- WA-CHA! HIYA!
- AND NOW, DREAMWORKS' KUNG FU PANDA:
LEGENDS OF AWESOMENESS.
[gong rings]
* HEAR THE LEGENDS OF THE KUNG FU PANDA *
[scatting]
* RAISED IN A NOODLE SHOP *
* NEVER SEEKING GLORY OR FAME *
* HE CLIMBED THE MOUNTAINTOP *
* AND EARNED THE DRAGON WARRIOR NAME *
OOH! AHH! YAH!
* KUNG FU PANDA
[scatting]
* MASTER SHIFU SAW THE WARRIOR BLOSSOM *
* AND MASTER THE SKILLS
* OF BODACIOUS AND AWESOME
* KUNG FU PANDA
[scatting]
* HE LIVES AND HE TRAINS AND HE FIGHTS *
* WITH THE FURIOUS FIVE
* PROTECT THE VALLEY SOMETHING SOMETHING *
* SOMETHING SOMETHING ALIVE *
* KUNG FU PANDA
* LEGENDS OF AWESOMENESS
SWEET!
- THE VALLEY OF PEACE HAD LONG BEEN A LAND OF KUNG FU,
WHERE THE DRAGON WARRIOR AND THE FURIOUS FIVE
HEROICALLY BATTLED A NEVER-ENDING ARMY
OF VILLAINOUS VILLAINS OF VILLAINY.
IT WAS REALLY COOL, AND SUPER-FUN.
UNTIL HE CAME.
[evil laughter]
WE WERE FORBIDDEN TO USE OUR KUNG FU UNLESS WE HAD
A PERMIT.
WHICH WAS REALLY HARD TO GET.
FIRST YOU HAD TO FILL OUT THIS BIG APPLICATION.
- CURSES.
- THEN A SPECIAL COURIER HAD TO TAKE IT SUPER-FAR AWAY
TO DISTRICT HEADQUARTERS
AND GIVE IT TO THIS GUY.
WHO GAVE IT TO HER, WHO GAVE IT TO HIM,
WHO HAD TO MAKE 40 COPIES AND HAVE IT APPROVED
BY HIM, HER, HIM, HIM, HIM, HER, HER, HIM, HIM, HIM,
AND THIS GUY,
WHO WAS HARDLY EVER THERE
BECAUSE HE TOOK A LOT OF VACATION TIME.
IT TOOK...FOREVER.
BAD GUYS WERE EVERYWHERE,
AND NONE BADDER THAN TSAO, LAO, AND BAO,
THOSE THREE NASTY PIGS WHO HAD RETURNED
TO THE VALLEY OF PEACE TO WREAK HAVOC.
UNABLE TO FIGHT, THE BRAVE WARRIORS
RETREATED TO THE JADE PALACE,
WHERE THEY SPENT THEIR EVERY WAKING MOMENT PREPARING FOR
THE DAY WHEN THEY COULD ONCE AGAIN BE AWESOME.
- 3,455,
3,456,
3,457,
3,458...
- AHEM, YOU'RE IN MY SUN.
[gasps]
MASTER SHIFU!
- WHY AREN'T YOU ALL TRAINING?
- WHAT'S THE POINT?
- WE CAN'T USE OUR KUNG FU.
- SHOULD WE BE LOOKING FOR REAL JOBS?
- OF COURSE NOT.
THIS SITUATION IS MERELY TEMPORARY.
- THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID LAST WEEK.
- AND THE WEEK BEFORE THAT.
- PO!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- PRACTICING.
I FIGURED MAYBE IF WE COULDN'T DO ANYTHING ANYMORE,
WE COULD START A CIRCUS.
- WE ARE NOT STARTING A CIRCUS.
- GOOD.
'CAUSE I STINK AT THIS.
WHOA, OH, UH.
OOH, OH, WAA!
[crash]
IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY, I'M FINE.
- PO!
- YOU FELL ON HIM.
- GET UP.
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MASTER SHIFU?
- [breathes deeply] I--UH--
- YOU KIDDING?
OF COURSE HE'S ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S A KUNG FU MASTER YOU'RE TALKING TO.
GONNA TAKE A LOT MORE THAN THAT TO KEEP HIM DOWN.
[bones crunching]
- YOW!
[bones crunching] WAAAHH!
[bones crunching] AH!
[bones crunching] OH!
[bones crunching] AY-AH-HA-HAI!
[bones crunching] ING-AH-AY-AH!
IT APPEARS I'VE THROWN MY BACK OUT.
- UH-OH.
THE LAST TIME THAT HAPPENED, YOU WERE...
ER, UH, IN BED FOR WEEKS.
[whispering] HE WAS HORRIBLE--HORRIBLE!
- AHA!
THERE YOU ALL ARE.
I HAVE IMPORTANT--
WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?
- AH! HE THREW HIS BACK OUT...
SOMEHOW.
- AH, JOLLY GOOD.
NOW, LISTEN, YOUR KUNG FU PERMIT HAS BEEN APPROVED.
YOU CAN FINALLY GO AFTER THOSE NASTY PIGS.
I THOUGHT YOU'D ALL BE HAPPY.
- WE APPLIED FOR THAT TWO MONTHS AGO.
- THOSE PIGS ARE PROBABLY LONG GONE.
- WHAT'S THE USE OF HAVING A PERMIT
IF THE BAD GUYS AREN'T EVEN AROUND ANYMORE?
- THIS WHOLE THING'S STUPID!
[smack] - AH-OW!
- WHY IS EVERYONE BLAMING ME?
YOU THINK I LIKE THIS?
CRIMINALS RUNNING THROUGH THE STREETS AS THEY PLEASE,
THE WHOLE THING'S MADE ME LOOK RIDICULOUS.
BUT IT'S HOW H.Q. WANTS IT DONE.
NOW HERE'S YOUR PERMIT.
[crash] - OW!
- DO WITH IT WHAT YOU WILL.
GOOD DAY.
[mutters to himself] UNGRATEFUL.
HMPH!
- WHAT SHOULD WE DO, MASTER SHIFU?
- THERE'S A CHANCE THE PIGS ARE STILL IN THE VICINITY.
YOU SHOULD TRY TO FIND THEM.
- YES!
FINALLY, SOME ACTION!
- WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
[all battle cry]
- YEAH!
- OH.
- DID YOU NEED SOMEONE TO STAY AND HELP YOU OUT?
- THAT WOULD BE NICE, YES.
- I'LL GET MONKEY.
- NO!
YOU. - ME?
- LET'S DO THIS THING!
- BUT...KUNG FU.
WE FINALLY GET TO DO SOMETHING.
- YOU CAUSED THIS.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S GOING TO STAY.
NOW HELP ME GET INSIDE.
- [whines]
[groans]
[bones crunching, Shifu screaming]
- DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP MAKING THOSE NOISES?
- YES!
[bones crunching] OH!
[bones crunching] [screaming]
OH-OHH-OH!
- [gasps]
IDEA.
AH, THERE. ALL COMFY?
- NOT PARTICULARLY.
- OKAY, SO, UH,
SO, WHAT A DAY, RIGHT?
SO... [laughing]
I THINK I'M GONNA GO TO MY ROOM.
IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,
JUST RING THAT BELL.
[bell rings] - I'M HUNGRY.
[bowl clatters]
[noodles sizzle]
[bell rings] MY TOES ITCH.
[scratching]
[bell rings] THIS SOUP'S COLD.
- OH.
[bell rings] - TOO HOT NOW.
[bell rings] I WANT TO HEAR A POEM.
[bell rings]
I WANT A BIGGER BELL.
- UH, SHIFU SHOULD BE AROUND SOMEWHERE,
IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND WAITING, SUPERINTENDENT WOO.
I SHALL GO FETCH HIM STRAIGHTAWAY, SIR.
- STRAIGHTAWAY AT LEAST.
I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY ON THIS.
I'VE GOT A MAHJONG GAME WITH THE EMPEROR.
THE EMPEROR!
YOU WANNA SEE MY MAD FACE?
MOVE IT, TUBBY.
- SHIFU?
CONFOUND IT ALL, WHERE ARE YOU?
- [snores, snorts]
- LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVEN'T SLEPT A WINK ALL NIGHT.
- I HAVEN'T.
- WHY? [bell rings]
- WHAT'S ALL THAT RACKET OUT THERE?
- AH, THERE YOU ARE.
WE HAVE TO TALK.
- THIS ISN'T A GOOD TIME.
- I'M GOING TO BED.
- NO, HE WANTS TO MEET YOU TOO.
- WHO? - WOO.
- WHO? - YES?
- WHAT? - NO, NOT HU WHO.
WHO WHO?
- NO, WOO WHO.
- WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT?
- HE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE--
OKAY!
ENOUGH WITH THE BELL! STOP WITH THE BELL!
- MY SUPERVISOR, SUPERINTENDENT WOO, IS IN TOWN.
HE'S NONE TOO HAPPY ABOUT ALL THE CRIMINALS RUNNING ABOUT.
SAYS THE SITUATION'S GOTTEN OUT OF HAND.
HE'S GOING TO FIRE ME!
HE'S BLAMING YOU ALL AS WELL.
- BUT IT'S NOT OUR FAULT WE HAVE TO WAIT AROUND FOR A PERMIT.
- THAT'S JUST IT.
HE SAYS HE'S GOING TO SEND IN AN ENTIRE POLICE FORCE
THAT WON'T NEED ANY PERMITS.
THERE WON'T BE ANY NEED FOR YOU, OR THE JADE PALACE, OR ME!
HE'S THREATENING TO SHUT IT ALL DOWN.
- HE CAN'T DO THAT.
- THAT'S WHY I ASKED HIM TO MEET WITH YOU.
NOW GET OUT OF THAT BED.
- HE CAN'T.
- HE HAS TO.
OR WE'LL ALL BE OUT ON THE STREET.
NOW HURRY.
- [sighs] WELL...
HELP ME GET UP.
- IT SHOULDN'T BE BUT A MOMENT.
[bones crunching, Shifu screaming]
[bone crunching and screaming continue]
[struggles] THERE IS NO WAY I CAN GET UP.
- BUT YOU HAVE TO!
- [sighs] WE'RE DOOMED.
- OKAY, WE'RE JUST GOING TO-- - AH!
- MAYBE WE'LL JUST-- - AH!
[bones crunching, Shifu screaming]
- WHAT IS THAT SCREAMING?
- UH, "SCREAMING," DID YOU SAY?
[bones crunching, Shifu screaming]
- UH, YEAH, SCREAMING.
YOU DON'T HEAR IT?
DO YOU HEAR THIS? HUH?
WHAT'VE YOU GOT IN THAT BIG MELON,
SAWDUST AND RICE BAGS?
SCREAMING!
- OH, NO, THAT'S NOT SCREAMING.
HE'S DOING HIS MORNING EXERCISES.
[bones crunching, Shifu screaming]
THEY'RE VERY DIFFICULT.
- MASTER SHIFU, YOU CAN DO IT!
[bones crunching] - BLARG-OH-AH!
- [gasps] WAIT A MINUTE.
REMEMBER WHEN YOU HAD ME READ THE SACRED SCROLLS?
THE VERY FIRST SCROLL HAS A POTION--
- TO RELAX THE MUSCLES.
OF COURSE, PO!
YOU HAVE TO GO MAKE THAT POTION.
- I'M ON IT.
[bangs table] - GAH!
- WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU DO--
- UH, ARE YOU TALKING TO SOMEONE?
- EEH!
- UH, NO, NO.
I WAS JUST, UH-- [laughs nervously]
OOH, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT.
- IT'S A COLUMN.
- AND A FINE ONE, TOO.
DON'T MAKE THEM LIKE THAT ANYMORE.
- [anxious muttering] OKAY--
- WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG?
- OH, LOOK AT THAT.
- IT'S THE SAME COLUMN.
- JUST THOUGHT IT WAS WORTH A SECOND LOOK.
- OOH!
- I'M LOSING MY PATIENCE, HU. [scrolls crash]
DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY MAD FACE?
DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY MAD FACE?!
- IS IT MADDER THAN THAT ONE?
- MUCH.
- THEN...NO.
[bones crunching] - YAH!
[gulping]
AH.
PO! I THINK IT'S WORKING.
[sighs] YES, NOT A LICK OF PAIN.
I'M WALKING.
PO, YOU DID IT.
LET'S GO GREET OUR GUEST.
THIS IS WONDERFUL.
THAT POTION IS REALLY KICK-- AHH, WOO! WOO!
PO, DID YOU FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS PRECISELY?
- I DID BETTER THAN THAT.
YOU WERE IN SO MUCH PAIN,
I MADE IT TRIPLE STRENGTH.
- [gasps]
HIYA, IBEX!
OY, YOU MUST GO THROUGH A TON OF HATS.
YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE OF THE HORNS.
- [gasps]
- I LIKE KUMQUATS!
WHEE!
AND THEY LIKE ME!
- [nervous whimper]
- THIS GUY IS THE GREAT MASTER SHIFU?
- I--UH--WELL--
- [nervous stammering]
OF COURSE NOT.
I AM SHIFU.
- [gasps]
UH, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US FOR JUST A MOMENT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I GAVE SHIFU TOO MUCH POTION.
- WHAT POTION?
- FOR HIS BACK.
I GAVE HIM TOO MUCH, NOW CALM DOWN.
I CAN DO THIS.
- IS THERE A PROBLEM HERE?
- [gasps] NOT AT ALL.
CONSTABLE HU WAS JUST SHOWING ME THIS COLUMN.
IT'S...COLUMN.
IT IS AN HONOR TO MEET YOU, SUPERINTENDENT WOO.
- IF YOU'RE SHIFU,
THEN THAT MUST BE THE ONE THEY CALL PO,
THE DRAGON WARRIOR.
- I HAVE AIR IN MY BODY.
WHEE!
- I HEARD HE WAS KIND OF ODD.
- ODD? WHO SAID HE WAS ODD?
I MEAN, UH, YES, THAT'S PO.
OUR AWESOME LITTLE ODDBALL.
TUT, TUT.
- I'M MAKING EGGS.
EGG, EGG, EGG, EGG.
- HE MAY BE CUCKOO-CRAZY,
BUT I UNDERSTAND HE'S LETHAL.
- YOU UNDERSTAND CORRECTLY.
I'D HATE TO BE THE ONE TO GO UP AGAINST HIM.
- OOH, SILKY!
- UH, LET US STROLL THE COURTYARD.
SO YOU SEE, SUPERINTENDENT WOO,
THE AWESOME WARRIORS OF THE JADE PALACE
HAVE KEPT THE VALLEY SAFE FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS.
- [giggles]
- IT'S A, UH, TRAINING DEVICE.
MY OWN INVENTION.
WE HAVE ALWAYS DONE WHAT IS RIGHT.
OUR MISSION HAS BEEN TO KEEP THE PEACE
AND STOMP OUT "EVILNESS-NESS." - [yawns]
- WE WOULD HAVE STOPPED THOSE NO-GOOD PIGS RIGHT AWAY,
BUT SINCE WE HAD TO WAIT FOR A PERMIT...
WELL, YOU SEE THE DIFFICULTY.
- I SEE.
[clears throat] WELL, I MUST SAY,
I AM IMPRESSED, MASTER SHIFU.
MOST IMPRESSED. - [coos like a baby]
[bell rings]
- MM, VERY WELL.
I'M PREPARED TO SIGN OVER CONTROL
OF THE JADE PALACE TO YOU, MASTER SHIFU...
IF I CAN SEE THE DRAGON WARRIOR DO SOME FIGHT STUFF.
- WHAT?
- YOU MEAN, NOW? - [coos like a baby]
- OH, NO, OF COURSE NOT.
NEXT WEEK, MAYBE, I COULD PROBABLY SLEEP ON THE COUCH--
YES, NOW!
- WAH!
WAH!
HIYAH, WAH!
- UH, FIGHT.
- SO EXCITING!
- ARE YOU SURE THIS IS KUNG FU?
I THOUGHT IT WAS DIFFERENT.
- WHAT? UH, AH, NO.
IT'S A NEW STYLE, AH--
- UH, ER, BEAN BUN.
- UH, BEAN BUN DRAGON.
- BOK CHOY.
- BEAN BUN DRAGON BOK CHOY STYLE.
UH, YEAH, LOOK HOW HE'S SNEAKING UP ON ME,
LIKE A BEAN BUN.
- I HAVE FINGERS.
- TAKE THAT, AWESOME DRAGON WARRIOR!
OOH! AH! UH-OH.
OH, YEAH. AH!
- WHEE-YAH.
- HM.
MAYBE IF I SAW HIM DO THAT THINGY.
[machinery whirls]
- [giggles]
HAPPY FEET!
WOO, WOO, WHEE!
YOO!
YAH!
- [laughs nervously]
- OOH, YEAH.
HM, HUH, OH.
- OH, HE'S GOOD.
- OOH, HM.
- [gasps]
- OH, YAH, WOW, WHEE.
[rapid gibberish]
OH, WOW.
WALNUTS FOR EVERYONE.
YAY!
- HA-HA.
- WELL, I'VE SEEN ENOUGH, MASTER SHIFU.
I'LL JUST SIGN RIGHT HERE AND THE JADE PALACE
WILL RETURN COMPLETELY TO--
- PO! - HUH, WHAT?
- MASTER SHIFU.
WE SEARCHED ALL NIGHT.
WE COULDN'T FIND THE PIGS ANYWHERE.
THEY MUST BE HIDING OUT.
- AH, THANK YOU, TIGRESS. - OH, OOH.
- THAT WILL BE ALL.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH SHIFU?
- WITH ME?
AH, NOTHING, I'M FINE.
- NOT YOU. SHIFU.
- I'M SHIFU.
- OF COURSE HE IS. - WHO?
- ME! I'M SHIFU.
- WHAT THE HECK'S GOING ON?
- THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.
NOW WHO IS SHIFU?
all: HIM!
- I SEE.
TRYING TO MAKE A JOKE OF ME, EH?
BIG JOKE, RIGHT? [laughs sarcastically]
- NO, NO, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.
YOU SEE--
- OH, YEAH, I SEE.
I SEE PLENTY!
I SEE I ALMOST ENTRUSTED THE VALLEY OF PEACE
IN THE HANDS OF A LUNATIC!
- I LIKE CHECKERS!
- AS OF THIS MOMENT,
I AM SHUTTING THE JADE PALACE DOWN FOR GOOD.
IT'S FINISHED! KAPUT!
OVER! THE END!
DONE, ET CETERA!
- [snores]
- FEELING BETTER, MASTER SHIFU?
- MUCH, YES.
THANK YOU FOR THE TEA.
- SO WE ACTUALLY DO NEED JOBS, RIGHT?
- I'M AFRAID YOU DO.
- NO. THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.
- YES, IT IS.
- MM.
- NOW, LOOK, PLEASE BE REASONABLE.
THE VALLEY NEEDS SHIFU AND HIS TEAM.
YOU CAN'T JUST SHUT THE JADE PALACE DOWN LIKE THAT.
- WANT TO BET?
I CAN AND I HAVE.
BOOM! BAM! SHUT! ET CETERA!
AND AS FOR YOU, YOU BIG-HEADED PACHYDERM,
YOU GIANT GRAY PILLOW WITH A NOSE,
YOU'RE FIRED!
- FIRED? - FIRED!
LIKE, DON'T SHOW UP TOMORROW.
GOOD DAY.
- FIRED. CANNED. SACKED.
CUT DOWN IN THE PRIME OF MY BUREAUCRATIC CAREER.
[gasps] WHATEVER WILL I TELL MOTHER?
- GOING SOMEWHERE?
- SUSSED THAT OUT, DID YOU?
I'M WALKING ON A ROAD, RIGHT?
RIGHT!
NOW, OUT OF MY WAY, I HAVE IMPORTANT BUSINESS
TO ATTEND TO.
- OOH, "IMPORTANT BUSINESS."
- DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE IMPORTANT?
- YOU BET YOUR CURLY LITTLE TAILS IT DOES.
REAL IMPORTANT.
- THEN, MR. IMPORTANT,
THEY'LL PROBABLY PAY A LOT OF MONEY TO GET YOU BACK.
[all laugh]
- NO! UNHAND ME THIS INSTANT!
HELP!
I'M BEING ABDUCTED BY DISGUSTING PIGS!
- "DISGUSTING"? IS THAT NICE?
- GOOD GRACIOUS.
[doors open]
SUPERINTENDENT WOO!
HE'S BEEN ABDUCTED BY THOSE NASTY PIGS.
- WHERE?
- THE ROAD OUT OF TOWN.
- WE'LL TAKE THE SHORTCUT THROUGH THE FOREST,
HEAD THEM OFF!
- PLEASE, PLEASE! LET ME GO!
I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT.
PLEASE.
- HE'S A REAL WHINY BOY. [laughs]
- HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?
LONG TIME, NO SEE.
- OH! THANK HEAVEN!
BACK OFF, YOU HAIRLESS GOBS.
THEY'RE HERE TO RESCUE ME.
- OH, UM, YEAH, ABOUT THAT.
SORRY, BUT, UH, WE CAN'T.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- WE CAN'T BECAUSE YOU KIND OF SHUT US DOWN.
WE DON'T WANT TO BREAK ANY LAWS BY FIGHTING THESE GUYS.
- OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
- YES, WHAT A PITY.
- SO, GOOD LUCK WITH THINGS.
SEE YA.
- AM I JUST DUMB,
OR DO YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON EITHER?
- BOTH.
- NO! PLEASE, YOU HAVE TO SAVE ME.
PLEASE!
NO MAD FACE, I PROMISE.
- YEAH, BUT THE JADE PALACE--
- IS RETURNED TO SERVICE!
I'M NOT SHUTTING IT DOWN.
NO, OF COURSE IT'S OPEN.
CAN'T YOU TAKE A JOKE? [laughs weakly]
- [whispers] AND MY JOB?
- AND CONSTABLE HU'S JOB?
- OH, OH, YES. YES, OF COURSE.
HE'S NOT FIRED. ANOTHER JOKE.
YOU GUYS GOTTA LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE.
- [whispers] AND A PAY RATE INCREASE?
- AND A PAY RA--HEY.
- WORTH A TRY.
- EVERYTHING WILL GO BACK TO NORMAL.
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
JUST PLEASE, HELP ME.
- WELL, IN THAT CASE.
HWAA!
- [grunts]
[bones crunching] - OH, OH.
[both grunting]
[bones crunching] OW!
[both grunting]
[bones crunching] YAA!
[smack] AW!
- [gasps]
HYUH-HA!
[grunting]
- OW!
- SHIFU, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M DOING THIS.
[boom]
- WACHA! [thud]
- I SAY, THAT DOES LOOK LIKE FUN.
- RIGHT?
- [screaming]
NO!
AH!
- OH! - OOF!
- [screams]
- [grunting] A LITTLE MORE, A LITTLE MORE.
A LITTLE--GAH!
- OH!
- [screaming]
- CONGRATULATIONS, SHIFU.
THE VALLEY OF PEACE IS RETURNED TO YOUR CARE.
- THANKS TO PO'S QUICK THINKING.
GOOD JOB, PANDA.
- THANKS, MASTER SHIFU.
- WELL, WITH YOU ALL TAKING CARE OF THE CRIMINALS,
I CAN RETURN TO MY OFFICE IN THE VILLAGE
AND FOCUS ON MY REAL PASSION:
[laughing] PAPERWORK.
- BANDITS!
IN THE VILLAGE SQUARE!
[chime]
- ENJOY.
- WOO-HOO!
all: HIYA!