Meerut.
Tell me, Nand from Meerut.
What's so special about that place?
Dude, I myself am special.
Really?
Have you done anything special in Meerut?
No, I haven't.
But something special happened to me over there.
Care to know what happened in Meerut?
This story is about Meerut and me.
So, let me begin the story from my house.
Mother of Nand...
...your superstition has no limits.
Doing this every morning...
...has not prevented any untoward events from happening.
We live in a dangerous city.
You sell lingerie for a living.
What if a school girl or a college-going bombshell...
...or any other lady bewitch you with her beauty?
We've been married for 17 years now.
If I could have been bewitched, I would have by now.
You've no idea what sort of a city this is.
It's Meerut.
Meerut.
Like every other small city...
...Meerut too, is very laid-back.
Guruji, greetings.
How was your journey?
Son, may you live long.
Guruji, did you find a solution?
Did I find a solution?
Of course I did!
I picked a black crow from a burial ground...
...and rubbed the hair from a black dog's tail on its beak...
...to prepare this powder.
Take it.
Mix this in a cold drink and offer it to the woman of your choice.
Then within three days...
...that woman will...
...completely surrender herself to you.
Guruji, I feel blessed!
But the men from Meerut...
...get a kick out of only one thing.
Scoundrels!
The Delhi intercity train isn't a girl from your class...
That you can ride on whenever you want
Hold on, sir.
This is my ear, not your wife's skirt...
...that you can tug it whenever you want
You...
Their minds and eyes can be distracted by only one thing.
And only one thing can blow their minds away.
Now that thing had arrived in Meerut.
the women of Meerut are cursed...
...that their house will be ruined by another woman.
- You shouldn't have done that. - Shut up.
When Vipul said "I love you" to you...
- ...you ran off! - Yes, but Nand is a good boy.
Tell me, why would someone wear a designer panty...
...if they didn't intend to show it?
I swear, my pen was on the floor.
When I went under the table to pick it up...
...I spotted it.
- And then? - Then what?
After taking a good look at Mickey, I got up...
...only to find her staring at me.
I was too shy to look at her.
We don't get to see that every day!
But Priyanka saw the whole thing...
...and she ran to the Principal to complain.
I told the Principal that Nand has crossed the line.
Priyanka, you're so mean.
He took admission in our school for your sake.
Nonsense!
He was in an all-boys school before.
Since he was desperate for girls, he joined ours.
I'm sure he must have hit on a thousand girls before me.
You don't have a girlfriend, Nand
I don't believe that.
Your dad owns a lingerie shop.
A lot of beautiful, young girls must be visiting it every day.
Yes, but that doesn't mean...
...I get to take their measurements.
Forget it. Priyanka is like your sister, right?
Yes, she was.
To get close to her friend, Rupali...
...I let her tie rakhi on my wrist, three years in a row.
And also gifted her a "Dear Sister" card.
That too bought from Archies.
But Rupali fell for a 12th grade student...
...and I got stuck as Priyanka's brother
Stop laughing!
Look at him, must be bragging about the skirt episode.
What's so funny?
All the love stories at high school...
...begins by tying a rakhi, followed by a fight, and then...
I know he's a pervert.
Vipul, mark my words.
If I fail to have sex before I complete my 12th grade...
...I'll stay a virgin forever.
If you fail to do it...
...get "Loser" tattooed on your forehead
When you can't help me get laid...
...at least stop f*****g with me. Get lost!
Let's go from here.
'Okay.'
Hey, why did you do that for?
Nand, is it true?
Of course not, I didn't peep into her skirt deliberately.
I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about the fact that you want to do it.
Do you really want to get laid?
Yes, I'm quite serious about it...
...but I've run out of ideas and hope.
- What if I help you out? - Ask me anything you want.
- One thousand rupees. - What!
Don't take it so seriously.
I can do it for 100 rupees in Delhi.
What if you contract a disease or something?
I'll pay you Rs. 300. Arrange for it.
You will be in heaven!
If you turn right after the old market...
...you'll find a house.
A woman lives there.
She's extremely gorgeous.
But I've heard that she doesn't speak much.
'Hello. Yes.'
Don't you know, I can't answer my phone when I'm working?
She is he!
- I told you not to call me... - 'B*******d!'
Tell me what is it quickly.
H*******e... Ram Khilawan!
Why didn't you tell me that the path to heaven goes through the legs of hell?
I can't wait to see you tomorrow.
I'll teach you a lesson.
Here.
Give it here.
Take it.
Uh-oh, I'm folding my cards.
Well, as you all know, we are done with Navratri.
Now let's plan for Karva Chauth for our husbands.
There is no scope for Karva Chauth in Meerut.
Even Mandodari performed this ritual for her husband King Ravan...
...but he went after Sita.
It was Mandodari's mistake!
She failed to satisfy King Ravan.
Really, Pushpa?
When the husband is a monster...
...how can the wife satisfy him?
Four or five years into the marriage...
...we wives cease to be attractive.
That's why husbands go hunting...
...for a new partner.
What say, Sushma?
You seem lost in thoughts.
Your husband is not sleeping with you or what?
- Sushma! - Coming.
My limbs are cramped because of the daily chores!
Come on, massage my body.
What about you, Sneh?
Does your husband 'massage' you in the morning?
- Dear, get the cold drinks. - 'I'm on my way.'
I have made a cold drink for her.
A special drink!
Keep an eye on your husband.
Now you eat only bland, tasteless food while fasting for your husbands.
Next year, you won't even get to eat that.
What do you advise us to do?
Put some make-up on your face.
Leave one of your blouse buttons open.
You won't die of pneumonia
Go to Pinky Parlour and get a facial, you fools.
If you can't take good care of yourselves...
...some other woman will take your husband...
- Are you crazy? - Listen! Calm down!
Calm down, students.
Ma'am, you can come in now.
As the saying goes...
"The clouds won't shower down..."
"...until the land goes bone dry."
My adolescence was in a similar condition.
But it showered before the famine could hit me.
She's Mrs. Shanu Bansal.
I know how good is your English.
It's quite poor.
Therefore, from now on...
...she will teach you English grammar.
Greet her!
Hello, ma'am.
Ma'am, they are all yours.
Hello, 11-C.
Now you know my name.
But let me introduce myself, properly.
'I'm not like your other teachers.'
One instance of stupidity...
...and you'll fail in this class.
And the most important thing...
As long as we are in school, we'll talk to each other only in...
...English.
Understood?
Are you deaf?
Is that clear?
- Yes, ma'am. - Good.
'Chapter one.'
Though it's not mandatory...
...for a breeze to accompany showers...
...but the rainfall will definitely make you wet.
Why are you staring at her?
You've to talk to her first, in that case.
Unfortunately, she speaks only English.
I don't want her to tie me a rakhi.
I want her to be the mother of my children.
Just wait and watch.
Yes, I was hitting on Shanu Ma'am.
But...
Nand, what brings you here?
I came here casually. How are you doing?
I'm doing great. Shall I make a sweet paan for you?
If you promise that you won't tell my dad...
...I'll buy a cigarette.
Nand...
...no good has ever come out of ratting on people.
Take it.
- Pandit ji. - 'Yes?'
- Who is... - They are new to the city.
'A married couple from Hapur.'
You know the brick factory owner, right?
They are renting his place.
- And what about her... - Her husband?
Her husband is a mobile phone salesman.
He's usually out of town for about three days a week.
Nand, you can't see much from here.
- Pandit ji... - Yes?
Whom should I see, and from where...
Leave that to me.
Hi, I'm the cable guy.
'My name's Pappu Tiwari.'
Here, take my card.
Call me if there's a problem with the connection.
Is it fine now?
- Or should I check? - Yes, please.
And I'm thinking...
"Pappu, take care".
Shanu ma'am will outsmart you with her English.
I managed to get inside the house, but what next?
Oh, she's as cold as ice!
I'll hang up now. I think she's coming.
Well... The connection... should be set up in h-half an hour.
A-And thank you very much...
...for the glass of water.
Ma'am.
Call your mother ma'am, I'm Rasbhari!
I swear on God. I have developed a new weakness.
It pains a lot, over here.
So far, I have slept with around 82 girls.
But the kind of workout this teacher gave me...
...was out of this world!
Pappu bro, I'm not following you.
Are you complaining or bragging...
...or should I be worried for you?
Hey, cut it out.
And listen to this carefully.
Do you know Sirohi's house?
- The one opposite Pandit's shop? - Exactly.
A beautiful, hot woman has moved into that house.
She really made me work my ass off.
Don't ask me, man.
Why? Did she take you for a ride or something?
You're wrong. You're absolutely wrong.
I walked right into her bedroom.
She agreed instantly!
And then I ended up doing what I do best.
Pappu bro, tell me how do I impress her.
Don't forget to smile at her when she looks at you...
...everything will be smooth sailing from there.
Do you understand?
What were you staring at yesterday?
You know it.
So, shall I show it to you myself, today?
What is happening here?
What is happening?
- Ma'am, well... - English.
- Just 'Esehi'. - I said, 'English, please.'
If you cannot talk in English, please leave the class.
What was happening?
Sex.
No.
That will happen now.
Nand, listen.
Nand.
Couldn't you wait for 30 seconds?
You're beating your meat here! We're getting late for the class.
- Damn you. - Don't touch me.
Whoever comes late to the class will be sent out.
Nonsense. Why are you sleeping?
Whose skirt did you peep into this time?
- Why are you not in the classroom? - I had been to the loo.
- Are you done? - Why? You wanted to come along?
Priyanka, I'm sorry.
There's no sense left in you.
I thought you were my Rakhi brother.
But you turned out to be a pervert.
Priyanka, to be honest I did not peek...
...under the table on purpose. My pen actually fell down.
I swear on God.
You made her your sister again by shelling out 15 bucks.
Dude, I'm her friend now.
I'm not going to be anyone's brother anymore.
So, you want to sleep with Priyanka before your 12th grade.
He is the one who pulls the strings.
I'm just here doing his bidding!
Dude, even you know about Shanu ma'am, don't you?
What do you mean? Who else knows about her?
- Well... - Guys, come with me. Right now.
Tomar, what's the matter?
- Ms. Shanu is giving Jitu an earful. - S**********r. Let's go.
How dare!
He misbehaved with me in the staff room.
Shanu ma'am, please keep it low.
It's lunch hour. Children are around...
...please try to understand.
Sir, what do you mean, keep it low?
I'm going to the police and filing a complaint against him.
This is unacceptable.
He doesn't deserve to be a teacher. What will his students learn!
Well, at least tell me what did he do.
Sir, I was checking the test papers in the staff room.
He was staring at me but I ignored him.
And then he walked up to me and said...
Will you tell him...
...or shall I say it and wash my mouth later?
Sir, he said, "I think your blouse is tight, if you don't mind..."
"...I'll take the measurement and get a new one stitched for you."
- Let me take your measurement! - Mr. Jitender, what's all this?
S-Sir, I didn't say any such thing.
What? You didn't say anything?
Sir, I'm going to report this to the police.
Please don't go to the police.
It will cause unnecessary embarrassment...
...to him, to me and to you as well.
You take him to my room and reprimand him.
Look, he's ashamed.
Sir, he said this to me in front of everybody.
S**********r!
No one will dare to mess with Shanu ma'am now.
She defiled Mr. Jitu's face.
I can't believe Mr. Jitu said that to her.
I thought that s**********r is a coward.
Pappu was cooking up stories and Jitu bought it, you know.
It's not that easy, man.
Oh, man.
Where did you shoplift this from?
I stole 200 bucks from my dad's pocket...
...let's drink Haywards 5000 today.
You're a bloody b*****d.
God damn it. Who's calling me now?
- I'm f****d. - What happened?
I have to take mom somewhere. I need to go home now.
No problem. I'll have both the bottles.
Really?
- Go ahead. Drink now. - Hey...
Get out of here. You think I'm not going to drink it?
- Enjoy. - I will. Get lost.
D******k.
Mom, I'm getting late for my tuition.
Don't worry, you will be on time. Let me give your dad his medicine.
He's inside.
What are you doing here?
Hi.
I was just...
Don't you think you're obsessed with female undergarments?
- No, I came here with my mom. - Mom?
You brought your mom with you to shop for this?
No, my mom's not shopping.
She came here to meet my dad.
So your dad is shopping with her for undergarments?
Priyanka, my dad owns this store.
Really?
- Why didn't you tell me before? - Well, you know...
Next time, I want a discount.
Let's go. Hurry up. The Guruji is here for only two days.
Don't make me slap you now.
You don't like taking me around, do you?
- I am late. - I'm leaving.
Five minutes. Just five minutes.
Okay? Come on.
- Am I late, Sushma? - No, not at all.
I have picked a number for you. He will be here any minute now.
Well, I went to give my husband his medicines.
- Well, did you hear about her? - Who?
- Sirohi's new tenant. - What about her?
A married couple have moved into that house.
No surprise there.
Ms. Sirohi always rents it out to a family.
- Hear me out. - Go ahead.
A married couple has moved in...
...and the wife is quite sexy.
So what? What's the big deal?
There are so many sexy women out there.
Have you seen my niece?
She looks just like Katrina that too without make-up.
Stop interrupting me now!
Come on, let her talk.
Go ahead. Tell us what happened.
She's utterly sexy.
All the men in the town are going...
...around her house as if it's a shrine.
Sneh's husband is in the police force...
...and the police station is near to her place.
Do you still think it's not a big deal?
What do you know about her husband?
I heard that her husband... - Long live the Lord...
Hail the sage... - Long live the Lord...
All hail... - The Lord...
Hello. Tell me.
Mom, what should I get?
Six Lachha Parathas
- Four Lachha Parathas... - It's six.
- Go on. - And...
Two Dal Fry.
- One Dal Fry. - No, two.
What are you doing?
Let me talk. I'm on the phone.
Mom, tell me the full list.
The guy here is getting mad at me.
There's an order from Sirohi Villa.
Four Lachha Parathasand one Dal Fry.
Sir, I'll deliver it.
Sir, he had gone yesterday. Today's my turn.
- Sir, let me go. - Sir, I'll go. - Shut up!
Where is this enthusiasm...
..when I ask you guys to do the dishes!
- Yeah. Tell me. - Hey, Manoj.
I'm taking my order home...
...Sirohi Villa is on the way.
I'll deliver it, if you don't mind.
Pack both the orders now.
I was waiting for a chance to see what Shanu ma'am's husband was about.
I didn't know that opportunity would come knocking at my door.
Yes.
Sir, you had placed an order for food, at Do Bhai.
Yes.
Naveen, who's at the door?
Shanu, a delivery boy from the dhaba.
How much is the bill?
Well, it's 320 rupees...
...but I'm not a delivery boy.
- Who are you then? - I'm Shanu ma'am's student.
Listen, it's your student.
- Hi, ma'am. - Hello.
Were you saying something?
Actually, I was going home with my order...
...I thought of dropping off yours as well.
Okay. I think something's missing.
Perhaps, it's in my takeaway.
Why don't you check?
Give me a minute. Darling...
Here's 320 rupees.
- Thanks, sir. - Good night.
Hi, Vipul.
Pappu was making d*******s out of us.
Shanu ma'am and her husband love each other very much.
I just saw it.
I'll see you tomorrow and will explain it in detail.
S**********r!
Aunty, is that you?
Sorry, I shouldn't have said that.
No problem, dear. I have heard that word before.
But, aunty, what are you doing here at this hour?
Stop questioning me and turn around.
- Aunty, I have to go this way. - What did I tell you, dear?
Turn around and go.
On one side Shanu ma'am and her husband's love was brewing.
But women in Meerut...
...were resorting to black magic to ward her off.
Although a lemon looks cute...
...once the juice is swallowed it hits the stomach like acid.
I was under the impression...
...that Shanu ma'am and her husband are in deep love.
But there were rumours spreading in Meerut.
Mr. Sharma who works in Meerut Bank.
Rahul, a B.Tech student and Snehlata aunty's husband.
She has slept with these three men.
What are you talking about?
Ma'am, your account has been opened.
Is there anything else I can do for you?
Mr. Sharma who works in Meerut Bank scored a homerun last night.
- Really? - Yes.
Who told you?
Mr. Sharma himself said this to Bhatia.
Rahul, a B.Tech student takes tuitions from my husband.
I have fixed the mixer, ma'am.
He told me that he went to fix the mixer.
"These pretty eyes of yours"
"Set my heart racing"
"It's black magic"
- And? - What else?
My husband went to pandit's shop. Normally he doesn't smoke...
...but I sent him forcibly to spy. He said...
"The inspector assigned me this job."
Officer, there's no need to take off your uniform.
The uniform turns me on!
Ms. Snehlata was nearby...
...when her husband stepped out of Ms. Shanu's home.
And he was not in the uniform.
Hey, what are you doing here? I went with your lunchbox...
What happened to your uniform?
- They took it. - Who took it?
The laundry guy.
My shirt was stained with tea. He'll return after washing it clean.
Why are you still standing here?
Come on, go. I have to go to the station.
Did she catch him in the act?
Dude, if she had caught him red-handed...
...she would have spread the news in the entire neighbourhood.
And she would have kicked the shit out of her husband.
- Looks are really deceptive. - You're right.
Ma'am...
...you can ask me if you want to know anything about me.
Dude, I don't believe this.
Rumours about Shanu ma'am were in the air...
...and I was getting mind f****d.
[Theme Music Playing]