What up, fam?! It's the first day
back at Fairfax Middle School,
and the car pool red carpet is popping!
I'm your host, Jules. With me, as always,
is the flawless 'Manda. How was your summer, girl?
Pretty litty!
Yep, my sister went to rehab, so I got the upstairs room.
Save it for your Snap Story, bitch,
'cause here comes Derica, Benny and Truman.
- [cheering] - Ah, these fits.
So playful. So gritty. So brave.
['Manda] Derica and Benny are pretty chill,
but Truman can go fuck himself for not inviting me
to his go-kart birthday party.
Had to find out about it on Insta like a peasant.
[chuckles] Sorry to cut you off again, 'Manda,
- but no one gives a shit. - [engine revving]
And OMG, there's mega influencer Melody Harper.
Givenchy from head to toe.
Leave it to Melody
to push the boundaries of school attire.
- So chic. So bold. So brave. - [boy] Melody!
Melody, please, notice me!
[Jules] [laughs] Classic zap.
Anyway, we got another car pulling up.
Who's this now, Miss 'Manda?
Ladies and gentlemen, we have got a new student, uh...
Kip, where the hell is the card for this kid?
- Dale Rubin, and... Oh, my God. - [record scratches]
Yep, he's kissing his dad on the lips.
Someone put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger.
[chuckles] I am in shock!
Showing up as a total fucking loser
on the first day of school?
Now, that is brave.
♪ Oh... ♪
- ♪ Waitin' for the... ♪ - ♪ Drop ♪
- ♪ Waitin' for... ♪ - ♪ The drop ♪
- ♪ Waitin' for the ♪ - ♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Waitin' for the ♪♪
- [whistle blows] - [girl whoops]
[grunting]
[girl screams]
Lights out, fish!
[grunts] Damn, Derica!
Prisonball is just a game.
Dale! Moneyball!
- Center court! - On it. [panting]
- [♪ All-4-One: "I Swear"] - Whoa.
- ♪ And I swear ♪ - ♪ I swear ♪
♪ By the moon and the stars ♪
♪ In the sky ♪
- ♪ I'll be there ♪ - ♪ I'll be there ♪
♪ I swear ♪♪
Hey. New kid, right? I'm Lily.
Dale. I just moved here from Oregon.
No way. My fam always vacays in Bend.
Ugh, we love skiing
- at Mount Bachelor. Yes! - Mount Bachelor.
- [laughs] Do you mind if I, uh...? - Mm-hmm.
Thanks. [chuckles]
- [kids laugh] - Gotcha! [chuckles]
[Derica] Damn it, Dale!
You walked right into that thirst trap.
Hey! I saw that, Louis! Over the line!
Guys, I think I'm in love.
Bruh, it's the first day of seventh grade,
and you already wifed up?
I'm gonna ask her if she wants to go hiking this weekend
since you guys never want to come.
It's nothing personal, Dale. Nature just fucking sucks.
[fire alarm ringing]
- [blows whistle] - Everyone! Get your asses
to the auditorium right now!
[indistinct chatter]
Penis!
[laughs] All right, you got me. Settle down, now.
Now, normally I don't condone pulling the fire alarm,
but today, we have what we call
a social media emergency.
In my 38 years of tenured education,
I have never been this excited.
Fairfax Middle School's
very own wellness influencer, Melody Harper,
has just been verified on Instagram,
- y'all! - [cheering] - [whistle blowing]
[playing upbeat march]
Hey, guys, what's "verified" mean?
Dude, it's like the Nobel Prize but for dopeness.
- [band stops playing] - That's right,
I'm offish verified!
And to celebrate the best day of my life,
I'm throwing a pool party
at the mansion I just bought with my YouTube money.
- [cheering] - Lucky for you guys,
my parents are making me invite the whole school.
[cheering continues]
Holy shit.
[chuckles] Oh, honey, cancel our plans on Saturday.
I said cancel them, woman!
My best friends at Nabisco and Puma will be cosponsoring.
There's gonna be installations, activations and makeup stations.
[screams]
Think of the gift bags, man!
We're going to Melody's house?! Oh, my God.
- I got to figure out what I'm gonna wear. - [Melody] Now,
obviously, I don't want losers and millennials coming,
so I'm implementing a 100-follower minimum to get in.
So get your suits and spray tans ready, y'all,
'cause this party's gonna be lit as fuck.
- [cheering] - [feedback screeches]
Y'all heard the girl.
100 followers or you ain't getting in.
♪ Let's go ♪♪
Hey, Dale.
You going to Melody's pool party this weekend?
Hey. Hi. Uh, of course.
I totally have a hundred followers.
They're the best, so...
Sweet. What's your handle? I'll follow you.
My handle? My handle is, um...
You know, it's funny you should ask.
- I'm actually between handles right now. - [Cody laughs]
What's going on, babe? I thought about you
all friggin' Spanish class.
- Quick selfie! - [camera clicks]
You must be Dale. I saw you kiss your dad
in the car pool line this morning.
I just want you to know I love my dad, too.
Cody Herschiser. Leader of The Triangle.
We have 25,000 subscribers cross-platform.
Thank you.
That's Shu. This is Cubby.
Our crew was founded on three pillars:
pranks, trick shots and a charitable component.
Shu, why don't you give 'em a taste!
[exclaiming]
[coos] What the fuck!
[Cody] What the hell?
And boom!
We just donated 20 bucks to Planned Parenthood
- in your name. - Whoa.
The charitable component.
Pretty awesome, huh? And it's a tax write-off.
Come on, babe. We're gonna be late for English.
I am super psyched to unpack The House on Mango Street.
Bye, Dale. See you at Melody's.
[panting] Guys, code red.
It's an emergency.
I don't have a hundred followers.
I don't even have Instagram.
I told Lily I'd see her at Melody's party.
If I don't get a hundred followers,
she's gonna think I'm a giant loser,
she'll never fall in love with me,
and we'll never birth a baby deer together.
Man, I could get you to a hundred followers, a'ight?
Shit, I mean, I could get you to 250 if we being real.
But if you gonna do this, you got to commit, a'ight?
I'm talkin' Daniel-Day-Dale-Rubin commit.
Anything you say, Tru.
- Just one scoop of gravy today, Nan. - One scoop?
Come on, Benny, I've seen you drink gravy
from a Gatorade bottle. What's going on?
I'm just sick and tired
of being the only fat kid at the pool party.
Everyone's gonna be so hot and naked,
and I'm gonna look like a glazed turducken.
Look, as an ambassador of self-love,
I think you look incredible.
But if you're serious about getting into shape,
I'll put you on my Dericaerobics cleanse.
It focuses on the inside as much as it does the out.
Like a bidet for the soul.
I'm in.
Then it's settled. Truman's gonna get Dale
up to 100 followers,
and I'm gonna get Benny down to 100 pounds.
[whispers] You're gon' be my masterpiece.
A'ight, so, if we're gonna get you
to a hundred followers, you're gonna need a persona.
Why can't I just be myself?
No offense, but don't nobody give a shit
about regular old Dale, bro.
[chuckles] We gonna have to spice you up a little bit.
Like, a lot, a bit. Okay, first,
you're gonna need a dope handle, right?
Peep my shit.
TruStories69.
It combines my love of cinema
with my love of sixty-nining.
Or check out my profile,
@TacoBoutChange, 'cause I love tacos
and I'm all about that change.
How's that sweat suit going, Benny?
Full-on wood-fire pizza oven in here.
[exhales] Show 'em my profile, Tru.
@1YungHyung. My brand
is gangster shoe salesman.
Three hundred and twenty-one followers.
Holler at your fucking boy.
So, what's your handle gonna be?
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, no pressure. Just chill. Just chill.
Wait. Wait. No pressure. All right.
But it does have to encapsulate your entire vibe.
[sputters] Geez, that's a toughie. Uh...
I mean, I like hiking, and my name is Dale, so...
Yo, I got it. I got it.
It's irreverent, it's iconic,
and, best of all, it's available.
Congratulations, Dale.
- You're officially @BigPeenz! - Wow,
my first handle. Now what do we do?
Now we just need a fire profile pic.
Step into my office, playboy.
- I got a flex for that. - Whoa.
♪ I make the club go viral, I got ♪
♪ Bitches by the boatload...
No way. Are these all yours?
[scoffs] You think this is a fucking game?
This is just the stash my parents know about.
All right, check it. The Yeezy 2 "Red Octobers."
A crimson high-top with a strap that screams ankle support.
- Go ahead. Whiff the rubber bouquet, son. - [sniffs]
Mmm, rubbery.
Honestly, I'm not gon' lie,
these might be a little too fire for my boy.
You right, you right. We got to take it down a notch.
Something more Dale.
♪ But they got their hands up...
Here we are. [grunts]
The "Jason Kidd" Air Zoom Flight 95s
in black and purple.
The Golden Oreo of shoes.
♪ I got bitches by the boatload ♪
♪ Eeny, meeny, miney...
Filter the shit out of it.
♪ And my niggas, we're the shit, though ♪
♪ Lit, we lit, we lit ♪♪
Congratulations, Dale. You now have followers.
I'm glad yours is working. I'm still husky.
That was just your water weight. I got you, bruh.
Phase two starts now.
Welcome to Gorp, aka...
heaven. My go-to spot for fair-trade asparagus,
CBD nasal spray and all your séance needs.
Hey, Derica. Namaste.
Hey, Juniper. This is my friend Benny.
He needs a super-cleanse.
- [knuckles pop] - Hell, yeah.
Blessings, Benny.
Thank you for trusting me with your wellness walkabout.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! What is that? - [scanner beeps, buzzes]
[gasps] I've never seen anything like this.
He's 80% marinara.
How many lunar cycles do we have to lose the weight?
- Three days. - Okay.
This is Devil's Bunk Bed. Little special sauce
I picked up during my silent retreat in Burma.
It may cause temporary blindness,
but it's guaranteed to put some acai in your bowl.
Guys, something weird is happening!
- [Juniper laughs] - [Derica] Yes!
That's Anubis fighting your fat energy.
[bleats]
[vocalizing]
[groaning]
[farts]
[bleats]
One pound?!
Yes.
That'll be $342.
Yeah, Tru,
I don't really understand.
How is this supposed to get me followers?
The more artsy, the better, bro.
- [screams, grunts] - Just look at our highbrow king,
French-Canadian auteur Denis Villeneuve.
- Who? - Man,
of course you don't know Denis.
Bro, he's the artsiest director ever.
Sicario. Dune!
Come on, dawg.
There were, like, ten lines in Blade Runner,
but that shit looked hot as hell,
and now Denis has three million followers.
Yeah, but I'm not artsy.
You don't got to be artsy, okay?
You just got to have people think you're artsy, all right?
Do you want Lily to like you or not?
Okay, okay. Post it.
[heart beating]
More. I need more, man.
Then we got to go even artsier.
D, that Bunk Bed shot didn't do shit,
the party's tomorrow, and I'm still chubby as fuck.
Okay, you're right. Hard pivot.
I'm putting you on the same workout regimen
Beyoncé used to lose her baby weight.
Now we're talking.
Welcome to kayaking class, bitch!
[whoops] Loving all the positive paddle-tudes.
Okay, let's stay in a safe line until we hit Dodger Stadium.
After that, we're gonna hit a few class twos
and then a meaty class four right around Skid Row.
- [whoops] - [Benny grunting]
Oh, shit.
Come on, Benny. Keep up.
This shit is harder than it looks, and I'm soaked.
One, two, dawg. You got this.
Okay. Here we go.
We're doing it. Feeling the burn!
[Leslie] Skid Row rapids are coming up!
[panting] Derica, check me out!
I'm a white person!
Whoa! [grunts]
[screams]
Benny, wait!
After you clear the rapids, veer left
- to avoid the needles! - Oh, fuck.
[groans] I don't feel so good.
The follower dam is about to break, Dale.
We 'bout to do a time-lapse
of you painting a mural of the lunch lady
using only cafeteria food.
[Italian accent] Picasso meetsa pepperoni.
- [Dale humming] - Yes, Dale.
Yes. Feel the sauce between your fingers, Dale.
- Yes, bro. - The hell are you guys doing?
- You smearing 'ronis all over the goddamn wall. - [screams]
[gasps in slow motion]
[in slow motion] No!
- You guys, lunch lady's got a pizza face! - [laughter]
Hey, no! What is y'all doing?
This is not artsy!
This shit is not it!
[girl] Hey, new kid, what's your Insta?
@BigPeenz! Holler at your boy!
[phones chiming]
♪ ♪
♪ We outta here ♪
♪ Let me see you take off, take off ♪
♪ Let me see you take off ♪
♪ Take off, let me see you take off, take off ♪
♪ Let me see you take off ♪
♪ We outta here ♪♪
Hey, pass the broccoli,
- would you, pal? - [chuckles] Oh, you bet.
- [grunts] - [laughs] Boom! Yes!
Surprise! Pizza in the broc!
- Pew, pew, pew, pew! - Oh, what the heck, Dale?
I just got a haircut.
Big Peenz strikes again.
What's gotten into you, wasting food like that?
You better pick up all that broccoli.
[scoffs, laughs] Okay, that's rich.
I don't have to listen to you. You're not even my real mom.
Oh, you bet your ass I am.
And just for that, you not getting dessert.
Oh, you mean the cobbler you baked?
Dad, why don't you do me a favor and check your slippers.
Oh, holy mackerel.
There's peach cobbler in my slippy dips.
- Come on! - Double boom!
You just got slipper cobbler'd!
- #SlipperCobbler. - Oh, that's enough.
You better get your ass to bed, Dale. You trippin'.
Yeah. Trippin' out of control, D-bone.
And don't you even think about going to bed
without brushing your teeth.
I got a hundo followers, Trini.
I don't need to brush shit!
- [door closes] - Mmm.
That is a great slipper cobbler, babe.
[indistinct chatter]
Well, Fair-fuck me.
It's a beautiful day, and the sun is flexing
on Melody's verified pool party
as influencers from all social platforms arrive.
Who are you excited to see, 'Manda?
Honestly, no one.
My dads told me they're getting a divorce last night,
and I am pretty shook. Oh, my God!
It's Big Peenz!
Give it to me straight, Tru.
- How do I look? - Emaciated.
Uh, shcapow, 117.
- No way! - Oh, my God.
- Yas! - [♪ Sirah: "Popt the Bubblegum"]
♪ Gold dripping from my necklace ♪
♪ The coasts we coast ♪
♪ Losing all perspective ♪
♪ The nights we toast ♪
♪ Hold it up to treasure ♪
♪ And don't you know, I-I ♪
- ♪ Popped the bubblegum... - Holy moly.
It's like Raging Waters fucked a Soho House.
Yo, look, a Wheat Thin wall!
[chuckles] Whoa, diving board on the roof!
Check it, Quattro. Free lip kits, baby.
Pigeon, please. You ain't got no damn lips.
[imitates tires screeching] Puma brought a Puma?
- [all gasp] - [chuckles] Cheese!
Bobo, here. Peace sign.
- Oh, shit! Bobo the god. - Oh! - Tight.
[sniffs] Oh, my God.
Jamón carving station.
You should have a bite, Benny.
You're starting to look like E.T.
No way.
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.
Yo, Dale, look. There's Lily.
[laughs]
Take it from a true gentleman, bro.
Puncture her float. She'll start drowning.
Then you resuscitate her back to life,
and boom! You're a hero.
Or you could bring her, like, a big bowl of rice with...
[hiccups] ...uh, some Pedialyte.
Yeah. Thanks for the advice, guys,
but Big Peenz has got this covered.
Truman, what did you do to him?
I think I created a mon... Oh, my God.
It's Denis Villeneuve!
[exhales sharply] All right. I'm-a pitch him
Untitled Shit Project. Wish me luck.
I'm gonna go check out the buffet
and, who knows, maybe run into Melody,
become her muse, have a sleepover.
[chuckles] I don't know. Um, you gonna be okay alone?
[slurring] Don't worry about me, Tru.
I'm gonna change into my bathing suit
and give this new bod
the grand entrance it deserves.
Someone tell the theater kids to get the camera ready!
Yo, yo, yo! What up, Lil?
What'd you think of my last Big Peenz vid?
Pretty dope. Pizza rules.
Oh, hey. Uh... sure, yeah.
- It was fun. - Check it out.
Pizza in my pockets.
- Deep-dish. - Ew.
How long has that been in there?
Couple hours. I also have buffalo wings in my fanny.
Might drop 'em in the hot tub later,
might not. We'll play it by ear.
Yeah, I don't really know what to say.
That's really weird of you, Dale.
- I thought you were different. - I am different.
I'm Big Peenz, baby.
I have over a hundred followers.
Right. Okay, you know,
I think I'm gonna go check out the Puma station.
- Come on, you guys. Let's go. - Wait, wait, no, don't go.
I, uh, I have something super big planned for you.
I-It's, like, my biggest peen yet.
So j-just stay here, okay?
[indistinct chatter]
[Derica] Whoa.
[indistinct whispering]
[gasps]
Melody Harper,
the League of Super Lit Verified Sosh-Meed Monks
grants you true influencer status
as we brand you
with our official "V" rare check mark.
[crying] Stop it. My foundation is caking.
Oh, shit!
Who the hell are you?
[chuckles] Oh, hey, Melody. I-I'm Der...
I don't care! Get the hell out of my verification ceremony.
No! Get off of me. Melody!
[sniffs] Oh, God, that smells good.
And the camera lyrically sweeps
to land on a bootyhole.
[Weston] [chuckles] Hey there, Benny.
Principal Weston? Am I hallucinating,
- or is your wife bomb as fuck? - [Mrs. Weston chuckles]
Nah, you see straight. She fine as hell.
But wait, she doesn't mind that you're a little thicc?
- My dude, she love the belly. - Mm-hmm.
[beeping rapidly]
Oh, my God!
[whimpers, exhales]
Yo! Big Peenz is about to jump off the roof
with pizza in his hands!
[partygoers gasp, cheering]
[grunts]
You've got this, Big Peenz.
Lily, this is for you!
Big Peenz!
Oh, my God, my eye! I'm allergic to chlorine!
- [Bobo growls] - Bobo. Not again, Bobo!
- [Bobo snarling] - No, no, no! No, no, no, no!
No, no, no! [screaming]
No, no, no, no, no!
[groans]
- Cody! - [groans]
What did you do, Dale?
I'm dying, and it's all your fault.
I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to kill you at all.
I-I just wanted to impress Lily
and be a cool prank influencer like you.
- [coughing] - Oh, God, what have I done?
But you didn't even have
a charitable component.
[exhales]
[Dale sobs]
And that's why you never mess with The "Trian-glay."
- [laughs] - [partygoers gasp]
Got you, Dale.
You're alive?
Boom. Suck it, Dale.
Oh, no.
[chanting] Big Peenz Pizza Face!
Big Peenz Pizza Face! Big Peenz Pizza Face!
- Big Peenz Pizza Face! - [laughs] Now, that's what I call
- a prank vid. - [Dale] No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
My precious followers! How'd you do it?
A magician never reveals his secrets.
Fuck it!
Poof! The chlorine in the eye? That was all Cubby.
The Wheat Thin? All Shu, baby.
And Bobo the Puma and I have done,
- like, ten videos together. - [growls]
You got to check out his LinkedIn.
It's insane.
Wow. You guys really are prank lords.
I'm so sorry I tried to jack your style.
Ah, it's okay, Dale.
Pranking just isn't your brand. It's ours.
You got to find your own lane and be true to yourself.
Speaking of which,
we planted a tree in the Canadian wilderness
in your name. Hopefully, like this tree,
you can grow into your true self.
You know, Cody's right, Dale.
I was going about this all wrong.
Skinny isn't my brand, man. Fat is.
DJ Khaled, Lizzo, Rick Ross.
The biggest influencers
are literally the biggest influencers.
I shouldn't have been losing weight, man.
I should've been gaining weight.
Oh, I'm proud of you, Benny.
Being true to yourself is, like, the most body-posi move.
Bravo, Cody. That was amazing.
I don't get it, Denis. I thought you was, like, super highbrow.
Ah, Truman, sometimes the lowest of brows
can be the highest of brows.
The opening of Blade Runner was a nine-minute trick shot.
I also love les mozzarella sticks
- and corn dogs. - Oui, bro, oui.
You just blew my mind.
The three of you need to leave immediately.
Especially the loser with zero followers.
Melody, you know me.
Girl, we're in Algebra together.
- No, stop it. Let me go! - What? - Shit!
Truman, how would you like to come PA for me
on the set of Dune 2?
Denis, I would love to keep linking and building,
but my friends are having a branding crisis
and they really need my help, so I got to dip.
Hey there.
What's up to my zero followers.
Just want to say I'm officially changing my handle.
Big Peenz is dead. From now on,
you can catch me @DalesTrailz for science projects,
fire hiking tips and nature vids.
Good night, Instagram.
[chuckles] No one wishes Instagram good night, you noob.
You know what you kids could use? Some dessert.
Awesome. Thanks, Mom.
Mmm. Yeah, this cobbler's fire as fuck, Ms. Rubin.
- [phone chimes] - Guys, look.
My first real follower. [gasps]
And it's Lily!
- Hey! - Big pimpin'! - Oh, what?!
My work here is done.
Now that Lily's following you, pressure's on.
You got to keep up with the hot content.
I think you mean that hot "Dale-tent."
Get ready for it, guys,
'cause there's a storm a-coming. Oh!
Do you think Lily wants to see my rainstick?
Hey, Tru, film this.
- Rainstick dunk! - [Derica] Hey! - [Truman] Hey,
- bro. - [whoops] - You got it, baby!
- Kobe! - Gee, the Internet's gonna eat him alive.
- Should we tell him? - Nah. - From way downtown,
- LeBron. - Just let him have this.
Look at this John Stockton-ass bitch
trying to make it rain.
There you go, running your damn mouth again.
Now where we gonna sleep, huh?
♪ The block is hot ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The block is hot ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The block is hot ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The block is hot ♪♪
Chirp.