JAKE: Previously on:
ALAN: Oh, Charlie.
I would have given anything to be like you.
Even for a day.
I'm Melanie.
Nice to meet you, Melanie.
I'm...
Charlie.
Charlie Harper.
Whoa. Look who's getting busy.
JAKE: Hey.
He's acting like my Uncle Charlie.
He's even dressing like my Uncle Charlie.
People are really worried about you.
The only reason people are worried about me
is 'cause they can't wrap their heads around how cool I am.
I'm fine. What's your name?
Charlie Harper. You're not fine.
I've got a great idea.
You and me, Vegas.
This doesn't look like the Bellagio.
Uh, it's the, uh, back entrance.
Hello, Mr. Harper.
If you could, just come with us.
Uh, don't forget my bags.
And we'll be going to the presidential suite?
Oh, yes, sir.
Uh, I'm going to need a bucket of ice,
a bottle of scotch and two Asian hookers.
Yes. Thanks.
Winning.
* Men. *
Here you go, Mr. Harper.
Now that you're leaving us,
you can have your belt and shoelaces back.
Oh. Thank you.
But believe me, there was never any possibility
I was going to hurt myself.
Yeah, well, it only takes one whack job
hanging from the shower curtain to ruin it for everybody.
I... I suppose.
And I guess I did lose it for a little while there.
Lose it?
We had a pool on how long it would take
to get you toilet trained again.
Really?
Cost me 50 bucks.
And a pair of nice white shoes.
Sorry.
I tend to leak under pressure.
So you think you're ready
to go back out into the world?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
I mean, I've, uh, learned a lot about myself
in the last month, and I... I now have the tools
to deal with life on life's terms.
You know, a lot of people say that,
but you'd be surprised how another couple of weeks
of treatment can make all the difference in the world.
You have another pool, don't you?
Nothing personal.
Just trying to get even.
Sorry I couldn't be more help.
That's okay.
Got $100 says you'll be back before Christmas.
Thanks for your support.
You really want to thank me, stop taking your medication.
Or double up.
Either way, I'll have a happy holiday.
Hope you weren't planning on leaving
before you give your old buddy Gary a hug.
Of course not.
I love you.
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Ah. * Men. * Men.
Thanks for picking me up.
No problem.
So you're not crazy anymore?
I was never actually crazy.
Then why were you in the nuthouse?
It's not a nuthouse; it's a stress clinic.
What's the difference?
About $2,500 a week.
But the good news is that I got a lot out of it.
I mean, I am ready to deal
with whatever life throws at me, you know.
Full speed ahead.
Well, that's good, 'cause I've got something
I want to talk to you about.
Oh, anything. Dad's here for you, pal.
Cool.
So remember Megan?
Oh, yeah, that was, uh, your little girlfriend.
Uh, she's seems like a great gal.
Well, I'm glad you like her
'cause she's kind of pregnant.
Kind of?
She's not showing yet.
She's still in her first semester.
Oh, my God.
How-how... how did this happen?
I mean, what about our talks about, uh,
sexual responsibility and-and using protection?
I can explain that.
Go ahead.
I was drunk.
Okay. Okay.
I have the tools.
And how do you propose to take care of this child?
Oh, we got that figured out.
First, we're going to quit school and get jobs.
Okay, stop right there.
What jobs?
Advertising-- we're going to teach the baby to talk
and put him in E-Trade commercials.
You're joking.
No. We figure the baby they got is probably getting pretty old.
What does your mother think about this?
She doesn't know. What?
I was hoping you'd tell her.
Why do I have to tell her?
Because she already hates you
and she scares the crap out of me.
(gently): Hey, there he is.
Welcome home, buddy.
Thank you. I'm glad to be here.
Yeah. How you feeling?
Fine. Why are you whispering?
Oh, I don't want to startle you.
Walden, I'm okay.
Yeah, sure you are.
JAKE: Hey, Walden, guess what.
I'm going to be a dad.
Really?
Wow.
How you feel about that, Grandpa?
Well, it's, uh, not something I would have chosen
for him at this stage of his life,
but he will continue to have my love and support.
If it's a boy, we're going to name him Frodo.
You're not making it easy for me, pal.
You should have used a condom.
Or you should have.
Hey, look who's back from the loony bin.
It wasn't a loony bin; it's a stress clinic.
Did they let you keep your belt?
Uh, well... Loony bin.
There's your mail. Thank you.
Hey, Berta, I'm going to be a dad.
(laughing)
What's funny?
From where you're standing, nothing.
Did you tell him your news?
Mmm, it'll keep.
Hey, open your mail.
Okay. Let's see.
Uh, bill, bill, jury duty,
(chuckles) bill.
Ooh! Oh, here we go.
My refund from the IRS.
Ooh. Whew!
Just in time what with all these bills.
Might want to set some of that aside for Frodo's headshots.
Huh.
It's not a refund at all.
I'm being audited.
(laughing)
What's so funny?
From where you're standing, nothing.
I guess you're probably wondering
why I asked you guys to come over.
We understand, Alan.
Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of.
I'm not mentally ill.
It was a stress clinic.
Did the door lock from the inside or the outside?
Uh, uh, well, the... the...
(whistles)
Nevertheless, the reason I called a family meeting
is because, uh, Jake
and Megan have some news.
Oh, my God. She's pregnant.
Well, that was easy.
Who wants cake?
How could you do this?
She made me.
What?
Oh, come on.
Between the two of us, who was a virgin?
ALAN: Okay, okay.
What's done is done,
but if we can come together as a family,
we can deal with this without finger-pointing.
Your father's right.
Let's just calm down and talk it through.
Is it just me, or does Herb and Judith's kid
look a lot like Alan?
Well, you know, there is a slight resemblance.
Damn it, Jake! What the hell is wrong with you?
How could you be so irresponsible?
I mean, what were you thinking? What were you thinking?
JUDITH: Did we raise you not to know any better than this?
ALAN: What do you have to say for yourself?
When are you going to tell him your news?
Ah, I don't want to make things worse.
See, that's the big difference between you and me.
JUDITH: And you're a grandpa now.
Grandpa. Grandpa.
A grandpa and grandma...
Hey.
Hey. How'd your audit go?
It wasn't so much an audit
as a brutal prison rape with a number two pencil.
I'm confused.
Did you like it or not?
They say I owe them $80,000.
So not.
But the good news is, if they take
everything I own, they'll only get four.
$4,000?
Four dollars.
But I'm not worried.
Because I have the tools to cope with whatever life throws at me.
No, you don't.
Alan?
Oh, Lyndsey.
Sweetheart, are you a sight for sore eyes.
Yeah, it's good to see you, too.
Oh.
Alan, you're home.
Hey, Walden, I think now's the time to tell him.
Tell me what?
Aw.
(laughing)
What's so funny?
From where I'm standing, everything.
* Men. *
I'm sorry you had to find out this way.
Oh. Really? Really?
How would you have liked me to hear about it?
Twitter? Facebook? A singing telegram?
* Ta-ra-ra boom-dee-ay, I banged your girl today *
* 'Cause I'm a billionaire, I still have all my hair. *
I-I understand that you're upset,
but you have to see this from our viewpoint.
What's your viewpoint?
The sex is awesome.
It really is.
He's the best I've ever had.
No, you're the best I've ever had.
LYNDSEY: You're the best I've had.
No, you. No, you.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
How did this happen?
It was actually kind of a meet cute.
Uh, Lyndsey came here to see where you were,
and I told her where you were,
and then she started to cry, and...
bippity-boppity-boo, we're having sex.
Bippity-boppity-boo?
How do you go from crying to sex?
With him, it was always the other way around.
Okay, okay, and-and-and what was the cute part?
Look at him.
No, look at you.
No, you. No, you.
Hey! Hey! I'm still here!
I mean, how-how could you do this?
How-how could you have an affair
while I'm locked up in the booby hatch?
I thought it was a stress clinic.
Everybody knows what it was!
I lost my freaking mind!
But luckily, now I'm better, so I have the tools
to cope with whatever life throws at me!
That's great, Alan, 'cause there's one more thing.
Oh, super. Let me have it.
You need to move out. What?!
Come on, it'd be creepy if you're
downstairs listening while we're having sex.
Lyndsey doesn't make any noise.
I do now.
Fine. Fine. Let me just get my things.
LYNDSEY: Uh, not necessary.
We packed your stuff.
Oh, yeah. It's all in a storage bin out by the airport.
But don't worry, I took care of the first month's rent.
Here's the key.
Why, thank you.
You know, I hope someday, we can look back
at this as friends and just laugh.
Someday?
Why wait? Let's laugh now.
(high-pitched laughter)
Okay, I'll go.
That's it!
I am done being a doormat.
I'll show 'em.
I will show 'em all.
They won't have Alan Harper to kick around anymore.
And they will be sorry.
Apologies will be made,
tears will be wept,
but it's all gonna be too late
'cause I am out of here!
Sleeping the big sleep, the ol' dirt nap.
Adios, muchachos, it's the last roundup.
(engine starts, idles)
God, check, please.
(hissing)
Perfect.
* Men. *
(doorbell rings)
(whirring)
Hi! Hi, Mom, it's me!
I need a place to stay.
Walden kicked me out and my car blew up
and I had to hitchhike over here!
EVELYN (with Asian accent): So, solly,
Missy Everyn no home.
Missy Everyn?!
Come on, Mom!
What are you doing?
Let me in! I'm soaking wet,
and I had to give a truck driver a happy ending just to get here!
Go away! I call po-rice!
What kind of accent is that supposed to be?!
Herro? Po-rice?
Clazy man outside.
You come quick!
Fine, fine! I'm leaving!
Thanks a lot!
Rots of ruck!
Unbelievable.
Blindsided by my son...
reamed by the IRS...
rejected by my lover...
betrayed by my friend...
molested by a truck driver...
cast out by my mother...
and rained on by God.
And this isn't even the worst week of my life.
Oh, come on.
Might as well make myself comfortable.
Nowhere to go from here.
End of the line.
Rock bottom.
Can a man sink any lower?
Asked and answered.
(Southern accent): Pardon me.
Do you happen to have a flashlight?
Uh, what?
The light in my storage unit isn't working.
I need a flashlight.
Oh. Uh, yeah, sure. Um...
Yeah, uh... what the hell?
Oh, here you go.
Thank you.
My fur coats all feel alike in the dark.
Lot of things feel alike in the dark.
Ooh, you rascal!
Uh, I'm Alan Harper.
Veronica Hastings.
Come here often?
No, but the night is young.
Ooh. Innuendo?
Not usually.
But if you play your cards right...
Listen, Alan Harper,
I keep some nice wines in my storage unit.
Can I interest you in a glass?
I would like that very much.
Don't go away.
There is no chance of that happening.
You had a plan all along, didn't you, God?
MAN: Alan?
Yes, Lord?
Over here.
Oh! Oh, Herb. (nervous chuckle)
What are you doing here?
I called Walden.
He told me this is where I might find you.
Oh, well, I, uh, I appreciate you stopping by,
but I'm not really set up for entertaining yet.
I didn't just stop by.
I have some news for you.
Really? Good news?
I had a DNA test done on my daughter Millie.
Oh?
Turns out she's your daughter.
Bad news.
And it's about to get worse.
Oh, come on!
Good-bye, Alan.
Oh, no, Herb, please, please!
I'm about get laid by Jessica Rabbit!
No, Herb, no!
(chuckles)
Oh, thank God I'm still in the loony bin.
It's a stress clinic.
* Men. *
ALAN: Thanks for picking me up.
No problem.
I'm surprised Walden let you take his car.
I know, right?
With my driving record?
I'm really glad you're feeling better.
You had me worried.
I'm sorry. Didn't mean to.
But everything's fine now.
Good.
Hey, is it too soon to talk to you
about something important?
You can talk to me about anything.
I have the tools to cope.
Cool. Remember Megan?
Oh, God...
Well, we've been going out for a while now
and all of a sudden, she's saying
she wants to see other people,
but I want to keep it, you know, monotonous.
That, that's it? She's not pregnant?
No, of course not.
I've been stuck at third base for months.
(sighs)
That's a relief.
For you, maybe.
Anyway, I was just wondering if you had
some advice on how to keep a woman from leaving you.
So how was the food in there?
* Men. *
It feels strange to be back here.
Just to warn you, things are
a little bit different than you remember them.
What do you mean?
I promised Walden
I wouldn't tell you.
Bye. Where you going?
I'm gonna take Walden's car over to Megan's,
see if it helps me slide into home.
Wear protection!
I'm wearing it now!
Whoa.
(gently): Hey, buddy.
How ya doing?
I'm okay.
Good, good, I'm glad.
Walden, you don't have
to talk to me like a crazy person.
Oh, crazy people don't talk like this.
Regular people talk like this when
they're talking to crazy people.
Fine. Whatever.
I see you finished redecorating.
(normal voice): Yeah. What do you think?
Ah, it looks fantastic.
Oh, hey, check this out.
Computer, lights off.
Computer, music on.
*
That's awesome.
Yeah, it's the home of tomorrow.
Except it's today.
Computer, music off.
(music stops)
Okay, let me try.
Uh, computer, lights on.
Oh, no, that won't work.
It's keyed to my voice.
Oh, well, then how do I turn the lights on and off?
You can't.
Hey, let me show you the kitchen.
Boy, sure hope I can flush the toilet.
* Ta-da!
Ta-da, indeed.
Oh, hey, check this out.
I connected the refrigerator to the Internet.
Ice.
Wait for it.
Is that cool or what?
And if I want ice?
You just call me and then I'll call the refrigerator.
Oh, oh, check this out.
Computer, television on.
(chuckling): Wow! Yeah.
What is it about a giant TV?
Right? I mean, just looking at it gives me a chubby.
(sighs) Welcome home, buddy.
Oh, thanks, Walden, but you and I both know
this is not my home.
Oh, sure, it is.
No, let me finish.
I had a lot of time to think while I was away.
At least after I came off the thorazine.
And I realized that it's one thing to live off my brother,
but he's gone and...
now his stuff's gone, too.
I really don't belong here anymore.
So you're moving out?
Oh, no, no! God, no!
I mean, look at the size of this thing.
No, I just want you to know that
I'm aware of the absurdity of our situation.
Bring it in. Oh...
Computer, music on.
* And I will always love you... *
And let me know if you need ice.
Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
and TOYOTA.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org