[clock ticking]
Psst. Yo, Dale. Man, move your arm.
I can't see your fucking test.
[whispering] Benny, we're on the essay section.
- You can't copy this part. - [airhorn blows]
[Weston] Pencils down, Fairfax Middle School!
I'm gonna need y'all to stop, drop
and roll on over to Ticketmaster.com
because tickets for the first ever Chernobyl Fest--
Yung Polluter's Festival of Pollution,
Explosives and Radiation, brought to you
by Welch's Juices, Jams, Jellies and Spreads--
have officially dropped!
- [cheering] - Yeah!
Hey, fuck this standardized test!
Our future depends on this festival!
The whole Litter Gang is performing! Yung Polluter!
O Dot Besity! Anti-Vaxx! Basura!
Basura is my everything!
Lord have mercy, Shania Twain is playing, too?!
[♪ Shania Twain: "Man! I Feel Like a Woman!"]
Damn, Shania versatile as fuck.
- [students clamoring] - Oh, shit! No bars?
Why, sweet phone? Why today?!
Cell towers are down. There's not enough bandwidth.
- What do we do? - Computer lab?
Ah, no, that's too obvious. We got to go somewhere
that nobody would dare set foot. Uh... Oh.
[all] Library!
[distant shouting]
- Dale, guard the door! - With my life.
No lie, this is my first time in here.
Kind of a vibe.
- [banging on door] - [growling] - Oh!
I can't hold them much longer!
These CAPTCHA codes are doing me dirty.
Help me figure out which photos are storefronts!
[Derica] What even is a storefront anymore?
- Shit! - Oh!
- Here's Westy! - [yells]
Come on, dude!
[Truman] Boom!
- Fuck, yeah! - Yes!
We're doing this shit. Nobyl Fest!
- Boom, baby! - [Derica whoops]
[loud chatter]
♪ Oh... ♪
- ♪ Waitin' for the... ♪ - ♪ Drop ♪
- ♪ Waitin' for... ♪ - ♪ The drop ♪
- ♪ Waitin' for the ♪ - ♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Waitin' for the ♪♪
- [horns honking] - [Grant] Ha, ha! All right!
Chernobyl Fest!
I'm so excited for you guys.
Your first music festival, Dale!
Aw! It really takes me back, boo.
You know, Dale, Trini and I met a music festival.
[scoffs] I knew we should have Ubered.
It was Jazz Fest. Dave Matthews was headlining.
I was at the dehydration tent.
And I was dehydrated!
Uh, classic Trini alert. She's always dehydrated.
The second we met, I knew he was the one.
Yeah. That sounds a lot like me and Cerise.
[all] Who?
This fire chick I met on the Chernobyl app.
Oh, we got so much in common.
Like, we both agree
Rushmore is when Wes Anderson really came
into his own as a filmmaker,
and we both like the red ones in the Welch Fruit Snacks.
That doesn't mean anything. Everyone likes the red ones.
Come on, Der-bear.
You got to let Truman have his festival moment.
- Festival moment? - Der-Bear?
You know that feeling
when everything in the world seems absolutely perfect,
and the music takes hold while the shrooms are kicking in?
I-I think what Trini's trying to say is,
a festival moment is a special memory you'll always
- look back on. - Cool story. Bye!
Oh, uh, okay. Love you all!
Trust the fanny, D-bone!
Thanks, Dad.
[Grant] Hey, babe, what do you think?
Should we scalp some tix? Head into the fest?
♪ Post my drip up daily just so they can see ♪
♪ T-Turn me up some more so my haters...
Whoa!
♪ None of you guys get fly as me ♪
♪ Whoa, matter of fact...
[Truman] I heard they shipped the reactor
from the real Chernobyl.
Those might be real radiation waves.
They better be, man. Polluter don't play.
All righty, guys, what should we do first?
Dirty Coal Bounce House, Poachers Palace. [gasps]
Ooh, how about the Blood Diamond Mine Slide?
Fuck your map, Dora the Explorer.
Hey, I haven't gotten my bearings yet!
Don't worry, bruh.
I already got the map pulled up on the Chernobyl App.
And Cerise is hookin' it up with the recs.
BT-Dubs, we got ten percent off all Welch's products
if anyone wants to fuck with some juice.
Yeah, that's gonna be a teensy bit of an issue
because I didn't bring my phone.
Gender neutral scout says what?
Dale, you packed an entire REI into that fanny,
and you didn't bring your phone?
Why would I need my phone? I'll be with my best friends
in the whole wide world, getting my wiggle on to Yung Polluter.
That's gonna be my festival moment.
Festival moments are for mommy bloggers
and youth pastors, Dale.
We're here to get Chernt. Right, D?
Damn right. Even though I am morally at odds
with everything this festival stands for, I...
Nope, nope, nope. Cut that out right now.
Derica, what did we say?
If you want me to be your Chernt guru,
we're not gonna be talking trash
about this magical festival of garbage.
You right. You right. Sorry.
In honor of my new mentor Gloria, today is a day off.
I am blocking out all of the ignorant-ass
- cultural appropriators... - [women giggling]
...so I can let my hair down, recharge the activism battery,
and Chern up the fucking jams.
Speaking of jams, this Welch's ho is coming at me.
Check out this thirst trap she just sent.
I got to hit her back with the fire.
- Mm. - [phone camera clicks]
Chet, I think you need to see this.
We've got this kid here-- Truman Clark.
His Welch's Thirst Score is off the charts.
He's responding to Cerise with unparalleled depth
and a keen understanding.
These numbers can't be right. Check them again.
- [ding] - Oh, my God, he's perfect.
Crank up the thirst meter!
Myth-- Chernobyl Fest is only about music.
Fact-- there are a ton of ways to get Chernt,
starting with this dank-ass Cherno-bowl.
- Ew! - What the fuck you mean, "ew"?
Band-Aids are a delicacy to the Chernobians.
Munch away.
Mmm, that's chewy!
You guys, Cerise might be Chernobian,
so no jokes when we meet her, okay?
God, this radiation's starting to give me a mean sunburn.
Good thing I brought the SPF hundy.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
Basura is starting on time!
[cheering, clamoring]
Let's go! Basura!
My eyes! Sunscreen in the eyes!
♪ ♪
Salute and pollute, my man. We are so excited to be here.
Don't get too excited, dad-band. These tickets are fake.
But the scalper said they were legit.
- [alarm sounding] - Recycle these fools!
Hey, watch it, man!
These jorts are Kirkland siggies!
Oh, hey! Let go!
- [cheering] - [instrumental music plays]
Órale, Fairfax!
Basuritas, let me litter with you real quick!
Drop that beat.
Holy shit! Holy shit! This is legendary!
I can't believe I just threw basura at Basura!
No hablo Español, but I'm 'bout it!
Gang, gang! How sick is this, Dale?
[deep voice] I'm not Dale. I'm Susan.
Shit! Guys, we lost Dale.
Derica? Benny? Truman?
- [whimpers] - [growls]
- Ow! - Aah!
[yells, pants]
- [mechanical humming] - Ugh! Aah!
[in slow motion] I'm so fucking trashed!
- Oh! Aah! - [siren blaring]
Brandon, this was supposed to be a chill bachelor party! [gasps]
- [tires squealing] - Ah. Ah. Oh, God.
Hey, that kid's about to cry.
No, I'm not! You're crying.
- Aah. - [laughter]
Don't cry, Dale. Don't cry.
[Grant] Dale!
Dad?! Dad, what do I do?
You got to help me.
I-I can't find my friends, and I'm lost,
and I'm not gonna have my festival moment.
Trust the fanny, son!
The fanny. Of course!
Thanks, Dad! Love you!
No problem D-boh...
[groaning]
Oh, my Go...
Okey dokey. What are we working with here?
Got my night gogs, day gogs, chappies, and... bam!
Gang gang! Gang gang!
Hey-yo, Glenn, 'member that time I got separated from the flock?
Dawg, that was the scariest moment of my life, man.
Damn organic farmer tried to keep you as a pet.
I had to peck the shit out of her!
Hey, hey, careful with those pyrotechnics!
Oh, hang on a tick.
Are you Dynamite Shorty?
No, I-I'm just looking for...
Let me guess. Your crew?
Yes! That's right. I-I'm looking for my crew!
All right, come on! They're right through here.
You're gon' need this, too, so take this.
[chiming]
[distant laughter]
- Dale? - Dale?
- Dale. Who the fuck is Dale? I'm Susan.
- Dale? Dale? - Dale? - Dale?
- Dale?!
- Benny, I don't see Dale. - Me, neither.
- Look, we all love Dale. - Love him to death.
But he's just not a festival kid, all right?
I think we all suspected it, and today, we have our confirmation.
Doesn't mean we can't get Chernt.
Honestly, I think he'd be upset if we didn't.
For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds good. You guys do that.
Cerise and I will check for Dale at the Ferris wheel.
Perfect. We'll link back here at 9:00 for Yung Polluter.
Benny, let's Chern and burn, baby!
- Aha! Yeah. [laughs] - Yeah! [laughs]
What?
♪ I got the cool, inner cool...
There they are, Shorty, right over there.
[grunts]
Uh, that's not my crew.
Derica? Benny? Tru?
Gah, you're such a noob, Dale!
All you had to do is stick with the gang.
- [thudding] - [man] Help! He's choking!
- [gasping] - Whoa.
Move, everybody! Give him space.
[coughing]
[whooping, cheering]
Oh, thanks, little homie. That was a close one.
- Almost lost my blunt. - [gasps]
"O Dot Besity"? "From the Litter Gang"?
Hey, my friends love you!
Oh, thanks, dawg. You want to come party with us?
Party with you? I mean, that sounds amazing, O Dot Besity,
but I really ought to keep looking for my crew.
You sure? 'Cause I got a boar roasting on a pit.
We're gonna hit the hot tub and then get Chernt.
Did you say "get Chernt"?
Uh, uh, my friends are getting Chernt.
Then they're definitely gonna be at this party.
Don't worry. I got you.
- Mount up! - [chiming]
[laughing] Oh, ho, ho, ho!
[Truman] Dale?
Cerise?
Dale! Cerise!
It's your Tru-boo.
One ticket for the Ferris wheel,
and one Berry Blitz smoothie, please.
♪ And I'm rollin' through the neighborhood ♪
- ♪ Back when I was close to you ♪ - [sighs]
♪ Close to you, close to you...
Dead rose emoji.
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, oh, ooh-ooh, oh ♪
♪ And I'm ghosting you, ghosting you, ghosting you...
♪ And I'm ghosting you, ghosting you...
[phone ringing]
[all gasp]
Code Raspberry!
The kid wants to FaceTime Cerise.
- What do we do? - Take the call.
- I'll use the sim. - The sim?
Are you insane? The tech isn't ready yet.
If I don't take this call, we lose him as a customer for life.
Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.
Loose lips sink ships.
Okay, patch me through.
Hey, big head.
Hi. Wow. I can't believe you actually picked up.
You're even prettier on FaceTime.
Stop. Y-You're sweet,
like Welch's Fizzy White Grape juice.
Damn, girl,
I love how hard you ride for Welch's.
[Cerise giggles]
[sucks through straw loudly]
So, where you at, boo?
I'm solo dolo on the Ferris wheel,
and I was kind of hoping you would be here
so we could have our,
you know, festival moment or whatever.
[all] Aw.
Well, we still can, but...
[quietly] Don't you dare.
But-but what, babe?
I don't know. I just...
Kind of, like, scared you won't like me when we meet IRL.
No way! You're so smart, and so cool,
and we like all the same super niche indie stuff, and...
I just want to share this fest with you.
And I just want
to share a Welch's Sparkling Cider with you.
[quietly] Hang up, or I'm calling corporate.
Uh, I-I'm sorry, but I-I think it's better
we never get to know each other, and...
and that's just a hard truth you'll have to accept.
Wait. Wait. But...
[dial tone]
[sighs]
"Hard" truths?
Do you realize what you've done?
Mother of God.
♪ Choosing my worth and the verb and you shiver ♪
♪ Breaking the curse want to speed...
"Welch's Tent of Hard Truths and Tropical Blasts"?
Clever girl!
Get me off this Ferris wheel right now!
- I'm coming for you, Cerise! - [person whoops]
[Benny grunts]
[grunting] Yeah! Get some!
Yeah! Derica!
We feeling Chernt yet, girl?!
[yelling]
Uh, I could kick it up a notch, if you know what I mean.
Really? After burning down a whole forest?
Okay, I've been sitting on something that, frankly,
I was going to peel off and do myself, but...
Don't pull that shit with me. Whatever it is, I can handle it.
Fair enough. Garçon, cancel those tanks of napalm!
[distant chatter]
- [grunting] - Grant, you're being an idiot.
This is dangerous!
We can find another way in.
You're right. I am a total badass.
Still got it.
Intruder in Section Five!
[alarm blaring]
- [hissing] - Oh, my God!
- Oh, God. Aah! Oh, God! Oh! - [hissing]
- [gasps] - Oh, God! Aah! Aah!
You okay? Did he bite you?
- [sighs heavily] - I'll sue an opossum. I don't care.
Maybe the universe is trying to tell us we're too old.
Maybe our festival days are over.
Uh-uh. It's just a setback, baby, like the day we met.
What do you mean, "the day we met"?
That was the best day of our lives.
Of course it was, but for a minute there,
it was gonna be the worst.
That day, I was supposed to have my first ever big solo.
Dave Matthews offered you a solo?
Yeah. I put so much pressure on myself,
I stopped drinking water and wound up in the hydration tent.
I missed my solo,
- but I found you. - Mmm.
Why didn't you tell me?
I'm so sorry that happened.
I'm not. Everything happens for a reason.
That day was amazing.
You're right, boo.
Magic can still happen, setbacks be damned.
We have to get into that festival.
♪ Where my posse, black cat roarin' like Miyaki ♪
♪ Sukiyaki, jabs is stickin' like teriyaki ♪
- ♪ Go, go, go, go, go head ♪ - [laughs]
♪ Go, go...
You see 'em, little dude?
Mm, not yet, Mr. Besity.
I thought they'd be here for sure.
[THOT] Not my phone!
I wrote my entire structural engineering thesis on there!
[all gasp]
I'll save your phone!
BRB.
[liquid gurgling]
[gasps] Got it!
[cheering]
Now we just need to add rice.
Little Indian Long Grain should do the trick.
♪ Boy best be watching his tone if he talking to me...
Oh! It's a Basmati Party, y'all!
Thank you so much!
How can I repay you?
Can I braid your hair, or, like, design a bridge for you?
Uh, c-can you design a bridge to help me find my friends?
I can try. What do they look like?
Well, my friend Truman is tall, he's a Hufflepuff, total artist.
Artist? [laughs]
Why didn't you say so?
I know exactly where they are. Here.
- Take my artist pass. - [chiming]
The Artist Area. Of course!
Thanks, Professor Thot!
♪ I'm nice boi ♪
♪ Matter of fact, I'm tight boi...
[Derica] "Kazmir the Three-Dicked Wonder"?
- Oh, my God! - I know.
It's the greatest deformation ever fucked up by human hands.
If the Mona Lisa had three dicks, she'd look like Kazmir.
Do you think the three penii means there are six balls?
Love where your head's at.
Been crunching those numbeez myself.
The possibilities are endless.
They could meet in the center,
or what if they're in a straight line?
Oh, my God! Or a diamond, like a rack of Nine Ball?
Two, please.
Yeah, buh, buh, no, no. No tickets.
Horse is tired. Come back next weekend.
Next weekend?!
No! You can't do this to us!
We got to see the dicks!
Yeah, we only have weekend one tickets!
Horse have three pee-pee.
Horse need three time energy.
Horse need three times nap.
Come back next weekend.
Derica, maybe it wasn't meant to be.
We can still hit up Poacher's Palace before YP starts.
No way!
I came here to get Chernt, and that's what we gon' do.
[goat bleating]
Derica, the guy said he's sleeping.
He can sleep when he's dead.
- [gasps] - [goat bleats]
Hey, trip-dick, let's go.
Get up. Showtime!
[snorts softly]
Come on, dude!
Let me see the dicks!
[neighing]
[both yell]
[Benny] Oh, oh, oh, oh!
♪ ♪
[crowd chatter]
[man] Miklosh Goldschmeid.
Lemon-lime.
Cerise? Are you in here?
- Viktor Sitnikov. Blue grape. - Cerise?
Cerise, are you in here?
- Yuri Lusganova. - Cerise?
Papaya burst.
[whirring]
[crowd clamoring]
- [gasps] - What are we gonna do? He's gonna find us!
Maybe that's not such a bad thing.
Maybe we can work with him.
Maybe he's got answers.
He's just a boy, Chet.
And what am I?
I didn't work my ass off for six months
to become the West Coast VP of Welch's Interactive
Social Media Brand Integration and Tropical Blasts for nothing.
Somebody get me a cigarette and a white grape, stat.
Yoinks!
"Cerise Project"?
[loud clamoring]
[all gasp]
What the fuck?!
Hi, Truman.
[distant instrumental music plays]
Gosh darn it.
Can the heavens bless me with a tiny-handed cherub
to save my dang fit?
[♪ Shania Twain: "Man! I Feel Like a Woman!"]
[gasps] E-Excuse me, Miss Shania Twain?
I believe I could be of some assistance.
Wow! That do impress-a me much.
Thank you, little man.
You've got a can-do attitude and a pouch for practical purposes.
But your face tells a different story.
- I want to hear it. - To be honest,
I got lost this morning,
and I've been separated from my friends all day.
And every time I think I'm gonna find 'em,
- I end up farther away. - Huh.
Sounds like a real hitch in your giddyap.
Anything I can do?
I don't think so, Ms. Twain.
I got to go it alone this time.
Then take this for good luck.
Holy smokes.
Another juice box?
No! No more juice!
Just please, tell me where Cerise is.
You're looking at her, Truman.
We're Cerise.
I'm so sorry. You were never supposed to see this.
Shut up, Denise!
We work for Welch's.
We partnered with Chernobyl Fest using data collection
and targeted marketing to advertise to your demo:
diverse males, ages 12-15, from middle class backgrounds
with search histories of "35mm film,"
"BMX fails" and "twerk vids."
So, the whole Rushmore thing?
That was me. Big Wes Anderson fan.
And the red ones?
[all] Everybody loves the red ones!
So, she's...
The result of a billion dollars in experimental tech research.
How am I supposed to find true love
if everything in this world is fake?!
Cerise might have been fake, but the juice was real, Truman.
No! Fuck your juice!
And the jams! And the jellies! And the spreads!
[cries] This shit is boo-hoo!
Uh-huh. So, uh, on a scale of one to five,
how likely are you to recommend our products to a friend?
Five being very much and...
I know how the scale works, and my answer is "zero"!
Also, by the way, Guava Lemonade...
it's sitting right in front of you!
You got the guava, and you got the lemonade.
Just mix that shit together!
God, he's a genius.
Fuck this. I'm going to Smuckers.
- [guitar strumming] - [cheering, whooping]
This next song goes out to a little boy I met named "Dale."
It's a song I wrote a long time ago.
[♪ Shania Twain: "You're Still the One"]
[cheering]
♪ Looks like we lost Dale ♪
♪ Two friends got Chernt way too hard ♪
♪ Ended up at the stable ♪
♪ Where they saw Kazmir's three dicks ♪
♪ And Truman catfished ♪
♪ By a brand made up of fruit snacks ♪
♪ Oh, you're still the Dale I run to ♪
♪ The normcore lej we clung to ♪
♪ You're still the one I want ♪
♪ For love...
It's not over yet, Trini.
All of these garbage trucks have gone into the festival.
We just need to hop in the back, and they'll never know.
I don't know, Grant. This is pretty gross.
Trash into me, babe.
Ah! There he is.
You hook up with Cerise?
Nah, I got catfished by the Welch's marketing team.
How about you guys? You get Chernt?
Yeah, to a fucking crisp.
I don't want to talk about it, okay?
We're the worst friends ever.
- None of us even found... - Dale!
[cheering]
Guys? Guys!
- Over here! - Oh, Dale!
♪ ♪
Holy shit! Yung Polluter is starting!
We're never gonna make it!
Not with that attitude we won't. Climb aboard.
♪ Zoom...
- [grunts] - Here. Use these!
Fuck, yeah!
All hail the fanny!
Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!
Stroke!
- [whooping] - [whoops] Yeah! - We made it!
[Truman] There he is!
[cheering]
Holy mackerel, we're on stage!
[sighs] I'm home.
Chernobyl, y'all ready to blow?
- [cheering] - Cha-cha-cha ching!
I said,
Chernobyl, y'all ready to blow?
Ey, Dynamite Shorty, where my explosives at?
Baby, this is it.
Bring your magic.
You want dynamite, Yung Polluter?
I'll give you dynamite.
- [gasps] - No way!
♪ Ah, ah-ah, ah, ah-ah ♪
♪ Fuck the planet up ♪
♪ Ooh ♪♪
[explosion]
♪ Yeah, yo, throw some fries on the floor ♪
♪ On the floor, on the floor ♪
♪ Throw some trash off the boat ♪
♪ We pollute ♪
♪ Throw a cheeseburger out the coupe...
- Now this is a festival moment. - So Chernt.
♪ Cigarettes go on the floor, not the trash ♪
- ♪ Trash ♪ - ♪ Pulling out the coupe we pollutin'...
Yo, dawg, dawg, check out
this little biddie I just met on the Chernobyl app. Mmm.
[whoops] Damn, she's thicc.
♪ Trash can ♪♪
♪ The block is hot ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The block is hot ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The block is hot ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The block is hot ♪♪
Chirp.