- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
- Oh. - Oh, look at me.
I want to see those tiny things again.
- Oh. - Ah.
[panting] Stay sexy.
Always stay sexy.
Oh, those tits. Ooh.
- O-kay. Ah yes. - You're so fucking tiny.
May I, uh--
Oh, yeah.
Um...
Oh, God.
There's always a stage when someone's falling in love with you
that they lose their erection.
They get confused. They panic.
Stakes get too high.
The blood rushes from their dick to their heart.
- Oh, Jesus. - And everything is fucked.
**
[gasping]
What?
Oh, no, I don't think, uh--
Hillary's gonna want to hear this.
No, go on.
[chuckles]
- Nope. - No, go on.
Okay. An 11 year old boy was put in juvenile prison
for repeatedly sticking rubber ended pencils
up the school hamster's asshole.
- What? - Yeah.
Why would they do that?
Apparently, he liked it when their eyes popped out.
No, why would they send him away? He needs help.
She was a surprising person.
They shouldn't have just locked him up.
He pencil fucked a hamster.
Yeah, but he's obviously not happy.
Happy people wouldn't do things like that.
- Fair point. - And anyway,
that's the very reason why they put rubbers on the end of pencils.
What, to fuck hamsters?
No, because people make mistakes.
Hey.
- Hey. - Hey.
Look, about last night--
Uh-oh.
I don't usually connect with women.
I know, that's what I like about you.
Yeah. Okay
Um-- I, uh--
[exhales] Wow.
This must be what insecure feels like.
Actually, can we speak about this later?
I want to find the right words for you.
I'll see you at the "sexhibition"?
Yeah, see you there.
I'm gonna get to yoga.
Okay.
- [gasps] - Marvelous.
I'm so relieved you're here.
Hi.
[chuckles] And hello, good looking.
Hello.
Thank you.
- [chuckles] - Thank you.
- Well clung to. - Thank you.
Does it get very boring
everybody telling you how gorgeous you are all the time?
[laughs] Uh, a little.
- [chuckles] - Should we, uh--
Oh, yes, I won't forget this, I promise.
Oh, sure. Is Claire here yet?
No, not yet. You're an angel for being here.
Um, would you just hold onto that,
and there are bottles for topping up
on the little bar just inside.
I'm the luckiest thing to have you.
[chuckles] And, um--
There.
You're a natural. [chuckles]
[laughter]
No, really, though, this "sexhibition"
isn't about me trying to get you all aroused.
It's about the beauty of sex,
and how it brings us all together.
How it excites and connects.
How it opens people's minds.
After all, sex got us all here.
Sex brings life.
[sobbing]
I've been building this "sexhibition"
since I was 11 and a quarter,
uh, which is when I first climaxed
by accident on a bidet.
The bidet is, of course, exhibited here,
as are all the pieces from my first ever "sexhibition."
All apart from one.
A few weeks ago,
one of my most delicate pieces
was stolen from my studio.
[crowd exclaiming]
But in a sense, it was a blessing.
In fact, her brutal snatching made me think of
all the women of the world who have been robbed
of their freedom,
of their happiness,
and in the saddest of cases, of their bodies.
So in many ways, I have to thank the thief
for creating my most profound piece of work to date,
A Woman Robbed.
[applause]
Now, I would ask you all to leave your genitals at the door,
and bring your minds to these pieces.
I don't believe people always think about sex
when they see a naked body.
I believe they think about their own minds,
their own bodies,
and their own power.
And that's what the show is really about.
It's about power.
Thank you.
[applause]
[indistinct chatter]
Claire, it's me, um, just wondering where you are,
because I am very much here,
and waiting for you. Okay. Bye.
[sighs] Damnit, Claire.
Have you seen a sort of stressed out version of me anywhere?
Is it weird that my mouth's watering?
It's really fantastic work.
Honestly, it's amazing.
Thank you so much.
Yes, extraordinary.
Really, really moving, and present.
I'd love one of these on my floor.
Like a rug with perks.
[laughs] I'm sure you would.
But it's very securely nailed to the wall this evening.
[chuckling]
Have you found your father yet?
Uh, yes, I think he's by the coats.
[chuckles] Oh, no, no.
Have you found your father yet?
It's just so very obvious to me.
Yeah.
Uh-- Oh, Connor.
Whoops.
Look, about this morning.
Oh, listen, what I was trying to say is, um--
Oh, here we go.
I didn't realize this until we were having sex,
uh, yeah, and I lost my--
- Erection. - Erection.
- One more time. - Erection.
But, um, it made me realize...
I'm in love.
Oh. [chuckles]
Okay, I mean, I don't really know what to--
I don't want to have sex with anyone else.
And that's never happened to me before.
[chuckles]
I'm in love.
And I... need to tell her.
Her?
Yeah, we've been together for a couple of months,
and physically, she just never satisfied me.
She has these really massive bouncy tits
that really don't do anything for me,
and you just kept turning up like this...
sexy plank,
and, uh, it confused me.
I just don't think I should be fucking around behind her back anymore.
I just thought I should say that I am...
sorry if I have led you on.
Oh, no. [chuckles]
Oh, God, no, my, um--
My ex is due back any day... now, anyway,
so it's, uh--
I'm happy for you.
Yeah, I-- I knew you wouldn't give a shit.
Yeah, well, what can I say?
I'm sorry I don't give a shit.
Cool.
Never wear padding, okay?
Claire, where are you?
I can't survive much longer in this sea of penises,
and I don't know anyone, and so--
Harry?
Uh, hi.
Hi.
Uh, what did she do to you?
Well, just, covered me in plaster,
and left me in the garden for a couple of hours.
Oh, God, hi.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
Oh!
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi.
- Um-- - I'm just gonna go and browse around.
It was really nice to meet you.
You, too.
That's Elaine.
Mm.
- We're-- - Hey, did you see that
really good looking guy that came in with me?
No, but I saw a really good looking guy on his motor bike outside.
- Why? - Oh, yeah, that's-- He, um--
Well, he and I and--
Oh, great.
Yeah, he just dumped me.
Oh, you--
I'm sorry.
This is very... you.
Yeah, yeah, she, uh--
She said you were cool with us doing...
that.
Yeah, I don't-- I don't know why she, um--
Where's my penis?
Oh, it's on the wall over there.
Second from the left.
I should probably go and find Elaine.
She doesn't like being left on her own, so--
You've still got some stuff at the flat.
I've been rolling around in my lingerie all over it
waiting for you to come and collect it.
- Yeah, I, uh-- - Just your-- your Tupperware.
And your TV and your dinosaur plate.
Oh, I got a new dinosaur plate,
but, um--
Yeah, but-- Thank you, but you can--
You can keep those.
Hey. Do you still wank about me sometimes?
No.
Elaine.
Mm.
Claire.
My God, it's been hell. Where have you been?
I, um--
All parked up.
Hello, you.
- Um-- - We almost didn't make it,
but, um--
We didn't want to let the old boy down.
But I thought that--
We're just gonna do a quit whiz around
to show our faces.
Okay, uh, but--
We're just gonna do a quick whiz around.
Sorry, could you just--
Could you just do something with those?
Thank you, darling.
**
[finger snapping]
[glass breaking]
[gasping]
[whispering] Don't.
Don't!
[chuckling]
The joys of butterfingered staff.
Will you stop making a spectacle of yourself,
and clean that up.
You clean that up.
Apologize.
I'm sorry.
Turns out I'm not such a natural after all.
[whimpering]
Oh, fuck off.
I'm just going to say this once.
I deserve to be happy.
I am allowed to move on.
I have a good life,
and I am happy, all right?
All right?
If you don't mind,
I'm going to go and get my cardi from the car.
It's a little chilly.
I'm sorry you had to hear that.
But you did have to hear it.
No, no. She'll do it.
What the fuck was that?
What is he doing here?
You're not going to Finland.
Oh, God.
What are you doing here?
I'm helping.
[chuckles] He's--
He didn't try to kiss you.
He did.
He says it was more like the other way around.
What?
Well, that's just not true.
[scoffs]
No, fuck you.
- Claire-- - Please don't.
No, Claire, he came out into the garden--
- I don't want to hear it. - And, he--
Claire, you have to believe me.
- How can I believe you? - Because I'm your sister.
After what you did to Boo?
[sobbing]
He slept with someone else.
He said-- He told me he fucked someone else.
I'm sorry, but you just have to see it from my point of view.
Come on.
**
I think I love him.
**
Boo: I'm gonna hurt myself.
I'm gonna get hit by a bike and then hurt my finger,
and then he's gonna have to come and see me in hospital.
He'll be very sorry for what he did.
[horn honking]
[sobbing]
I don't know where you came from.
What, you don't think we're the same?
You've got the same lines on your forehead as me.
Thank you for fixating on them.
And you're stubborn.
Snap.
- And sad. - Not born sad.
- Some people are. - You weren't.
No. I guess not.
Jesus, why do daughters get to say
that they're fucked up by their fathers,
when it's so often the other way around?
[chuckles]
Why do you do that to yourself?
Looks cool.
I think your mother would have admired
your little performance up there.
Do you ever think about her?
Yeah.
Do you think about your friend?
All the time.
Well--
I'm sorry.
I--
Think you should go.
**
Hi, this is Boo.
I can't come to the phone right now,
but please leave me a "messyagio"
so I'll get back to you.
Hi, this is Boo.
I can't come to the phone right now,
but please leave me a "messyagio"
so I'll get back to you.
[traffic noise]
You okay?
Big night, then?
Mm.
What?
I thought in the application for your loan
it said you ran a cafe for guinea pigs.
[chuckles]
That's why I thought it was funny.
Never thought guinea pigs needed--
It's guinea pig themed.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- That makes sense. - Yeah.
Can I get you a cup of tea?
I've run out.
Coffee?
Run out.
Well, I should probably be heading back to the office.
Cafe's are a very difficult business.
You certainly made this one very...
unique.
I would say fucked into liquidation.
Okay.
And I fucked up my family.
Did you?
And I fucked my friend by fucking her boyfriend.
Right.
And sometimes I wish I didn't even know that...
fucking existed.
[sniffling] And that I know that my body as it is now
really is the only thing I have left,
and when that gets old and unfuckable,
I may as well just kill it.
[sniffling]
And somehow there isn't anything worse
than someone who doesn't want to fuck me.
I fuck everything.
Except for when I was in your office.
I really wasn't trying to have sex.
Either everyone feels like this a little bit,
and they're just not talking about it,
or I'm completely fucking alone.
Which isn't fucking funny.
Right, well, uh--
I should probably, um--
I should probably--
[bell jingles]
People make mistakes.
That's why they put rubbers on the ends of pencils.
Is that a joke?
I don't know.
I think we should start your interview again.
Here?
Yeah.
- Go on. - Okay.
Well, thank you for coming in.
No problem.
I've, uh, read through your application form.
It says you run a cafe for guinea pigs.
[laughs]
Told you it was funny.
**