- WA-CHA! HIYAH!
male announcer: AND NOW
DREAMWORKS' KUNG FU PANDA: LEGENDS OF AWESOMENESS.
- [grunts] [gong rings]
* HEAR THE LEGENDS OF THE KUNG FU PANDA *
[scatting]
* RAISED IN A NOODLE SHOP
* NEVER SEEKING GLORY OR FAME *
* HE CLIMBED THE MOUNTAINTOP
* AND EARNED THE DRAGON WARRIOR NAME *
OOH! AHH! YAH!
* KUNG FU PANDA
[scatting]
* MASTER SHIFU SAW THE WARRIOR BLOSSOM *
* AND MASTER THE SKILLS OF BODACIOUS AND AWESOME *
* KUNG FU PANDA
[scatting]
* HE LIVES AND HE TRAINS AND HE FIGHTS *
* WITH THE FURIOUS FIVE
* PROTECT THE VALLEY, SOMETHING, SOMETHING *
* SOMETHING, SOMETHING ALIVE
OOH! AHH! UH!
* KUNG FU PANDA
* LEGENDS OF AWESOMENESS
SWEET!
- [panting]
OH! I'M TOO LATE! NO!
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! [crowd cheering]
WAIT!
- GAH!
- MASTER YAO! [chuckles]
OH! OH, THANK GOODNESS.
YOU ALMOST LEFT BEFORE I HAD A CHANCE TO SAY GOOD-BYE.
GOOD-BYE.
- BYE, FUZZY! STAY OUT OF TROUBLE!
- MASTER YAO, ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN THAT I CAN'T--
- YES, SHIFU. I HAVE MADE UP MY MIND.
PO ALONE WILL ACCOMPANY ME TO MEET WITH THE OTHER MASTER.
- [sighs] YES, MASTER YAO.
- OH, DON'T SULK, FUZZY. WE'RE STILL BUDDIES!
HOOF BUMP!
- BESTIES. - I SAID BUDDIES, NOT BESTIES.
- YES, MASTER YAO.
AT LEAST STAY IN YOUR BOX FOR THE ENTIRE JOURNEY.
YOU HAVE THE GREATEST KUNG FU MIND IN HISTORY,
HOLDING THE MOST POWERFUL SECRETS OF THE SHAOLIN.
WE CAN'T RISK LOSING THEM.
- YOU ARE RIGHT, OF COURSE, SHIFU,
THOUGH I ASSURE YOU NO ILL SHALL BEFALL ME.
- OW!
[sighs] BYE, BESTY.
- BUDDY!
- MASTER YAO, I'M SUPER STOKED ABOUT THIS TRIP.
I MEAN, HANGING WITH THE GUY WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING?
AWESOME!
- AND I AM SUPER STOKED TO HANG WITH YOU AS WELL.
JUST LOOK AT ME.
I CAN'T STOP SMILING!
- YEAH. - WHOO!
I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET WITH THE OTHER MASTER.
I'M GOING TO SHARE WITH HIM THE FIVE MOST POWERFUL,
MOST ASTONISHING, MOST MIND-BOGGLING
MYSTIC KUNG FU SECRETS EVER!
[laughs] LOVE IT!
- WHAT KIND OF STUFF DO YOU THINK HE'LL SHARE WITH YOU?
- I'M HOPING FOR A GOOD RICE PUDDING RECIPE.
- [chuckles] I LIKE YOU, MASTER YAO.
YOU'RE SUPER SMART AND SUPER WEIRD.
- THAT'S ME, BABY!
SO, PO, SINCE WE HAVE SOME TIME...
ARE THERE ANY OF LIFE'S MYSTERIES
THAT YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED THE ANSWER TO?
- YEAH. WHO SEWS MANTIS' CLOTHES?
I MEAN, YOU'D NEED A TEENY, TINY LITTLE NEEDLE, AND--
- I WAS THINKING MORE BIG PICTURE.
- OKAY, I GOT ONE.
WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE?
- TO STRIVE TOWARD A WORTHWHILE GOAL.
- AHA! I KNEW IT WAS SOMETHING WITH STRIVING.
- WHAT GOAL ARE YOU STRIVING FOR, PO?
- OH! [chuckles]
I, UH... HUH.
WOW. I DON'T KNOW.
THIS IS TERRIBLE.
I SHOULD KNOW MY LIFE'S PURPOSE, SHOULDN'T I?
MASTER YAO?
MASTER YAO! - WHOO!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING, BUT I LOVE IT!
- [panting]
[grunts]
AH!
WATCH OUT! GET OUT OF THE WAY!
KUNG FU MASTER COMING THROUGH!
- STILL NO!
[whimpering] HUH?
[grunts]
AAH!
[strained grunts]
[sighs]
[thuds echoing]
[crash] OW!
[groans]
- PERHAPS YOU AND I CAN DISCOVER
YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE TOGETHER, PO.
- REALLY? THAT'D BE AWESOME.
- BEHOLD!
- YEAH, I GOT SOME STUFF TO DO.
SO CLOSE.
- BEHOLD!
I HAVE PERFECTED THE BRONZE LOTUS.
WHAT DOES IT DO, YOU ASK? - NO.
- IT CAN STEAL KNOWLEDGE RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD.
AND ONLY I KNOW HOW TO OPERATE IT.
PRETTY COOL, HUH?
- I THINK WE'VE ESTABLISHED ME NOT CARING.
[scoffs]
[electricity crackles] - [screams]
UGH!
THERE. EAT THE COOKIE.
- WHAT KIND OF-- - EAT THE COOKIE!
- [sighs]
AHH!
WHOA. I...
I TOTALLY KNOW HOW TO OPERATE THAT MACHINE.
- AND I DON'T.
YOU SEE, IT SUCKED THE KNOWLEDGE OF HOW THE CONTROLS WORK
FROM MY HEAD AND TURNED IT INTO A COOKIE.
YOU ATE THE COOKIE AND NOW YOU HAVE THAT KNOWLEDGE.
- NOT LAME. - I KNOW, RIGHT?
- WE CAN MAKE A FORTUNE WITH THIS THING!
- YOU THINK? - HELLO!
THE PARADE? MASTER YAO?
THE FIVE GREAT MYSTIC SECRETS?
THERE WERE POSTERS EVERYWHERE.
- I DON'T GET OUT MUCH.
- WE'LL STEAL HIS SECRETS AND AUCTION THEM OFF
TO YOUR LAME SUPER-VILLAIN FRIENDS.
- I'D PREFER TO THINK OF THEM AS COLLEAGUES IN EVIL.
- FINE, LET'S JUST FIRE UP YOUR LATEST
LAME BATTLE MACHINE AND GET GOING.
- IT'S NICE THAT YOU'RE FINALLY TAKING AN INTEREST
IN MY WORK, SON.
- WHATEVER.
- * 46 POTS OF TEA ON THE WALL *
* 46 POTS OF TEA
- PO, REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED YOU WHAT YOUR GOAL IN LIFE IS?
- UM, STILL THINKING ON THAT... A LOT.
- I MAY BE ABLE TO SUGGEST ONE TO YOU.
YOU SEE, THERE'S A REASON I ASKED FOR YOU ALONE
TO ACCOMPANY ME.
- SHIFU FINALLY CREEPING YOU OUT?
- I WANTED TO ASK IF YOU'D CONSIDER BEING...
MY SUCCESSOR.
- AH!
WHAT?
- I CAN'T LIVE FOREVER.
SOMEONE WILL HAVE TO LEARN MY SECRETS
AND REMEMBER THEM FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS.
- YOU REALLY THINK THAT I COULD DO THAT?
- OF COURSE! [chuckles]
AND SINCE YOUR HEAD ISN'T CLUTTERED
WITH LOTS OF THOUGHT, YOU'VE GOT PLENTY OF ROOM IN THERE.
[gasps] SO MUCH ROOM!
- WOW, THIS IS JUST... WOW.
- YOU WOULD KNOW ALL THE GREAT SECRETS,
BUT YOU WOULD HAVE TO MEDITATE ON THEM IN SOLITUDE.
- SO I'D KNOW THEM ALL, BUT I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO USE THEM?
- PRECISELY.
I KNOW IT'S A BIG DECISION.
- YEAH, IT IS.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET BACK IN YOUR BOX WHILE I THINK IT OVER.
REMEMBER WHAT SHIFU SAID.
- TRUST ME, PO.
NOTHING TERRIBLE IS GOING TO HAPPEN,
EXCEPT MAYBE THAT ANGRY WARTHOG
THAT'S ABOUT TO ARRIVE IN A GIANT METAL OCTOPUS.
- AH!
- [laughs]
- AAH!
- [laughs]
- [grunts]
[groans]
- OOH! A FIGHT! I LOVE IT!
- WHOA! - [screams]
- YOU MISSED HIM! - I MISSED HIM?
DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO DRIVE THIS THING?
- I'M TRYING, BUT THE PANDA WON'T LET ME.
- SURE, BLAME HIM FOR YOUR LAMENESS.
- HMM-HMM. - [grunts]
- WHOA! - [humming]
- AH! - HOLD IT STEADY.
- ONE MAN'S STEADY IS ANOTHER MAN'S FREAKING OUT.
- I'M TRYING.
- THERE IS NO TRY, THERE IS ONLY--
both: CAN IT!
[electricity crackles] - WHOO! [laughs]
- ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR-- I GOT ALL FIVE.
LET'S GO! - [grunts]
JUST A MINUTE.
- OH! WHOA!
OOMPH!
[Taotie laughs]
Bian Zao: UGH, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN LAUGHING AT ANYWAY?
[branch cracking] - HUH?
WHOA! OW!
- HMM.
- YOU KNOW SUCH AMAZING SECRET KUNG FU STUFF.
WHY DIDN'T YOU DO ANYTHING?
- I WAS TRYING TO DECIDE IF THIS PEBBLE IS INTERESTING.
- WELL? - MEH.
- THEN COULD, YOU KNOW, YOU STOP THEM?
USE THAT, UH, BRAINY-THINKY "SPLEEN PUNCH" THING, MAYBE?
- OH, ALL RIGHT.
HMM.
I-I-I CAN'T REMEMBER IT!
THE YANGTZE SPLEEN PUNCH!
I-I CAN'T REMEMBER THE SECRET UP HERE.
[gasps] THE FIVE MYSTIC SECRETS!
I'VE FORGOTTEN THEM ALL!
I DON'T LOVE IT!
- WHOA...SETTLE DOWN.
- FOR 65 YEARS, MY WHOLE REASON FOR EXISTING
HAS BEEN TO SIT AND PONDER THE WORLD'S GREATEST SECRETS!
AND NOW I'VE FORGOTTEN THE FIVE MOST POWERFUL ONES!
DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?
[gasps] I HAVE NO PURPOSE!
[sobs]
- WAIT, BIAN ZAO SAID, "I GOT ALL FIVE."
[gasps] THEY STOLE YOUR SECRETS!
- WE GOTTA FIGURE OUT HOW WE'RE GONNA PRICE THESE BABIES.
OKAY, THE FIVE GREAT MYSTIC SECRETS ARE...
THE IRON HEART,
WHICH MULTIPLIES YOUR STRENGTH A THOUSANDFOLD.
THE CLAP OF STILLNESS WILL FREEZE
EVERY NEARBY OBJECT IN PLACE.
JIN TIAN'S TEMPEST ENABLES YOU TO SHOOT LIGHTNING BOLTS.
THE YANGTZE SPLEEN PUNCH...
LET'S YOU KNOCK OUT ANYONE WITHIN A HUNDRED-YARD RADIUS
WITH YOUR MIND.
AND THE WINGS OF LIGHT GIVES YOU THE ABILITY TO FLY.
THESE SECRETS ARE INCREDIBLE!
ONCE WE AUCTION THEM OFF, YOU KNOW HOW RICH WE'RE GONNA BE?
- UH, FILTHY?
- MOST DEFINITELY.
- STOP RIGHT THERE!
- NOW?
BUT WE WERE ACTUALLY CONNECTING.
- UH, SORRY?
- EH, FORGET IT. THE MOMENT'S PASSED.
[lever clicks]
- AH!
[grunts]
AH! AH!
MASTER YAO!
I COULD USE SOME HELP!
- [sighs] WHY BOTHER?
- WHOO! AH!
AH!
MAYBE YOU FORGOT A FEW SECRETS,
BUT YOU'RE STILL A KUNG FU MASTER!
NOW COME ON!
- NO. TOO DEPRESSED.
- BUT, MASTER--AH!
[grunting]
WATCH OUT!
[both shouting] - OW!
- [grunts]
- YOU SAVED ME. NEAT.
- DON'T GET SO EXCITED ABOUT-- AAH!
HEY! YOU ALMOST CRUSHED MY LUCKY HEAD.
IT'S ON.
[slow motion yell]
- NO! OOH!
[screaming]
[both grunt]
[gulps]
- ALL RIGHT, TAOTIE--
[screams]
AAH! HE'S ALL STRONG.
THE SECRETS ARE IN THE COOKIES!
- [chomping, gulps]
I ACCIDENTALLY ATE THE MYSTIC SECRET OF THE IRON HEART.
BLEGH!
IT TASTED ALL...KUNG FU-EY.
- THAT WAS AWESOME.
- NO, IT WASN'T.
HAVEN'T YOU BEEN LISTENING TO ME?
- OF COURSE NOT.
- I'VE DEDICATED MY LIFE
TO PROVING THAT MACHINES ARE BETTER THAN MUSCLES.
BEING THIS STRONG IS JUST DISTASTEFUL!
[grunts] YAH!
[screaming]
OF COURSE, I'M NOTHING IF NOT ADAPTABLE.
[grunts]
LET'S GET TO THAT AUCTION.
- HMM.
- [sighs] WELL, THAT'S IT.
WE FAILED.
NOTHING TO DO NOW BUT PLUMMET TO OUR DOOM.
- YEAH...NOT SO MUCH INTO THE PLUMMETING.
- [sighs] YOU'RE SO CLOSED-MINDED.
- I'M GONNA GET YOUR SECRETS BACK, MASTER YAO,
SO YOU CAN HAVE YOUR PURPOSEY LIFE.
BUT FIRST, WE GOTTA GET OUT OF THIS MESS.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- [sighs] SURE. HOW?
- I DON'T KNOW!
I WAS COUNTING ON YOU TO THINK OF SOMETHING.
AAH! KIND OF SOON.
- I HAVE AN IDEA THAT MAY OR MAY NOT WORK,
BUT YOU PROBABLY WON'T LIKE IT.
- SORT OF OUT OF OTHER OPTIONS HERE.
- OKAY.
HUNAN BUTT KICK.
- [screams]
[thud]
SEE? YOU WERE RIGHT.
I DIDN'T LIKE IT.
- WOOP-DE-DINGLE-DOO.
- GET THIS MYSTIC SECRET OUT OF--OH!
[grunts]
UGH.
- THAT WAS AWESOME.
- HOW WELL MY DEVICE WORKS?
- HOW MUCH IT HURTS YOU.
OKAY, WE'RE ALL SET FOR THE AUCTION.
- STOP RIGHT THERE. - [sighs]
YOU, LIKE, JUST SAID THAT.
- HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE FOUND US?
[bamboo squeaks, snaps]
OH.
- I WOULD LIKE MY SECRETS BACK NOW.
- YOU HEARD THE MASTER.
NOW HAND THEM OVER BEFORE--
OH! - HEY!
- TEMUTAI! HUNDUN! FUNG!
AND, UH...
- [sighs] GAH-RI.
- SORRY. [chuckles]
IT'S BEEN A DAY.
- WELL, I'M AFRAID THERE AREN'T ENOUGH COOKIES FOR EVERY--
- [grunts]
WE GET TO BID ON THE FIVE GREAT MYSTIC SECRETS
AND SMASH THE DRAGON WARRIOR AND MASTER YAO TO FURRY PULPS?
IT IS GOOD TO BE ALIVE!
- READY TO FIGHT OUR WAY OUT OF THIS?
- YOU GO AHEAD.
WITHOUT MY SECRETS, I'M USELESS.
- YAH! RAH!
DRAGON WARRIOR!
I WILL CRUSH YOU WITH THE SMASHING CRUSH
OF A THOUSAND PAINFUL SMASH-PAINS!
- "SMASH-PAINS"?
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING ANYMORE.
- MMM. RAH!
- SCREAMING PHOENIX FLIP! - UGH!
- [grunts]
- WHAAA!
YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD FOR AN OLD GOAT WHO LIVES IN A BOX.
- I AM UNWORTHY OF THE GIFT OF EXISTENCE.
- WHOA! YOU'RE KIND OF A BUMMER, GUY.
- HIYAH!
- [grunts]
- MASTER YAO! - [grunts]
- [groans]
[gasps]
[strained grunts]
- THIS FIRST COOKIE CONTAINS THE WINGS OF LIGHT.
HOW MUCH WILL YOU BID FOR THE ABILITY TO FLY LIKE A BIRD
BUT WITHOUT THOSE TEDIOUS HOLLOW BONES?
- 3 YUAN. - 5,000 YUAN!
- 6,000 YUAN!
- 4 YUAN.
OR IS IT--WAIT. HOW DOES THIS WORK AGAIN?
- MASTER YAO, ARE YOU OKAY?
- [sighs] AS OKAY AS ANYONE
WHO HAS SPECTACULARLY FAILED AT THEIR LIFE'S WORK.
- YOU HAVEN'T FAILED.
YOU JUST NEED A LITTLE HELP.
- FROM WHO? WHO WILL HELP ME?
- ME. IF THERE'S TWO THINGS I KNOW,
IT'S HOW TO HELP FOLKS AND HOW TO GET COOKIES.
- WE'RE CHAINED TO THESE POLES.
HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY REACH THEM?
HUNAN BUTT KICK! - WHOA-HO!
- 20,000 YUAN!
both: HMM.
- [grunts]
- CAN I JUST BUY, LIKE, A BITE OF COOKIE?
YOU KNOW, NOT LIKE, YOU KNOW--
I DON'T NEED TO FLY AROUND OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
I JUST WANNA JUMP GOOD.
- [gasps]
- AAH!
[grunts]
[all grunting]
AH-AH-AH-AH!
[strained grunts]
YAAH!
HA!
- NO! PO!
THE SECRETS ARE TOO POWERFUL!
YOU'RE NOT READY!
- READY AS I'LL EVER BE.
[all chomping, gulping]
[large belch]
- I COULD SMELL THAT ONE. - GET HIM!
- WINGS OF LIGHT!
[all grunting]
OH, MY GOSH! THIS IS SO AWESOME!
- JIN TIAN'S TEMPEST! AAH!
AH! AAH!
- HMM. OH! [screams]
- WOW.
- GAH! GET OUT OF THE WAY, GARY!
I'M TRYING TO USE THE SPLEEN PUNCH.
- [humming, chuckles]
- [grunts]
- LIKE THE STRENGTH OF A THOUSAND RHINOS
MULTIPLYING MY STRENGTH BY A THOUSAND RHINOS!
[grunts] - AAH!
- [screams]
[panting]
- [grunts] - UGH!
[all groaning]
- DID YOU SEE THAT?
DID YOU TOTALLY SEE THAT?
THESE MYSTIC SECRETS ARE-- I--
I DON'T EVEN HAVE A WORD FOR IT!
BODACIAWESOME!
- THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME, PO.
I THINK WE'VE DISCOVERED YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE.
TO POSSESS THE MYSTIC SECRETS AND SUCCEED ME, YES?
- NO, BUT BY HELPING YOU, I DID LEARN WHAT IT IS.
MY LIFE'S PURPOSE IS TO HELP THOSE THAT NEED HELP
AND KICK SOME BAD GUY TUSHIE IN THE PROCESS,
AND I CAN'T DO THAT FROM INSIDE A BOX.
- YOU ARE VERY WISE, PO.
AND IN THIS CASE, WISER THAN EVEN I AM.
- OH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT. [chuckles]
WHAT DO YOU THINK, BIAN ZAO?
- NOWHERE...IS WHERE I WAS GOING.
- I NEED YOU TO USE YOUR MACHINE
AND GIVE MASTER YAO BACK HIS SECRETS.
- AND WHY SHOULD I-- [grunts]
[screams]
AAH! I'LL DO IT! I'LL DO IT!
[muttering incoherently]
- [groans] JUST GOTTA--WHEW!
- WE'RE HERE!
- WAIT. WHERE'S THE OTHER MASTER?
- I'M LOOKING AT HIM.
- WAIT. WHAT?
YOU SET THIS WHOLE THING UP JUST SO I COULD REALIZE
WHAT MY GOAL IN LIFE IS?
- WELL, LET'S JUST SAY YES.
OTHERWISE I KIND OF LOOK LIKE A YUTZ.
- FAIR ENOUGH.
- I AM VERY GRATEFUL TO YOU, PO.
WITHOUT YOU, I NEVER WOULD HAVE GOTTEN
THE FIVE GREAT MYSTIC--
[gasps] WAIT!
I CAN ONLY REMEMBER FOUR OF THE SECRETS!
- FOUR?
BUT I GAVE YOU FIVE COOKIES, DIDN'T I?
- I DON'T KNOW! IT'S DARK IN HERE!
[electricity crackles]
- DEFINITELY...NOT LAME.