- [grunting]
- AND NOW, DREAMWORKS' KUNG FU PANDA:
LEGENDS OF AWESOMENESS
- * HEAR THE LEGENDS OF THE KUNG FU PANDA *
[scatting]
* RAISED IN A NOODLE SHOP, NEVER SEEKING GLORY OR FAME *
* HE CLIMBED THE MOUNTAINTOP
* AND EARNED THE DRAGON WARRIOR NAME *
* OOH, AH, YAH
* KUNG FU PANDA
[scatting]
* MASTER SHIFU SAW THE WARRIOR BLOSSOM *
* AND MASTER THE SKILLS OF BODACIOUS AND AWESOME *
* KUNG FU PANDA
[scatting]
* HE LIVES AND HE TRAINS AND HE FIGHTS WITH THE FURIOUS FIVE *
* PROTECT THE VALLEY SOMETHING *
* SOMETHING, SOMETHING, SOMETHING, ALIVE *
* OOH, AH, OOH
* KUNG FU PANDA
* LEGENDS OF AWESOMENESS
SWEET.
[noisy eating]
- [grunts]
UH-OH.
- PANDA, HAVE YOU SEEN TIGRESS?
- YOU SENT HER AND MONKEY TO TAKE SUPPLIES
TO THAT VILLAGE IN THE NORTH.
- OH, THAT'S RIGHT, OF COURSE.
GO BACK TO WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE DOING.
- [grunting]
OOH!
[grunting]
- WHAT ABOUT VIPER, MANTIS, OR CRANE?
- UH...MOLTING, ON BANDIT PATROL,
AND SHOPPING FOR ANKLE BRACELETS.
- [sighs] OH.
- SOMETHING I CAN DO FOR YOU, MASTER SHIFU?
- HMM? OH, NO.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR... HANDS ARE FULL.
- UH, BUT MAYBE I CAN HELP.
[sighs]
YOU EVER LOOK AT YOUR REFLECTION
AND THINK THAT YOUR EARS ARE TOO BIG?
- NO.
- BECAUSE SOMETIMES I SEE MY REFLECTION
AND I THINK, "MAN, SHIFU'S EARS ARE HUGE."
LITTLE...JOKE.
SOMETHING WRONG?
- YES, PO, SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG.
YOU KNOW THE SACRED WAR HAMMER OF LEI LANG?
THE HAMMER HAS NOT BEEN USED SINCE ANCIENT TIMES.
ITS OWNER WIELDED DEVASTATING POWER.
YEARS AGO, THE MERCILESS VILLAIN TONG FO
STOLE THE WAR HAMMER.
WE HAD TO GET IT BACK BEFORE HE COULD UNLEASH ITS DESTRUCTION.
THE BATTLE WAS FIERCE, BUT THE FURIOUS FIVE WON THE DAY.
AND THE SACRED WAR HAMMER WAS SAFE ONCE MORE.
OR SO WE THOUGHT.
- I WOULDN'T TOUCH THAT IF I WERE--
AH! SHIFU, NO!
- I JUST DISCOVERED IT'S A FAKE.
TONG FO HID THE REAL HAMMER BEFORE HE WAS SENT TO PRISON.
IF HE SHOULD ESCAPE AND RETRIEVE IT,
HE'S VOWED TO DECIMATE THE VALLEY OF PEACE.
- WHAT? WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
- WHEN THE FIVE RETURN, I WILL SEND ONE OF THEM INTO THE PRISON
TO LEARN THE LOCATION OF THE HAMMER,
DISGUISED AS SHENG, A FUGITIVE CRIMINAL.
- UH, THAT DOESN'T REALLY LOOK LIKE ONE OF THE FIVE.
WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA, LIKE, PUT A BEARD ON TIGRESS
OR BIG EARS ON MANTIS?
- IF YOU MUST KNOW,
BY USING ONE OF THESE.
- WHOA!
MAGIC EGGS.
- IT'S A SHIFT STONE.
- OOH, CAN I TRY? CAN I TRY?
- HMM.... ALL RIGHT.
HOLD IT IN YOUR HAND AND CONCENTRATE.
[mystical sounds]
- YEAH, I THINK SOMEONE SOLD YOU A BUM SHIFT STONE.
- LOOK IN THE POOL.
- WHOA, SHENG! THAT IS SO COOL.
- THIS IS WHAT YOU NOW LOOK LIKE TO ME AND EVERYONE ELSE.
- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOUR EARS DON'T SEEM SO BIG NOW.
[mystical sounds]
SWEET!
WE DON'T NEED TO WAIT FOR THE FURIOUS FIVE.
I'LL GO INTO CHOR GHOM, ALL DRAGON WARRIOR-STYLE.
- PO...YOU--
YOU HAVE MANY GOOD QUALITIES.
- WELL--
- BUT FINESSE, SUBTLETY, AND CUNNING AREN'T ANY OF THEM.
I'M...SORRY, PO.
IT'S JUST TOO DANGEROUS TO SEND YOU.
WE'LL JUST WAIT FOR THE FIVE TO RETURN AND HOPE.
- I'LL SHOW HIM!
I GOT FINESSE, SUBTLETY, CUNNING...
AND ONE OF THESE.
- NEW PRISONER!
- BET YOU NEVER SAW A PRISONER LIKE ME, HUH?
THAT'S RIGHT!
THE BIG HOUSE HAS GOT A NEW MAYOR,
'CAUSE I'M ONE BAD CRIMINAL-TYPE BAD GUY!
I'M THE BADDEST OF THE BAD YOU EVER--WHA--
[all grunting, groaning]
[doll squeaks]
[eye squeaks]
- BACK IN YOUR CELLS!
- YEAH, CHECK ME OUT,
'CAUSE I'M ALL CRIMINAL-ESQUE AND WHATNOT.
- I'M GONNA MAKE A SWEATER OUT OF YOU!
- [gulps] UH, MAYBE AFTER LUNCH.
HEY, WAS THAT TONG FO?
- NO.
- UH, WHATEVER. I'M STILL BAD.
- [roars] - WHOA!
WAS THAT TONG FO? - NO!
- [grunts] - TONG FO?
- NO!
- IS HE AROUND HERE OR--
- ENOUGH QUESTIONS, SHENG!
I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU.
- OOF!
[skittering noises]
[gasps]
AH! - HELLO.
- TONG FO?
UH, HI. I'M, UH...SHENG.
PUT HER THERE.
- I DON'T SHAKE HANDS.
- YEAH, HANDSHAKES ARE FOR LAW-ABIDING CHUMPS, RIGHT?
THAT WAS A TEST.
MAKING SURE YOU'RE A BAD DUDE LIKE ME
WHO ENJOYS VARIOUS CRIMEY...THINGS...THAT--
MAN, YOUR EYES ARE HUGE.
- MY EYES AREN'T BIG.
I HAVE A SMALL SKULL.
MY BRAIN BARELY FITS INSIDE IT.
- YEAH, WELL, GOOD THING IT DOES, RIGHT?
'CAUSE THEN YOU'D BE ALL LIKE, EXPOSED BRAIN AND ALL--
- I'VE HEARD STORIES ABOUT YOU, SHENG.
WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR NOW?
- [laughs] WHAT AM I NOT IN FOR, YEAH?
YEAH?
UH, ONE TIME I WAS, LIKE, DOING A ROBBERY THING
AND THERE WERE THESE GUYS THAT WERE LIKE, "STOP ROBBING US,"
AND I WAS LIKE, "NO."
TRUE STORY.
AND ANOTHER TIME I WAS ASSAULTING AND BATTERY-ING
THIS TEA SHOP 'CAUSE THAT'S HOW I ROLL.
CRIME...DOING, 'CAUSE I'M LIKE--
- YAH!
- OOF! OW!
- LIAR! - HUH?
- LIAR! - WHAT? ME?
NO.
- SHENG?
YOU'RE NOT SHENG!
I HEAR SHENG'S A MASTER OF THE HEAD GAME.
A TRICKSTER.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN A GOOD LIAR.
BAD, BAD LIAR. BOYS.
- YOU'VE GOT HENCHMEN IN YOUR CELL?
COOL.
- UH, WE PREFER THE TERM "ASSOCIATE."
- FUNG?
- HOW DOES HE KNOW YOUR NAME?
- UH...LEGEND, I GUESS.
DUDE, THOSE EYES, SERIOUSLY.
- IT'S NOT MY EYES!
IT'S MY SKULL!
NOW GET HIM OUT OF HERE.
- [chuckles]
[all grunting]
- YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, GOAT?
YOU'RE A BAD LIAR.
A GOOD CRIMINAL NEEDS TO BE A GOOD LIAR.
AND YOU, MY GOATY-GOAT FRIEND, ARE NOT.
YOU LACK FINESSE,
YOU LACK SUBTLETY, AND YOU LACK--
- CUNNING, I KNOW.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT SHIFU SAID.
- WHAT? DID YOU SAY, "SHIFU"?
- DID I?
UH, I MEANT, UH...YES.
YES, I MEANT SHIFU.
'CAUSE HERE'S THE DEAL, MR. TINY SKULL.
- WHOA!
- THAT'S RIGHT, I'M NOT SHENG.
I'M THE DRAGON WARRIOR.
I'M THE BIG OL' PANDA.
AND SHIFU SNUCK ME IN HERE DISGUISED AS SHENG
TO GET INFO FROM YOU.
AND IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME,
THEY'LL BE COMING FOR YOU.
TRY TO WRAP THOSE GOOGLY EYES AROUND THAT, JACK.
HEH.
- [laughs]
OH, GOOD, VERY GOOD.
MAYBE I HAD YOU WRONG, GOAT.
BECAUSE THAT... IS A VERY GOOD LIE...
SHENG.
MWAH.
LET HIM GO, FUNG.
- WHAT, SERIOUSLY?
- AND BRING US SOME DINNER.
- I-I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING DINNER.
OKAY. [scoffs]
IT'S LIKE THREE MONTHS OF SUCKING UP
TO TONG FO DOWN THE DRAIN.
THAT GOAT IS GOING DOWN, GAH-RI.
- [sips soup] - DOWN!
- MMM, NO.
- DARN IT!
[scoffs]
- I COULD USE A GUY LIKE YOU ON THE OUTSIDE, SHENG.
THAT FAKE, STUPID THING YOU DO
WITHOUT FINESSE, SUBTLETY, OR CUNNING, IS BRILLIANT.
- YEAH, BEEN WORKING ON THAT FOR A WHILE.
THAT...FEELS WEIRD.
- OKAY, HERE'S WHAT'S UP.
WHEN I GET OUT, I'M GOING TO DESTROY
ALL WHO HAVE BEEN AGAINST ME
WITH THE SACRED HAMMER OF LEI LANG.
- SACRED HAMMER, HUH?
UH, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
"WHERE WOULD ONE KEEP A HAMMER LIKE THAT?"
HE SUBTLELY ASKED, ALL FINESSE-Y AND CUNNING-LIKE.
- IT'S ON... - YEAH?
- IT'S ON...
- YEAH?
- CAMELBACK MOUNTAIN.
- BINGO!
I MEAN, UH, CAMELBACK, RIGHT.
WELL, I THINK I NEED TO GO VISIT THE, UH, LITTLE GOAT'S ROOM.
TOO MUCH TAINTED PRISON WATER.
- GOAT!
HURRY BACK.
- FOR? - FOR DESSERT.
- [whisper] CAMELBACK, CAMELBACK, CAMELBACK.
[laughs] JUST CHANGE BACK TO PO AND GET ME A HAMMER.
HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW, SHIFU?
AH!
- I'M ON TO YOU, GOAT!
- YOU ARE?
- YEAH, WE'RE TONG FO'S BOOT-LICKING TOADIES.
NOT YOU! US!
- I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S GOT PLENTY OF BOOTS TO LICK
IF YOU'RE INTO THAT SORT OF THING.
WHICH SOUNDS LIKE YOU--
- GAH!
[grunts]
[all grunting]
- A SHIFT STONE.
WHY WOULD HE HAVE--
HE REALLY IS THE DRAGON WARRIOR.
AND HE HAD THE MOXIE TO TELL ME RIGHT TO MY FACE.
I LOVE THIS GUY.
- OKAY, ONCE THOSE GUARDS SEE WHO I REALLY AM--
WHERE'S THE SHIFT STONE?
THE SHIFT STONE!
WHERE IS IT?
- GOAT, YOU'RE BACK.
- UH, YEAH, THERE WAS A LINE SO, UH--
HEY!
- YOU'RE A TRICKSTER, DRAGON WARRIOR.
YOU TOLD ME THE TRUTH AS IF IT WAS A LIE,
BUT IT WAS THE TRUTH, WHICH MADE ME THINK, "HOW?"
AND I'D SAY, "IT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE--"
- WHAT, CUNNING, SUBTLE, FINESSE-Y?
- YEAH, ALL THOSE THINGS.
- NEAT. EXCUSE ME.
YEAH!
[clears throat] YOU'RE ALL DONE, TONG FO.
I KNOW THE HAMMER'S ON CAMELBACK MOUNTAIN,
SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL GIVE UP.
- YOUR ATTITUDE, IT AMUSES ME...
BECAUSE I'M OUT HERE, AND YOU'RE IN THERE.
- NOT FOR LONG.
ONCE THE GUARDS SEE WHO I REALLY AM, I'M--
ONCE THEY SEE-- GIVE ME A SECOND HERE.
ONCE THEY-- SHIFT STONE, SHIFT STONE!
WHERE IS THE--
- ARE YOU LOOKING FOR THIS?
- [gasps] MY SHIFT STONE!
[mystical noise]
- ENJOY BEING TRAPPED IN PRISON, GOAT.
ONE MORE THING.
JUST WANTED TO SAY THANKS FOR HELPING ME ESCAPE.
- NO! SOMEONE STOP HIM!
TONG FO IS ESCAPING!
GUARDS, HELP!
- WHAT'S ALL THE SCREAMING ABOUT?
- THAT GUARD IS TONG FO.
HE'S ESCAPING.
LISTEN TO ME.
I'M THE DRAGON WARRIOR.
- [laughs] THE DRAGON WARRIOR?
RIGHT! I CAN SEE YOU DOING THAT.
THE SUPER GOAT.
[laughs]
- AWW, SHIFU WAS RIGHT ABOUT ME.
THE VALLEY OF PEACE IS DOOMED AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
NO!
- [laughing] LI-LISTEN! LISTEN TO THIS!
- LET ME OUT. I'M THE DRAGON WARRIOR.
I USED A STONE TO MAKE ME A GOAT AND MAKE FRIENDS WITH TONG FO,
BUT HE TOOK THE STONE AND ESCAPED
AND HE'S GOING TO GET THE SACRED HAMMER
AND DESTROY THE VALLEY OF PEACE.
[laughter]
- THAT'S-- THAT'S HILARIOUS, RIGHT?
- HEY, WHERE'S TONG FO?
TONG FO'S ESCAPED!
- TONG FO'S ESCAPED!
- CLOSE THE GATE!
- TONG FO'S ESCAPED! CLOSE THE GATE!
- CLOSING THE GATE!
SOMETIMES, IT'S TOO EASY.
[chuckles]
- LET ME OUT!
- NOT A CHANCE, GOAT.
TONG FO MAY BE GONE, BUT THAT DON'T MAKE YOU--
OOF! - SORRY.
- OOH! - SORRY.
- [grunts] - SORRY.
- [grunts]
[keys jingle]
[groans]
- SORRY.
- MAN, THAT GOAT KICKED OUR BUTTS.
I MEAN, HE WAS ALL LIKE, BRUTAL AND ALL,
BUT HIS EYES, THEY, LIKE, SAID, "I CARE."
WE SHOULD TOTALLY START SUCKING UP TO THE GOAT,
YOU KNOW, JUST UNTIL TONG FO COMES BACK.
- YEAH, BUT WHAT IF THE GOAT DOESN'T WANT US?
- DON'T EVEN TALK LIKE THAT, GAH-RI!
JUST DO WHATEVER THE GOAT SAYS!
[cell door opens]
- I'M BUSTING OUT AND I NEED YOUR HELP.
YOU WITH ME?
[all groaning]
WE GOT TO GET UP THERE.
LITTLE HELP?
- WHA--HUH?
[all grunting]
I'M GONNA HAVE TO SAY, "NO."
- [screaming]
[thud]
- [groans]
[all grunting]
- OOH! - HIYA!
GET THE DOOR!
- HIT IT!
HIT IT AGAIN.
HIT IT!
HIT IT, HIT IT, HIT IT, HIT IT!
- WATCH OUT FOR THE ARCHERS!
- WHAT ARCHERS? [arrow clanks]
DARN IT!
- [grunting]
- RUN, RUN!
[labored breathing]
[panting] STOP RUNNING!
WE MADE IT.
- YEAH. ARE YOU GONNA BARF?
- NO.
[breathes heavily]
MAYBE.
[gulps]
- SO...WHAT NOW?
- WELL, YOU GUYS CAN GET BACK TO BANDIT-ING OR WHATEVER.
I GOT TO KEEP TONG FO
FROM THE SACRED WAR HAMMER OF LEI LANG.
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, YOU'RE GOING AFTER TONG FO?
- UH, YEAH.
- I CAN'T LET YOU DO THAT, GOAT.
TONG FO'S STILL OUR GUY.
- MAKE HIM A COLLAGE OR SOMETHING.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
- WE'RE MAKING COLLAGES?
[crash] OOF!
- [hammering]
- WHAT'S THIS?
A PRISONER ESCAPED FROM CHOR GHOM!
OH, LOOK AT THIS MANIAC.
THAT SINISTER BROW.
THOSE EVIL, PSYCHOTIC EYES!
- AHH, SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY
TO DESTROY THE VALLEY OF PEACE.
- HA!
- GOAT... OR SHOULD I SAY DRAGON WARRIOR?
- TONG FO... OR SHOULD I SAY...
UH--
HAND OVER THE HAMMER!
- YOU DON'T REALLY THINK I'M GONNA DO THAT, DO YOU?
- NO, I FIGURED WE'D HAVE TO FIGHT FIRST.
[both grunting]
- HOLD IT! - MY HEROES!
YOU'VE ARRIVED JUST IN TIME
TO HELP ME CAPTURE THIS TERRIBLE VILLAIN.
HE ESCAPED FROM PRISON.
- TIGRESS, THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE...
- YAH!
- HERE.
- WAH-AH! HA!
- WAIT! THAT'S TONG FO!
HE-- - HIYA!
- [grunts]
[groans]
GUYS, REALLY, I'M PO!
I'M ON A SECRET MISSION!
- HE DOES SOUND LIKE PO.
- LAST TIME I CHECKED, PO WAS A PANDA, NOT A GOAT.
- IT'S A DISGUISE! AH!
OOH! I TOOK SHIFU'S SHIFT STONE.
- HE FIGHTS LIKE PO.
- BEGINNER'S LUCK. HA!
- WAIT! I'LL PROVE IT'S ME.
MONKEY, YOU SHAVED YOUR BACK ONCE ON A DARE.
TIGRESS, YOU CRIED ONCE TWO SUMMERS AGO.
MONKEY, YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE AFRAID OF BIRCH TREES.
TIGRESS DRY HEAVES WHEN SHE HEARS THE WORD "SLURP."
- [gags]
- MONKEY, LOVE SONGS MAKE YOU CRY.
- [gasps]
- AND TIGRESS, WHEN YOU WERE A TEENAGER,
YOU HAD A CRUSH ON SHIFU.
- [gasps] HE REALLY IS PO!
[grunts]
- OW!
IF YOU'RE DONE HITTING ME,
WE NEED TO STOP TONG FO FROM GETTING THE--
- SACRED WAR HAMMER OF LEI LANG.
GUESS WE DON'T NEED THIS ANYMORE.
[stone crumbles]
[mystical noise]
OKAY, FOLKS.
TIME TO START THE SHOW.
- WAIT!
WE'RE HERE TO HELP YOU IN YOUR TIME OF NEED, BOSS.
[all groaning]
- YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, WHAT I REALLY NEED
IS NOT SO MANY INTERRUPTIONS.
- [grunts]
- DON'T LET IT HIT THE GROUND.
[grunts]
[all grunting]
- OW! - HA! AAH!
WHOA!
[grunts]
[both grunting]
- AH!
[both grunting]
OOH!
- FORTUNE HAS SMILED ON US YET AGAIN.
- AGAIN? IT NEVER SMILED ON US BEFORE.
- GAH-RI, YOU KNOW WHAT?
OOF!
[both grunting]
- NO!
YAH!
- I ADMIRE YOUR TENACITY.
I REALLY DO.
BUT I'M FASTER THAN YOU,
I'M SMARTER THAN YOU,
AND I'M SMARTER THAN YOU.
- YOU ALREADY SAID THAT.
- THAT'S BECAUSE I'M TWICE AS SMART AS YOU.
HA! A LITTLE JOKE THERE.
- [straining] CAREFUL...THERE.
HAMMER...GO BOOM!
- YOUR TOMFOOLERY IS GROWING TIRESOME TO ME
IN AN IRRITATING SORT OF WAY.
- THEN YOU'RE REALLY GONNA HATE...
THIS!
- WAH!
WAH!
[all gasp]
- DESTROY THEM AND YOU CAN BE MY LACKEYS FOREVER.
- YES!
YOU HEARD THE MAN! WIPE THEM OUT!
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LITTLE CROC?
- A SHIFT STONE!
I THOUGHT SHIFU HAD ALL OF THOSE.
- I DO.
[mystical noise]
- [gasps]
SHIFU.
- THIS IS AN EVENTUALITY I DID NOT FORESEE.
I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED.
- AT LEAST WE'RE TOGETHER.
- SO YOU WERE A CROC THE WHOLE TIME?
- NOT THE WHOLE TIME.
AFTER I SAW YOU HAD TAKEN THE SHIFT STONE,
I DECIDED TO GO AFTER YOU.
- 'CAUSE YOU THOUGHT I'D MESS EVERYTHING UP.
- NO. WELL, YES.
BUT I WAS WRONG.
I UNDERESTIMATED YOU, PANDA.
WITHOUT YOU, WE NEVER WOULD HAVE STOPPED TONG FO.
- YOU MEAN THAT? - I DO.
- WHY DON'T YOU TWO JUST HUG ALREADY?
- CAREFUL WITH THAT, PO.
- RELAX.
I MAY NOT BE ALL FINESSE, SUBTLE, AND CUNNING-ISH,
BUT I'M NOT...
[explosion]
STUPID.