- WA-CHA! HI-YAAH!
male announcer: AND NOW
DREAMWORKS' KUNG FU PANDA: LEGENDS OF AWESOMENESS.
- [grunts] [gong rings]
* HEAR THE LEGENDS OF THE KUNG FU PANDA *
[scatting]
* RAISED IN A NOODLE SHOP
* NEVER SEEKING GLORY OR FAME *
* HE CLIMBED THE MOUNTAINTOP *
* AND EARNED THE DRAGON WARRIOR NAME *
OOH! AHH! YAH!
* KUNG FU PANDA
[scatting]
* MASTER SHIFU SAW THE WARRIOR BLOSSOM *
* AND MASTER THE SKILLS OF BODACIOUS AND AWESOME *
* KUNG FU PANDA
[scatting]
* HE LIVES AND HE TRAINS AND HE FIGHTS *
* WITH THE FURIOUS FIVE
* PROTECT THE VALLEY, SOMETHING, SOMETHING *
* SOMETHING, SOMETHING ALIVE *
OOH! AHH! UH!
* KUNG FU PANDA
* LEGENDS OF AWESOMENESS
SWEET!
[exotic flute music]
*
- [panting]
[footsteps approaching]
[panting]
- [slurps]
- [panting] MESSAGE FOR MASTER SHIFU!
[gasping]
- WHOA, WHOA, BIG BREATHS. - [gasping]
- JUST A MESSAGE, NO NEED TO RUSH.
- WHAT IF IT'S AN URGENT MESSAGE?
- OH, MY GOSH, SHE'S TOTALLY RIGHT!
IS IT?
OKAY, UM, BREATHE ONCE FOR NOT URGENT,
TWICE FOR URGENT.
- [gasps] - WHEW!
- [gasps] - URGENT!
- [gasping]
- YEAH, NOW YOU'RE JUST CONFUSING EVERYBODY.
- [panting] FROM MASTER YAO.
- YAO? YOU MEAN---?
- THE SUPER SMART, AWESOMELY POWERFUL KUNG FU MASTER
WHO SPENDS ALL HIS TIME IN A MEDITATION BOX?
- I WAS GONNA SAY "SHIFU'S MAN-CRUSH," BUT YEAH.
- MASTER YAO? DID HE WRITE MY NAME HIMSELF?
BECAUSE THAT WOULD REALLY BE SOMETHING FOR MY SCRAPBOOK--
I MEAN, PERSONAL ARCHIVES. [gasps]
- WHAT IS IT?
- HE'S--HE'S COMING BACK, HERE. TO THE JADE PALACE.
- WHO? - YAO.
- NO! - YES.
- YAO? - YAO.
- WHEN? - TODAY.
- NO! - YES.
- NO! - [flatly] YES.
- NO!
- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
[door creaking]
BUT THIS IS SO SUDDEN! WE HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO PREPARE!
- MASTER YAO REQUIRES ONLY A SMALL RECEIVING AREA
FOR TOMORROW'S WONDER AND WISDOM EXCHANGE.
- MASTER YAO HAS GRACIOUSLY OFFERED TO SHARE THE KNOWLEDGE
HIS YEARS OF MEDITATION HAVE GIVEN HIM.
- TOMORROW, FROM SUNRISE TO SUNSET,
ANYONE WHO BRINGS THE MASTER A NEW WONDER TO EXPERIENCE--
SOME UNIQUE SIGHT, SOUND, SMELL, OR TASTE--
WILL BE PERMITTED TO ASK A SINGLE QUESTION
OF HIS VAST WISDOM.
- WAIT. SO WE BRING MASTER YAO SOMETHING SMELLY OR WHATEVER,
AND WE CAN ASK HIM ANYTHING?
- YES. - YAO?
- YES. - NO!
- STOP THAT! - WHO?
- THIS IS AWESOME!
I'VE GOT, LIKE, A BILLION QUESTIONS TO ASK!
WHERE DO I EVEN START? SEE? THAT'S ANOTHER ONE!
- FORGET IT, PO, THIS EVENT IS GOING TO BE A MADHOUSE.
- C'MON, ALL YOUR BURNING QUESTIONS ANSWERED?
HOW GREAT IS THAT?
- I DON'T HAVE BURNING QUESTIONS.
MASTER SHIFU, I REALLY DON'T THINK--
- "MASTER YAO, WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A BESTIE?"
NO, TOO AGGRESSIVE.
"IN A KUNG FU COMPANION?" BETTER.
- THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT! - I KNOW.
- MM-HMM.
[clanging]
- DAD! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP! CAN'T YOU FAIL QUIETER?
- THAT'S THE SOUND OF IMPENDING VENGEANCE, SON.
BEHOLD, THE SPHERE OF UNERRINGLY ACC--
- [groans]
- ARE YOU DONE WITH--?
- [long groan]
[groan continues]
- SO IT'S MY TURN TO TALK AGAI--
- [groans]
- THE SPHERE OF-- - [sharp groan]
- CAN I AT LEAST FINISH THE NAME?
- I KNOW WHAT IT IS, DAD.
YOU'VE BEEN MESSING WITH THE SAME
LAME ULTIMATE WEAPON FOR YEARS.
IT NEVER WORKS.
- ONE TWEAK AWAY, MY BOY.
ONE TWEAK FROM MECHANIZED PERFECTION.
ONE TWEAK FROM THE FURIOUS FIVE'S
TOTAL HUMILIATION AND RUIN!
[rumbling]
UNH!
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHICH TWEAK.
OW! OW! OW!
OW!
- AND MASTER YAO WILL REALLY ANSWER ANY QUESTION?
- WELL, THAT'S WHAT THE POSTER SAYS.
I MEAN, IF YOU CAN'T BELIEVE IN POSTERS ANY MORE,
WHAT CAN YOU BELIEVE IN?
- "WONDER AND WISDOM EXCHANGE," HUH?
THIS COULD BE QUITE OPPORTUNE. QUITE OPPORTUNE, INDEED.
OPPORTUNE, DO YOU HEAR?
[evil laughter]
- WE ARE READY TO BEGIN THE WONDER AND WISDOM EXCHANGE,
MASTER YAO.
- WHOO-HOO! I FEEL TINGLY WITH ANTICIPATION!
HOW WONDERFUL!
HAS ANYONE COME SEEKING ANSWERS YET?
[indistinct chatter]
- [grunting excitedly]
- MASTER YAO-- - HEY! NO CUTSIES!
- AH! OF COURSE. MASTER TIGRESS.
- I DON'T HAVE A QUESTION, I JUST--
MASTER, PLEASE RECONSIDER THIS.
THERE'S TOO BIG A CROWD. IT'S NOT SAFE.
I'M JUST SCARED THAT--
- OH, I DON'T THINK ASKING QUESTIONS
IS ANYTHING TO BE AFRAID OF.
DO YOU?
- WHAT? NO. I JUST---
- UNH! - [groans]
- MASTER YAO, AWESOME TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
HUGE FAN OF...
MEDITATION AND...
KNOWING STUFF.
- SPLENDID! HAVE YOU BROUGHT A NEW WONDER TO SHARE WITH ME?
- SNIFF A WHIFF, MY FRIEND.
FRESHLY. GRATED. GINGER. BOOM.
- [sniffs loudly]
DELIGHTFUL! VERY GOOD. NOW YOUR QUESTION?
- OKAY. SO, SAY AN ICE DEMON MARRIES A FIRE DEMON
AND THEY HAVE A BABY.
WOULD IT BE, LIKE, JUST AN ORDINARY WATER DEMON
OR SOME KIND OF STEAM DEMON?
- [sighs]
- DID YOU WANT US TO SAVE YOU A SPOT IN LINE, TIGRESS?
- I TOLD YOU, I DON'T HAVE A QUESTION FOR MASTER YAO.
BESIDES, SOMEBODY HAS TO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR THREATS.
- AN ALL-KNOWING MASTER CAN HARDLY BE
TAKEN BY SURPRISE, TIGRESS.
WHAT'S REALLY TROUBLING YOU?
- [giggling] EXCUSE ME. LOT OF QUESTIONS. MAKE A HOLE.
- NOTHING. I'M JUST DOING OUR JOB.
- COME, COME, WHO IS NEXT?
- I BRING YOU STEAMED APPLES WITH HONEY.
- I COLLECT PIECES OF BAMBOO THAT LOOK LIKE FAMOUS PEOPLE.
THIS ONE IS MANTIS.
- HEY!
- THE SOUND OF ONE HAND CLAPPING, HUH?
- UH, DO BUTTERFLIES REMEMBER
WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE A CATERPILLAR?
- WILL I EVER KNOW LOVE?
- DOES THIS LOOK INFECTED?
- [whimpers]
- BEHOLD, THE WONDER OF--
- A VILLAINOUS INVENTOR IN A CHEAP NOVELTY DISGUISE!
I LOVE IT!
VERY GOOD. NOW, YOUR QUESTION.
- I WAS GOING TO SHOW YOU...MY...
[nervous laugh] YEAH, OKAY, OKAY. GREAT.
SO I HAVE THIS SPHERE OF UNERRINGLY ACCURATE--
- I AM AWARE OF YOUR ULTIMATE WEAPON.
YOU WISH TO KNOW WHY IT IS NOT YET WORKING?
- OH, NO, NO. I-I CAN HANDLE IT MYSELF.
I JUST, UM-- IT'S THE ROD CALIBRATION, RIGHT?
- NO.
- [smacks forehead]
- THANK YOU FOR PARTICIPATING
IN THE WONDER AND WISDOM EXCHANGE!
HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!
- WHAT? NO! ONE MORE GUESS! THE PRESSURE REGULATOR?
THE POKE-JAB MATRIX? - [groans]
CAN'T YOU JUST TELL HIM SO HE STOPS EMBARRASSING ALL OF US?
- RULES, YOUNG BIAN ZAO.
IF YOU WOULD HAVE AN ANSWER,
YOU MUST PRESENT A NEW WONDER.
- BEHOLD, THE STENCH OF FAILURE.
- [sniffs loudly] PUNGENT! VERY GOOD.
[clears throat]
YOU MUST CORRECT FOR THE SPHERE'S OBLONG ROTATION
BY ADJUSTING THE FIFTH, SIXTH, AND NINTH RODS
FROM THE BASE UNTIL THEY REACH A CONCAVITY
SIMILAR TO THE OFFSET CREATED BY YOUR CONTROL SEAT.
- OF COURSE! I MEAN, I WOULD'VE GOTTEN THERE EVENTUALLY.
TOTALLY HEADED IN THAT DIRECTION.
YOU'VE HUMILIATED ME FOR THE LAST TIME, FURIOUS FIVE!
TODAY, TAOTIE PROVES THAT TECHNOLOGY IS THE TRUE MASTER,
AND KUNG FU IS STUP--
- HI-YAAH! - UNH!
- HUNH! - OW! OH! AAH!
- BEES. SERIOUSLY, WHAT'S THEIR DEAL?
- WHOA!
- AAH!
- I BROUGHT THE MASTER A CURVED PIECE OF WOOD.
- COOL.
- AAH! WHOA!
UNH!
AAH!
[fading shout]
- WHAT DID YOU DO?
- TIGRESS! WHAT'S HAPPENED?
- I DON'T KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU ASK MASTER YAO?
- OKAY, BUT IT'LL HAVE TO BE SOMEBODY ELSE'S QUESTION,
'CAUSE I ALREADY HAVE GOT A BEE THING.
- WHATEVER. I GUESS I'LL JUST WALK BACK
FROM THE JADE PALACE.
- AND JUST IN TIME FOR THE TEST RUN!
LUCKY YOU!
- [groans] WHY AM I EVEN SARCASTIC?
[creaking]
[whirring]
[hissing]
- HA! THE OLD FOOL WAS RIGHT!
- THEN HOW IS HE A FOOL? DO YOU EVEN LISTEN TO YOURSELF?
- PREPARE FOR YOUR ULTIMATE RUIN, FURIOUS FIVE!
FOR TODAY, YOU FACE...
THE SPHERE OF UNERRINGLY ACCURATE ACUPRESSURE!
[laughs]
[creaking]
[evil laughter]
- AGAIN, PO?
I'VE ONLY ASKED SEVENTEEN OF MY QUESTIONS!
HAVEN'T EVEN TOUCHED THE SUBSECTION
ON ACTION FIGURE MAINTENANCE.
- YOU'D BETTER HURRY.
IT'S STARTING TO GET UGLY UP THERE.
- DID THOSE TWO JUST SHOW MASTER YAO A PEONY BLOSSOM?
- THAT'S COMPLETELY UNFAIR!
- THAT WAS GOING TO BE MY WONDER!
[overlapping argument]
- I GOT IT!
MASTER YAO, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HIT IN THE FACE
WITH A WAR HAMMER?
- OOH!
[everyone talking at once]
- OKAY, WE'RE DONE HERE.
[hollow thud]
HAH! - HOW THRILLING!
[crowd yelling]
WOO-HOO-HOO!
- MASTER YAO? IS IT SUNDOWN ALREADY?
UNH!
- [laughs] THIS RESCUE IS MARVELOUS!
WOO-HOO-HOO!
- [panting] WHOA!
- I'M AFRAID YOU'RE GOING NOWHERE!
[panicked screams]
EXCEPT ON A VERY SHORT JOURNEY
TO THE LAND OF DEFEAT AND SHAME!
- WE'RE GETTING NEIGHBORS?
- WE ARE ROLLING TO THE VALLEY OF VICTORY,
ON BOARD THE SPHERE OF UNERRINGLY ACCURATE ACUPRESSURE!
- YOU MADE A RIDING MASSAGE BALL?
- IT'S NOT A MASSAGE BALL!
IT'S A WEAPON OF UNSPEAKABLE TERROR!
- HEY, SEND SOME UNSPEAKABLE TERROR
TO MY LOWER LUMBAR REGION.
I GOT A KNOT LIKE NOBODY'S--
AAH! HUH?
UNH!
WHAT? OW!
[repeated slapping]
OW! STOP--OW! HITTING--OW!--ME!
AAH!
- OOH!
- [gasps]
- [grunts]
- [grunting]
[all grunting]
- [laughs]
- ENOUGH!
- WHOA!
- HI-YAAH!
- I'VE SPENT YEARS MAKING DETAILED PRESSURE POINT CHARTS
ON EACH ONE OF YOU!
WITH ONE STRIKE FROM MY UNERRINGLY ACCURATE
ACUPRESSURE RODS, I CAN FORCE MANTIS
TO SPIN LIKE A CHILD'S TOY!
- WHOOOAA!
- PRETZEL-IZE VIPER. - UNH!
- DANCE THE MONKEY. - DI, DI, DOO!
- BLADDER CONTROL!
IN SHORT, I'VE FOUND THE PERFECT WEAPON TO DEFEAT YOU.
YOU!
- [laughs]
I HAVE NEVER HIDDEN OUT FROM AN ANGRY MOB BEFORE!
WHAT A WONDROUS NEW EXPERIENCE YOU HAVE GIVEN ME!
VERY GOOD. NOW, YOUR QUESTION?
- WHAT? I DIDN'T COME TO YOU FOR A QUESTION.
- YES. MASTER SHIFU, THE DRAGON WARRIOR,
AND THE REST OF THE FURIOUS FIVE ALL TOOK ME UP ON MY OFFER,
YET YOU DID NOT.
WHY IS THIS, I WONDER?
- I KEEP TELLING EVERYONE, I DON'T HAVE ANY QUESTIONS.
- OF COURSE YOU DO. "IS MASTER SHIFU PROUD OF ME?"
"AM I PERFORMING THE DIPPING PHOENIX TWIST KICK CORRECTLY?"
"WHY AM I SO ANGRY SO OFTEN?"
AAH! I HAVE SURPRISED YOU.
THEN PERHAPS YOU WILL ANSWER ME A QUESTION.
WHY DO YOU REFUSE TO ASK WHAT YOU WISH TO KNOW?
- I...I...
- [shrieks]
- PO?
- AH! THAT IMPETUOUS SCOUNDREL TAOTIE HAS TAKEN THE JADE PALACE
WITH HIS MIGHTY NEW WEAPON.
- YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS? - I KNOW EVERYTHING.
- STAY OUT OF SIGHT!
I'LL BE BACK AFTER I'VE RESCUED THEM!
- THIS WOULD BE MOST UNWISE, AND ENTIRELY UNSUCCESSFUL.
- WHAT?
- THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY FOR YOU TO DEFEAT TAOTIE'S MACHINE.
- AND THAT WOULD BE--?
- I WILL BE HAPPY TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION.
AS SOON AS YOU BRING ME A NEW WONDER TO EXPERIENCE.
- WHAT? I-- [growls]
HERE!
- I HAVE SEEN ROCKS BEFORE.
- THIS ONE'S...GRAY?
- OOH! GOOD!
BUT, I'VE SEEN THAT, TOO.
- [evil laugh]
all: AAH! OW! OW!
- [growls] - HI-YAAH!
- UNH!
- [quickly] PRETTY DINGO PONY BACON WANNA RIDE THE CHOO-CHOO!
- WHOA.
THERE'S A PRESSURE POINT FOR THAT, TOO?
- THE MAGIC OF UNERRINGLY ACCURATE ACUPRESSURE,
MY DEAR FLABBY FOOL!
I CAN MAKE YOU DO ANYTHING!
- AND YET YOU STILL CAN'T MAKE ME RESPECT YOU.
- RELEASE US, TAOTIE. YOU'VE HAD YOUR FUN.
- SURE. I'VE HAD FUN, BUT WHO AM I TO BE SELFISH?
NO, NO, NO.
WE'RE TAKING THIS ACUPRESSURE PUPPET SHOW TO TOWN!
LET THE ENTIRE VALLEY SEE HOW MY AWESOME MACHINE
CRUSHES YOUR PATHETIC KUNG FU!
[evil laugh]
I SHOULD POINT OUT YOU WILL ALSO BE PERSONALLY CRUSHED.
- UNH!
- WHOA!
- [evil laugh]
- YOU'RE GONNA BREAK YOUR STUPID PUPPET SHOW.
- ART IS SUFFERING, SON. THEIR SUFFERING.
- YOU CAN'T REALLY EXPECT US TO KEEP THIS UP FOREVER.
- NO. JUST UNTIL YOUR BODIES GIVE OUT AND YOU DIE.
[lever cranks]
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! - HUH?
- TAOTIE AND SON ENTERTAINMENT...
- DON'T INCLUDE ME.
- PROUDLY PRESENTS...
THESE IDIOTS!
[kung fu grunts]
- ARE YOU JUST GOING TO LET THIS HAPPEN?
- IT IS NOT FOR ME TO INTERFERE.
I WAS SHOWN A NEW WONDER AND ANSWERED A QUESTION.
WHERE IS YOUR WONDER?
- UGH!
- AAH!
- OOH!
- WHOA!
- MA'AM, I NEED YOU TO FIND TIGRESS OR MASTER YAO
AND TELL THEM THAT WE--UGH!
[loud kissing]
GAH!
- THAT'S MY WIFE!
- UH, THAT TOTALLY WASN'T--OW!
- THIS ROOF TILE. - I HAVE SEEN ROOF TILES.
- THE SKY. - YES, BEAUTIFUL! SEEN IT.
- THIS OTHER ROOF TILE. - THAT IS THE SAME ROOF TILE.
- HUNH!
- OOH. HARD STYLE.
EXCELLENT FOR KUNG FU, NOT SO GOOD FOR PEOPLE.
- [pained grunts]
- THIS PARADE IS CONFUSING AND DISTURBING.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, THE SHOW'S RAMBLING A BIT IN THE MIDDLE.
LET'S CUT STRAIGHT TO THE POINTS.
- OW!
- I DO NOT LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING.
- IS THERE A POINT TO THIS, AND IF SO, CAN YOU MAKE IT
A LITTLE QUICKER?
- FORGIVE MY FASCINATION.
THEY SAY THAT CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT,
SO HOW STRANGE TO SEE A CAT WHO'S KILLED HER CURIOSITY.
WHAT DID POOR CURIOSITY EVER DO TO YOU?
- WHY IS THE SKY BLUE?
- WOW, THAT WAS A VERY STUPID QUESTION.
[jeering laughter]
- HOW CAN SOUP BE SWEET AND SOUR?
- AW, WHAT AN ADORABLY STUPID QUESTION.
[jeering laughter]
- [panting]
I...
[sighs]
- THE STOIC MASTER TIGRESS
DISPLAYING TOTAL AND UTTER VULNERABILITY.
A RARE AND PRECIOUS WONDER INDEED!
VERY GOOD. NOW, YOUR QUESTION?
- HOW DO I BEAT TAOTIE'S MACHINE?
- A SPLENDID QUESTION! FIRST, YOU WILL NEED...A BOX.
[kung fu grunts]
- [chuckles]
- I'M SORRY! MY BODY'S JUST NATURALLY AWESOME
AT THROWING STUFF!
MONKEY, LOOK OUT! - WHA--?
- UNH! HUNH!
- WHAT?
- SHOW'S OVER.
- FINALLY! I WONDERED WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LAST ACU-PUPPET.
- CAREFUL, TIGRESS! HIS THING DOES...THINGS!
I'LL BE HONEST, I'VE BEEN IFFY
ON THE SCIENCE THIS WHOLE TIME.
- I'LL BITE. WHAT'S IN THE BOX?
- HELLO, THAT'S MASTER YAO'S BOX.
HE'S TOTALLY GONNA COME OUT AND KUNG FU YOU SO HARD YOU'LL--
[creaking]
OKAY, TRUTH BOMB? I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT.
- YES, HIDE IN COWARDICE!
FOR ALL WILL LEARN TO FEAR AND RESPECT
TAOTIE AND HIS MIGHTY--
- [battle cry]
- [screaming]
WHAT ARE YOU--?
[kung fu grunts]
- AAH!
[laughs]
[wild laughter]
- HI-YAAH! - [whimpers]
STOP THAT! - HUNH!
- [gasps]
- [yawns]
- WHAT?
- HI-YAAH! - OOH!
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
STOP THAT! I ACUPRESSURE COMMAND YOU!
- HI-YAAH! - OOH!
- [battle cry]
[shattering]
- [screaming]
MY SPHERE OF UNERRINGLY ACCURATE ACUPRESSURE!
IT'S RUINED!
COMPLETELY RUINED!
EXCEPT THE ONE THAT WRECKS YOUR BLADDER CONTROL.
UNH!
[water trickling] AND THERE IT GOES AGAIN.
- WELL DONE, TIGRESS!
- THAT WAS THE MOST AWESOME-- WHAT WAS THAT, BOX-FU?
KUNG-TAINER?
ANYWAY, WHATEVER, YOU CAN COME OUT OF YOUR BOX NOW.
- YEAH. I KNOW I CAN.
- ABJECT HUMILIATION! HA! I LOVE IT!
[water trickling]
- GREAT! THEN CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO STOP THIS?
- CERTAINLY I CAN! YOU MUST-- OH, ALAS, IT IS SUNDOWN.
OUR WONDER AND WISDOM EXCHANGE IS OVER.
BYE-BYE!
- DO YOU NEED A BEST FRIEND AND CAN IT BE ME?
- HEY, NEVER HURTS TO ASK.