♪ Well, I've got a brand new pair of roller skates ♪
♪ You've got a brand new key ♪
[water drips]
♪ I think that we should get together ♪
♪ And try them out, you see ♪
♪ I've been lookin' around awhile ♪
♪ You got something for me ♪
♪ Oh, I've got a brand new pair of roller skates ♪
♪ You've got a brand new key ♪
[record skips]
[record player rattles, music stops]
[energetic] Good morning! That was Melanie
and "Brand New Key"
and this is your friendly neighborhood DJ,
Mike "MotorMouth" Mulcahey
on KROC, The Krocodile.
Rolling out the Rock to whoever's left
in whatever's left of the Greater Metropolitan area.
The weather today is mostly lethal.
So, stay indoors
and by indoors, we mean underground, in a secure bunker
or abandoned mine-uh.
Well, enough chitter chatter, let's get at 'er.
This is MotorMouth in the Morning.
Ready or not, here I rock.
♪ Well, I've got a brand new pair of roller skates ♪
♪ You've got a brand new key ♪
♪ I think that we should get together ♪
♪ And try them out, you see ♪
♪ I've been lookin' around awhile ♪
♪ You got something for me ♪
♪ Oh, I've got a brand new pair of roller skates ♪
♪ You've got a brand new key ♪
[music skips]
[needle scratches, music stops]
[energetic] Calling all Crocodile Rockers,
that was Melanie and uh, reliable sources tell me
that she's got a brand new pair of roller skates,
and you've got a brand new key!
That song was a big hit for Melanie
way back in October of 1971.
My, how time flies.
And speaking of the passage of time,
it was five years ago that the DNA
bombs started dropping and all life on the earth's surface
came to a sudden, and screeching halt.
Once again, you're listening to MotorMouth in the Morning.
And I've got the Rocking Pneumonia
and the Boogie Woogie Flu
and my Doctor has prescribed
regular doses of Rock 'n Roll.
Open wide.
♪ Well, I've got a brand new pair of roller skates ♪
♪ You've got a brand new key ♪
♪ I think that we should get together ♪
♪ And try them out, you see ♪
[fan rattles, lights buzzing]
♪ I've been lookin' around awhile ♪
[♪ Shadowy Men: "Having an Average Weekend]
♪♪♪
Oh, no, no, no, no! - Tag, you're it!
- I'm gonna get you. Heh, heh. - [giggling]
[Both laughing]
- I know, you're fast.
- [Both giggling]
[gasps for air, crashes to ground]
[running footsteps approach and stop]
- Get ambumblance.
- Ambumblance?
- Go!
[footsteps run quickly]
[phones ringing]
[Woman] 911, what's your emergency?
- 911, what's your emergency? - Poppop fell!
Need ambumblance.
- Ambumblance? - Yes!
- Ambumblance. - Ambumblance!
- Ambumblance?
- Yes, ambumblance!
- You sure? - Um...
[Poppop] Ambumblance! Ambumblance!
- Ambumblance! - Hold, please.
[wheels rasp]
- I've got a kid on the line, says his Poppop fell
and he's scared. Wants an ambumblance.
- Ambumblance? - Ambumblance.
- I'd better check the book. - Yeah.
[Poppop] Ambumblance.
Ambumblance!
[Kevin] Andibplunz. - Mm-hmm.
- Amdumbunce.
Asidimplance. - Hang in there, kid.
Everything's gonna be okay.
- Ah! Ambumblance!
[keys clack]
[running footsteps approach] - Poppop!
They're here! - Hmm.
Ugh!
[kids pop music plays]
♪♪♪
♪ We like to sing and dance ♪
♪ The happiest fools in all of France ♪
♪ So, put on your shoes, put on your pants ♪
♪ Come sing along to ♪
- Who are you?
♪ Ambumblance! ♪
- No! Take me...
to hoppital.
- Did he say hospital or hoppital?
- He said hoppital, but I think he meant hospital.
- Not again!
[kids pop music]
[sheet rasps on pavement]
[puck clapping rhythmically] [Poppop grunts]
[siren wailing approaches] [Poppop] Ambumblance!
Ambumblance! Ambumblance!
[kids pop music plays]
[Bruce] Maybe we should change our name.
- What? Why? [Poppop] Ohhhh!
♪♪♪
♪ I've been lookin' around awhile ♪
♪ You got something for me ♪
♪ Oh, I've got a brand new pair of roller skates ♪
♪ You've got a brand new key ♪
[fan whooshes]
[music skips, needle scratches]
- [energetic] And you're back with MotorMouth in the Morning,
that was Melanie's "Brand New Key".
Let's take a look at the traffic.
[button clicks, cars screeching and crashing]
[horns honking]
[Man] Learn to drive, you jerk!
- Cross-town traffic today is slow to moderate,
and only vaguely human.
And that's the traffic for this Tuesday
on MotorMouth in the Morning!
♪ Good morning ♪
[cars honking] [Woman] I'm walkin' here!
- Well, it looks like we've got a caller!
[key clicks]
Hello, you're on the air with MotorMouth in the Morning!
[computer recording] Hello,
are you happy with your current internet provider?
- Well, since my internet provider has been vaporized,
I'd have to say I'm not entirely happy.
- I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
Please answer yes or no. - No!
- Please hold and you'll be connected
with the first available sales representative.
[call clicks off, dial tone drones]
[fan whooshes]
[key clicks, dial tone ends] - Thank you for your call.
Once again, this is Melanie with "Brand New Key."
♪ Well, I've got a brand new pair of roller skates ♪
♪ You've got a brand new key ♪
♪♪♪
[sirens wail, cars honk, door opens and shuts]
[thunder rolls, rain patters]
- There was such a crowd
at the grocery store today.
Huh!
[deep inhale] They completely ran out of tuna in oil!
[sighs] Sometimes I just don't get the world.
But you do.
Don't you, Shakespeare?
"The web of our life is of a mingled yarn,
good and ill together."
Wow. You really get me.
What? It says here that you were a terrible speller!
[giggles]
So am I! Oh, wow.
[sighs] So alike, you and I.
Hmm.
[deep inhale] Well, time for sleep.
Or how did you put it?
"Sleep that knits up the raveled sleeve of care."
God, I wish we could have been friends.
Thad and Shakespeare.
Hmm, sorry!
Shakespeare and Thad, of course.
[sighs] Ah, well.
"Sleep that puts each day to rest."
Good night, you brilliant guy.
[light clicks off, opera music plays]
[footsteps recede]
[thunder booms]
[lightning zapping]
[loud crackling]
[light clicks on] [Thad] Ah!
Oh, my God!
- What is this? - Ah!
[gasping]
- I live. - [laughs in disbelief]
- Who hath given me the sweetest gift of life?
- It's me! It's me!
Oh, Shakespeare, I prayed for you to be alive!
Oh, I'm Thad!
- Thank you, most blessed Thad.
- [giggling]
[blood splatters violently, both screaming]
[blood splattering, both continue screaming]
[blood splattering]
[Thad stutters in panic]
[splattering stops] - Get away from me, demon!
Argh! Argh! - Don't bite me!
I'm trying to help you!
[Woman] What is going on in there?
- Oh! [Woman] It's 3:00 a.m.!
- Nothing! [blood splattering]
[Both continue screaming]
[intense violin music]
[items clatter, Thad grunts]
Ugh! [blood stops squirting]
Okay, is... is that better?
- Oh yes, Thad, you have staunched my bloody geysers.
Thad, thank you.
- Ah, please. - Oh.
[squirting resumes, intestines thud]
[Shakespeare screams] [Thad screams]
[Shakespeare] Whither be my legs?!
- Oh, God! Oh, God, I'm so sorry!
- [screams uncontrollably] - [babbling indistinctly]
[screaming]
[intestines squish, Shakespeare screams]
- I'll put it back in. - Ahhhh!
[teeth chomp, ear rips, Thad screams]
[spits fiercely, blood and ear splatter]
[door creaks open]
Ah, gosh. [door shuts]
It was so busy at the grocery store,
I can't-- [Shakespeare] [laughs loudly]
[Man shouting and screaming on a video]
- [laughing] [footsteps approach]
[laughing continues]
- Ugh! - [laughs]
- Why are you watching this stupid show again?
- Fuck off!
I like it. It's amazing.
[club whooshes, man screams]
- Ha! Ha! Hilarious!
- Don't you wanna write something great?
- Hey, why don't you fuckin' write something, huh?
I already wrote everything. [Man screams on video]
- Did you get my sardines?
- Well, uh no, they-they didn't have them,
and I would've had to go all the way to the Metro.
- Then, get thee to the fucking Metro, you fuck!
[Man screams on video]
[legs thunder, men scream in pain]
- [laughs hysterically]
[footsteps thud]
- [sighs] I wish he was as sweet as you, Menudo.
[early Menudo song plays]
Menudo and Thad.
[singing in Spanish]
[music turns sinister, dark]
[Announcer] Friends of "Kids in the Hall"
Number 74: Ron.
- I mean, I was a big fan of the Kids.
Big fan. I remember hangin' out with them backstage,
you know, eatin' grapes,
all the carryins-on.
Well, I mean, I was near them, you know,
I kinda ate my grapes in the corner,
they didn't really know I was there,
But that's what made it fun! Huh, am I right?
[door opens] [Woman] What are you doing in my house?
- Oh, shoot!
[Announcer] Friends of "Kids in the Hall". Number 74.
- Does this open out or...? [Announcer] Ron.
- Ah, it worked. Got it!
♪♪♪
[crowd chatters, laughs]
[♪ Billy Ocean: "Get Outta My Dreams"]
[Mark] Hey friends, who likes to boogie
and learn about new products?
I think they're called Americans!
♪ Well, get into my car ♪
♪ Oh oh, ohhhhh ♪
[thumps, laughs] - Ohhhh! Ha!
♪ Out of my dreams ♪
[crowd clapping]
♪ Get into my car Oh, oh ♪
[Mark] Woo! [Bruce] What a good group!
- Yeah. - Yeah, what a great group.
- Yeah, and what a great song, huh, Get Outta my Dreams,
what does that even mean? - And into my car?
I can imagine that. - Ha, ha.
- You know what, folks? I have a dream.
- Do you, really? - Yes, I wake up each morning
and I say to myself, "Today, I hope my pants fit."
- I think that's a pretty common sentiment,
am I right, folks? - [crowd murmurs yes]
- Yes, we've been travelling around selling our excellent,
well-priced products and we
know now why they call it "Middle America."
- [laughs] [crowd laughs]
- Do you mind if I tell you a story?
- Would you, please? Huh?
- Okay, so, we were down in Texas.
- A little town called Shithole. You heard of it?
- Shithole, Texas, yeah,
and I met a proud, young American there.
Now, he was morbidly obese,
but not in a way that would eventually kill him.
- Right, right, right, sure. - And he told me,
"Hey, I'd like to diet. Who wouldn't?
But you know, my job, it's nuts!
I'm working 6, 7 hours a day!
By the time I get off work, get drunk and drive home,
I'm so tired, all I can do is eat cheese!"
- I've heard a story like one million times.
[crowd murmurs] It's true. - Yeah, he said, you know,
I'm so busy, I'd love to play with my new child,
but you know, when I get home, all I can think about
is pouring cheese on his head and eating him.
- I bet he tried everything he could to lose weight,
didn't he? - Everything!
- I'm sure he wired his jaw shut.
- Got it done at his local muffler shop.
- I'm sure he had the surgery so his stomach
was the size of a common opera purse.
- Done and done. - I'm sure he tried exercise.
- No, I don't think he tried exercise,
but were you listening to the story?
I mean, come on, the guy's working the call center,
4 or 5 hours a day! - Sure, sure, sure.
- You know, folks, I will never
forget the way that he looked at me
with these cheese-colored tears
dripping down his face,
which he wiped away and ate,
and he said that things had gotten so bad,
that he was starting to consider the possibility
of going on a diet at some point in the near future.
A diet!! - Ahhh!
Why isn't the government here to solve all our problems?
- Ha, wait a minute, the government?
Hold on there, Karl Marx! - [crowd boos]
- What about good, old fashioned American knowhow?
Why can't someone in this great country
[crowd clapping] invent a product of some kind
to help us deal with all this irksome fat, huh?
[crowd] Yeah! - Well, I have!
- What?! - It's called "The Gut Spigot".
- How does this Gut Spigot work?
- Here, let me show you! [cheesy pop music plays]
[Bruce] See, we are all covered in something called skin.
[Mark] Uh-oh, folks, look out, here comes the science.
Go ahead, Nerd! - And underneath our skin,
we all have between one inch and one yard of fat.
- Yeah! - What the Gut Spigot does,
is it burrows inside and you can literally
drain your fat away! - Ha!
- Fascinating, right? - Yeah, yeah!
Hang on a second; I think we've got a question.
Yes, sir? [Man] I just want to say,
for years, my only form of weight loss
was to shove a Shop-Vac into my belly button.
- Oh! - However, it's disruptive
to my [hushed] intimate endeavors.
[Crowd] Oh, my God!
- You know, this unpaid stranger raises a good point,
I mean, is this Gut Spigot unsightly?
- Not at all! In fact, I'm wearing one right now!
- Oh, what? You are not!
- Yes, I've lost 38 pounds with my Gut Spigot!
- This guy's a fuckin' liar! - No, I'm not!
If you don't believe me, here it is!
- What? [cheesy pop music plays]
Oh, wow, look at that! Hey, come on, folks,
let's give this fat a hand!
Huh? Let's just... [clapping]
Oh, wait a minute, that is heavy!
Hold on a second, Pal.
How-how do I get rid of all that fat once I got it out?
- You burn it. - You burn it?!
- Yup. See, America's addicted to cheese,
but it's also addicted to oil.
With the Gut Spigot, you can solve both problems at once!
[Crowd] Oh! [Mark] Hang on a minute,
are you saying that the solution
to America's dependence on foreign oil lies underneath
the skirts of those big gals we met down in Texas?
- Those were beautiful librarians!
- Hold on! This isn't right! - Wha--??
- We should buy them for the whole family!
Christmas is just around the corner!
[Mark] That's right!
- And if any of these good-looking members
of the audience today have any more questions,
we're staying at the Motel 6. - Actually, it's the Motel 8.
That's two better!
♪ Get outta my dreams ♪
[crowd shouting] [Mark] Oh, yes!
♪♪♪
[footsteps thud on pavement]
[steps slow and stop]
You're only as old as your shoes.
Heh, heh. That's funny.
Wait... maybe not!
[footsteps thud away] [bell over door jingles]
- So, you think these shoes will do the trick, eh?
- Oh, I do! Definitely!
This is what all the young Turks
with a fire in their belly are wearing.
- Really?
- I sold a pair to this one guy in the morning,
and by lunch that day, he had moved from the mailroom
to the Vice President's office. - Hmm,
well, you can't argue with the data.
- These shoes are selling like crazy.
You're lucky I have them in your size.
- Actually, they're a little tight.
- Best I can do.
[bell jingles, shoes squeak]
- [sighs]
[shoes squeak]
[shoes squeaking with steps]
♪♪♪
[shoes squeak]
- Aha! [shoes squeaking]
[cars whooshing]
[shoes squeaking]
[door rumbles, shoes squeaking]
[Danny] Ha, Good morning!
Good morning! Ha, ha, ha.
[hands clap] Ha, ha!
[phones ring, shoes squeak]
[briefcase clatters] - [sighs]
[shoes squeak, feet thud on desk]
[Danny's phone rings]
Husk, here. Oh, yes sir.
I'll be right out.
[receiver clunks down]
Boss wants to see me upstairs!
Looks like I'm movin' on up!
[shoes squeak]
[knock echoes on glass]
- Well, as I live and breathe, Danny Husk,
come on in here, Boy!
[shoes squeak] Have a seat, Danny Boy.
- Okay!
Oh boy. Uh, huh.
- Have a seat there, Dan.
- Uh, whew. Okay. - Have a seat, come on.
- Would you mind if I...? - Oh, no! No.
[chair scrapes] - Here. There we go.
[shoes squeak]
- Alrighty, then. - Yeah.
- Ah, there you go. - [sighs]
- Ha, ha!
- Ah! So... what did you wanna see me for?
- Danny, you're fired!
- Huh...
I don't follow. - Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.
- Oh. - I left out a chunk.
There's been an anonymous complaint, Danny,
and you're fired. - A complaint?
- Yep. - About-about what?
- Well, it's about your shoes, Dan!
- My shoes? - Hmm.
- Well, that's ridiculous, everybody loves my shoes.
- No, there's been an anonymous complaint
that says your shoes are an example
of cultural appropriation.
- Who made this complaint?
- I'm not at liberty to say, Dan, it's-it's anonymous.
- Well, I think I need to know! - Well, I can't tell ya, Dan.
- Well, I think I deserve to know!
- Can't tell ya! Can't tell ya. - I'd like to know.
- Well, I think you should tell me.
- Well, I can't tell ya, Dan. - Well, I wanna know.
- Well, I can't say. - Okay.
- All right. - But I think I know who it is.
- Well, I don't think so. - It was Bingo, wasn't it?
[fingers tap on chair]
[Boss] Really doesn't matter who it was, Dan, the point is,
you've been revealed to be culturally insensitive,
and I'm afraid that shit don't fly here, no mo'.
- Well, what if I made one of those public apologies?
- Dan... - Come on.
- Dan, this isn't the 90s. - No, really.
Oh, but sir, I have no dignity. I could really grovel.
- This is it, Dan.
- So, this is it. - Yep.
- Guess I'd better just uh, mosey on out.
- Been quite a ride, Dan! - Yes, it has been, Sir.
- Quite a ride. - Guess I'll just... take off.
- Ha, ha, yeah. Good one, Dan.
- Well, Bingo, no hard feelings.
[water hisses]
- [sighs]
[footsteps clunk] - Danny, let me walk ya out.
- Okay.
[shoes squeaking and clunking]
- Sir? Are you Dutch?
- No, Danny, why do you ask?
[water dripping]
- [sighs] Oh boy.
Well, Danny. - Mm-hmm?
- What do you wanna do now that we're both unemployed?
- Hmm, that's a good question, Sir.
- Yep. You know me, I always dreamed of driving a Gypsy cab.
- Sir, I think you'd be very good at that.
- Oh, well thank you, Danny. - You know what
I find interesting, Sir? - Hmm?
- I've taken Gypsy cabs my whole life.
- Yep. - But I've never once
gotten into one and had a Gypsy driving.
- No. - You think it's racism?
- Probably. Most things are.
♪♪♪
[♪ Melanie: "Brand New Key"] [music skips, needle scratches]
[pot clatters] - [sighs]
[exhales]
[music stops]
[energetic] Hello, Remnants of Humanity,
this is MotorMouth in the Morning reminding you
that if the skates and the key are cherry,
then the singer must be Melanie-e-e-e!
On a personal note,
I'd like to send out birthday greetings to my twins,
who were born four years ago today.
I'll never forget my joy and relief,
when my wife gave birth to that perfect, beautiful baby girl.
Then she birthed the placenta,
which sprouted six crab-like legs
and spun around to reveal a sphincter-like mouth
ringed with razor-sharp teeth.
And before we could react, that monstrous afterbirth
lunged at our baby girl and ate her left arm.
But this story has a happy ending!
For, within a week, the arm grew back, so...
who's the mutant now?
Since then, we've raised them as twins,
but we do keep one of those twins locked
in a storage cupboard. I'll let you guess which one.
[lights buzzing]
- Oh, well it looks like we're down to the last few drops
of fuel in the old generator.
Well, maybe we can squeeze in one last listen
to Melanie and "Brand New Key"
on Motormouth in the Morning.
♪ Well, I've got a brand new pair of roller skates ♪
S You've got a brand new key ♪
♪ I think that we should get together ♪
♪ And try them out, you see ♪
♪ I've been lookin' around awhile ♪
♪ You got something for me ♪
♪ Oh, I've got a brand new pair of roller skates ♪
♪ You've got a brand new key ♪
[record skipping]
♪ I ride my bike ♪
♪ I roller skate, don't drive no car ♪
♪ Don't go too fast but I go pretty far ♪
♪ For somebody who don't drive ♪
♪ I've been all around the world ♪
♪ Some people say, I done all right for a girl ♪
♪ Yeah... yeah ♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪
[fan groans, lights buzz]
[lyrics slow, music stops]
[fan whooshes rhythmically]