- WA-CHA! HIYAH!
male announcer: AND NOW
DREAMWORKS' KUNG FU PANDA: LEGENDS OF AWESOMENESS.
- [grunts] [gong rings]
* HEAR THE LEGENDS OF THE KUNG FU PANDA *
[scatting]
* RAISED IN A NOODLE SHOP
* NEVER SEEKING GLORY OR FAME *
* HE CLIMBED THE MOUNTAINTOP
* AND EARNED THE DRAGON WARRIOR NAME *
OOH! AHH! YAH!
* KUNG FU PANDA
[scatting]
* MASTER SHIFU SAW THE WARRIOR BLOSSOM *
* AND MASTER THE SKILLS OF BODACIOUS AND AWESOME *
* KUNG FU PANDA
[scatting]
* HE LIVES AND HE TRAINS AND HE FIGHTS *
* WITH THE FURIOUS FIVE
* PROTECT THE VALLEY, SOMETHING, SOMETHING *
* SOMETHING, SOMETHING ALIVE
OOH! AHH! UNH!
* KUNG FU PANDA
* LEGENDS OF AWESOMENESS
SWEET!
[tense music]
[thunder rumbles]
*
- [panting]
[groans]
YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE MOST
ABOUT HOOFING THROUGH ENDLESS MOUNTAIN PASSES?
THE LACK OF REST STOPS!
SERIOUSLY, COULD WE TAKE A FIVER?
- PO, WE'RE ONLY OUT HERE BECAUSE OF YOU.
- ME?
- IF YOU HADN'T GOTTEN DISTRACTED,
WE WOULDN'T BE SEARCHING FOR THE THIEF
WHO STOLE THE GAN XIANG SAPPHIRE.
- I NEVER GET DISTRA-- WHOA!
I CAN TOTALLY SEE MY BREATH.
[exhales]
[both groan]
[exhales]
[groans nervously]
[tense music]
*
- I THINK WE FOUND OUR SAPPHIRE THIEF.
- RIGHT.
- PO, THAT'S NOT-- UGH.
- ALMOST TIME, GRAMPY-PA.
IN MERE MOMENTS, YOUR FAILURE
WILL BECOME MY TRIUMPH.
EXCITING. [cackles]
- [panting]
[groans]
OH. AN ELEVATOR.
- PO.
[thunder rumbles]
- AT LAST.
I JUST NEED LIGHTNING TO STRIKE, AND--
- IT WILL,
IF BY "LIGHTNING," YOU MEAN "MY FIST,"
AND BY "STRIKE," YOU MEAN "STRIKE," WHICH IS--
YOU JUST SAID THAT, SO YEAH!
- THE PANDA? NO! NOT NOW!
- WELL, THE REST OF MY WEEK IS PRETTY JAMMED UP,
SO, YEAH, NOW.
- HAVE IT YOUR WAY.
I'LL TEACH YOU NOT TO STICK YOUR BIG NOSE
WHERE IT'S NOT WANTED.
- IF ANYONE'S TEACHING ANYBODY ANYTHING,
IT'LL BE ME AND MY TOTALLY-PROPORTIONAL NOSE.
[both grunting]
[groans]
- YAH! - YAH!
- WAH! AAH!
- [grunting]
- HA-HA! WAH!
- AAH!
[grunting]
- HUH?
HAH!
- [groans] AAH!
OOH!
YAH! WHOA!
- YAH! - WHOA!
[both grunting]
- NO!
- [scats]
- CAREFUL, YOU FOOL!
- PO! DROP THE LIGHTNING ROD!
- [scats]
LIGHTNING ROD?
[grunting]
[exhales and groans]
- THE GAN XIANG SAPPHIRE!
NO!
- [grunts]
PO. - PO!
- [grunts]
[groans]
- HE'S ALIVE! - WHAT A RELIEF!
- STRUCK BY LIGHTNING. LEAVE IT TO PO.
- HE SMELLS LIKE BURNED FUR.
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, EVERYBODY. SLOW DOWN.
DON'T ALL TALK AT ONCE.
- UH, NOBODY SAID ANYTHING.
THAT LIGHTNING BOLT MUST HAVE ZAPPED HIM CUCKOO.
- I'M NOT CUCKOO, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- GREAT, ANOTHER WEIRD PO THING.
- I AM NOT WEIRD.
IT'S YOU GUYS ARE THE ONES
DOING THE WEIRD "TALKING WITHOUT MOVING YOUR LIPS" STUFF.
- WHAT THE HECK IS HE TALKING ABOUT?
- THAT, THERE! - HE'S REALLY LOST IT THIS TIME.
- NOW YOU'RE DOING IT.
- DOING WHAT?
- [gasps]
WAIT A MINUTE.
I SEE WHAT HAPPENED HERE.
YOU ALL BECAME EXPERT VENTRILOQUISTS
WHILE I WAS UNCONSCIOUS!
I LOVE VENTRILOQUISM.
HEY, MONKEY. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
[imitating Monkey] JUST WISHING I WAS AS BODACIOUS AS YOU, PO.
[grunts]
- I DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT.
DO I? - SILENCE.
- WHAT?
- CAN YOU HEAR WHAT I'M THINKING, PANDA?
- OF COURSE I CAN HEAR WHAT YOU'RE...
THINKING.
WHAT? WAIT, WAIT. WHAT'S GOING ON?
- PO, YOU HAVE ATTAINED THE POWER OF NAO YUEDU.
- [gasps] WHAT? NO!
WHY? WHY ME?
I'M SO YOUNG! [sobs]
OH, THE HORROR! THE HORROR!
[groans]
THIS ISN'T HAPPENING. NO.
NO, NO, NO! [sobs]
- YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, DO YOU?
- NOT AS SUCH.
- LET ME EXPLAIN.
MANY YEARS AGO, THE VALLEY OF PEACE
WAS ENSLAVED BY TONG-FO'S GRANDFATHER,
THE CRIMINAL GENIUS TONG LO.
[thunder rumbles]
TONG LO DISCOVERED A FORGOTTEN RELIC:
THE GAN XIANG SAPPHIRE,
A GEM SO PURE, IT COULD CAPTURE A LIGHTNING BOLT...
AND IMBUE ITS OWNER WITH THE POWER OF NAO YUEDU,
THE ABILITY TO READ MINDS.
NO FOE COULD STAND AGAINST HIM.
[water splashes]
HE KNEW EVERY SECRET PLAN
AND EVERY HIDDEN THOUGHT.
HE COULD PREDICT THEIR EVERY MOVE.
[explosion]
TONG LO HAD BECOME INVINCIBLE.
- WHOA! NOBODY COULD SEE HIM?
- WHAT? NO, INVINCIBLE.
- WAIT! DOES THIS MEAN I'M INVINCIBLE?
- LET'S TEST IT OUT.
- PALM STRIKE. - PALM STRIKE.
- LEG SWEEP. - LEG SWEEP.
- SIDE ROLL! - SIDE ROLL.
- CLAW FIST! - CLAW FIST.
- WOW.
- SO AWESOME!
THE JADE PALACE NOW FEATURES THE ALL-NEW MIND READING
INVINCIBLE DRAGON WARRIOR.
WHAT COULD BE WRONG WITH THAT?
- WELL, WITH NAO YUEDU, TONG LO WAS AN UNBEATABLE FORCE...
- SEE?
- UNTIL HE WENT UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY MAD.
- SEE? WHAT?
- I'M GONNA GO MAD?
MAD LIKE "ANGRY, GRR" MAD,
OR MAD LIKE... [laughs evilly]
[whimpers, groans] MAD?
- THE SECOND ONE.
MY POINT IS, TONG LO
USED PEOPLE'S SECRETS AGAINST THEM.
THIS KIND OF KNOWLEDGE CAN BE DANGEROUS IN THE WRONG HANDS.
- WE'RE DOOMED! - THIS IS BAD.
- NOT GOOD. - COME ON!
THIS POWER ISN'T IN THE WRONG HANDS.
IT'S IN THE RIGHT HANDS, WHICH ARE IN MY HEAD.
AM I RIGHT, CRANE-IAC?
- I HATE "CRANE-IAC".
[gulps]
- PO, THIS IS SERIOUS.
YOUR VERY SURVIVAL MAY DEPEND ON YOUR DISCIPLINE,
FOCUS, AND CONCENTRATION.
- OOH, THOSE ARE NOT THREE OF MY THINGS.
- AGREED.
- MONKEY, WHAT ARE YOU DO--
OH! HIDING FROM ZENG, HUH?
GUESS YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE PROMISED TO TALK TO HIM
ABOUT HIS MOM'S BOOK CLUB.
- PO! - WHAT? OH!
THAT WAS A SECRET THOUGHT?
[chuckles] YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW
WHAT HE'S THINKING RIGHT NOW.
AND I WISH I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE THINKING.
- NEEDS MORE SAFFRON.
- NO, NO, NOT SAFFRON. I'D GO WITH CUMIN.
- GET OUT OF MY HEAD, PO.
- [scoffs] I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP.
WHO CARES IF YOU LIKE SAFFRON
OR IF MANTIS WONDERS WHY VIPER DOESN'T WEAR ANY CLOTHES?
- AND WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES, SICKO?
- [laughs nervously]
I WON'T TELL ANYONE YOU COLLECT SCENTED FABRICS.
- [screams]
- IF YOU DIDN'T WANNA DO IT,
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID SO! HM.
- I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S JUST SO BORING.
[groans] - COME ON, VIPER.
IT WAS A SIMPLE OBSERVATION,
LIKE TIGRESS DRESSING LIKE A DUDE.
WHAT?
- [sighs]
HEY, DAD.
I'M NOT SURE IF YOU KNOW,
BUT I CAN SORT OF READ MINDS NOW.
- OH, REALLY? I HADN'T HEARD.
THEN IT IS TRUE. THIS IS A DISASTER.
- UH, YEAH, SO, ANYWAY,
EVERYONE'S MAD AT ME AT THE JADE PALACE.
MIND IF I HELP OUT HERE FOR A WHILE?
- DON'T THINK ABOUT WHERE THE MONEY'S HIDDEN.
DON'T THINK ABOUT WHERE THE MONEY'S HIDDEN.
- UH, DAD?
- OH--OH, YEAH! OF COURSE, SON!
SOUNDS GREAT.
SOUNDS AWFUL. WHAT IF HE SUSPECTS?
- SUSPECTS WHAT? - WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
HE KNOWS, HE KNOWS.
- BUT I'M NOT-- - JUST ACT CASUAL, PING.
CASUAL.
- DAD, WHAT ARE YOU-- - DON'T THINK OF IT!
PO DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW
THAT I'VE BEEN WEARING THE SAME UNDERSHORTS
FOR SEVEN YEARS.
[gasps] WH--WH--WHOO! FINE!
JUST STRIP ME BARE AND PEER INTO MY SOUL
WITH YOUR MERCILESS MIND READING MUSCLES!
HAPPY NOW?
- NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT.
- JUST GO AND SERVE THIS FOOD, AND GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN.
GET OUT!
- [sighs] HERE YOU GO, MRS. YOON.
- THANK YOU, PO.
THIS SOUP NEVER HAS ENOUGH SALT.
- OH, GREAT, 'CAUSE I'D HATE FOR YOU
TO RUN OUT OF THINGS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT.
- HOW DID HE KNOW?
- THEY COULD FIT MORE TABLES IN HERE
IF PO WASN'T THE WAITER.
- YOU COULD STAND TO LOSE A FEW POUNDS YOURSELF,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- I HOPE PO DIDN'T HAVE HIS THUMB STUCK IN THE BOWL AGAIN.
- WATCH IT, BUDDY, OR I'LL DO MORE THAN THAT WITH IT.
GAH!
IF YOU DON'T HAVE SOMETHING NICE TO THINK,
THEN DON'T THINK ANYTHING AT ALL!
OH! SORRY, EVERYBODY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO-- - HE'S IN OUR HEADS!
- HE'S A WITCH! - THOUGHT THIEF!
- WITCH! - NO, NO, NO, NO! I'M NOT!
AND TECHNICALLY IT WOULD BE "WARLOCK."
- RUN AWAY, WITCH!
- THE DRAGON WARRIOR! - THERE HE IS!
- HE LOOKS LIKE A PARADE FLOAT.
- NO! STOP!
- HUH? WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?
- DUDE HAS NO NECK.
- BURLAP PANTS IS SO LAST YEAR.
- [sniffs]
[sighs]
THAT'S THE STUFF.
- [panting] - GAH!
- THAT MIND READING PANDA IS A MENACE!
- THE LAST PIECE.
CAREFUL NOW.
NO!
THAT PANDA HAS MY POWER.
HE'S PROBABLY HAVING THE TIME OF HIS CHUNKY LIFE.
- UH, MASTER SHIFU?
I HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM. - REALLY?
HUH, THAT'S A BIG, HONKING SURPRISE.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE-- - PO!
PO IS OUT OF CONTROL.
- THE WHOLE VILLAGE IS FREAKIN' OUT!
- WE CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS.
- FINE, I LOVE SCENTED FABRIC.
HAPPY NOW?
- I'M SORRY, EVERYONE.
AND FOR THE RECORD, SHIFU, I'M NOT BOTHERED
BY YOUR TEA BREATH LIKE SOME OTHERS
WHOM I WILL NOT NAME.
TIGRESS.
- AS OF NOW, I AM NO LONGER THINKING ANY THOUGHTS.
LA, LA, LA, LA, LA.
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
- ME TOO. NOT THINKING.
NOT THINKING! - DOO-DEE-DOO-DOO-DOO.
- NOT THINKING, NOT THINKING. - [whistles]
- COME ON, GUYS. CUT IT OUT!
- SCENTED FABRICS-- WAIT, NO.
UNSCENTED FABRICS. - NO. STOP.
NO!
[overlapping thoughts] OW!
- ENOUGH!
IF YOU DON'T STOP, YOU'RE GONNA DRIVE PO...
- [screams]
- MAD.
- GAH!
NO! [overlapping thoughts]
- WHERE IS HIS NECK?
[overlapping thoughts]
- I LIKE TURTLES.
[overlapping thoughts] - NO.
STOP. IT'S TOO MUCH.
[overlapping thoughts]
[screams]
OOH!
[screams]
[panting]
OH, MAN.
READING MINDS IS THE WORST, BEST,
AWESOME, BAD, GREATEST, HORRIBLE THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME!
I NEED TO GET EVERYBODY'S HEAD OUT OF MY HEAD!
- OW! OW!
OW! OW! OW!
I FAILED YOU, GRAMPY-PA.
I WANTED TO MAKE YOU SO PROUD.
OW!
YOU HAD A SIMPLE DREAM:
TO CONTROL CHINA USING SECRET CRYSTAL-POWERED
MAGIC LIGHTNING MIND POWERS
WITH CRYSTAL POWER TOWERS
EVERY 20 KILOMETERS ON THE HALF HOUR.
SIMPLE.
BUT NOW THAT POWER IS GONE!
IF ONLY THERE WAS A WAY TO GET BACK.
OH, WHO AM I KIDDING?
THINGS LIKE THAT NEVER HAPPEN.
- TONG FO!
I CAN'T STOP READING MINDS, AND IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN GET THIS POWER OUT OF MY HEAD.
PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME.
- HELLO.
- DON'T TRY ANYTHING FUNNY.
- OF COURSE NOT, DRAGON WARRIOR.
I MAY HAVE SOMETHING HERE TO HELP
LIKE THAT TRAP DOOR YOU'RE ON.
- I HEARD THAT.
NOW, HAVE A SEAT. HAH!
- [groans]
RELAX, BIG GUY.
WE CAN TALK THIS OUT...
WITH A POISONED DAGGER, CHUMP!
SORRY.
JUST HAD TO MAKE SURE YOU REALLY HAD THE POWER.
- YEAH, I GOT IT, BUT I GOTTA GET IT GONE!
NOW, TELL ME HOW!
- I'M THINKING.
THE THOUGHT-BLOCKING HELMET.
DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE THOUGHT-BLOCKING HELMET.
BLOCKING. HELMET.
- THOUGHT-BLOCKING HELMET?
- [grunts]
THINK SOMETHING.
- YOU LOSE, PANDA.
- IT DIDN'T WORK. I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS.
- AW!
- NOW WE CAN REALLY GET THAT POWER OUT OF YOUR HEAD.
OH, AND FYI, IT'S GONNA HURT...
A LOT.
- [groans] WHAT'D I MISS?
[thunder rumbles]
- ABOUT TIME YOU WOKE UP, SLEEPYHEAD.
I'LL BE DONE IN JUST A SECOND.
- OKAY, I JUST WANNA--
AH, WAIT! [screams]
- RELAX.
I'M MAKING SOME MODIFICATIONS TO MY HELMET.
LONG STORY SHORT, I'M GONNA RUN LIGHTNING
THROUGH YOUR BRAIN, CAPTURE THE POWER OF NAO YUEDU
INSIDE THE HELMET, AND THEN TRANSFER THAT POWER TO ME.
- REALLY? COOL.
THEN I WON'T BE ABLE TO READ MINDS ANYMORE.
- OF COURSE NOT, BECAUSE YOUR BRAIN WILL EXPLODE.
[mimics explosion]
- HUH. GUESS THAT WOULD DO IT.
[chuckles] [thunder rumbles]
- ENOUGH CHITCHAT. LET'S DO THIS.
- HOW ABOUT WE DO THIS?
HI-YAH! YAH!
- AH! - GUYS!
BUT WAIT A MINUTE.
I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.
- ACTUALLY, WE THINK THAT PRETTY OFTEN.
- STILL, NO ONE STRAPS OUR PO TO A TABLE
AND PUTS A WEIRD HELMET-Y THING ON HIM BUT US.
- HOW TOUCHING.
UNFORTUNATELY, THE PANDA HAS A PRIOR ENGAGEMENT
WITH HIS DOOM.
- WHOA!
[all grunting]
- OW! I SAID, "OW."
- TRY TO MAKE YOUR HEAD SMALLER.
- YAH! - HWAH!
YEOW!
- HA!
- OOF! - HI-YAH!
- HA--OOH!
[thunder rumbles]
- [cackles]
GOTTA RUN.
- GUYS, HELP!
I DON'T WANT MY BRAIN EXPLODED!
[screams]
[thunder rumbles]
TONG FO, DON'T DO THIS.
YOU DON'T WANNA BE INVISIBLE.
- INVINCIBLE.
- WHATEVER!
[thunder rumbles]
- THINK PLEASANT THOUGHTS, DRAGON WARRIOR.
THEY'RE GONNA BE YOUR LAST.
- UNSCENTED FABRICS!
- [grunts]
- CRANE-IAC!
- DON'T CALL ME-- AH, NEVER MIND.
[grunting]
- NO!
[thunder rumbles]
[screams]
[groans]
- [grunting]
I CAN FEEL IT.
YES!
- NO, I CAN'T LET YOU WIN, TONG FO.
- IT'S WORKING, DRAGON WARRIOR.
I'M HEARING YOUR THOUGHTS.
I'M SUCKING THE NAO YUEDU RIGHT OUTTA YOUR FAT SKULL.
- MY SKULL'S NOT FAT.
IT'S BIG-BONED.
- KEEP THINKING, CHUMP, WHILE YOU STILL CAN.
[shimmering tone]
- [screams]
UGH.
- [cackles]
- PO.
PO, YOU CAN'T GIVE UP NOW.
- PO, WAKE UP.
COME ON, BUDDY. OPEN YOUR EYES.
- REMEMBER WHAT SHIFU SAID?
- [cackles]
- YOU CAN DO THIS, PO.
YOU JUST HAVE TO CONCENTRATE.
- FOCUS, DISCIPLINE, CONCENTRATION.
- TOO LATE, PANDA.
- YEAH, FOR YOU.
- NO, NO, NO!
- SHA-KA-BOOEY!
- NO!
[explosion]
- [groans]
- WHAT HAPPENED?
- [groans]
[gasps] PO!
- [groans]
GUYS?
GUYS! I CAN'T HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS!
I'M CURED!
MY HEAD IS COMPLETELY EMPTY.
- YOU GOT THAT RIGHT. - HUH?
- DON'T WORRY. I SAID THAT OUT LOUD.
- OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU!
WAIT. - GO AHEAD.
TIE ME UP.
I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ALL THINKING.
YOU WANT TO GO LOCK ME UP IN CHOR GHOM PRISON,
AND YOU WANT TO STOP FOR A SNACK FIRST.
- OH, NO!
TONG FO STILL HAS THE POWER OF NAO YUEDU!
- DOUBTFUL.
I'M THINKING HE HAS THE POWER
OF STATING THE COMPLETELY OBVIOUS.
- OW! [laughs]
YOU CAN'T A BLAME A GUY FOR TRYING.
- LET'S GO AND GET THAT SNACK.
- WANNA GUESS WHAT I'M THINKING?
- NOT REALLY... [chuckles]
BUT I WAS THINKING
MAYBE WE SHOULD GET TONG FO TO CHOR GHOM
BEFORE THE SNACK.
- YOU READ MY MIND.