♪ ♪
[Dolores] I really didn't want to have to do that.
Fuck.
"Fuck" to which thing?
There are so many things that call for a "fuck."
I never... you know, seen that.
Just fucking help me, help me get him out of here.
- Come on. - But I already cleaned up downstairs.
Are you... You want to leave him in the fucking freezer?
How'd that work out for you last time?
- I put a lock on it. - Oh...
you put a lock on it.
You put a fucking lock on it.
You left the sticker on it, you fucking genius.
- [stammers] - You're supposed to
take the sticker off.
- It comes like that, okay? - No, it doesn't.
- I... I didn't put it there. - Of course it does, you idiot.
You-you distracted me.
Oh, really? I distracted you?
I'm not the one thinking about eating pussy.
I love you, D. I love you. I'm eating your pussy.
- Nobody else's pussy, I mean it. - [sighs]
You know what? Shut the fuck up, man. Help me with this shit.
You know, I was trying to be romantic, okay?
- But whatever, man. - Jesus H. Christ. Please just help me get him
- the fuck out of here. - Yeah. I got it, I got it.
Oh, my God.
- [sighs] - Okay.
Watch your back, watch your back, watch your back,
watch your back, watch your back.
- [Nellie] Hello? - Shit. - Oh.
Shit, shit, shit. Get back.
Get back. Back up. [indistinct mumbling]
- [body thuds] - Oh, come on,
- don't kick him. - Put his leg up.
[Nellie] Y'all turning up in there, or what?
Hi.
- Hi. - Hello.
Where's Jonah?
- What? Yeah. - You just missed him.
[Luis] You just missed him. Yeah.
I... thought he was coming down to work.
- He doesn't work here. - No.
[Nellie] Well, he kind of does now.
He probably went to his office.
Oh, but he said "down,"
like downstairs.
I mean, his office is up north...
I don't know, he just, he left,
wasn't trying to stick around.
Okay...
[Luis] Oh, uh, would you...
would you like some?
Uh, D doesn't want any.
- She's not hungry. - Yeah, I-I'm full.
- I'm good. Are we gonna open up? - [Luis] Yeah, we are.
- Just, uh, I'll be out in a sec. - Okay.
You're gonna open up the shop?
Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna leave him in here for a little bit
- until I... figure out... - What?
- Yeah. - [cell phone chimes]
Is that Jonah's phone?
- [cell phone chimes] - I don't know. Is it?
That's weird.
Yeah, it is fucking weird, huh?
No, it's not weird, man. I leave my phone places all the time.
But you don't have a phone.
D... Now you know why I don't have a phone. [chuckles]
- He-he-he did stop by and say hi... to us... - Yeah.
- ...before he left. - [Dolores] Yeah.
- [Luis] To go out. To us. - [Dolores] He did.
To... For work.
- He'll probably come back for it. - Yeah, for sure.
Yeah. Okay...
Hey, how's Sophia?
[gasps] She's good. I just talked to her this morning.
She sounds really good.
I'm gonna go see her during lunch.
That's really great, Nellie.
[Nellie] Yeah. I know.
Okay. Time to open up.
[sighs]
[Dolores] Jonah was a good kid. He didn't deserve that.
Neither does Nellie. And now we got another body,
and we can't stay here, buy-out or not.
Luis?
♪ ♪
Oh, I called Jonah's office,
they said he still wasn't there yet.
Girl, it's been, like, five seconds, really, though.
He stayed over last night.
[laughs]
[Dolores] I'm a horrible, horrible person.
He probably forgot his phone
'cause he ain't never had it like that.
Clearly, he wasn't thinking.
- He probably wasn't thinking, that's probably... - [laughs]
[Dolores] Uh...
Who's Luis talking to?
I don't know, some pig.
Gosh, I'm just really surprised anybody could think that.
[Dolores] Yeah, we're gonna have to go.
I mean, Empanada Loca's a family-owned business.
We've been the foundation of this community
for over 30 years.
Actually, yeah, we're all that's left.
I stand behind everything that goes on behind those doors.
Yeah?
So, then, how come I haven't seen Marcie since she went down
to see her?
Oh.
[scoffs] I don't know what Marcie coming by
for a massage has to do with you
thinking we're selling marijuana.
Okay, she came down here to check out the competition,
then she disappeared.
[Luis] Competition? Marcie's still dealing?
Shit, I thought she outgrew that in her 30s.
Okay, time to cut the shit, bro, or the next call I make
is gonna be to my buddies in the DEA.
Now, you paying her off or what?
Am I paying her off? [scoffs]
Papa, I'm not paying anybody off.
Well, maybe you're gonna have to.
Oh... I got you.
I got you, bro. Yeah. This is a shakedown, right?
You're not getting Marcie's payoff,
so you're coming here for mine.
Well, go ahead, bring all your DEA buddies down here,
they can search the whole place.
- We'll give them some empanadas... - Luis.
...and some massages while they're here.
- Luis, come on. - They will never be the same.
You know, come to think of it, maybe, uh, maybe
you would like a nice massage, huh?
You seem a little tense, bro, no offense.
No, thank you.
Suit yourself.
- Something's not right here. - Yeah?
Don't know what that is.
You just gonna stand out here?
All right, man. Do your thing.
Yeah, go ahead. Go.
- [laughs] You check that guy? - [Dolores] Come on, Luis.
Come on, stop.
[Dolores] Not today, Jeremiah.
Come on. Let's go downstairs.
- Nellie, we'll be right back, all right? - [Nellie] Okay...
[overlapping arguing]
- Get the fuck downstairs, all right? - Ah...!
[Dolores] Shut up.
We got to go. We got to go. Come on.
- Wait, what? - We got to, we got to pack
- immediately. Let's go, let's go. - Wait, why?
Why? That's your question?
Because of the dead landlord's dead son in the freezer
and because of the dirty cop
that's outside trying to shake you down?
Read the room, man, we got to, we got to go.
[Luis] Well, he's just talking shit.
He's not gonna do anything yet.
Wh-What? So, what are you, what are you gonna do?
You're gonna wait until you get another offer on the business?
And then you're gonna keep making
fucking Muy Loco empanadas?
I mean, look, we're hiding in plain sight.
No more people empanadas. Did...
We do have money, we do. We have your 15K, and then we have
the money that I have.
That's not enough to buy a house in Colorado.
- Mami, that's only 15K. - Luis!
I'm not trying to buy a house in Colorado.
I'm trying not to spend my fucking life in prison.
- But where would we even go now? - I don't fucking know, man.
We could just go... the subway tunnel,
- I don't know, we'll figure it out. - You want to live like that?
No, I don't. I don't want to live like that,
but this shit is not sustainable.
This is not... Look, look, we were already gonna go
anyway, right? We... [stammers]
It's just the money, that's the only thing
that's changed, we don't have the money.
- We were still gonna go. - Look.
Everything's changed.
I mean,
I-I know you had to do Jonah like that,
but, you know, I'm not mad,
but... we were gonna leave
'cause he was gonna go ahead and take Empanada Loca.
- "Was." - If we leave now, if we leave now,
- that's it. - "Was" was the thing.
It's all gonna be wiped out, okay?
Everything I've had, my whole legacy,
everything that I have. I was born here.
I was literally born right here on this fucking floor.
We-we have a great time here, okay?
You have fun, right?
Mm, it's like the perfect kind of...
Oh, shit.
Oh, you tried this shit?
This strain's called Trainwreck, it is... [exhales]
- Wow. [deep inhale] - [Dolores] Luis.
This is a trainwreck.
All of this is a fucking trainwreck.
I don't give... I'm fucking leaving.
You do whatever the fuck you want to do.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay?
Please, please, wait. Okay.
You win. You win.
Okay? But listen,
if we were to leave right this second,
that's gonna look suspicious, okay?
We got to, we got to divert some attention, okay?
'Cause we got to buy ourselves some time first.
How are we gonna do that?
[Luis inhales] I got an idea.
I got an idea. I swear to you, I got an idea.
Just-just got to give me some more time, okay?
Give me some more time.
- Some more time, okay? - We got to leave today, Luis.
- Okay... [stammers] - Today is the day
that we got to l-leave.
- What are you doing? - [muttering indistinctly]
- Where are you going? - I'm gonna,
I'm gonna take care of it.
- I got it. I got it. - What are you doing?
I'm gonna give you an hour, tops, Luis.
- That's it. - Trust me, mami.
Trust me, all right?
[Dolores] Oh, yeah, I trust him.
I trust him to fuck shit up even more.
But I still need him
'cause he's the only one
who would never throw me under the bus.
Human beings are full of shit,
but this table has never let me down.
[footsteps approaching]
You took care of it that quick, huh?
- Joy. - Took care of what?
Uh, no, um, y-you know what?
It's, um, now's really... it's really not a good...
Not a good time. It's never a good time with you,
- is it, Dolores? - Joy, please.
It's just that I pulled my neck again.
I think it's stress.
Oh, my God, really? I-I... Am I on mute?
- I really... - No chiropractor's as good
as you, not that I can afford a chiropractor.
No, I can't... I can't deal with this right now.
The... My table is not even up.
- You-you have to go. - Why, what's going on?
What's going on is you have to go, okay?
No, no, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You're being incredibly rude.
I'm your friend.
I tried to get you a job
when you showed up from prison with nothing,
which completely destroyed my relationship with my sister,
and we haven't spoken in weeks because of you.
And still, I got you so many clients,
so many people, they were waiting for their laundry.
"Hey, you got 30 minutes?
You got to go next door and see Magic Hands."
And you're good,
but you're not the Second Coming, okay?
They all just went to see you because I sent them,
because I tell the truth,
and people like me,
and I have good taste,
and-and you-you-you just treat me like I'm some sort of a...
You know what?
I should charge you commission.
You don't want to help me
when I come to you in pain, then ten percent.
Fine, turn around. Turn around right now. You got 30 seconds.
- Okay. Right, right. - You got 30 seconds.
- Where is it? - Right here. Right here. So tight.
- Okay. - [moaning] Yes. Exactly...
Just be quiet, please, Joy. Just...
- Oh. I'm sorry I snapped at you. - No, it's fine, it's fine.
It's fine. Shh.
Please, I just want you to be fucking quiet, all right?
[Joy] Real friends got to tell you the hard truth.
- Joy, you really need to shut the fuck up. - The hard truth, Dolores,
is that you can be so mean,
- so very mean. - Mean? I'm mean?
- I think you should start... - [bones snap]
[body thuds]
[deep inhale]
[exhales]
[Dolores] I liked Joy,
but she was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
We got to go.
Fuck. We got to go. We got to go.
- Luis? Luis? - [Caleb] And she said she'd come
- right back to the hotel? - [usher] And she said
she was gonna bring us back some empanadas!
- [Nellie] And you haven't heard from her since? - [usher] No.
[usher 2] She didn't even call in sick. This is a woman
that's never missed a matinee
since She Loves Me in 1993,
and that was only because
she got shoved onto the subway tracks.
[usher] Ruthie survived the third rail,
and even then, she called!
- Hmm. That's odd. - Okay, so here's what's really weird...
Hey, Nellie, can I talk to you for a second?
- Um... - Hi. How you doing? I just... We're...
- Uh... - I just need her for...
- One second. - Just a few seconds, guys.
- Just a little bit. - I'll be right back.
I just have a-a question that I wanted to ask.
Um... what's going on?
[Nellie] Okay, so, listen to this.
Jonah hasn't shown up at his office yet.
Oh, my God, girl. Hasn't even been an hour yet.
You really just got to relax.
I know, but first, his father disappeared,
and then this woman.
Well, his father didn't really disappear, though,
'cause his father texted him, though, right?
Only once. Not since then.
And the woman who was looking for them, she disappeared.
- At least, that's what they're saying out there. - What?
What do they say? Why are you listening to those people?
Oh, my God. Do you think it's the Mob?
- What? - Does the Mob still exist?
Yes, the Mob still exists. It's not the Mob, Nellie.
No, it's just... [sighs]
I don't know what it is. I don... I don't know what it is.
I don't, but everything is fine, okay?
Everything is fine.
I don't think it's fine!
It may not be fine!
Sometimes things are not fine.
When my mom went to prison, that was not fine.
And when she went to prison before that, that was not fine.
And I just want to know if something's not fine,
- before something hap... Uh... - Okay.
I don't want anything to happen to you or Luis.
Can we just go back to work?
Please? Please?
I swear everything is gonna be okay, I-I promise.
- [mutters] - It's gonna be fine, okay?
- I mean, we can't do anything about this. - Okay.
So let's just... Like, we'll go back to work, all right?
- Okay. All right. - Okay.
[Dolores] She trusts me.
I'm a monster.
Worse, I'm real.
[gasps]
[sighs]
Luis?
Is there any slight, like, fraction of a chance
he didn't do something stupid?
That'd be too stupid even for him, right?
Was that like that before?
[sighing]
I can't wait for him.
I'm getting my shit, and I'm getting out of here.
- [Nellie] ...and all this debt. - [usher] Mm-hmm.
And then he was getting these weird text messages,
- and nothing. - Not... Like, not at all?
- Nothing? - Not at all.
- That's shady. - And that's not like him.
- What if he became a monk? - [Nellie] No.
She figured it out?
- What? - Joy figured it out?
No, she didn't.
[stammers] Sh-She saw something?
Or why-why'd you have to go and...?
'Cause I'm on a fucking bender, man,
and we got to go.
And I'm leaving with or without you.
Wait, wait, wait. Why?
Why?
Come on, Luis.
We already had this conversation.
I got to do something with this first.
Mami, I got a plan. I really wish you'd trust me!
Why would I trust you? Why?
You've made everything worse.
- I've been looking out for you, okay? - Don't! I don't need
a 30-something, sweaty,
tampon-stealing cannibal
who reeks of adobo and aceite
and wouldn't have anybody else to go down on
if Dominic hadn't fucked my life apart 16 years ago
to make decisions for me anymore. Thank you.
You are fucking mean. That is so fucking mean.
Yeah? Then I'm fucking mean. Who gives a shit?
I also killed six fucking people. That doesn't bother you?
And I just killed Joy! Jesus, why did I kill Joy?
Yeah, I didn't really see that coming at all.
- Fuck did I kill Joy? - I-I didn't see that...
- I didn't see that coming at all. - Why the fuck did I...
- [siren approaching] - Oh, shit!
Yo, that came quick. Damn.
♪ The Five-O coming! ♪
[indistinct chatter outside]
[Nellie whimpering]
Dolores. Dolores!
Nellie!
- Nellie, wait! - Help me!
- Nellie! - [Luis] The... Oh!
That worked out even better than I thought. Nice.
I was just gonna buy us some time, but now it's off of us.
We can really stay here now.
And thanks to Magic Hands' latest delivery,
we'll even have fresh Muy Loca tonight. [laughs]
What did you do?
Yo, with Sophia gone, perfect timing.
Just hoisted it all up from the fire escape with a rope.
- Oh, my God. - Physics in action, baby.
- I even called in a tip. - Oh, my God.
"Oh, uh, I think, uh... I think I know
where the bodies wound up."
[laughs] Easy feasy.
- How could you do that to Nellie? - Yo, come on.
She's the reason why Jonah was hanging around here
- in the first place. - No, she's not the reason. I'm the reason
- he was hanging out here. I'm the reason! - Oh, whatever.
She's young. She's young.
She can do something with her life when she gets out.
[Dolores] Get out? Luis,
you don't get out when you chop people up.
Especially someone like Nellie.
You think the system was bad on me?
How could you do that?
Uh, how could I? [scoffs] Motherfuckers around here
are getting their fucking necks snapped.
I think Nellie made it out A-okay.
Plus, we're safe now, mami. Come on.
[Dolores] No, we're not safe.
They are gonna now search
every inch of this building.
You have, once again,
made it worse.
Well, what was I...? What the fuck was I supposed to do?!
[Dolores] You were supposed to stop me!
Anybody, somebody, was supposed to stop me!
[sighs]
I could have really been happy here,
like, with you.
Me doing my massages, you doing your thing upstairs.
I never wanted a house in Colorado, man.
I just wanted...
...to have a normal, simple life...
...and be a normal, simple person.
But I got to be this person instead.
[inhales sharply]
[exhaling] Okay.
[sighs, sniffles]
[helicopter whirring]
[Caleb] Like, all this today.
Like, always this particular time of day?
[indistinct conversation continues]
I got to go. [exhales sharply]
I'm gonna come with you. Let me get my shit real quick.
- Oh, too late. - [footsteps creak on stairs]
- [Jeremiah] Come on. - What? Jeremiah.
Come on, Dolores. Let's go. Come on.
I got my truck out back. It's running.
Let's go.
What the fuck is he even doing here?
- Oh. Stop. Luis. - Oh! I know everything.
- What? - I know what you're making her do, I know what you do...
[Luis] You don't know a goddamn thing.
I know what's in those empanadas!
- What the fuck are you talking about? - I know what you did
to yourself, and I know what you did to Ariel!
- To my father? - He always knew you had
a screw loose, but you knew he knew it, too. That's why
- you left him down here to rot! - You don't know one...
You don't know the first thing about me or my dad,
so why don't you shut the fuck up?
- He was my friend! - He wasn't your fucking friend, bro.
You're a fucking pendejo. He felt sorry for you
because you're fucking crazy.
Even before your fucking dead wife,
or before your fucking conspiracy theorist bullshit.
And nobody believes a goddamn word you fucking say!
- I'm not crazy. - Yeah.
- I'm not crazy. - Yeah?
Where the bodies at?!
- Jeremiah, wait! Jeremiah! - Where they at?
- Keep look, man. Keep looking. - Let's just go!
- Where the bodies at?! - Let's go! - You're not gonna
- find shit, you fucking psycho. - Where the bodies at?!
- You ain't gonna find shit,
- you fucking psycho! - Jeremiah, it was me!
- Where they at?! - [groaning]
- Wait! Stop it! - [blows landing]
- Guys, stop it. - You're a monster!
[gagging]
[Dolores] He's choking! He's choking!
Look at him. No. Let me go!
- [Luis] No! - He's choking! He's choking!
- He's fucking choking! - No!
- Christ, look at him. He's choking! - [Luis] No. Stop!
[Dolores] Help him! Stop it! You got to help him.
Get him! [panting] Come on!
[panting]
Jeremiah? Jeremiah?!
Jeremiah?
[panting]
Oh, my God.
Why did you make me do that?!
It would been more fucking humane to kill him!
I'm a pacifist! Look what you turned me into!
[groans] Stay away from me.
- I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. - Get away from me, Luis!
[Luis] No. I'm coming with you.
No, you're not fucking coming with me!
I don't ever want to see you
or your fucking waffle crotch ever again.
- [groaning] - Listen, mami,
- I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna help you. - No.
Get away from me. Get the fuck away from me!
But Dolores, you're the love of my life. You're the love
- of my life. I love you. - Don't you fucking
- touch me! - You're the love of my life.
- Get away from me! - I'll help you. So let me. So let me.
- Can't leave without me! - Aah!
[siren whoops outside]
[indistinct chatter]
- [panting] - [Luis] What is... No, no!
- Get away from me! Get away from me! - No, no, no, no!
- No! You can't go. No, you can't go. You can't. - Let me go!
- You can't go. No, we're too good to go. You're too good. - Let me go!
- Let me go! Please! - We're too good.
- Stay with me, mami. - Let me go.
Stay with me. Stay with me.
Come on. Stay with me, mami. Please don't go.
Don't go. Don't go. Please don't go.
- [panting] - Please don't go. Please don't go.
Please don't go.
- [panting] - Please don't go.
Don't go.
[both panting]
[Luis moaning]
[Dolores moaning]
[oil gurgling]
- [Luis sputters] - [Dolores screams]
[whimpering]
Oh. Oh, oh.
[Luis screaming]
[Luis yelling]
[sizzling]
[glass breaking]
[smoke alarm beeping loudly]
[Dolores] Deep fried, like everybody else.
[♪ Cyndi Lauper: "Oh Dolores"]
[siren wailing]
[groans]
[panting]
Ah, shit!
[panting]
Fuck. Fuck! I don't know how to fucking drive!
- [tires squealing] - ♪ Oh, oh, Dolores ♪
[vehicle horns blaring and tooting]
♪ You've come undone ♪
[horn honks]
♪ It happens every time ♪
- ♪ Now, isn't it a crime ♪ - [horns blaring]
♪ How they drag you down...
[Dolores] In a truck full of raw meat.
[horns honking]
[Flora gasps] So that's how you burned your hand?
Huh?
Yeah. That's how.
And then what?
And then I spent four years on the lam, looking for Dominic,
trying to put all this shit behind me.
Meanwhile, my name's on a marquee
like Jack the Uptown Ripper.
[Flora] I thought you were dead.
We all thought you were dead.
And... and I believed what I heard about you,
that you were some deranged monster,
- that you... - No, no, no, but you were right.
- I am. - No.
- Yeah. - You're a victim
- of circumstance. - No. You were right all along.
- You're a vigilante! - Were you not paying attention?
But you had to do it. You had to do all of those things!
- You were right all along! - You had to do it.
You had to do all of it.
I didn't, though, did I?
I didn't.
And you want to know something else?
I came here tonight to do it again.
To me?
[Dolores] Maybe.
Maybe not.
[exhales]
To whoever gets in my way, or might get in my way,
or rubs me the wrong way.
Or is just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Man, you said it yourself,
and you were right about me.
You're right.
I can't stop.
[♪ Cyndi Lauper: "Oh Dolores"]
[woman] Okay, Caleb, people are saying that you, like,
made Dolores a human being with this play,
like, even more than the podcast.
You know, you took this, like, evil serial killer lady,
and you made her a heroine!
I am going to make her into a TV show next.
Did you see Jason Blum here?
- Okay, excuse me. He's on fire. - [laughing] I know.
- Yeah. - I'm gonna grab my coat, and then I'll meet you outside?
- Okay, okay. - Okay.
[bell dings]
Hello?
Would you like a massage?
Oh, fuck, no!
- [grunting, coughing] - Motherfucker, really?
A podcast about my fucking life?!
- [muffled speaking] - And now a Broadway play?
- [muffled] Dominic! - Yeah, where's my check, bitch?
- Dominic. Dominic! - Where the fuck is my check?!
- Dominic. - What? What?!
Dominic.
[gagging]
- [coughs] - What'd you say?
- Aah. Dominic. - What'd you say?
I can help you find Dominic if you let me go.
You know where Dominic is?
- Aah! I know someone who does. - Yeah?
You want to live another day to record another shitty podcast?
- Yeah. - You take me to that person right motherfucking now.
Okay.
Whose house is this?
I think... I think you should just...
I'm gonna go inside that house,
and when I come back out, your ass had better still be here,
or else I will hunt you down
and finish shoving that mic so far down your throat,
we'll be able to do an interview with your colon.
Okay, but your-your hair looks...
amazing like that.
Like, it's... it's, like, hot.
It's, like... Like, it real, it really does.
- [car door bell chimes] - It's, like, really cute.
That volume, and... Okay.
[car door shuts]
Fuck.
[insects trilling]
[doorbell rings]
[light clicks on]
- [door latch clicks] - [Dolores gasps]
[door creaks open]
[exhales]
[laughing]
[Dolores laughing loudly]
[♪ Cyndi Lauper: "Oh Dolores"]
♪ Crossing over into something ♪
♪ Making it all out of nothing ♪
♪ Implement and reinvent ♪
♪ You take the fall ♪
♪ Oh, oh, Dolores ♪
♪ You've come undone ♪
♪ It happens every time ♪
♪ Now, isn't it a crime ♪
♪ How they drag you down, Dolores? ♪
♪ How they drag you down, Dolores? ♪♪