* Men... *
I can't believe you've managed to stay in this house.
You're like a human barnacle.
Thanks, Mom.
Oh, I wasn't putting you down, sweetheart.
It's good that you have a skill.
Did you come over for a reason, or just to insult me?
The two aren't mutually exclusive.
Mom.
Charlie's bank contacted me.
Seems he had a secret safe deposit box.
I knew it! I knew he had to have something squirreled away.
Naturally, I went right down there to check it out.
So what was in it? Cash? Diamonds? Krugerrands?
Want to wipe your mouth? You're drooling a little.
Sorry.
Actually, I was quite surprised about what was in there.
Oh, tell me, tell me! I'll do better than that.
Here.
I'm pretty sure he wanted you to have this.
(wheezing laugh)
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy...
I knew you'd look out for me, big bro.
What the hell is this?
Charlie's journal.
Charlie kept a journal?
Your brother was a very complex man.
Perhaps he needed a safe place
to express his deepest emotions and innermost thoughts,
or some such nonsense.
No. No cash, dear. Already checked.
Of course not.
Why leave cash to your impoverished brother
when you can leave your alcohol-muddled thoughts?
Yay.
"To whom it may concern,
"if you are reading this it means either my heart or lungs
"finally gave out.
"Or I rejected my new liver.
"Or my brother wouldn't give me a piece of his.
"Or I choked on my own vomit,
"or somebody else's.
Or some crazy chick pushed me in front of a bus..."
Ooh, so close.
Well, I hope reading it brings you some comfort and closure.
Are you sure that's all that was in the safe deposit box?
Yes. So my brother went out to the bank
and rented a safe deposit box just for this journal?
It would appear so.
That makes no sense.
He intimated on many occasions
that he had some cash stashed away for emergencies...
you know, like getting a hooker after an earthquake.
Sweetheart, you have to stop living in the past.
What's done is done.
Start looking forward.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Is that a new watch?
No.
You have your whole life ahead of you,
and the fact is, you and I are all that's left of this family.
Well...
you, me and Jake.
Hey, Grandma.
(belches loudly)
Whoa. Thought that was coming out the other end.
You're right. It's just you and me.
That looks like a man's Cartier.
It's a knock-off.
My point is, with Charlie gone,
you and I have to learn how to help and support
one another no matter what.
Gee, that would be great.
You were always the good son.
Now you're my only son.
Oh, Mommy.
Oh, Walden! How nice to see you!
It's a miracle I'm not a transsexual
on Dancing With the Stars.
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh
* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Ah. * Men. * Men.
I must tell you, Walden, it's so nice to finally
see someone in this house
who surfs for something other than porn.
Yeah, I love the ocean.
Just you alone with your thoughts.
Time standing still, at peace with the entire universe.
Plus, you can pee in it and nobody knows.
Charming.
Actually, I'm glad you stopped by.
Um... Do you know a good interior designer?
As a matter of fact, I know a great one.
Evelyn Harper Interior Design.
I thought you were a real estate agent.
I am. I'm also a building inspector,
mortgage broker, notary public and a bail bondsman.
A bail bondsman?
Admittedly, that business has slowed down since my son died.
But getting back to your needs,
what did you have in mind in terms of redecorating?
I don't know.
I just, I just want my home to reflect who I am.
And who are you?
I've got a buttload of money, but I'm a pretty simple guy.
I... like people, but I don't entertain a lot.
Oh, I'm not a neat freak, but I don't like clutter.
Oh, you know, and the most important thing is,
I want the house to use green renewable energy,
you know, like solar power and wind power...
Unless Brookstone or somebody comes out with
a home nuclear reactor, because, I mean, come on,
who wouldn't want one of those?
"A buttload of money."
You're in good hands.
This journal is unbelievable.
You aren't thinking of publishing it, are you?
What? Of course not, why?
Well, I'm shoppin' around my own Charlie memoir.
It's called Man Whore.
It's catchy.
But there was more to Charlie than we thought.
I mean, listen to this.
"I just sent a girl home who told me she loved me
"and I can't even remember her name.
"What is wrong with me that I just have
"anonymous drunken encounters night after night?
"Do I drink to fill the loneliness,
or to hide from the horror I've become?"
You know, I feel awful that I lived with him for so long
and I didn't recognize his pain.
"I remember, her name is Rachel!
"I feel better now.
I'll reward myself with some cocaine and an Asian hooker."
So remember, the key to balancing the equation
is to place coefficients in front of each reactant
and product so that all the atoms balance.
(inhales)
I bet you shower every day.
Jake, we're supposed to be studying
for the chemistry mid-term.
I'd rather study our chemistry.
Lame.
Really? I thought it was a "double intendo."
WALDEN: Hey, guys.
Whatcha studying?
Chemistry.
Cool.
Looks like you two have a little chemistry.
(laughs)
That's so clever.
(mocking laugh)
I'm Megan.
Oh, hi, Megan. It's nice to meet you. I'm Walden.
Oh, are you the Walden that bought the house?
Yeah, how many Waldens have you met lately?
That's... that's so funny.
And I'm lame.
Well, it was nice to meet you.
I'll let you guys get back to your "chemistry."
Bye, Walden! It was nice meeting you too.
You know, if he hooks up with you, he goes to jail.
I'd wait for him.
ALAN: "Peed blood again this morning.
Should I be worried?"
As it turns out, no.
We have to get rid of Walden.
We do? Oh yeah, he's gotta go.
Does it occur to you that this is his house
and if anybody goes, it's gonna be us?
Actually, no.
What's the problem?
He's stealing my girlfriend.
Wait, I thought she was your tutor.
Think about it, Dad. Would I have asked for a tutor
if I didn't have a... what do you call it, interior motive?
Go on.
She's only interested in glomming onto Walden.
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
I think my own mother likes him more than she likes me.
Why would that make me feel better?
I honestly don't know.
(doorbell rings)
Is this what I have to look forward to in life?
Always losing girls to smarter, better-looking men?
Well, think of it this way:
you're carrying on a proud family tradition.
Hello, dear.
What's all this?
Oh, didn't you know?
I'm helping young Thor redecorate.
I hope that's all you're doing.
Whatever do you mean?
He's tall, he's handsome, he's vulnerable,
and you're old enough to be his ancestor.
Relax, Alan. The only thing I want
to pull out of that boy's pants is his wallet.
You sure?
Believe me, I have no ulterior motive.
I believe that's "interior," Grandma.
You really should get that boy a unicycle and some juggling pins.
Evelyn, cool, you're here. Uh, could you come on up?
There's some things I want you to do in my bedroom.
Give the customer what he wants.
Okay, to start with,
I want grey Carrara marble counters,
a steam shower...
oh, and can we get one of those fancy Japanese toilets
that sprays water and cleans your tushie?
With your money you could afford
an actual Japanese person to do it.
See what you can find.
Okay, in here, I would like to replace the bed frame,
the curtains, the dresser,
the end tables and the lamps.
All right.
What would you like to replace them with?
Um...
A cooler bed frame,
cooler curtains, cooler dresser,
cooler end tables and cooler lamps.
"Cooler." I'm on it.
Uh, now, would you like to repaint?
Hey, can I have walls
that change color depending on my mood?
No.
But we could paint them white
and get you an industrial strength antidepressant.
That will work too.
Would you like to keep the camera?
What camera?
Aw...
Awesome!
I'm on TV.
Hello!
I am so keeping that.
All right. Anything else?
Can I have a Jacuzzi on the balcony?
'Cause I'm single now, so I'm going to be
having sex with a lot of women I haven't met yet.
Oh... I just got an idea!
Just out of curiosity, what kind of woman are you attracted to?
There's my wife.
Oh, and there's women who look like my wife.
That's very romantic.
Oh, and Ellen DeGeneres.
I don't know what it is.
Whether it's the slacks or the way she dances--
it's hot.
* Men.
You're up early.
Charlie's journal-- I can't stop reading it.
Listen to this.
"My brother's kid showed up today.
"He's kind of cute.
"No way he's really Alan's kid.
"And best of all, he's smart as a whip.
I think he's got a very bright future."
Oh, that just breaks my heart.
Yeah.
We were all so young and naive then.
Hey.
What? I took a huge dump.
No way he's really my kid.
You look very pretty today.
Jake, I'm here to study.
The test was yesterday.
I already failed.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Walden.
Here we go.
Whoa, Megan, you look very pretty today.
Thanks.
You look pretty, too.
Thank you.
Where are you going?
Oh, I am going furniture shopping with Jake's grandma.
Oh, I love furniture.
And grandmas.
Cool.
See ya.
Okay, Megan,
I know what's going on here
and I really don't appreciate...
What's that about?
I don't know. I'm just in the mood.
Okay.
Come on.
Okay.
Where are we going?
To your room.
Okay.
Hello, gorgeous.
Did you miss me?
'Cause I sure missed you.
Let me pull this thing out of you.
(engine rattling)
(turns off car, engine continues chugging)
Are you gonna turn your car off?
(engine continues chugging)
I did.
Might need service.
Sadly, that's where I just came from.
(engine sputtering)
(engine stops)
You know what's great about my electric car?
What?
(button clicks)
I just turned it on.
Sweet.
So where you headed?
Um, I'm going to pick up your mom.
We're going furniture shopping.
Okay, well, just a little heads up
before you journey to the caves of Mordor.
My mother has what you might call
a, uh, proclivity for younger men.
You mean she's like a cougar?
No, she's not "like a cougar,"
she's the mother of all cougars.
So kind of an uber-cougar?
A super duper uber-cougar.
You think a bit of better butter
would make her bitter batter better?
What?
I just like saying that.
Walden, I'm serious here.
(chuckles) Don't worry.
I'm not going to hook up with your mom.
Yeah, if I had a dime for every time I heard that,
I'd have $3.60.
And I know that doesn't sound like a lot,
but it is 36 times.
That's a very weird thing to keep track of.
I got a lot of free time.
Trust me, nothing's going to happen.
Okay. But try not to hurt her feelings.
I mean, she may be a rapacious sexual predator,
but she breaks just like a little girl.
Understood.
Oh, hey, check it out.
I got voice control.
Lights on.
Radio on.
(hip-hop music playing over stereo)
Back up.
Bye!
Well, you may not be pretty or expensive,
but you get me where I want to go.
Thank you for walking me to my door.
You don't meet many gentlemen nowadays.
You're welcome.
Is that a camera?
Hello!
Would you like to come in for a drink before you go?
I don't know, I should probably get going.
What's your hurry?
I just think that
we should keep our relationship business
and not "biznass."
Oh, my goodness, do you think I'm hitting on you?
W-Well, Alan did say that you're an uber-cougar.
An uber-cougar?
A super duper uber-cougar.
(growls)
Oh, my Lord.
Now, you listen to me, young man.
My son has some serious issues.
And he tends to imagine things.
Believe me, I have no carnal designs on you whatsoever.
Really?
For God's sake, Walden, I'm old enough to be your mother.
Assuming a teenage pregnancy of course.
Okay, sure.
I'll have a drink.
Are you going to tell Alan?
I'm going to tell everyone.
* Men.
"Alan moved in with his girlfriend yesterday.
"How stupid is she?
"Oh, well, doesn't matter.
"Like a nonspecific urinary infection,
"I'm sure he'll be back before long.
"Truth be told, I actually kind of miss
"the jug-eared freeloader.
How stupid am I?"
I don't believe it.
He loved me.
My brother loved me.
"Speaking of stupid,
"today I bought a $100,000 Cartier watch.
"But I'm afraid to wear it,
so I'm gonna keep it in my safe deposit box."
Son of a bitch!
That was, that was great.
Just-Just great.
Thank you so much.
Hey.
Hey. How'd it go with my mom?
Fine, fine.
Just shopped for furniture.
Rugs, chairs and tables.
Nice.
Armoires, ottomans,
curtains, recliners,
love seats, throw pillows.
Okay, good night.
Oh, yeah, she did him.
Bye. Thanks again!
Hey, dude, how you doing?
Fantastic.
I love you, man.
Thanks.
What an affectionate family.
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