[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[CUSTOMER RETCHING]
I'm sorry your meal was not to your liking.
May I offer you a coupon for another time?
A coupon?
That was the worst meal we've ever had!
If I wanted to eat a meal that tasted like sawdust
I could have just stayed home!
Just couldn't resist, could ya?
I didn't mean it like that.
HUSBAND: Yes, you did!
Now see what you've done!
This is a problem.
[SCOFFS] You're telling me.
I thought for sure I used enough duck sauce to disguise the taste of the sawdust.
Look, I know there's a drought and flour is scarce,
but you can't feed people sawdust!
We'll lose customers!
I'm way ahead of you, Li! Check it out.
Welcome to Ping and Li's Noodle Shop,
now providing laundry service with every order.
Babysitting available on site.
Manicure and pedicures.
Shave and a haircut. Dental.
Minor surgery performed, while you wait.
[YELLS] What?
What do you think? Ah?
And now keep in mind I'm just spit-balling here.
[SIGHS]
Spit-balls are one of my secret ingredients, by the way.
[ALL GASPING]
Dang it, Ping!
ZHIZHU: Hi, fellas.
Oh, my goodness!
Zhizhu! What a rare surprise!
Are you here for the leg massage?
I'm running a special.
Eight legs for the price of four.
I could also express your spinnerets for a small fee.
I believe we have another situation with the Wellspring.
There have been vibrations.
NU HAI: All I said was that as Leader of the Constellations,
I should be the one to introduce us at the Palace.
BAO: Again with the "leader" stuff?
Why not the most famous? Or best-dressed?
Or the one with the sweetest voice? PS, all me, by the way.
I hate to interrupt but does anyone have any snacks handy?
I'm hungry.
You haven't stopped eating since we left Panda Village, Fan Tong.
I'm nervous about meeting the Emperor so I'm stress-eating.
And I'm nervous about stress-eating, so, you know, it's a vicious cycle.
Now that's weird. According to the map
the pickup point where we're catching the boat in the morning is that way.
It's locked?
Then I guess we're kicking the door down!
[CHUCKLES] No, no. No one's kicking down any doors.
But we do need to find a way in there
so maybe we could find a window or perhaps a chimney...
[SUN WUKONG SINGING] ♪ Twelve million pots of tea on the wall
♪ Twelve million pots of tea
♪ If one of those pots should happen to plotz ♪
[LAUGHING]
[SHUSHING]
Don't shush me! We have esteemed guests coming our way.
Guests? Ooh!
Why didn't you say so?
[EVIL LAUGH]
I was hoping we'd get there early,
you know, maybe do a little clothes shopping.
I hear ruffles are a thing now.
[DOOR OPENS]
FAN TONG: I think I might need some new shorts myself.
PO: Whoa. Looks like a mining town.
NU HAI: This place feels deserted.
An abandoned mining town! Creepy!
"I can dig it." Get it? Up top! Wordplay!
Nobody?
I don't think this is the pickup point.
Everyone, stay close.
Uh...
[LIGHTNING CRASHES]
FAN TONG: That's weird.
Usually I can tell when it's going to rain
because my head starts to tingle.
Totally feeling it now!
PO: This isn't a safe spot to be in a storm. Let's go!
[GASPS]
[SCREAMING]
[LAUGHING WICKEDLY]
[EXCLAIMING]
Follow me!
I know a place!
Okay, there's no way we're following that guy.
[YELLS]
PO: That storm came out of nowhere!
Yes, that's the way things happen 'round here.
It'll pass! In the meantime,
welcome to my man-cave!
May I take your things?
Thanks for your hospitality, Mister...
Sun Wukong. The pleasure is all yours!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.
Like Sun Wukong, the immortal trickster Monkey King guy?
[CHUCKLING] Me? No.
I'm not that Sun Wukong.
Met the guy once. Total wack job.
I'm just the caretaker here.
Pardon me, but what's that red liquid dripping down the mountains?
Please tell me that's cranberry juice.
Unnerving, isn't it?
That's the red dust coming off the mountain.
You're in Langgan, the only red jade mine in all of China.
BAO: Red jade?
Nice! I have been thinking about getting an earring.
Earrings? [SCOFFS]
The power in Langgan Jade would blow your ears off!
It's all gone anyway. Not a nugget to be had.
That's why everyone left.
Except me, I love it here.
So quiet!
And pants are optional.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Thank you, Mister Optional Pants.
Soon as the rain passes, we'll be on our way.
Well, you're free to go at any time.
Of course you'll miss the free buffet.
Sweet heavenly dumplings!
And what do you know,
I just had the guest room re-done.
My bed's got a silk pillowcase for my delicate combination skin.
And mine's hard as a rock. Just like I like it.
It's almost like this place was designed just for us.
I'm sure it's just a coincidence, Nu Hai. Don't make it weird.
[GASPS] Is that a pair of Capri pants in my size?
Awesome!
Mistress Long!
What is it, General Fang?
I thought I instructed you to keep an eye on the Empress while she mourns.
The Empress has requested your presence in her chambers.
Immediately.
Poor suffering girl.
I expect she's come to realize
she's not ready for the responsibility of the throne.
She'll be looking to lean on me for help,
which I'll only be too happy to give.
Fang, get me a handkerchief so I'll be ready to dry her inevitable tears.
Can I just say
it is so inspiring to watch you work.
I know.
Thank you for coming, Shi Long.
As you know, father's death came as a great shock to me.
Here come the water works. Handkerchief me, Fang.
But it has made me realize that
I know you better than you think I do.
Much better, in fact.
I'm not sure I know what you mean, Empress.
I thought you'd say that. Daddy always said I was a maverick
and I go after what I want.
So...
Surprise! [SQUEALS]
I made you an outfit for the funeral.
This style will flatter anyone,
even someone with numerous body flaws such as yourself.
You're welcome.
Thank you, your Grace. Will there be anything else?
Yes, there is one other teeny thing.
When Master Po and the Constellations arrive,
I want to take part in their investigation.
Of course. Wait, what?
I can't just sit around if my people are in danger.
That isn't very mavericky.
Your exaltedness, it could be dangerous.
Not with you by my side.
We are gonna make such a great team.
Me, the idea girl and you,
doing what I say.
Anyone else uneasy about sleeping in a hut with a possible maniac?
We're stuck here till the storm lets up
so you may as well try to catch some z's.
I'll keep watch and make sure nothing hinky goes down.
[DOOR OPENS] [SCREAMS]
How's everyone doin'?
Did you like the pillow mints? Ya comfy?
Physically, yes. Emotionally...
We're good. Thanks.
I'll be in the next room if you need anything.
Anything at all! [CHUCKLES]
Mmm.
[CHUCKLES MISCHIEVOUSLY]
Yeah, we're gonna die.
Well, good night!
[SNORING]
[LIGHTNING CRASHES]
[YAWNS]
What the... Where am I?
I'm on a stage? Sweet!
Hey y'all! It's great to be back in my subconscious,
but I, uh...
[FAINT COUGHING]
I don't have anything prepared.
SUN WUKONG: How's about a joke to warm 'em up?
Great idea. Thanks, Monkey Guy.
So, did you guys see that current event
that happened in the news recently?
What?
[YELLING]
I don't think they're fans! What do I do now?
SUN WUKONG: You could try being talented.
Or interesting? Just a thought.
I hate to be the one to break it to you, Bao,
but you're not a big star!
In fact, you're not a big anything!
[LAUGHS] Sorry to crush your dreams.
BAO: Help! JING: Hey!
Back off, stanky toes!
Jing! Am I dreaming you or are you dreaming me?
Don't know. But that new voice of yours is a nightmare.
Now come on, let's get out of here.
Leaving so soon?
[GROANS]
[GASPS]
Sure I can't interest you in some friendly sparring?
Watch out Jing, he's a tricky monkey!
Man, that kid was a pest!
So what do you say? I'll even give you the first shot.
Well, your face is really punchable. I'm in!
[GRUNTS] [SQUEAKS]
What the...
[SUN WUKONG LAUGHING]
Not much of a fighter.
Guess that's why they say you're the weakest of the Four Constellations.
No one says that! You're a liar!
SUN WUKONG: Liar?
That hurts my feelings.
I've only told one lie in my life.
Know what it was?
That I've only told one lie!
What does that even mean?
NU HAI: It's a brain game, duh!
Nu Hai? What are you doing in my dream?
What are you doing on my desk?
Hey! No cheating off friends!
NU HAI: I may be flat and two-dimensional, but that hurt!
Students, your test begins now!
Luckily, I love tests!
What's the subject? Math? Science? History?
Question one: "What is always coming but never arrives?"
That's a trick question!
But I happen to know this one. The answer is "tomorrow."
You fail!
[SCREAMING]
[ALL GROANING]
[SIGHING IN RELIEF]
Guys? Did you see that?
You mean the part where your worst nightmare
was finding out you're not as smart as you think you are?
Yeah, I saw that.
Not helping!
Hey, where's Fan Tong?
[ALL SCREAMING]
This is Fan Tong's nightmare?
[CHUCKLING]
[GASPS]
[SHRIEKING]
What is it? A ghost? A monster?
It's his shadow.
[FAN TONG WHIMPERING]
It's still there!
[FAN TONG SHRIEKING]
I almost feel bad that was so easy.
[ALL SCREAMING]
[YELLS] Why are we screaming?
I failed a test!
Bombed on stage. My fists got squishy!
I'm getting the feeling it's checkout time here at the Creepy Monkey Inn.
And I guess I'm doing the packing.
The storm seems to have broken. Let's go!
Where's Fan Tong?
Food, Fan Tong? Really?
Seemed a shame to waste it. Nu Hai's right.
This is no time to be worrying about food!
Sorry, Master Po, but I...
Wait a minute.
Since when does Master Po not worry about food?
Hinky! Hinky!
You're not Master Po!
[CHUCKLES] You found me!
The old tell-tale tail always gives me away!
[SHRIEKS]
Where's Master Po? The real one!
PO: Can someone let me out?
It's not great in here.
I think this might be where the miners had their indoor outhouse.
To free him, all you have to do is get past me.
This shouldn't be too hard. There's only one of him and four of us!
Good point.
You just had to say it, didn't you?
Good luck finding the real me!
And you gotta do it before sun-up...
Otherwise Po will be stuck here...
For 500 years!
Zang, get this message to Po.
We need him back in Panda Village ASAP
to help protect the Wellspring.
Okay, got it.
Question: Do I have time for a quick bite before I go?
No. And trust me, you don't want to eat anything here anyway.
Hey! I will try not to take that personally.
[GROANS]
I didn't say stop!
You know what I mean.
Do I? Do you know how fragile I am right now?
Well, Ping, no matter how terrible your cooking may get
or how foolhardy your business ideas may be,
you will always mean the world to me.
[SOBS]
It's times like these I'm grateful for your strength.
You love birds look pretty busy, so I'm just gonna go.
[LAUGHING]
I think I got a beat on the real one.
Darn it. False alarm!
I guess I can tell you now.
I really am the immortal trickster, Sun Wukong!
I knew it! If I weren't trying to defeat you right now
I'd totally be asking for your autograph.
[YELLING]
Ow!
Why are you doing this?
I was trapped here by the gods
after they accused me of stealing the mystical red jade of Langgan!
Did you steal it?
Of course I did!
And I was going to return it, until someone stole it from me.
I've told some whoppers in my time. But that beats 'em all.
The gods didn't believe me either.
They sentenced me to stay in this mine for 500 years
unless I could find someone to take my place.
So you trapped Master Po? That's not fair!
What part of 'immortal trickster' are you not getting?
[SCREAMS]
Constellations! Group meeting!
What is it, Fan Tong?
I just really need to catch my breath.
There's no time to rest. We have to pick up the pace
if we want to find Sun Wukong by sunrise!
FAN TONG: But that's just it, Nu Hai.
I think this monkey guy is trickier than that.
No offense, Fan Tong, but in this scenario, without Master Po
you're the brawn and I'm the brains. I'll think, you fight.
Okay. But I think I'm offended.
With any luck, Zang should make it to the Forbidden City by day's end.
Good.
And when you're done with the map, can you tear off a corner?
I need a little seasoning for my broth.
[DOOR OPENS] [GROANING]
All I can hear is boom, boom, boom.
Get me some sawdust tea, stat.
Are you here about the noises coming from the Wellspring, too?
No, I'm just getting home from a late-night party.
What can I say, the kids are gone, I'm empty nesting.
Now, what about the Wellspring?
Well, there's something going on with it. Again.
So what are we gonna do?
I'm confident Po will be back soon to deal with it.
And if he doesn't return?
Then we'll just take care of it ourselves.
We are the Guardians of the Wellspring after all.
PING: Let's hope it doesn't come to that.
I hate to rush ya, but your deadline is starting to rise!
[GASPS]
Even though he wasn't real, that still felt pretty good.
[PANTING]
Not you again!
[WHIMPERING]
[SUN WUKONG SCREECHING]
Hey, Nu Hai.
Have you noticed anything weird about these monkeys?
NU HAI: You mean besides everything?
Quit wasting time, Fan Tong!
None of them have shadows.
None of them except that one!
[CHUCKLES]
Congrats, big guy, you nailed me.
Unfortunately your timing, not so good.
The sun is up, so I'm heading out
and Po is staying in.
And hey, once you get over the crushing loss
of your Master, let's all grab lunch.
I don't believe you.
No, I really mean it.
And if lunch doesn't work we can do brekkie! If that doesn't work...
You said in my dream that you've only told one lie
and that was it. So maybe nothing you said is true.
That's right. What if everything he says is a lie?
See? He's still tricking us.
For an imaginary sun that is surprisingly juicy.
Guys, I think we're still dreaming.
You're insane! And I should know, I'm insane.
That means the fight was a dream.
Master Po getting locked up was a dream!
Me being untalented was a dream.
That means all we have to do is wake up!
Quick! Knock yourself out.
What? On the count of three.
One, two, three!
[ALL SCREAMING]
Man, that was some serious log-sawing you guys were doing. Hey!
[GASPS]
It's totally dry out here.
And the gate is open!
Are you guys gonna explain to me what happened back there, or am I just...
[SUN WUKONG LAUGHING]
Don't go! I was just playing!
[ALL YELLING]
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
Five hundred years isn't that long!
I've got scabs older than that.
It's quiet here, great place to write a follow-up memoir.
Sorry, Mr. Wukong. We have someplace we gotta be.
And we're behind schedule as it is.
Come on guys, maybe they'll hold the boat for us.
[GRUNTING]
This is not over!
In fact, it's just beginning.
So what do you figure? They solved the riddle. Think they'll do?
Thank you!
[SUN WUKONG LAUGHING]
[GROANS]
I have an important message for Dragon Master Po.
Oh, really? I'll be happy to give it to him personally.
Well, I really shouldn't, you know. It's from Panda Village.
On the other hand, that was a long trip,
and I drank a huge iced tea before I left.
I don't normally do this,
but would you care to use one of the private royal restrooms?
I bet they got that two-ply toilet paper! Here, take it!
LI: Dragon Master Po.
I have reason to believe The Wellspring is in danger.
Please return to Panda Village as soon as possible.
Also, I hope you're getting enough to eat...
XIAO: Shi Long?
I heard something. Who was that?
No one.
Probably just the voices in my head again.
Sometimes they're so loud.
Now come, I want you to taste the menu I've planned for the funeral.
And don't worry, I've ordered a low carb option for you.
I'm not worried at all, Empress.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]