Good morning! That was Melanie
and "Brand New Key"
and this is your friendly neighborhood DJ,
Mike "MotorMouth" Mulcahey
on KROC, The Krocodile.
Rolling out the Rock to whoever's left
in whatever's left of the Greater Metropolitan area.
The weather today is mostly lethal.
So, stay indoors
and by indoors, we mean underground, in a secure bunker
or abandoned mine-uh.
Well, enough chitter chatter, let's get at 'er.
This is MotorMouth in the Morning.
Ready or not, here I rock.
Calling all Crocodile Rockers,
that was Melanie and uh, reliable sources tell me
that she's got a brand new pair of roller skates,
and you've got a brand new key!
That song was a big hit for Melanie
way back in October of 1971.
My, how time flies.
And speaking of the passage of time,
it was five years ago that the DNA
bombs started dropping and all life on the earth's surface
came to a sudden, and screeching halt.
Once again, you're listening to MotorMouth in the Morning.
And I've got the Rocking Pneumonia
and the Boogie Woogie Flu
and my Doctor has prescribed
regular doses of Rock 'n Roll.
Open wide.
Average Weekend]
Oh, no, no, no, no! - Tag, you're it!
- I'm gonna get you. Heh, heh.
- I know, you're fast.
- Get ambumblance.
- Ambumblance?
- Go!
911, what's your emergency?
- 911, what's your emergency? - Poppop fell!
Need ambumblance.
- Ambumblance? - Yes!
- Ambumblance. - Ambumblance!
- Ambumblance?
- Yes, ambumblance!
- You sure? - Um...
Ambumblance! Ambumblance!
- Ambumblance! - Hold, please.
- I've got a kid on the line, says his Poppop fell
and he's scared. Wants an ambumblance.
- Ambumblance? - Ambumblance.
- I'd better check the book. - Yeah.
Ambumblance.
Ambumblance!
Andibplunz. - Mm-hmm.
- Amdumbunce.
Asidimplance. - Hang in there, kid.
Everything's gonna be okay.
- Ah! Ambumblance!
- Poppop!
They're here! - Hmm.
Ugh!
- Who are you?
- No! Take me...
to hoppital.
- Did he say hospital or hoppital?
- He said hoppital, but I think he meant hospital.
- Not again!
Ambumblance!
Maybe we should change our name.
- What? Why? Ohhhh!
- And you're back with MotorMouth in the Morning,
that was Melanie's "Brand New Key".
Let's take a look at the traffic.
Learn to drive, you jerk!
- Cross-town traffic today is slow to moderate,
and only vaguely human.
And that's the traffic for this Tuesday
on MotorMouth in the Morning!
I'm walkin' here!
- Well, it looks like we've got a caller!
Hello, you're on the air with MotorMouth in the Morning!
Hello,
are you happy with your current internet provider?
- Well, since my internet provider has been vaporized,
I'd have to say I'm not entirely happy.
- I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
Please answer yes or no. - No!
- Please hold and you'll be connected
with the first available sales representative.
- Thank you for your call.
Once again, this is Melanie with "Brand New Key."
- There was such a crowd
at the grocery store today.
Huh!
They completely ran out of tuna in oil!
Sometimes I just don't get the world.
But you do.
Don't you, Shakespeare?
"The web of our life is of a mingled yarn,
good and ill together."
Wow. You really get me.
What? It says here that you were a terrible speller!
So am I! Oh, wow.
So alike, you and I.
Hmm.
Well, time for sleep.
Or how did you put it?
"Sleep that knits up the raveled sleeve of care."
God, I wish we could have been friends.
Thad and Shakespeare.
Hmm, sorry!
Shakespeare and Thad, of course.
Ah, well.
"Sleep that puts each day to rest."
Good night, you brilliant guy.
Ah!
Oh, my God!
- What is this? - Ah!
- I live.
- Who hath given me the sweetest gift of life?
- It's me! It's me!
Oh, Shakespeare, I prayed for you to be alive!
Oh, I'm Thad!
- Thank you, most blessed Thad.
- Get away from me, demon!
Argh! Argh! - Don't bite me!
I'm trying to help you!
What is going on in there?
- Oh! It's00 a.m.!
- Nothing!
Ugh!
Okay, is... is that better?
- Oh yes, Thad, you have staunched my bloody geysers.
Thad, thank you.
- Ah, please. - Oh.
Whither be my legs?!
- Oh, God! Oh, God, I'm so sorry!
- I'll put it back in. - Ahhhh!
Ah, gosh.
It was so busy at the grocery store,
I can't--
- Ugh!
- Why are you watching this stupid show again?
- Fuck off!
I like it. It's amazing.
- Ha! Ha! Hilarious!
- Don't you wanna write something great?
- Hey, why don't you fuckin' write something, huh?
I already wrote everything.
- Did you get my sardines?
- Well, uh no, they-they didn't have them,
and I would've had to go all the way to the Metro.
- Then, get thee to the fucking Metro, you fuck!
- I wish he was as sweet as you, Menudo.
Menudo and Thad.
Friends of "Kids in the Hall"
NumberRon.
- I mean, I was a big fan of the Kids.
Big fan. I remember hangin' out with them backstage,
you know, eatin' grapes,
all the carryins-on.
Well, I mean, I was near them, you know,
I kinda ate my grapes in the corner,
they didn't really know I was there,
But that's what made it fun! Huh, am I right?
What are you doing in my house?
- Oh, shoot!
Friends of "Kids in the Hall". Number 74.
- Does this open out or...? Ron.
- Ah, it worked. Got it!
Dreams"]
Hey friends, who likes to boogie
and learn about new products?
I think they're called Americans!
- Ohhhh! Ha!
Woo! What a good group!
- Yeah. - Yeah, what a great group.
- Yeah, and what a great song, huh, Get Outta my Dreams,
what does that even mean? - And into my car?
I can imagine that. - Ha, ha.
- You know what, folks? I have a dream.
- Do you, really? - Yes, I wake up each morning
and I say to myself, "Today, I hope my pants fit."
- I think that's a pretty common sentiment,
am I right, folks?
- Yes, we've been travelling around selling our excellent,
well-priced products and we
know now why they call it "Middle America."
- Do you mind if I tell you a story?
- Would you, please? Huh?
- Okay, so, we were down in Texas.
- A little town called Shithole. You heard of it?
- Shithole, Texas, yeah,
and I met a proud, young American there.
Now, he was morbidly obese,
but not in a way that would eventually kill him.
- Right, right, right, sure. - And he told me,
"Hey, I'd like to diet. Who wouldn't?
But you know, my job, it's nuts!
I'm working 6, 7 hours a day!
By the time I get off work, get drunk and drive home,
I'm so tired, all I can do is eat cheese!"
- I've heard a story like one million times.
It's true. - Yeah, he said, you know,
I'm so busy, I'd love to play with my new child,
but you know, when I get home, all I can think about
is pouring cheese on his head and eating him.
- I bet he tried everything he could to lose weight,
didn't he? - Everything!
- I'm sure he wired his jaw shut.
- Got it done at his local muffler shop.
- I'm sure he had the surgery so his stomach
was the size of a common opera purse.
- Done and done. - I'm sure he tried exercise.
- No, I don't think he tried exercise,
but were you listening to the story?
I mean, come on, the guy's working the call center,
4 or 5 hours a day! - Sure, sure, sure.
- You know, folks, I will never
forget the way that he looked at me
with these cheese-colored tears
dripping down his face,
which he wiped away and ate,
and he said that things had gotten so bad,
that he was starting to consider the possibility
of going on a diet at some point in the near future.
A diet!! - Ahhh!
Why isn't the government here to solve all our problems?
- Ha, wait a minute, the government?
Hold on there, Karl Marx!
- What about good, old fashioned American knowhow?
Why can't someone in this great country
invent a product of some kind
to help us deal with all this irksome fat, huh?
Yeah! - Well, I have!
- What?! - It's called "The Gut Spigot".
- How does this Gut Spigot work?
- Here, let me show you!
See, we are all covered in something called skin.
Uh-oh, folks, look out, here comes the science.
Go ahead, Nerd! - And underneath our skin,
we all have between one inch and one yard of fat.
- Yeah! - What the Gut Spigot does,
is it burrows inside and you can literally
drain your fat away! - Ha!
- Fascinating, right? - Yeah, yeah!
Hang on a second; I think we've got a question.
Yes, sir? I just want to say,
for years, my only form of weight loss
was to shove a Shop-Vac into my belly button.
- Oh! - However, it's disruptive
to my intimate endeavors.
Oh, my God!
- You know, this unpaid stranger raises a good point,
I mean, is this Gut Spigot unsightly?
- Not at all! In fact, I'm wearing one right now!
- Oh, what? You are not!
- Yes, I've lost 38 pounds with my Gut Spigot!
- This guy's a fuckin' liar! - No, I'm not!
If you don't believe me, here it is!
- What?
Oh, wow, look at that! Hey, come on, folks,
let's give this fat a hand!
Huh? Let's just...
Oh, wait a minute, that is heavy!
Hold on a second, Pal.
How-how do I get rid of all that fat once I got it out?
- You burn it. - You burn it?!
- Yup. See, America's addicted to cheese,
but it's also addicted to oil.
With the Gut Spigot, you can solve both problems at once!
Oh! Hang on a minute,
are you saying that the solution
to America's dependence on foreign oil lies underneath
the skirts of those big gals we met down in Texas?
- Those were beautiful librarians!
- Hold on! This isn't right! - Wha--??
- We should buy them for the whole family!
Christmas is just around the corner!
That's right!
- And if any of these good-looking members
of the audience today have any more questions,
we're staying at the Motel 6. - Actually, it's the Motel 8.
That's two better!
Oh, yes!
You're only as old as your shoes.
Heh, heh. That's funny.
Wait... maybe not!
- So, you think these shoes will do the trick, eh?
- Oh, I do! Definitely!
This is what all the young Turks
with a fire in their belly are wearing.
- Really?
- I sold a pair to this one guy in the morning,
and by lunch that day, he had moved from the mailroom
to the Vice President's office. - Hmm,
well, you can't argue with the data.
- These shoes are selling like crazy.
You're lucky I have them in your size.
- Actually, they're a little tight.
- Best I can do.
- Aha!
Ha, Good morning!
Good morning! Ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha!
Husk, here. Oh, yes sir.
I'll be right out.
Boss wants to see me upstairs!
Looks like I'm movin' on up!
- Well, as I live and breathe, Danny Husk,
come on in here, Boy!
Have a seat, Danny Boy.
- Okay!
Oh boy. Uh, huh.
- Have a seat there, Dan.
- Uh, whew. Okay. - Have a seat, come on.
- Would you mind if I...? - Oh, no! No.
- Here. There we go.
- Alrighty, then. - Yeah.
- Ah, there you go.
- Ha, ha!
- Ah! So... what did you wanna see me for?
- Danny, you're fired!
- Huh...
I don't follow. - Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.
- Oh. - I left out a chunk.
There's been an anonymous complaint, Danny,
and you're fired. - A complaint?
- Yep. - About-about what?
- Well, it's about your shoes, Dan!
- My shoes? - Hmm.
- Well, that's ridiculous, everybody loves my shoes.
- No, there's been an anonymous complaint
that says your shoes are an example
of cultural appropriation.
- Who made this complaint?
- I'm not at liberty to say, Dan, it's-it's anonymous.
- Well, I think I need to know! - Well, I can't tell ya, Dan.
- Well, I think I deserve to know!
- Can't tell ya! Can't tell ya. - I'd like to know.
- Well, I think you should tell me.
- Well, I can't tell ya, Dan. - Well, I wanna know.
- Well, I can't say. - Okay.
- All right. - But I think I know who it is.
- Well, I don't think so. - It was Bingo, wasn't it?
Really doesn't matter who it was, Dan, the point is,
you've been revealed to be culturally insensitive,
and I'm afraid that shit don't fly here, no mo'.
- Well, what if I made one of those public apologies?
- Dan... - Come on.
- Dan, this isn't the 90s. - No, really.
Oh, but sir, I have no dignity. I could really grovel.
- This is it, Dan.
- So, this is it. - Yep.
- Guess I'd better just uh, mosey on out.
- Been quite a ride, Dan! - Yes, it has been, Sir.
- Quite a ride. - Guess I'll just... take off.
- Ha, ha, yeah. Good one, Dan.
- Well, Bingo, no hard feelings.
- Danny, let me walk ya out.
- Okay.
- Sir? Are you Dutch?
- No, Danny, why do you ask?
- Oh boy.
Well, Danny. - Mm-hmm?
- What do you wanna do now that we're both unemployed?
- Hmm, that's a good question, Sir.
- Yep. You know me, I always dreamed of driving a Gypsy cab.
- Sir, I think you'd be very good at that.
- Oh, well thank you, Danny. - You know what
I find interesting, Sir? - Hmm?
- I've taken Gypsy cabs my whole life.
- Yep. - But I've never once
gotten into one and had a Gypsy driving.
- No. - You think it's racism?
- Probably. Most things are.
Hello, Remnants of Humanity,
this is MotorMouth in the Morning reminding you
that if the skates and the key are cherry,
then the singer must be Melanie-e-e-e!
On a personal note,
I'd like to send out birthday greetings to my twins,
who were born four years ago today.
I'll never forget my joy and relief,
when my wife gave birth to that perfect, beautiful baby girl.
Then she birthed the placenta,
which sprouted six crab-like legs
and spun around to reveal a sphincter-like mouth
ringed with razor-sharp teeth.
And before we could react, that monstrous afterbirth
lunged at our baby girl and ate her left arm.
But this story has a happy ending!
For, within a week, the arm grew back, so...
who's the mutant now?
Since then, we've raised them as twins,
but we do keep one of those twins locked
in a storage cupboard. I'll let you guess which one.
- Oh, well it looks like we're down to the last few drops
of fuel in the old generator.
Well, maybe we can squeeze in one last listen
to Melanie and "Brand New Key"
on Motormouth in the Morning.