(funeral march): * Men, men, men, men
* Men, men, men, men, men, men, men. *
Hello.
I'm Charlie's brother Alan.
I want to thank you all for coming.
I know this is
a very sad day for all of us.
Speak for yourself.
Okay.
Uh, I understand that some of you have "mixed feelings."
Um... but I think we can all agree
that Charlie lived life to its fullest
and-and gave it everything he had.
Gave me herpes.
Chlamydia.
Vaginal warts.
Excuse me, this is my dead son we're talking about.
I loved him and I'm devastated that he's gone,
leaving me with nothing but my memories and my regrets
and the listing for his beautiful beachfront
Malibu getaway with three bedrooms
and three and a half baths
and a beautiful panoramic ocean view.
(sniffles)
Help yourselves to brochures out by the coffee urn.
Thank you, Mom.
Um, anyway...
Open house is Sunday, 1:00 to 5:00.
Okay.
Um, I'd like to take a moment to talk about my brother,
um, and his incredible love for life.
He also loved being spanked.
While wearing my panties.
He used my panties to make tea.
M-My point is, um, that Charlie lived life on his own terms
and-and never apologized for who he was.
Yeah, blah, blah, blah.
Why can't we see the body?
Yeah, I didn't come all this way to spit on a closed coffin.
Okay, I understand how you feel,
but unfortunately due to the circumstances of his passing,
the remains aren't exactly... spit-able.
I have a question.
O-Okay.
Uh, I wasn't planning on doing a Q and A,
uh, but go ahead.
Thank you.
Charlie owes me $38,000 for some,
let's say, pharmaceuticals.
Who do I talk to about that?
Uh, well, I think that's something
you'll have to discuss with the lawyers.
Yeah.
I'd rather not involve the law.
And now, uh, I thought we'd take this moment
to hear from the person who was with Charlie at the end.
Thank you, Alan.
Charlie Harper was the love of my life
and a wonderful, wonderful man.
(sneezes): Selfish pig.
Sure, our relationship had its ups and downs
and the occasional restraining order.
But at the end,
we ran away together to Paris, where he asked me to marry him.
I said yes.
And the next few days were the happiest of my life.
Nothing could spoil it.
Not even when I came home from shopping
and found him taking a shower with another woman.
(crowd murmuring)
That's our Charlie.
But I forgave him
because I loved him unconditionally.
So you can imagine my horror when, the very next day,
he slipped on the Metro platform
and fell in front of an oncoming train.
Never cross a crazy woman.
I just want you all to know that Charlie didn't suffer.
His body just exploded like a balloon full of meat.
Thank you.
I'm hungry.
Anyone else hungry?
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Ah. * Men. * Men.
Charlie was the best boss I ever had.
I needed a day off, "Sure, Berta, no problem."
I needed a couple
extra bucks,
"Sure, Berta, no problem."
All he ever asked in return was clean sheets
and hosing the vomit off the occasional drug-addled hooker.
What a beautiful story.
Can I count on you to keep the house clean till I sell it?
Can I count on you to keep paying me?
Well, there's virtually no money in Charlie's estate,
but I'll be happy to pay you once the house sells.
Then that's when I'll clean it.
I still don't see why we have to sell.
I mean, he left it to me.
Obviously, he wanted me to have it.
Can you make the mortgage payments? No.
Can you pay the property tax?
Not per se.
But I was kind of hoping you'd help out.
I mean, after all, your grandson lives here part-time.
(farts)
Good job raising him.
Uh, darling, I can't afford to maintain my house
and your house at the same time.
But you're my mommy.
Good job raising him.
Once I sell this place, you can come live with me.
But why would I have to?
I mean, won't I get a lot of money from the sale?
Oh, please. Charlie had three mortgages on this place.
Once we deduct closing costs and escrow fees
and my commission, you'll be lucky to break even.
Wait a minute, you're planning to take a commission?
She doesn't work for free.
Why should I?
Don't think those silent ones are fooling anybody.
* Men.
(doorbell rings)
Hi. I'm here for the open house.
Of course. Come right in.
Thank you.
Three bedrooms, three and a half baths,
60 feet of prime Malibu oceanfront.
Wait a minute, I know this place.
This is Charlie Harper's place, right?
It was.
Then I can't buy it.
Uh...
What? Why?
Bad memories.
Charlie and I had this
drunken threesome with a crazy chick right on this couch.
Sounds like a good memory.
Yeah, well, unfortunately she passed out
and Charlie and I kept going without her.
Bad memory.
Oh, the feng shui is great.
I mean, the place just oozes positive energy.
It's not practical.
The commute downtown would kill me.
Don't worry, sweetie.
Just let the universe provide.
The universe doesn't provide, I provide.
I bust my ass 80 hours a week.
Uh-oh.
Sounds like somebody needs to meditate.
Uh-oh.
Sounds like somebody needs to file for divorce.
Really?
You want to play that card?
'Cause I will take you and your uptight bourgeois family
for every penny you've got.
Bye-bye!
What a fun couple.
* Men.
(doorbell rings)
Sorry, the open house is over.
I got a package for Alan Harper.
Oh, uh, that's me.
Sign here.
Ooh, how exciting.
Wonder what it is.
It's from a crematorium,
so that kind of narrows it down.
That's, uh, that's my brother.
Berta, Charlie's here!
Thank you.
Enjoy.
Well...
here we are, buddy.
Just like old times, huh?
I'm talking and you're in a bottle ignoring me.
I, uh, I wanted to tell you, uh, that I loved you,
and I will miss you,
and I will always be grateful for you taking Jake and me in,
letting us live here all these years.
So, now the question is...
what do we do with you?
I know what you said you wanted, but...
I really don't think Pamela Anderson will agree
to swallow your ashes.
Um, I-I could take you with me to live at Mom's,
but that's how horror movies start.
Hey.
Maybe I could sprinkle you on the beach.
I mean, it's simple, it's dignified,
and pretty girls covered with oil
will be sitting on you all day.
Kind of like your life.
Except for the dignified part.
All right.
(sighs)
Well...
(sighs)
I guess now is as good a time as any.
(screams) (screams)
I ain't cleaning him up.
* Men.
Can I use your phone?
Sure.
I guess.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I was just trying to drown myself.
Wait, you-you tried to commit suicide?
Yeah. But I had no idea that the water would be that cold.
Suppose I could've worn a wet suit,
but who tries to commit suicide in a wet suit, right?
That phone right there?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
Uh, you got a towel?
Oh, sure.
Thanks.
Hi. It's me.
I want you to know that I just flung myself in the ocean
'cause I can't live without you.
No, I'm not calling you from the ocean.
Because it was cold.
I don't... I'm in some guy's house.
Um, Alan Harper.
I am in Alan Harper's house.
How about it? Will you take me back?
Are you sure?
You heard what I said about the ocean, right?
Okay, fine. I'll stop bothering you.
But I want you to know that I will love you forever and ever.
Really?
That bothers you?
Okay. Bye.
You got a wet suit?
Oh, come on. It... it can't be that bad.
It could be. You don't know.
No, no, I do.
Come on. Come on. Sit down. Sit down.
Listen.
I have been where you are--
uh, rejected, friendless, broke.
I'm not broke.
I'm worth, like, a billion dollars.
Beg pardon?
1.3 is what her lawyer says, but I would give up every penny
if she would take me back.
No, no, no. You don't want to do that.
Uh... I think you can find a lot of girls for way less money.
I don't want other girls.
I want Bridget.
Right. Right.
Um, just to clarify, um,
did you say "billion" with a "buh?"
(sighs)
Listen, trust me.
Money does not buy happiness.
I wouldn't know. I've never had either.
Come on. You're doing all right.
You're living in a beach house in Malibu.
I have to sell it.
And it's not even mine; it's his.
His?
That's my dead brother.
Oh.
I'm sorry I made you spill him.
That's okay. That's okay.
I'll DustBust him later.
You know what?
I'll get out of your way.
Thank you for letting me use your phone.
Wait, hang on. You sure you're okay?
Yeah. I'm just going to go back to my hotel room
and update my Facebook status to "not dead yet."
Wait, wait, wait. I... I just went to one funeral.
I-I don't want to be involved in another one.
Why don't you and I go out and have a drink and talk?
About what?
Oh, I don't know.
The weather, politics.
Why somebody would want to kill themselves
when they have a billion freaking dollars.
Come on.
We'll, uh, put your clothes in the dryer.
All right.
Oh, by the way...
I'm Walden. Walden Schmidt.
Well, it's nice to meet you, Walden Schmidt.
Oh. Oh, sure. I suppose there's no reason
you can't undress right here in the living room.
Oh, Skivvies coming off, too.
Okay. Okay, well, uh, no body issues.
Lucky you. That's...
You're a good guy, Alan Harper.
Oh, and he's a hugger as well.
Okeydokey.
I'll be right back.
$1.3 billion,
and he's hung like an elephant.
* Men.
Uh, I will have an appletini.
Uh, and, um...?
Oh, uh, ginger ale, please.
Really?
Fresh off a suicide attempt,
and you're ordering a ginger ale?
Yeah. I don't like the taste of alcohol.
Nobody likes the taste of alcohol.
We like the effects of alcohol.
How it makes you feel tall, good-looking and smart.
I am tall, good-looking and smart.
Give him an appletini.
So, just out of curiosity,
how does someone get to be worth so much money?
Oh, it's pretty simple, really.
You ever hear of Blungogo.com?
No.
And you never will,
because Microsoft bought it from me
for $1.3 billion, and then they bundled it
with their iPod killer, the Zune.
Really?
I don't think it came with my Zune.
You bought a Zune?
I had a coupon.
Cheers?
Oh. Cheers.
(both groan)
So, don't take this the wrong way,
but I can't get the image of your penis out of my mind.
Thank you. That's very sweet.
* Men.
You don't understand.
Bridget was my high school sweetheart.
She was the love of my life.
So why'd she leave you?
She catch you with another woman?
No. Sex no good?
No, it was great.
Are you sure?
'Cause sometimes they'll tell you it's good,
and then you find out later
they hated the very touch of you.
Happened to a guy I know.
Well, she said that I was emotionally immature.
You mean like threatening suicide
unless she takes you back?
That is not immature; that's romantic.
Shut up.
Well, regardless, I-I know what you're going through.
I mean, I married my college sweetheart,
and when she divorced me, I was devastated.
Why did she leave you?
Not a clue. She's a crazy bitch.
The point is, when life serves you
ball breakers who rip your heart out,
you have to make...
ball breaker-ade.
Bridget never broke my balls.
If anything, she treated them
with tenderness and respect.
Okay. Okay, just for tonight,
will you... will you forget about Bridget
and-and just try to meet somebody new?
Like who?
I don't know.
How about... how about her?
Really?
What would I say?
Uh, well, I would not lead with the testicle anecdote.
Just... just say hi.
Okay.
Hi.
I'm Walden. Kelly.
So, Kelly...
My... wife dumped me, and I want to die.
Oh, you poor baby.
(sobbing): I love her so much.
I... I don't...
Whew! I don't know...
if I can ever love anyone
the way that I love her.
That's the most beautiful thing that I've ever heard.
Oh, it'll be okay.
Oh, God, I miss my wife!
* Men.
(ladies chuckling)
Here is where I live.
Oh.
Nice.
Just me and my broken heart.
Alan, I... I think I should go back to my hotel.
Are you nuts?
We're doing great.
This crap about loving our exes is gold.
My brother would be so proud.
What, the dude in the DustBuster?
Yeah.
Ah. Uh, ladies, uh, who's up for a libation?
A what? Huh?
A... a drink-- alcohol.
Sure. Great.
Oh. Be right back.
What's upstairs?
I don't know. Probably a bedroom.
Why don't we go find out?
Uh... okay.
Hey, shouldn't we tell Alan where we're going?
No. No.
Who's ready for margaritas?
WALDEN: Wow!
One at a time, ladies! One at a time.
(ladies giggling)
Well, this is depressingly familiar.
Shut up.
* Men.
Morning.
Oh, good golly.
Oh, uh, I'm Walden.
I'm impressed.
Oh. Alan.
Guess what.
I had sex with two girls last night.
Great. Um, I masturbated and cried myself to sleep.
I like my night better.
Oh, hey.
I dig your house, so I'm going to buy it, okay?
Oh, okay.
Thanks.
You're the best.
Oh... ah.
Whoa.
Um, this is Walden.
He's going to buy the house.
Welcome to my humble abode.
I like him.
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