[MUSIC PLAYING]
ANNOUNCER: And now, "DreamWorks, Kung Fu Panda.
Legends of Awesomeness."
(SINGING) Hear the legends of the Kung Fu Panda.
Raised in a noodle shop.
Never seeking glory or fame.
He climbed the mountain top and earned the Dragon Warrior name.
Hu. Ha.
Ya. Kung Fu Panda.
Master Shifu saw the warrior blossom
and master the skills of bodacious and awesome.
Kung Fu Panda.
He lives and he trains, and he fights with the furious five.
Protect the valley, somethin', somethin'
somethin' somethin' alive.
Hu. Ah.
Ooh.
Kung Fu Panda.
Legends of awesomeness.
Sweet.
OK, so here's the deal.
My old buddy, Lu Kang, became emperor and made
me his head of security.
Awesome, right?
Turns out, no.
See, there was this secret plot against Lu.
I know.
We barely got away.
But then, when I tried to take him
to the Jade Palace for safety, the bad guys beat us there
and captured Chief One of Five.
And it gets worse.
The servant named Pang Bing, who I thought was my friend,
actually turned out to be this evil sorceress
lady who wants to mind control everyone in China.
So not cool.
Now I've got to get Lu back to the capital
so we can defeat Pang Bing during the eclipse.
Did I mention that there's an eclipse?
Well, there is.
Anywho, with my friends held captive,
I had to break out a bunch of villains
that I'd locked up in Chorh-Gom Prison
to help me and Lu save China.
Great idea, huh?
Eh, not so much.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[SNORING] -Po.
Wake up.
What?
Morning, Sleepyhead.
You almost missed the meeting.
Meeting?
[GONG SOUNDING]
Gentlemen, welcome to the very first
meeting of what I hereby christen,
The Brotherhood of Malfeasance.
Our first order of business, how best to obliterate
the Dragon Warrior.
I say we burn him alive, with the fire
that burns and flames like a thousand suns of flaming burn.
Alive.
No.
I will dash his bones into dust with my own fists.
There will be nothing.
Ah, normally, Gahri and me would totally
be into obliterating the Dragon Warrior.
But, that usually like, just makes him mad.
Enough jibber jabber.
Let's deep-six that black and white buffoon already.
I can't believe I thought freeing
the villains was a good idea. -I don't know.
They seem nice.
(SHOUTING) Arg.
See?
Totally mad now.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Ow.
Have you guys forgotten why we're here?
Oh, uh.
You want us to help you stop an evil sorceress
from controlling the minds of everyone in China,
including ours.
Thank you, Gahri.
Pfft.
Suck-up.
I know you hate me.
But is that more important than saving yourselves
from having your minds zapped?
We've got to stick together or Pang Bing
will pick us off one-by-one.
Look.
When it comes to planning and thinking, I'm a total loser.
And when it comes to being productive members of society,
you're total losers, too?
Ah, is this supposed to be a pep talk, guy?
Yes.
Because I know that together, we can be winners.
Together, we can defeat Pang Bing.
And together, we can save all of China.
Now who's with me?
ALL: Yeah!
Nice speech, Panda.
We're in.
Long live The Brotherhood of Malfeasance.
ALL: [GROANS] No.
No.
[ENGINE SOUND]
Taotie, this is amazing.
Where'd you get this thing?
What self-respecting villain doesn't
have a secretly hidden emergency escape blimp?
True.
Guys, seriously.
It's someone else's turn.
So where we going, boss?
The capital.
Are you mad?
Or are you mad?
Lu's got to be in the capital when the eclipse starts.
It's going to fill him with magical emperor mojo,
so he can take out Pang Bing.
I'm also hoping it gives me super cool kung-fu powers.
Hitcha-hitcha. Atcho.
We cannot battle an entire city.
We have to, Timotei.
Lose the key.
No matter what, we've got to keep him safe.
Lu!
Did you have a backup plan?
Tong Fo. Man the rudder.
Timotei, Hundun, spot me.
Meee!
Whoa, ho!
Ga!
Lu. You OK?
No, I'm not. Why?
Because that stupid riddle is still driving me crazy.
What do you put in a barrel to make it lighter?
It makes no sense.
Bamboo!
No, I don't think--
[CRASH]
[GROANING]
We're alive.
I love that.
ALL: [CHEERING]
Great teamwork, everybody.
You guys know what to do.
You heard the panda.
We have a witch to defeat.
They totally respect you now, Po.
Shifu you would be so proud.
I just hope he and The Five are OK.
I'm sure they're fine.
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
Looks like your friend is on his way here to destroy me.
But I'll be ready for him.
Bring me the first victim.
Take her down.
We won't get another chance.
There's the capital.
Looks pretty un-break-in-able.
What do you think, Lu?
I can see my imperial palace from here.
We're ready.
Where are the others?
[CRASH]
Ho!
Looking good, guys.
Good?
My Tripods of Trepidation are works of sheer genius.
Arg!
I love it.
Har, har, har, har.
Why do we build machines for war when we
don't even have a plan for war?
Who cares?
When was the last time you went into battle and said, man.
I wish I didn't have so many war machines?
True.
Well, it just so happens we do have a plan.
Po?
Tong Fo did some recon and found that the North
Gate was lightly guarded.
Fung and Gahri will create a diversion here.
Oh, we could do a scene from the opera I'm writing.
Darn it, Gahri.
Keep it simple.
Allowing the war machines to enter here.
Total chaos ensues.
And then Lu takes her out.
Uh, what do you guys think?
I'm grudgingly impressed.
Unfortunately, I am not.
Shifu.
You're OK.
You're keeping very disreputable
company, Dragon Warrior.
Where are The Five?
We broke free and attacked Pang Bing.
But our magic was too great.
I escaped, but the others weren't so lucky.
Then we've got to move fast.
Guys, man the war machines. -No.
She'll expect a frontal assault. Stealth is our only hope.
-But I think-- -Oh, oh.
You think.
You thought you could handle being Lu's head of security.
You thought releasing these villains was a good idea.
It's time to leave the thinking to someone more qualified.
ALL: [GASPING]
Your call, Panda.
But you better hurry.
The eclipse is about to start.
[SIGHS].
We'll go with Shifu's plan.
He knows better than I do.
That's the first sensible thing you've said.
Follow me.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Why must we wear these stupid disguises?
I figured a little extra sneakiness wouldn't hurt.
Let's do this.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I'll handle this.
Hello there, a large man.
Like what you see?
Um.
Not really. -Liar!
Subtle.
ALL: Growl. -Let it.
This way. Quickly.
I totally make this look work.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Master Shifu.
How'd you know this place was here?
No time to explain.
Get inside the circle.
It's our only protection against Pang Bing's magic.
But something's wrong here.
Quit blathering and do as he says.
Master Shifu.
All hail Pang Bing.
[CRASHING SOUNDS]
Po!
Wow.
Like he just totally saved our lives.
I say we avenge him.
That wouldn't be smart.
-The Five. -Wrong.
Keep fighting.
Can't let her win.
How about it, boys?
You can fight to save your friend,
like he just did for you.
Or you can go free.
Is this a trick?
I'm just asking because I wish to know
the answer to my question.
You are of no consequence to me.
So leave now before I change my mind.
Too, bad, Panda.
You had spunk.
Goodbye.
And farewell.
Write me, if you live.
I need to stay alive, guy.
Sorry, Po.
[BURPS] eh.
Their minds will all belong to me soon enough.
Hey!
You still lost, Pang Bing.
I got Lu here in time.
And when the Eclipse starts, he's going
to kick your sorcery butt.
You idiot.
You did exactly what I needed you to do.
You said only Lou could foil your plan.
And he would have, if he wasn't here for the ritual.
What?
For my powers to increase, I need to sacrifice
one of imperial blood.
And that's just what you brought to me.
I would thank you, but it just seems too cruel.
But, no! .
The Eclipse is going to make Lu super strong,
just like it did his uncle.
I may have misremembered that story.
Then it's over.
I'm sorry, Lu.
I failed you.
Leave him alone, horrible, nasty lady.
Mind control me, instead.
I would if I could.
But your feeble mind can't hold more than one
thought at a time.
Huh?
Po!
Any last words before you become my minion?
What do you put in a barrel to make it lighter?
Worst last words ever.
[CHANTING]
[DRUMS BEATING]
Are we ready to begin?
Yes, my master.
The people are assembled.
The great canons are being loaded
to celebrate your triumph.
And the Eclipse has begun.
Excellent.
Bring forth the prisoner.
Help!
Anybody?
Emperor in peril here.
They can't hear you, fool.
As far as they know, they're just here
for your ascension ceremony.
Po will find a way to stop you.
I seriously doubt that.
ALL: Hail Pang Bing.
Say it ain't so, Po.
[EVIL LAUGHTER] And now, the ritual begins.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
What's happening?
I'm all tingly.
And not in the way I like. Agh.
[SCREAMING]
Time to pay the pipers, witch.
This is so cool.
We're like 40 feet tall.
It's nice to see you smile.
Stop them.
ALL: Hail, Pang Bing.
[DRAMATIC SOUND EFFECTS]
Don't just stand there.
Attack!
I hear and obey.
Whoa!
Po.
I thought you were hypnotised.
Nope.
Check it out.
I countered her mind zap by focusing on only one thought.
Shifu's riddle.
[ELECTRIC SOUND EFFECTS]
Po!
Fire.
[CANNON FIRE]
It is time.
[CHANTING]
What do you put in the barrel to make it lighter?
Don't worry.
Everybody. Ah.
Oh, man.
[PUNCHING SOUNDS]
[WHIMPERING]
The final victory is mine.
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
Got to stop Pang Bing.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[GROANS]
[MECHANICAL SOUNDS]
[LAUGHTER]
[SMASHING SOUNDS]
[CRASH]
[GROANS] Oh, OK.
OK.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[EXPLOSIONS]
[EXPLOSION]
[GROANING]
[MECHANICAL NOISES]
Ah, once again.
I've just got to catch my breath.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I'm coming for you, Pang Bing.
[CRASH]
Po!
[GROANING]
Yours is the only mind left, Panda.
Give it to me.
What do you put in a barrel to make it lighter?
That riddle can't protect you forever.
What do you put in a barrel to make it lighter?
Save yourself, Po.
Play dead.
Climb a tree.
Jump in a hole.
What do you put in a barrel-- hole?
[GASPS] Hole!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
Po.
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
ALL: Hail Pang Bing.
Hail Pang Bing.
[EXPLOSIONS] -What?
No!
I waited so long.
No.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
It worked!
Woo-hoo!
Yes!
What happened?
You figured out the riddle, Lu.
I did?
Eh, that doesn't sound like me.
Well, you helped me figure it out.
To make a barrel lighter, you put a hole in it.
Of course.
And it's funny because it's true.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Panda, you did it.
I was wrong.
You are a thinker when you want to be.
I'm very proud.
Thanks, Master Shifu.
But I couldn't have done it without-- [CRASH] Wow!
Guys. -Hey.
After all we've been through, you
guys we're going to smash me?
Just looking for a return to normalcy.
-Of course. -That's right.
Yes, normal.
Yeah, nothing personal.
[SCREAMS]
[MECHANICAL SOUNDS]
Sorry we can't stay.
We have a previous engagement.
With evil.
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
[CRASH]
Darn it.
And stay out.
ALL: [CHEERING]
Guys!
Not bad, Panda.
Not bad?
The big show-off just saved all in China.
The main thing is that we're all together again.
Unfortunately, our time together will be brief.
Po is still Lu Kang's head of security.
He'll be staying here in the capital.
Sorry, guys.
The emperor needs me.
[SAD MUSIC]
Master Po.
As your emperor, I have this to say to you.
You're fired.
What?
I do need you, Po, but China needs you more.
At the Jade Palace.
So get out of here, you knuckle-head.
Who-hoo!
ALL: [CHEERS]
There he is.
[SAD MUSIC]
Hey, everybody.
Let's hear it for the Dragon Warrior.
Hazah!
ALL: Hazah!
Hazah!
[MUSIC PLAYING]