[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
[WHISTLES]
[ALL GASP AND GRUNT]
Free public transpo!
PO: I like it!
Aah!
Little bit jerky, though!
Whoa.
So, dirigible guy said he was meeting a contact in a tavern.
So let's find us a tavern!
Excuse us! Do you...
[ALL SCREAMING]
Never mind, she's focused on the road.
Maybe our contact can tell us why
those imperial guards tried to kill us.
He better!
And then, [GRUNTS] we'll knock his teeth out!
And kick his head in...
We need him alive and well.
With all of his teeth and his head intact...
Watch the road, lady!
BAO: Watch out!
[ALL SCREAMING]
[ALL GRUNTING]
You get what you pay for, I guess.
Huh.
[SCREAMS]
[GROWLS AND SCREAMS]
Well, we found the tavern!
But I don't want us recognized,
so keep a low profile, know what I'm sayin'?
And no chi. Just, please try to blend in.
[ALL GRUNTING]
[GASPS]
[ALL GROWLING]
[GRUNTS]
This is so awesome! We're undercover!
In a tavern full of criminals!
And the government thinks we're dead! [LAUGHS] Pinch me!
[PO CLEARS THROAT]
You guys have, like, a pot sticker type o' deal?
With a sauce or somethin'?
Gongmen stew.
No refunds.
Um, is there silverware, or...
Gongmen stew. No refunds.
FANG: Has the Empress eaten her dinner?
Afraid not, sir.
She refuses and asked that we leave her be, forever.
She's upset about that fat panda.
Well, the fattest panda.
Just, move aside, I'll speak to her.
Apologies, General.
We have strict orders not to allow anyone inside.
And who, may I ask, gave you the orders?
You did, of course, sir.
Right. Carry on.
She's been in the exact same position for hours.
And neither of you felt the need
to check on why she hadn't moved?
[GASPS]
The Empress has been turned into a vegetable.
What wicked sorcery is this? [SNORTS]
Suspect is a warlock. Height unknown...
That's not the Empress, you idiot!
General! Look!
XIAO: Dear reader, your precious Empress Xiao is gone,
probably forever.
Do not search for her, but if you do,
definitely do not go into the woods surrounding the palace.
She's not there.
Yours truly, xoxo, her captor.
What kind of monster would do this?
She's clearly written this herself.
The "I's" are dotted with little hearts
and there's peach juice all over it.
We can't be sure. The warlock could've conjured his own juice.
He's toying with us, General Fang!
Would you please... [GRUNTS]
Nobody can know she's gone.
CHOW GUARD 1: Of course, General.
FANG: The woods surrounding the palace are treacherous.
The Empress is not safe.
Okay, gang, let's split up
and look for any quizzical lookin' ne'er-do-wellers.
Hmm. Try to get some answers.
Are we assigning code names?
I call dibs on "The Albatross."
Such a good idea! But no time.
Please, nobody act rash.
[CLEARS THROAT] Jing.
Give yourself an MTA,
moment to assess the situation
before you resort to whoopin'...
That dude looked at me funny!
Hey!
No!
[GROWLS]
Ya!
[GRUNTS]
[ALL GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS]
Aah!
[GRUNTS]
Aah!
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTS]
For the record, I'm disappointed in you guys!
LI: All right, people,
we're in less than an ideal situation here!
[ALL GRUNT]
So what's the plan, bozo?
We get inside the volcano.
It seems Shi Long is building
a giant warrior in there, made out of some kind of...
[MUMBLES]
warrior material. Aah!
[GRUNTS] What makes you so sure?
[GRUNTS]
Well, the designs for a volcano lab
and giant warrior were on scrolls
sitting right by each other.
But you're right, that could mean anything.
But those guards did not like us
snooping around down there.
Exactly. So we blow up the whole island, without us on it.
[ALL SCREAMING]
And then when we do...
[ALL LAUGHING]
Ah!
Rooster! What is the deal?
Keep your eyes on the sea, buckoes!
Wing, Wong! Cut splice the cunningham!
Tide's in our favor!
Well, now hold that side of pickled cabbage!
Who died and made you captain?
[SCREAMS]
I am the only one here who knows how to sail a ship,
you plump giblet!
Is that so? You've sailed a ship?
No! But I have ridden in the back of a wagon. Enough gibber-jabber!
Anchors a-weigh, boys!
Deckhands, hoist the buttress!
Volcano Island, dead ahead!
Whoa!
How are we supposed to find our guy in this mess?
We bust every head in this place!
No more head-busting!
We wouldn't be in this brawl if you had listened to me...
We just gotta find the slimiest looking slime ball in here!
That guy's pretty slimy.
You're right. Our bribe from the Empire
should have been here by now.
Somethin' don't feel right.
That's our guy!
[GROWLS]
Get them!
[GRUNTS]
[ALL GRUNTING]
[WHIMPERS]
Aah!
[GRUNTS]
[SHRIEKS]
Nobody destroys my tavern but me!
Aah!
[GRUNTS]
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS AND PANTS]
[GRUNTS]
[GROWLS]
All right, pal, we need to talk.
Oh no, buddy.
Sweet Christmas, he's so sticky!
Get your dry, furry hands off of me!
[ALL GRUNTING]
We gotta get him out of here!
Good luck!
[EFFORT GRUNTS]
Maybe we can roll him?
[GURGLING]
You heard the man...
You're a man, right?
[GROWLS]
Let's roll him outta here!
[ALL SIGH]
Ow!
[ALL GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS]
Huh. Hello?
Is somebody there? Father?
Is that your spirit here to comfort me?
[CRIES] Oh, Daddy!
[SHRIEKS]
Don't let the darkness trick you, Xiao.
Be brave. Be brave.
[GASPS]
What ya' got there, lady?
[ALL LAUGHING]
[ALL GRUNTING]
Or should I say Empress!
You think I care about that hat? Please.
It's super-tacky and hecka itchy.
So what's a rich princess doing
all the way out in these scary woods?
Well, I'm meeting a trained cut-throat,
with lots of muscles...
He should be here soon. What time do you have?
Your gold, Empress. Or else!
Halt! Unhand her!
You know who you're messin' with, pal?
Well, I think we showed them.
Let's get outta here, boys!
You can't be out here, Your Majesty!
Shi Long would have my head if she knew you left the city.
Well, tell her I'm not coming back.
Let's go, Empress.
No. I am a forest wanderer now.
I do not know where I am going, but from this point forward...
I will let the trees guide me.[RUSTLING]
Father?
Grab her!
Now, trees! Now is your time! Rise up!
Take them down! I order you in my name as Empress!
[GRUNTS AND SCREAMS]
[GRUNTS]
[GASPS]
FANG: Who goes there?
I demand you...
[SCREAMS]
Come with me, child. These woods aren't safe.
[ALL GRUNTING]
All right, time to talk, pal!
[GASPS]
You're really gonna have to enunciate.
The name's Dun Dun.
My delicate combination skin
must be constantly moisturized,
much like the buttocks of a North African Gibbon.
Uh... What?
I need a lot of water, okay?
You'll get your watering, big guy.
[GRUNTS]
Once we get some answers.
Backwards pound.
That was fun, because we've never done it before.
You won't be getting anything out of me.
I was supposed to meet imperial guards in the tavern,
not a bunch of skinny pandas.
Oh, thank you! Very kind!
Was hopin' it would come to this. [LAUGHS]
I'll jog his memory!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What did I say about assessing the situation, Jing?[GRUNTS]
Okay, you don't want me to hit him.
What do you want me to do, heal it out of him?
Nothing makes sense!
NU HAI: Spill the beans, Dun Dun,
and everyone gets out of here unharmed.
No. I'll never talk.
Give us the info we need,
and we'll moisten you up and be on our way.
Please, just moisten me. I'm drying out!
Mmm. So refreshing!
We can sit here all day while you dry out, pal!
Okay, I'll talk! There's a junk.
Docked down at the harbor.
With a shipment of iron headed to Volcano Island.
Oh. [LAUGHS]
Yes! [LAUGHS]
What's the iron for, gordo?
I don't know what the iron's for!
But the ship takes off tonight!
That's all I got, I swear!
[WHIMPERS]
[LAUGHS]
ALL: Ugh!
Okay, we've done some pretty weird stuff,
but that may top the list.
I wonder if that iron shipment
is the same one we saw on the gaming boat.
Could be.
But what's the iron for?
We've got a ship to catch if we wanna find out.
Now, let's riggity-roll!
[GRUNTS]
Oh, wow. What is this place?
[GASPS] Is this some kind of lady gym
where you don't have to worry about
all the creeps and grunting weight lifters?
Something like that. Aah!
Wouldn't wanna be that guy.
When our former master Jindiao left us,
my monks and I
committed to a lifetime of helping others.
The target is a reminder of our past. [GRUNTS]
Well, thank you for saving me,
but I am a forest wanderer now
and I must be going.
Before my royal guards find me again.
I've known many like you, Empress.
I too was a wanderer, searching for my path.
Really? A forest wanderer like me?
Or just like a regular vagrant?
I can't imagine what it's been like for you,
losing your father,
gaining all that power and responsibility overnight.
Not easy, even for the strongest of warriors.
You sound like Shi Long.
Shi Long?
My royal adviser. She doesn't think I'm ready either.
And she dictates my every move.
And I don't know how I could have taken on my new role without her,
but I'm starting to forget what it's like to be my own person.
I just wanted time to grieve!
I mean, first Father, then Fan Tong.
And I'm just an emotional wreck right now!
Fan Tong? You know him?
Nice panda, about 'yay' wide?
Tiny hands, wears capri pants?
That's him. [CRIES]
Oh, how I miss those tiny hands.
I owe my life to Fan Tong and his friends.
I just don't know what to do with him gone.
I feel so alone.
We are not so different.
We've both felt the sting of losing someone special.
As a fawn, I was always fighting.
[GRUNTS]
[SCREAMS]
A violent future was my only path.
I was a beggar, an urchin.
Until...
His name was Jindiao. A wise kung fu warrior.
He saw a fight in me. He saw potential.
He taught me that I, too, could become a warrior.
After proving to be his strongest student,
he presented me with a gift.
It was a jade tusk,
made of the rare, precious green stone.
He promised me the world
in exchange for my undying loyalty.
I became willing to do anything
to help him achieve ultimate power.
But after years of doing his bidding,
years of fighting by his side...
[GRUNTS]
He betrayed me.
I meant nothing to him.
I thought he gave me purpose in life.
But in the end, I had to find my own.
We are going to thrust this ship
right into the heart of the beast!
You gotta stare down the Demon!
[SCREAMS]
You gotta make a love connection with old lady Ocean.
Look off in the distance and focus on a landmark!
I'm old, and I'll puke whenever I feel like it,
thank you very much!
I was only trying to help!
Hold that thought. [RETCHES]
Hang tight, we got a big one! [LAUGHS]
ALL: Whoa!
Think about our unborn child.
[SCREAMS]
[WHOOPING]
I am immortal!
I love it!
LI: Land ho!
Thank goodness!
Oh, no.
Whoa!
[LAUGHS]
Nailed the landing! Nailed it! Aah!
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Volcano Island!
Your tale of heartbreak was sad,
but I don't see what it has do with me. [SCREAMS]
Follow me, Empress. We must jump.
What? No! It must be a thousand-foot drop!
You are a lynx.
Surely you'll land on your feet, will you not?
Um, I'm gonna go with "no" on that one.
Call it a hunch.
I see. A feeling deep down in your gut, you might say?
Exactly. I'm not jumping off of a cliff just because you say so.
I don't have a death wish.
Ah! So you can make your own decisions.
Remember that when you return to your throne,
to rule over your people.
[EXHALES]
Yeah, but what about my bossy-pants adviser?
A wise ruler listens to advisors,
but makes the toughest decisions
even in times of pain, with her heart.
I just wanna bottle you up and take you home.
And then open the bottle and free you
so you can lead my security detail.
My duties are with my fellow monks,
but when you need me,
leave a candle in your window. I will be there.
One last thing, Empress.
In case you ever find yourself lost in the woods.
All righty, that's gotta be Shi Long's boat
that Dun Dun was talking about.
Look! Shi Long's Guards!
Okie dokie, no problemo.
We just gotta get on the boat
without anyone noticing.
That's them!
Those are the skinny Pandas who tried to dry me out!
Get them!
[GROWLING]
Those are the flabby jerks that destroyed my tavern!
Sorry, pal, we're on a break.
Break's over!
Gongmen Police! Everybody freeze!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS]
Ah!
[GRUNTS]
Huh.
[GRUNTS]
[SCREAMS]
[ROARS]
Come on, we gotta go!
[PANTING]
[GASPS]
[ALL SCREAM]
Does anyone here know how to use a flippin' spy glass?
Now hold on, I got us here, didn't I?
Now we just have a day or a month's journey
to get to the actual Volcano part of Volcano Island!
At least we have the supplies from the ship.
Cart can cook us up a pupu platter for the road.
[WHIMPERS]
Heavens to Betsy, we've been robbed!
Somebody drank all of the emergency water! And ate all the food!
Rooster!
That's Captain Rooster.
Well, I have never, in all my life...
Hutt! Chut-chut! Shut-it! We've got a long road ahead.
We should probably find some water.
A thousand apologies, Shi Long!
Oh, get up.
I tried to get her back but...
[LAUGHS]
Is something funny, mistress?
Such a fool.
The Empress has returned, no thanks to you.
But if this ever happens again, I know plenty of guards
who would kill for your position.
[GRUNTS]
Aah!
All right gang, next lesson, figuring out how to sail.
Did anyone, by chance, bring some ginger root?
You know, for sea sickness and potential constipation?
Guys? We're gonna need more than ginger.
[ALL GASP]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]