[Jake] Previously on "Two And A Half Men.."
Zoey, will you do me the honor of becoming..
...Zoey Hyde-Tottingham-Pierce-Schmidt?
No, I'm sorry, I can't do it.
♪ She can.. ♪♪
- I need an answer. - There's someone else.
Look, I'm just gonna be alone for a while.
And if the real thing comes along, I'll know it.
Excuse me... can I have your nuts?
This girl's really interesting. Actually I think you know her.
Her name's Rose.
See you.
And she's devious and deceptive.
She's probably listening to us right now. Heh.
Hey, Rose. How you doing?
I told Alan that we met. Boy, did you call that one.
Let me guess, at some point did he say
"She's probably listening to us now!"
"Hey, Rose! How you doing?"
- He is very suspicious of you. - Are you suspicious of me?
I'm more curious than suspicious.
- Good. - So, what do you say?
- Dinner? - To dinner.
It will be nice to go out with someone normal for a change.
♪ Men ♪♪
[panting]
Yay.
Yay, indeed.
Ooh.
We went a mile and a half.
What is that, a pedometer?
Yeah, I'm measuring our sex life.
And as of today, we are in Laughlin, Nevada.
Well, I believe I did most of the driving.
Yes, but when you got a flat, I stopped and pumped it up.
[sighs]
Call me crazy, and the state of California did for a while..
...but these last couple of weeks
have been the best of my life.
Mm. They have been great.
With the last mile and a half being a particular high point.
That's because you finally stopped
and asked for directions.
- Okay, I better get going. - Wait, no, no. stay the night.
All my stuff is at my house, silly.
- What stuff? - I don't know, my toothbrush.
- You can use mine. - Ugh.
After what we just did you're really concerned
with having my toothbrush in your mouth?
I'm just saying, at some point I have to go home.
What if you never had to go home?
Do you mean, like you're gonna tie me up
and keep me bound and gagged in the closet?
Uh, no.
I was thinking more like you move in with me.
Mm. That's a little odd.
I mean, come on, you said so yourself
the last few weeks have been fantastic.
- We get along great. Why not? - Why not?
Because I don't wanna be a flavorless cracker.
Sure.
What?
Well, you know, when you order a cheese plate
and you get two different kinds of stinky cheese
and then you eat that little bland, unsalted cracker
in between to cleanse your palate?
Not really.
But you explained it pretty well.
Well, I don't wanna be the bland cracker.
I wanna be the stinky cheese.
Okay, I think I understand.
You're concerned because I just got out
of a serious relationship and you don't want to be the girl
that gets me to the next one.
- Exactly. - Well, trust me.
You are the stinkiest cheese I have ever met.
So sweet.
I don't know, it's moving so quickly.
I mean, who could've seen this coming?
Well, I know it's moving quick.
But I'm the kind of person when I see something I want
I stop at nothing to get it.
Well, I guess opposites really do attract.
Just promise me that you'll think about it.
And you'll think about tying me up in your closet?
I will.
That seems fair.
You know if we get started now
we could make it to Salt Lake City by daybreak.
Ooh. Okay, but this time I'm driving.
♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪
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♪ Men ♪♪
I can't believe this, after everything she's done.
I know, how did someone like that
worm their way back in here?
Maybe she learned from the master.
I'm just worry she's gonna take advantage of Walden.
You do hear yourself when you talk, right?
Yes, yes, I'm a mooch, but I'm not dangerous.
Some night, I'm gonna get drunk and try that.
Here he comes, here he comes.
- Morning. - Morning.
Well, uh, how's everything going with my favorite couple?
Walden and Rose.
Wose.
Ralden.
Look, Alan, I know you're suspicious of her.
But she really makes me happy.
No, I totally get that and I don't wanna sound judgmental
but she scares the living crap out of me.
Well, you're gonna have to make peace with it.
'Cause not only do I like Rose, I asked her to move in with me.
[Berta laughing]
What's so funny?
If you don't know, it's too late.
♪ Men ♪♪
[phone ringing]
Oh, that's my cell.
Could you grab it for me?
It says, "Do not answer."
Oh. That's Zoey.
It reminds me to stay strong and not take her calls.
Hello? Hey, Zoey. Yeah, what's going on?
Yeah, I could do that.
- She wants to go for coffee. - Why?
- I don't know. - Ask her.
Hey, uh, just so I have a heads-up, is this a..
...sad coffee or a happy coffee?
- It's a happy coffee. - That's great.
And can you bring me back a scone?
Shut up.
Uh, yeah, great, uh, I'll be there in 20.
- Okay. - What do you think's going on?
I don't know.
Uh...she said she wants to talk in person.
Ooh, be careful, in my experience
when an ex wants to talk in person
it's either to borrow money or tell you she gave you crabs.
And no one's ever asked me for money.
You share too much.
Besides, she said it was a happy coffee.
Ooh, ooh. Maybe she wants to have sex with the ex.
That's happened to me. Be careful.
That's how I got the crabs.
Well, I'm not gonna sleep with her. I'm with Rose now.
Oh, are you gonna tell Rose that you're meeting Zoey for coffee?
Yes, I am not.
- Good call. - Hey, how do I look?
Like every screen-saver in San Francisco.
Perfect. Okay.
Hey, what does it say on your phone when I call?
Uh, it says, "The old guy who lives downstairs."
Perfect.
♪ Men ♪♪
Here we go, happy coffee.
Thank you.
- So how you been? - Mm. Good.
- You? - Good.
Good.
- Are we done lying? - Mm.
Okay, so here it is.
Oh, God, this is very embarrassing. Heh.
Crabs?
- What? - Nothing. Go on.
So when you asked me to marry you..
...it scared me.
Why?
Went down that road before, Walden. I got lost.
Just wasn't ready to make that kind of commitment again.
Wait a second, what about the other guy? Peter.
I broke up with him.
So sorry.
Oops. Apparently, I'm not done lying.
You care to know why I broke up with Peter?
Because he wasn't a very good pumpkin eater?
No, I broke up with him because when I was with him
all I could think about was you.
Well, this is a very happy coffee.
I'd like another chance, Walden.
My coffee is dancing.
So do you wanna try and make this work?
I do. But it's a little complicated.
Oh, God, you're seeing someone, aren't you?
- Well, I'm-- - Is it serious?
Nobody's brought their toothbrush over.
I'm sorry, I've put you in a very awkward position.
No, no, it's okay.
I just...I need a little time to figure it out.
Of course you do. I completely understand.
Take all the time you need.
You decided yet?
I'm kidding.
Look, do what you need to do and let me know what happens, okay?
- Um-- - Thanks for meeting me.
- Yeah, I'm glad you called. - Heh-heh.
Oh, boy.
Crabs would've been simpler.
♪ Men ♪♪
Hey, you're not gonna believe this.
Zoey realized she made a huge mistake and she wants me back.
- Is that crazy, or what? - No.
No?
Follow me. I want to show you something.
- Rose? - Oh, hi, sweetie.
I brought my toothbrush.
That's crazy.
♪ Men ♪♪
So...yeah, you decided to move in.
Yep.
You make me so happy. And now we never have to be apart.
Never?
- Never, ever. - Hmm.
Now, if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go upstairs
and make sure the birds are settled.
- Great. - Never, ever, ever.
Did she say birds?
Well, I counted four, uh, but one of them
might be dinner for the ferrets.
- Ferrets? - I think they were ferrets.
Might have been weasels.
Either way, she recommended we all get rabies shots.
Oh, God, what have I done?
You asked her to move in.
You invited the vampire into the house.
Look, in my defense, the vampire was naked at the time!
- So, what're you gonna do now? - I don't know.
I guess, I just..
Man up and tell Rose I made a mistake.
Ooh, that's a bad idea.
Especially before you get the rabies shot.
You got a better one?
Uh, lets see, you could always tell her that
your work is taking you to Europe, or that you're dying
or that you finally realized you're gay
and sick of fighting the feelings you have for me.
- I'm not gonna lie to her. - Would it be a lie?
♪ Men ♪♪
Look at us, we're like Siamese twins
except we don't have to share any organs..
...unless we want to.
[Walden laughs]
Listen...I need to talk to you about something.
Sure.
- Jeez, this is tough. - Just say it.
I want us to be able to talk about anything.
Okay, here it goes. Um.
- I'm in love with Alan. - What?
- I'm dying. - You're dying?
For work in Europe.
Walden, what is going on?
Okay. Um.
My old girlfriend called and she wants to try again.
How do you feel about that?
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about it.
Are you still in love with her?
Yes, I am.
I'm sorry, Rose.
No.
No, don't be sorry.
Walden, we've only known each other for a couple of weeks.
And as wonderful as it's been, if you feel that
you'd be happier with Zoey..
...I'm not gonna stand in your way.
Thank you.
Wait, how did you know her name is Zoey?
Zoey's a very popular name in England.
Wait, how did you know she's English?
Because her name's Zoey, silly.
Goodbye, Walden.
Goodbye, Rose.
You know I want you to be happy, don't you?
I do. And I want you to be happy too.
Thank you.
[Rose] 'Ferrets, attack!'
[ferret's squeaking]
Whoa!
[ferret's squeaking]
♪ Men ♪♪
- Hey, buddy, how you doing? - Great. I got a promotion.
Oh, no kidding.
Yep. I'm the dessert chef in the officers' mess.
Wow.
Yeah, I made this killer creme brulee
for the enlisted guys and word got out.
Jake, I am so proud of you.
Yeah, They gave me my own blowtorch.
You know, to caramelize the sugar. Check it out.
[fire alarm buzzing]
Uh-oh. Not again.
Gotta go, dad.
[alarm continues]
Well, he's America's problem now.
♪ Men ♪♪
[doorbell rings]
Hi.
- Hello. - Sorry to bother you.
- I'm a friend of Walden's. - Oh, really?
Yes, and we need to talk.
About what?
It's complicated.
♪ Men ♪♪
[doorbell rings]
I'll get it.
- Zoey. - Who the hell is..
- What's happened to your face? - I was attacked by ferrets.
Fine, don't tell me.
Who the hell is that crazy woman who just showed up at my house
saying she's carrying your baby?
- Uh.. - I have a guess.
Alan, please.
Do you know anything about this?
Alright, I'm just gonna level with you. You moved on.
So, I was trying to do the same thing. But she's not pregnant.
Then why in the world would she show up
at my apartment claiming to be?
- Apparently she's crazy. - Told you.
Alan, shut up!
Alright, look, as soon as you told me
that you wanted to get back together
I told her she had to move out because I was in love with you.
And that's the truth. I love you, Zoey.
Wait. She was living here?
Did you hear the part where I said I love you?
What happened to, "No one's brought their toothbrush?"
Uh..
- Alan? - You told me to shut up.
- Oh, God. Goodbye, Walden. - No, Zoey, wait!
You're my stinky cheese.
- Great. - Aww.
I'm sorry, buddy.
- But look at the bright side. - I know, I still have you.
Forever and ever and ever.
Hey, why don't we go out, you know, maybe-maybe grab a bite?
- That might cheer you up. - I don't wanna go out.
Look, oh, you have to eat.
You want me to pick something up for you?
- Fine. - Great, oh, so, listen, um, I--
- Here you go. - Thanks.
Uh, would you mind if I take your car? Mine's out--
Out of gas, sure.
[Alan chuckles]
Berta's right. I am the master.
[keys clanking]
Oh, boy, a radio and brakes. Heh.
Oh, yeah, I can get used to this. Heh.
[ferret's squeaking]
Not the face! Not the face!
♪ Men ♪♪
- I've made a decision. - What's that?
I'm never gonna care about another human being.
Ouch.
- Except you. - That's better.
I can't believe I lost Zoey again.
I can't believe I lost the tip of my pinky to a ferret.
Boo-hoo. I have half a nipple.
Alright, goodnight, Alan.
Goodnight, Walden. Aah.
- Goodnight, Rose. - 'Goodnight, Alan.'
♪ Men ♪♪
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♪ Men ♪♪