[♪ Bob Seger: "Night Moves"]
♪ Little too tall, could've used a few pounds...
[Southern accent] And I says to him,
"Never again, Mr. President,
can we let the Chinese motorboat our tits like that."
I says, "Who's negotiating your treaties?"
Jimmy looks at me with that peanut farmer grin of his
and says, "Biff, you are now, friend, but don't you ever talk
about motorboating titties in front of the First Lady again."
[laughter]
Rosalynn blushes every time she sees Biff.
- [children yelling] - [laughing]
Dad, he's doing it again!
Biff Jr., kiddo, lay off your sister,
or no Six Million Dollar Man tonight.
- You hear me? - Your new boss lives here?
When you're the Under Secretary of State,
I imagine the world's your oyster, hon.
[chuckles] There's nothing to be nervous about.
It's Biff Simpson, hon.
He decides if I sink or swim this year.
You're Carl Hirsch, sweetheart.
He's lucky to even wade in the same pond as you. [laughs]
Hirsch. You made it, my friend.
Wouldn't miss it, sir.
"Sir" is for Foggy Bottom. In my castle, I'm Biff.
Wow. Well, okay, then, Biff. Oh. This here's my wife Helen.
Helen. What a beauty.
[chuckles] Geez, Hirsch.
- [purring] - [laughter]
You win her on Let's Make a Deal?
[Carl chuckles]
This is my new associate I was telling you all about.
Just moved down here from Boston.
Can I get you kids a wet one?
I'll take a Schlitz if you got. Hon?
♪ And restless and bored ♪
♪ Living by the sword ♪
Thanks. That's great.
♪ And we'd steal away every chance we could...
- [whispers] It's... you. - [Carl] Hon?
[quietly] It's you. It's him.
- Hon, what's-what's going on? - [pants] It's him.
[speaking Polish]
The Butcher. The Butcher!
- [sobbing] It's the Butcher. - Hon.
[chuckles] Well. Gosh darn, Hirsch.
You didn't tell me your wife was one of them vegetarians.
- [laughter] - The Butcher of Arlav.
The Butcher of Arlav!
- Dad? - Call the police.
- Call the police! - Hey.
- It's Muller. - Hey.
Please, please, call the police! Please!
- Helen, what on earth? - Hon, what's going on?
I think she's having some kind of episode.
Hirsch, maybe she wants to lie down in the family room?
[panting] No. I remember you.
I remember your face. Why isn't anyone...? Please.
Please, he-he... [yelling in Polish]
- He slaughtered, he slaughtered... - You're scaring the kids, doll.
- ...my whole family. He killed my whole family! - Mr. Simpson, I'm so sorry.
- He killed them all! - Geez, oh, man, this is...
- This is really something, Hirsch. - [Helen yelling]
- And in my own gosh darn home. - [son] Dad? Dad?
I think I'd like you to leave now.
Stop him! Halt im!
Nazi! Stop him!
Stop him! Nazi!
- [son] What's going on? - [Helen] Halt im!
- [daughter] Daddy? - [Helen] Stop him! - [son] Dad?
[Helen] Nazi!
- [screams] - [grunts]
- [muffled gunshots] - Let's go!
- [clamoring] - [muffled gunshots]
[Carl] What is happening? Mr. Simpson!
- [grunts] - [screams]
[German accent] 30 years of work that was.
[crying]
[Biff] An entire life built.
[hyperventilating]
Marrying that American pig.
Siring three tainted swine.
How long I'd wanted to snap their little necks.
Well, their blood is on your hands, my girl.
Leave it to the Jew
to think only of its own pathetic existence.
You thought the war was over?
No, dear.
Only the dead know the end of war.
We're here now.
Everywhere.
We... [panting]
We survived.
And we'll survive again.
You didn't survive. You marinated.
I'm so glad I didn't gas you in the camps.
This is so much more delicious.
[hyperventilating]
And what a hungry boy I've been.
What hungry boys and girls we've all been.
[Helen panting]
♪ ♪
Heil, Mein Führer.
[speaks Polish]
Sieg heil!
[gunshot]
♪ ♪
[laughter, indistinct chatter]
[Cheeks] Nah, it was good.
It's just, why the hell does Darth Vader got to be Black?
[Bootyhole] He-He's not Black, Cheeks, he's-he's a Dark Lord.
- [Cheeks] Oh, a Dark Lord? - [Bootyhole] Yeah.
Dude's got a black suit, dude's got a black mask.
And last time I checked,
James Earl Jones is sure as shit a brother.
We're always the motherfucking villain, man.
- And you know what? I see it. - Oh, here we go.
You think Vader's the villain, though?
- Yeah. - Are you serious, Jonah?
Look, he did some bad shit. I'm not saying that.
I'm not denying that.
Darth Vader wasn't born Darth Vader.
For all we know, he was born Chad Rubenstein.
Asthmatic, premature-ejaculating,
- good-hearted loser. - [chuckles] Chad Rubenstein?
- We have trouble with losers. - And...
like every kid in the Galactic Empire,
he was conditioned to believe that some evil Jedi rebels
from some desert shithole were gonna come bomb his parents,
behead his friends,
kidnap all the hot Galactic chicks for lightsaber orgies.
- Vader doesn't get up... - [horn honks]
...every day looking to destroy the galaxy.
No, no. He gets up every morning believing he needs to save it.
Yeah, but he's-he's still a murderer, dude.
- Exactly. - So is Batman, Booty.
- Oh.... - So is fucking Batman.
He hanged a mental patient from the Batplane.
He-he crushed a guy's guts out with a car compactor.
Superman's slaughtered cities.
Uh, Green Lantern took out a planet.
Uh, Orion the Space Slayer
fucking leveled a goddamn solar system.
The only difference between a hero and a villain
is who sells more costumes on Halloween.
[Bootyhole] No, no, no. Chewbacca's like this...
[♪ Honey and the Bees: "Baby, Do That Thing"]
[Bootyhole growling]
- [Carol] Hey, Jonah. - Hey, Carol.
♪ Come on now ♪
♪ Baby, baby, baby, do that thing...
Circle jerk run late, fuckheads?
[Bootyhole] We kept picturing your face
and none of us could come.
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
You think you're funny, you fat shit?
Could hear the fucking nerd mating call from down the block.
Jesus, it's like doing
a fucking heroin deal with Mr. fucking Rogers.
Come on. Show me what you got.
Uh, yeah. Right.
Okay, look,
I do $15 per quarter.
Jew gets right to the bottom dollar, huh?
[others snickering]
[Carol] Dennis, stop, come on.
- Dennis, Dennis. Come on. - Come on.
- [others] Oh! - Come on, give it back.
- Give me my... give me my shit back. - [Carol] Stop.
Aw, you putting on a show for Carol
so she can see you act all tough?
I mean, you've had a hard-on for her for years, haven't you?
Guess what? She is never gonna suck
your tiny kosher wiener, Art Gar-fuck-el.
[Carol] Are you kidding me?
Give me my... give me my shit.
[chuckling]
What the fuck are you gonna do, Kike?
- [man] He's gonna cry. - [man 2] Yeah.
- Give me my fucking bag back. - [Carol] No, no, no.
- Stop. Dennis, stop. Stop. - [Bootyhole] Fuck off, Dennis.
What are you doing, asshole? Get off me, man.
Get off of me.
Step the fuck off.
Stop. Dennis.
Stop. Enough!
You're an asshole, Dennis.
Carol.
[grunting]
- [Dennis] Carol! - You're a fucking asshole.
- Hey, you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
[TV reporter] ...warning everyone to lock their doors.
I'll see you guys.
[TV reporter] ...stay inside after dark.
With the Son of Sam killer still terrorizing New York,
residents are wondering...
[TV newswoman] This is a police sketch...
[classical music playing]
[door closes]
[Ruth] Jonah?
It's just me, Safta.
I hung around for the double feature.
[Ruth] Did your black eye
and bloody lip hang around, too, darling?
[sighs]
[Jonah] It looks worse than it is.
- It doesn't matter. - [Ruth] I'm thinking you need a stitch.
- [Jonah] No, I won't. - [Ruth] I don't know.
[Jonah] It's fine. Trust me.
- It looks bad. - Looks worse.
Go on. Eat some of this.
It heals all aches of the body and all matters of the soul.
Hmm. That's some Walt Whitman shit right there.
You should write that down in one of your cookbooks.
How'd you know?
I'm your safta. I know everything.
And Mrs. Schlosstein saw you walking on Avenue J.
She gave me a call right away.
Hmm, the bubbeleh Batphone.
You think you're a big man for getting in a fight?
I was just defending myself.
Oh, don't touch, don't touch, don't touch.
I'll get a bandage.
- [Ruth] Jonah? - [bag rustling]
What? What is this?
Hmm?
- A drug dealer? A criminal? - Oh, shit.
- Safta, please. - How could you?
- Please. Saf-Safta. - How could you?
How could you?
This puts food on our table, okay?
This puts a roof over our heads.
I would rather starve in the street
than have my grandson be a thug.
Everything I do is for you.
You think I want to be doing this?
You don't think I want to be at some WASP college
we can't afford, actually making something of myself?
I do this so we can survive.
Look.
You were meant for more than this.
A brilliant mind.
You see things no one else can.
It's a gift from God,
and this is how you use it?
To put this chazerai out into the world?
Ah, you're worried about the world.
Well, the world sure as shit's not worried about us.
Everything you do,
it's a choice between licht und finster,
light or darkness.
You must choose well.
Sometimes when you're trying to survive,
you don't have a choice.
There's always a choice.
[gasps softly] Safta. Safta, I'm...
I love you. I love you the most.
Everything I'm doing is for you.
You'll see soon enough.
[record needle scratching]
[glass shatters]
[clattering]
- [man] I won't ask you again. - [Ruth] You can if you want to.
- [TV playing indistinctly] - [man] How did you find me?
[Ruth] Go ahead. Shoot, shoot.
You can't hide.
- You can't... - [gunshot]
- [panting] - [door slams]
Safta! Safta! Safta, what...
Safta, hey, stay with me, stay with me. Stay...
Help! Help! Help!
[panting] Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
- [glass breaks] - Help! Help, somebody!
Help, please!
- Call an ambulance! - [music playing on TV]
♪ ♪
4513 73rd Street, there's been a shooting.
Please, please come. [whimpers]
Safta, Safta, Safta, stay awake. Stay with me. Please, please.
Oh, God. Stay with me, stay with me.
Stay with me, please.
- Help! Help! - [whimpers]
It's okay.
Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay...
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no. No.
[sobbing]
No... Please. [sniffles]
♪ ♪
♪ Of all the times ♪
♪ That you hurt me ♪
♪ For I will always...
[flies buzzing]
[music continues faintly over radio]
♪ Laugh it off...
[Southern accent] Took you long enough.
I've been waiting all night.
Eh, do you know a four-letter word for "bovine," exclamation?
What?
They would have blown my cover.
30 years I spent infiltrating this swamp.
D.C. strip clubs, Senate cloakrooms, the Oval Office.
Now? Just weeks after our breakthrough?
You think I'd allow it all to be undone
by a Juden cockroach?
♪ See what you had done...
Did I create unwanted noise?
Sure. But Uncle Sam won't suspect a thing.
Hell, I could goose-step the Electric Slide
on the National Mall, they wouldn't add it up.
These fools are too busy believing their own people
are the enemy.
They've blinded themselves to us.
Offer up a Black man to blame,
and you can get away with anything in America.
The neighbors didn't hear anything.
The jewelry's in the bedroom.
Oh, and with me dealing with this shit,
you need to pay Congressman Dick Marshall a visit.
This is what he needs to do.
The Colonel made clear there's no room for failure.
So don't fuck up.
Understand?
[music continues faintly over radio]
Uh, how about the left arm?
So I can still... you know.
With my right.
[groans]
- [muffled gunshot] - Ow! [groaning]
All rise.
[rabbi singing prayer in Hebrew]
[singing continues]
Jonah, only immediate family
is supposed to sit shiva.
Is that right, Mrs. Schlosstein?
Mm.
Well, if... my safta's parents
weren't shot in the ghetto...
...sister wasn't killed in the camps,
her husband didn't die in Korea,
and her only kid didn't bleed out having me...
...then they'd be here instead.
I'm all she had in this world, so I'm sitting for them.
So why don't you shut your
- gefilte-fish-stinking... - [gasps]
...fat fucking mouth?
- [indistinct chatter] - [inhales]
[exhales]
- [children clamoring] - [door opens]
[sirens wailing]
[speaking Yiddish]
In a world of diarrhea and constipation,
it's okay to be a normal piece of shit sometimes.
[sighs]
Besides, Moira Schlosstein had it coming.
Meyer Offerman.
My deepest sorrows about your grandmother.
Ah.
How many broads I've been with.
[chuckles] Laughter is good medicine in the worst of times.
Your grandmother taught me that.
How'd you know my grandmother?
Your safta and I were in the camps together.
In fact, I owe my life to her.
She didn't talk about the camps much.
What is there to talk about? Hmm?
[sighs] She goes through all that just to be shot
in her living room by a fucking burglar.
Well, did you happen to hear his voice?
Catch his face?
- No? - No.
Did you see anything at all?
[sighs]
"You can't hide.
You can't hide. You can't hide."
That's what she...
that's what she said to him...
...right before he killed her.
"You can't hide." And it just...
It sounded... it sounded like she knew him. It sounded...
- [inhales] - Personal.
Yeah.
I suppose every murder is personal.
Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[speaking Hebrew]
[Meyer] Well, I'm sure
the police are on it.
Wise that we let them do their work.
Your grandmother was a fighter.
And I trust it courses through your veins as well as hers.
But if you ever need anything:
money, assistance, anything at all...
...you come to me.
Now, you understand...
this is not charity.
It's a debt I owe her.
You know...
you have an intimate relationship with death.
But know it not to be a curse but a blessing.
One that will bring you closer to life.
As the Talmud tells us,
"Living well is the best revenge."
I hope I see you again.
♪ ♪
[car door closes]
[horn honks]
[sniffles]
♪ ♪
[sighs]
[Ruth] September 5, 1941.
It was chaos, chaos in the ghetto.
♪ ♪
[explosions]
[woman screams]
[indistinct shouting]
- [dogs barking] - [woman shouting indistinctly]
They beat our pregnant,
ravaged our children, stole our lives.
[man yelling]
[yelling continues]
They tried to kill the very thing that made us us,
so that we should look to the sky and not see God,
but see shum da-var. Nothing.
- [screaming] - [baby wailing]
I searched for my family until I saw them.
[panicked chatter]
My mother, shot dead, in my father's arms...
[man yelling]
...even as he, too, called out to the sky.
- Papa! - Shum da-var...
[Ruth] Shum da-var. Nothing.
[shouting in German]
- And then he came. - [grunts]
Papa!
Meyer was his name. He saved my life that night.
- Papa! [screams] - [gunshot]
I don't know what was worse,
to see that the Nazis had killed my father,
or to see that they had killed God.
[screaming]
But for the first time in my life,
I wished to kill.
I wished to kill them all.
[breathing shakily]
[sniffles]
♪ ♪
- [woman] Marilu Henner. - [host] That's right,
Marilu Henner is the answer we're looking for.
And you have the nine, if you'd like it.
- [woman] I'll take the nine. - [host] All righty, you got it.
[applause over TV]
[host] The 1984 games will be held in Los Angeles.
[plumber] The shower's nearly fixed, Ms. Fischer.
[host] Are the Soviets planning on coming? Yes or no? Downey?
- [man] Yes. - [host] Yes, they are. Very indeed.
- [audience cheering] - [host] How about...
- You got it... - Correct-a-mundo.
- [woman screams] - [audience cheering]
[host] Combine that with a ten
and you would win the match
- and $2,500. - [water running]
[plumber] Hot water's back.
[Gretel] Oh, darling, thank you.
I've been freezing my tush off for days.
Here.
No, thanks.
Go on.
[footsteps departing]
We all deserve something sweet.
[host] He grew up to be president. Downey?
- [woman] Jimmy Carter. - [host] Yes!
- Jimmy Carter. - [man] Oh, good girl.
- [screams] - [Gretel scoffs]
Yahtzee!
[panting]
[singing]
- [gas hissing] - [coughing]
[coughing forcefully]
[choking]
Ah!
[screaming]
No!
[yelling in German]
[gas hissing]
[screaming]
[♪ Pastor T.L. Barrett: "Nobody knows"]
♪ Nobody knows ♪
♪ Mmm ♪
♪ All the trouble I've seen ♪
♪ Nobody knows ♪
♪ Mmm ♪
♪ All the sorrow ♪
♪ Glory, glory ♪
♪ Mmm ♪
♪ Glory, hallelujah ♪
[man] Cock-a-doodle-do.
♪ Glory ♪
- ♪ Mmm ♪ - ♪ Glory ♪
- ♪ Let me tell you ♪ - Mine's bigger.
♪ Glory, hallelujah ♪
- ♪ Nobody knows ♪ - ♪ Nobody knows ♪
♪ Mmm, no, no, no ♪
♪ All the trouble I've seen ♪♪
- [phones ringing] - [indistinct chatter]
[man 1] Fucking Morris is back.
[man 2] Look who's back. The Black Caped Crusader.
[men laughing]
[Morris] Sir.
- Morris. - Look, I know it's early,
but, uh, I followed that lead.
The hooker in Hell's Kitchen.
She was turning tricks for Mikey Tratioli.
- Genovese's body man. - Jesus, Morris.
So she tells me Tratioli's got issues in the bedroom,
a real floppy jalopy, which leads me to believe
he's got one of them insecure personalities, you know?
So I think if we can get to Tratioli, we can turn him easy.
Great, and after we bust Genovese,
you can figure out who shot JFK.
Morris, you've been with the Bureau for ten months.
[Morris] It's 11 months, sir.
They see this Nancy Drew act,
you're gonna make it harder on yourself than it already is.
And I want my own case.
And it can't be any harder than it already is.
Okay.
You want your own case, Morris?
A NASA scientist found dead in her home at Cape Canaveral.
Good night and good luck.
There are 15 field offices between here and Florida.
You just want me out of your hair.
I'll get on the next flight down.
[Grimsby] Morris,
if you're itching for some grand battle
between good and evil, you ain't gonna find it here.
We're not soldiers, we're not saints.
We're janitors, is all.
The fate of all things ain't resting on you.
[people screaming]
[newsman] ...in D.C.
The sole survivor, Under Secretary of State Biff Simpson,
has been upgraded to stable condition.
Saw the motherfucker.
I saw him and I didn't do shit.
I just fucking stood there.
That piece of shit had a gun, man.
He would've killed your ass.
It's not your fault. The fuzz are on it, man.
- They'll find him. - Cops won't find shit.
They've already forgotten about it.
[man whistles]
[indistinct chatter]
Hey!
[men laughing]
[man] What do you want?
The Hell Devils, they run the streets from us to 112th, right?
Nothing goes down without their knowing.
- [Bootyhole] And what's your point? - [man] Come back!
Maybe... they know something.
[Cheeks] Uh, and what? You're gonna ring
the fucking Hell Devils' doorbell
like the Avon Lady and just ask them?
Yeah.
You're coming with me.
Ah, fuck no, man. If they see my fat ass,
they're gonna string me up like an Easter ham.
So we bring protection.
The hell is that?
Some Jew sword?
The fuck your punk ass thinking,
that you some Charles Bronson motherfucker now?
If you bring that anywhere near the Hell Devils,
they're gonna circumcise you for a second time, dude.
- For real. - Just leave that shit at home.
[Cheeks] Please.
Fuck you guys. I'll do it myself.
- [Bootyhole] Jonah. - [Cheeks] Yo.
Jonah. Come on, now.
Come on, you're gonna get yourself killed.
♪ ♪
[indistinct chatter]
♪ ♪
[♪ Montrose: "Rock Candy"]
[barking]
♪ When you need a friend...
[growling, barking]
[man] [whistles] What the hell is this?
♪ Don't look to those above you...
The fuck we got going on here, big dude?
A woman was shot and killed the other night.
- 73rd Street. - And so what?
You Pink Panther motherfucker is here
for revenge and shit?
[others chuckling]
She was my grandmother.
What'd you say?
[exhales]
♪ You're hard, sweet and sticky...
She was my grandmother.
[others chuckling]
Look, I know shit
doesn't go down under your nose without you knowing.
♪ Rock candy, baby...
And I know none of you murder old ladies.
I just want you to find out
what asshole did this to her, and...
Look, I'm... I'm willing to make you a trade.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - [guns click]
- [man] What's he got in that bag? - [man 2] I don't know.
- Slow man, slow. - For real.
[man] Let's see.
[exhales]
♪ Hard, sweet and...
- [exhales] - How much for, homie?
All of it?
I want a fucking name.
- [siren wailing] - Let's go, man.
- Hey, let's go, go! - Go, go, go, go!
[indistinct shouting]
Police!
- Go, man, go! Shit! - [indistinct shouting]
- Aw, fuck. - [dogs barking]
[sighs]
[cell door closes]
[indistinct chatter]
[Groton] Mr. Offerman put up your bond, son.
$1,200.
[indistinct chatter]
[phone ringing]
♪ ♪
[Groton] You're free to go. For now.
His driver's waiting outside for you. [sighs]
Wasn't there to sell.
I know why you were there.
This has to stop now...
...before you get hurt.
Leave the detective work to us.
Detective work...
...would be realizing that the pattern...
...of the locations of your mystery rapist's crimes
fits the A35 bus route to a T.
So he must be taking that bus line to his victims' apartments.
Detective work would be finding who killed my grandma.
You're not doing detective work.
All you're doing is sitting around
circle jerking to police sketches of Son of Sam.
Don't let me keep you from busting a nut.
♪ ♪
Holy balls.
[Edward] He's expecting you.
Well, I never.
Holy mackerel, I don't know how you boys do it.
[projector clicking]
Doc, it's a masterpiece. Good work.
"And God appointed a great fish
to swallow Jonah up.
And out of the belly of Hell,
Jonah cried
and God did hear his voice."
You should read the Torah more.
It is the original comic book.
How are you?
I'm fine.
Your face still looks like shit.
At least mine will heal.
Yours will he... Oh, yeah.
Well, you didn't tell me you were Bruce Wayne rich.
Well...
What are you doing with this Hell Devils?
- What is that? - Please, can we...
- Does that seem wise? - I'm gonna pay you back.
- Every single penny of my bail. - What? No.
- I don't want your money, please. - Just don't
- give me another speech. - Ugh. No.
I forgive the loan in its entirety.
All I want from you is the thrill
of besting a Torah-ignorant punk
in a chess match.
What do you say?
You know, there was a very famous prisoner named
Markus Roth.
He was the Bobby Fischer of Germany.
And as fate would have it,
one of the Nazi guards,
a sadistic man named Heinz Richter,
he had always aspired to be a great chess player, too.
But for years, in tournaments, he was... he was trounced
by the chess-playing Jew,
who was now his prisoner.
After seven days of torture...
...Markus Roth grabbed a blade,
tried to kill the barbarous Heinz Richter.
Markus, of course, was shot dead,
but not before he gave Richter a scar
- across his throat... - [yelling in German]
[gunshot]
...in the shape of an "X."
What I'd give to have killed those motherfuckers.
Your grandmother never told you of such stories?
Of our history? No?
You rich folks have the luxury of living in the past.
Rest of us can only afford the present.
The past is all there is, Jonah,
repeating over and over again,
with new players of new times
hoping for a different outcome. [chuckles]
Checkmate.
[laughs] In only two moves.
What, uh, what is this?
Yeah, I call it "beating an old man's ass at his own game."
You're what they call "a little shit," aren't you?
You want to play another...?
Telephone's for you. It's the mayor's office.
I should just be a moment.
Continue without me.
Probably win that, too.
Very good.
Ah, what a fucking weirdo.
♪ ♪
[clinking]
♪ ♪
[lock clunks]
♪ ♪
[electricity buzzing]
♪ ♪
[Meyer] It's bad manners...
What the fuck is this?
...to venture around a man's home without an invitation.
Is this him? Did you find the fucker that did this to her?
You need to leave.
You found him.
How?
The cops didn't have shit.
You think the cops care about some old Jew?
Who is he?
Go home. Read the Talmud.
Living well is the best revenge.
- No. No, no, no. - Go back home...
Tell me who he is.
- Who are you? - I have a fucking
right to know!
Tell me right now.
What are you? One of your masked,
caped shvantzes from your cartoons?
No.
You are a boy.
You are a child
who could do nothing
to stop the killer in his home.
Who did nothing to save his grandmother.
That's who you are.
[Meyer] Jonah! Stop!
♪ ♪