?Are you ready, kids
:KIDS !Aye, aye, Captain
.I can't hear you
:KIDS !Aye, aye, Captain
♪ !Ooh
♪ Who lives in a pineapple ?under the sea ♪
♪ !Spongebob Squarepants♪
♪ Absorbent and yellow and porous is he ♪
♪ Spongebob !Squarepants♪
♪ If nautical nonsense be something you wish ♪
♪ !Spongebob Squarepants♪
♪ Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish ♪
♪ ?Spongebob Squarepants!♪ready
♪ !Spongebob Squarepants
[hearty laughter ]
[flute playing ]
Captioning sponsored by THE] U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
[and NICKELODEON
[bell ringing ]
:MRS. PUFF .Okay, class, quiet, quiet
Now, get out your pencils and paper
and write down .the assignment
[class groans ]
?Did you hear that
.We get an assignment
Everyone must write an essay on what notto do
.at a stoplight
[all groaning ]
?Did you hear that
What not to do !at a stoplight
!In no less than 800 words
[squeal of delight ]
[all groaning ]
?Did you hear that !?800 words
!Yeah, I know
.Due tomorrow
:And remember, class .work hard and no goofing off
:SPONGEBOB !Okay, Gary, no goofing off
I am about to write the greatest essay
.of all time
,Like most great essays it will be written
.on paper
Even more important ...than the paper is
.the pencil
[bell dings ]
A pencil is sharp or as dull .as I like
,Hmm, funny, as my ideas grow .you shrink
[chuckles ]
Well, I couldn't have asked
for a more beautiful day .to write an essay
[birds chirping ]
.Okay, here we go
What Not To Do" ".At A Stoplight
.Hey, this is easy
".By SpongeBob Squarepants"
.Ha! This essay is pure gold
,And now, pencil get ready to do your stuff
.because herewe go
[ticking ]
...Gee
.this is harder than I thought
[ children laughing ]
!Come on, SpongeBob
It should be against the law to have to write an essay
,on such a super sailorific !sunshiny day
!Oh
,But I must press onward
because with this pencil and the ,completion of this essay
I'll be one step closer !to my driver's license
[ tires squealing ]
.Oh, yeah
.This'll be no problemo
.Why, I got plenty of time .It's only 6:00
[ ticking ]
.Okay... okay, here we go
.Here we go
!Ahh
I know, I just need to get
a little blood pumpin' .in the old noodle
?How about some calisthenics
!Hup-hoo! Hup-hoo !Hup-hoo! Hup-hoo
Ah, I can feel !those juices pumpin' now
[squeak ]
[singsong squeaking ]
[rhythmic squeaking ]
[gurgling laughter ]
!?Hey! What am I doing
!I got to write that paper
[grunting ]
.Come on, pencil, make words
[meow ]
!Gary
Hey, hey, hey
?Gary, how's my favorite mollusk
How about you let ol' SpongeBob
fix you up ?something to eat
[meows ]
,What do you mean ?you're not hungry
[meows ]
I know I have !an essay to write
!Now come on, Gary
[grunts ]
I got to make sure you get your nutrition
so I'm not leaving .until you eat every single bite
[loud chomp, gulp ]
[burps ]
[squishy slithering ]
Gary, a-are you sure you don't want
?some crème brulée
Or-or some chocoflavored ?algae bits
[squishes ]
.Gee, Gary sure made a mess
I can't work on my essay
knowing there's a mess .in the kitchen
[squeaking ]
...Hmm
I might as well clean the rest of the floor
.while I'm at it
[squeaking and whistling ]
:[groaning ] I should get .these hard-to-reach places, too
And these dishes .need to be cleaned
.Can't have dirty garbage
[clinking ]
Well, I think .it's clean enough now
[bell tinkling ]
.Why, that didn't take too long ...It's only
!10:00
!Oh
.No more fooling around
.I got to get back to work
Okay, Mr. Essay, I say
!prepare to be written
[dive-bomber whooshing ]
[loud thud ]
!I'm doing it
!Yeah, yeah! Yeah
...And some of these ...and some of these
...Almost there and
.sizzling]...done ]
[sighs ]
Now let's see .how it looks so far
"...The"
!Break time
.Pacing always helps me think
.Let's see, only 799 words to go
!Think, SpongeBob, think
[snorting ]
[loud ringing ]
:[gasping ] !?W-Who's that ?Wha...? Hello
?Hey, Patrick, what you up to
.Sleeping
.That's really fascinating
?Are you having a good sleep
Any dreams you'd like ?to discuss
...I remember on the
?SpongeBob
You and I both know that you're just using me
as a distraction
so you don't have to write .your essay
[gasping, stammering ]
!That is nottrue
I called to have an engaging .conversation with you
.Well, I'm listening
...Uh... Marco
.Polo
[dial tone ]
,Yeah, well .I got to get going, Patrick
.Got an important essay to write
.Sheesh, what a chatterbox
?Can't he see that I'm busy
[chair squeaks ]
I can't write with all these eraser shavings
.all over my paper
[grunts ]
Now they're floating .around my thinking space
[inhales deeply ]
.So long, pesky particles
[twittering squeaks ]
[grunting ]
[choking ]
[gulps, gasps ]
!I swallowed one
!I'm choking
:[coughing ] !Water
[frantic gulping ]
[gasping ]
.That was a close one
[meows ]
What do you mean
,overly dramatic ?Gary
All that choking .sure made me hungry
[meows ]
I can't write on an .empty stomach, Gary
.I got to have my brain food
...Now, let's see ?white or rye bread
?Or pumpernickel
Gee, I guess it really depends ...on the meat inside
.and the cheese
[doorbell rings ]
?A visitor
!?For me
.Hello
Package for .Mr. Squarepants
!Great
!Thanks
So, uh, you like ?delivering mail
.It puts bread on the table
?Rye or pumpernickel
[obnoxious laughter ]
.Oh, brother
So, do you deliver your own mail
or do you have ?your own mailperson
?But then who delivers hismail
Is there a never-ending chain of mailmen
delivering mail ?to other mailmen
Well, I guess a P.O. box
,could, in theory ...break the chain
Don't you have ?a paper to write
[gulps ]
How did he know I'm supposed ?to be writing an essay
[blipping ]
[slams ]
In other news
local resident SpongeBob Squarepants
only has a few hours left to complete his essay
and yet he continues .to goof off
?When will he learn
[screaming ]
[glass breaking ]
[candle crackles ]
:[male voice ] .Hey, SpongeBob
.Over here
.Come on, take a seat
.Put your feet up and relax
[bell chiming, gasping ]
!Oh, no
!Midnight
[panting heavily ]
[alarms ringing ]
!Must... get... back to desk
[yells ]
!Whew
.That was a close call
[screams ] !My pants
.Yoo-hoo .Down here
!You get up here
!I got to get back to work
!Freedom
!Stop, pants
You get back here ...this instant
!pants
[slams ] [yells ]
[groaning ]
[clattering ]
.Time's... up... SpongeBob
[gasps ]
!Burning
!Only 799 words to go
[sinister laughter ]
!No
[screams ]
!?What have I done
!Help
!Help, my house is on fire
[jabbering ]
[brakes squeal ]
!?SpongeBob, why
Why did you set me ?on fire, SpongeBob
Why didn't you just !?write your essay
!Stop wasting time
[gasps ]
[pops ]
?Where's my essay
.Oh, there you are
[laughing ]
.I must have dozed off
?Let's see, where are we
?Do I dare look at the clock
[creaking ]
[ticking ]
:[gasping ] !It's almost 9:00
!Class starts in five minutes
How am I going to write this whole paper
!?in five minutes
How am I supposed to know ?what not to do at a stoplight
Feeding your snail is something not to do
...at a stoplight
and making a sandwich and-and lighting candles
and drinking water and calling your friends
and karate chopping the TV
and shooting the breeze with the mailman
...and falling asleep and
[panting heavily ]
!Mrs. Puff
!Mrs. Puff, I'm finished
!All 800 words
!I'm finished !Here it is
?They... Mrs. Puff
?Where is everybody
,Oh, there you are .SpongeBob
,Here you go .Mrs. Puff
800 words, all about stoplights .and what not to do at them
,I'm sorry, SpongeBob .I tried to call you
I have to go .to a teachers' convention
But what about ?my essay
I decided to cancel .the assignment
We're just going to take a field trip
.to a stoplight instead
.See you next week
[grunting ]
[knocking ]
[grunts ]
!Whoo
[grunting ]
[panting ]
.Oh, sweep, sweep
!Need... furniture
[panting and gasping ]
Patrick, what's ?with the home improvement
[barks ]
[panting ]
!Hey, Patrick
!Ooh, sweep, sweep
Well, Patrick, I came over to see
if you wanted to go jelly fishing
but I can see you're busy .having an episode
,You know something ?Spongebob
it's just all fun and games .for you
.Nothing really matters
:[mockingly ] !Oh, let's go jelly fishing"
.We don't have any work to do"
Life is just a big bowl" of fancy, assorted cashews
and nobody has anything" to dust or to clean
"!or to wipe, or fabricate
But, Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean
.is your plate
[sobbing ]
,I don't know what to do .Spongebob
!You got to help me
Patrick, you forgot .how to eat again
Come on, we'll .get the funnel
,No, it's not that .Spongebob; it's worse
Darn, I like .the funnel
?Well, what is it then
!Look
.Hey, a note
.Yeah, but turn it over
.There's a letter
.You're right
And I got this message .from my parents
?Your parents
,Dear Patrick" Your mom and I
are coming out tomorrow" .for Starfish Day
,Please try to remember" but don't try too hard
or you'll hurt yourself" .like last time
".Love, Daddy
Spongebob, my parents think I'm dumber
.than a sack of diapers
,No, they don't .Patrick
Parents just like ...to push your buttons
!like this-- Nee
[laughing ]
.That always cheers me up
.But not today
Patrick, if your parents think you're dumb
then they must not know .what dumb really is
But don't they watch ?television
.That's what I'm saying, Pat
If your parents got to meet a real dummy
they'd realize what genius .you really are
Oh, but don't genius live ?in a lamp
And besides, we don't know .any dumb people
.Don't worry, Patrick
!I'll be the dummy
When your parents see how dumb I act
they'll think you're .the smartest guy ever
!Math is power
A, B, C, D
[E, F, G...[ doorbell rings
...Oh! ...H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
Should I get the bullhorn ?again, Marty
?W, X, Y and Z...
.Hi, Mom
.Hi, Dad
Son, you recognized us .this time
Why wouldn't I recognize ?my own parents
.You never were a bright one
...Uh
[laughing ]
Well, aren't you going ?to show us inside
He probably forgot .where it is
...I know where
Oh, let me lead the way ?so we don't get lost, huh
.Hold hands now
.Okay, we're almost there
.Let go on three
.One, two, three
!Good job
.Pats for Patrick.Pats for Patrick
[both laughing ]
.I'll go get the beverages
[ice cubes tinkling ]
!Wow, son
You put the drinks insomething .this time
Aw, son, you must've been working all night
to put these together .for us
.We love you .We love you
[groaning ]
!doorbell rings]Hooray, the idiot's here ]
.I mean, I'll get it
.Protective helmet-- check
[meows ]
I'm supposed .to look stupid, Gary
[meows ]
?What could go wrong
.What a surprise
.Hi
,Mom, Dad, meet my neighbor .Spongebob
.Hi
.Hello there
?How do you do
.Hi
.Put her there
:[mechanical voice ] !Mama, Mama
.He means shake
!No, Spongebob, no
.Shake hands
.No, Spongebob
.Grab my dad's hand
Grab it with .only one hand
!Good boy
Now move your .arm up and down
[giggling ]
,So, Spongebob ?do you live nearby
.Hi
.No, Spongebob .Show them your house
,No, not your blouse .your house
[screaming ]
?He lives in a fruit
.That's unhealthy
[laughing ]
!Hey, Spongebob
You want to stay ?for dinner
[babbling ]
[chuckles ]
Does he always do that ?after he eats
:PATRICK .Only on Wednesday
[buzzing loudly ]
[chuckling ]
Uh, Patrick, I think your friend .might be broken
Yeah, and it would take more than some masking tape
.to fix that guy
[siren blares ]
?Whoa! Is he going to be okay
.Oh, that's nothing
You should see him in the morning
,prancing around, yelling !Harmony! Harmony! Harmony"
He drives .all the neighbors crazy
Why, just the other day ...our neighbor Squidward was
[elephant trumpets ]
[clattering ]
There's really .no help for him
I mean, look at .the way he's dressed
Only somebody with holes drilled in their head
.would wear that stuff
?And how about this shape
I mean, I've heard of barrel-chested
!but never box-chested
[all laughing ]
Hey, Spongebob, do you have ?any mascara I could borrow
[chuckles ]
?The boy wears makeup
!What a card
[laughing ]
[laughter continues ]
.Hey, Patrick
!Patrick
.Aw, he said my name
Wow, how'd you train ?him to do that
[laughter ]
.Ow! He bit me
,Patrick .meet me in the kitchen
Oh, I guess the dummy wants to have a private .conversation
[laughing ]
!A dumb one
[laughing ]
?So, what's on your mind
!No, wait
:I already know the answer .nothing
[laughing ]
,See, that's funny !'cause you're dumb
Patrick, could you let up on the insults
?just a little bit
Oh, we're those too complicated ?for you
I'll try dumbingthem down .a bit
Patrick, I get the feeling .that you think I really am dumb
:[chuckling ] That's just what I'd expect .you to say
Dumb people are always blissfully unaware
.of how dumb they really are
[moans ]
.I'm only pretending to be dumb
?It was our plan, remember
Oh, Spongebob, if only you could see
how stupid you sound right now
with your talk .of imaginary plans
Tell you what, you've caught me .in a good mood
.I'll humor you
Go on. Go out there and act .smart for everyone
.Okay, I will
;And-and don't worry .I'll keep this warm for you
[clears throat ]
.I have a confession to make
.I lied about being stupid
I just acted like a fool
so you would appreciate Patrick .a little bit more
I know how to talk and eat --and do laundry
I even separate the darks .and the lights
So what do you say we start over .and try again
Hi. My name is Spongebob Squarepants
.and I am not a dummy
[chuckling ]
Amazing. Three minutes in the kitchen
and our son has taught him .to talk in complete sentences
.Oh, good work, son
.It wasn't easy, Dad
:[stuttering ] ...B-but-but
It looks like it's time .for your next lesson, young man
!Now listen to me !I'm not dumb
.I have a brain .See, here's a picture of it
.That must be actual size
[laughter ]
No! It's normal size .and fully functional
.Watch
.Two plus two equals four
,Oh, son, you taught him math .too
!No
.Andyou taught him to sing
[babbling ]
Oh, now he's .short-circuiting
You must've taught him .a little too much
[laughing ]
[laughter continues ]
[laughter continuing ]
[screaming ]
You know, son
I've always known that when it comes to brightness
.well, you're about a three-watt
But this guy... he's a wet match .in a dark cave
He makes .phone operators seem smart
[clears throat ] But more importantly, son
,he's shown me what a sharp .quick-witted boy you've become
I-I feel like I'm really meeting you .for the first time
?Isn't that right, Janet
.You bet, Marty
?Janet
!?Marty
!?Who are you people
.Marty, I'm scared
[doorbell rings ]
.Excuse me
Does this lovely ?couple belong to you
They've been standing outside my house saying
.Where's Patrick?" all day"
!It's driving me nuts
!Mom! Dad
Wow, son, you actually .recognized us this time
And you remembered .to get dressed today
[all laughing ]
,Oh, that's right, honey .we don't have a son
.Oh, yeah
[laughter continuing ]
Captioning sponsored by THE] U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
and NICKELODEON
Captioned by The Caption Center [WGBH Educational Foundation