*
[bubbling]
- [sniffs]
Nope, nothing.
I can't smell a cent or a dollar or any money
in a five-mile radius.
We might as well shut her down early.
- Eee!
- Just as soon as that guy finishes his meal.
- You mean the guy who's been nursing a single fry
for the last hour?
- When he goes, you can go.
- [growls]
- [slurping noises]
- Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be
having trouble masticating.
Here, let me help you.
- [chewing noises and grunting]
[gulps]
- What, no tip?
Finally, yes!
Leaving early,
I can't believe this is finally happening.
[thunder rumbles]
[yelps]
'Cause it's not.
- Oh, my.
That's quite a storm.
You know, a storm like this puts me in the mind
of me old Navy days.
- Old Navy days? Ooh!
- That gives me a fine idea, SpongeBob.
Since it looks like we're gonna be stuck here a while,
why don't you pull up a barrel, me laddies,
while I regale you with a thrilling tale
of me mysterious, salty past.
There now, the lights are properly dimmed.
Feast yourself on these slightly expired
soda crackies as I spin you a yarn that puts
hair on your chest.
- I don't want any hair on my chest.
- Ooh, I do.
[crunches]
- It was a day just like this one.
The wind was howling!
And me ship was being tossed about
like a ragdoll on a trampoline.
I was in the galley, cooking up grub
for me crew to keep their mind off this horrible squall.
*
It was just then that he burst into the galley!
- Who he?
- The man whose mission was to make my life
a living nightmare.
The roughest, toughest, scaliest old barnacle
that ever roamed the briny deep.
He was me commanding officer
and he loathed me with the white hot hatred
of a psychotic madman!
They called him "Captain Scarfish"!
- Hello! - [yelps]
- Stand at attention, Mr. Krabs.
I want you to tell me the meaning of this.
- Oh, that, sir?
Why, sir, that's a sea cucumber sandwich, sir,
with the crusts cut off, sir.
A little booshee amusee for the boys, sir.
- This is the Navy, son.
We don't cut the crusts off.
We eat the crusts and throw the rest away.
- But that's-- that's madness.
- [chewing noises]
I'm telling you for the last time,
you're gonna have to stop making your food so delicious!
- But I don't know how!
- Well, you better figure it out.
I need my men wild-eyed and hungry, Krabs.
We've got a cargo hold full of suntan lotion, and--
- Wait.
You were transporting suntan lotion?
[laughs]
What SPF?
- I don't see what's so amusing about that,
Mr. Squidward.
We were a cargo ship
heading straight into pirate territory
with a fresh supply of suntan lotion
for shipwrecked sailors whose skin was chafed.
- [yawns]
- Chafed, Mr. Squidward!
- Chafed! - Chafed!
- Aye, sir, I understand, sir! Chafed.
- So tonight's meal is gonna be terrible,
you understand me? - Aye, sir.
- The worst you've ever made! - Aye, aye, sir.
- The kind of slop that'll
put some steel in their spines! - Aye, aye, sir!
- Either that, or I'll throw you in the brig!
- Yes, sir.
[overlapping chatter]
[door opens]
all: Huzzah!
- Oh, don't huzzah yet, boys.
- What's on the menu tonight, eh?
- Slop.
[all laughing]
- Oh, slop, eh? Good one!
Why don't you put some of that delicious slop
right here on my--
Oh, I bet it's one of those things that looks bad,
but it tastes really--
[groans]
Bad.
- [grumbles] Sorry, boys.
Oh, Captain's orders.
- [retches]
- Oh, I can't stand it!
I don't care what the Captain says.
[triumphant music]
*
all: Huzzah!
Huzzah for Mr. Krabs!
Huzzah!
- What's all this huzzah-ing about?
- Oh, nothing, sir.
They just really enjoy eating slop.
Don't you, boys?
- Attention!
Hmm...
Looks like slop, all right.
But what's this?
- Cherries jubilee. all: Cherries jubilee!
- Cherries jubilee?
- Well, flaming cherries jubilee.
- Flaming? What are you trying to pull, you lubber?
This looks like regular cherries jubilee.
- Well, you see, sir, I was just gonna
take this here match and--
[gasps]
And so I found meself in the brig
with two guards watching me every move.
The one was as brutal and ugly a bounder
as you'd ever wish to see in your darkest nightmare.
- Garr, what are you looking at?
- But I thought I could dupe the other one,
should the need arise.
[train whistle toots] - [chuckles]
Gee, Mr. Krabs, that second guard sounds like
a real goofball!
- I managed to worm some useful information
out of him right away.
You see, he was an aspiring cook.
And I talked him into sneaking some things
down into the brig for me-- the tools of me trade,
you might say.
I set him to work on a spun-sugar cathedral
that took up most of his attention.
He never suspected that I was using the scraps
to fashion a candy key.
Where's your sourpuss friend tonight?
- Sick in bed, like all the men.
The captain's been feeding them nothing but moldy
old sandwich crusts.
They've all got terrible belly-aches.
Not me, though.
I cook for myself.
- Wise lad.
- [inhales]
[dolphin noises]
- And so, after a few hours
of bouncing off the walls,
the sugar finally wore off.
And soon, he was napping like a baby.
This was me chance to use me sweet key to freedom!
But did I dare take it?
I'd be in violation of the Naval Code.
Then something happened that made me mind up for me.
[explosion]
Pirates!
We were under attack!
I had to act fast.
Wake up, lad, wake up!
Man your battle stations!
[all groaning]
I was on me own.
I could see it all, a pirate ship,
and on that island, a crew of fine Naval men.
Our only hope, marooned on a beach
by those same scurvy pirates and suffering
from the effects of chafe, sunburn!
The pirates had already launched a boat
and were preparing to board our vessel.
- Row, you worthless dogs!
- Stand down, Krabs.
I'll have you in irons!
- Listen to me, Captain.
This is gonna get real ugly, real fast.
We've got to get to the cannons.
- We're not outfitted for battle, Krabs.
There's no ammunition.
The cannons are ornamental at best.
Ornamental at best!
- Then listen carefully.
You'll have to go down to the cargo hold
and poke holes in the barrels of suntan lotion
and scuttle the ship.
- What you're suggesting is mutiny!
- Do as he says, Captain.
- What are you using for ammo there, ensign?
- Oh, I rolled up an old moldy sandwich crust
into a hard little ball.
- That's it! Come with me, lad!
[upbeat music]
*
[cannon fires]
Direct hit! both: Huzzah!
- You'll pay for that.
Get him, boys!
- Uh, what do I do?
- Get down to the cargo hold and check on the captain.
Charge!
[grunting]
Close one!
- Ah, he's kind of handsome for a crusty old cuss.
- [sobbing]
I can't do it. I'm weak.
- Snap out of it, man!
- [gasps]
- Ew.
- My personality! [sobbing]
- Oops, uh, let me put that back.
*
[all speaking happily at once]
- [grunting] Missed me!
Uh-oh.
Uh, anyone for cherries jubilee?
- Finish him off!
sailors: Huzzah for Mr. Krabs!
- Ha, ha, the sunburn brigade!
Ha, ha, me plan worked!
[chuckles]
- Handsome and clever, I see.
Join me, Krabs.
We'll rule the seven seas together.
- I can't let you go, lass.
I'd be in violation of the naval code.
Enjoy your last meal.
I hope you like spun sugar.
- Huh?
Oh...
[chuckles]
- What are we all winking about?
- I don't know!
*