalupas.
Hey, Rose!
Wait, you can see her?
Yeah, why?
(whispering): Can't you?
What the hell's going on?
You're imagining Berta.
Are you really here?
I don't know, am I?
Call me.
Okay, roll another fatty,
and let's polish off these donuts.
* Men. *
Why can't I drive?
Because we are carrying a very fragile clock
that is worth a lot of money. (sighs)
So when you sell it, what are you gonna do with the cash?
Uh, I'm not sure.
I might buy a new car.
I might pay your Uncle Charlie some of what I owe him.
Uh, I might put it in your college fund.
So what kind of car are you going to get?
I got my eye on a Lexus convertible.
Sweet. You know what?
That means you can have this one.
No, thanks.
I want to get one of those new Camaros.
Red with yellow racing stripes.
And then I'm gonna get a big, flaming skull
painted on the hood.
Don't you think you ought to wait
to see how the people at Domino's feel about that?
Really?
You think I can get a job at Domino's?
Hey, a man's reach should exceed his grasp
or what's a heaven for?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
It means that as a human, we should--
Oh, no!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Now can I drive?
* Men.