I think my period's coming.
DOORBELL RINGS
OK...
Hi!
Are you all right? What's happened? Are you hurt?
- Oh, good.
Nice haircut. - It's better.
Can I come in?
Why didn't you text?
Well, I just thought I'd pop by.
Tell the truth.
I need to speak to Martin.
Martin?
Martin. Martin.
Why on earth would you want to speak to...
CLAIRE: Martin? - Hello!
Hello! My wife in my study, hello. Give me two.
Gangbangs, Asian. I'd put a tenner on it.
MARTIN SIGHS - Finished.
Well, hello, you.
MARTIN LAUGHS
She wants to talk to you about something.
Oh, well, must be my lucky day.
You said she only likes to talk to people she fancies.
THEY LAUGH
Ugh.
Can you leave us? - Why?
He's organizing your surprise birthday party.
Er... you know, I hate surp... OK.
I have a week to organise that now.
Best of luck.
Nice top.
Ugh. Thanks.
Do you deal in sculptures as well as paintings and papier-méché?
Depends on the quality of the piece.
Fuck me.
MARTIN: What a pair!
MARTIN LAUGHS - I know, right?
Where'd you get this?
Oh, just a... stole it from a market.
Oh. It's quite a piece. Who's the artist?
Just a... market artist.
Huh.
If I sell it, I take ten percent. Deal?
Deal.
OK. Well, I'll get her photographed now.
Don't tell Claire, please.
Or what?
Or I'll... I'II... - MARTIN LAUGHS
You got nothing on me, princess.
SHE LAUGHS
Or I'll tell her you were watching gangbangs.
Please don't do that again.
I wasn't, by the way.
Ugh.
Disappointing.
Erm... Where did you get that?
Oh, I brought it with me.
No, you didn't. Give it back.
Tight.
Patch things up with Harry?
Yeah. We're... engaged, so.
God! What?
No, we're not engaged.
No, he's back at the flat, packing up all his stuff again.
Oh. I'm sorry.
He really used to make you laugh.
He also used to say things like...
You're not like other girls.
You can... keep up.
HE SLURPS
I like Harry. I liked his songs.
I admire how much Harry commits to our breakups.
I mean, this is a new detail.
But he does usually go the extra mile.
A few times, he's even cleaned the whole flat.
HARRY SOBS
Oh God, no.
Like it's a crime scene.
I've considered timing a breakup for when the flat needs a bit of a going over.
I don't think this is working.
What?
But he always leaves...
him.
To come back for.
Got to think about all the people I can have sex with now.
I'm not obsessed with sex.
I just can't stop thinking about it.
The performance of it
the awkwardness of it
the drama of it.
The moment you realise someone wants your body.
Not so much the feeling of it.
Probably got about 48 hours before Harry comes back.
I should get on it.
I took half an hour trying to look nice
and I ended up looking amazing!
Just one of those days.
Gorgeous, fresh-faced, new top, little bit sexy
on my way to open my café.
And... Oh God.
Yeah, you check me out, chub-chub, 'cause it's never going to happen.
Oh God, he can't believe how attractive I am.
Kind of worried I'm going to make a sex offender out of the poor guy.
Here we go. This better be good. Here we go.
MAN COUGHS - Walk of shame!
BIKE BELL RINGS - CYCLIST: Oi!
Oh. - SHE LAUGHS
Dropped my cucumber.
Just dropped my...
Um... Could I get a cheese sandwich to go, please?
Sure.
That'll be, um... £12.55, please.
London.
SHE LAUGHS - Thanks.
Why do I recognise her? Is she famous?
Boo's death hit the papers.
Local café girl gets hit by bike, and a car, and another bike.
Oh no, she used to work here. - Oh.
I'm sorry, I don't have any change.
MAN SIGHS
The next man who walks in here is getting ridden to death.
,_
Hi.
Not ideal.
Um... How are you? Darling?
You busy?
A bit.
Well, I won't keep you.
I just wanted to talk about when you dropped in the other night.
OK.
I can't help thinking that I... we...
Yeah? - I know that we...
don't have much of a chance to...
Did you take the sculpture? Did you um...
take the sculpture? Did you take it?
No. What sculpture?
Oh right. Right. Good.
Good. You said, "No," and that...
that means I can go. All right, great.
Phew.
Are you happy? Are you healthy?
DAD: Hmm.
GIRLS CHATTER
Hey. Do you do, like, hot organic-y food?
Of course.
What would you like?
Um, I like risotto. - Yeah.
Sure. Grab a seat.
GIRLS CHATTER
Hey.
Hi.
Hey.
It's nice to see you.
You too.
Fucked me up the arse.
What are you getting?
Oh, just these.
For my tiny, bleeding vagina.
Hot.
You?
Stock cubes.
Hot.
Hope it's a light flow.
Oh. - SHE LAUGHS
It never is.
It never... is.
Listen, you around later?
Er...
Yes, fucking yes please, yes.
Yes.
Cool.
Cool. Bye.
Yes!
YOGA GIRL 1: I'm so happy with my body now.
Like, I don't have to define myself by how I look
'cause I've just got a fucking great body!
YOGA GIRL 2: Yeah.
YOGA GIRL 1: Yeah! I can like, do other stuff now.
YOGA GIRL 2: That's so great!
YOGA GIRL 1: Mike wants to start trying for a baby.
OK?
No... I can't blow this body on a baby, Steph.
I'm going to have to leave him.
SHE LAUGHS
What the fuck?
FLEABAG: Oh, shit.
YOGA GIRL 1: That is not hygienic.
Sorry.
Oh, gross! We're leaving now.
I suppose you should meet Hilary.
Two years ago, I...
OK, the most important thing is
if you don't like it, we can't take it back, OK?
OK.
Happy birthday. I'm sorry, I panicked.
As long as I can wear it or eat it, I'm happy.
You can do both of those things.
Oh my God! Did you get me a... What is this?
I... - SHE LAUGHS
What is...? - I don't know!
What is it? - Something to love?
She's beautiful!
THEY LAUGH
Thank you, you idiot.
FLEABAG: Escape artist.
I don't feel anything about guinea pigs, they're pointless.
But Boo took Hilary very seriously as a gift
and soon everything became guinea pig related.
This is an excellent one.
Drink?
SLOW JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
Look, I'm sorry about the mess.
No problem.
Do you want some prosciutto with that?
Mmm.
He's so reliable.
Utterly inaccessible and relentlessly profound.
All he wants is to get you in the bath and ask questions like...
What are you afraid of?
And you find yourself saying things like...
I guess, losing the currency of youth.
Ask me a question.
When did you realise you were so good-looking?
I knew I was different when I was about nine.
But shit got real around 11.
Shit got real?
You know. Aunts got weird.
I have another question.
OK.
Do you ever feel lonely?
Yeah. Of course.
Do you?
Never.
Do you want some pineapple?
Yeah.
God! Yeah!
Oh, they're so small. You are so small!
What?
They're so small.
So...
Small. God, they are so fucking tiny.
Yeah, I guess they're...
God, they're hardly even there! I mean, what the fuck even are they?
Bit much.
Excuse me.
Oh yeah.
I'm having a Harry panic.
Madame Ovary is telling me to run back to safe place.
I can make baby in safe place.
But... got to ride it out.
Mustn't... call... Ha...
Thanks for coming.
That's OK.
Are you OK?
Your message sounded urgent.
Were you busy?
No, I was in the interval...
Oh cool. Of Cats.
OK. - The musical.
Was it good? - Really good actually. Really good.
Sorry for interrupting.
No, that's OK.
I got the feeling it wasn't going to end well for the cats
so, I mean, probably good to remember them like that, before they all...
Sorry. Are you OK?
Who were you with?
A work friend.
A girl.
Urn...
I found this.
Thanks.
I didn't realise I'd left it.
Why is your hair wet?
Don't look at me like that.
Like what? Like what?
Look, I don't want to sound cold or cruel or...
and I don't want you to think I'm just off happy at the theater all the time either.
I'm not.
But... I'm not going to... I just...
If this is about us getting back together, I was serious.
This time, I'm not just going to come running back.
I really just need some time away from...
I'm so glad you called.
I'm so glad you picked up.
I've missed you.
Oh my gosh, you feel good.
I wish he'd just fuck me.
All he wants to do is make love.
Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm really good. I'm amazing.
He's wasting me.
I was once fucking this guy who would breathe on every thrust.
You're so young! You're so young!
I masturbate about that all the time.
Masturbate a lot these days.
Especially when I'm bored.
Or angry.
Or upset.
Can we just...
Or happy.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Amazing.
Yeah.
Shall I... - No, could you just... just stay there.
Oh, just don't... Yeah, no, don't. Just...
Yeah, ssh.
Yeah.
Yes, just... oh, just...
Oh God.
SHE MOANS
I think we should stop masturbating.
No, don't say anything yet.
I just think it might help us focus on each other
you know, be more present.
Really successful couples do it, you know.
Um...
I've hidden our vibrators.
Our?
I thought it might be fun.
To find them?
No. Just to try and not...
touch ourselves.
To try and save our touches for each other.
What do you think?
Well, I think you're being really sexy.
Don't!
Ooh, I'm joking!
I never masturbate. I don't know how.
Yeah, also, I thought we should try and surprise each other
once every day.
Just a, you know, sweet little something
just to keep it, you know...
Are you getting this out of a book?
I've already planned your first surprise, so...
don't eat too much before dinner.
See you later.
And I will see you later, too.
FLEABAG: Oh!
Hi.
Just thought I'd pop by for some lunch.
Bit weird.
Yes. Well.
How are you? Quiet day?
Yeah, I'm fine. You OK? You look stressed.
Well, I'm successful, so.
Do you have rye bread?
Er, no. But I have some normal bread you can puke up after.
Great.
What do you want on it?
Oh, just tomatoes is fine.
Just tomatoes?
Just a tomato sandwich?
Yes. There a problem?
No.
Listen, I don't want to know anything about this surprise party.
But if you could just... have it at mine, this Friday at 7.30, that'd be great.
I can organise it and act surprised, but if you could just...
Do you know what? Why don't I just do it?
I can organise it, do the food, act surprised
and just... take it off your hands.
I mean, I can see that you're busy, so.
OK. If you want.
Well, I don't want to, but I think it'd be easier for everyone if I could just...
OK.
I mean, I've done it. It's done. It's this Friday at 7.30, at mine.
Great.
How behind are you? If it's money that you need...
I don't need money.
That'll be £25, please.
London.
Thanks.
Can't believe that thing's still alive.
Oh, um... any news on Harry?
Yeah, we're back together.
Oh God. I can't keep up.
Hello?
Harry?
Oh... Shit!
Surprise, surprise, surprise...
Surprise! - HARRY SCREAMS
It's me! It's me! It's me! It's me!
Why would you do that? I thought I was going to get raped!
I'm sorry! I just... Baby, I'm sorry.
I thought you wanted a surprise. It was a ninja surprise.
Oh my God, my heart. I'm shaking so much. Oh my God.
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
Oh my God!
Oh... - Oh my God.
OK. It's OK. Are you OK?
Oh my God.
Did you have a good day? - I did, yeah. It was fine, thanks.
Baby, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't think...
I didn't think you were going to react like that. I...
I'm sorry, it was a joke.
It was a good joke.
Jesus.
I thought you'd be later.
Yeah, I... - HARRY SCREAMS
Oh my God!
Oh, God, sorry, Ijust... I think I'm still in shock.
That was horrible.
It was a surprise.
I know. Thank you. It's fine.
Shall I go and get us some wine?
OK.
I know what you look like! I know what you took!
That is the last time!
Splashed out on a special bottle for a special...
Harry?
Had to go into the history on my computer
to find something I'd seen on the H&M website this morning, and...
I don't want to point fingers, but...
anal, gangbang, mature, big cock, small tits
hentai, Asian, teen, MILF, big butts, lesbian, gay
facial, fetish, bukakke, young and old
swallow, rough, voyeur, and public.
Why are you being so sexy?
Don't make me hate you.
Loving you is painful enough.
OK, sorry.
But I really think you should write that down.
I know it's not appropriate, but I really think you should write that down.
It's really good for a line. - I'm not going to write down...
No, no, I'm serious! For your songs and stuff.
It's perfect. It's poetic, yet real. Serious.
Don't make me...
Hate you. - Yeah, I know! Thank you!
Loving you is painful...
What am I doing?
There's someone at work who loves me.
Well, she told me she loves me, and I said we couldn't be together
because I had to know.
Do you want to be alone?
You will never see me again.
I'll always love you, but I just can't take it anymore.
I don't hate you, I'm scared for you.
He's going to write that down.
I don't hate you... scared.
I'm going to go pack my things up from the bedroom again. But...
I'm not going to clean.
It's still in pretty good shape, so.
If I don't see you after that, goodbye.
Forever.
He'll be back.