What's up, Gram-fam. Happy Dadurday.
Having the best day ever with my best friend ever,
- my dad. - What's up, everybody.
Check this out. Drinking syrup like a nut.
[coughs]
- Whoa! - [Dale] Whoa! [coughs]
- Hey, quit splashing. - [laughs]
Wait a minute, you splashed me first.
And all my followers saw it. Right, guys?
Guilty as charged, my man.
Oh, uh, hey, Dale, what's that?
- Hiya! Double splash. - [laughs]
- Say what?
Oh, this dad-son duo just got another like.
All right!
- Got a hike like. - Whoa, sweet rhymes, Dad.
Plenty more where that came from.
♪ My name is Grant, and I'm here to say ♪
♪ I love my son in every ♪♪
- Oh, my God, Dale, bees! - [bees buzzing]
- Bees! Run! - [Dale screams]
Good night, Instagram.
Thanks for all the love. See you tomorrow.
Wowee. What a great day.
Ah, the best day.
Except for the bees. Yeah, other than that,
I had a blast. I love you, D-bone.
[yawns]
Love you, too, Dad.
You know what else I love?
All my new friends on social media.
Mm. What a fun place
with absolutely zero consequences.
♪ Oh... ♪
- ♪ Waitin' for the... ♪ - ♪ Drop ♪
- ♪ Waitin' for... ♪ - ♪ The drop ♪
- ♪ Waitin' for the ♪ - ♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Waitin' for the ♪♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪
[Dale] And after the beach, we made hummus.
- And after the hummus, we went on a hike. - We know, Dale.
You wouldn't stop posting about it.
- Well, what's wrong with that? - Yo,
135 posts in 48 hours is a little much, my G.
- You're starting to flood the feed. - Uh, cha.
- Flooding it with positive energy. Hey, Benny. - What's up?
- Yo, any luck? - Yo, Latrine sold out
of Yung Polluter six-pack rings in three minutes.
Damn! That was faster than the Styrofoam Dixie Cup collectch.
- Who's Yung Polluter? - Only the hottest litter-core rapper on Fairfax.
Dude throws more garbage on the ground than anyone.
Which I do not condone, but the bars are fire.
♪ Hey, fuck the planet up, fuck the planet up ♪
♪ Fuck the planet up, yo ♪
♪ Next stop Mars, bitch ♪♪
[chuckles] God, I love that track.
I knew him back when he was just a toddler
chucking dirty dipes into the river.
We should've jumped on the Yung Polluter merch
when we had the chance, bro.
But we didn't have the cojones
or a deep understanding of marketing tactics
and supply and demand economics.
Yo, next time, we'll be ready.
We just got to keep our ear to the streets
and pounce on the next big thing.
- A'ight, guys, I'm off to the river. - Yo, D,
how many times you gonna clean that river?
Have you ever thought that maybe the river
just wants to be dirty?
Well, mathematically speaking,
every time we blast a Yung Polluter track,
it puts about 2.3 pieces of trash in the river,
so I have my work cut out for me.
Y'all want to come?
- Uh... - Yeah,
- I'm-a let you do your thing. - A'ight. Later, guys.
- [phone chimes] - OMG.
Jackpot, you guys.
Check out this baby pic my dad just texted me.
- [high-pitched] It's little baby Dale. - [Benny chuckles]
I'm gonna make like a law-abiding trout fisherman
and, uh, throw it back.
- [laughs] - Have you lost your goddamn mind?
You can't throw it back on a Wednesday.
TBT is a sacred Thursday holiday.
That's wild disrespectful to the lunar cycle, bro.
You're already pushing it, man.
You don't want to turn people off.
[scoffs] Please, what do you guys know?
Like there's ever a bad day to show the world I love my dad.
- And away we go. - [boom]
♪ ♪
[growls]
[neighs]
[bellows]
[wails]
I miss the first half of the movie,
but I get to the end, and it's the Wayans brothers
in whitefa... Jim, watch out!
[birds squawking]
Oh, shit!
[wails]
- Oh, man. That was close. - Not as close
- as these two losers. - [laughs]
TBT on a Wednesday?
I bet you this kid Dale hates his dad.
[laughs] Oh, nailed it.
He definitely hates his dad.
[wailing]
[♪ P-Lo: "Put Me on Somethin'"]
♪ P-P-P-Lo, time to bring the bass back...
Hey, it's the fucking Dad guy, eh!
Damn right, it is.
That cute little boy don't like his dad.
You're right, Sherman. I don't like my dad.
I love him! Have a great day.
Hey, Dale.
I'm a fucking dad hater, too, baby.
Oh, no. You must have me confused with a different Dale,
'cause this one loves his dad. [chuckles]
What the heck has gotten into everyone?
♪ Everybody litter, throw your garbage in the river ♪
♪ Water is a ho ♪♪
Yo, yo, Yung Polluter is the shit.
- Man, this album's gonna go hard, bro. Believe me. - Mm.
Legend, cuh. Homeboy taught us how to throw lo mein.
♪ Chuckin' all this lo mein, girl give me dome brain ♪♪
[car alarm blaring]
- [thud] - [orca wails]
[gasps] Anderson fucking Cooper.
- It's an orca. - [wails]
- Oh, God. Oh, God. - [phone rings] - Yo, D. We got
- a lot going on right now. What's up? - No, no, no, no.
You guys are not gonna believe this.
Ha! We know.
- [groans] - Dale hates his dad!
- Oh, God. Oh, God. - [phone chiming]
No. Aw.
No, no, no,
no!
[Truman] Yes, dude, yes!
[chuckles] Man.
- [computer chiming] - Number one on Reddit.
- [grunting] - Just hit TikTok.
Oh, my God,
he's on Pinterest.
- What?! [whoops] - [laughs]
This is it, Tru. My cousins in Seoul
are asking if I know the dad hater.
Dale's going international!
Jules and 'Manda named me Suicide Watch of the Week.
Lily's gonna think I come from a broken home.
Even Principal Weston is trolling me.
[laughs] This little bitch boy don't know what hit him.
Your sources are incorrect, @FairfaxMiddleSchool.
No, I do not want to peg my dad.
Peg him for a great guy, maybe.
Yeah, we're gonna need 2,000 units
of "Dale Hates His Dad" foam middle fingers.
[Truman] Holy shit, bro.
These GIFs are pure fire.
"Dale Hates His Dad" might surpass "Crying Jordan."
Do you understand how big that is?
- Actually, make it three. - [Dale] No.
- Stop it! - What the hell, Dale?!
I don't want all this dad-hating stuff out there.
- Why not? - Because I don't hate my dad!
I don't understand.
Why would the Internet say I hate my dad
when I love my dad? He's my dad!
A'ight, Dale, the Internet is like a giant spotlight,
and for some reason,
that spotlight is shining on your dad-hating ass.
In a big way, bro.
You're like if "Distracted Boyfriend"
fucked "Sad Keanu Reeves" and then married Beyoncé.
Oh, no.
I just thought I'd be rewarded for being myself.
Now everyone at school thinks I want to fart in my dad's mouth
and tape it shut.
That's the Gram for you, bro.
Either you're fake and people love you
or you're real and everybody hates you.
Look, Dale, we're gonna do everything we can to stop this.
You know that. But in the meantime,
we got to strike while the iron's hot, jah feel?
There's a ton of cash to be made here, son.
Big cash, bro. Mm! I'm-a use my dough
to finance my Untitled Shit Project.
And I'm gonna buy Yung Polluter tickets.
I hear his encore
is pushing a Toyota Camry into the Tar Pits.
Look, trust me, bro. You about to make so much money
you could buy a new dad.
Fuck Larry or whatever the fuck his name is.
No, no, no. I don't want a new dad!
I like the dad I have!
Have you considered the possibility
that you might just hate your dad?
It's okay if you do, Dale.
The other day, I heard him say, "Okey dokey, artichoke-y."
No. I will never besmirch my father.
He's the most amazing man I know.
[sighs] I just wish I could explain that to the world.
Ugh. You're fuckin' with my money, Dale.
But you are my boy.
Okay. We need to get you on a huge platform
so we can tell everyone your side of the story.
- Phew. Thank you. - [phone vibrates]
[speaking Korean] Three thousand units. Book it.
[orca wailing]
It's okay, girl.
Or is it boy? Or they?
I'm sorry. What is your pronoun?
Dude, I'm dying!
You're right. I'm not into labels, either.
Just hang in there. I'm getting help.
Hey! Hey, help!
There's a whale stuck in the river!
- [phone chimes] - No! Kelly, check it out.
This time he's running over his dad
- with one of those cement rollers. - [Grant screaming]
Oh, no.
I got it! I'll call FEMA.
This is what they do.
- [all laughing] - [phone ringing]
Shoot. Looks like we're gonna have to channel
the power of the Internet. Don't worry.
One post, and the whole world will pay attention to us.
- [wails] - I mean, you.
Pay attention to you.
[indistinct chatter]
Derica, Derica! Was it hard
to become the greatest activist of all time?
[laughs] Definitely not.
Some people just have it, you know?
I would thank God, but honestly, She should be thanking me.
[wails]
[chuckles] Okay, Internet.
Do your thing.
[clock ticking]
- [alarm rings] - Ugh! What the hell?
This should be Internet gold.
I can't even get Taye Diggs to like the pic,
- and he likes everything. - [rumbling]
- Ugh! - [wails]
Ugh. God, this is terrible.
We got to get you to the ocean, or you're gonna die,
and I'll have dead whale blubber on my hands.
And I'll haunt you like a dead whale ghost!
Okay. It's time for a little analog activism.
I'm gonna save you... [grunts]
...whether the Internet is watching or not.
[grunting]
Push harder, bitch!
♪ Ay, bitch, I'm a problem nobody solvin' ♪
♪ You can keep hatin', I'm popping regardless...
[gasps] I got it! Yes!
[wails]
Time to get you back in the oash.
A'ight, Dale. Spicy 'Pinions
is the hottest Web series on Fairfax.
It's where everybody goes to tell their side of the story.
Just remember, be yourself,
and don't let the spice get to your head.
Spice?
W-W-W-W-W-Welcome, Fairfax!
I'm Benn Close, and this is Spicy 'Pinions,
where the only thing spicier than the Cheetos are the convos.
My guest, Dale Rubin, has some dad stuff
to get off his chest.
Cheeto number one:
classic Flamin'.
- What's on your mind, bro? - Yeah. Um,
I'm here to address some nasty online rumors
about me not loving my dad.
Now, you tell me, Internet.
Would a dad hater have bought this?
[Benn] Uh-huh.
Cheeto number two:
Picante Serrano.
[gasps]
- Is that real gold? - [Dale sputters]
[coughing] Well, no,
but it-it doesn't need to be gold to...
Wow, is it hot in here, or is it just me?
It's just you.
Power through it. You're doing great, champ.
- [panting] - Man,
these people hate you as much as you hate your dad.
Cheeto number four,
flown in from Taipei:
the Scorched Earth Ghost Pepper.
[whimpering]
[high-pitched] Do I have to do this?
[panting]
[sizzles]
[whimpers]
[coughing]
Oh, why would I hate my dad? [gags]
I thank my glow-in-the-dark ceiling stars every night
I even have a dad.
That's it! I'm not gonna stand by
while you tarnish the dadless community
and the Cheeto community.
- [gasps, coughs] - Okay, okay, okay, show's over.
Forgot this kid had a Cheeto allergy.
Dale, get the fuck up out of here right now.
Sup, Fairfax! [chuckles] Yo.
Just to be clear, our boy Dale does not hate his dad.
But if you do, post a video
telling your dad to go fuck himself
while wearing our very own "I hate my dad" T-shirts.
- [air horn blows] - Smash that link!
Mm.
[bird caws]
- [birds chirp] - [Derica gasps]
Thank you, Mr. Sign.
[gasps] I can see the ocean!
Come on, we're almost there.
[wails]
What's wrong?
Oh, no!
[grunting]
[panting] I can't do it.
I'm so sorry.
Who am I kidding?
I'm a terrible activist.
I mean, how am I supposed to save the whole planet
if I can't even save one stupid fucking whale?
The fuck!
- Ich hasse dich, Papa! - [men laughing]
Tousan, uzai!
[grunts] Ti odio, Papa!
Goddamn, that's good content.
- You ready? - Fuckin' A. Ready to ditch
this 9,000-pound piece of shit.
Oh, shit, she got away!
Jim, turn this bitch around.
You, uh, haven't touched your curly fries, D-bone.
Please don't call me that.
I'm not feeling very D-bone today.
You okay, buddy?
I just... I've been having a tough time lately.
- That's all. - Well, I know what always cheers you up.
Anything but the Hamilton soundtrack.
The Hamilton soundtrack. Yeah!
Let's get a little Lin-Manuel Mirand-y up in here.
♪ How does a bastard, orphan, son of a ♪♪
I said no Hamilton!
Oh, okay, buddy. I mean, that's fine.
Yeah. I mean, we can talk instead.
You know, talking is the original rap.
[Grant sniffling]
- [Grant clears throat, chewing loudly] - [Dale groans]
[Grant grunts]
Oh, baby.
[Dale] [groans] Enough!
Your mouth sounds are out of control,
I never liked curly fries,
and you know what else?
I can't stand Hamilton!
[gasps] You don't mean that.
Yes. I do. I haven't even seen it
because someone was too cheap to pony up for seats!
The songs have no context!
Well, yeah, but we like the lyrics.
You know what, Dad? The Internet's right.
I do hate you.
Oh. Classic Burr.
[♪ DMX: "Ruff Ryders' Anthem"]
♪ Something new ♪
♪ Stop ♪
♪ Drop...
- Hey, buddy. What's... - Hiking solo today.
Fuck a dad.
Hey, I need that for my tush.
Jesus, Dale. The other rolls are in the garage!
If you hate your dad as much as I hate this front-wiping chode,
- join me at Runyon Canyon today for my Anti-Dad Hike. - [gasps]
Whoa, bro. We did it.
Dale finally came out as a dad hater.
Bruh, this dad hike is the sale we've been waiting for.
- [speaking Korean] Mom! - ♪ Stop ♪
- We need a ride to Runyon Canyon! - ♪ Drop ♪
- ♪ Shut 'em down, open up shop ♪♪ - [helicopter blades whirring]
Oh, my God. We're saved!
The Internet came through.
Hey! Hey! Over here!
- [wails] - Ow!
What is wrong with you?!
It's them!
"Tillamook"? "Ocean Land"?
Oh, my God!
- You're a fugitive whale! - Yes!
And you have a killer past?
Oh! Rising up to slay your captors
is justice AF, Tillamook.
Don't worry, girl. I've got a plan.
[indistinct shouting]
[chitters]
- Who do we hate? - [all] Dads!
- Why do we hate them? - [all] We each have different reasons!
Step right up, get your Fuck-A-Dad merch here.
Get your Fuck-A-Dad merch!
We got bobbleheads, mini-bats, snapbacks and T-shirts.
You, son.
How 'bout a foam middle finger
for your dad? Flick him off?
If you hate your dad, you're definitely gonna want
to cop this merch right here.
- Oh, shit, it's the dad! - [all gasp]
- [overlapping shouting] - [boy] Boo!
- [boy 2] I fucking hate this guy! - [boy 3] Fuck you, old man!
[shouting stops]
No dads allowed, Grant.
[crowd cheers]
- I brought you your favorite milkshake. - [scoffs]
I would never drink something a dad touched.
It's not to drink.
- It's to dump on my head. - Huh?
I am Grant Rubin.
- Dad of Dale. - [booing] - [boy] This guy fucking sucks!
I stand before you to confess that I am a punk-ass father.
I serve my son curly fries when he likes crinkle-cut,
and I made him listen to Lin-Manuel Mirand-y
well after the hype had run its course.
My son hates me because I am a bitch.
Who wants to see me dump this on my old man's head?
[cheering]
Whoa, hey! There she is!
Eat 'poon, Tillamook!
Nice shot. Wait.
[Biff] Aw, son of a bitch. It's a kayak.
[cheering]
- Soak his ass! - Fucking kill him!
Fucking kill that dad!
Go on. Do it.
[grunting]
Fuck, yeah!
Fuck yeah!
- [helicopter blades whirring] - [gasps]
[cheering]
If hating dads is what you're passionate about,
I support you.
Really?
Now, Tillamook!
Fuck, yeah, Tillamook!
[wails]
- [phones chiming] - Yo,
Yung Polluter just dropped a new music video!
Yung Polluter? Can we get out of here?
This hike is dumb.
Oh, thank God.
[sighs] Goddamn you, Dale.
I have 50% off all Fuck-A-Dad merch
right here!
Thanks bitch.
I did it. I am a kick-ass activist.
[cheers] Who's a activist?
I'm a activist. Who's a activist?
Well, I'm glad you're happy,
'cause you just freed a murderer.
Yeah, and the people she killed
were all evil trainers that abused her,
so whatever.
No, she's a sick fucking whale.
She's killed dozens at random.
One time she drowned an old janitor on purpose.
[clears throat] She didn't mention that. Mm-mm.
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪
I'm sorry I said I hated you, Dad.
- I didn't mean it. - Oh, I know, buddy.
Since we're here, you want to finish that hike?
That sounds great.
You know, the Internet can hate all it wants.
I know how I feel.
Heya, Dad. It's Glennjamin.
Your son is gonna be flying home this winter.
[♪ Yung Polluter: "Fries on tha Flo'"]
♪ Salute and pollute, litter gang ♪
♪ Litterbugs ♪
- ♪ Yeah, on the flo' ♪ - ♪ Yo, throw some fries on the flo' ♪
- ♪ On the flo' ♪ - ♪ Throw some trash off the boat, we pollute ♪
♪ Threw a cheeseburger out the coupe ♪
♪ Water bill run like chicken soup ♪
♪ She burnin' like gas, cigarettes go on the floor ♪
- ♪ Not the trash ♪ - ♪ Trash ♪
♪ Pulling out the coupe, we pollutin' ♪
♪ Bring yo best friend, flip a trash can ♪
♪ Too hot, get you burnt like a frying pan ♪
- ♪ Put you in the trash like a trash can ♪ - ♪ Trash can ♪
♪ What? ♪
♪ Ooh, we pollute ♪
♪ How'd I get some trash in my boot? ♪
[wails]
♪ Fuck the planet up ♪
♪ Fuck the planet up, fuck the planet up ♪
♪ Fuck the planet up, fuck the planet up ♪♪
To Be Continued...
♪ The block is hot ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The block is hot ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The block is hot ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The block is hot ♪♪
Chirp.