Previously on Two and a Half Men:
Larry, where can I put this poop?
This is my sister Gretchen. She just moved here.
Gretchen, this is Jeff Strongman.
We have a half hour till I have to go meet Larry.
I really like Gretchen. I'm-I'm not gonna cheat on her.
Gretchen is coming over tonight.
When I get back, I don't want to see Gretchen.
BARRY: You know,
if I had a place to sleep here,
my apartment would be free.
You had me at "free."
♪ Men.♪
[phone rings]
Oh, I'm sorry. I have to take this.
It's my partner from China.No problem.
Hello?
Lan mao shi zai wuding shang.Wow.
No, I'm on hold. I'm just making stuff up.
[harp playing]
[theme music playing]
Honey, I'm home!
Hi, dear.
How was your day, darling?
Did you write some new commercials?
I sure did, Mother.
In six months, everyone in America
will be smoking refreshing cigarettes.
Or, as I like to call them,
healthy flavor sticks.
Kids, your father's home!
[children cheering]
Look at all my little Schmidts!
And I pushed every one of those Schmidts out of me.
Hey, kids, if you eat all your dinner,
Daddy's gonna give a healthy flavor stick
to each and every one of you.
[children cheering]
Hi, Dad.
I clogged the toilet again.
And I ain't cleanin' it up!
Oh, Berta. Oh, Berta. Oh, Berta.
KATE: Walden.
Walden? Oh, s...
Sorry. [clears throat] I was daydreaming.
We were married, and we had seven kids,
and they all loved cigarettes.
Okay, that's the last margarita for you.
So, I have good news and I have bad news.
Oh. Is the good news that we're gonna have sex
and the bad news that we can only do it five times?
The bad news is I have to go to San Francisco, like, now.
Wow.
And the good news is,
once I take care of this business,
I can stay here for a few more days.
Hmm, then I can take care of your bidness.
Oh, hey, Kate.
I see you're still as beautiful as ever.
Alan.
I see you're still as... here as ever.
So we're both doing well.
Okay, I got to go pack my stuff so I can leave. Mmm.
I'll take "phrases Alan Harper will never say" for $500.
She's leaving already?
Oh, I hope she doesn't use that bathroom.
I clogged the toilet again.
No, she's only gone for a couple days.Mmm.
And then I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
Wait, married?
Well, isn't that a little fast?
[groans] Walden, you're always jumping
into these kind of things,
and you...You can still live here.
Mazel tov!
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men.♪
Hey. Hey. Hi.
What you guys doing?
I am taking Jenny to the movies.
Okay, you're not taking me.
Taking me implies we're going on a date.
I'm a lesbian. If anything, I'm taking you
'cause you can't get into an R-rated movie by yourself.
Hey. Hold on. Uh, before you go,
which one of these engagement rings
do you think Kate would like?
W... what?
You're gonna ask her to marry you?
She's only been back for one day.
Yeah. She's the one.
[chuckles] Do you know how rare it is to meet the one?
Let alone have it happen every six months?
No, no. This is... this is different.
I-I am... really in love with Kate.
Okay, I really love my life-size anime doll,
but it would be a little weird if I married it.
Right?
Look, Walden, you're in love with being in love.
You live like you're in a romantic comedy.
You know who's gonna play you in the movie about your life?
Julia Roberts.
Just... do what my dad did. Don't buy the cow if you can get
the lactating stripper to give you the milk for free.
Come on, Barry, let's go.
You know who would play me and you in the movie?
Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.
I'll be either one.
[sighs]
Hey, Charlie.
It's me, Walden.
We... never met, but I'm the guy who took your place.
Thanks for giving up your house.
I guess you didn't really give it up-- you died.
You'd have to be on crack to give up all this.
Anyway, I...
Is Jenny right?
I mean, do I fall in love too fast?
Come on, Charlie,
talk to me.
At least show me a sign.
[chuckles] Yeah.
That's what I thought.
[knocking][yelps]
[thunder rumbles]
♪ Men.♪
Here, try my famous guacamole.
Oh, what makes it famous?
I don't know. It's...
really good and everybody likes it.
I didn't think you'd actually call me on it.
Do you have any famous recipes?
Well, there's the-the Strongman family meatloaf.
You'll have to make that for me.
Uh, the recipe died with my grandmother. Oh.
We'd always say, "Write it down, write it down."
And she'd say... [European accent]: "Tomorrow."
One day, your tomorrows run out.
Oh, Nana Strongman. Aw.
Every day, I learn something new about my Jeff.
[chuckles] You and me both.
I wish we could be together every day.
Oh, what would that be like?
Well, let's put it this way:
The Strongman meat would not be loafing.
Move in with me.
Seriously?
You make this place a home.
When you're not here, this apartment feels
like it belongs to somebody else.
So what do you say?
I say yes.
Oh, my God, that's great!
But I insist on paying half the rent.
I love you.
Cash only.
♪ Men.♪
Can I help you?
Hey, sorry to bother you. I...
I've been hiking all day, and I saw you had a hose out here,
and I was wondering if I could fill up my water bottle.
I have a hose?
Yeah.
Bottom of the stairs.
Good for me.
Uh, I... actually, I have filtered water in the kitchen.
Oh, I kind of had my heart set on dirty hose water,
but if you insist.
[angelic choir singing]
Should I...
I'm sorry, what?
[chuckles] Sh-Should I wipe my feet?
I-I don't want
to track beach sand into your...
...house sand?
Oh, no. That's-that's not sand.
That's the remains of the guy who used to live here.
You know what, maybe I'll just use the hose outside. It's fine.No, no, no, no.
No, it's not like that. He gets spilled all the time.
At this point, he's mostly lint. I'm Walden.
Vivian.
That's a beautiful name.
Thank you. My parents got it from that '70s show.
What was it called? Maude.
Ah. Yeah.
Wow, this is...
this is quite a place.[chuckles]
Your desk is backwards.
Excuse me?
Well, you have this beautiful view of the ocean,
and yet your desk is facing the wall with...
a picture of the ocean on it.
Yeah. It's... actually, it's-it's the Atlantic.
[chuckles]
It's an inside joke.
For myself.
[thunder rumbles]
Uh, you know what, I better fill up and get going.
But it's, like... it's really starting to come down out there.
It's just a little water. I'm not gonna melt.
It's not like I'm the Wicked Witch of the West.
I mean, you could wait it out here if you want.
We could have dinner together.
I'll-I'll order delivery.
Really?
Wow. Uh, yeah.
That'd be great.
Great. Okay.
[chuckles] Thank you.
You know, I-I got to ask, do you always invite strangers
into your home?
Oh, no. Usually they invite themselves.
♪ Men.♪
I am so excited to move in with you.
Hey, on top of paying half the rent,
I insist on paying half the utilities.
Thank you. By the way, there's also a security deposit,
a cleaning deposit and the groceries
you've already eaten half of. But we'll figure that out later.
We're gonna have so much fun.[chuckles]
Oh. Oh. If this is gonna get any more physical,
I got to go freshen up.
You mean poop?
I love you so much.
Oh, hey, if, uh, the pizza guy shows up,
I don't have any money.
Hey, that's my line!
My wallet's on the counter.Thanks.
[slow motion]: Wait...!
Who's Alan Harper?
A guy who no longer has to poop.
♪ Men.♪
So, what's your deal, Walden?
Good-looking guy, rich, Malibu beach house.
I bet you only date hot actresses.
God, no. I'd never date an actress.
They're all crazy.
I'm sure they're not all crazy.
Trust me. They are.
I don't get this whole fascination
with celebrities anyway.
I mean, who cares who's dating whom
or who's engaged to who
or who has a sex tape that no one will ever, ever see?
I know. But I have to say
I am a sucker for anything having to do
with Brangelina or Kimye.
Yeah, I have no idea what that means.
I thought we were eating Kimye.
What, have you been hiding under a rock for the last few years?
No, but I have climbed a few.
I was a Sherpa in Nepal.
Yeah. And I...
I drove cattle in Argentina.
And I, uh... Oh, I used to give safari tours in Africa.
And, once, I was an assistant manager at a Hot Dog on a Stick
in Pittsburgh.
I love hot dogs.
[laughs]
I've never even thought about doing stuff like that.
I mean, although I did
once sit in the splash section at SeaWorld without a poncho.
Well, then you'd be perfect for my next adventure.
Crewing on a sailboat to Polynesia.
Wow.
A sailboat to Polynesia.
So what island do you want to hit first?
As long as we're together,
it doesn't matter.
[gasping]
That was a close one.
I barely caught you guys.
I'm still living with you, right?
Whoa...
VIVIAN [distant]: Walden.
Walden.Huh?
Which one do you want?
Right now I want both.
Oh, here. [laughs]
Oh.
"A new love awaits you."
Wow.
Mine says, "Try our gluten-free wontons."
♪ Men.♪
Okay, uh, you asked, uh, "Who is Alan Harper?"
And you deserve the truth.
My real name is Alan Harper.
I-I used to date Lyndsey, but when she broke up with me,
I wanted to meet her new boyfriend, Larry,
but I didn't want him to know that it was me,
so I created a fake persona, Jeff Strongman,
but then Larry and I became real friends,
and then you came along, and I really liked you,
and everything was perfect until you picked up my wallet
to pay for the pizza, which reinforces my one rule:
"Never offer to pay for anything!"
Wow. So nothing I know about you is real?
My-my feelings for you are real.
And I was telling the truth when I said
I wanted you to live with me.
What about your son?
Oh, oh, that-that wasn't a lie.
I have a son, just not the guy you met.
M.I.T.?
L.I.E.
Anything else?
I take regular condoms, and I put them in the Magnum box.
Yeah, I kind of figured that.
All right, good-bye, Jeff.
Alan. Whatever your name is.
Please, Gretchen, Gretchen, don't go, don't go.
I really do care for you. Oh!
Gretchen, come back!
You have the pizza coupon!
♪ Men.♪
Wow, look at you.
Now you can look at the ocean and watch porn at the same time.
Oh, I don't like looking at naked women.
That didn't come out right.
I use this computer for work.
In fact, it's what paid for this view.
This view is free.
Everything you say is like a bumper sticker.
Well, I'm just gonna keep on truckin', then!
Hey, don't forget to coexist.
You know, it's with all the religious symbols?
The star of David and the fish.
It's a bumper sticker. Never mind.
All right, where-where... where you headed?
Carbon Canyon tonight, and then the...
the road is open, and so is my mind.
[gasps] Ooh, that could be a bumper sticker.
Hey, uh, why don't you give me your number?
We'll have to stay in touch.
I don't have a phone.
That is awesome.
So I guess this is good-bye.
I-I guess so.
Hey, thanks for letting me crash on your couch
and for the hot shower.
By the way, your staff is so attentive.
I mean, that Barry kid checked up on me,
like, five times during the night.
All right, you know,
I-I don't usually say this to people in this house, but...
if you want, you can stay longer.
You're very sweet, Walden,
but, uh, I gotta get going.
Enjoy your view.
[chuckles]
Hey, Vivian.
Yeah?
Are you gonna be okay?
Yeah, I'll be fine.
I mean, this is... this is what I do.
Okay.
Walden?
Yeah?
Are you gonna be okay?
I do...
think I'm gonna be okay.
♪ Men.♪
Okay, I think I, uh, got all my stuff.
Okay, that is my lamp.
Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah, but I put a new bulb in it.
So, you know, I'll just wait till this one blows out,
then I'll shoot it right back to you.
Okay. Or...
[doorbell rings]
I'll be back for you.
Gretchen?
I'm glad you're here.
I realized the only thing
I actually know about you is where you live.
Well...
Oh, my God, is everything about you a lie?
Are you even cheap?
I am cheap.
Two of the four windows in my car are garbage bags.
Look... look, I know
I was an idiot, but-but what I said before
about how much I care about you, I-I meant that.
But... you know,
I-I understand if you want nothing to do with me.
That's why I'm here.
Look, I made my share of mistakes
when my husband left me.
I know how hurtful it can be.
I know how crazy you can become.
I mean, I'm sure you Googled me and saw my mug shots online.
Uh, no. Um...
Well, don't freak out. I was innocent.
According to the state of Illinois.
The point is,
we all have secrets.
So, are you saying that we can get back together?
I'm saying I would like to break up with Jeff Strongman
and get to know Alan Harper.
Really? Oh, that's great.
But-but first, I'd like one last moment with Jeff.
Jeff?
Yes?Screw you.
Oh, God!
[groans]
Oh, are you okay, Alan?
♪ Men.♪
Hey, you.
Hey, you're back.
So, I've got good news and I've got great news.
The good news is, I did work it out
so I could stay a few more days.
Oh.And the great news is,
I took my underwear off in the car.
Hey, um...
[grunts, stammers]
Listen, we need... we need to talk.
Awfully serious for someone
who just got hit in the face with a thong.
Here's the thing.
While you were gone, I met someone.
What?
I mean, nothing happened physically.
It's just, I can't stop thinking about her,
and it's made me question everything,
including my sanity
and my interior decorating instincts.
Are you saying that you want to be with this girl now?
I don't know what I want.
I just, I know I have to pursue this.
Wow.
I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.
I-I never meant to hurt you.
I don't feel the same.
[groans]
♪ Men.♪
Hi.
Hi-ya!
[groans]
Oh...
Oh, they had just dropped back down!
Walden, what are you doing here?
[groans]
Remember how you asked me if I was gonna be okay?
I don't think I am.
Is it because I just kicked you in the balls?
There's that.
Uh, but before I met you,
I was very close to asking another woman to marry me.
But then I didn't...
because I couldn't stop thinking of you.
So, you came here to tell me that you dumped your girlfriend,
sweep me off my feet, and the two of us would,
what, sail off into the sunset together?
Yes?
You don't even know me.
Okay... I know you enough
to know that I want to know you more.
Walden, stop it.
I'm just a stranger who wanted to drink from your hose.
Okay, that didn't... that didn't really come out right.
Look, I know I don't know you
very well, but I feel like
you're the type of guy who falls in love easily.
You know me perfectly! That's exactly who I am.
I... look, we're soul mates.
Soul mates aren't made in a day.
Oh, that's another great bumper sticker.
Walden, you're a great guy,
but we lead two very different lives.
Did I mention that I have a plane
and I can take you anywhere you want to go?
Do you see? You want to fly over everything.
For you, it's all about the destination.
For me, the journey is the destination.
Okay, are you writing these down?
Go home, Walden.
[stammering]
But I-I walked four miles to get here
in the dark. In the woods!
I don't even know if I can find my way home.
Maybe I should just stay with you.
[alarm chirps]
Ah, dude, there's your car.
♪ Men.♪
Here you go, sweetie.
Thank you.
I'm so sorry I freaked out on you.
It's not your fault.
I should've known better.
VIVIAN: I'm sorry, too.
I should have never let you go.
Well, you're both here now...
and I'm ready to enjoy the view.
You want us to kiss, Walden?
Yeah, kiss each other.
Do it.
Kiss each other.
Well, it is his house.
Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
and TOYOTA.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org