[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
So, this is happening.
Yeah, and it is not good.
So not good.
[GROWLS]
Master Po, why do you look so calm?
My plan has clearly failed.
Nu Hai, your plan was great.
You were just lacking one thing.
Success? No.
Experience!
[WHISTLES]
[ALL GASP]
Look at that guy with the bandana.
[GRUNTS] He's gorgeous.
He's you, Bao.
Sun Wukong?
Exactly.
Arrest them. Now!
[EXCLAIMS]
[GRUNTS]
I don't know how they're doing this and I don't care.
Ladies, on me.
[GRUNTS]
We need to help our son.
Agreed. You should do something.
[SIGHS] Where's Grandma?
Just taking a quick nap to regain my strength.
Or I died temporarily.
So, we gettin' it on again? Good.
[GRUNTS]
[EFFORT GRUNTS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[BOTH GRUNT]
Thanks, Bao. No problem, Bao.
We should hang out when this is done.
Read my mind, brother.
BOTH: Pound it!
This can't happen. I'm so close.
Out of my way, Princess.
I'm not a princess anymore.
Okay, I am, but not in the condescending way you mean.
[GRUNTS]
You were my sister. My friend.
How could you betray the family that took you in?
Daddy loved you.
Perhaps once.
But that ended when you were born.
Still, he was kind to me.
It made poisoning him difficult, but necessary.
You killed him?
Oops. Did I say that out loud?
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTS]
You'll always be a pathetic little girl
unworthy to sit on my throne.
Xiao!
Fan Tong, where are you going?
To save Xiao. You of all people should know this, Fan Tong.
Bao, move. Shi Long has Xiao.
I know. I'm coming with you.
You are? Look, dude,
I admit that I don't get what she sees in you, like, at all,
but you're the closest thing I have to a brother,
and if something happened to you...
Ugh! I'm just coming, okay? Don't make it weird.
And stop smiling. We're probably both gonna die anyways.
[GRUNTING]
[EXCLAIMS, GRUNTS]
[PANTING]
Uh, real Master Po, problem.
[BOTH GASP]
Uh-oh.
Splitting yourself in five ways can really take it out of ya.
[PANTING] Just need a little breather.
Be right back.
Boy, I hate that monkey sometimes.
Yeah, he's the worst, right?
On the bright side, he's not throwing his poo.
[GROWLS] BOTH: Hmm?
Take them!
[GASPS]
Master Po, Jing, time to go.
[GRUNTING]
Mei Mei, punch it!
Like that?
No! Get us out of here!
Keep in mind, I have brain damage.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
[GRUNTING]
Mei Mei, Mei Mei, Mei Mei. What are you doing? Pull up! Pull up!
[PO SCREAMS]
[GRUNTING]
[EXCLAIMS]
[GRUNTING]
FYI, what you're doing, it's gonna be a hard one to get past,
even for someone with a ridiculously generous heart like me.
I'll live.
What did I do that was so bad?
You were born. And nice, and kind, and beautiful.
Everything I wasn't.
Oh, Shi Long, you could be beautiful
in the right light,
or darkness.
You took my whole world, Xiao.
I want it back.
I know your secret. Secret?
What did Nu Hai tell you?
Is it about the bald patch on my head?
'Cause it's totally normal and not the reason I wear a bandana to cover it up.
Yeah, that's not it.
And I actually think you'd look good bald.
No, your secret is you're a nice guy, Bao.
Dude, why would you say that?
Take it back. Now.
[GRUNTS] Where are you taking me?
A day spa.
Really? No.
BAO: Let her go, skizard!
That's "scumbag" and "lizard" combined.
Pretty clever word play I'd say.
Oh, Fan Tong. You came to rescue me.
Come any closer and I snap your girlfriend in half.
Oh, we're not actually boyfriend and girlfriend. [CHUCKLES]
Unless Fan Tong said something.
Fan Tong, did you say something?
Stop talking.
Don't follow us or you know what will happen.
[DOOR LOCKING]
What do you think she meant by, "You know what will happen?"
Seriously, dude? Ugh!
Come on, let's find another way in.
XIAO: Listen, Shi Long. Give up now
and I promise limited public floggings.
I'm not into grudges. Ow!
What is that?
SHI LONG: That is the future of my power,
and the end of your empire.
[GRUNTING]
[PO SCREAMING]
Po, my beautiful boy, are you all right?
About as all right as I can be,
while holding onto a rope dangling from a dirigible
being driven by a mentally impaired lounge singer!
I am not a lounge singer,
I am a chanteuse.
[SCREAMS]
[ALL SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS]
Oh, looks like Mei Mei's dead.
We should bail.
When you're right, you're right.
Hopefully not about Mei Mei.
Jump!
[SCREAMS]
[GROWLING]
That's right, bozos. Come closer, so I can pot a plant in your heads.
What's the call, boss?
Well, let's see.
Injured citizens need healing,
Terra Cotta Warriors need pounding.
Where are we going to find someone who could do both?
I think I know someone.
[EFFORT GRUNTS]
[ALL GASP]
[EXCLAIMS]
[ALL GASP]
Let me out!
Shi Long!
SHI LONG: Will you shut up?
Now you stay right there, Princess.
I'd hate for you to miss the show.
Forget about her, what about us?
A powerful villainess like you
is gonna need minions like me and my gang.
Don't just stand there, you dum-dums,
show her what we can do.
That's our cue.
This would look better with the right lighting, huh?
And our high heels.
I'm so alone.
Wait, I know you.
If that's a come-on, sister, forget it.
Love ain't got no place in my world unless it means survival.
I can only respond to that with "Ew!"
Ew!
No. You were with the Dragon Master and the Constellations,
weren't you?
How do you know they weren't with me?
Oh, um, okay, whatever.
You can help me escape.
Oh, did you need to escape?
And here I thought you were the maid,
come to fluff my pillow
and give me a tasty mint to suckle!
Keep it down over there!
The Wellspring is in the jade as you desired.
Powerful enough to pull you back into this world
to rule by my side.
Rise, and claim the body I have made for you.
[GROWLING]
[SOFT WHOOSHING]
[EXCLAIMS]
[SNARLING]
[LOUD RUMBLING] Hmm?
Master Po? [SCREAMS]
Whoa!
What's happening?
[THUDDING]
[GASPS] Oh, no.
[RUMBLING CONTINUES]
[ALL GASP]
[LAUGHING DIABOLICALLY]
Free.
I am free!
Ah, come on. Not fair.
[PANTING] Son, what do we do?
Master Po, Fang and the guards are getting away.
Forget about them! Dads, get the civilians to safety. Go!
Sis! Up here!
I am Bai Gu Jing.
The White Bone Demon.
Your rebellion is over.
The only choice now is how you will leave this world.
With honor, or on your knees.
I'll give you a moment to choose.
At least she's giving us a choice. That's thoughtful.
Hmm...
[GRUNTS]
Where ya goin', monkey?
Please, let me go. I'm no good to you.
Look at her head.
She has your crown.
Which means, if she knows I'm here...
She can use you against us.
Bingo. See ya!
Hold on there, barrel of fun. Where's Shi Long?
We lost her down in the catacomb.
She took Xiao and put her in that cage on the demon.
We need to rescue Xiao.
Shi Long resurrected this creature.
Perhaps she could send her back.
Shi Long is just a pawn.
I have experience being a pawn.
Perhaps I can change her mind.
You're coming with me.
BOTH: We need to get that crown.
Whoa!
We're totally thinking the same plans now.
Mind meld high-five. [EXCLAIMS]
You guys are creeping me out.
Time's up. What is your decision?
Well...
We will never surrender!
I'm coming Xiao!
[SCREAMS]
Don't worry, I'll watch over him. Kinda my thing lately.
I guess you have our answer, then.
[LAUGHS] Wonderful news.
Water Deer! Help my brother and Fan Tong!
We'll concentrate on the crown.
Hey!
[ROARS]
[GROWLING]
[YELLING]
[GRUNTING]
[GROANS]
[LAUGHING]
Any ideas how we're gonna get a giant crown
off the head of an iron demon?
I might have one idea.
Where are we going? Asking for my pelvis.
Since when are we baby sitters?
They need our help.
Do you both have no sense of civic duty?
No empathy for those in need?
I don't understand the question.
Where were they when cart was dying?
[CRASHING] [BOTH GASP]
[GASPS]
[WHIMPERS] We can't stay out in the open.
What about the catacombs?
Great idea.
Start digging. I'll wait.
I know where there's an entrance.
[GRUNTING]
[WHITE BONE DEMON LAUGHING]
Everyone, start making your way down.
We'll be safe there until the Dragon Master,
my son, finishes defeating the White Bone Demon.
Who's gonna carry me? I'm old.
Ping, you and I should stay up on top until everyone is safe.
Ping?
[THUDDING] Ping!
[GROWLS]
[ALL SCREAMING]
[EXCLAIMS]
[GRUNTING]
Wow, Bao, helping me again?
Sure seems like something a nice guy would do.
Dude, would you cut it with that?
We need to find a way to take this rusty witch down
before we run outta chi.
Wait.
Hear that.
When you hit her? I think she's hollow.
We have to do something to get ourselves out of here!
[SCREAMS]
She's right.
Wrong!
XIAO: I beg your pardon.
Beg all you want. It won't help.
Our survival depends on one thing
and one thing only.
My superior brain.
Everyone, huddle. Now listen up.
Sooner or later, this she-demon has to sleep.
All we have to do is wait for her to shut her eyes.
WHITE BONE DEMON: What if she doesn't sleep?
Oh, ridiculous. Everyone has to...
Whoa! Spank me cross-eyed!
[ROARING]
Xiao was right, the Emperor had a huge head.
Perhaps it doesn't fit because it wasn't meant for you.
Ah, Xiao's little warrior friend.
And look, you brought a pet.
Pet? Ow.
Sun Wukong.
Displeasure to meet you.
Sun Wukong?
The trickster who imprisoned the White Bone Demon?
Yes. And you let her out,
after you helped her steal my Red Jade and my crown.
You realize she's playing you for a fool, hmm?
Take it from a fool who knows, you can't control her.
We have an agreement.
Her release in return for her service to me.
[SCOFFS] Evil serves no one but itself.
I'd ask you to surrender but I already know the answer.
[GENERAL FANG GROANS]
The one with the bad teeth is mine. [CHUCKLES]
[GRUNTS]
Ping? Ping, where are you?
Ping?
Ping, what are you doing? We have to get to safety.
Look at them, Li.
Like angels from heaven.
Cart called to me, Li.
He's been reincarnated.
I just have to figure out which one he is.
Cart! I'm coming!
Ping, no. We're not safe out here.
[LAUGHING]
[SCREAMS]
All right, you three, time for some hard truth.
You're going to die and I can't save you.
FAN TONG: No one's going to die.
Fan Tong?
That's me.
Sorry it took us so long. This iron is really strong.
Move it, Fan Tong, I'm tired of staring at your butt.
Hey there, Empress. It's, uh, me, Bao.
Yeah, we've met. You read my book?
Oh, right, hi.
[WHISPERS] I don't remember.
You fools. You're going to get us all killed.
Or at least them.
No. The Demon's body is hollow.
We can escape through her thigh.
That is madness!
I'm in.
[FAN TONG GRUNTING]
Shh! Dude, keep it down, she'll hear.
WHITE BONE DEMON: Too late.
[GROWLING]
[GRUNTS]
Fan Tong!
You're kinda cute.
Uh, thanks? [GROANS]
Wonder what you look like on the inside when you pop.
[SCREAMING]
Don't worry, I've got you. [GASPS]
[GROWLING]
Let's get the crown and end this.
I'm on it.
[GRUNTS]
Whoo-hoo!
[GRUNTING CONTINUES]
[GASPS, STAMMERS]
[SCREAMS]
[SUN WUKONG SCREAMS] [GROANS]
You really could have done that without me.
True. But it wouldn't have been as fun.
Now, Shi Long, it's your turn. Huh?
Where is she?
[SHI LONG PANTING]
Jing, get us closer!
Trying but Mei Mei is making it a little difficult!
[SCREAMS]
[GROWLING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
Dude, the chain is breaking.
We're never gonna make it to the thigh.
Maybe not you,
but my bones are hollow.
Light as air.
Huh?
I've put on weight recently.
[ALL SCREAM]
[GROWLING]
[BOTH EXCLAIM]
[GROWLS]
No!
Abandon ship!
[ALL SCREAMING]
[GROWLS]
Here I come!
I couldn't decide which cart was Cart reincarnated,
so I brought them all.
We can't take all of the... [GASPS]
Ping, watch out!
[GASPS]
[GROANS]
Ping!
[BAO GRUNTING]
I did it! We're alive!
Alive!
Oh, Bao, thank you.
You saved us.
Well, of course, I...
I mean, I was just looking out for my friend.
Told you you were nice.
Oh, dude, you got slobber on my dimple.
Bao! Fan Tong!
[GROANS]
Did we win?
Is it time for my curtain call?
Know what, Mei Mei, I think we did.
[GROANS]
SHI LONG: No!
Get up! I risked everything to give you life.
You promised I would be Empress.
You promised me China!
We had a deal. We had a deal!
[WHIRRING]
Huh?
SHI LONG: We were to rule together.
That's what you said.
That's what you promised me.
[GASPS]
[HUMMING SOFTLY]
[SHI LONG SCREAMS]
No!
Deal's off.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]