So, Mr. Rajjo.
You have won this round of 'Fastest Finger First'.
Now we’ll play KBC.
K’mmon Belch you Cunt!
Quick answers and no lifelines, ok?
And your first question is…
is this one.
Where is Monica?
Option A.
The heat has melted her.
Option B. The ground has swallowed her.
Option C.
An alien has abducted her.
Or you’ve murdered her.
Right?
Sir, I want to go home.
Wrong answer.
You’ve run out of lifelines now.
-Khandekar. -Yes?
I have to go.
I don’t think it’s anything serious.
-Yes. -Lock him up.
Once he spends a day inside.
If he’s hiding something, he’ll vomit it out of fear.
-Khandekar? -Yes, sir.
Which cell are you going to put him in?
You don’t understand sir, I’m innocent.
Sir, we’ll have to keep him locked up till Monday.
-Why? -Long weekend!
-I see. -Sir...
Who’s in Cell #1?
One is a serial killer, and the other two are attempts to kill.
Sir...
And in Cell #2? Just that crazy Abdul right?
Yes, we can put him in Cell #2.
But I only hope,
that crazy Abdul does not get frisky with him at night.
Yeah.
Khandekar…
let’s put a lock on him.
-This is a misunderstanding sir! -Come with me.
Come dear struggler,
the real struggle begins now.
-Come on let's go. -No, you're right. Keep me here sir.
I have been struggling, but you're just not listening to me.
Just because you’re a cop,
you’re behaving arbitrarily!
Don’t lock me up!
You want to play KBC?
Give me the option of Phone-a-Friend because I need to talk to my lawyer!
Listen to me sir! I am innocent!
Where are you going?
Sir!
Damn it.
Sir?
Rajjo! Your father has left us…
What will I do now? It’s all over son!
No, please keep lying down.
At least my dead body should get to rest.
I’ll even give you an increment next month.
You’ve all turned this house into a bad stage play!
Ok, that’s all for today.
Tomorrow I’ll teach you how to cry without glycerin.
-Yes, teach me that please! -Ok, good.
If you’d been this strict with your son,
he would not have been so wayward.
Say whatever you want about my cooking,
but nothing about the apple of my eye.
We’re suffering cause of not saying anything to him.
-He’s not home yet? -He’ll come, relax!
Asking me to relax...
You won?
I knew it, I’ve made your favourite dish!
Come sit.
More?
Why can’t you talk properly?
How will he? He’s in character now.
Right, Rajjo?
Of course, carry on!
Keep feeding him.
Monkey, Draupadi...
A tree?
These are the only roles your drama company gives you.
Can’t they give you a legit one?
He’s a versatile actor.
See, he’s received an award again today!
Great job there...
-Do you want some hot chapatti? -Yes.
Rajjo wants to go to Mumbai.
But he can sleep on the streets in this city too.
Before marriage, you dreamt of Mumbai too.
Dreamt of acting in movies. What happened?
Marriage!
You’re in character, right?
Stay there!
Or else, I’ll throw you out and you’ll be chased by wild dogs!
Turn around…
One more time…
Yes, now turn.
Keep going.
He wants to be a lead actor.
Hey.
Look at his face!
Nose resembles a peg!
People will only put up your poster to hang their underwear on it!
And he has the gait of a girl.
You know I am right!
Yesterday, I asked him to lift a flour sack and he sprained his back!
Sweetheart, leading ladies are very tall,
when you stand next to them,
you’ll look like nothing but their driver!
Aamir Khan is just 5 feet tall.
-5 feet 5 inches. -Yes.
Amir Khan’s uncle was a director.
And your uncle? A leather cobbler.
So stop grilling me about going to Bombay.
Oh Lord!
Save me!
Only your mother can save you!
Drama queen.
He wants to be a poor man’s Aamir!
Churan’s also in Mumbai.
In three years, he’s become a top make-up artist in Mumbai.
Bought himself a house, a car… everything he needs.
He got lucky!
Because whenever he tried his hand at make-up here,
all he managed was a mess.
Remember that bridal make-up gig he did?
The horse ran for its life, with the groom on it!
Yeah? Not like the commoners get international fashion anyway!
Shahrukh Khan, Salman Khan,
Churan has posted photos with all these celebs on Facebook.
Now if a person like Churan can achieve so much,
then why not Rajjo? He anyway got better marks.
Yes of course! Churan used to fail by 7 marks
and him by 3.
Wants to be a lead! Move aside!
It all looks easy sitting here.
After you go there, you’ll feel like an overturned cockroach
wiggling your legs, but being unable to move.
I’ll get herbs for the chutney.
You’ll go to Bombay and fulfil your dreams for sure. I’ll see to it.
Ok?
Come.
Now you guys won’t even let me go shit?
Fine, I’ll give you 6 months.
Wait a minute!
But not a day more.
If you become an actor that's great.
Or else, quietly come back to printing.
Done.
Done!
And please manage to land some decent roles there at least!
Of course, I’m going there to become a lead!
I told you the cheese was spoilt, move aside!
Hurry up!
You’ve become a star Rajjo! A star!
Wait a second…
-Call me every day, ok? -I will.
Give this to Churan tell him I’ve sent my regards.
-I will. -Son?
Enough already, the curd is over too. Come!
- Ok, I’m leaving, you take care. -Come back as a Superstar.
I will, and you call me if he troubles you.
Here take this.
Now what’s this?
A Calendar,
I’ve marked the date of return.
Hang it on your wall as soon as you reach.
And one more thing.
Here.
Take this as well.
There are only 4 zeros on it, but I want 7 back!
Let’s go now, we’re getting late.
Where are you going?
-All set? -Yes, let's go.
Take care! Don’t drink tap water during the train journey.
Make sure he is safe!
Lately, I consume only black tea.
Too much work, too much stress.
We should also take care of our health.
And another thing.
Do you know
where I learnt this health tip?
Do you?
The person who gave me this tip was
Hrithik! Here.
Once, when we were drinking in Farhan’s vanity together,
that’s when he shared it.
And where did he learn of it?
From Rakesh sir, his father.
But guess who in the industry first got everybody hooked to this?
Jeetendra sir!
That’s why, even today, he’s the Jumping Jack!
Churan Brother, it’s been three months.
My buffaloes are asking me will you feed us, or should we go to Churan?
Listen to me Brother and give me the money.
Look, your slippers are outside. Don’t say you’re not home.
Hey, I’m busy right now. Let’s talk tomorrow.
But sir, try and understand my problems too!
I have to go speak to every house in the neighbourhood,
but you are special.
-Just give me the money. -Keep your money, this is…
I said come day after, but you’ve landed up today!
My buffaloes told me, Churan has cash!
Did they? Then please shove this up their ass!
-Ok! -Well, see you then.
I am saving electricity.
If we don’t save the planet, then who will?
Pollution is increasing everyday…
What about your work?
I am a make-up artist. I haven’t lied about everything.
It’s just that I do it at a dance bar...
for women.
Hey!
-Hey, listen to me. -Let me go, let me go!
I’m in talks with a Producer,
I even have a friend who’s a director Sandy.
I’ve figured it all out. Put it down.
I’m not kidding.
Do you have beer?
Yes, I do!
Dad’s going to have a hearty laugh at my expense.
The person I fought with him for, has made an ass out of me!
And my mother?
She’ll be glued to the TV,
waiting for her son’s face to pop up any minute!
What’s so funny man?
The thing is...
Your dad...
at his shop...
has put up a photo of Shahrukh and Salman on either side,
and a photo of you bang in the center!
And...
on Saturdays, he runs a ‘Buy One Get One’ promo.
With a haircut you get a free shave!
You father and son make a strange pair.
Father chops off everyone else’s...
but the son is chopping his father’s off!
Shit happens man!
Now I’m here.
Careful.
Mr. Churan!
Today you’ve provided me
with a two-foot bed
and a roof worth two pennies.
Tomorrow I’ll pay you back
by building you a Bungalow with two rooms!
Big and spacious rooms.
And the bathroom?
Big enough to sprint during a shower.
Sure, and...
we’ll sprint while shitting too!
It’s not that easy buddy.
Balls shrink to the size of raisins in your palm.
Back in Allahabad, you could just pluck a mango and eat it.
But here a mango costs you Rs.100 a glass.
Rs.100 a glass!
Hey!
You don’t know your brother.
Is that so?
If I get down to it,
I can digest the seed along with the mango!
Understand?
Varun Dhawan?
I am next.
Epic!
Here comes one more Shahrukh!
These are the hands of a labourer.
Hi, my name is Rajveer.
Yes, that's enough.
Hey!
Hey! It’s tough in the beginning.
Let’s go drink, don’t sulk.
He is feeling down by himself.
I am telling you, it will all work out.
Let me know if there is anything. I need some money.
Just stop here.
Brother, which way to Next Screen Productions?
Behind me? Thank you.
Here comes another superstar!
Hi, name: Rajveer.
Age: 24.
Height:5.9’. Language: English, Hindi.
Hey, hey!
Hey, you smooth little jasmine.
-How did you end up here? -Sorry sir?
How did you get in?
I was told outside that they’re auditioning for somebody called HK so…
Not just any HK.
This HK.
Harkishan Khurana’s biggest film, got it?
But we’re only auditioning girls,
not boys.
Casting for lead female dancers, got it?
Now do you have any boobs?
-Are you looking for dancers or boobs? -Shut up fucker!
Respectfully get out or else I’ll beat the shit out of you. Get lost now!
-You don’t need to abuse sir! -Get out!
Don’t teach me what to do! Sandy what’s happening man?
How the hell do these people get in?
Get him out and start the music.
Next!
Showing me the finger you bastard, get out!
Out! Get out!
You seem to be finding it very funny,
you can also leave.
You bloody retard,
he’s a simple guy and didn’t say much to you.
If it was me, I would’ve slapped you.
-Get out! -Screw you.
What’s happening here for fuck’s sake?
People are insulting me in my own office?
Rajveer wait up!
Rajveer.
You’re sure you are 5.9’?
You sure don’t look it!
No point getting heated up,
your talent will melt away!
-What do you want? -A selfie!
Really! You taught Khurana such a lesson, I’m a fan.
Look, my day is anyway fucked now don’t fuck my head.
I’ve come to make your day better my hero!
How? By giving me a role.
Role?
I don’t have a role, but will this do?
A cup of tea please.
For me too, please!
Hello?
Greetings mom!
Yes, I’ve eaten.
I am signing a contract.
That's right.
I swear! I swear...
Role? I’ll only play the lead, right?
Yes, it’s good money. I’m the lead so there’s money…
Yes, shooting starts next month.
Ok mom, I need to go. The producer is calling, bye.
Ok, ok, bye.
I know you were listening.
I’m a bad actor, right?
You caught me.
Really bad!
You asked, so I told you truthfully.
Truthful? I heard you being truthful to your mother.
Who lies to their mother? Told the truth...
So, you never lie to your mom?
You’re lucky you have a mother.
Why do you lie?
Just be honest with her.
Do you have the green one?
Green?
It's finished.
Such fucked up luck!
Shit! I’m late for work.
-Work? -Yes.
At this time?
Yes, at this time.
Drunkards are on fire post sunset…
Hey! Don’t overthink!
I only dance at a bar. It’s my job.
No one’s handing out pocket money to me, I’ve got to work for it.
Got it?
But you freaked out.
-You freaked out, right? -No, I didn't.
Only my language is a bit risqué, I’m perfect otherwise.
Phone!
Who’ll feed in the password?
-I’ll do it. -Go ahead.
So...
I’ve fed in my number.
I’m on WhatsApp, Facebook, Insta.
But I don’t reply to messages, just FYI.
See you.
Not like I was going to message anyway.
Meanie!
I’d ordered for tea; it’s not ready yet?
What is this?
Sir, this must have come along with Churan’s things by mistake.
And I’m trying to explain to you since yesterday
I saw Monica leave in an auto!
Repeat! Repeat!
Flip your cassette over!
Hey come on Abdul, move.
It’s still unavailable, sir.
Get up!
How?
It’s been 12 hours.
-No contact? -That's right.
Come on!
Move.
How’s your cell so decluttered?
Have you deleted history?
Sir it used to hang so…
Will you get up or do you want me to hit you?
Here!
Now it’s dead too.
-He won't get up! Abdul! -Dead.
Hey! Move!
Get up.
He isn't moving sir.
Hey! Abdul!
Get up! Get up!
Get up.
Get up! Hey!
Do you want to get beat up?
You crazy man, get up.
Get up.
Abdul!
Hey.
Come on, move.
Move it!
Keep walking.
Get in there.
Everybody has a weakness.
You, as well.
Churan and that girl.
But why would they kill Monica?
No sir, they haven’t killed her, they’re innocent.
The dog in my building is also innocent.
But he’s loyal first.
He’ll attack anyone to save me.
Let’s try again.
Where is Monica?
-Look at this stuff? -My niece wears stuff like this.
This is epic!
-Come let’s go. -Sure.
Look here.
Tell me the truth.
Where’s my Monica?
What did your friend do to her?
Brother, he’s only
500 gms of soft cheese, how can he harm 500 kg of mutton?
You Son of a Monkey!
If you’re lying,
I’ll stuff a bouquet up your ass
and turn it into a flowerpot.
That too without dethorning it. Understood?
My Monica’s missing.
I want Monica. Where is she?
You idiot Shiva, I don’t want a Bidi, hand me my phone!
Bashir’s calling…
Third time since this morning. What do I tell him?
That your horse ran away even before the race began?
Brother do you remember Sandy?
Tell me his color and breed, then I may recall.
He is a dog, but Khurana’s!
He’d come to sign up Monica.
Motherfucker!
Bloody Lizard! Yes, he came here.
And I gave him a solid slap.
On one cheek.
And I told him that Monica is not for sale.
But that day you only got a part of the Lizard’s tail.
Later, he came to me with your finger’s imprint on his cheek.
I understood what happened.
He said - Look Churan,
Khurana wants Monica
at any cost.
And anyway, for how long will Mangu hide her from the world?
She belongs in the big leagues.
Khurana’s promised that…
If you can get this girl Monica to sign,
I’ll let you direct this big film.
Go ahead and do it.
So, you’re going to make a film?
No! Not me…
Sandy.
I warned Monica about these dogs.
But she said, “Don’t you worry,
I’ve kept many such losers, hanging from my petticoat’s drawstring.”
See! She’s from a good home.
Yes, and I thought it’s all sorted.
But last night...
I got a message from Monica.
-A message from Monica? -Read it.
Bloody Khurana.
Put his hand up my underwear.
Call urgent!
You put your hand up her underwear?
Greetings Mangu Brother.
Please sit.
Sorry I didn’t see you come in, please sit.
Take a seat.
Please sit down.
First tell me, should I call for tea or a cold Mangola?
Call for whatever.
But decide very carefully.
Yes, Sandy?
Get any drink which does not come in a glass bottle.
Mangu Brother.
Brother, please believe me.
You know all about this business.
Everyday there’s a Youtoo, Metoo, Wetoo, Fucktoo.
I swear.
I swear if I knew earlier
-that Monica’s your mistress…. -Hey!
Shut up! Respect! Don’t call her a Mistress.
She’s from a good home.
I told you.
Monica’s not for sale.
-Yes. -Then why is she your lead?
I’m not at fault here, brother.
Dholakia insisted.
That he’ll only green light the project with Monica as lead.
What else could I do?
-Now all he can launch is… -Look Khurana…
Yes.
If anything happens to Monica,
I’ll launch you…
Mangu Brother.
Directly into heaven.
How will...
That's...
Mangu Brother.
Listen carefully brother.
The real film
is being made by Churan and Chandani, along with Rajveer.
One is a friend and the other, his thing.
Thing?
Lover.
Mangu Brother.
She was with him last night.
Monica…
Monica ma’am.
I swear to God, I am not lying.
I swear on my mother.
If...
you’re lying
Khurana.
Then the next time I won’t be sitting here just talking.
Bloody fool.
God help me!
Lingapalli, do you want me to
break the promise I gave my sister
and go back to being my old self?
Relax brother!
If we’re not able to get through to Monica’s cell by tomorrow,
then I’ll take some measures.
No! Take them today!
I give you full freedom.
Pick up anybody from my bar.
But get me results.
Ok let me see.
I need to go now; I’ve got the commissioner on the other line.
Ever since we were kids, he’s taken advantage of me.
We’re from the same village…
Anyway.
Tell me,
is the fall and the border of a saree the same thing?
They’re different.
Why couldn’t they be the same!
Whatever happens, don’t open your mouth about Monica.
Lingapalli will leave you,
but Mangu will kill you!
Imagine if people find out that Mangu had a boy dancing at his bar.
That we’ve made an ass of him… What then?
You said your uncle’s a lawyer.
Get me out on bail man!
He retired man!
Ok, you take care,
I’ll be back.
You’re leaving?
Yes, I am leaving.
Bloody fucker….
For sure! I’ll give it to you by next week.
You’ll pay me for the stuff alright,
but what about the money you lost while gambling?
Such an odd question.
That too Ikka Seth. Next week.
Full and final payment.
And if you don’t, I’ll get you picked up by your tiny dick.
You hear me Churan?
Dad was right.
I feel like an overturned cockroach.
I’m thinking of going back.
Balls have shrunk to raisins?
What now?
What are you going to tell your mom?
She’s the one I feel bad for.
She had such big dreams for me.
They’re sweet!
How much did you pay for them?
He said Rs. 40.
I said I’ll get you a role in a film. And he agreed to Rs. 30.
Give me one too?
Here take!
Enjoy!
I haven’t even managed to get a job.
I could’ve stayed in Mumbai for two years at least.
I don’t want to go back and print calendars!
Rakhi slipped on the money being showered on her.
And fractured her leg.
Do you want to replace her?
Tell me?
Stop joking, I’m being serious.
So am I.
Churan?
Are you asleep?
How will staying awake change my destiny?
You should sleep too.
I’m seriously leaving tomorrow.
Ok.
Shut the door on your way out.
Then you can go wherever you like.
Sleep then!
Sleep.
Epic!
Giving up?
You call yourself my son?
Turns out that the cockroach is better than you.
He died, but did not give up.
Son, now I’ll see you on the TV
or never!
Child,
whatever you seek in the world outside,
resides within you.
Churan!
I thought, I’m the only one with the bad ideas.
You actually look like my aunt!
Churan, here is your milk.
Mr. Dubey?
Milk