-
- Yo! - Woah!
Good morning, Fairfax!
How we doing this beautiful Monday morning?
Is everyone living for the Busla?
It's the coolest!
The school board tried to talk me out of it,
but with zero down and 22% APR,
Westy didn't have a choice.
Now I know old people are a bummer,
but our yearly trips
to Fairfolks Assisted Living Facility
literally keeps these people alive.
So don't forget to hand
your signed service forms in at the end of the day
to prove you connected with an old head.
Okay, quick roll call.
- Who is following me on the Gram? -
Today's gonna be so cool.
I can't wait to connect with an old soul.
Bruh, old people are the worst.
They're cheap as shit, have bad memories,
and have crusty-ass breath.
What? Old people are the cherry blossoms of society, Benny.
Fragile in their beauty and worth cherishing before they go.
I only have room in my heart for my moms
and the hustle. Right, Tru?
Yeah, I'm with lil D on this one.
I've been trying to finish Untitled Shit Project
for so long I just can't see it clearly anymore.
Today's a great opportunity to hone my craft.
I'm-a find a old person with a dope-ass story
and help them write the perfect third act.
Spoiler alert, Spielberg.
Everyone fucking dies.
- Oh, come on with this shit!
Hey, back from the gym.
It's your boy, Sean!
Hey there. From my heart into your living room, I'm Shawn.
And me, I do things a little differently.
I'm Shaun, but a girl.
Together we're...
Seans of Sunset.
Do you think Shaun's gonna hook up with Sean or Shawn?
- Man! I thought you was off Melody.
Bruh, please. Look, I'm Jill Scott.
Living my life like it's golden.
Besides I get to meet my hero
Gloria Alvaro today.
Who? - You guys,
before Cesar Chavez was a street,
he was an activist, and a block over
from Cesar Chavez Boulevard
is Gloria Alvaro Way.
Yo, you're hyped about a bike lane?
She is a side street.
We're here!
Welcome to Fairfolks.
Wow, look at all those wrinkles! - They're so old!
Oh, my God!
Man, fuck this place.
-
Shotty the dude with no legs!
Why, hello there, young lady.
Would you please point me in the direction
- of the recreation room? - Certainly.
Aah, there she is!
Hola, Señora Alvaro.
It's such an honor to meet you.
I'm Derica. Your biggest fan.
Then the honor is mine, chica.
The work you did with the Montecito
Grapefruit Farmer's Union inspired me
and my friends to unionize against our parents.
Damn, I know you can't rush the creative process,
but I got to find my star quick!
Mm, nah.
Nope. Boring.
Hold up.
Oh,
this man has lived!
- Sir, it would be such an honor to collab with you today. - Ooh!
- My name's Truman. - Truman.
That is a hot name, very presidential.
Bernie Schwartz, at your service.
If you don't mind, I'd like to jump right in.
How did war change you?
That's a little too funky for me.
Yeah, I'm much more of a Perry Como man.
I'm so sorry, sir, uh, let me re-phrase.
How many wars have you fought in?
Oh, yeah-- zip.
Flat feet. Can't march.
So, you're not a war hero
filled with bittersweet regret?
Bittersweet regret? Sure.
But war hero? Eh, not so much.
Uh-huh, that's cool.
Okay, I'm gonna be right back.
Yo P-Dub, you think I could trade up?
This guy ain't it.
I'm looking for somebody with more star power.
That depends, Truman.
- Can I get a quick follow? - Come on, man.
It's social suicide. You know that.
Then enjoy your sad bastard.
Man, even the vending machines are old.
The fuck is Medamucil?
Hold up, I saw those same Hush Puppies
sell for two hundo on Grailed yesterday.
Wait a second.
Vintage Hermes Belt?
Swag.
24-karat Versace sunnies?
Swag!
Louis V. trunks?
Swagoo!
Of course!
Old people have old shit.
This place is a fashion gold mine.
I'm gonna swag the fuck out!
Who is that?
That's Albert.
Well, your boy Albert's wearing
1886 raw selvedge denim red tab Levi's.
I get my hands on those jeans
and my kids are gonna be born verified.
And that is a Connect Four.
You're pretty good at this game, kid.
Anybody ever tell you you're special?
You bet.
My mom and dad make sure I hear it every single day.
Call me Uncle Mendy.
I'd love to.
Always happy to add another unk to the roster.
Dale, why don't you join me in the player's lounge downstairs?
I think you'll find the competition to be of...
higher caliber.
Wow. Sounds great, Uncle Mendy.
Wait, how'd you know my name?
You've been arrested 22 times
for civil disobedience. I'd love to make today
number 23. Here are some protest ideas
- in ascending order from... - You're a fiery little thing, aren't you?
- Come, now. Sit. - Oh, you're right.
Posters first, then we break out.
I brought blank signs, markers, Molotov cocktails.
Ay! Cálmate, mija. My favorite show is on.
- Ooh! Is it a four-part docu-series
about a little-known genocide narrated by Idris Elba?
Oh, it's a docu-series all right.
This is your favorite show?
Do I hear Seans? Oh, my God, freaking love.
You're on PST now-- Pacific Sean Time!
Aah! I love it!
You're literally my new idol.
But wait!
I thought we were going to...
One more episode,
then we topple the patriarchy.
Okay, Bern, your favorite color is beige,
you find music distracting
and you spent your entire career
doing security for a cotton ball factory.
Bingo bango, that's me.
Damn, B. You're like if oatmeal was a person.
We got to add some more brown sugar to this shit.
- Wait a minute.
Was that the longing sigh of a protagonist
in search of love? I think it was.
Well, between you and me,
- it's been a while. - Oh!
We just found your third act, B.
I'm Hitch and you're Paul Blart.
You're a hopeless romantic and I'm the expert
who teaches you how to mack-- it's a perfect story.
And I'm finally gonna finish something.
Oh, what was that?
Venezuelan pee-pee pill.
In 90 minutes my average-sized penis is gonna be rock hard.
Ticking clock.
Love where your head's at. Let's do this!
Yo, you ever fuck with one of those boner pills, Quattro?
Nah, nah. My boy Derise took one and he exploded!
Aite, B, we just got to find you a match.
I'm not really sure how anybody did it
before dating apps, so we just gonna swipe IRL.
When you see somebody you like, swipe right.
If you want to ditch her, swipe left.
How about...
that old lady over there?
Blech! Left.
Fine. Aite.
Ooh. Wait.
How about that chick with the fire curls?
Christ, no.
I've seen better legs on furniture.
Hold up B-Dawg, am I detecting a hint of savage-ness?
Excuse me, sir.
I have standards.
Well, look, bro, it's time to lower them.
You're a straight-up egg on legs.
You look like Humpty Dumpty's ugly brother, Bob Dumpty.
Whoa! Go right!
Go right! R-I-G-H-T.
Damn, bro.
Elegant choice.
Who's this?
That's Joyce, the new girl.
One night at Pechanga with her
and I will die a happy man.
Shit, if my man says she's the one,
she's the one.
Hello there.
I'm but an innocent middle-schooler
collecting clothing donations for a good cause.
Oh, goody. I've got some bags.
Yeah, no.
I'm only collecting raw denim.
There's a shortage in... Paraguay.
It's super sad.
Raw denim, hmm, hmm?
Afraid I got nothing for you, then.
Okay, guess I'll be on my... Wait a minute.
Just noticing your jeans, sir.
Um, they'd be perfect for the little...
Paraguayanosies?
These? My 1886 Levi's red tabs?
Oh, my God! Is that what they are?
Not a chance, kid.
I built the Golden Gate Bridge in these jeans.
I got married in these jeans.
And I'm gonna die in these jeans.
Sir. Please. If not for me,
do it for all those poor Pellegrinos.
Okay, wait a second.
I think I have another pair lying around here somewhere.
Psych. Get the fuck out of here, you little bitch.
I'm not about to sugarcoat this shit.
We are punching above our weight class
and you need to level up.
That's what the pill is for.
That pill ain't gonna do anything until
we clean up the full package.
- Hey!
It's time for your makeover montage.
Are you psyched? Ooh!
This is always the best part of the rom-com.
I've only got one suit.
But I've got seven hats.
Hit 'em with the hat montage.
-
Hey, look at this-- I am a hottie.
You look sharp, Bern.
Now all we need is a big romantic gesture
to convince Joyce that you're her leading man.
As long as we do it fast.
We're about 30 minutes away from Pechanga time.
What'd I tell ya, Dale?
22-long, just like I said.
Disco!
How's the wife, baby?
- Ha ha! Man, she cool. -
And how's the girlfriend?
- Oh, ho, ho, ho! - Yeah.
After you, little man.
and your flag boy
- Holy smokes! - to your flag boy
fire," talking 'bout hey, now...
-
You like apple juice, Dale?
Sure you do.
Trish, two fingers of apple juice
for my boy Dale. Straight up.
The game is Connect Four, gentlemen.
- $1,000 chips. - Wait, what?!
Deal 'em up, baby!
Now, I know people say "less is more,"
but I'm more of a "more is more" kind of person.
I don't know, Truman.
This feels very risky.
Like love itself, B.
Now, let's go over the plan one more time.
You float up to Joyce's window,
hold the cards like I showed you, and then...
serenade her.
And then, boom--
you float down with a date.
And then it's Pechanga time, right?
Look, I'm gonna die soon,
and I'd like to get one of my nuts off.
This is about love, Bernie.
Listen to this, not that.
She's reading a dang periodical.
Oh, shit. Uh, quick,
pivot to the serenade.
- You thinking what I'm thinking? -
- Pop-pop, motherfucker! - Aah!
-
Face it, Truman, I am not cut out for this dame.
Let's quit while I'm still in one piece.
We can't quit, Bernie.
We need to finish this story.
I need to finish something.
Why can't I just ask her out like the good ol' days?
Huh. It's unconventional.
It's not very visual. But it just might work.
Great! I'm gonna tell her
that I'm gonna mash my face in her beaver.
All right, actually, B?
I'm just gonna take this one.
Does Sean know that I'm hooking up with Shaun?
No, but what Sean don't know
won't Shaun him.
- Shawn W. is a sloppy pandejo
and deserves everything that's coming to him.
You are such a bitch
and I am here for it. I got to share this
with my Harpsichords.
Gloria, this show is great--
I love it, can't get enough-- but it's 1:00 p.m.
- and we haven't done... - This place doesn't have TiVo, sweetie.
- Every word counts. -
Okay, make it quick.
You have until the end of this mesothelioma commercial.
I-It's just...
I called dibs on you today because I wanted
to torch Eric Garcetti's house.
Not sit around, watching a bunch of Seans.
Easy, Derica. If you don't take a breath every once in a while,
you'll burn yourself out.
But w-we-we want to change the world.
We can't take a day off. We have to grind!
We have to fight! We have to drop a diss track
with Malala and Noname on KCRW.
Life is about balance, mija.
You can't fill someone else's cup if yours is empty.
- Being verified is work, girl.
Who else is deeply stressed and needs a mask?
I've never tried one before.
Oh, yeah, I can tell.
No offense, but you have a lot of fine lines.
- You in? - Um, aren't these made with all sorts of impurities?
Don't be such a Sean B.
Face mask! Face mask! Face mask!
Oh, all right, all right.
Give me the one with the purifying hydrangea.
Afternoon, Albert. It's me, Kyle the orderly.
It's time for your sponge bath.
Yippee! Ha, ha.
Strip down. Pants off.
Oh, no. Check the chart.
I don't do legs.
I'm a top-only guy.
Son of a bitch.
Jesus, man.
Make sure you get
- under the skin tags, okay? -
Hi.
Hi. Uh, I'm Berman.
I mean, Trunie. I mean I'm here
to talk to you on behalf of that man, Bernie.
Bernie's a simple guy, and you're obviously
a very beautiful and sophisticated woman,
but it would be a dream come true
if he could just take you to dinner at whatever
bunk-ass cafeteria y'all eat at.
Okay.
Really? Damn!
That was so easy. Dinner's at 4:00.
No. No, no.
I didn't mean "okay" as in "yes."
I was processing.
If I'm being honest, I have some questions about his character.
And if I'm being honest, I really need this.
I-I... Uh, Bernie has the Truman stamp of approval.
You're gonna have a great time with him. It's my guarantee.
You're cute. Well, if you approve,
I'll give him a shot.
Oh, my God! Thank you so much.
I promise you, it's gone be the best date of your life.
One. A two. A three.
- Connect four, baby! -
Bee-boo, I'm a connecting machine.
Trish, get another round of apple juice, huh?
Doing great, Dale.
You got Agnes the Tooth next.
Child's play, Uncle Mendy.
I'll be done with her in six moves, tops.
Easy peasy lemon...
- You're taking a dive. - Squeeze me?
You worked up the odds, kid.
It's 40 to one against Agnes.
If she wins, the corner room
on the third floor is mine!
You want me to lose? But I have to connect four.
Look at me, kid.
You ain't connecting shit.
Albert, you lej, no more games.
The jeans are yours, man.
I'm simply here to propose a toast.
That's mighty kind of you.
Albert, five minutes to nap time.
To you, a true fashion O.G.
You're gonna have to do better than that, boy.
It's time for both our naps.
Nighty-night.
Yo, you think a little NyQuil can stop me?
Bro, I've been drinking lean since the fourth gra...
I got to say, you've got some BDE right now.
Some Big Diaper Energy.
I feel great. You did it, Truman.
I did do it, huh?
Hey, you know what, B?
We should collab more often.
What the fuck?
Even activists need me time.
BTW
Your old guy has
a massive boner.
Oh, Jesus!
-
Okay, there. Just remember everything we went over.
Listen, nod...
Don't mention Pechanga.
I got you.
Ah, bonjour, madame.
Right this way.
Oh, thank you.
My boy wasn't even a supporting character in his own life.
Now he's a rock-hard leading man.
I'm looking for a man named Bernie.
Have you seen him?
Uh, I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm Rose.
Bernie's wife.
Oh, damn!
Plot twist!
That was really refreshing.
Look, I'm sorry I was a little uptight earlier.
I'm still working on the whole relaxation thing.
You should really try knitting.
- I knit these, like, little hats -
for Syrian orphan babies. My therapist said it would,
like, help me cope with anxiety
and it's good for my brand, so...
You want to knit one?
OMG! Um, yeah.
I'm sorry. You can't go in there.
Somebody spilled their Jell-O and the floor is just...
You think you're Bernie's first little romance boy?
Schools come through here weekly.
Bernie always manages to find some poor sucker
to help him get laid.
Bernie has other directors in his life?
Bernard, a word.
Oh, boy.
Uh-uh! No, no, no, no, no.
You don't "oh, boy" her.
You "oh, boy" me, homie!
I gave you everything today!
Including my stamp of approval!
Oh, I don't just hand that out, man.
And I've had it up to here with your bull...
Actually, Rose, do you mind?
I just want to finish my thought really quick.
You know what I thought of you when we met?
Not much, bruh!
But we created something special.
And it really looked like we was about to stick the landing.
Our story meant something to me.
But I guess...
I guess it meant nothing to you.
Truman, you know I love you,
but you got a thick skull.
Life isn't a movie.
You can't force love.
You got to take what you can get when you can get it, buddy.
- Jesus, Bernie.
Oh, my God.
Ah, well, we might as well put your stupid ding-dong
- to use while we got it. - Pechanga time, baby!
- Do you want to go halfsies on this tuna?
Don't even think about it.
Chanel Number Five.
Swag.
That son of a bitch!!
All right, Albert, enough's enough!
Albert?
Albert! Oh, no.
- What have I done?! - Oh, honey.
Albert died peacefully in his sleep.
It was his time.
He was 139.
Yeah, that tracks.
May I have a moment alone with the departed?
You were my greatest foe, Albert.
Without you, the hustle just won't be the same.
Goodbye, Albert.
Goodbye, sick-as-fuck jeans.
Air it out, old man. You earned it.
Oh, wait.
Just sign that.
I got to say, Joyce, if this is what you look like now,
I'd kill to see what you looked like when you were 13.
More cranberry juice?
I hear it helps to prevent old people UTIs.
Truman, you're a delight.
Is there anything you can't do?
I'm ashamed to tell you this, Joyce,
but I've never finished a project in my life.
And I'm almost 14!
Aw, you're being too hard on yourself, Trunie.
And you did finish something.
In fact, you delivered on exactly what you said you would.
You gave me the best date of my life.
It was never Bernie's third act I was writing.
It was yours.
That's right.
I just Hitched my own damn self!
Classic Truman.
May I have this dance, young man?
Enchanté, mademoiselle.
What a day.
How were your protests?
Ah. Really relaxing, actually.
Hey, how was your guy, Benny?
- Eh, not so great. He dead. - Oh!
Where is Dale?
Man, you know Dale.
He's probably having the time of his life
weaving baskets or some shit.
Wait! Wait!
Stop the Busla!
You think you can run away from Uncle Mendy, kid?
I got eyes everywhere.
Throw me a follow and you're on.
Can I just, like, follow you on Facebook maybe?
No, it's got to be Insta.
Okay, okay, God!
Ah, welcome aboard, DalesTrailz.
Die, cherry blossoms, die!
Dale Rubin
of Fairfax Middle School,
you made a powerful enemy today.
Got you, bitch!
The jeans are mine!
No. No, my denim.
Damn you, Albert.
Damn you!
Chirp.