Previously on...
Great news, Alan.
Berta has agreed to be
my live-in housekeeper.
Yeah, he talked me into it.
I wonder what his sweat tastes like.
Time for me to go.
Wait. Come here.
Give us a hug good-bye.
(chuckles)
I'm taking your room, Zippy.
You saved my butt back there.
I owe you big-time.
If there's anything that you need,
any way I can help you...
Well, really uncomfortable living at my mom's.
Um, do you think I could stay here for a few days
while I find my own place?
Yeah, no problem.
I'm back.
♪ Men.
♪ When Alan comes marching home again, hurrah, hurrah ♪
♪ We'll give him a hearty welcome then, hurrah, hurrah. ♪
Hello, room.
Do you miss me?
Whoa! Whoa!
What the hell are you doing here?
I live here.
What the hell are you doing here?
Walden said I could stay for a couple of days.
You don't stay anywhere for a couple of days.
Besides, this is my room now.
It was my room first.
Walden!
Why don't you just take Jake's room?
Why don't I just rip your arm off and slap you silly with it?
Oh, hey.
What's going on?
Did you tell him he could stay here?
Yeah, just for a couple days.
Okay, I've got to explain something to you.
This guy is like genital herpes.
Once you got 'em,
you got 'em for life.
Now, th-that's not very fair.
How long did you tell your brother you'd be here?
You know what, I'll just move over to Jake's room.
Good idea, go to Jake's room.
Wait, why are we calling it Jake's room?
Herpes has a kid.
Herpes Junior?
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... ♪
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ah. * Men. * Men.
♪ Men.
Hey. What you doing?
I'm building a neural metric backend
for a social media aggregator.
If I nail it, I can revolutionize
the entire online entertainment sector.
Ooh. Neural metrics.
Cool.
You know, I buy all my underwear online.
Add to cart.
(doorbell rings)
Oh, no, no, no. Let me get that, boss.
"Add to cart."
That's adorable.
What are you guys doing here?
It's your weekend to have custody of this.
Hello.
Uh, Judith, I told you I'm a guest here.
I can't just bring my kid over without asking.
So ask. Bye.
Uh, Judith, Judith.
Wait, Judith!
She left the car running, Dad.
All right, all right.
Uh, all right, don't move.
Don't-Don't come in the house.
Just stand right here.
But I really have to...
Okay, how am I gonna play this?
Dishonestly.
Hey, Walden...
Good news. I just got an e-mail from Bridget,
we're going out to dinner tonight.
Oh, dating the ex.
Always good news.
Uh, hey, speaking of broken families and good news, uh,
do you remember my son Jake?
Uh, yeah.
Nice kid with the big head?
Mm.
Yeah, I like him.
Uh, and he liked you, too.
Uh, so much so that he decided to drop by and say hi.
Where is he?
Oh, he's waiting outside.
I told him you can't just
come over to someone's house unannounced.
Why not? I do it all the time.
Yeah, but you're a handsome billionaire.
People are always happy to see you.
I also told him there was no way he could sleep over.
Why not?
You wouldn't mind?
Why would I mind?
(urine sloshing)
(zipper closing) Hey.
No reason.
He's a great kid.
♪ Men.
Okay, you need to keep in mind that it's not like the old days.
I am a guest here.
You mean like the old days when you were a guest here?
I was not a guest.
Right, 'cause guests eventually leave.
Charlie was my brother; he loved having me here.
Wow. Denial isn't just a river in South America.
Africa.
What about it?
Never mind.
Just-Just behave yourself while you're here.
Fine. Can I have some privacy now?
Oh, well, that actually leads me to another thing.
Um, see, Berta's got my room now, so...
No!
Yes. No!
It's just temporary.
I'm not sleeping with my dad!
When you go to college, you'll have a roommate.
Yeah, but it won't be you.
Come on, it'll be just like that time we went camping.
I was ten and it was the worst weekend of my life.
Hey, I didn't enjoy it either,
but it's a father-son memory we'll share forever!
What are we gonna do, sleep on the same bed?
No, I'll get the air mattress out of the garage.
That you'll sleep on.
No! No! Yes! Yes!
All right, all right! Forget about it.
Look, okay, I will pack up our stuff
and we will go back to Grandma's.
Fine.
(scoffs)
Fine.
Okay.
Don't come crying to me when she starts driving you crazy.
I won't.
And remember, at Grandma's,
you got to pee sitting down so there's no splatter.
I'll manage, and that's how you pee anyway.
I'm not bluffing, Jake.
I believe you.
All right, I'll sleep on the stupid air mattress!
Good.
Three more seconds and I would've folded.
Damn!
♪ Men.
So, where do you want to go to dinner tonight?
What do you mean?
You always pick the restaurant.
Well, who says the man's supposed to pick the restaurant?
Well, that's a stupid rule.
Okay, yeah, I'll-I'll pick a restaurant.
Okay, bye.
Hey, Jake, do you know a romantic restaurant
I can take a girl to dinner?
How about Souplantation?
Is it good?
Are you kidding?
All-you-can-eat salad, soup, pasta.
I am in.
Dude.
What?
That's my sandwich.
It's delicious.
(sighs)
So what's your deal?
Huh?
What's your deal?
I'm 17. I don't think I have a deal yet.
Ah, come on.
Everybody's got a deal.
Your deal is you got no deal.
Cool.
I'm a man without a deal.
What are you, like, a high school senior or something?
Well, I should be, but they got this dumb rule
that you have to pass every single course.
I think five out of seven is plenty, don't you?
Heck yeah.
In eighth grade, I flunked all my courses.
Really?
Yeah.
My mom had me evaluated.
Turns out, I was just bored
'cause I was too smart for all the classes.
Huh. Maybe that's my problem.
I'm too freakin' smart.
Ow!
I'm sorry.
I just think we need to establish some boundaries.
Hey, don't make hitting your deal.
♪ Men.
(wheezing)
(blowing)
Hey, Dad?
Hang on.
(panting)
(groans)
Didn't you used to have a bicycle pump?
Yeah, and I also used to have my own room.
What do you want, Jake?
Okay, so you know how you're worried that 'cause I get
bad grades in high school that I'm not gonna be able
to get into college and then find a job to support myself?
That pretty much sums it up, yeah.
Well, it turns out, I get bad grades 'cause I'm too smart.
Too smart?
Yeah.
So I'm gonna forget college,
drop out of high school and start my own business.
Hold on, hold on.
You're too smart?
Yep. Walden and me have that in common.
Walden and I have that in common.
No offense, Dad, but I don't think you're that smart.
So, you're saying you want to drop out of high school?
Why not?
Did you know that Walden made
his first million before he was 19?
How many zeros in a million, Jake?
M-I-L-L-I-O-N.
One.
Okay, okay, Jake, listen carefully.
You are not dropping out of high school.
But...
No, you're not a genius,
you're not a prodigy.
Nice.
My own father doesn't think I'm special.
Oh.
(chuckles)
On the contrary.
Your father thinks you're very special.
Of course, I'm the dummy sleeping on the floor.
(mattress farting, hissing)
♪ Men.
(knocking)
Come in.
Got a minute?
Sure.
Hey, I'm getting dressed for my dinner with Bridget.
How do I look?
Your face should be on gay money.
Listen, um...
You say something to my son about quitting high school
and starting a business?
Oh, yeah, I told him that's what I did.
Hey, what do you think about a hat?
The only reason to wear a hat on date
is if you're hiding a bald spot.
Oh.
For your next date.
Thank you.
So you really quit high school?
Mmm, no.
I skipped high school.
I quit MIT.
Oh, okay. See, there's the misunderstanding.
Jake has a hard time spelling MIT.
Oh. Well, then, he really shouldn't quit school.
Hey, check it out.
My socks match my sneakers.
But your sneakers don't match each other.
Oh...
Bridget used to pick out all my outfits.
I can see why you miss her.
Well, uh, thank you for clearing the Jake stuff up.
Yeah, no problem.
Uh, and, uh, going forward,
keep in mind that kids like him are looking for role models,
so you have to be careful around them.
Yeah, sure. Although, truth to tell,
unless he sees you passed out in a pool of vomit
with a tattooed prostitute, you're going to be
an improvement in the role model department.
Hey, Alan? Yeah?
You got a lot of experience with women, right?
A lot? (chuckles) I don't know.
You know, I've, uh, been around the block a few times.
Did a little dance, made a little love,
got down tonight on several occasions.
Um, why do you ask?
What can I do to convince Bridget to take me back?
Oh.
(sighs)
Walden, Walden, Walden, Walden.
Come sit.
Really? I got to sit?
A woman's heart is a deep and mysterious place,
almost impossible to reach.
Much like the G-spot.
Although at least we know the heart, in fact, exists.
Okay, is that it? Can I stand up now?
Oh, no. H-hang on. Hang on.
When that heart closes itself to a man--
and in my experience, it inevitably does--
the only way to reopen it is to allow time to pass.
That way, the woman can reflect
on how much she misses her man.
And that's worked for you?
Oh, yeah.
There are quite a few ladies out there
currently reflecting on how much they miss Alan Harper.
Good luck.
Should've asked the kid.
♪ Men.
Unbelievable.
You don't like it.
No, no, I blame myself.
I trusted you to make a simple dinner reservation.
Uh, don't blame me; blame Jake.
Who's Jake?
He's some kid without a deal.
Besides, does it matter where we eat
as long as we're with each other?
(loud clinking)
I got to pee!
Okay, bon appétit.
I got to pee!
Don't you move.
Hello!
(laughs)
She's cute.
You know, it's not too late.
We could still have a kid.
We already do.
I'm looking at him.
Oh, come on. That's not fair.
Ah, hot soup!
Hot soup. (groans)
Thank you. Look, Walden,
I agreed to have dinner with you
because I care about you, but I just...
Are we going to have sex later?
(sighs) Let me finish.
But no.
Aw.
The thing is, even though I care about you,
this marriage is over.
I don't want to get a divorce.
Why do we got to get a divorce?
Because I have grown up
and you are still the same guy you were at 19.
No, that is not true.
I got a lot more money now.
Money isn't the point.
I got lawyers, I got accountants,
I got my own charitable foundation.
It's not about what you have; it's about who you are.
Oh.
Well, I'm pretty much the same guy.
What I want, what I need, is a partner in life.
A grown-up, mature, responsible adult.
What, and you don't think that's me?
No, I don't.
And you don't think I can change?
No, I don't. But what if I can?
But you can't. Can, too.
Just eat your dinner.
Ugh.
This blows.
I know, but it's something
we're both just going to have to accept.
How's your beach house?
It's okay.
But I miss you.
I miss you, too, sometimes.
Really?
Walden, we were together for 15 years.
Those feelings don't just go away.
(laughing)
Hey, be cool.
So, uh, you really still have feelings for me?
Of course I do. Oh.
(laughing)
Hey.
Big girls don't throw food.
Trust me, I can change.
I really can.
(laughs)
All right, that's it. Eat lettuce!
Walden! What? She started it.
Whoa! No pasta.
I call no pasta.
(laughing)
Oh, it is on!
Oh, yeah.
And she got some...
Here it comes. Here it comes.
(whooping)
♪ Men.
(doorbell rings)
Berta, can you get the door?
I'm off the clock, Zippy.
What clock? You're a live-in.
And I'm livin'.
You know you took the wrong brother, right?
Judith, what are you doing here?
Why did you tell Jake he could quit school?
I didn't. Well, then, where did he get the idea?
Walden. He told him about how when he quit
he made hundreds of millions of dollars,
and now Jake thinks he can do it, too.
Terrific. And I thought your brother
was a horrible influence.
Don't speak ill of the dead.
But you're right-- he was a terrible human being.
Hey, who's at the... Whoops!
You come back here, young man!
He's not coming back, is he?
I wouldn't.
Hey.
Walden, I want a word with you.
Walden, you remember Judith. Bye.
You're Alan's ex, right?
Yes, and Jake's mother.
And you and I need to discuss how...
I just had dinner with my ex.
Well, that's very nice. Anyway...
She's not my ex yet, but she's going to be.
I'm sorry.
She hates me, but I'm still in love with her.
Well, I'm sure you'll find somebody else.
Since we were teenagers, she's been the only one.
You were high school sweethearts?
Yeah.
That is so romantic.
And I blew it again tonight.
Oh. Hey, come on now.
It... it'll be okay.
No, it'll never be okay.
She's my soul mate.
Oh, you poor, sweet man.
Who smells like ranch dressing and fettuccine alfredo.
Have you ever loved anyone like that?
No.
Don't, 'cause it hurts too much.
Oh, I wish there was something I could do.
Like what?
Oh, yeah, I'm so quitting high school.
♪ Men.
For the last time, Jake,
you're not dropping out of high school.
What if I can convince Mom to let me?
(laughs) Sure.
If your mother says it's okay, you can have my blessing.
Cool.
And while I'm at it, I'll buy you a car.
Oh, no, no, a space ship.
Car's fine.
Good night, Jake.
Good night, Dad.
(passing gas)
That... that was the air mattress.
Okay.
(passing gas)
That was me.
(panting)
Holy moly.
What got into you tonight?
You know, besides moi.
Shh. Don't talk.
Okay.
(sighs)
How would you feel about growing a beard?
Wouldn't that scratch your face?
Yeah.
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