Are you ready, kids?
KIDS: Aye, aye, Captain.
I can't hear you.
Aye, aye, Captain!
♪ Ooh! ♪
♪ Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? ♪
♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!♪
♪ Absorbent and yellow and porous is he ♪
♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!♪
♪ If nautical nonsense be something you wish ♪
♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!♪
♪ Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish ♪
♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!♪Ready?
♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!♪
[ Captain laughing heartily]
[ piccolo playing]
Captioning sponsored by MTV NETWORKS
Hurry, Patrick.
It's almost time for the joust.
[ laughing]
Right behind you, SpongeBob.
[ fanfare playing]
[ over intercom]: Welcome to Medieval Moments.
You're just 20 wizard's paces away
from swords, sorcery and bad hygiene.
[ both laughing excitedly]
Right this way, please.
Excuse me, my good man.
I believe thou meant to say, "Righteth this wayeth."
[ snickering]
[ strained grunting]
[ resigned sigh]
Someday... but not today.
[ people cheering]
How's that mutton, Patrick?
Me thinks it's mutton-tastic.
[ fanfare playing]
[ snoring]
Morrie! [ gasps]
You're supposed to announce the jousting tournament.
[ fanfare concludes]
[ mike feedback]
Good evening, uh, fair patrons of Medieval Moments.
[ cheering wildly]
By royal decree, we ask that two audience members
come forth and participate in the, uh, the royal jousting.
[ gasp excitedly]
Over here! Ooh! Oh! Over here!
Pick up, pick us!Hey! Pick us! Hey!
Over here!Hey...
[ sighs]: All right. Pick us!
It appears that the pink starfish
and the yellow sponge
are our lucky contestants tonight.
Hooray.
[ cheering]
Isn't this exciting, Patrick?
To think, we'll be watching the joust this close up.
You won't be watching the joust.
You're in the joust.
Pat, do you know how to ride a sea horse?
Nuh-uh.[ sea horses neigh wildly]
[ crowd cheering]
[ snorts]
Mr. Sea Horse, sir,
you're gentle on beginners, aren't you?
[ neighs wildly]
[ screaming]
[ neighing] [ yelling]
[ Patrick yelling]
SpongeBob, help!
Take his head off![ crowd cheering]
[ yelling, shivering]
I don't suppose now would be a good time
to ask for a bathroom break!
Ah...!
[ yelling]
[ Patrick continues yelling]
[ metallic clanking]
[ yelling]
Patrick!
[ neighing]
[ SpongeBob yelling]
[ Patrick yelling]
[ grunts]
I'm glad that's over.
[ SpongeBob yelling]
[ grunts]
[ sea horses neighing]
Look! Some employees from the restaurant
came to help us.
Arrest these traitors for committing the act
of witchcraft by falling from the sky.
Whoa. They really go that extra mile for authenticity.
Salutations, fellow knights.
Silence, heathen!
[ yells]: I get the point.
[ grunts]
GUARD: Nighty-night, ladies.
[ door slams shut]
You'll have many more in here.
[ wicked laughter]
Gee, Pat, these props sure are convincing.
[ clarinet playing]
[ playing jazzy tune]
[ plays off-key]
Oh, blast this confounded instrument.
If I never learn to play with ease,
may mine own great, great, great, great, great, great,
great grandson be cursed tenfold.
Squidward, what are you doing here?
Does thou talketh to me?
[ laughs]: Good one, Squidward.
"Does thou talketh to me?" [ laughs]
Scoff not, young squire.
Thou has mistaken me for another.
I am Squidly, the king's royal fool.
Or at least I was until I royally messed up.
Wow, what did you do?
I'll show you.
♪ I was the king's favorite fool ♪
♪ I made merry mirth and laughter ♪
♪ Then I told one bad joke and the king had a stroke ♪
♪ Now I hang from ye ol' rafter. ♪
[ stomach rumbles]
What does a guy have to do to get some mutton around here?
I'm starving!
Don't hold thy breath.
We'll be lucky if we get fed again by the 12th century.
They sure take their role-playing seriously
around here.[ loud crashing]
What's that?[ plays clarinet]
SQUIDLY: ♪ The evil wizard's dragon is here ♪
♪ See the townsfolk scream with fear ♪
♪ See the townsfolk try to run ♪
♪ I can tell this won't be fun ♪
♪ The dragon will torch everything ♪
♪ Everything in the valley ♪
♪ Hospitals, schools, retirement homes ♪
♪ And even Ye Olde Bowling Alley. ♪
Not the bowling alley.
[ explosion, bowling pins clattering]
[ crying]
Knights, jesters,
dragons, medieval bowling alleys,
12th century!
Don't you see, Patrick?
We really are in medieval times.
Oh, no. I think I left the water running at home.
[ door clanks]
The king wants a word with you two.
Yay!
[ screeching]
Wait. We don't leave without Squidly.
Why should I take him?
Because, um...
Squidly has thought of some brilliant songs for the king
and he just has to hear them.
Isn't that right, Squidly?
Absolutely.
[ playing off-key]
Squidly, uh, maybe you should wait for the king to hear that.
Suit thine self.
Thou does not knowest what thou art missing.
KING [ crying]: Oh, woe is me.
[ crying]
Woe is me. Woe is me.
What to do. What to do.
[ crying]
Father, what art thou going on about now?
Oh, just the same old thing, dear daughter.
It's that wretched wizard, Planktonimor.
His insidious dragons destroyed half me kingdom.
Soon there will be no citizens to tax.
Not one of me best knights has been able to defeat him.
[ gasping]
Father, remember your blood pressure.
You wouldn't want another leech treatment, would you?
[ meow]
GUARD: Your Highness.
The Dungeon Master has brought the prisoners you asked for.
Well, don't just stand there, send them in.
Sure thing, Your Highness...
[ hissing]
Hey, Mr. Krabs.
How dare you bark at me in that tone, knave?
I am the feared ruler of this kingdom
and will be addressed as such.
Sorry.
And why have you brought
this fool back into me throne room?
If your majesty may be so kind,
I think I have a song that will answer all your questions.
[ groans]
All right, all right.
But this is your last chance, fool.
Oh, thank you, Sire, thank you.
You won't be disappointed.
[ plays note]
♪ Oh, hear me, King, for I must sing ♪
♪ How you are the greatest at everything ♪
♪ Like letting a dragon burn down our city ♪
♪ A horrible sight that wasn't pretty ♪
♪ 'Twas all your fault and 'tis a pity ♪
♪ You were bad, you are to blame ♪
♪ Now hang your kingly head in shame ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
ALL: ♪ The king is bad, the king's to blame ♪
♪ He hangs his kingly head in shame ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
[ king snarling]♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la! ♪
[ laughing]
Guards!
Send these slanderers to the guillotine.
[ panicked yelps]
Wait, you don't understand.
We're not from here.
That's because you're witches
who were sent by Planktonimor to destroy me.
No! We're time travelers.
[ growls]
[ gulps] Help me out here, Patrick.
I'm not sure there's anything I can add at this point.
Okay, I'm through playing around.
Guards...
[ panicked yells]
No, wait!
No, please. Father, you must spare them.
Has thou forgotten of the prophecy?
What prophecy?
The one right above your head.
How long has that been there?
The story tells
of two brave knights who fall from the sky
and are sent by the king to rid the lamenting town
of the evil dragon controlled by the one-eyed wizard.
Father, don't you get it? It's them.
These strangers have come to rescue us.
Like in the prophecy.
[ panicked yelling]
How dare you defile my house, demon?!
[ yells]
[ dragon snarling, princess yelling]
Princess Pearl!
I'm coming, Pearl.
Prepare to meet thy maker,
foul beast!
[ yelling]
[ sniffles]: Well, I-I guess this is it, Patrick.
I guess so.
I'm going to miss you, SpongeBob.
[ bawling]
I'll miss you, too, buddy.
[ crying]
[ both crying]
[ SpongeBob blathering]
[ yelling]
[ Pearl yells]
PEARL: Oh, Daddy, help!
Pearl!
[ crying]
Can no one stop this madness?
[ birds chirping, magical music plays]
You... you two...
My apologies,
most noble... [ kisses]
and valued... [ kisses]
warriors... [ kissing]
I guess this is what you call the royal treatment.
[ grunts] May Neptune grant you safety
on your perilous journey to the evil wizard's castle
from which no one has escaped alive.
We're going on a perilous journey?
But of course. You're the chosen ones.
Huh? What's this?
A lost piece of the prophecy?
Hmm?
Let me guess-- more praise for our heroic stature?
Actually, it says I was supposed to kick you out of here.
Say no more, Your Majesty.
Us manly knights are so manly,
we kick ourselves out of places.
Come on, Patrick.
Look out, trouble.
Well, so much for their company.
[ playing off-key]
Eh... on second thought, you better go with them.
They could use the entertainment.
Have it your way.
Good luck, strange ones.
SPONGEBOB: I know we're a prophecy and all,
but I don't think we can stop the dragon
with our bare hands.
Yeah. We need some gloves.
Perhaps yonder blacksmith
could provide some arms for your battle.
[ metallic clanking]
At last! An honest man of the soil.
Observe as I effortlessly commingle
with this brutish native.
Greetings, Iron Man!
I am Sir SpongeBob, of Bikini...
[ strained]: Bottom.
I told you people before.
I'll have the rent when I have it!
[ gasps]
We just wanted to buy some armor.
Oh, why didn't you just say that?
Hmm.
I've got just the thing for you.
This is awesome.
Hey, SpongeBob, get out here!
Whoa, SpongeBob,
you look incredible.
And now, for the piece de resistance.
Your sword, brave knight.
Hand-forged from anodized dragon's skin.
It is truly a weapon worthy of a knight of your stature.
A little heavy, isn't it?
[ laughs]
That's going to need some stitches.
Let me see what else I got.
Unfortunately, all I have in the way of light weaponry
is this jellyfish net.
[ gasps]
That's perfect!
Whah!
We doth have a long journey ahead of us.
It's a good thing I packed us a lunch
of delicious krabby patties.
Ooh.
Thisbe the legendary prophecy?!
[ laughs evilly]
Oh, that be-eth rich.
T'would almost insult me, were it not so funny.
Planktonimor, thou art cocky
and overly-confident with thyself.
Trusteth in me, Karen.
I doth knowest what I am doing.
Come hither, boy.
Deliver my demands unto his majesty, King Krabs.
[ laughs]
[ laughter intensifies]
[ choking]
Halt! Who goes there?
[ gasps] Doth mine eyes betray me?
'Tis the nefarious Dark Knight.
♪ Oh, Dark Knight, spare us please ♪
♪ Don't cut off our heads or boil our knees ♪
♪ Pray, take these two ♪
♪ And let me go free ♪
♪ And I will give to thee some... cheese. ♪
[ cow moos]
BOTH: Dark Knight?
I asketh once more, before I rip thee limb from limb.
Reveal thyself.
I am SpongeBob, and this is Patrick.
[ laughs nervously]
We've been spent to rescue Princess Pearl
from Planktonimor.
If thou wisheth to get across,
thou willst have to get through me!
[ gasps]
Medieval Sandy.
I know how to handle this: with a little karate.
[ emits battle cry]
Whah! Whah!
[ both yelling]
By the hammer of Odin,
this be a new fighting style
mine eyes have not yet seen.
I am bad! Oh, yeah!
Whoo!
Doth thou tryeth to insult me?
Thou whilst drink from the fountain of shame!
[ emitting battle cry]
Do you hear that, Patrick?
I told you she zings like a squir... Whoa!
[ blows landing][ SpongeBob yelling]
[ laughs]
Good one, medieval Sandy.
But can you handle my feet of fury?
[ yelling]
Wouldst thou like a little rubdown?
[ Sandy coughing]
[ gasps]
[ coughing]
[ gasping]
You have bested me, yellow knight.
Strike quick and true,
noble sponge.
I don't understand a word you just said.
[ laughs]
Uh, medieval Sandy?
You don't look so good.
Sandy?
[ warbled]: Sandy...
Huh? What?
Patrick, it's working.
Do it again.
[ gargling]
[ yelling]
Thou hast spared me, kind and noble sponge,
and to thee, I owe a debt of gratitude,
for I will follow you in your quest to defeat Planktonimor
and learn a trifle of that karate.
Yeah! Karate!
Whah! Cha-cha!
Ow-eth.
Your majesty, your majesty!
A scroll hath arrived for thee.
"Thou must hand over thy village... and they throne?!
Or thy daughter shall be dipped in a cauldron of lava?!"
Pearl!
[ screaming]
That be the shriek of the fair princess.
♪ Hark, the princess, she screams from the tower ♪
♪ By the sound of her shrieks, this is her final hour. ♪
[ thunder rumbles]
Then time be of the essence.
Doth we all remember thy plan?
[ all affirming hesitantly]
No. Uh... I mean yes!
Yes!
That's what I said.
Yes.
Then let us forge on.
Make way, heathens.
Dark Knight coming through.
Huh?
State thy business, Dark Knight.
These village idiots are conspirators
against Master Planktonimor
and I needeth to know which form of torture
thy master wishes upon these wretched fools.
Do I have their limbs tied to horses
and swiftly yanked apart-- rip!
[ all gasp]
Or pluck each individual eyelash, one by one,
taking away their every single last eyelash wish?
No...!
No, no, no!
Very well, Dark Knight.
Entrance be granted.
No, no, no!
Halt! Make a wish!
[ laughs]
Wow, goodsome thinking, Sir SpongeBob,
posing as a frightened wee babe in ye old diapers
did make it most believable.
Yeah, you think we fooled them?
[ Pearl screaming]
Princess Pearl.
I must fulfill the prophecy
while you untie Patrick and the royal doofus.
That be royal fool.
Hang on, Pearl.
We're coming to rescue you.
Whew.
Freedom is at hand.
[ panting]
We're a-coming.
Almost there.
Oh, dear Neptune.
[ Planktonimor laughing]
Soon, the king's village will be mine.
Mine!
[ screaming]
Unhand her... fiend!
The prophecy is nigh.
[ panting]
We're here to rescue you, Pearl.
Whew!
Could I get a glass of water?
Sparkling or regular?
Psyche-eth!
[ gasps]
You truly are the nastiest wizard
in all of Bikini Bottomshire.
Prepare to be vanquished!
Bring it on-eth, knave.
[ yelling]
[ squishing]
Huh? What the... where?!
Oh... [ laughs]
I didn't see you, you're so tiny.
[ growling]
[ laughs]
That tickles.
Tiny powers! Tiny powers!
[ yelling]
[ yell becoming distant]
I be-eth okay.
[ laughing]
Wow... Huh?
Yes! Yes!
Sicceth them, boy!
Perhaps a soothing limerick will calm thee.
♪ There once was a dragon so handsome and smart ♪
♪ He let me go free, for he had a big heart. ♪
Everyone be-eth a critic.
[ Sandy making karate noises]
No, no, no, no!
[ roaring]
Dead end for you, simpletons.
[ laughs]
Wait a second.
[ yelling]
[ chuckles]
Wow, the boys back home will never believe this.
I'm right here, and I don't believe it.
Whoa!
No! No! No! no!
Well, I guess this is it, Pat.
Yeah.
Hey, can we eat those krabby patties now?
Sure, buddy.
Yay!
[ sniffs]Hey!
Patrick, look,
he's eating the krabby patty.
Huh?
No, no, no!
The horror, the horror!
No, Patrick, it's a good thing.
It is?
Sure it is.
Just listen to him purr.
He loves that krabby patty.
Forsooth, what be-eth going on here?
Destroy them!
Do it now, or so help me...
Um, I'd be more than happy to make you some more
of those delicious krabby patties.
Curses. You win.
[ playing fanfare]
Make way. Thy king's heroes cometh through.
♪ Hark, ring the bell ♪
♪ 'Tis all ended well ♪
♪ The dragon is vanquished, the princess returned ♪
♪ And only a few ♪
♪ Of us got badly burned. ♪
Order up!
Hmm. I doth wonder if I couldst sell these... krabby patties.
[ laughs]
[ crowd booing]
Ah, that horrible noise.
Oh, make it stop!
[ neighing]
Whoa! Whoa!
WOMAN: Hey, kid, are you okay?
That was some fall you had.
Oh. I guess I shouldn't have agitated that sea horse.
That was some dream, huh, Patrick?
Patrick?
Try telling that to Squidly.
[ plays warbled note]