Congratulations on your first Navratri, my dear.
I will bless you now.
Pallavi.
-Yes? -Look at her eyes.
Show eyes!
Yes.
Doe-eyed, isn't she?
She's much prettier than you, Pallavi.
Hey, Jacky.
Come, look at this!
-Doe-eyed and all! -I know…
I mean, until yesterday it was…
"That irritating Kwamboka!
How will I face my relatives?"
Now, she can't wait to show her off to everyone!
-Come on, Ayushi… -Come here…
Look at her.
Look at the way she has draped her sari.
Isn't it nice?
She drapes her sari way better than Pallavi does!
Mummy, I taught her.
-Yes, he did. -My sweet child!
Well done!
Even though he lives in USA,
he hasn't forgotten his roots.
On one hand is Ramesh…
and on the other, my son Suresh.
-They are holes apart! -Grandma…
Grandma, "poles apart".
-I got it. -Poles!
-I got it. -Yes, he got it.
Come, Jacky.
-Sit everyone. -Sit.
You see, Suresh…
he has always been mischievous…
and daring.
And my Ramesh has always been studious,
-a homebody, quiet guy. -Nice!
What I mean is, Suresh is a dashing hero
and Ramesh is an ordinary guy.
Baa!
Ramu--
Guys, "show them the photo" couple is here.
-Wait and see! -"Show them the photo?"
Here they are.
-Happy World Arthritis Day. -Happy World Arthritis Day.
-Suresh… -Suresh!
Hey, naughty boy. I'm young.
Of course.
-Hi! -Looking good in a suit!
You're here early from the hospital--
Well, actually Jatin's patient
was scheduled for a bypass surgery…
but he only passed away!
So here we are!
Hey, Kwamboka…
we've got a special cake for you.
-Yeah. -Nice!
-Careful. -Dad!
-Surprise! -Open it.
A cake with Kwamboka's photo on it.
-Wow! -Beautiful.
Look at her!
This cake is made of Jersey cow-milk cream.
Yes.
These cows are fed corn not grass.
They must then give popcorn not cow dung!
One minute.
-Please sit. -Yeah!
Kwamboka…
next week,
we're hosting my colleague Dr. Joshi's daughter's second wedding
musical night at our Alibaug farmhouse.
Okay.
You have to come.
The theme is, Kathiawadi Cocktail.
Kathiawadi?
-Pallavi, the red and white sari… -Yes?
-Which one, Baa? -the one I gifted you on your anniversary.
-Yes. -Get it tailored into…
a "ghagra-choli" for her.
And my mother's antique jewelry…
give it to her.
It'll look good on her.
Go, get it.
-No. -It'll look good on you.
Ramesh, go along, help her open the locker.
No, Baa.
Pallavi, don't bring it.
When the goddess of wealth gives her blessing,
don't refuse it.
Well, in that case…
your dish is my command.
Wow!
-Wish not dish. -Wish…
Tell her it's "wish" not "dish".
Suresh, put a "tika" on her forehead, a light-colored one…
to protect her from the evil eye.
-I agree. -Thank you!
-She's my number one daughter-in-law! -Baa…
Number one!
Just look at them, Ramesh.
Wow, look at my Suresh!
He's dancing like Maestro Pandit Birju Maharaj.
Learn something from him.
He dances way better than you do.
-Ramu Kaka, come. -You--
-Come on! -What's Ramu Kaka…
What a fabulous dancer you are!
Our very own Madhuri Dholakia.
-Pallavi, have you seen her hips? -Yes.
-Baa! -True-blue Gujarati hips like Bhanumati!
-"Dheka"? -Hips!
Come on, let's dance.
Wow!
-Pallavi! -Yes?
-Did you teach her the dance moves? -Yes, Baa.
The student has surpassed the teacher!
She is "number one". Look at her.
Oh my God!
Kwamboka Padukone.
You are the best daughter-in-law.
Pallavi, let's…
She's "multi-purpose"!
Wow!
Such beautiful moves.
Let's go, Ramesh.
Ayushi, please give her a token of 5,001 rupees.
-You give it, Fire-Lata. -Where are you going?
Pallavi, he is--
He is going to get his own drink.
Okay.
Hope everything is alright.
Pallavi, it was neat!
No!
-It's Kwamboka's henna that's neat! -Go easy, Mom.
Her "bindi" is neat!
Take a look at her. "Ms. Number One"
Finally!
Finally you're feeling insecure, Mom.
"I'm not jealous of anyone.
-My family is perfect. " -I am not insecure at all.
Because indeed Kwamboka is amazing.
But, Baa?
You remember how rude and racist her comments were?
Exactly!
She called me "Ramu Kaka", twice!
And about my singing, she said
"My Suresh sings like a nightingale
and Ramesh is tone deaf--
Ramesh!
For once, give someone else a chance to be upset and complain in peace, please.
-Okay, carry on. I'll complain later. -Ramu Kaka…
You stop laughing.
Stop laughing now!
I mean…
I have no problem if she's all praise for Kwamboka.
It's okay, I'm fine.
She's worth it.
But…
no one can replace Pallavi.
Okay?
Yes…
So maybe yes, I'm feeling a little insecure.
Mom…
-Should I get you another whiskey? -Yes.
No, Papa.
-I'm drinking vodka. Repeat that. -Okay.
-A small large. -Okay.
Large!
-Thank you. -Pallavi…
You see…
Kwamboka doesn't drink alcohol.
So?
So, at least let me beat her in this one thing!
-Wow! -What say?
Yeah.
Falu.
-Ayushi… -Ayushi, here they come.
Looks like they're ready to flex.
Have you eaten yet?
Still drinking?
Pal--
I said, still drinking?
Ramesh and Jatin are always joking.
Papa, Mummy passed out with the aroma of the food.
-Really? -Yes.
Let her stay passed out!
Pallavi, everyone is enjoying their dinner.
Authentic Kathiawadi food by chef Ling Yeung Ching.
Chinese-Kathiawadi?
Every person is overeating.
A couple of them even have diarrhea and vomiting!
-Isn't it? -Yes.
Show them the photo.
-Yes. -No.
We don't want to see those photos.
I'll forward them to you.
Hello, Tisca. Happy Dussehra.
Hello, Happy Dussehra.
Happy Dussehra, Mom.
Hi, Dad. Happy Dussehra.
Why is your hand bandaged?
Nothing. Napoleon has a dog.
So out of excitement, she bit me.
Lovely.
I mean, I'll send you Ashwinijeevan lotion.
It works on everything.
Dog bite, snake bit, shoe bite, itching, burns,
piles, dandruff…
you just need a little--
-Hello? -Dad!
Snake bite? Shoe bite?
Hello…
Dandruff and piles as well?
I mean, generally…
-How? -It's all-purpose.
Drill this into that "multi-purpose" Kwamboka's head…
and get rid of her American stubbornness.
Apply some lotion on her tongue!
What happened, Baa?
-Come on, Papa. -Look at his words.
The lotion is only for external use.
You see, it has 15% clotrimazole--
-So-- -Ramesh.
We don't want to know the formula.
-Later on then. -Yes, later.
What happened?
She…
Come with me.
She fought with me, Pallavi.
-I just said, we'll change her name… -Okay.
-from Kwamboka to Kaushiki… -Okay.
-And we'll do a purification ceremony too. -Baa.
What's wrong with Kwamboka's name, Baa?
-Yes! -Yes, Mom. It's a beautiful name.
It has a lovely meaning too. One who is born while crossing a river.
Why was she born?
-Let her go drown in that stupid river! -Baa!
After marriage, a woman should follow her husband's traditions
haven't her parents taught her this?
One more nasty comment about my mom and dad…
and I'll forget that that you're Suresh's mother!
-Please. -Mine too.
-Yes! -Calm down.
What is your problem?
What did she say?
When Suresh and me…
we two are fine!
-Hey-- -She won't hit me, right?
-She's not violent. -Okay.
Just like K has accepted all of you, for what you are…
you should also accept her, for what she is.
-A priest?! -Because…
a clap…
-It'll be okay… -whatchamacallit…
-You can't clap with two hands. -Yeah, right.
-Of course you can! -Of course.
Where's she taking her?
Pallavi, be careful.
Pallavi, 30 years with that woman?!
-There's no one better than you, -What did she say?
-when it comes to patience! -What?!
What did she give her? Hope she hasn't taken anything.
Baa!
Kwamboka, Suresh…
What did she say?
Go and stop them.
Suresh!
I'm done!
What's wrong, Dad? Is everything okay?
We have a big problem.
What happened?
Tisca got bitten by Napoleon's dog.
What does that have to do with Suresh Uncle and Kwamboka leaving?
Right, you guys…
-Dad? -Hey!
Suresh…
Hey!
That's my mother's jewelry.
They belong to you, Pallavi.
It was my mistake to ask you to give them to her.
You're my number one, Pallavi!
Not her!
-God bless you, my child. -When did this happen?!
-She did black magic on me. -How did this happen?
"You're my number one, Pallavi!
You're my number one daughter-in-law.
Such beautiful skin you have.
Such fair, delicate skin you have…"
saying this, madam Hem-Lota did a 180 degree turn!
I can't believe it's been over three months already!
I know.
So do you think you'll be able to come home for Diwali?
Tisca, are you okay? Hello?
Actually…
I'll be back for good.
Because Napoleon is shifting his headquarters to Mumbai, Sanjay.
Really?
Wow!
Did you say permanent?
That's great.
What's wrong?
Aren't you happy?
I am. I even said "wow".
Not "wow"…
you didn't say "too good, too good!"
Actually…
You didn't even correct me and say "Sanjuoy"!
Is everything okay, Sanju?
Yeah.
Actually, I was taken by surprise.
I was shooting till three last night.
I'm just tired.
Dad? You--
Sanjay?
Speaker.
Yes, my dear.
Diana, I think…
Dad knows about the affair.
I think he read all our messages.
It's good, Sanju.
Now please go and tell him.
Isn't it high time?
Good.
So, moping again?
Who is the cause for this?
Tell me.
I read Tisca's and Sanjuoy's messages, Papa.
Tisca is going to return soon.
Napoleon will shift his office to Mumbai permanently.
I know that.
You do?
So he hid this from me…
and told you about it?
Let Sanju come.
Grandpa.
Dad.
I have a big confession to make.
Actually, I…
I mean--
I know.
Tisca is moving back home for good, isn't it?
-What?! -I spoke to her.
She sent you a message now, hasn't she?
"Have you told them, darling?"
And "darling" just told him!
Yes!
Exactly.
I was about to confess…
Grandpa!
Aryan is calling me.
Can't even hear the child calling out
and he wants to move out!
-Goodnight. -Wait.
Come here.
Yes?
Tisca is returning to Mumbai…
how is that a confession?
Right.
Sanjay.
Be right there.
I'll go…
Grandpa Ramesh, Mummy is home!
Mom?
Grandma?
House of the Crazy! Where is everyone?
We're here.
-Welcome back. -The kitchen, where you never set foot.
Okay, now that you're here…
help her with the housework.
Let her come in at least.
Fine, continue.
Tisca, welcome home for good!
-Thank you. -God bless.
It is doomsday indeed.
I've even made sweets for you.
But I won't eat.
It's Karva-chauth today, Grandma.
I can't eat anything until I see the moon.
What?
No champagne till we see the moon?
-Sorry. -No!
If the moon doesn't rise, then?
Ready, Baa?
Are you ready?
Yes.
Record it on slo-mo, Kanaki.
Okay. Wait and watch Kanakavalli's direction.
Kanakavalli Rajamouli!
"Rajamouli?!"
Action!
Wow, Grandma. You're looking like Deepika Padukone.
Exactly.
I'd told you to get your camera repaired, Kanakavalli.
Silly girl.
Grandma, Gujarati swag on a Punjabi festival!
Very funny.
Why don't you go and heat the food?
Wow!
Baa is too much!
Got it. I must try my hand at directing!
-Sit, everyone… -Ayushi…
You'll get a chance to observe this festival next year too.
Ramu Kaka, you have very high hopes.
-Come on… -She will--
-Please check if the moon is visible. -Yes, please do.
You go and open the champagne bottle.
-Can you see it? -Yes, I can see the moon.
-It's as white as a paracetamol tablet. -Is it?
-Dad… -Yes?
-what exactly are you looking at? -There…
Hope it's not our neighbor Neelu Auntie's petticoat!
-Neelu doesn't wear a petticoat. -Wait, what?!
-What? -What!
-How do you know? -What?!
She wears "salwar-kameez" …
-and also a… -Yeah, right.
Did you see, Ramesh pays so much attention to Neelu!
-Right, Papa? -No, I…
Of course, men will be men!
I'm not a man.
What? Since when?
I am a man…
but I'm not a "men will be men" kind of a man.
-I'm a Gujarati. Vegetarian man! -What is he saying?
You know I didn't mean that--
Dad, she's just teasing you.
-Don't you get it? -Yes!
Yeah, Mr. Prudish Dholakia!
I know. I'm just…
-But, I stand by my statement… -What?
All men are the same.
W-I-N-E.
Wine?
Wife Is Never Enough.
Come on, D.
He won't call.
It's time to break the fast.
I told you, he'll go back to his wife.
Don't you think the world will be a better place without men?
I don't think.
What about you?
Come, let's eat.
Wow!
-Your favorite, biryani! -Biryani! Yum!
So you had a crush on the nanny, Dad?
Don't talk nonsense.
Except Pallavi, I don't even look at other women!
-Pallavi-- -Yes. She did say, you're an exception.
-Yes, but-- -Ramesh.
But that's gross exaggeration.
And, Ayushi, what do you think?
Are the rest of the men compulsorily unfaithful?
-Yeah! -What?!
I am saying…
-Unfaithful! -Look, Papa…
-Your dear Papa as well… -Thanks…
What?
Don't you remember Mrs. Malvankar?
-What?! -Grandpa!
Let me tell you.
She was a tenant in our old house…
-Let me show you how she'd act around him. -I wanna see too…
That slut used to stay in the apartment before redevelopment.
Mansukh…
Grandma!
Oh my God!
Mansukh…
I've made chikki.
It's freshly made. Try some.
Your Papa would say…
"Of course, I love chikki"
and follow her around.
Hey! You're exaggerating.
That poor Sulu--
Sulu, is it?
Don't you dare call that prostitute a "poor thing" in front of me!
Do you know what happened once?
-Stand up, Pallavi. -Okay.
Once on Holi, he kept on saying "Happy Holi, Hemu"
while smearing color on Sulakshana's face.
-I mistook her for Hemlata… -What, Papa?
because there was a lot of color on her face.
-Yeah? -Is it?
And your brain was clearly rusted.
Because I wasn't even there.
I had gone to my parents' house in Junagadh,
as I was expecting Ramesh.
Grandpa!
What do you have to say?
He's caught!
See.
Grandpa is also the same.
And you want me to keep a fast for my husband!
Listen to me, guys.
I don't want a husband.
I'm not interested in marrying any man, okay?
-But-- -Look!
So will you marry a woman?
-Grandma! -Are you a "thespian", Ayushi?
Hemlata…
The actor Mr. Dilip Kumar was a thespian.
He was a thespian? Really? How?
Baa, the word you're trying to come up with is "lesbian".
-Yes. -Yes.
-Ayushi, with a lady? -Hey!
Dad, chill!
I'm not gay. I like men.
-Okay? -Me too.
What?
Gujarati Brokeback Mountain…
I mean, I'd like to find a suitable man for you.
You always misinterpret--
Okay. Good night, everybody…
-Hey… -I don't want to get married,
go ahead and find a man for yourself!
-What do you mean? -No, Dad.
And men? I'm a married man--
I don't mind.
Ramesh, you can give it a go…
Pallavi, in a lesbian marriage who lifts the veil?
Sanju, you are yet to tell us.
Do you also qualify as W-I-N-E?
Yes.
Wife Is Naturally Enough.
I can vouch for that.
My husband is a one-woman man, Grandpa.
Okay…
Correct, Sanjuoy?
Hey… Wow, you've tattooed "Sanjuoy"!
Too good.