[crowd clamoring]
- [horn honking] - Duchess! Duchess!
- Disgusting. - Get away...
You're scum. You're scum!
[horn continues honking]
- Slut! - Oh, you'll be judged.
[voices fading]
[muffled clamoring]
[man] Get back.
I've told you!
♪ ♪
[brakes screech]
[clamoring in distance]
[Ian] I saw the crowds.
How was the reception?
Rapturous. What do you want?
You've played a spirited game, but we both know
you don't have the guts for this.
Do we, really?
Margaret, I want to give you one last chance.
Because I'm an honorable man.
I'll go in there, talk to my QC,
and this will all be over.
There'll be no need for you to be confronted with...
...the evidence.
Just nod your head.
Hadn't you better take your seat?
[court official] In the matter of Argyll v. Argyll,
the court now calls Margaret, Duchess of Argyll.
♪ ♪
[train whistle blowing]
[quiet chatter]
[Ian] I once saw you at the Café de Paris.
You were coming down the stairs,
all eyes were on you, the famous Mrs. Sweeny.
I won't be Mrs. Sweeny for much longer.
Yes, I heard that. You're divorcing him.
- Desertion. The man's a fool. - [lighter flicks]
If you were mine, I'd never let you out of my sight.
If you were mine.
Captain Ian Campbell.
I know who you are.
What happened next?
I can't have just walked down the staircase.
Well, you descended the stairs, and...
I was enchanted.
Utterly bewitched.
I said,
"There's the girl I'm gonna marry."
- Who did you say that to? - Janet, my wife.
I rather think it's why she divorced me.
My first wife, that is.
I wonder what reason your second wife will give?
Oh, she'll never divorce me, no matter how hard I try.
Well, you should try harder.
Put your...
...back into it.
You have a delicious little stammer.
It's never been called that before.
You keep a diary?
Doesn't everyone?
You know what I think?
You should put a thick line
through all those boring appointments and write,
"Off to Scotland with Captain Campbell."
Should I?
You can join me while I take care of some family business.
I'll be a perfect gentleman.
In that case, I'll stay at home.
♪ ♪
[exhales]
[Ian] Yvonne.
Margaret.
Yvonne MacPherson, my wonderful assistant.
Woman's a bloody godsend.
- Where are they? - In the library.
I wouldn't come in if I were you.
Place is a plague pit. Cold as a morgue.
Take a look around the grounds
and then we'll go for some dinner.
- Let's see Cousin Niall. - [clears throat]
I've read so much about you, seen your photograph so often...
...I feel I know you.
Do you?
[Ian] [distant] Yvonne!
[exhales]
[muffled singing]
[Ian] Christ, I'm dreading this.
[Niall singing indistinctly]
Hello, Niall.
[singing in Italian]
Really quite incredibly hungry.
Well?
We could sell an island. Or maybe some land.
Do it, then. But not Tobermory.
Tobermory is off-limits. It's sacrosanct.
Sell Tiree or some of the other land.
It still wouldn't be enough to cover the costs
of essential work needed to the castle.
We can't even start repairs while the duke is still alive,
as he's so fiercely against anything
he perceives as intrusion.
Well, he believes in fairies.
Perhaps it would help if you wore little wings
and carried a wand.
You said you would consider an income from the estate.
For me.
We discussed it and we agreed.
You are princes among men. How much?
1,500 pounds a year for the term of your life.
1,500 pounds?
I'd earn more selling my arsehole on the Glasgow docks.
- Well, if you don't want it... - Jesus wept, fine.
I don't have a choice, do I?
When do I get it?
When you inherit the Duchy of Argyll.
Give all those pieces of paper to Mrs. MacPherson.
I don't have time for them.
[birds chirping]
♪ ♪
[Ian] I'm done.
What does this mean?
"Forget Not."
It's beautiful.
You didn't tell me it was so beautiful.
It's a pile.
Just needs love and attention.
She's just neglected.
[Charlie] Margaret. It's so good to see you.
You don't have to be here.
We don't have to sign it together.
I made mistakes.
- It's not too late. - Charlie.
It is.
[Margaret] We'll always be friends.
Always.
Write to the children.
It's important they know you love them.
You can never tell a child it's loved too much.
Bye, darling.
♪ ♪
[Margaret] Charlie cried like a baby.
Poor thing.
He cried and he cried.
He said he could never love anyone the way he loved me.
[Diana] We don't have to go, you know.
We could just go for a girl's dinner somewhere.
Of course we have to go.
Imagine the talk if I didn't turn up.
There's already been talk.
Your jaunt to the Highlands with rugged Captain Campbell?
That's curdling some milk.
Is it? What do you know about him?
Terrible time with those bloody Nazis.
Locked up in one of their horrendous
prisoner of war camps.
Men being operated on with no anesthetic
to see how long they last, that sort of thing.
Christ. Poor man.
He never said anything about that.
Well, it's not very erotic, is it?
You're not going to fall backwards on to a chaise lounge
with tales of torture and starvation.
I don't know.
- Cheers, darling. - Come on, tell all.
There's nothing to tell.
- It's me. - I know it's you.
- There's nothing to tell. - Because he's married?
There are stories about Captain Ian Campbell, you know.
- [dog barking] - Not war stories. Women stories.
Diana, darling, there are stories about me.
I liked him. I liked his castle.
Keep your powder dry. It's not his castle yet.
- Yet. Are they out there? - Of course they are.
How much do you want to bet
- Maureen gets her penis out? - [laughs softly]
Not a penny. Maureen always gets her penis out.
Ugh.
[dog barking]
- [door opens] - [man] This way, please!
- This way, please! - [crowd clamoring]
[Maureen] Congratulations on your divorce.
Now you can grace us with your beauty again.
How we've missed you.
Ah, hello. Oh...
Everyone, handpicked by moi, to cheer you up.
What a wonderful hostess you are, Maureen.
You really do think of everything.
Canapés and cock. Is there anything else?
- Well, hopefully a dessert. - [laughs]
[Maureen] Mm.
I know what's going to get this party started.
Here we go.
[clicking]
[cheering]
[laughter]
Do it again.
[people cheering]
I think we need another one, don't we?
Who is going to be the lucky person?
Freddy.
- Come on, darling. - All right, then.
- [clicking] - [man] Go on, Freddy!
[cheering]
[laughs]
- ♪ Dreamy eyes ♪ - [♪ The Four Preps: "Dreamy Eyes"]
♪ Dreamy eyes ♪
♪ Dreamy eyes, who are you dreaming of? ♪
♪ Dreamy eyes ♪
♪ Who do you really love? ♪
♪ Who holds ♪
♪ The key to your heart? ♪
♪ Heart ♪
♪ Tell me, tell me who ♪
♪ Who do you yearn to kiss? ♪
♪ Open up your heart ♪
♪ Don't torture me like this ♪
♪ Your dreams ♪
♪ Will drive us apart ♪
♪ Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah ♪
♪ Your lonely lips ♪
♪ Cry for love ♪
♪ You live ♪
♪ And you die ♪
♪ Just for love ♪
♪ But my lips excite ♪
♪ Thrill and ignite ♪
♪ The fire of love deep inside ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Dreamy eyes ♪
♪ I need you desperately ♪
♪ Dreamy eyes...
[exhales]
♪ ♪
Thought of you the other day.
Mm?
I took little Sheridan to London Zoo.
I arranged for him to have a tour with one of the keepers.
The boy is obsessed with animals.
Hmm. I like them myself.
We went to the monkey house.
My dear, those chimps with their ghastly pink bottoms,
just hideous.
They don't know that, do they?
They probably think they look charming.
There were these other monkeys.
Um, apes, bonobos.
Quite fascinating.
Everything they do is about sex.
They meet a new bonobo, they have sex with them.
Sticking it in and out, dear.
Hello. How do you do?
In and out, tossing each other off,
fingering each other, in and out, in and out nonstop.
It's how they make friends.
And I thought...
that's Margaret.
In and out, in and out.
Margaret is a bonobo.
[Maureen snickering]
It's not my fault that you don't like it, Maureen,
and that you're no good at it.
I do like it.
I like it very much.
And I'm extremely good at it.
That's not my fault.
And bonobo apes sound perfectly precious.
I shall have to make a handsome donation to their welfare.
- Bonjour, mon capitan. - Bonjour.
[door closes in distance]
[aria playing quietly]
Oh, you're back.
I am. And I got you a present.
Lovely new mink...
for my lovelier wife.
Magnificent. What a picture you look.
Look at us.
What fun we're having.
It's too hot for mink.
Well, it's bloody freezing in Scotland.
[aria continues]
♪ ♪
[soprano holding high note]
[soprano continues holding high note]
[aria continues]
[aria ends]
[newsman] Honoring the death of Niall Diarmid Campbell,
Captain Ian Douglas Campbell has been announced
as the 11th Duke of Argyll.
Captain Campbell is a distant cousin
of the tenth duke and is headed to Inveraray Castle
where he will now take up residency,
obtaining salvage rights to the sunken Duque de Florencia
- in Tobermory Bay. - Oh.
[newsman continues indistinctly]
Yes?
[operator] Go ahead, caller.
Yes, it's for the 11th Duke of Argyll at the House of Lords.
Congratulations, Your Grace.
Stop.
I'm feeling restless. Stop.
Come and see me. Stop.
M. Stop.
[pen scribbling]
♪ ♪
[Margaret] That's it?
[Ian] Yeah.
The Duque de Florencia.
Part of the Spanish Armada.
Buried under four centuries of silt and seaweed.
Shipwreck full of jewels.
It's like finding the El Dorado.
You could almost touch it.
People have tried. Previous dukes.
No one's managed it yet.
Costs a bloody fortune.
Maybe you will.
Well, it would make it all seem more real.
I wasn't brought up here.
Don't know it. Wasn't born to it.
I inherited it all from a distant, distant cousin,
not a father or even an uncle.
I'm only the duke 'cause there was no one else.
There's only me.
A bit desperate, really.
I don't know.
It's gonna rain.
- Better head back. - [sighs]
Let's go fast again.
[distant thunder rumbling]
[quiet footsteps]
[Margaret gasps softly]
I didn't know you were there.
- Yes, you did. - [laughs]
Yes, I did.
I thought I'd rustle us up some tea.
[Margaret] Now?
- Mm. [laughs softly] - What is it?
What is it?
Nothing. [clears throat]
What?
No one ever sees that.
[exhales]
30 stitches.
♪ ♪
[Margaret moans]
[logs crackling in fireplace]
[distant thunder rumbling]
You're going to be the one to do it.
To raise the shipwreck.
We're going to do it all.
[sets glass down]
Yes?
Be my duchess?
We have to promise
that we will never, ever bore one another.
I'll do and say many things.
None of them will be boring.
I believe you.
Then yes.
I think it's time you met my father.
- ♪ ♪ - [low, indistinct chatter]
[rhythmic grunting]
[panting, grunting]
[George chuckles]
- Daddy! - Darling girl. Mm!
- Ian? - Mm.
This is my father, George Whigham.
Daddy, this is Captain Ian Campbell,
- the Duke of Argyll. - Well, none of that antiquated nonsense.
Just Ian. Please.
Nice to meet you, George.
The Argylls have salvage rights, Daddy.
Granted by King James II.
Yes, and it's full of Spanish gold.
Oh, and a crown from the pope.
Imagine the rocks in that. All just lying there,
- waiting. - Raising it sounds a job.
- That's wild water. - [Ian] Yes. The Royal Navy
is sending their best men out for free.
But don't think I won't be checking those frogmen
for doubloons, though.
Margaret's been telling me
about Inveraray.
My daughter's fallen in love with your castle.
Well, George, my castle has fallen in love with her.
Hook, line and sinker.
Can't bear to be without her.
That's why I put that ring on her finger.
Statement of intent.
[Margaret] Now you've made me go pink.
I'm going to go and talk to Mummy
and leave my two favorite men to talk.
[knocking]
[door opens]
Hello, Mummy.
Careful.
Yes, I can see it.
It's an Argyll family heirloom.
It looks like it came from Woolworths.
Well, it didn't.
I may be trapped in this chair, but I still hear things.
He's a married man.
You're carrying on as if he isn't.
My daughter, an adulteress.
A roundheel.
The squalor of it.
It's not adultery if the marriage is unhappy.
It doesn't count.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
He's got children. Think of them.
I'm in love with him.
Your skin is looking dull.
No, it isn't.
And your jawline's looking...
soft.
Getting a few wrinkles.
I'm not getting any wrinkles,
and there's nothing wrong with my jawline.
I massage my creams in every night.
I do my exercises just like you taught me.
Why must you always...
[muffled grunt]
[shudders] ...be like this, Mummy?
Could you not say something nice to me for a change?
[shudders]
I'm so lonely.
I think your father has a mistress.
He goes out at night, leaves me on my own.
Tell him to stay here with me.
He'll listen to you.
Daddy needs company.
He doesn't have a mistress.
He'd never do that to me.
[Ian] George,
you're now a patron of Clan Campbell,
and I'm humbled by your generosity.
[George] I'm a Scot, a proud one.
It's every Scot's ancestral heritage,
and I am honored to play my part.
Also, one thing. I've...
I've let my London club memberships lapse.
Couldn't help me out at your place, could you?
I'd be happy to.
Thank you, Daddy.
- You've made me so proud. - Hmm.
- [♪ Edith Piaf: "La Vie En Rose"] - ♪ Hold me close and ♪
♪ Hold me fast ♪
♪ The magic spell you cast ♪
♪ This is la vie en rose ♪
[both laughing]
♪ When you kiss me ♪
♪ Heaven sighs ♪
♪ And though I close my eyes ♪
♪ I see la vie en rose ♪
♪ When you press me to your heart ♪
♪ I'm in a world apart ♪
♪ A world where roses bloom ♪
[Janet] He did the same thing when we were married,
and now it's your turn.
[Louise] But he does realize that I can see this,
that his sons will see this.
Their father-- with her.
She was engaged to my brother for a while.
Engaged to just about everyone as I understand it.
Is it true about David Niven?
That's the rumor.
And Prince Aly Khan?
[chuckles] Yes.
Good God.
I'm rather fond of her.
Janet, she's humiliating me.
He's humiliating you.
How can he do this?
How is this fair?
- [song ends] - Louise...
Mon cher Oui-Oui,
why carry on like this?
He's making it easy for you.
Divorce him.
Best thing I ever did.
Divorce him.
Ian always gets what he bloody wants.
And her...
I suppose Daddy's millions means that she gets what she wants.
♪ ♪
[Louise] Dear Margaret...
Well, congratulations.
You win.
Mummy! Mummy!
I hope you'll be gratified to know that every detail
of Ian's public betrayal of me with you
has been unbearably painful.
[Margaret] I'm not a very good teammate,
[laughs] I'm afraid.
Welcome to White's.
Honored to have you as a member.
Thank you, George.
- A celebratory snifter, I think. - Hmm.
[indistinct chatter nearby]
One second.
[chatter continues]
Charlie Sweeny.
To the victor the spoils, eh?
[Louise] Perhaps if I didn't love my sons so much
I would fight harder,
delay the inevitable,
just to deprive you of your gloating triumph.
So much money out there just waiting for us.
[Margaret] Good luck!
Don't come back until you've found our treasure.
[Frances] Good luck!
[Louise] But I don't want
to drag this out for them.
So I'm letting you win
and giving Ian his divorce.
I hope my pain makes you happy.
[Diana] "...and I hope you never have to know the agony
of having your private life laid bare for all to see,
of being paraded for the judgment of others.
Though, knowing a little of your character,
I imagine you would welcome the publicity.
Sincerely, Louise."
Poor me. God, the tedious old horse.
Although, I suppose what can you expect, really,
from someone who calls themself Wee-Wee.
Oui-Oui.
A nickname only used by close friends.
And you, my darling, are never going to be one of those.
Then she doesn't know what she's missing, does she?
I'm delightful.
Poor old Wee-Wee.
- Oui-Oui. - Yes, Diana, darling, that's what I said.
Wee-Wee.
[♪ Riaan Vosloo & Benedic Lamdin: "The Get Around"]
[Ian] Should we have Junior in the middle? What do you think?
[Margaret] No, I think two girls together is a terrible idea.
[Ian] All right, your children behind you. Mine behind me.
One happy family.
Chest out. Back straight.
Now, you come closer. I think he needs to come closer.
Colin right there? Here? All right.
- That's much better. - Junior, you-you...
- Just there, sweetheart. - [Ian] Sho-Shoulders...
- Shoulders back. - [Margaret] Shoulders back.
[Ian] Everybody ready?
It's not a funeral. You can smile.
♪ It's a tidal wave ♪
You gonna hold my hand?
- I suppose I should. - ♪ Comin' round ♪
- Everybody tense up. - ♪ We doin' this thing ♪
♪ Called the get around ♪♪
[indistinct chatter]
- [Ian] Hello! - Welcome, Captain!
Thank you!
[cheering]
- [Margaret laughs] - Thank you.
Thank you so much! Thank you.
Welcome, Your Graciousness.
Thank you.
[indistinct chatter]
Shall we?
- I'm gonna carry you. - What?
I'm gonna carry you across the threshold.
- Oh, no, Ian, please. - The Duke of Argyll
will carry his duchess into Inveraray Castle.
- [chuckles] - Come on. Up you come.
- [cheering] - [straining] Oh, my God,
it's like carrying a piece of wood.
I'm sorry, but I just, I don't like it.
Well, I can't put you down. Everybody's looking.
Oh, no, you're going to drop me.
I'm not gonna fuckin' drop you!
Can you please put me down. Please.
[cheering muted]
♪ ♪
Ian...
There, you're down.
Happy?
[door opens]
[Margaret chuckles softly]
Thank you so much for that wonderful reception.
We'll have champagne and cake inside.
[bagpipes playing "Amazing Grace"]
[bagpipes fading]
[moans softly]
Mm.
♪ ♪
[Margaret] So, it's just to take this whole toilet,
um, through that door and up to the second floor bathroom.
- Okay. - Okay. It's very delicate. You might need some help.
Hello.
♪ ♪
I'm all confused.
- ♪ ♪ - [birds chirping]
[mooing in distance]
♪ ♪
[door closes]
Father.
- [Colin] Father. - Ian.
Colin. Other hand.
Look me in the eyes.
[chuckles softly] We're so happy that you're here.
Mwah! Such handsome boys!
We've got so much to show you.
- Mm. - Your rooms are all ready.
And we've got toast and cake.
And my little doggy can't wait to make friends.
All right, well, I'm going for a walk.
- What? They've only just got here. - I know.
Give you a chance to get to know each other.
Better without me, I think.
[footsteps approaching]
- Where's my father? - Still on his walk.
Has he had an accident?
- He might have fallen. - No, of course not.
He knows the countryside around here.
It belongs to him.
He hasn't fallen anywhere.
He's just lost track of time.
Boys...
I know how hard it is to share your daddy.
I used to hate sharing my daddy with anyone.
We don't call him Daddy.
We call him Father.
Right.
When I was a little girl,
I was rather lonely,
and my daddy got me two puppies.
They were such lovely company, always so cheerful.
Would you both like a puppy
to be your friend while you're here?
What would happen when we weren't here?
Well, I'd look after it.
I love dogs.
And you could write it letters from school,
and I could read them out, and your little puppy would know
exactly what you've been up to.
Dogs can't understand what you say. That's stupid.
It's just an idea.
We want to be excused.
Do you know...
maybe I should send some men out to look for your daddy.
- He's our father! - [Ian] I heard there were
two young gentlemen still awake.
Colin, you should be in bed. So should you, Ian.
[Margaret] They were waiting for you.
Ian was worried that you'd fallen down a mountain.
- Really? - No, I wasn't.
You own all this countryside.
You'd never fall down anywhere.
[Ian] Damn right.
Only cretins fall down mountains.
Mm!
All right, come on, bed.
♪ ♪
- [knocking] - [Margaret] Ian?
[doorknob rattles]
[rattles doorknob]
- Ian? - [knocking]
Ian, why have you locked the door?
Ian?
Come to bed.
♪ ♪
Oh. Off you get, naughty boy.
Off.
♪ ♪
[bird cawing in distance]
You said that the Navy were supplying the divers for free
because they were interested in the project.
But that says 6,000 pounds.
They're chiselers.
- Jackals. - The Royal Navy are not chiselers.
Well, then they're arseholes.
- [sighs] - And...
what mink coat from Worth?
Oh.
I bought that for Oui-Oui.
- Did you? - Mm-hmm.
Well, you didn't buy it, Ian,
because they've issued a writ for 4,000 pounds, and...
that's 10,000 pounds all together.
Why are you being such a fucking wife?
Honestly.
I'm not...
- ...being a wife. - Oh, God.
It's a lot of money.
On top of everything else.
This is serious, Ian. Those are writs.
So let them come for me,
I'll kill myself,
and that'll get rid of the problem.
Can't take a corpse to court.
For God's sake.
Look...
I'll pay them both,
- this time. - Mm.
But it's galling in the extreme
to think that I'm paying for Wee-Wee's mink.
[takes deep breath]
I want to clear up this library.
- All these papers. - You do not touch those.
Those are my cousin Niall's papers; they're his work.
They're heirlooms.
Ian, it's rubbish.
You wouldn't know a serious academic work
if it came up and bit you on your fanny.
Those are an act of thought,
of inquiry...
creation.
What have you ever created in your entire life?
Except... you.
And who else, exactly, am I supposed to have created?
And I made two beautiful children.
Mm, mm, marvelous job you've done there.
They're completely spoiled.
[shudders]
How...
How d-d-d-dare I, perhaps?
Here's a thought, Margaret.
Pay the b-b... b-bills.
It's what you're for.
♪ ♪
[Clacy] Excuse me, Your Grace.
Thank you, Mr. Clacy.
Uh, I'm a monster.
And a bastard.
And I'm sorry.
And I know I would be nothing without you.
Forgive me.
How many men did I marry?
Every morning I wonder which Ian I'm going to wake up to.
[departing footsteps]
[indistinct chatter]
♪ ♪
[indistinct chatter]
[footsteps approaching]
- [Margaret] Maureen. - Darling.
- How are you? - Mm. Very well.
Oh. Every inch the duchess.
[clicks tongue] As if you'd been born to it.
[quiet gasp] What a triumph, darling.
It's-it's all exquisite.
You should be very proud.
Mm, I am.
I didn't know that people had started arriving yet.
Oh, well, we have.
[chuckles] Little old me and, uh,
a special someone I don't think you're expecting.
Wee-Wee.
How lovely to see you.
Oui-Oui.
That's what I said. Glorious mink.
I think I bought it.
[Ian] Oui-Oui!
You made it. Marvelous.
What do you think of the old place?
Can you picture yourself here?
Why don't you...
get yourself...
outside a glass of champagne and have a poke around
and then cast a beady eye over the fixtures and fittings.
Well, she's looking rather good, isn't she?
What?
Did you invite her?
Darling, Louise is the mother of my heir.
Needs her stamp of approval.
But you didn't consider that it might upset me,
when I've put so much work into this day?
I didn't give you a second thought.
[man] Your Grace?
No.
What did you mean, can she see herself here?
Oh, not now. Obviously.
Couldn't be under the same roof for more than a couple of hours.
But later, when I die, my son will be duke.
It'll be up to him, and it's traditional
to have one's old mum rattling around in one of the wings.
And what happens to me when you die?
Well, I imagine you get sad for a little bit, but then you marry
some ghastly banker, and off to Monaco you'll pop.
No, Ian, what happens to me and Inveraray?
The home that I've built, what happens?
Well, that will also be up to my son,
and he's very fond of his mother.
[Margaret] Does this mean I've got to make friends with her?
I think it might help, yes.
Then that's what I'll do.
That's the spirit.
By the time I'm finished with her,
she's going to adore me.
If she doesn't stab you in the neck while you sleep,
I'd call that a triumph.
Oh, here they come. Shall we, Your Grace?
[indistinct chatter]
[bagpipes playing in distance]
- Margaret? - Hmm?
Don't push her in the lake or anything.
Of course I won't.
Promise?
[thunder rumbles in distance]
[laughing, applause]
[people shouting indistinctly]
[man] Congratulations!
- Speech! Speech! - Speech!
Say something.
It's been one of the greatest privileges of my life
to restore Inveraray Castle to such magnificent grandeur.
An enduring legacy for my husband,
the Duke of Argyll, and his heirs.
- [applause] - [man] Yes, indeed!
[cheering]
[thunder rolling]
♪ ♪
[cheering and applause]
[woman] Bravo!
- [cheering continues] - [man] Bravo!
♪ ♪
[Margaret] "I love you so much,
I am so happy my sons are yours, not Ian's.
Your own Louise."
♪ ♪