- WA-CHA! HIYAH!
- AND NOW DREAMWORKS' KUNG FU PANDA:
LEGENDS OF AWESOMENESS.
[gong rings]
- * HEAR THE LEGENDS OF THE KUNG FU PANDA *
[scatting]
* RAISED IN A NOODLE SHOP *
* NEVER SEEKING GLORY OR FAME *
* HE CLIMBED THE MOUNTAINTOP *
* AND EARNED THE DRAGON WARRIOR NAME *
OOH! AHH! YAH!
* KUNG FU PANDA
[scatting]
* MASTER SHIFU SAW THE WARRIOR BLOSSOM *
* AND MASTER THE SKILLS
* OF BODACIOUS AND AWESOME
* KUNG FU PANDA
[scatting]
* HE LIVES AND HE TRAINS AND HE FIGHTS *
* WITH THE FURIOUS FIVE
* PROTECT THE VALLEY SOMETHING SOMETHING *
* SOMETHING SOMETHING ALIVE *
OOH! AH!
* KUNG FU PANDA
* LEGENDS OF AWESOMENESS
SWEET!
[koto music]
*
- I HEAR YOU'VE GOT SKILLS.
WELL, LET'S SEE HOW YOU DO WITH A GOOSE WITH AN ATTITUDE.
HIYAH!
- BEST KNIVES ON THE MARKET.
ONLY TEN YUAN.
- WELL-- TEN YUAN?
TEN YUAN! ROBBERY!
CALL THE MAGISTERY!
I'M BEING ROBBED HERE! ROBBER!
- USED KNIVES FOR SALE!
GET 'EM WHILE THEY'RE CHEAP!
THREE YUAN!
- WHOO! ONLY THREE YUAN?
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.
- OW! - TAOTIE.
- YOU FELL RIGHT INTO MY TRAP, DRAGON WARRIOR.
[laughs victoriously]
THE ROTATING SHARP THINGS OF DOOM, ACTIVATE!
all: [screaming]
- [grunts]
- [giggles]
- [prolonged grunt]
- [laughs victoriously]
- [grunts]
[prolonged grunt]
- AT LAST, THE MOMENT I'VE DREAMT OF.
[laughs victoriously]
- [grunts] [motor rumbles]
- WHAT?
[groans, whines]
OH, POO.
- [grunts] WA-TA!
- [grunts]
NO, NO, NO!
[groans]
I WAS SO CLOSE! SO MIND-BOGGLINGLY CLOSE!
MIND-BOGGLINGLY!
I ALWAYS LOSE.
YOU BEAT MY IRON CLAWS OF DOOM.
YOU BEAT MY FLYING BAMBOO BIRD OF INCALCULABLE RETRIBUTION.
- DON'T FORGET WHEN YOU TURNED THE TRAINING HALL
INTO A KILLING MACHINE.
- YEAH, BEAT YOU THEN TOO.
- AND NOW I'VE FAILED YET AGAIN.
OH, NO, NO.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY TOP THE SOUL-CRUSHING SHAME
OF YET ANOTHER SOUL-CRUSHING DEFEAT?
[cloth tears]
[all gasp]
- OOPSIE.
- YEP. THAT WOULD DO IT.
- I DIDN'T MEAN TO, UH-- [chuckles]
[all gasp, laugh]
- NO!
[cries]
- DAD? DAD.
- [sobs]
- UH, IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S ALL RIGHT, FOLKS.
HE'S ALL RIGHT.
NOTHING APPROPRIATE TO SEE HERE.
- [giggles]
[stops giggling]
- * HEY NONNY NONNY NO
* HEY NONNY NO
* HEY NONNY NONNY NO - UH, IS HE OKAY?
- * HEY NONNY NO - YOU BROKE MY DAD.
- BUT I DIDN'T--
* HEY NONNY NONNY NO - WAIT, PLEASE! PLEASE!
JUST LET ME TAKE HIM HOME.
IT'S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO.
- WHAT? I CAN'T HELP A BAD GUY.
THAT'D MAKE ME A BAD GUY TOO. - [laughs wildly]
* THERE ONCE WAS A GOAT FROM CHENGDU *
* WHOSE TUSHY GOT STUCK IN SOME GLUE *
[laughs wildly]
- UH, FINE. JUST, JUST, JUST TAKE HIM HOME.
- * THERE ONCE WAS A GOAT *
- BUT DON'T LET HIM DO ANYTHING, YOU KNOW, EVIL.
- * WHOSE TUSHY GOT STUCK IN SOME GLUE *
[laughs wildly]
- OH, YEAH.
YOU REALLY MESSED HIM UP GOOD.
- * 'TWAS A FAIR YOUNG LASS ERE I CAME A CLOGGING *
* WA HOO
- [kung fu shouts]
OW!
STUPID NUNCHUCKS.
AAH! - PANDA.
I HEARD YOU RAN INTO TAOTIE THIS MORNING.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
- UH, TAOTIE? UH, 'CAUSE HE ESCAPED.
IN A HOVERING FLYING HOVERING THING.
- WE'LL HAVE TO GO AFTER HIM AT ONCE.
AND BIAN ZAO AS WELL.
YOU CAN ALL BEGIN YOUR SEARCH HERE,
THEN MAKE YOUR WAY OUT
TO THE SURROUNDING AREAS. [hinge creaks]
THEY COULDN'T HAVE POSSIBLY GOTTEN VERY FAR.
- BIAN ZAO?
- CRANE, MONKEY, COVER THE ROAD OUT OF TOWN.
THE REST, COVER THE NORTH.
- [softly] WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
IF SHIFU FINDS OUT--
- IT'S MY DAD. HE'S IN REAL BAD SHAPE.
YOU HAVE TO HELP HIM.
- ME?
ARE YOU CRAZY?
- NO! HE IS. BECAUSE OF YOU.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO HUMILIATE HIM LIKE THAT
AND STUFF.
PLEASE, PO.
AS LAME AS IT IS,
HE'S ALL I HAVE.
- BUT I--OH.
FINE.
BUT NONE OF HIS TRICKETY-TRICKS,
OR I'LL BE FORCED TO-- WHA-HA!
- NO TRICKS. JUST TALK TO HIM.
OW! OW!
[gasping]
- PANDA?
- DAD? I'M HOME.
- OH, THAT'S NICE.
[crash]
* OH, SWEET CHIN LEE LA LA LA *
- UM, WHAT ARE YOU-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- NOTHING. JUST DESTROYING MY LIFE'S WORK.
INVENTIONS, HOPES,
YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING.
OH, SO POINTLESS.
[shards clinking]
- UH, YEAH. [clinking, banging]
ABOUT MAKING FUN OF YOU BEFORE...
THAT WASN'T COOL. AND...
I'M SORRY.
- NONSENSE! YOU FINALLY MADE ME SEE THE TRUTH--
WHAT AN UTTER FAILURE I AM AS A VILLAIN.
THANKS, PO.
- YOU'RE WELCOME?
- PLUS, YOU'VE ALSO STRIPPED ME OF ALL PURPOSE IN LIFE!
SO IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M GONNA SOB!
UNCONTROLLABLY.
[sobbing wildly]
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU GOT TO FIX HIM.
- I APOLOGIZED. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?
- FIGURE SOMETHING OUT!
OR ELSE!
- HEY, HEY, CAREFUL. THAT'S NOT A TOY.
IS IT A TOY?
[smack] [groans]
NOT A TOY.
- [sobbing] - YOU FIX MY DAD.
LOOK, B.Z., BACK OFF BEFORE I--
[grunting]
OW!
STUPID, DEFECTIVE NUNCHUCKS.
[clang]
- THEY ARE NOT DEFECTIVE.
THE ERGONOMICS ARE DISPROPORTIONATE
TO YOUR BODY DYNAMIC.
- ERGO-WHO, NOW?
- I COULD CREATE A WEAPON
IDEALLY SUITED TO YOUR BODY TYPE.
PERFECT!
THIS CONTAINS ALL THE INFORMATION I NEED
TO DESIGN THE PERFECT WEAPON FOR YOU.
- BUT WHY WOULD YOU--
- GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING, PO,
YOU'RE PROBABLY THE CLOSEST THING I HAVE
TO--TO AN ACTUAL FRIEND.
- HANG ON, HANG ON.
WE REALLY CAN BE FRIENDS.
AND YOU CAN HAVE AN ENTIRELY NEW PURPOSE IN LIFE!
ONE THAT'S EVEN PURPOSE-IER! [crash]
- HOW'S THAT?
- YOU CAN BECOME A GOOD GUY!
YOU'LL BUILD YOUR GADGETS,
BUT THEY'LL BE CRIME-FIGHTING GADGETS!
- WHA-- WHAT'S THE CATCH?
- NO CATCH. IT'S JUST--
WELL, I FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT, YOU KNOW.
- CAUSING MY UTTER MENTAL BREAKDOWN?
- YEAH. THAT AND...
I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS.
I BELIEVE IN YOU.
- MEET ME IN TOWN AT NOON TOMORROW.
I'LL HAVE YOUR NEW NUNCHUCKS ALL READY.
AND THANKS, PAL.
- YOU GONNA BUY AN APPLE, OR WHAT?
- HUH? OH, NO, SORRY.
I'M JUST KILLING TIME UNTIL-- - PO.
- AAH!
- PLEASE TELL ME YOU WEREN'T JUST BUYING APPLES
WHILE WE SEARCHED FOR TAOTIE?
- AAH!
- I WISH.
- * LASS ERE I CAME A CLOGGING *
PO!
I'M--
- GOOD JOB, PO. GET HIM!
- GUYS, STOP!
all: [grunt]
- YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.
- YEAH, ACTUALLY WE DO. A LOT.
- IN THAT CASE, YOU ALL LEAVE ME WITH NO CHOICE.
[laughs wildly]
TAOTIE, DON'T! NO!
- AS I SAID, YOU ALL LEAVE ME WITH NO CHOICE! HA!
[clank]
NO CHOICE BUT TO SHOW OFF THESE NEW NUNCHUCKS.
THE CARRYING CASE IS HAND-STITCHED SOY.
- WHOA!
[clink]
- WOW, THEY-- THEY FEEL GREAT.
- THEY SHOULD.
I DESIGNED THEM TO FIT YOU LIKE A GLOVE.
- [grunts]
- WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?
- WHY IS TAOTIE GIVING PO PRESENTS?
- UH, DIDN'T THAT WALL BELONG TO SOMEONE?
- GUYS, LISTEN.
TAOTIE'S CHANGED.
HE'S GONE STRAIGHT.
- YOU CAN'T BELIEVE THAT. HE'S A VILLAIN!
- PLEASE, STOP.
HE'S MY FRIEND.
AND THAT MEANS MORE TO ME THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY KNOW.
WHEN I WAS A LAD,
THE ONLY COMPANION I HAD WAS A YOUNG GOAT.
I CALLED HIM GOATIE.
WE WERE INSEPARABLE.
I EVEN SHOWED HIM MY VERY FIRST INVENTION--
THE MAGNIFICENT MAGNIFIER.
I WAS SO PROUD.
BUT GOATIE WAS JEALOUS OF MY TALENT.
HE STOLE THE MAGNIFICENT MAGNIFIER
AND MOCKED ME.
GOATIE'S BETRAYAL WOUNDED ME DEEPLY.
LATER ON, SHIFU WOULD ALSO TURN AGAINST ME.
AS DID MY MOTHER, MY FATHER,
AND MY UNCLE-- [flies buzz]
WHO I NEVER REALLY LIKED ANYWAY.
AND THEN THERE'S THE CLERK AT THAT CART WASH I GO TO.
- I'LL JUST JUMP IN HERE.
[titters] TAOTIE JUST NEEDS A FRIEND TO BELIEVE IN HIM.
I WANT TO BE THAT FRIEND.
JUST--JUST GIVE ME A FEW DAYS TO CONVINCE YOU.
PLEASE?
- OKAY, OKAY, PO.
BUT IF WE'RE NOT CONVINCED, WE'LL BE COMING FOR TAOTIE.
- AND MY GUESS IS SHIFU WILL BE COMING FOR YOU.
- WELL, THAT WENT WELL.
[sobbing, sniffling]
- SO HOW'D IT GO?
- TAOTIE, WAIT UP!
IT CAN STILL WORK.
WE JUST HAVE TO PERSUADE THE FIVE
THAT YOU'RE ON THE LEVEL.
[nunchucks whir] - HOW?
- WELL...
YOU CAN DESIGN COOL WEAPONS FOR THEM LIKE YOU DID FOR ME.
- THAT IDEA ISN'T ENTIRELY LAME.
- IT MIGHT WORK.
BUT OF COURSE,
I'D NEED THEIR EXACT MEASUREMENTS.
- HMM. JUST LEAVE IT TO THE PO MAN.
- REALLY?
OH, PO. YOU'RE THE BEST PAL EVER.
- [grunts] AND YOU'RE GONNA BE
THE BEST CRIME-FIGHTING ASSISTANT EVER.
- ASSISTANT?
- [yawns]
[squeak]
[creak]
[grunts]
HA.
[bang, crash] AAH! [grunts]
- THERE. PERFECT.
- UH, HERE ARE ALL THE MEASUREMENTS.
NOT QUITE AS EASY TO GET AS I'D HOPED.
- DON'T WORRY. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEED.
THE FURIOUS FIVE WILL GET THE SURPRISE OF THEIR LIVES.
- THIS IS GREAT!
I'M TELLING YOU, TAOTIE,
YOU REALLY ARE GONNA BE THE BEST--
- ASSISTANT EVER.
YES! SO YOU KEEP SAYING.
- BEST CRIME-FIGHTING ASSISTANT, HIGH FIVE.
- HEY, PO. THANKS FOR HELPING MY DAD.
- NO WORRIES, B.Z.
BEST CRIME-FIGHTING ASSISTANT'S SON, HIGH FIVE.
[grunts]
YEAH. LAME.
GOT IT.
- HOW ABOUT THAT PO?
AFTER ALL THE TIMES I TRIED TO DESTROY HIM,
HE STILL REACHES OUT TO ME WITH KINDNESS AND UNDERSTANDING.
THE FOOL!
[maniacal laugh]
PERFECT!
THOSE MEASUREMENTS GAVE ME ALL THE INFORMATION I NEED
TO DESTROY PO AND THE FURIOUS FIVE,
ONCE AND FOR ALL.
- BUT ISN'T PO YOUR NEW BEST LAME FRIEND?
- WOULD A REAL FRIEND DENIGRATE ME TO THE ROLE OF ASSISTANT?
WINGMAN? FIFTH WHEEL?
SECOND FIDDLE?
[papers rustle]
NEVER!
STILL, I AM GRATEFUL TO PO
FOR REAFFIRMING MY TRUE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
- WHICH IS? - DESTROYING PO!
[fizzing, bang]
MY MOMENT OF ULTIMATE TRIUMPH IS FINALLY AT HAND.
[boom] [chortles]
all: HIYAH!
- WE GOT HERE AS SOON AS WE COULD. STAY CALM.
WE'RE--
- YOU GUYS WANNA BUY SOME APPLES?
- I DON'T SEE AN ARMY OF AX-WIELDING GORILLA WARRIORS.
- YEAH. WHO SENT WORD THAT THE VILLAGE WAS BEING INVADED?
- [chuckles] SORRY.
THAT WOULD BE ME.
HAD TO GET YOU GUYS HERE SOMEHOW.
- OH, FORGET IT.
- YOU WANT TO HIT HIM FIRST, OR CAN I?
- I'LL DO IT. - WA--WA--WAIT!
I CAN PROVE THAT TAOTIE'S REALLY GOING STRAIGHT.
TAOTIE, BUDDY!
OKAY, I WARMED THEM UP FOR YOU.
READY TO WIN THEM OVER?
- I'LL MAKE AN IMPRESSION, ALL RIGHT.
THAT I PROMISE YOU.
- LISTEN, I GOT YOU SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW, TO SAY "WELCOME TO THE GOOD GUY TEAM."
I SENT ALL THE WAY TO THE HUNAN PROVINCE FOR IT.
- PO, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
IN FACT, THERE'S REALLY ONLY ONE WAY YOU CAN THANK ME.
BY BEING OBLITERATED!
- [grunts]
[mechanical whirring]
- [laughs victoriously]
[pounding footfall, clanking]
- TAOTIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I THOUGHT WE WERE PALS.
I BELIEVED IN YOU.
- SORRY, DRAGON WARRIOR,
BUT TAOTIE PLAYS ASSISTANT TO NO ONE.
NOW FEEL THE FURY
OF MY DEADLY, MECHANICAL, AUTO-AMBULATED ADAPTO-BOT.
- NEEDS A NAME THAT'S NOT LAME.
- QUIET, YOU.
- ANYTHING THE PANDA CAN DO, IT CAN DO.
[clank]
- COOL. [pounding footfall]
TAOTIE, STOP! THIS NEVER WORKS!
REMEMBER THE CLAWS OF DOOM?
THE FLYING BAMBOO BIRD OF INCALCULABLE--AAH!
[grunting]
- IT BELLY-BUTTED HIM.
THAT'S PO'S MOVE. - HAH!
THE PANDA FALLS DOWN PRETTY HARD.
LET'S SEE HOW IT DOES THAT.
[robot growls]
HAH!
- [kung fu shouts]
- YAH! HAH!
- [grunts]
both: [grunt]
both: YAH!
- OH! - IT'S GOT TIGRESS'S CLAWS!
- [chortles]
- [grunts]
- MONKEY'S TAIL! - OH!
- HI-YEE!
MY POINTY DEALIES!
OOH!
- [grunts]
[groans]
- YAH! [hollow clang]
[robot hisses]
OH!
- [laughs victoriously]
RUE THE DAY YOU CROSSED TAOTIE!
RUE!
- [blubbers lips] HUH?
all: [groan]
- HANG ON, GUYS! I'M COMING.
[robot grunts]
- [grunts]
- WHAT'S THE MATTER, PO?
DO YOU NEED ASSISTANCE?
- [grunts]
- DAD, THIS IS LAME.
WHAT KIND OF LOSER DESTROYS HIS BEST FRIEND?
- QUIET, SON. DADDY'S BUSY.
- OH!
- BUT HE EVEN GOT YOU A PRESENT.
UM, IT'S PROBABLY LAME, BUT STILL.
- HUH. MIGHT AS WELL TAKE A LOOK, I SUPPOSE.
[gasps]
- NYA-HA-HA-HO-HO!
- IT'S-- IT'S A MAGNIFICENT MAGNIFIER.
JUST--JUST LIKE THE ONE GOATIE STOLE FROM ME.
[lyrical flute music]
*
WE DIDN'T EVEN DO HALF THAT STUFF, BUT--
[sobs]
DOUBLE POO.
- [grunts]
[crash]
[grunting]
[grinding, sizzling] HUH?
TAOTIE? TAOTIE!
- GOT YOUR BACK, BUDDY.
YOU HIT HIM HIGH, I'LL HIT HIM LOW.
- [grunting]
[clanking]
[grunting]
WA-TA!
[bang, crash]
ARE YOU GUYS OKAY?
- [groans]
- WE'RE OKAY.
BUT I KIND OF HURT MY RIGHT WING.
- YEAH, YEAH. GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.
[clink]
- UH, TAOTIE.
THANKS FOR HELPING ME OUT.
- WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?
[cell door clatters shut]
SOME FRIEND!
DOES HE PUT ALL HIS FRIENDS IN PRISON?
WELL, THEY HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF TAOTIE!
WHAT DO YOU THINK, SON?
- LAME.
[koto music]