[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[PANDAS GRUNTING]
Think we're gonna catch the boat, Master Po?
Sure do.
According to my map,
the river is right around the corner.
[GASPS]
And down a sheer cliff.
Great. Now how do we get to the Forbidden City?
I've got hordes of fans there waiting to meet and greet me.
We can't let 'em down!
Plus there's that tiny little thing about the Emperor needing our help.
Hey, isn't that our ride?
[MUSIC PLAYING FROM BOAT]
PO: Yes, it is!
Okay, okay. Good news, I've got a plan.
Bad news...
We're gonna get some serious butt-burn.
[ALL SCREAMING]
[FAN TONG SCREAMING]
[PO GRUNTING]
Did we do it? Did we catch the boat?
If by "catch it" you mean "pathetically miss it," then yes.
So now what?
Don't worry.
I'm sure there's plenty of boats that come down this river.
Tons, hundreds!
Master Po, you just took a lot of butts to the face.
Maybe you should rest.
What? No, you're the one that needs to rest.
[LI CLEARS THROAT]
Welcome to the first meeting
of the Formal Society of Panda Wellspring Guardian Warriors
minus Po and the Four Constellations.
But first, let's take roll call.
[GRIMACING]
Is that really necessary? I mean, there's only four of us here.
Don't forget Cart.
Okay. So, five of us.
If I may inquire, why is this society so exclusive?
All the pandas are warriors now, so mightn't we enlist their help
in investigating the Wellspring?
Oh, no. I fear the other pandas would crack under the pressure.
How do you know?
Citizens of Panda Village, I fear I must inform you
the village is out of scallions.
[ALL SCREAMING]
I rest my case.
Yes. Clearly the villagers are not prepared to handle affairs
of such a serious and titillating nature.
[MR. PING SNORING]
So it is up to us.
Present.
Oh, goody.
[GROANING]
So I guess the big question is...
How to break the news to Li that he lost his son, again.
[GASPS]
Whoa, what if we're all dead?
What if this is the afterlife?
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
Oh, man! I never even got to self-publish the sequel to my memoir.
[GRUNTS ANGRILY] Guys, we're not dead!
Yet.
If we're not dead, why do I hear that wonderful heavenly music?
[SCREAMING]
And why do I smell
an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet?
Wasn't Master Po, like, fully dying a second ago?
Ha-ha! Check it out!
It's a gaming boat.
Ahoy! Cap'n!
Over here!
[WOOD CREAKING]
[CHUCKLES] [BONES CRACKING]
Identification?
Uh... Huh...
Let's see. I've got some lint and a toenail clipping.
Will that suffice?
No ID, no entry. Also, ew!
So tasty!
Sweet juicy buffet!
Any chance you guys could throw together
a little all-you-can-eat to-go box for me?
[PO GRUNTING]
Harsh. It's okay, Master Po.
Master Po? The Master Po!
As in Dragon Master Po? That Master Po?
Maybe?
It is you! Wow! I've never met a celebrity before.
Attention, everyone!
We've got a very important panda on board!
Let's this man some mahi mahi!
No kids allowed.
[WHINING]
But they're famous too. Have you ever heard of The Four Constellations?
You know, saviors of the world and whatnot?
Of course!
I'm always up-to-date with the latest celebrity gossip and whatnot.
Then you probably know all about me, Bao, from my bestselling memoir.
Puh-lease.
If you'd read Bao's memoir,
as I have, thrice,
you'd know that Bao is ten feet tall and extremely handsome.
And you're boyishly cute, at best.
Ten feet tall? Really, Bao?
It's called "artistic license."
[PANDAS SCREAMING]
Wait, no, hold on.
Kids!
Don't worry, Master Po! We'll figure out a way to join you!
Okay. I'll save you some shrimp.Come on.
[WOOD CREAKING]
We'll figure out a way?
Yep. It's what Master Po calls "thinking on your feet."
Hmm... Still thinking.
[CHUCKLING] Fine. If you insist...
I hereby decree, all citizens are required to kiss my feet
when they enter my presence
and give me foot rubs, and scrub my toe calluses.
No, it's too much.
Only scrub some of my toe calluses.
Oh, please, limit your standing ovations
to no more than 25 minutes.
XIAO: Shi Long?
What are you doing?
Nothing. Just testing the throne.
To make sure it's up to, uh, royal ergonomic standards.
Oh, Shi Long!
I don't know what I would do without you.
Thank goodness you don't have a social life.
Shi Long,
I need a task to distract me from missing my father
and crying myself to sleep every hour, on the hour.
So I was thinking,
why don't I help you with my father's pipeline project?
No!
I mean, nonsense, my dear.
The pipeline is dumb and boring.
You'd hate it.
How about to get your mind off your deceased father,
you work on planning his funeral?
Did you say funeral?
[SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY]
Daddy! Forget the actual funeral.
That's nasty
and I already have the unwashed masses working on that.
That is so thoughtful
of the unwashed masses.
I meant the funeral after-party.
You know, where you let loose
and celebrate
how awesome the funeral was.
[SOBS]
Is that a thing?
It is absolutely a thing and not something I just made up right now.
Wow, I have so much to learn about royal traditions!
I'd better get to work.
Thank you, Shi Long. You're my best friend!
[GRUNTS ANGRILY]
This seems dangerous.
Yeah, it does.
The sooner we get to Master Po,
the sooner we get to the Forbidden City.
One, two, go!
Fan Tong!
Remember Fan Tong, you are brave, you are...
[SCREAMING]
So much for keeping a low profile.
Yeah. And while we're at it, might as well stuff my face with crab cakes!
[HIGH-PITCHED CHUCKLING]
Double double dipping, you all!
Guys, we're here to find Master Po,
not eat dinner.
YAK BOUNCER: Hey! Food's not free on this ship, you bumpkin.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, you did not just say that!
Easy, Jing. Let's not make any trouble.
Isn't it a little late for that?
PO: Bam! Master Po?
Hyah! Oh, yeah!
Master Po? A little help!
Please, people! I am but a simple panda
blessed with supernatural abilities and an uncanny knack for board games.
[ALL GRUNTING]
And stay here! Not like you have any choice. [LAUGHING]
[DOOR SLAMS]
Great. We're stuck in here now.
Look at the bright side. At least we're not walking to the Forbidden City.
Yeah. And there's a nice place for us to sit.
[CRUNCHING]
[SCREAMING]
I take it back, I take it back so hard!
They can't keep us locked in here forever.
Yes, they can!
Clearly, they can!
Come on, what are we waiting for?
Whoa, Jing, we can't call any more attention to ourselves.
Ugh, fine.
And how are we gonna get to Master Po, genius?
Don't worry,
I'm sure he's working on a plan.
Bam! Now that's how you Mahjong, baby!
MEI MEI: How ya'll doin' tonight?
Put your paws in the air,
my little goblins!
Please tell me that isn't...
[CROWD CLAMORING]
[SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ All eyes on Mei Mei
♪ That's what they say
[YAK SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY]
♪ Can't look away
♪ All eyes on Mei Mei
♪ When I give 'em Mei Mei
♪ With a little sway!
♪ "Mei Mei!" The men cry "Mei Mei!"
♪ Oh spin me. I usually accumulate a grand applause
♪ Applaud away!
♪ All eyes on Mei Mei ♪
Why does Fan Tong get to be on top?
Look, Master Po's right there.
I bet I can get his attention.
ROOSTER: I thought I smelled the pungent odor of pandas!
You!
What are you doing here, feather brain?
Now that is an interesting story.
I remember it
like it was yesterday, because it was!
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
No!
I have a problem.
There. I said it.
Sorry to hear about your poor life decisions...
But, we're a little busy here trying to break out.
Ah-ha! That is where I come in.
I can let you out.
If you help me get back my gold.
Isn't that kinda, a felony?
Not if those scheming yaks cheated me out of it,
which they definitely did!
I lost everything, oh, everything.
My pension, my hope chest,
even Wing and Wong's belated wedding gift.
They were going to love those monogrammed towels.
Whoa, wait.
You two are a couple?
You didn't know? I thought it was so obvious.
We are madly in love. See?
So, do we have a deal?
Skabooyah!
Whoo! Aw, yeah!
I can't believe it, are you serious?
The Boss heard the Dragon Master was on board.
He wants to see you.
Who's the Boss?
We got him, Boss.
Welcome, Dragon Warrior.
It brings me great joy to challenge you to a game of wits.
And by a game of wits,
I mean Mahjong.
I'm sort of gamed out at the moment, to be honest.
What was that?
Master Po's not gonna like this!
Hit it one more time.
It might've been those four bratty kids that snuck on the boat.
They made it on the boat!
Not so fast, see!
Again with the swords?
First, we play.
GUARD: That's right, boss.
Okay, fine.
[CRACKS KNUCKLES]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
A-ha!
Good game, thanks for playing, see ya!
Again!
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
Aha!
Again! [GROANS]
You can't trick me, Panda. Again!
[GROANS]
How are you so bad at this game?
Hey, here's an idea. I forfeit. You win. Congratulations!
I don't need no charity!
I win all the time, fair and square.
Ain't that right, boys?
That's right, Boss. We let you win all the time.
I hate to be a sore winner, but, I gotta go check on my students.
Get him, boys!
[PO GRUNTING]
Fight!
[GRUNTING]
[MEI MEI VOCALIZING]
[GRUNTS AND SCREAMS]
[GRUNTING AND SLASHING]
Huzzah!
[BLEATING]
I thought your gold would be more of a gold color?
That isn't gold, you moron.
It's iron!
Totally worthless iron!
Crud. I was really looking forward to those monogrammed towels.
There were never any towels, you fool!
I made that part up
to convince the kids.
Wait a second.
Why would a gaming boat be hauling iron ore?
PO: You guys made it on the boat
all by yourselves?
Nice! Now, let's run before we get stabbed by goats.
Master Po, I presume.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Yeah, we don't have time for this bit right now.
How do we get off the boat without being seen?
I know how to get off the boat!
And I'll even show you.
YAK BOUNCER 1: Which way did he go?
TAHR: I think he went this way.
[SIGHS] All right,
let's hear it. Quickly!
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
And then you jump off the side of the boat,
into the electric eel-infested river below
where you will try your best
not to die.
Eels?
Don't worry! The man-eating leeches will probably get you first!
Yeah, all that makes sense. Also, do you have a death wish?
As it so happens, no.
See, I have these little things called wings.
So I plan to fly to shore.
I thought roosters couldn't fly.
Oh, did you? [CLUCKING]
Ooh! Ooh, look at me, I'm soaring!
I'm part eagle, you know!
[STRUGGLING]
[SCREAMING] Get away from me!
[SCREAMING]
This is fine, I just need to get...
[SCREAMING] Just gotta warm up my wings.
Find the direction of the wind.
[SCREAMING] A bit more...
[SCREAMING] A bit more thrust.
Okay, so maybe not that.
Anybody else?
We can put ourselves back into jail! Jail wasn't so bad.
Or how 'bout we hop up on that rope bridge?
Yeah, that. Let's do that.
[THUDDING]
Get ready.
Jump!
[GASPING IN FEAR]
Keep going!
[GRUNTING]
Master Po!
A little help?
There he is!
Oh, boy!
[ROPE STRAINING]
Darling!
Careful, I'm with child!
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, hey, guys!
[SCREAMING]
Fan Tong!
[GRUNTING]
Sorry, boys. I got a bridge to catch.
[SCREAMING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
That was a close one...
ROOSTER: Oh! My cloaca!
My chicken tenders!
Yeah! I told you roosters could fly!
[BUZZING] [SCREAMING]
This is where I was standing
when I last heard the mysterious sound.
Cart and I don't hear a thing.
Me neither. But to be fair, I am deaf in both ears.
That's odd.
I've been hearing it with such regularity.
Maybe the Wellspring was just feeling gassy.
Well, whatever it was,
it appears to be over.
[LOUD RUMBLING]
[LOUD EXPLOSION]
What the...
[GRUNTS]
The Wellspring... It's gone!
SHI LONG: Red Jade.
The only gem on Earth that can both absorb and expel energy.
DARK SHADOW: I can feel my power growing already.
Very good, Shi Long.
Thank you.
And tell me,
what of the Four Constellations?
Don't worry about the Four Constellations.
Their light
will soon be extinguished.
Kids, I gotta say,
really proud of the independent thinkin' you've been doing.
Keep it up and you're gonna put me of work as your teacher.
[CHUCKLING]
Kidding.
Don't get ahead of yourselves. You've still got a lot to learn.
We know.
Know what they say.
The best teachers are the ones whose students outgrow their teaching.
Yeah, well, I'm still learning from Oogway and he's dead,
so don't push it.
Anyhoo, great news, we can get to the Forbidden City
by cutting through the Fertile Valley!
Ought to be a piece of cake.
Ooh! Maybe there will even be cake!
I'll have a piece of that cake!
[BUZZING] [SCREAMING]
Do those guys realize
we didn't invite them?
It's too awkward to say anything now.
[ROOSTER SCREAMING]
Smell that? That's the Fertile Valley.
Take a big whiff of that fertileness, gang.
Hope you're hungry.
Get ready to stuff your face with...
JING: Dirt.
So, I'm guessing there's no cake?
[BUZZING] [SCREAMING]
♪ Mei Mei. That's what they say
♪ Can't look away
♪ All eyes on Mei Mei
♪ When I give 'em Mei Mei
♪ With a little sway
♪ All eyes on Mei Mei ♪