I opened the cafe with my friend Boo.
Yeah, she's dead now.
Thank you for coming in today. That kind of thing
won't get you very far here anymore.
-Oh! -Oh! Wh-- Oh!
I suppose you should meet Hillary.
She's beautiful.
FLEABAG: Mum died three years ago.
Loo, loo, loo, boodoop!
All right, Dad?
Dad's way of coping with two motherless daughters
was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures,
start fucking our godmother and, eventually, stop calling.
DAD: Did you take the sculpture?
What sculpture?
♪ ♪
Martin is being lovely.
I am not drunk.
Always drunk.
Jake's her stepson.
He's really weird.
Probably clinically,
but no one really talks about that.
No.
I got the Finland promotion.
-That's amazing! -Thank you.
People make mistakes.
FLEABAG: Your husband tried to kiss me
-on your birthday. -(guests exclaiming)
I'm just going to say this once.
CLAIRE: He didn't try to kiss you.
He says it was more like the other way around.
-Have to believe me. -How can I believe you?
FLEABAG: Because I'm your sister.
CLAIRE: After what you did to Boo?
-I'm sorry. -You should go.
♪ ♪
♪ You are the one ♪
♪ I want to be close to ♪
♪ You are the one ♪
♪ That I adore ♪
(grunts softly)
♪ You are the reason ♪
♪ The sun shines brightly ♪
♪ In the sky... ♪
(knocking on door)
MAN: Can I do anything?
-No, thank you. -♪ In love forevermore ♪
MAN: They've gone. So...
♪ Forevermore ♪
♪ When we're apart... ♪
Thank you.
♪ Oh, darling, I miss you. ♪
(sighs)
This is a love story.
♪ ♪
You know when you've done everything?
When you've been all...
-Squat! Squat! -Squat! Squat!
And...
you've even...
Do you want to have sex?
No.
Can I at least go down on you?
No!
You've done everything. And you feel...
great.
You're not even thinking about...
You don't even think about...
And even though your sister still hates you...
Thank you.
...you're pretending to be friends
because your dad is...
(thunder rumbles)
-I'm joking. He's just there. -Here's to love.
And engaged. To love.
-ALL: To love. -Hey!
Ugh.
-Congratulations, you assholes. -(laughter)
-Oh. -♪ ♪
(all laughing)
(spoon clinking against glass)
So, uh, it-it means a-a great deal
to-to both of us that, uh,
you, that-that we,
the family
are-are all together here for, uh...
for a very special family, uh...
gang bang, um...
(all chuckle)
Just, you know, b-being here,
uh, you know, I-I know we've had our, you know...
'Cause I-I have the feeling,
um, in here.
So I just want to say...
Very much.
And that's it. (chuckles)
-Oh, darling. -Aw.
-Congratulations, Dad. -Congratulations.
-Cheers.
May these be the worst of our days.
-DAD: Mm-hmm, indeed. -(chuckles): Hey.
Don't know who this guy is.
Happy for you, old boy. Best decision a man can make.
-Hmm? -Ugh.
You look well.
-Thank you. -DAD: All right.
-Wine, everyone? -MAN: I'd love some wine.
-Oh, you'll adore it. I chose it. -(chuckles)
Not for us, thanks.
-Off the sauce. -Six months and counting.
-Why would you do that? -We just...
-enjoy each other more this way. -Don't want to miss a thing.
(laughter)
Haven't seen her since...
Except for...
-Nice jumpsuit. -Thank you.
You look well. Where have you been?
Boots. It's lovely there this time of year.
Well, you look fantastic.
Oh, well, you both look gorgeous.
-Oh, thank you. -Oh, well, no. -Is that fur?
Yes, but it's okay because it had a stroke.
-Oh, lovely. -Oh.
(all chuckle)
I can't go to hell for that, can I, Father?
No, not as long as you confess.
Oh, God, he's their priest.
Then you have nothing to fucking worry about.
Their cool, sweary priest.
Love the Catholics. You can get away with anything.
MARTIN: A lot of them did.
(laughter)
It's an honor to be marrying you two.
-Thank you. -GODMOTHER: I didn't realize
that you were allowed out
without your little doggy thing.
Oh, sorry. Have I disappointed you?
-(chuckles) Course not. -Devastated.
-Can I get you another bottle? -Needy Waitress.
-Ah, no. Sorry, we've already ordered wine. -No. No.
Oh, no. Really?
Uh, I-I'll have another tequila.
I'll have a tequila.
Great! Thank you so much.
MARTIN: Uh, can I get a glass of sparkling water
-with a dash of lime, please? -CLAIRE: Oh, yes. I'll have the same.
-Dream team. -(chuckles)
GODMOTHER: You know,
the most fascinating thing about Father here
is that his mother was originally a lesbi...
-(laughter) -You do look tired.
-(chuckles) -Oh, it's not as exhausting
as I thought it would be, actually.
She's commuting from Finland.
She has narrowed down her packing
to a ten-minute turnaround. It's, uh...
-CLAIRE: It's fine. -Fabulous!
-It's all about... -Rolling it up.
-Rather than... -Folding it.
-Yeah. -I've read about that.
-(gasps, laughs) -Now, are you sure
-you don't want any wine? -Oh. -BOTH: No, thank you.
Really is delicious.
-I admire you both so much. -MARTIN: Oh, well,
it's really turned us around, hasn't it, honey?
Oh, so much more energy. You know, in Finland...
Is there a reason that you're not drinking?
He's an alcoholic.
Oh, fun! My parents were alcoholics.
-Oh, great. -Yeah. (chuckles)
We thought it'd be easier if we did it together,
and I don't really like the taste, anyway.
And we are trying for a baby.
Oh, Claire.
We thought you couldn't have them.
-What? Why? -Well, you just seem a little...
MARTIN: Well, they say a lifestyle change
can help, so here we go.
That is so exciting, darling.
Oh, thanks, Dad.
-DAD: Good luck. -PRIEST: That's wonderful.
Something's up.
And now you have the money to pay for proper help.
Ghastly without help, I imagine.
Tell us about Finland.
Oh, well, it's, um...
cold and beautiful and dark.
I think she might be happy.
It's a lot of pressure, but I love it.
I have this amazing new partner out there. He's really pushed
-the company forward... -GODMOTHER: Do you know,
I can't remember the last time we went away.
Well, weren't you both in Japan recently?
-Japan? Wow. -Oh, yes,
but that was just a little fortnight.
-(chuckles) Don't ask her... -PRIEST: Why were you in Japan?
-DAD: Well, the... -GODMOTHER: I was...
Oh, sorry, darling.
Oh, no, no. Go on.
Thank you. Um, they flew us over with the Sexhibition.
-It really made an imp... -Sorry, darling, do you...
-No, no, no. No, I... -No? Okay. You see, you think
of the Japanese as a very prudish people.
-Well, not to generalize. -But actually,
they have a very deep interest in sex in their culture.
It's just hidden in the underbelly.
It's not allowed to come to the surface.
-Well, fair enough. -DAD: They really appreciated...
GODMOTHER: The honesty of the Sexhibition, whereas the...
-The Americans. Oh, wow. -The Americans,
well, they just took me in their stride.
-(Dad chuckles) -But the Japanese
were deeply moved by my work, I think,
-weren't they, darling? -Yeah, yeah.
It caused quite a cultural wave.
Ripple.
Ripple. W-Wave. Wave.
No one's asked me a question in 45 minutes.
So, what do you do?
Uh, I run a café.
Oh! Oh.
It's going well, is it?
Yes. It is. It really is.
It actually is.
It is.
PRIEST: Cool.
(chuckles)
Can I get anyone any ice?
Fellow smoker. Do you have a spare one?
Sure.
So, do your family get together much or...?
Well, fuck you, then.
-(indistinct chatter) -We should wait.
(quietly): Okay.
Mm.
-Such a lovely man. -Yeah, well,
-we're so lucky to have him. -Did you have a cigarette?
-Yeah. -At this...
I wish you could have seen him in his little...
MARTIN: You know they can't even masturbate.
-Shit life, man. (chuckles) -PRIEST: Oh, sorry.
-Ah. -Oh.
-(clears throat) -We were just saying,
it's fascinating, the notion of a calling.
Yeah, well, marriage is a calling, too,
-of course. -Yeah.
Did you always want to join the priesthood?
-Oh, fuck, no. -(laughter)
Sorry. (sighs)
Uh, no, no, no. I came quite late to it, actually,
but it's been a really good life to me.
-Mm-hmm. -I've really found peace in it.
CLAIRE: Is anyone in your family
-in the church? -Actually, both my parents
are lawyers, and my brother is a long-distance lorry driver.
How unusual. Are your parents successful?
They were very successful alcoholics, yeah.
-(laughter) -Better than you, anyway.
No, but beyond them, um,
my family literally crawling with nuns,
so, it wasn't too much of a... a leap.
-Must be hard on the balls. -(laughter)
-Martin. -Not as hard on them
as trying to make a baby for five months, I imagine.
-DAD: Food good? -Yeah.
-This sauce is disgusting. -Is everything okay?
-Oh, it's delicious, thank you! -DAD: Yeah, it was lovely.
-Thank you. -Lovely. Lovely, lovely. Right.
-Oh, darling. -DAD: Um, no, no.
We'll-we'll just pour our own wine, please.
-Oh. I actually love doing... -No, really.
-Thank you. -You can pour me some.
-Oh, thank you. -Um... (chuckles)
So, do you do a lot of older weddings?
Oh, I don't... I don't think that's how we...
No. This is my first ever
-wedding, actually! -OTHERS: Oh!
Do you know, I've always been so suspicious
of religion, but I must say,
I think there's something rather chic about having
-a real priest at a wedding. -(laughing)
Are you a real priest?
Yeah.
It's so nice spending time getting to know the man
-who's going to marry us. -Is that usual?
No! But I'm new to the... the parish,
and, uh, I guess I'm just, um... I'm really...
(chuckles) I'm really fucking lonely.
-(laughter) -So... so I appreciate this.
-Thank you very much. -New to the parish?
Father Patrick sadly... died,
so I got the gig.
What did he die of?
Just... um... time.
Oh.
PRIEST: But he was a dedicated man.
He was a brilliant priest.
-Sounds like a riot. -He was... actually.
Do you know how we met?
-No. -Through Jake.
Creepy stepson.
-He plays the flute. -BOTH: The bassoon.
In the church band. Just adorable.
And Claire introduced us, and we just hit it off, didn't we?
-(chuckles) We did! Yeah. -They did! (chuckles)
PRIEST: She's donating a painting
-for the fete. It's gonna cause quite the stir. -Mm.
Oh, it's just an old one, but... Now, listen.
-Um, we don't want gifts at the wedding. -(clears throat)
I mean, it's enough that people slug it over
without then expecting a gift, so we have decided
to ask people to make a small donation
to a charity of their choosing in our name.
That sounds lovely.
Do you want to know what gift I'm giving your father?
-Oh, God. -It's a portrait.
-Oh, God. -Of you girls.
Oh, God. Um...
-You mean... with them... -Together or, um...?
I'd only need a couple of sittings.
Right. Can't you use photos?
No, because the lighting's never good enough, and if you're not
very photogenic, then it does you no favors. And besides,
the only photos there are of you two together
are of when you were children, and you looked like a boy, so...
You never told me you had a sister, Claire.
Oh, well, we, um...
We-we don't get to see each other much.
Do you... do you see your brother?
Oh, I don't really speak to my brother.
Oh, God, how desperately sad. Why is that?
-Oh. Um... well... -You-you don't have to.
-No, no. That's okay. -Does he not approve
of what you do, of your choices?
No, no, no. It's not that. It's not that.
Is he... is he not in the church?
No, he's not in the church.
Oh, it must be so hard.
-Well, it's mainly hard because... -Is it 'cause
-he's Mummy's favorite? -Because he's a pedophile.
Oh.
I'm aware of the irony of that.
-(laughter) -Even as a priest.
(footsteps approaching)
Ah.
Just a... just a breath of air, eh?
-In-Interesting man, eh? -Mm.
(Dad chuckles)
Uh, no thanks.
My darling, I, uh... I'm sorry I missed
-your birthday, so I just got... -Oh, that's okay.
No, no. I just.... Uh, in case you're struggling.
-Oh, Dad, the cafe's going well. I don't... -Oh, no, no. No, no.
This is not for work. It's just for you.
Thanks.
You look, uh...
strong.
(chuckles) Thanks.
-Are you? -(laughs)
Are we gonna have a fight? (chuckles)
No! No. I'm sorry. No.
I just want to check that you're...
that you and I are...
Well, you're being very...
You're not being naughty.
-(both laugh) -No.
Why?
Well, because... I guess...
(laughing): Yeah?
It doesn't matter.
Oh.
Okay.
Is that right?
(Dad sniffles)
I'm happy for you, Dad.
Thank you.
Ah!
Thank you. You're an exceptional waitress.
-(inhales through nose) -Apple juice?
Yeah.
I...
I just wanted to say, I am so intrigued
to see how you are going
to make this whole evening about yourself.
(chuckles)
Oh, no, no.
We probably shouldn't arrive at the table together.
(chuckles airily)
A lot of people would say praying is just
talking to yourself in the dark.
(chuckles) I guess it could look like that.
No, it's more just about
connecting with yourself at the end of each day.
It takes a bit of effort, but it's a positive way...
CLAIRE: Yes, yes, I completely agree.
-Positive energy takes work. -Yes.
In the last six months,
I've excelled. I take all the negative emotions
and just bottle them and bury them, and they never come out.
-Yeah, I'm not sure... -I've basically never been better!
-Us neither. -I feel fantastic. -You're a very
-positive family, I must say. -DAD: Oh, absolutely.
CLAIRE: Oh, I think it's all about positivity.
It takes real commitment to be this happy.
It's not just about eating and drinking well, either.
Putting pine nuts on your salad doesn't make you a grownup.
-It fucking does. -It's about...
Well, in-in Finland we, um...
Oh, they have this saying which I-I can't quite remember now.
It's, um... (speaks Finnish)
It's about opening yourself up
to the people who want to love you.
-And she is wide open lately. -(laughter)
What do you do?
-Oh, I work in finance. -DAD: What?
-What? -Across two firms.
-One in Finland and one here. -No, no, she's a lawyer.
-I thought you were a lawyer. -No. -What?
I work with lawyers. I'm not a lawyer.
-Darling, you are a solicitor. -I went to business school.
You're being so quiet.
Why aren't you saying anything?
What do you want me to say?
Anything.
What's that in your hand?
-She doesn't need to tell you. -Birthday present from Dad.
-It's a good thing, Claire. -Chunk of change?
-No. It's uh, it's a... -What is it? -Don't know.
-You don't need to open it. -PRIEST: I love presents.
-I never get presents. -DAD: It's... Well, it's because
-you might... -It's a voucher
for a counseling session.
-Thanks, Dad. -(Martin chuckles)
-So thoughtful. -I'd kill for one of those.
I don't believe you can pay your problems away.
I think you have to face who you are and suffer the consequences.
It's the only road to happiness.
Maybe happiness isn't in what you believe,
but who you believe.
♪ ♪
Fuck.
Excuse me.
Ooh. Do you think she needs anything?
OTHERS: No!
That was meant to be a bedroom present.
-A what? -A present
that you open in your bedroom, alone.
GODMOTHER: All my presents
are bedroom presents, aren't they?
-(chuckles) -You want some more wine?
-Oh, yes. -No.
♪ ♪
Claire? You've been ages.
You pissed off, or are you doing a poo?
CLAIRE: Fuck.
Fuck it.
-Claire, can we just... -Have you got a...
(groans) ...sanitary towel?
Oh, no.
but, um, but I know a waitress who would jump on that request.
-Do you want me to ask her? -No.
-Okay, well, there are some... -Fuck.
sturdy hand towels here-- I could try and fashion something
with wings out of these.
Yes, fine.
Open the door?
-Just, fuck, just... -Oh!
-Fuck! Give it to me! -Whoa-hoa!
-Don't come in! -It's a period, it's not gonna bite me.
Don't look at it.
I'm not looking at your period.
Just take this.
-Oh, God. -It's not a period,
it's a fucking miscarriage, okay?
Jesus, Claire.
-It's-it's okay. -No, it's not okay.
-You need to go to a hospital. -It's fine.
-I just need the... -L-Let me just...
No! Just get your hands off my miscarriage!
(exhales) It's mine.
(crying): It's mine.
(sighs)
(toilet flushes)
Okay.
Claire.
It's okay. It's okay.
Okay, we need to go to a hospital now.
Now.
Yes.
Okay.
-Okay. -Okay.
Okay.
(takes deep breath)
-Come on. -It's...
-It's all good. -Okay.
CLAIRE: Don't tell anyone.
Okay, let's get the coats. I'll get a taxi.
-I'll tell them I don't feel right. -Okay.
-Thank you. -Okay.
I've never been there.
I get antiques from there all the time.
-I still haven't gone there. -GODMOTHER: Oh, really?
Yeah, I can understand.
Wonderful place to buy things like that.
'Cause he insists on dressing like a gondolier.
-(Martin laughs) -I don't like all the water.
Fuck it, I'm having some. Sorry, darling.
-(chuckles) -GODMOTHER: Oh, good girl!
One night off.
Oh-ho. Wow, what did you say to her?
-I, um... -CLAIRE: Oh, nothing.
I just, uh... Just sit down.
-Come on, it's a party. -MARTIN: Can I have some?
Oh, is someone suddenly getting into the party spirit?
-Sit down! -Oh-ho!
What did you take in there?
Your sister is finally a good influence on you.
CLAIRE: No, we just suddenly realized
what a monumental fucking day this is!
-Drink. -DAD: Honestly,
just leave them in there two minutes
and they're suddenly being teenagers again. (laughs)
Shall I get another bottle?
-Yes! -Okay!
GODMOTHER: We were just talking about Venice
and this wonderful trip we had.
I mean, how many times have we said we have to go to Venice?
Yeah, I've always wanted to go there. Top of my list.
(lively, indistinct chatter)
Oh, for fuck's sake, stop it!
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm, uh...
uh...
Is, um... is it...
No, I'm sorry, I just...
And here we go.
-Sorry, I just... -What's happened?
-Nothing's happened. -What's happened?
(laughs): Something's happened.
(laughs): Come on. Come on.
-Well, spit it out. -No secrets here.
-Now's a good time to say it. -I j... I just had a little...
This is a safe space.
-I just... I had a... -Come on.
-DAD: What? What, darling? -...a little m-miscarriage.
Oh, my God.
-What? -Um...
What the fuck?
GODMOTHER: How far gone were you?
-You should go to the hospital. -Whose was it?
No, maybe leave that for later.
-Was it the tooth man? -Hospital now.
-What about the bill? Sit down. -No, I'll cover her. I'll cover you.
-She doesn't want to go. -MARTIN: Why? -'Cause I'm stubborn,
and for some inexplicable reason I'd rather stay here
and have a passive-aggressive party, so...
-How far gone were you? -Oh, it was very early stages.
-You knew? -PRIEST: I really think
-she should see a doctor. -Yeah, so do I.
-I thought you hadn't spoken. -She is fine.
She's absolutely fine. Drink.
If it's gone, it's gone.
-Claire... -What if it's not gone?
-It's gone. -DAD: Darling...
Oh, it's probably ectopic.
Awful.
I'll pay you back.
Do you need someone to go with you?
No, I think I'll just deal with this
in my own insane, irrational, anal way, if that's okay.
(chuckles) That's probably for the best.
-What'd you say? -Ignore him. He's been drinking.
-What? -Just, you know, it's like
a "goldfish out the bowl" sort of thing.
If it didn't wanna be in there, it didn't wanna be in there.
Something wasn't right.
What? It's the kid's choice
if it wants to jump ship, right?
-Now, Martin, just... -MARTIN: Uh, either way...
she got her spotlight.
-Ow! -(gasping, shouting)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What the fuck?! Fuck! Fuck!
(panicked shouts)
-Oh, my God! -Ow! -MARTIN: Jeez... Jesus!
NEEDY WAITRESS: Is there anything I can do for you?
-(screams) -(gasps)
-Aah...! -Oh, fuck!
Oh, for God's sake!
(knocking on door)
PRIEST: Can I do anything?
No, thank you.
PRIEST: They've gone.
-(sniffles) -So...
Thank you.
♪ ♪
(quietly): Fucking hell.
Oh, hey, uh, I got... I got your stuff.
-Are you okay? -Thanks.
-Yeah. You okay? -Yeah, yeah.
If you ever need someone
to talk to or, uh...
I'll be there.
I'm always there.
♪ ♪
CLAIRE: Hey!
♪ ♪
(panting): Thank you.
Just tell me where you live, and we'll talk about this tomorrow.
Can you take us to the nearest hospital, please?
DRIVER: Yep.
The priest is quite hot.
So hot.
♪ ♪