[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
FAN: Guys?
There's three ships coming this way.
What do you think they want?
There are only two options here, fans or paparazzi.
Gimme that, let me see.
On my signal, prepare to fire!
[CANNON WHEELS ROLLING]
Sorry to bust your bubble, Bubba,
but it's the Gongmen City cops.
POLICE CHIEF: Fire!
[WATER SPLASHING]
I always wanted a burial at sea. Just not this soon.
Wait a minute, I've got an idea.
We'll sink the boat.
I'm kinda working on this whole, not maiming anyone thing.
But if we gotta, we gotta.
No. Not their boat, ours.
[CHUCKLES]
Good morning, Shi Long.
You're up early, Empress.
I trust you had a good night's sleep?
Oh, did I ever.
And I face today ready to embrace my role as Empress.
How wonderful for us all.
So, what would you like to do first?
Pose for a portrait? Repaint the palace?
Kiss some babies?
We'll have them disinfected, of course.
I want to learn to kick butt.
That's not traditionally in the purview of being a ruler.
Perhaps a crash course in nodding, waving, and walking on tiptoe?
This is not a request, it's an order.
If I am to be a leader who fights for my people,
I must first know how to fight for myself.
Of course, your majesty.
General Fang, as the kingdom's most decorated warrior,
you shall instruct the Empress in the art of Kung Fu.
[STAMMERS] I... But of course.
Oh, and FYI, I already know a few moves.
[GRUNTS]
[CONTINUES GRUNTING]
Empress, you're a born warrior.
[GIGGLES] I'm good, aren't I?
We got lucky. She's completely uncoordinated.
The last thing we need is for her to know how to defend herself.
So, what should I teach her?
I don't care, as long as it's not lethal.
[GRUNTING]
Ow!
You have a really hard face.
What do ya think they're doing down there?
I don't know and I don't care.
All right everybody, we're on the buddy system.
Grab your partner and make sure your badges are showing.
We need to know that they know our names.
Well, that solves that. Another case closed.
Great police work, everybody. Back to Gongmen City.
This is not what I would have done,
but no one died, so I guess your plan worked.
Good job, Nu Hai.
Thanks, Master Po.
"Good job, Nu Hai"?
I don't know if you noticed, but we're in the middle of the ocean here.
PO: And that's why we keep heading that way.
[SQUEALS]
MR. PING: Are we there yet?
I'm starving for the taste of sweet revenge
on those who took our precious Po from us.
And don't forget about my grand-kids.
And those other two I sorta tolerated.
Patience, you two. Rooster has assured us he is an experienced cartographer.
Cartographer?
We'll be the judge of that, won't we, Cart?
See what I did there?
Shh, No distractions.
If my calculations are correct,
the entrance to the volcano is here.
Oh, for the love of-- Again?
What d'ya know? I guess I must've drawn the map upside down.
We're farther away now than when we landed on this godforsaken island.
[GRUNTS]
Mmm-hmm. I knew it! It's chicken scratch.
Well, I'm done.
This seems like a good enough place to drop dead and get eaten by crabs.
You!
You're the reason we're lost in this jungle-scape with no water, no food.
Why are you doing this to us? Who do you work for?
Rooster don't work for nobody.
Yeah, he's never held down a job in his life.
Everyone stop yelling. Cart is very sensitive to tension.
Cart!
Oh, Cart.
Huh?
[GASPS]
Look at what saved Cart.
A dolly. Cootchy, cootchy.
Ah, that doll looks like how my mouth tastes.
Don't touch that. It's Bai Gu Jing!
[GASPS] Not Bai Gu Jing!
[SHRIEKS]
Who's Bai Gu Jing?
I thought you knew.
None of you know the story of Bai Gu Jing?
The White Bone Demon?
ROOSTER: Let me tell you a tale.
Years ago, there lived a mysterious woman who journeyed across China,
stopping in remote villages to eat and perhaps to rest for a night or two.
LI: Wow! That is some amazing shadow puppet work, Rooster.
WONG: Just imagine if he had fingers.
LI: I always do.
ROOSTER: Shut it!
[ROOSTER CLEARS THROAT]
As I was saying,
unassuming villagers would open their doors to her,
only to realize too late that she was no ordinary traveler.
She was the White Bone Demon.
Yes! And it was not food for which she hungered.
[ALL SCREAMING]
But for their very souls.
And if that's not bad enough, each time she ate a soul
she'd leave behind a memento of her evil deed.
WONG: No. ROOSTER: Yes.
For years she terrorized villages,
devouring the souls across the land.[LIGHTNING CRASHES]
Until she tried to eat the soul of a legendary Kung Fu Master,
who fought and defeated her.
[SWORD SWOOSHING]
[ROARING]
Then banished her to the Realm of the Dead.
Well, thank goodness that's over.
Don't you know how campfire stories work?
It's not over.
Because some say the White Bone Demon has escaped,
and on nights like tonight, she wanders the land
in search of new souls to consume.
Stop!
I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.
No way. That's what Bai Gu Jing wants.
To split us up. No. We all go to the bathroom together!
[COUGHING]
Huh?
Oh, no, I didn't say anything.
WING: Could you keep making noise? I'm kind of self-conscious.
Well, this is madness.
Waiting in the bushes while someone makes a boom-boom.
Now then, where was I?
Immortal demon leaves creepy doll after she steals your soul.
Yep, that pretty much covers it.
Well, I think it sounds like poppycock.
I don't know what poppycock means,
but I don't like the sound of it.
WONG: Wing? You all done back there?
I mean, if you need an extra hoof.
[SCREAMING]
It's really not such a bad likeness.
[ALL SCREAMING]
It's the White Bone Demon. She's coming for us all!
Wing? Wing?
This is no time to panic.
Perhaps, Wing is just still busy with his bathroom break.
Sure. It often takes me eight hours to push one out.
You're not helping, Grandma.
My gang was on the upswing until we got caught up with you pandas.
"You Pandas"? How dare you?
I lost my son, or have you forgotten?
You know, you're always saying "my son".
He's my son, too.
And what about that old lady's grandchildren?
And those two other kids she sorta tolerated.
Would you tell your cohort not to speak for Grandma?
She can speak for herself.
Go ahead, Grandma.
[ALL SCREAMING]
XIAO: What will we start with?
Hand to hand combat? Psychological torture?
That weird staring thing where you don't really look in their eyes,
but more at like an invisible spot on their forehead?
Let's begin with weapons.
[CHUCKLES]
A hairbrush?
Yes.
Though unassuming, it is the deadliest of weapons.
Oh, I see it now.
I did hear of a princess, who brushed her hair so much
she gave herself a permanent bald spot.
[GASPS]
Is that what you're suggesting? 'Cause that is hardcore.
Something like that, yes.
Kung Fu!
Yay!
SHI LONG: You looked fierce out there, Empress.
Any criminal would be unlucky to cross your path.
I don't feel any fiercer today than I was yesterday.
Oh, but you are.
Your father would be pleased, as would your fat little Panda friend,
may they both rest in peace.
I know they are looking down on you from the Spirit Realm.
So proud of the strong ruler you are becoming.
Thank you, Shi Long.
I'll see myself to my room.
Where do you think you're going?
Well, I had a blowout scheduled for later this evening.
You know it's shedding season.
Don't you mean you're going to head into town,
so that when the Empress sneaks out to prove herself, she has a bad guy to fight?
With all due respect, Mistress Long, why would you think that...
[GRUNTS]
Now go and disguise yourself well.
The Empress must not know your true identity.
I have just the outfit.
PO: This is it. This must be where our ship was headed.
Oh. sweet, stable, land.
Let's take it down a notch 'cause you know we gotta start strategizing on how to get--
[SHUSHES]
[GROANING]
We have to get inside without anyone seeing us.
Yeah. I have an idea. Check it out.
Nu Hai, you and Bao go left,
while Fan Tong and Jing, you guys'll be...
Listen guys, I get you wanna try out all your ideas but we gotta be smart.
'Cause now we're in here, we don't know what's happening out there.
We could be in these crates all night before anything happ...
We're moving, Master Po.
I think they're taking us inside.
Huh? Well, what d'ya know?
[GRUNTS]
Barkeep, one glass of juice. With extra pulp.
[BURPS]
Do you know where I might find some wrongs that need to be righted?
The kitchen doesn't open till later, so...
[SCREAMING]
I told you to give me your money.
Busted.
Return this poor wretched creature's money.
[STUTTERS] I... I haven't taken any yet.
Well then, give him some of yours.
You... you, butt-sniffer.
You just cost me my dinner. You're in real trouble now.
Unfortunately for you, vile creature, I know Kung Fu.
I was hoping you'd say that.
[THUMPS]
Jade Tusk. Hey.
Um, what's that in your mouth?
I'm just trying something new.
What are you doing here?
I had that bad hombre on the ropes.
Uh... No, you didn't.
JADE: You must be more careful, Empress.
And the next time you need my protection, remember to light a candle in the window.
[XIAO COUGHING]
That's not exactly how that's supposed to work.
But never mind.
You need my protection?
I don't want your protection.
Now you're not making any sense.
I want you to teach me to protect myself, Jade Tusk.
Hmm. It would be my honor.
Yay.
But we must do it in secret. First though, about this weapon of yours...
Oh, yeah. Cool, huh?
Where is the weapon I gave you?
Oh, the green thing that smells like plaque?
Hiya!
Mmm?
We have much work to do.
[THUDS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
The coast is clear. Come on.
Let's see if we can figure out what Shi Long has planned.
Which way should we go, Master Po?
Oh, what was that?
Did somebody want my opinion about something?
Whoa. Master Po's flexing some 'tude right now.
Ya think?
Hey. I hear it, too.
[WATER DRIPPING]
I'm sorry.
I'm just having trouble with the idea that you guys
don't seem to need me as much anymore.
That was the part where you were supposed to disagree with me.
You know we owe everything to you, Master Po.
But we are getting pretty advanced.
Some of us faster than others. Underwater Chi Ball, y'all.
Maybe it's time that we, I dunno, re-evaluate our relationship?
Wait a minute, are you guys breaking up with me?
Oh, geez.
Like, maybe instead of four students and a master,
we should think of ourselves as a team of five equals?
Hey, guys.
Maybe we should stop calling you Master Po.
What? Just Po?
Or not. You know, just spitballing some ideas.
Yo, guys?
No, it's okay. I totally get it.
Does not hurt my feelings, not one bit.
Hey, dip-sticks.
Does anybody else think these creepy lights and noises are worth investigating?
We have got to remain calm.
I'm sure there's a rational reason for what is happening here.
We're all gonna die.
I wish I had done more things on my bucket list.
Cart and I had wedding plans.
We were just waiting for the laws to change.
Can I say something I've never told anyone?
As a child I would sometimes pretend I was a goose.
[WAILING]
Of course. Who in their right mind wants to be a rooster?
I'm feeling judged.
That's what I was going for.
Wong? A little help?
Sorry, Boss.
Stop it, all of you!
Well, I'm sorry you all had to see that side of me,
but, you know, sometimes you have to get a little crazy.
What's the matter? Afraid to speak?
[SCREAMING]
If anything happens to me, promise me--
Don't worry, Ping. I won't stop until I avenge Po's death.
I was going to ask you to look after Cart.
Dang it, Ping.
Are you comparing our son to a--
Be very careful what you say, Li.
Oh, how could I have been so blind?
Don't you see what's happening?
Whenever we fight, someone gets taken.
We must stop fighting with each other before it's too late.
What the...
Oh, no.
[GASPS]
[SCREAMING]
Here me now, White Bone Demon, we are not afraid of you.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
[INDISTINCT WHISPERS]
[GASPS]
[CREAKING]
But that weird creaking noise is a close second.
[SCREAMING]
I won't let you take cart.
[YELLING]
Finally.
We were wondering when you would get here.
But how?
All right, grab yourself a plate.
The dumplings are soggy, but the noodles aren't bad.
Is the White Bone Demon here?
She never showed.
I think we can assume she was intimidated by my powerful and capable presence.
Or she was driven away by your high-pitched screams.
I think the White Bone Demon is just misunderstood.
It's obvious. She don't want to eat folks.
She just want folks to eat.
Yeah, it seems pretty fishy to me too. But I'm too hungry to care.
Oh, thank you, White Bone Demon, or whoever you are,
for helping us find the volcano entrance, and for reminding us that harsh words
and strife have no place when it comes to family and friends.
Who are you talking to? Just shut up and eat.
But don't eat too much. Because the next course is revenge.
PING: Oh, boy.
The goose is right. They are soggy.
All that iron they had shipped here, they're melting it.
But why?
I think I know.
You could really hurt someone with a sword this big.
Not that I'm into that sorta thing.
But I can't wait to meet the warrior who is.
I can.
We gotta get to the bottom of this.
I mean, as long as you don't feel like I'm telling you what to do or anything.
Master Po.
Okay, so Jing's still down with calling me Master. Anyone else?
No. Behind you.
[GROWLING]
[GRUNTING]
There's too many of them. What do we do?
Run!
We should be safe for the moment.
It's a Terra Cotta Warrior
like the ones in the Emperor's tomb.
Don't tell me we're on an ancient burial ground.
If zombies start rising out of the ground, I am gonna freak.
It's not a tomb. Just some kind of storage area.
Whoa. Check it out.
JING: Why's it glowing?
Just looking at it gives me the willies.
You sure this isn't an ancient burial ground?
If there's one thing I can say with complete confidence, Fan Tong
it's that there are no zombies here.
Phew. Well, that's a relief.
[SCREAMING]