♪ ♪
(gasps)
Just don't... talk too much
or try to pretend you know anything about the company.
-Okay. -And don't be funny or clever or--
Just don't be the center of attention.
These people are very important to me,
-so just don't... -Okay.
...don't be yourself.
I won't.
(farting)
For fuck's sake.
(laughing quietly)
I know people in this building.
-Anyone could come... -(elevator bell dings, doors open)
Hi, Claire.
Hello, Leslie.
(doors close)
(elevator humming quietly)
Ooh, that's lovely.
What is that?
We have a load of vegetarians,
so make sure it's clear which ones have meat in them.
-Loves a crisis. -We have a couple of waitresses for the drinks,
-so if you could hand round the food. -Mm-hmm.
Put her in a quiet room with a nice breeze,
-she'll have a panic attack. -Where is everyone?
She's so happy.
God, this is stressful.
Don't be weird about how big my office is.
FLEABAG: What the fuck?!
-CLAIRE: I know. -Are you a...
It's over the top. I know. Okay.
Put them on the table. Not that table.
-Oh. You okay? -Of course. It's just,
it's just, it's a big night,
and the Finnish partners are here, so it's all a bit...
-Oh, check the award. -(exhales) Why?
Just to make sure it's not pink or anything horrifically female.
She'll loathe that.
Be careful with it. It's worth thousands.
-It's not pink. -Good.
It's perfect. It looks like a sperm.
-Your hair looks nice. -Shut up.
Okay-- Don't sit on that.
Okay, put those on the posh plates.
Put the award behind the microphone.
Oh, and, um...
(clicks tongue)
Thank you.
You've really, uh...
Thank you.
Don't play with that.
Oh, wow, it's heavy. Ah!
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
My God.
(panting)
(bell tolling)
♪ ♪
(panting continues)
(indistinct chatter)
(exhales)
-Where have you been? -Oh, sorry.
I just had to get the vegetarian bites. But it's all fine.
-You're gonna love them. -You're sweating so much.
-Sorry. -It's attention-grabbing.
It's only on one side. (exhales)
Um, sorry, this is, uh, Sylvia.
She's going to be presenting the award,
so when you hear me introduce her, get her onstage.
-Hi. -Has this got shellfish in it?
-No. -Fine.
Four CEOs have been fired. Two are being taken to court.
I mean, it's just sad. We felt like a family.
Yeah. Especially sad when you have to tell your family
not to touch each other up by the photocopier. (chuckles)
(laughter)
Stop making jokes.
-I'm sorry. I can't help it. -You can.
Oh, Belinda's coming. Don't speak to Belinda.
-Hello, Claire. -Hello, Belinda.
-God, you're tasteful. -Mm.
Ooh, are these meaty?
Say something.
Um, no, I think they have courgette in them.
Oh, I love courgette.
(chuckles): You can treat them appallingly and they still grow.
-She seems lovely. -Yeah, she's great.
So who are you so nervous about?
I'm not nervous. I'm being completely...
-Claire! (chuckles) -Oh!
-Hi. Oh! -Oh, wow.
Oh, sorry. I-I'm-I'm so glad you could come.
-Of course. It's my job. (chuckles) -Ah.
This is my catering. She's the sister.
-Hi. -Ah. (chuckles)
I ate a sausage over there, thinking it was a prune.
-Oh. -(chuckles)
15 years of vegetarianism, gone.
Like bang, bang.
-Oh. -(laughter)
We do actually call them "bangers."
-Ah! That's funny! (laughs) -(laughs)
Yes, it was.
So, how do you two know each other?
-Uh, we're partners. -Uh, we are partners.
-Um, business partners. In, um... -Yes. She's been working
-with me in Finland, and, uh... -Yes.
-We don't get to see each other that much, but I'm... -No, exactly.
-I'm a huge... -I'm a big fan.
-Thank you. Admirer. -(chuckles softly)
I'm going to get a drink. Do you want anything?
Oh. Uh, champagne, please.
-Oh. (chuckles) Off the wagon? -(chuckles)
Oh, just when I'm with you.
(chuckling)
Let's go fucking crazy tonight, then.
-(chuckles) -Hmm?
What did you say?
No, no. I, um, I was...
-No, what did you say? -Oh, just, uh,
-uh... -(chuckles)
I just said, "Let's go fuck like crazy tonight."
Oh, God. Uh...
-Okay! -(both laughing)
(chuckles nervously)
(shuddering exhale)
Shut up.
(laughs): Oh, my God.
He is a very good businessman. He's just socially sort of...
-And what's, um... (chuckles) -Shut up.
-Claire. -Please don't. Please don't.
-I can't cope. Okay? -Okay.
Okay.
What's his name?
Klare.
What?
His name is Klare.
-Don't. -Mm.
Oh, God, I have to announce. Okay, mingle.
-But don't talk to anyone. -Okay.
I'm not in love with him.
Okay.
Hi, everyone.
I am very proud to announce the nominees
for the Women in Business Awards,
sponsored by us here at Hurbots.
Amongst our exceptional women,
we have Georgina Franks.
(applause)
Belinda Friers.
And another extraordinary woman,
Klare Korhonen.
Oh, uh, sorry. I-I think there's been a mistake here.
I-- And, uh, Elizabeth Sawkin.
Congratulations to you all. Have a wonderful evening.
We will be presenting the award very soon.
-I'm gonna introduce Sylvia, who's gonna introduce Belinda. -Uh-huh.
When you hear me introducing Sylvia, get her onstage.
-It has to go like "cockwork." -Like what?
"Cockwork."
Claire, your brain is somewhere else right now.
Just-- Sylvia. Go.
Sylvia.
(vomiting)
(quietly): Crap.
A huge thanks to Matthew, Mark Luke and John
for coming up with this award,
and to LinkedIn for connecting us all this evening and beyond.
I am so excited to introduce Sylvia Hamber,
this year's winner of Women Who Work,
-(mouthing) -who will announce this year's
-Best Woman in Business. Sylvia. -(applause)
-(mouthing) -MAN: What an entrance!
(mouthing)
I'll do it.
(quietly): I can do it.
(clears throat) Um, I'm sorry.
It appears that Sylvia is busy,
which shouldn't come as a surprise, really.
Uh...
It's-it's been a big year for business.
Particularly women in business.
Men have been pretty hands-on the past few decades.
(Fleabag laughs)
I'd like to thank all the brilliant men and women
for supporting each other here at Hurbots.
We're a-a family, really.
And if we've learned anything during the past 12 months,
it's that family really shouldn't touch each other up
next to the photocopier.
(laughter)
(mouths)
I am honored to present this award
to this year's Best Woman in Business...
Belinda Friers.
-(cheering, applause) -Fuck's sake!
Thank you, thank-thank you. (chuckles)
Well, um...
Well, I was going to say this is a bit on the nose,
-but she doesn't seem to have one. -(laughter)
-What were you thinking? -It'll be fine.
It's not fine. I awarded her with a pair of tits.
Chase her down.
-Chase her down? -It's a stolen piece of art.
I will deal with the photographer.
-KLARE: Claire! -Oh!
Oh, my God, you were brilliant.
-Thank you, Klare. -I loved the joke.
-Ah. -Oh, well, I didn't think it was that funny.
-(chuckles) -Can you go, my love?
-Oh, I'm just gonna... -Take the stairs.
(chuckles): Okay.
(thunder rumbling)
♪ ♪
I'm trained in martial arts.
It's just the basics, but it is enough.
I work at Harbots.
Hurbots.
Yes, I ate a courgette off your tray.
-Yeah. -It was delicious.
-Thank you. -What do you want?
That.
I-I need to take your award back.
-Why? -It's a stolen piece of art.
It's not really an award. It's all my fault.
-I can explain. -Is it a long story?
Sort of.
(thunder rumbling)
BELINDA: And she still doesn't know you have it?
-(both laugh) -That's glorious.
I think you did exactly the right thing.
I think you're the only person who thinks that.
God. Women's awards.
Congratulations.
Oh, it's infantilizing bollocks.
Well, don't you think it's good that...
No. No. It's ghettoizing.
It's a subsection of success.
Ah, it's the fucking children's table of awards.
-(laughs) -Why did you go?
Because I'd be an arsehole not to.
BARTENDER: Ms. Friers.
Thank you, darling.
(smacks lips)
God, she's hot.
Yeah.
Are you a lesbian?
-Not strictly. You? -Mm.
-Mm. Do you like old films? -Some.
And what's your favorite period film?
Carrie.
(both laugh)
God.
God, you are a tonic.
What do you do? Are you a "woman in business"?
I run a café.
Oh, good for you.
Did you make the canapés?
-Uh, no, actually, I stole them. -(laughs)
How old are you?
-58. And you? -33.
Oh. Well, don't worry. It does get better.
-You promise? -I promise.
Listen, I was in an airplane the other day,
and I realized-- well, I-I mean,
I've been longing to say this out loud, so...
Women are born with pain built in.
It's our physical destiny.
Uh, period pains, sore boobs, childbirth, you know.
We carry it within ourselves throughout our lives.
Men don't.
They have to seek it out.
They invent all these gods and demons and things
all so they can feel guilty about things,
which is something we do very well on our own.
Then they create wars so they can
feel things and touch each other,
and when there aren't any wars, they can play rugby.
And we have it all going on in here, inside.
We have pain on a cycle for years and years and years.
And then, just when you feel you are making peace with it all,
what happens?
The menopause comes.
The fucking menopause comes, and it is...
...the most
wonderful fucking thing in the world.
And yes, your entire pelvic floor crumbles,
and you get fucking hot, and n-no one cares,
but then you're free.
No longer a slave,
no longer a-a machine with parts.
You're just a person, in business.
Oh.
I was told it was horrendous.
It is horrendous, but then it's magnificent.
Something to look forward to.
(chuckles softly)
You better get back to that party.
-Your party. -Mm. It is not a party
until someone flirts with you.
And that's the only really shit thing about getting older
is that people don't flirt with you anymore.
Not really. Not with danger.
I miss walking into a room and not knowing,
and there's a sort of energy, a dare.
And do not take that for granted.
There is nothing more exciting than a room full of people.
Yeah, except most people are...
What?
Shit.
Oh.
Look at me.
Listen.
People are all we've got.
People are all we've got, so grab the night by its nipples
and go and flirt with someone.
Mm. No, that's not what I meant. (chuckles)
(chuckles softly)
Oh. I wish you were my type.
You take this tart back to my party
and go and find someone to actually do that with.
-I want to do it with you. -No.
(chuckles): Why not?
-Honestly? -Yeah.
I can't be arsed, darling.
I'm gonna go back to my room and have one more martini,
and if you need anything, call me.
Anything.
You can have whomever you want at your age.
Except the Best Woman in Business.
Well, that's just 'cause she's... exhausted.
33 isn't exactly...
-And what had Jesus done by 33? -Died?
Exactly. So get out there and flirt.
Here you are.
-Oh, hi. -Thought you might be snogging Finland.
Ha. No, I, uh--
Just, uh, sorting a few things.
-I got her. -Oh.
-And Belinda gave me her card. -Oh, that's great.
-What? -Nothing.
She's furious.
-Really? -Yes.
It was a great night.
Everything went smoothly in the end,
and everyone loved the canapés.
Really? I'm a dead woman.
-Really? -Yes.
Really?
Yes. It was a great night.
She's gonna blow. I just have a feeling...
I would have come up with my own joke
if you hadn't put that one in my head.
I have my own jokes.
I am funny, I am interesting.
I knew I shouldn't have brought you here.
-What do you mean "interesting"? -You just think you can do
whatever you like, say whatever you like,
steal whatever you like, kiss whoever you like.
-He kissed me! -Oh, I know!
You know? Then why have we been spending the entire...
Because you're fine.
You'll always be fine, you'll always be interesting
with your quirky café and your dead best friend.
You just make me feel like I've failed.
Claire...
If you mention the size of my office, I will scream.
(whispers): It's huge.
I just thought we were hanging out.
Just as friends.
We're not friends.
We are sisters.
Get your own friends.
♪ ♪
(doorbell rings)
(exhales)
(door scrapes)
-Oh, hi. -Oh, sorry.
I didn't have your number, and you just said
come round anytime with G&Ts.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. I just, uh--
This is a bit embarrassing, but recently I've been
really enjoying going to bed at 9:30.
-Oh, shit. -No, it's fine.
I can see G&T-- Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, I just-just fancied a drink and a priest
and a chat, maybe.
Oh, that's my whole job.
-(chuckles) -We'll have to be quiet though,
because Pam's a bit of
(whispering): a sound tyrant in the evenings.
Pam lives here?
Yeah, Pam lives here. Okay.
-FLEABAG: So, I read your book. -Okay, great.
-Well, it's got some great twists. -True.
-Uh, but I just, I couldn't help but notice... -Come on, just spit it out.
...just one or two little inconsistencies.
Okay, sure. (clears throat)
So, the world was made in seven days,
and on the first day, light came,
and then, a few days later, the sun came.
Yeah, that's ridiculous.
(laughs): But you believe that.
But it's not fact. It's poetry, it's moral code.
It's for interpretation to help us work out
God's plan for us.
What's God's plan for you?
I believe God meant for me to love people
in a... different way.
I believe I'm supposed to love people as a father.
We can arrange that.
(laughs) A father of many.
-I'll go up to three. -It's not gonna happen.
-Two, then. -Okay, two.
(chuckles softly)
(door closes upstairs)
Oh, shit, Pam. She's not happy.
(whispering): We should go outside.
-Do you think I should become a Catholic? -No, don't do that.
I like that you believe in a meaningless existence.
-(chuckles) -And you're good for me.
You make me question my faith.
-And? -I've never felt closer to God.
-(laughs) Fuck you. -(chuckles)
-(rustling in bushes) -What was that?
-It wasn't a fox, was it? -I don't know.
Was it a fox? Shine something. Boo! Baa!
-Oh, God, I bet it's a fox. -(laughs): Oh, God.
No, I'm not being funny; foxes have been after me for years.
It's like they have a pact or something.
-(laughing) -I'm not kidding. I was on a toilet,
a toilet of a train, and when the train stopped,
a fucking fox tried to get through the window.
Of a train! Its face was in the window.
And once, when I was at a monastery,
I woke up just feeling a bit weird,
like there might be a fox about, and fox was sitting
underneath my window, looking at me like this.
Pointing at me like, "You... we're watching you.
We're having you."
(both laugh)
Lucky God got there first.
-Well, yeah. -You could be a fox boy by now.
-And we all know what happened to them. -(laughs)
(panting)
-You okay? -I'm okay.
Do you think I'm mad?
Because of the fox thing or 'cause of the God thing?
(laughs) You're obsessed.
(clears throat)
Do you ever have doubts?
Yes, of course. Every day. It's part of the deal.
I just don't think I could do it.
Especially as a...
What?
-Celibacy and... -(bushes rustling)
Oh, it's a fucking fox!
Chill out about the fox.
Oh, sorry. I just don't know what they want from me.
(chuckles softly)
Sorry.
Celibacy. Go.
I just...
I couldn't give up sex forever.
It's just too...
too...
Celibacy is a lot less complicated
than romantic relationships.
What if you meet someone you like?
I talk and drink and laugh and give them Bibles,
and hope they eventually leave me alone.
What if you meet someone you love?
We're not gonna have sex.
(stifled chuckle)
I know that's what you think you want from me, but it's not.
It won't bring any good.
-Well, it might. -(chuckles): It won't.
I've been there many times... before I found this.
Many, many times.
How many times?
(laughs softly)
Many.
I'd really like to be your friend, though.
I'd like to be your friend, too.
We'll last a week.
What was that?
What?
Where'd you, where'd you just go?
What?
You just... went somewhere.
There. There.
-Where'd you just go? -(chuckles softly)
Nowhere.
Okay.
♪ ♪
(both scream)
♪ ♪