* Men.*
So, I'm confused.
Is Edward the gay vampire or the gay werewolf?
The vampire.
And he's not gay, he's... androgynous.
So he can write with both hands, big deal.
No, I mean...
Never mind.
I'll tell you what's a great movie--
Jackass 2. (turns off TV)
Now, I know what you're thinking: sequels suck.
But not that one.
There's this one part where this guy
puts on a diver's helmet with a hose attached,
and this fat guy farts into the tube until he pukes.
The guy in the diver's helmet, not the fat guy.
Sounds puerile.
Oh, yeah, it's totally puerile.
Unless puerile isn't good.
In which case, it's totally un-puerile.
Anti-puerile?
Maybe we shouldn't talk.
CHARLIE: Hello!
(door closes) Oh, crap.
Is that your dad?
No, worse.
My drunken uncle.
I just pray he remembered to pull up his zipper.
There's my main man.
Jake-o-roonie, Jake-o-reenie,
Jake the snake!
Who are you?
Megan.
Meg-a-roonie, Meg-a-reenie,
Megan the snagan.
Zipper, Uncle Charlie.
Oop, good catch.
Thought you had a date tonight.
Not a date, a date experience.
What's the difference?
About $1,500.
So, Megan,
what's your deal?
Trying to teach your parents a lesson?
I'm in Jake's homeroom.
Got it. Yeah, I was pretty sure
you didn't meet him in honors math class.
Boy, I remember being your age.
Going out with Beth Anderson.
She was head cheerleader.
I was crazy about her, but she dumped me
and left me with nothing but a broken heart.
And the clap.
The what?
Wow, you kids today have no idea what that is, do you?
I know it sounds cute.
The clap!
But it burns like hell.
I think I'd better get home.
Wait, don't go.
He'll be passed out in ten minutes.
I'll see you in homeroom.
Come on, Megan.
Thanks a lot!
You're welcome!
I'm really gonna get you back for this.
Okey-dokey.
Megan, hold up!
Oh, Beth Anderson.
Every time it hurts when I pee,
I think of you.
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Men. * Ooh.
* Men.
Charlie.
(groggily): What?
Sign this.
I'm not signing anything till I see a lawyer.
Wake up!
What?
Birthday card for Mom.
Sign it.
No, thanks.
Come back with a "do not resuscitate" form
and we'll talk.
Come on, Charlie.
What did we get her?
You mean, "What did I get her?"
No, I mean, what did I pay for?
We went 50-50 on engraved stationery.
50-50?
Okay, 100-zero.
But I will pay you back.
Right.
I assume you don't want to go with me and Jake
to give her her present and wish her a happy birthday.
And I assume you're never gonna pay me back.
We are a well-oiled machine.
"Mom, you know how I feel.
Charlie."
Straight from the heart.
* Men.
This just blows.
Come on. (doorbell rings)
Seeing you is going to make your grandmother very happy.
EVELYN (over speaker): What do you two want?
Hi, Mom!
Happy birthday!
(muttering): Happy birthday.
We brought you a gift.
EVELYN: Doesn't give you license to show up unannounced,
but all right.
(lock buzzes)
She just better keep me in the will.
EVELYN: I can hear you, Jake.
Love you, Grandma.
* Men.
Just so you know,
I like this even less than you do.
That's hard to believe.
ALAN: I got to tell you,
Mom, you are looking younger every year.
Uh-huh.
I do.
I don't.
So, uh, do you like your present?
It's stationery with a big "E" on it.
It stands for "Evelyn."
Very good, darling.
Uncle Charlie said the "E" was for "evil."
So, any... any big birthday plans?
Like what?
I don't know. Hot date?
As a matter of fact, I did have a date.
What happened? He cancelled.
Whoa, you got dumped on your birthday?
That is so puerile.
Or is it?
What is wrong with him?
Nothing organic. We've had him checked.
So, is there birthday cake?
Oh, Jake, what is to become of you?
Thank God my life is mostly behind me.
I'd hate to be your age, preparing to make my way
in a world that's coming apart at the seams,
while having no discernible job skills
or charisma whatsoever.
So is that a yea or nay on the cake?
* Men.
Bye, Mom! Happy birthday!
Whoa, that was grim.
Yeah, who has a birthday party without cake?
Your uncle really dodged a bullet, didn't he?
Yeah, he did.
Hey, Dad...
maybe we shouldn't leave Grandma alone.
She seemed kind of depressed.
Oh, uh, don't worry.
She doesn't commit suicide. She inspires it.
I was just thinking maybe it'd be nice
to have her to Uncle Charlie's for a real birthday dinner.
You know, Jake, it's moments like this that make me proud.
You've got a big heart.
Okay, we'll bring her back to Uncle Charlie's.
* Men.
Hey. Hey.
How was your time in hell?
So good he brought a little back with him.
Hey. Hey, Mom.
Happy birthday.
I-I...
would have come over, but...
Oh, come on, do I really need a reason?
That's all right. I don't expect much from you.
And you never disappoint me.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to drown my sorrows in alcohol.
If you're not committed to alcohol,
there's a whole big ocean out there.
What the hell are you doing?
Oh, I just thought it would be nice
if we had a little birthday dinner for her.
You thought it would be nice to bring Mom to my house?
Actually, it was Jake's idea.
Of course. Jake.
And where is... the boy?
It's Sunday. I dropped him off at his Mom's.
(phone rings)
Hey, Uncle Charlie. How's it going?
You rat bastard.
Payback's a bitch, ain't it?
Bye.
What did he mean, "payback's a bitch"?
EVELYN: Damn it, Charlie,
how am I supposed to make a martini
without green olives?
He misspoke.
He meant, "the bitch is payback."
* Men.
(sighs)
So this is it?
We're just going to sit here watching television
till dinnertime?
I'm hoping to do it till bedtime.
We can't talk?
What would you like to talk about?
Don't encourage her, Alan.
Well, what comes immediately to mind
is the futility of love,
the disappointment of family,
and the inevitability of death.
I'd be right with you if "inevitable" meant "now."
Well, I am sorry,
but I cannot go along with you two gloomy Guses.
I look at life, and I see the cup as half full.
But the cup belongs to your brother,
and what it's half full of is tears.
(laughs) Good one, Mom.
You're no one to talk.
He at least aspires to normalcy,
tries to have meaningful relationships with women.
You go out with a girl and break up with her
before her hoo-ha can develop a 5:00 shadow.
Well, uh, in his defense, Mom,
he's usually paying by the hour.
Very smart, Alan.
Bite the syphilitic hand that feeds you.
Well, if neither of you is going to refill my drink,
I'll do it myself.
Help yourself, Mom.
I keep the vodka in a bleach bottle.
I can't take this anymore. I got to get out of here.
You're gonna leave me alone with her?
Hey, hey, I was alone with her
for two years before you were born. You owe me.
Why don't we both make a break for it?
Okay. Great.
On three.
One...
Two...
You're supposed to say "go" after "three."
Before we pick up the olives, can we stop at a pharmacy?
Sure.
Isn't anybody gonna ask why?
Fine. Uh, why?
Don't ask if you don't care.
It's a woman problem.
'Nough said.
As you get older, certain parts of your body
don't lubricate properly.
Please, God, tell me you have to pick up some Visine.
I'm not talking about my eyes, Charlie.
(groaning) (groaning)
Oh, sure, one can masturbate to keep things flowing,
but it's not the same as actual intercourse.
What's his problem?
Just give him a minute.
* Men.
That was very rude
leaving us sitting there on the side of the road.
Would you rather I threw up in the car?
Hey, Charlie.
Oh, hey, Russell.
This is my mother Evelyn and my brother Alan.
Hi. Hey.
Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.
Can I interest you folks in a codeine Popsicle?
It's my own invention.
I think we're good, Russell.
You suck on one of these, you'll be great.
I call it "Springtime on a Stick."
Yeah, listen,
my mom needs some, um...
RUSSELL: Mm-hmm?
Mom?
Birth control pills.
Do you have a prescription?
Kidding. We're all friends here. Oh. (laughs)
Come on back, and I'll show you our selection.
Oh, aren't you a doll?
And I'm anatomically correct.
Oh, good to know.
Why did she ask for birth control pills?
Gee, Alan, I don't know.
Maybe she didn't want to lead with her dry hoo-ha.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yes, but this time, let's be clear.
Do we run on "go" or just "three"?
Oh, no, no. There's no running.
Let's set her up with Russell.
Oh, gee, I'm not so sure that's a good match.
When the hell did this become eHarmony?
We just need to get her out of our hair.
Oh, right, right.
Follow my lead.
Thanks, Russell.
These'll be just fine. Hmm.
What do I owe you?
Oh, it's on the house.
Any mom of Charlie's
is a potential lifelong customer of mine.
Aren't you sweet!
Or it could just be Mr. Popsicle talking.
Hey, listen, Russell, um,
we're having a little birthday dinner for Mom tonight,
so if you're not doing anything, maybe you'd like to join us.
Oh, what a wonderful idea.
I'd love to.
What can I bring--
Xanax, Ritalin?
What are you serving?
Chinese takeout.
Then, perhaps something from the opiate family.
(Evelyn laughs)
Bring whatever you want.
Done and done.
And I will see you later, birthday girl.
Well, I'll see you later, anatomically correct boy.
So, around 7:00?
With bells on. Thanks for the invite.
You're welcome.
You poor, clueless bastard.
* Men.
I don't know why I didn't think of this years ago.
Russell's perfect for Mom.
They've both been divorced multiple times,
they're both trying desperately to hang onto their youth,
plus, they're both big fans of class A narcotics.
Does Russell have kids?
Uh, none that he admits to.
BOTH: Just like Mom.
EVELYN: Well, boys,
what do you think?
Wow, you look terrific.
It's not too much, is it?
No, no, no, the bright colors are good for Russell.
It keeps him from nodding off.
I just want you both to know how grateful I am for everything
you've done to make this a special birthday for me.
Well, you're-you're welcome, Mom.
Just want to make you happy.
Thank you, but if you really wanted to make me happy,
you would have made different life choices.
(doorbell rings)
Oh, that's him.
Hang on.
All right, open the door.
Russell?
Russell!
Oh, hi, Charlie.
This is Jill.
Oh, hi, Jill. Come on in.
Thanks.
What's with the date?
Well, you said bring whatever I want.
I want her.
I'll be right back.
Where are you going? To put on panties.
* Men.
So, uh, what do you do for a living, Jill?
Well, I'm an actress, but you know how it is.
Once you turn 30, parts dry up.
You think your parts are drying up now,
wait'll you turn 50.
Ah, don't worry, sweetie.
By the time you're 50, I'll be dead.
So, how long have you two been dating?
We're not dating.
We have an arrangement.
Arrangement?
I let him climb on top of me
a couple of times a month, and he pays my rent.
Four glorious months and counting.
Hey, Russell, you mind helping me
make another batch of margaritas?
Oh, it'd be my pleasure.
You know what's good on the rim of a margarita?
Salt?
Pharmaceutical cocaine.
It's actually good around the rim of anything.
Okay, I'm only gonna ask this once.
What did you think I meant when I invited you
to a birthday dinner for my single mother?
I don't know.
When you came into the store,
I was higher than Mel Gibson on Passover.
I cannot believe you actually walked in here
with a smokin' hot 30-year-old.
What's so hard to believe?
She's an out-of-work actress, and I have money and drugs.
I guess this isn't exactly the birthday party
you were hoping for.
No, no, what every woman dreams of is her sons fixing her up
with a man who arrives with a young, hot... arrangement.
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
when he touches me, I want to vomit.
It actually does, thank you.
You know, it's, uh... it's funny you should say that.
Um, my first wife Judith, uh, towards the end of our marriage,
uh, used to make this face like, uh, like she was gagging.
Sort of a...
No one cares, Alan.
Now, Jill, listen to me.
You still have time to make changes in your life.
You don't want to end up old and used-up and alone like me.
I'm always here for you, Mom.
(sighs)
Like I said, make changes.
CHARLIE: Okay.
Another margarita for the birthday chiquita.
Oh, hit me.
Um, Evelyn, I believe I owe you an apology.
(Russell sighs)
When Charlie invited me to dinner,
I had no idea that he was thinking
that you and I were a potential couple.
I mean, you're
a handsome woman...
...but my tastes run more to
baby veal.
I understand.
She's veal, and I'm jerky.
Good, so you get it.
Excuse me.
(clears throat)
Wow. That could have been awkward.
One of us should probably go talk to her.
I'll go talk to her.
I can't believe I'm hitting that.
I can't believe I'm not hitting you.
* Men.
Wait, wait-- you're opening a drug rehab facility in Malibu?
(laughs)
No, not-not rehab, prehab.
What the hell is that? Prehab?
All right, think about it.
Rich celebrities will spend $50,000 a month
to go some place nice where they won't do drugs.
Imagine how much they would spend
to go to a snazzy place on the beach
to do them.
What about the legal issues?
What are you, a cop?
No.
Then shut up.
Hey, is it me,
or have Mom and Jill been gone for quite a while?
Time is a very subjective thing, Charlie,
especially when you're abusing powerful anti-psychotics.
One of us should probably go check and see
if everything's okay.
One of us should probably answer that phone first.
* Men.
Mom?
(water running)
EVELYN (laughing): Oh, that tickles.
JILL (laughing): You started it.
Happy birthday.
EVELYN: Oh, Jill.
JILL: Oh, Evelyn.
(women laughing)
On three?
You wait till three.
* Men.
(TV plays in the background)
I can't believe Mom ran off with this idiot's girlfriend.
I can't believe this idiot's still here.
It's not that I can't hear you.
It's that I'm busy talking to Jim Morrison.
Incredible.
Excuse me a minute, Jim.
I don't want to spook you fellas,
but I took a handful of Viagra
in anticipation of a different kind of evening.
Three. Three.
What are you looking at?