Diana, just imagine.
What if the thief turns out to be a family member?
No, no…
I'll only take the blame.
Stop it.
You're being so protective.
But let me tell you…
stealing is like…
debating on a TV channel.
Everyone is doing it nowadays.
Hello.
Hey!
How can you just walk in, you nincompoop?
Diana, he's my dad…
You can always come in, Sanju's papa!
Is she all dressed to shoot for an ad film?
Dad. She's my partner.
This is how I dress.
-Everyday? -Yes.
Hi, I'm Diana Cabinetmaker.
Ramesh M. Dholakia.
You see, there's another Ramesh Dholakia in our community.
He has herpes.
People confuse me for him.
But he's a lost cause, he's a divorcee.
Uncle, I'm a divorcee too.
Lovely.
I mean, it's the trend nowadays, divorce, live-in…
moving out of your family home.
Dad!
So much…
breakfast?
You couldn't eat because of this morning's chaos.
That's why I brought you food.
You have some as well.
-Yeah, sure. -Yeah…
This is his favorite…
simple and special…
mixed-flour parathas topped with--
Why don't you use a plate?
Uncle, the chutney is so good, kick ass--
Sorry.
No problem, I'm used to hearing cuss words.
I mean, no one cusses at me.
You're just like our maid.
I mean,
you don't look like her.
When it comes to looks, she's vegetarian.
-What? -But she cusses a lot.
That's where both of you are similar.
Initially, she'd use light cuss words…
like thailidevru, kuttipalai, etc.
Then my mother taught her Gujarati cuss words like…
"Son of a bitch--
Dad. Stop.
-I haven't said the cuss word yet. -Don't.
Here.
-Make sure you eat all this. -Yes.
Now that he is moving out, his food…
Dad.
Bye.
Tell me something.
Don't you feel hot…
in these clothes?
-Uncle actually… -No, she doesn't…
because of the air-conditioning.
-Bye. -I don't.
Bye.
Excuse me.
-Yes, sir? -Do you work in this office?
Yes, sir.
I'm Sanjay's dad.
-Okay. -Ramesh M. Dholakia, Always Chemists…
four branches.
Can I ask you a question?
Sure, sir.
-I'm sorry. -What?!
My dad, he's a bit of a character.
Of course.
He's your father!
But let me tell you one thing.
If the cops do go to your house,
be prepared for some drama!
Enough is enough, Mr. Dholakia.
I don't want any medicine to calm me down!
But you need it, sir.
Mr. Dholakia, I had told you that…
I want to meet and question
all the family members.
Then why did you let Sanjay go to office?
If I could, I wouldn't let Sanju go to his new apartment.
But no one listens to what I say.
Sanju bought his own apartment.
-We have four bedrooms in this apartment. -I'll show you.
-Sanju's room, it's the biggest-- -Ramesh…
Focus on the theft, son.
Why would we steal?
We're Gujaratis after all.
There speaks the nemesis of logic.
Dad, if I give you a list of all the Gujarati thieves…
you'll change your mother tongue.
And what'll he change it to?
Are there fewer thieves among Punjabis and Sindhis?
But she's right.
How is anyone's mother tongue relevant here?
Oh no, she's taken my side again.
What do I do now, Ranade?
Hello?
Excuse me.
Yes, sir. I'm coming for the rehearsal.
Ayushi, is the coast clear?
Yeah. It's done.
What?
Which "coast" is this, that's now clear?
I'll tell you soon, Diana.
Satisfied?
-Should we make carrots and peas? -Who is the real thief?
Okay.
Baa, we got very good French beans.
-Should I cut the pieces big or small? -Small pieces.
-Kanaki… -Yes.
you picked up the jewelry box last evening…
before leaving, hadn't you?
Ask her.
Question her.
See what's happening?
See…
I knew it.
What?
I knew it.
What time did I leave yesterday, madam?
Six o'clock.
Was the jewelry in the box at that time?
Yes it was. It's there in my selfie.
Baa, don't you remember?
But, she has the house keys.
-Baa! -She can--
Yes, I have the keys.
Not just the keys, I have other things as well.
Let me show them…
-See this. -Come on, Baa.
I knew Baa would suspect me
that's why I took a video last night.
Why did you accuse her?
Now we'll have to do the cooking and cleaning.
-Have a look. -I had accused Tisca as well…
-But she won't leave us and go. -See this.
Right. She doesn't do any housework either.
-What do we do now? -Look at this.
There was a wedding at Hotel Kancha last night.
My mother and I were dancing from 7:00 p. m. to 4:00 a. m.
after drinking fake Scotch Whiskey.
Check the time this video was taken.
I also drank fake champagne. It was delicious.
Wasn't it a dry day after midnight last night?
Yes, the cops were there to harass us, but the MLA
shooed them away and kicked their derrieres.
-Derriere? -Ass.
Ass in Hindi.
Right.
Here are your house keys.
I don't want to work here anymore.
-Kanaki… -No, Kanaki!
-Don't get offended. -Please, sorry.
You're so poor that's why…
-I was "innocently" suspicious. -Yes.
-Sorry. -Baa.
A person's way of thinking is what makes them poor.
-Correct. -Such wise words, my dear.
How could you suspect her?
-Sorry. -Wait…
Let me show you another video, sir.
-My daughter's birthday party… -Should I get the vaccum?
which we celebrated in a mall.
-Theme party? -Yes, Bollywood theme.
I even got lookalikes of famous actors.
-Would I steal? -Would she steal?
I work in five houses and earn 37 thousand rupees.
-Per month? -Plus bonus.
She would never steal!
Sir…
She wouldn't steal. Hold this…
-Hold this and this. -She'd never!
You think I'm the thief?
-Thirty-seven thousand! -Come on.
If she isn't the thief who is, Mendonca?
Oh my God!
The plot thickens.
Tell me one thing, what is the scene at home?
How much have the police found out?
Here you go.
Okay, Mr. Dholakia.
We'll contact Mr. Jatin Kumar.
-Yes. -But, Dad, he wasn't even there.
-So… -You never know.
Ranade, some homemade food for you.
-And chutney to go with it. -Yeah…
Mr. Mendonca, the Chinese food delivery guy
was here at that time…
-He was standing right here. -Yes.
-Yes. He stood right here. -Is it?
-Take down his description. -Yes.
Please hold this, Auntie.
-Describe him. -Yeah.
He was…
from a good family.
Fair, just like him.
He is so fair. Isn't he?
Looked like he lives in an apartment.
So you mean…
dark-skinned people aren't from good families?
They don't live in apartments?
Don't say, "I mean, generally…"
Wait.
I had posted the selfies on a website.
Let me check.
Baa, you've posted photos of the outfit that Tisca designed?
I did.
Oh God!
"Napoleon Mahapatra, if you have any guts, admit that you
have stolen this design.
-Thief!" -Yes…
Thief?
I had written "copycat" as well. Check.
-Yes, I see it. -Mom!
-Yes? -Grandma!
I know it's a mess.
-We'll have to erase this. -I am dead!
Mendonca, go and arrest this "Nylon whatshisname".
He has copied my granddaughter-in-law's design.
You mean, Chandni Chowk to Elco Market?
Correct.
-Yes. -Grandma, we have no proof.
So? Let him prove it.
-I have also posted on Twister. -I know.
-Who? -Ranade helped me.
God bless him.
Sorry, sir.
But, did you see this?
-Ramesh! -Yes?
Did you give Jatin's phone number to an Inspector Mendonca?
-Yes. -He called me thrice…
during an open-heart surgery.
I had to put away my cheeseburger to receive the call during the surgery.
Is Jatin supposed to cut the call or the artery?
You all are the limit!
Driver…
my mother's heirloom jewelry has been stolen.
And the police wants to question us.
Drive us to Elizabeth Nagar Police Station.
How would he know where it is?
-Show him a photo. -Okay.
See this.
This is the heirloom jewelry.
-Drive us to the police station. -Yes, ma'am.
Sir, it's trending on Twister.
It has received 687 comments, sir.
Sir, may I read them?
Napoleon is a playboy, he lures girls.
He steals virginity and designs as well.
Is it written in meter?
-No, sir. -Then?
I'll read it normally.
-Napole-- -Shut up.
Sorry, sir.
I'm going to sue that bitch for ten crore rupees.
-Sir, 20 crore rupees. -Yes, 20 crore rupees.
-Sir, 30 crore rupees. -Shut up.
Sure, sir.
Shit! Diet Mahapatra has even re-posted it.
This is going to blow into a controversy.
Snowball. Snowball into a controversy. Not "blow".
Whatever. I'm telling you, he has a meteoric temper.
Again wrong. Mercurial!
Mercurial temper, Ayushi.
It's his rise that'll be called meteoric.
Are you serious? Correcting my grammar now, Tisca!
-See, Grandpa. -What's wrong?
Anupriya teacher gave me zero marks on ten, on my spelling test.
-But why? -I copied three answers from Rushil.
You know Rushil isn't very smart,
you should've copied the answers from an intelligent kid.
-Dad… -Yes.
copying is the reason for a zero.
Aryan, copying is like stealing.
And stealing is bad, isn't it?
Get up!
Not you, Dad.
What has Grandma taught you, Aryan?
Repeat now.
-Say it, child. -Relax.
Breaking a queue is wrong.
Traveling without a ticket is stealing.
-What? -Darling…
I found it hilarious,
that's why I shared it with you.
Now don't make an issue out of it, Sanjay.
No, I will make an issue out of it, Diana, because
you're supposed to say, "don't make an issue out of it, Sanjuoy!"
Juoy!
Bye.
Dad…
-Dad! -Yes?
Just a minute.
Did you ask Sylvester…
if Diana…
ever wears regular clothes
or if she's always wearing fancy-dress costumes?
-Did you? -Yeah.
-Dad. -Really?
I mean, she was wearing a leather dress and leather boots…
Dad, Diana can wear whatever she wants.
Even if she goes around topless, what is your problem?
Don't say "topless".
She wears such tight clothes.
So what?
You're a handsome guy, Sanju…
you're always in her office and she's always…
And soon, we won't be around you either
plus, she's a divorcee.
-So? -Dad!
-Yes? -Are you serious?
Yeah.
Did you just say, "plus, she's a divorcee"?
-Yes… -How dare you!
-Tisca, let's go. -Sanju.
I'm moving into my new apartment today itself!
-Listen… -Today is the 26th, isn't it?
The date adds up to eight.
Your unlucky number.
I'll move tomorrow then.
Tomorrow is new moon day.
Fine, day after then!
Day after, Pallavi will cook ras puri and her special dish…
Ras puri?
Then we'll move out the day after that.
But we're moving out for sure!
No. Sanju, please…
I'm sorry. Come…
Actually…
she was wearing…
such tight clothes.
Again?
Why do you judge anyone by their clothes?
See…
Suresh's friend Kevin wears tiny briefs to work…
Yes.
He's a swimming coach, Grandma.
Drink your champagne.
-Dad, how can you-- -Okay.
I'm sorry.
I promise…
I won't pay any attention to Diana's clothes.
I'll pay attention to what is behind her clothes.
I prom--
What?
Behind Diana's clothes is…
her personality, that's what I meant.
-You always misinterpret everything I say. -It's okay.
-Pallavi. -She's gone for a bath…
follow her into the bathroom.
Baa!
Go, Dad. Go.
This is not fair.
Anything I say is always…
Mendonca?
Ramesh M. Dholakia here, Always Chemists.
Really?
Okay.
All of you…
twist everything I say.
Dad, what did Mendonca say?
He…
he was busy sneezing most of the time.
He hasn't been doing "anulom vilom".
Dad, what did he say after he stopped sneezing?
-Yeah… -Hello?
Bye.
-Was that it? -You're too much, Grandma.
No. He said something else.
-What? -What?
He said…
Yes, he said, they've arrested the thief.
I don't care who the thief is.
Did they find my jewelry?
My stupid mother-in-law gave me only three things.
-Right. -Who is the thief?
Ramesh M. Dholakia, he is the thief.
Namaste.
Nihal Mehta.
"Fair, belongs to a good family…
lives in an apartment".
This is yours, Hemu Auntie.
He went to Chandigarh to sell the jewelry, got arrested.
Which Chandigarh?
In Punjab or Haryana?
Ramesh…
They're one and the same.
Yes, but distance…
All my hard work went to waste, Auntie.
-Why? -They're all fake.
-What? -Totally fake.
Hear that?
He might be a thief but your mother was a big fraud!
Gomtiben Sobhraj…
irritating bloody woman!
This woman cusses so much.
Who said any cuss words?
What haven't we given you?
A new laptop, a cricket kit…
and sport-shoes.
So you'll resort to stealing?
I also have a job on the side, Auntie.
But I don't steal important stuff, Auntie.
I only steal jewelry.
Baa, he's a sensitive thief.
Even then, I don't steal "mangalsutras"…
as they are of sentimental value for ladies, ma'am.
Why ask her?
She doesn't wear a "mangalsutra".
She has kept it locked away.
But I didn't add sleeping pills to the Chinese food you'd ordered.
Do you add sleeping pills to the food when you're delivering it?
Which one?
-Sometimes I add Darlamine Chlora tablets -Okay.
in the soya sauce or ketchup…
but a small dose.
A large dose can kill a person.
-Don't lie! -I'm telling you the truth.
Darlamine Chloride won't kill anyone.
Doesn't matter what amount you use.
Chloral Hydrate Plus is what can kill a person.
I am a chemist.
-I see. -Uncle, what about Neuro Hydro Dilate?
Lovely.
That's the best one.
It's cheap and sweet as well.
But it can cause liver damage.
You should take it once a day after a meal.
-As an alternative it is-- -Uncle.
What?
I mean…
generally…
Your son is really--
I've said this earlier, my offer is open
and so is the lockup.
-No… -Put him in the lockup!
-I'm so ashamed of you. -Sir, please…
Sir, please.
Your son needs psychological counseling.
Counseling? He deserves--
He needs help.
So does Ramesh.
Inspector…
he isn't a professional thief.
If we lodge an official complaint,
he'll be sent to a juvenile remand home.
His life will get ruined, sir.
Please don't arrest him.
Let's go, Sanjuoy.
Tisca, are you okay?
-You called me Sanjuoy! -What's wrong?!
I mean, it's great, but what happened?
-What's wrong? -I'm sorry.
-What's wrong, Tisca? -Tisca!
-Let's go, Ramesh.
-Tisca! -Wait a minute…
-Thank you so much. -Please don't apologize.
Everyone makes mistakes.
My son was stolen by this woman.
See this photo.
A valley between two mountains!
Two mountains!
Even my mother-in-law didn't have such--
Look at what she's wearing.
Bye.
Ayushi, don't go to the coffee shop tomorrow without me.
Fine, Grandma!
Why is she upset?
-Why is she crying? -Don't worry.
-Grandma… -Yes?
-Grandma… -Did her Mom die?
-No. -Or is it her Dad?
-No. -Then who died?
Just because she's crying doesn't mean someone died, Danger-Lata.
-Yes… -Shut up!
Oh no, she's coming towards me.
-I hope she doesn't hit me. -Oh please!
Grandma…
Come with me.
Grandma…
-I'm a thief. -What?
A thief.
That red and gold outfit…
Yeah?
Napoleon Mahapatra didn't copy the design from me,
I copied it from him.
My little thief.
Grandma, Latika's engagement day was so close…
and I couldn't come up with anything.
Never mind that.
It's enough that you've accepted your mistake.
Let's keep this between us.
Okay?
What about Aryan, Mom, Dad and Grandpa?
-I will have to tell them. -Yes.
Can I tell Sheela as well?
Please?
I've already dialed her number…
Let's not waste money.
I won't go into the details.
Hello, Sheela?
Hello, who is this? So who is the thief, Hemu?
Just do it, Tisca
-Call Napoleon and say sorry. -Sorry, sir…
Yeah, I think we're just pulling this matter.
-Stretching the matter. -Whatever!
It's regular practice in the fashion industry.
Hello…
the fashion industry also has a lot of drugs, affairs,
casting-couch and orgies going on.
Sanju!
He just…
-Yes? -said "organic"!
Thank you.
Sanju!
If he'd asked me what an "orgy" is…
what would I reply?
That "orgy" is a mobile network?
4G, 5G, orgy!
-I'll go there… -This is a public place.
-There's no network here. -Wait!
Wait, Tisca.
Tisca, if he wants you to go and apologize to him personally,
then we're all coming to Delhi with you.
Absolutely. I read in an online article,
this Napoleon is a platinum-grade certified lech.
He was feeding ice cream to his mother-in-law.
-So? -So?
I mean, she was sitting on his lap…
in a swimming costume!
Wow.
His mother-in-law was wearing a swimming costume?
No. Napoleon was.
The mother-in-law was in her birthday suit and…
I have to take this.
-…two ice creams. -Sorry, Dad…
Two ice creams?
I'm sure the child had a sore throat after that.
-Child? -Was the child given acetaminophen?
One ml--
Dad, he sneezed again for the second time.
You see?
Excuse me, you've been sneezing.
-With an inhaler… -It's ringing.
and power "anulom-vilom".
-Hello? -Hello, Mr. Mahapatra?
This is Tisca Singh Dholakia.
Just talk to my lawyer, Ms. Whoever.
I hope you're aware, I'm going to sue you for defamation.
Yes sir, you have every right.
I've apologized to you on every social media platform…
and I've also emailed a confession letter to you.
Please release it to the media, sir.
Social media?
You are pretty, young lady.
-Your email id? -Tisca. sanjay@cmail. com
It should be 'Sanjuoy'--
-Shut up. -Quiet!
Young lady, you've tarnished my reputation.
You'll have to pay for this.
In kind.
Excuse me?
Listen to me very carefully.
You're joking, right?
I never joke.
The ball is in your court now.
Tisca, what did Napoleon say?