Yes? Come in. Yes, you can...
I don't have much time.
-You wanted to see me? -Yes.
I'm pregnant.
I missed my period, so I must be pregnant.
-You don't seem happy. -No, I am.
Anyway, I'm keeping it. I have my first ultrasound on the 27th.
Up to you if you want to be there.
-Excuse me. Henri Derry on line two. -I'll take it.
-I'll let you think about it. -Okay.
Come on!
Yes! Yes!
That's so good.
Here.
Fuck. Do you have a light, bro?
-What? -A light.
-No. -Why do you never have a fucking light?
You always take mine and then you never have one.
-It sucks. -That's true.
What do you do with them? Shove them up your ass?
"Tomorrow at dawn, in the white countryside,
I will leave, you see. I know you're waiting for me.
I will cross the woods, I will cross the mountains.
I cannot stay..."
Sorry, do you have a light?
Sure.
Thanks.
"Tomorrow..."
-Look at this rich asshole. -Who does he think he is?
-Jesus. -Dressed like an old fuck.
'When two loving hearts have sweetly aged,
Oh! What joy, so deep,
Private and sedate!
Love! Celestial nuptials!
Oh, pure bond of souls!
Its glow persists as its fires die.
Two hearts were taken long ago, But now only one remains.
Memories of their shared past
Make it impossible For one to live without the other.
Darling, isn't it so? Such a life is ours.
Our love enjoys the evening peace And the glow of daybreak.
And it turns into friendship Without losing love."
That's really beautiful.
Sorry.
-Yes? -Can you hear me?
-I'm hard! -What?
-It's coming back. -I'll call you later.
It's coming back.
Was I boring you?
Not at all, it's really beautiful.
Especially the last two lines.
You don't have to pretend to like it.
Once we're done, you can be yourself again.
No, this is really me speaking. I think it's really beautiful.
At first, I found the nature thing boring, but when he talks about his daughter...
-He can really write. -Yes, he can.
I should try it with the other old ladies, it could be profitable.
When I said, "Be yourself again," I should've added, "But try to be polite."
Of course, sorry.
Tell me.
I haven't seen you for a week.
What have you been up to lately?
Come on, stick it in the back door!
You lazy ass!
An appointment tonight? But you saw him this morning.
He's not an ATM, Margareth.
-See you soon. -Thank you.
My pleasure.
With Suzanne, it's a little different. She has some memory problems.
That was wonderful.
Don't forget my check.
Didn't I just do that?
No, Suzanne, not yet.
Thank you. See you.
A week from Friday, 2:00 p.m.
You're in great shape! Don't forget my check.
Didn't I do that already?
You do this every time.
You can't fool me!
Thank you.
I need my check. I'm very late, sorry.
-Didn't I give it to you already? -No, you didn't.
Now I'm not sure... No, you didn't.
That would work. Good. Can you give me the address?
The D'Argenson, okay. Is there an entry code?
Yes, Alphonse! Yes, yes!
It doesn't appear brown.
Mister Love speaking. How about...
...Tuesday the 19th?
Noted. Can you give me the address?
Hello, bitch!
Take me to your bed.
Are you insane? Why are you dressed like that?
-To pleasure you, Marie-Claude. -My name is Chantal.
-Oh, yes, Chantal, sorry. -Chantal.
See you soon!
Is that all you've got, you big queen?
-You never felt ashamed? -Ashamed? Of what?
For getting paid for your own pleasure.
I never thought I was good-looking or funny.
So, I quickly realized that paying was part of their fantasy.
They pay, so they decide.
Some of them seldom had the opportunity to decide.
Are you okay?
What was the question?
I asked what you've been up to lately.
Working. A lot.
-Let's go. Ready? -Ready.
Show me the gloves.
-What are you doing? -You said, "Let's go."
Take that off, you idiot. You gonna wear that on the street?
-Fine. -Dumbass.
-Are you sure she's alone? -Yes.
-She's an old woman. Who would be there? -Her girlfriends?
She's like a thousand years old, they're all dead.
A boyfriend, then?
You're disgusting.
Let's go.
Why do you like watches so much?
Many reasons.
I love you.
When I was a kid, I heard a lot of sounds I didn't like.
So, I would focus on the ticking of my old watch that I still wear.
It's self-winding.
It's amazing, it works without electricity.
But this one is almost like magic.
If you like it so much, we could make a deal.
If you come by every day, in three weeks it will be yours.
-Every day? -Don't sound so thrilled!
Do you like it or not?
Where's the old bitch?
-She's here. -Don't move!
-Don't move. -I won't.
Sit down and shut up. Who's this guy?
A friend.
-The safe. -The safe!
-What safe? -Don't fuck with me! Where is it?
Stay with him.
-The combination! -Give me the code!
Shoot, I don't have much time left.
-Want me to shoot you? -Give them the code, please.
No! That's you, Louis, isn't it?
You won't answer me?
I recognized your disgusting cologne!
Let's get outta here.
Have a nice day, honey.
Hope you don't catch a cold.
-Are you okay? -Yes. My heart was racing at first.
-But that was good, right? -Do you know them?
He's my grandson.
Even with a balaclava, you can't miss that idiot's stench.
Fucking old-ass bitch! Fuck!
-Who was he? -Dunno.
But I'm gonna find out.
We need to do something.
I pressed charges when he threatened me. I didn't have enough evidence against him.
I've even considered hiring Romanians.
To do what?
To off him. One of us has to go.
It's either him or me.
At my age, I'm more likely to go first, but I'd still prefer it to be him.
-Who are you calling? -The police.
-I'd better go, then. -Why?
You're right.
-Thank you. -You're welcome.
Without you, it'd already be on the black market.
It's yours.
-No. -Don't argue with me.
I can do what I want.
I'll take care of it.
Be careful, eh?
-Yes? Hello. -Hello.
-We spoke online. -Yes. Come in.
-Bruno, right? -Yes.
-Hello? -I can feel it move.
-What? -In my belly.
Think it will vote right or left?
-Hello. 15 Rue Jacob, in the Sixth. -Okay.
-Can I call you back? -No.
It's your child, Claude,
your chromosomes that are raising hell in my belly.
I'll come as soon as I can. Can you put the phone next to it?
-Thank you. -Can you hear it?
It's amazing.
It's funny, I swore for years I would never have kids,
but my heart skips a beat every time the little monster moves.
It's wonderful carrying two lives. We should all carry two lives.
Absolutely.
Are you listening? You seem miles away.
Not at all.
Aren't you with my sister?
I'm at the office. I barely see her anymore.
-Hello, Father. -I'll call you back.
She's waiting for you.
What do you mean?
Young ones, not so young, I have all sorts of clients.
What do you mean by "not so young?"
One time, there was a lady who was at least 60.
What's so funny?
-My mother's 60. -So?
I wasn't very clear, kiddo.
If we're to work together, you'll need a different concept of time.
-Who is this? -What do you think?
You're back early.
I cut it short. It's been a long day.
Hello.
-Hi. I'm Bruno. -Alphonse.
Everything went well with Fabienne?
I gave her the last rites, then brought her back to life.
I'll call you back, young man. I'll think about it.
I'll think about it, too.
-Bye. -Bye.
Bye.
-Who is he? -Apparently, he's good.
I thought it might be a good idea to have some backup.
Backup?
I can't cope with the demand.
This afternoon alone,
two more clients slipped through my fingers.
And you didn't tell me? You were hiring this guy behind my back?
I was going to tell you.
You were going to dump my clients on that loser?
-They're my clients. -Wrong.
I brought 10 new clients on my reputation alone.
Look who's getting big-headed now!
Four phone calls and he thinks he's Don Juan.
Only four? Then why do you need backup?
Shut up, go get the door.
Backup...
-Hello. -Hello.
Delivery for Mr. Bisson, Jacques.
Yes. Come in.
-Thank you. -Come in. This way.
Come in, put it here.
-What is it? -A TV with a sound bar.
Do I have to sign something?
-There. -Have a nice day.
Bye. Sitting pretty, I see.
What?
A leather chair, three bottles of Château Pavie and a home cinema?
And I'm the one doing all the fucking work.
What would you do with all this cash?
Who launders the money, keeps the books and makes up invoices?
-And stop eating butter, for God's sake! -Leave it!
Suit yourself.
Do you think it's easy making sure your wife doesn't find out?
Making it look like you work for a legit business?
By the way, 50% isn't much for what I do.
Why should you get 50%?
Because I've spent 30 years in this business!
You wouldn't last long without me. I brief you on your roles,
I wash your boxers, I pick out your clothes.
Not like I could use yours.
What's wrong with my clothes? You don't like them?
Nobody ever complained. I was doing just fine without you.
We'll see if you can keep the new clients.
It's all about keeping them. Talk to me in 25 years.
-Do you think I'll still be doing this? -Why?
Have other plans? Think you're too good? You were fired from your last three jobs.
Your gift is your dick, like your father.
Some families are actors, others bakers, we are good in the bedroom.
-Go get ready. -For what?
-I have a new one. -I'm tired.
Don't worry, it's not demanding.
-Where is it? -Nearby.
-Hello, darling. -Hello.
Why did you ring? Did you forget your keys?
I'm losing my mind.
Don't worry, come in.
I made some tea.
She came by this afternoon, we got chatting
and I saw an opportunity.
What did he die of?
It was very sudden, a heart attack.
One morning, he was dead in his bed.
I didn't notice a thing.
It was awful. Just awful.
Why am I telling you this?
I'm not made to be alone.
I think I can help you.
-What do I have to do? -Basic scenario.
Her husband died a few years ago.
She gave me some of his things.
It's creepy.
For 500 euros, nothing's creepy.
She also gave me this. Be careful. It's delicate.
-What is it? -His hair.
I mean, it's a wig.
How can they believe in these fantasies?
That's my job. My gift. My only gift.
When I met your mother, I wanted to be an actor.
-You? -Yes.
I used to drive limos to meet producers.
-And? -I met your mother.
What's wrong?
She'll laugh at me in this.
Who cares about the wig? It's just to make her fantasy real.
Here.
-Start acting. -What?
Get up and act.
You're her husband, you have a paunch, you're tired.
-Yeah, well... -Yeah.
-Go on. -Okay, so I'm tired.
-Yes. You have a paunch. -I have...
-A real big paunch, you're tired. -Like this?
Yes, I mean he's not...
What? Is this okay?
I didn't know you were funny.
Just how you like it.
A lot of milk, one sugar.
Thank you, my love.
It's starting. Come and sit down.
They never missed Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
He died before they changed the host.
She kept the DVDs and re-watches them.
Is she crazy?
No, she's in love. Maybe one day, you'll know what that's like.
-Correct answer. -Here, I prepared this for you.
-Thanks. -Question four for 800 euros.
When you're traveling abroad, do you have to set your watch ahead
an hour,
a week, a month, or a year?
-Easy. -They think we're stupid.
Yeah, really.
It's because it just started.
Be careful, she said he knew all the answers.
She prepared some for you.
These characters from the children's story...
-I know this one. -Really?
Jar Jar, Jubjub, Job Job...
-So? -It's the Jubjub bird.
The bar is pretty low.
...for 1,500 euros, Michel.
Who was Roman emperor from 54 to 68 A.D.?
Fero...
Zero, Nero or Pero?
Nero.
-Nero. -Yes!
Well done, honey. Good job.
Peel the carrots, I'll do the leeks.
Just a tiny bit.
On Sunday, we could go for a walk in Fontainebleau.
Good idea.
Do you prefer Saint-Germain-en-Laye?
We went there last weekend. Fontainebleau will be more fun.
You're right.
So we agree?
-Yes. -As always, my love?
You look tired.
I know someone who's gonna have a good night's sleep.
Alphonse isn't coming?
Yes, he's on his way.
Is he okay? I heard he's having problems at work.
Really? Who said that?
I don't remember, it's probably not true.
No, actually, he's working nonstop.
I barely see him anymore.
Wait, I have a new one from the pharmacy.
Thanks, honey.
So, night in front of the TV with her.
-Yes, technically. -That's it.
-What? -I just sleep next to her, that's all.
Yes.
-Yes? -Yes.
Just asking.
Are you coming, darling?
Yes.
I think we should order.
We don't have to wait for him.
I bet we're all starving.
-Are you sure? -Yes, it'll teach him.
He must be stuck at work.
I'm exhausted.
Sweet dreams, darling.
Good night.
-Alphonse! About time! -I'm really sorry.
You're right on time. Thanks.
-How are you? -Good. I'm really sorry.
Things were a bit crazy at work.
-Cheers. -Cheers.
Cheers.
But I'm very happy, because I found something
that I think could be the greatest sale in the history of the company.
-Really? -Yes. Look, you know a bit about watches.
It's a Henri Robert from the 19th century. Did you see the dial?
-No? -Can I hold it?
-Are your hands clean? -Oh, screw you.
Winding arbor in the back. Yellow gold. Signed.
How much could you get for it?
I don't know,
but a watch like this will be put up for auction.
Maybe even at Sotheby's. But I could get a commission of 4,000.
Something like that. Not too bad.
-Excuse me. A Moscow Mule, please. -Sure.
I realize that he's getting more handsome.
We were having dinner with friends
and he was completely different.
Not just physically,
but his voice, his gestures.
He's giving off this energy I never knew he had.
I can see the way my girlfriends look at him.
Does that upset you?
I feel sad that he's with a woman like me.
What do you mean?
A woman who doesn't appreciate her husband's charm like she should.
Maybe, it's the opportunity to embrace your true identity.
I don't know if there's a name for it.
You'll never know if you don't try.
Seriously.
If I were, I would have done it.
-Maybe I'm asexual. -Or frustrated.
-Stop it. -No, I never will.
See you.
Kiss me. It doesn't cost a thing, one kiss.
It does. It costs a great deal.
Especially the first one.
See you soon.
By the way,
I forgot to ask you.
Did Alphonse get a new job?
What do you mean?
Look, it's not the same company.
"Well!" sighed the old lady "Am I still desirable?"
"It would be extraordinary And unexpected, quite frankly"
The judge thought, impassively "To be taken for a female monkey
That's quite impossible" But what followed proved him wrong
Watch out for the gorilla!
Again.
Put yourself in the position Of being an ape, having to
Choose between a judge or an old lady...
Yes!
...or both?
If I have this choice to make
At some point in the future
I am sure the old lady Would be the one I'd choose.
I'm coming.
Watch out for the gorilla!
I'll ask around, but I think he took all his stuff.
Magali, did your predecessor leave anything in the drawers?
-A fountain pen? -Black and silver.
-Black and silver? -No, I don't think so, there was nothing.
No, sorry. How is he?
They were rough on him.
Come here.
-You wanted to see us? -Yes.
Now that my husband has departed, it's time to clean house.
-Excuse me? -Yes.
I know everything that went on here.
Those who refused to sleep with that pig
can stay.
The others, I thank them. They did a great job.
Carlo?
Sorry, ma'am.
If I were you, I'd sell up and go live in Rome.
I don't like that you're so remote.
You have a life, people to meet.
My best years are behind me.
I have enough memories to keep me company.
More would be indecent.
Come on, Mom.
We all knew you weren't happy with Dad.
You hid it as best as you could, but we're not stupid.
Why assume I'm talking about your father?
I've had many lives.
Jacques, my love.
I know you will be a good father
and that you will find the right words
to explain my absence to him.
Let me put it up.
I'm not "handicaped."
"Handicapped."
Do you think it looks terrible?
I think you like it.
It's the village where I grew up.
Will you take me there?
No, I don't think so.
The people there are stupid.
Laura?
I hope you have a wonderful life.
I send you all my love.
Tell me about your mother.
It's all very blurry.
I remember a very beautiful woman.
More beautiful than any other.
-You never tried to find her? -No.
I thought she wouldn't like that.
Until recently, I thought she had run away.
Why would she have run away?
Because I was a bit stupid.
Or not good-looking.
Not like her.
Not like you.
Do you want me to give birth in the car?
The clinic is two miles away. I'd like to get there before I miscarry.
There are red lights.
Drive through them! You coward.
-Shit! It's coming. -What?
Drive, fast!
You're hurting me!
-Stop. -Don't stop!
-Take your hand off. -Never.
Second on the right.
What will we name it?
Shit. Fuck.
You do the talking.
Hello.
This is PS-08 to TN-08, for two background checks.
Is this your vehicle?
It's a car. Do you ever talk like normal people?
-Martha. Sorry about her. -Look, ma'am.
Call me Martha, I'll give you everything you want
even the car registration.
-Are you a ministry employee? -Yes.
And the guy who was driving?
He's my chauffeur.
Quite the racer.
Yes, honey, I'll be there on time.
No, I'll be there. Love you.
We'll let you go this time.
Why?
I ask him to drive through all the red lights
-and I don't even get a fine? -Okay...
-Quite a character. -Tell me about it.
-Can I go? -Yes, this time.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
Where are you going?
Alphonse!
-Hello? -Yes, hello?
Sorry, I wanted to know if you had a gap
between 8:00 and 10:00 p.m.
-Sorry, Margot's godmother's coming over. -And?
She wants me to get to know her better.
Okay. Take care.
Yeah, take care.
-Hi. -There you are.
Françoise was just saying
that I used to take shits in the bath until I was six.
-It seems a bit old, right? -Yes.
Do you remember my godmother?
You met her at the wedding.
Sure.
It was a long time ago.
A long time ago. Hello.
-He's gotten very skinny. -Thanks to me.
For a while, he was...
If I remember correctly,
you mostly talked with his father.
-He hit on you. -Really?
I don't remember.
You're a tease.
Okay, let's eat.
Do you still live in Grandpa's old apartment?
I've been there more than 30 years.
The decor's quite old, you have no idea.
It's stuck in its prime.
Like me.
-Will you serve? -Sure.
-Françoise. -Yes, please. I'm hungry.
Françoise used to work for my grandparents.
What did you do?
Some cleaning, some cooking.
If I remember correctly,
Grandpa helped your mother during the war.
-Exactly. -Is that right?
He really took care of us.
We're forever grateful.
Now that you're older, I can tell you a secret.
Back then, your grandfather was young
and I had a crush on him.
-Grandpa? -Yes!
I've always liked older men.
You wouldn't understand.
-Your tray. -Ladies and gentlemen.
We are beginning our descent.
Please return to your seats and fasten your seat belts.
There are clear skies over Paris with a temperature of 22 degrees.
Your hand luggage must be stored under the seat in front of you
or in the overhead compartment.
He was quite authoritarian.
That's what you call it? He was boorish.
He would treat Grandma like shit.
Maybe he was a hero, but he was also an ass.
We can't judge him, it was another time.
That I don't miss.
If my husband spoke to me that way, I'd throw a plate at him.
That would be wrong.
It's delicious.
-Potatoes? -Yes.
No, we're done.
-Leave it, I'll do it. -Are you serious?
It's Thursday, we have a schedule.
We take turns, one day each.
I'll help him anyway.
Care for some Armagnac?
Your Alphonse is lovely.
A bit tense, but handsome.
You should help him relax.
It wouldn't hurt.
-Sorry. -What's up with you?
I'm sorry.
Sorry about that.
He got assaulted last month,
injuries everywhere, so he doesn't like being touched.
Really?
-Françoise. -Yes.
-Thank you. -Here.
Your taxi is here. Right outside.
Will you walk her out?
Really? You don't want to...
Get home safely. It was nice to see you.
You, too.
Let's not wait another 15 years to do it again.
-Sure. -Promise?
It's now or never to spend time with me.
Okay, let's go.
Yes.
You didn't recognize me?
How could I? You were a fat pig.
You didn't recognize me, either.
How could I? You were beautiful.
Be good to Margot.
She can never know what you do behind her back.
-Are you lecturing me? -Yes.
I'm not lying to anyone.
Be careful. What goes around, comes around.
You're such a pervert.
What now?
-You let me sleep with her godmother? -She blows you.
-So you knew. -No, I didn't.
I remembered when you said you were having dinner together.
I wanted to tell you, but...
-But what? -I didn't dare.
-You smoke now? -I feel terrible.
Put that out.
I'm sure you knew.
Money comes first.
-Right? -Put that out.
Don't you fucking realize
that you have no morals?
Morals. What are they?
Bourgeois notions of fidelity to a wife who doesn't love you anymore?
Or giving pleasure to women who no longer get any?
We're doing some good, my son.
We're filling the last pages of their private diary.
Please shut up. Spare me your claptrap.
Do you realize
that she may have wiped my wife's ass?
Gave her feeding bottles?
Taught her to say her first words?
That's wonderful.
-What? -You're being grateful.
No, leave it. I'll go. I have to walk.
You can walk?
Yes, I can walk. Disappointed?
-Be careful. -Yeah.
-Out of the way. -What do you want?
Let me in or I'll kill you.
-What's going on? -Who are you?
Who are you?
Open. Open your mouth.
Look at me. You son of a bitch.
I don't know what you do with her money,
but go there again and I'll fucking waste you.
Your brains will fly across the planet. Understand what I'm saying?
I know your wife, I know where you live.
I don't want to see your fucking gold-digging ass again.
Did you fucking get that?
What the fuck is this?
Dad. Are you okay?
Are you okay? I called the police.
-No! -No!
-Don't do that. -Why?
-I saw the guy. -Call back.
Say it was a mistake.
-Okay. -I'll see you tomorrow.
-Okay? -Great.
Come here. Up we go.
Come on. Easy.
-Sit down. -I can't go fast.
There.
Sit there.
There.
You called me "Dad."
Creative Supervisor Alain Martinossi