[upbeat dramatic music]
*
- The Aquaphone, the Mermalair's telecommunication
device connecting city hall
with the underwater crime-fighting
hero, Mermaid Man.
- Yello?
- Never mind. It's just this idiot.
- Argh!
- By the power of Neptune...
both: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy unite!
- To the invisible boatmobile.
- Yay.
[both imitating engine revving]
- This must be the secret lair of an evil villain.
- You're right.
- Wah-ha!
[grunting]
- [giggling]
- [humming]
- Oh!
Looks like there's evil afoot.
- And littering is a crime. - What?
I thought I had my house sponge-and-star-proofed.
- Hey, Squidward, want to play Mermaid Man
and Barnacle Boy with us?
- No!
Now, please fall and get seriously hurt.
both: Ahh!
- Ugh! Oof!
- I'm sure I've heard that "no" before.
- Holy something, Mermaid Man. You can't mean--
- Yes, my young, pink ward.
It's none other than...
Doctor Negative.
- * I hate SpongeBob, and I hate Patrick *
- It's that denying desperado's siren song.
- * Loathing SpongeBob, scorning Patrick la-la-la-la-la-la *
- He's obviously raising an army of mutant vegetables.
And that song he's singing...
both: Will bring them to life.
- [whistling]
both: Hyah!
- [grunting]
Although our foes were evil,
their nutrition did not go to waste, Doctor Negative.
- We're watching you.
- That's it!
I'm gonna clobber you two!
- Hey, Squidward, do you hear that?
[whistle blowing]
You better hurry up or you'll be late for work.
- Yeah, you better do something or whatever.
- [groaning]
[grunting]
Ohh.
- Ahh-ahh-ahh!
- * Mermaid Man, our hero Barnacle Boy, you too *
- * Mermaid Man, crime-fighter Barnacle Boy, makes do *
- * Evil found its match today
* Underwater justice and fair play *
both: *Super plan, garbage can, minivan, Mermaid Man *
- Ahh!
Will you two shut up about that stupid show?
- Oh, did you say something negative, Doctor Negative?
- What the--how did--
- I heard him say something negative.
[toilet flushing]
- Mermaid Man, that injured victim's bandages
have come undone.
- That poor man needs aid...
of the first variety.
- [gasps]
- Oh, we forgot the peroxide.
- [grunting]
- That should hold you until the surgeons
can amputate your torso.
- Hmmph. [mumbling]
both: Justice restored!
- Hey, super dorks, your turn to take out the garbage.
- All right, Dr. Negative, we'll play
along and take it out.
Hiyah!
- [gasps]
Why are all my tables empty?
Why am I not making money?
- Because these two costumed creeps chased them out.
[both grunting]
- Oh. Mr. Squidward, step into me office.
- Uh-oh, Patrick.
I think we got Squidward in trouble.
- I'm gonna share a secret with you that I never told anyone.
- Uh, that's okay. I don't need to hear a...
Hmm?
- Ha! Ha-ha. You're a comic book geek.
- Ahh!
Don't touch those.
They're mint condition, worth a fortune.
- So you read comics. Don't worry.
Lots of perfectly immature adults read comics.
- Oh, it's deeper than that.
I sewed it meself.
It's Captain Tightwad from issue 53.
They say he's a bad guy, but, you know,
I think he's just misunderstood.
- Oh, look at that. I think I left my oven on.
- I had some fabric left over, so I made this.
- Oh, don't tell me... Doctor Negative?
- Ahoy, you high-sea halfwits.
[both gasp]
- Tremble before Captain Tightwad!
Squidward.
- And cower in fear of Doctor Negative.
- Holy shrimp.
This is the best day of my life.
[dramatic music]
*
both: Whoa! Oh!
Whoa-ho! Whoa!
*
- What're you waiting for? - Augh!
Ugh!
[grunting]
Ugh! Ow! Ow!
[both grunting]
- Hyahhh!
- Why are we fighting Captain Tightwad?
He didn't even commit a crime.
- What--what do you mean?
- Oh, Mr. Krabs, it's right here in
"Mermaid Man" number 98.
"No superhero shall fight a super villain
until that super villain has committed a crime."
- Uh...well...hey.
Ha-ha, see?
I just stole some money.
- Well, it's not really stealing if it's your own money.
- Oh, come on.
What do--what do I have to do here?
- Ahh-ahh-ahh!
- Are you sure about this?
Isn't robbing a bank against the law?
- Well, yes, Mr. Krabs, but you're not really
robbing a bank. You're just pretending to.
- And then we can play? - Yep.
- Oh, okay.
Ahoy.
Anyone home?
It's Captain Tightwad and Doctor Negative.
We're here to rob you.
Anyone here? Hello?
- [snoring]
Barnacled nickels.
Can I help you ladies?
- Oh, yeah, thanks, old-timer.
Um, we're pretending to rob this bank.
Where's the tellers? Where's the money?
- Ain't no tellers.
ATM's outside.
both: Heh-heh-heh-heh.
- Aw, barnacles. I forgot me debit card.
- Wait a minute.
I don't care if you are ladies.
Nobody pretends to rob my bank.
- [roars] - Ahh!
[grunting]
Ow!
Ehh...
- [mumbling]
- Whoa, you were so convincing.
You had that guard totally fooled.
I think we can skip to the end of the story.
Let's just stop here to pick up some props
for your evil lair.
We'll just need a few dollars... yoink!
- I'm supposed to be the villain,
so why do I feel like I'm being robbed?
[dramatic music]
- Okay Captain Tightwad...
Doctor Negative, you can come out now.
[cash register dings]
both: Ahh!
- [grunts]
- Okay, so here's the scene.
You two have us here in this cage over a pool of boiling oil.
Now, that is a crime.
Now you can let us out so we can fight.
- Oh, I don't think we're going to do that.
- Hey, wha-wha-wha-what are you doing?
- Being evil.
Isn't that what you wanted?
Aren't you scared?
Boo-hoo?
- Boo-hoo? Do you expect us to cry?
- No, Mr. Bob.
I expect you to fry.
[laughs]
- [laughs]
Ha-ha, ha-ha, hmm.
Okay, Squidward, playtime's over.
This is getting a little intense here.
- Too long have I suffered living between you two ninnies.
But now-- now as Doctor Negative,
I shall finally exact my exquisite revenge!
[laughs]
[both chuckling]
- See, I just knew he'd make a terrific bad guy.
He is really committing.
- Yeah, you did a great job with casting.
- Could this be end of our Doofus Duo?
Deep-fried like two tenacious tater tots on tenterhooks?
- Swing, Boy Under. Swing the basket.
[both grunting]
both: Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh.
Ahhh!
[upbeat music]
*
- Oh, boy, Mr. Krabs.
That was the best Mermaid Man playdate ever.
- Yeah, not bad.
But next time, we won't go so easy on ya.
- Eh... maybe I'll just stick to
reading comics from now on.
both: To the Mermalair!
Ahh...oof!
- And so ends another numskulled episode
of that preposterous pair:
Mermaid Pants and Barnacle Star.
Tune in next time for more mind-rotting adventures.
I've really got to find another job.
I wonder if it's too late to go back to college radio?