Mm-hmm. Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- It's all going so fast.
Ah, so,
would you like to know the sex of your baby?
- Oh, no. No, no, we don't. - No, no, no, no.
We're having a gender reveal party.
- Oh, wonderful!
Although, there are a few things that I see on the screen
that I would like to talk about.
- Oh, no, no, no, no! - Uh-uh.
- We don't, we really don't wanna know anything
about our baby until the party.
- Well, that would be inadvisable in this case.
- Well, if our friends can wait, so can we, you know.
- Yeah. - Well, your friends
aren't having a baby. - Don't mansplain me.
- I'm a woman.
- Put the picture in the envelope.
- Fine. There we go. - Thank you. Let's go!
- Good luck.
No, no, no.
- Do it! - Okay, okay, okay, okay.
All right, all right,
the moment we've all been waiting for.
Okay, ready?
Ah! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- It's a boy! It's a boy! - Wait, wait.
- What's that? Oh, what's it say?
- "With the head of a mouse."
But how?
- Oh, hey! - What, what?
- Could you get the um... - Hmm? Really?
- in the drawer, yeah. - Okay.
Yeah, all right.
Ow! - What?
- I just thought I saw something.
- What? - Hello.
And little did that mouse realize
that he would become a coparent that very night.
And that child?
That child grew up to be a famous Disney character.
I needn't say his name, as it's sort of obvious.
And also, I'm not allowed to.
In fact, in fact, in fact,
I am the youngest person to ever receive
a cease-and-desist letter from the Disney Corporation.
Oh, did you know that I have a theory
about conspiracy theorists?
They don't exist!
It's all a government conspiracy.
One time, one time,
I put my dog's X-rays on top of mine
to see what it would look like
if my dog lived inside of me.
- Okay, quiet time, now.
- Aren't you a little old to be having a baby?
- Aren't you a little old to be playing a kid?
- Well, the elephant just landed.
Speaking of elephants, they don't forget...
or forgive.
Average Weekend"]
Bruno Puntz Jones, open the door!
- Francesca Fiori,
the door is unlock. Open it yourself.
- Bruno, don't be such a bisha.
- Don't be such a taxing woman.
I'm just about to go enjoy my bathing with the bubbles.
- Ay! Bath, huh?
Is not for me.
We have not done the dirty deed in forever!
- Francesca Fiori,
we have sex yesterday!
- Only one time.
Bruno? What is this?
I hope you have explanate.
- This is for you, my darling.
- Ha! - It's breakfast. Eat!
- Is for me, huh? - Hmm.
- Is for me? - Si.
- Then Bruno, make love to me, now!
On the floor! - Please!
Let me have my grapefruit.
- Always the excuse, huh?
I make love to my lover two hour ago,
and now I'm ready to go again.
- I kill him!
- I kill her!
Bruno? I think we have a problem.
- What? No. No, no.
Don't catastrophize.
That... I just forget to turn the tap off.
Bruno! I need my toes cleaned!
- And I forget a woman in the tub.
- Bruno, we need to see
a couples counselling, now!
- Francesca Fiori,
it's00 in the morning.
- Hmm. Now.
Not in New York!
But who will see us on such short notice?
- I had a hunch.
Meet Dr. Otis Melanchoir,
world-renowned sex therapist.
- Welcome to your new home...
Cookie and Mr. Sparks.
I've never had roommates before.
Just pay your share of the rent!
But seriously...
mi casa es su casa.
Do you wanna play?
You're right, keep eating, keep eating.
Look at us...
three cool cats.
You're right, two cool cats. Keep eating, keep eating.
Cookie? Mr. Sparks?
Hey, kitties!
I just wanted to say goodnight!
Hmm. Curious.
I can hear you!
Where are my babies?
Hmm.
Curious again.
Oh, my God!
And Mr. Sparks was my favorite.
The reason I wanna hire a private investigator
like yourself, is because I want you to follow someone.
- Well, that's what I do.
I follow people.
- Now, this may seem odd, but I'm just come out
and say it.
Deep breath, Parker!
I want you to...
follow my cats!
- Okay.
What I think I heard you say was...
This may sound odd,
but I'm just gonna come out and say it.
Deep breath, Parker!
I want you to...
follow my cats!
- That is correct. And good impression!
- Thank you.
Do your cats look anything like this?
- Yes! It's... it's almost uncanny.
- Hmm.
- Hello, Kitties!
I'm home!
This was no accident.
Yes, Detective. I...
I believe my two cats killed this man.
- Why didn't you come to us earlier?
- A man's dead 'cause you didn't come to us first!
- Do you think it's still the same two cats?
- Maybe. - See, here's what they do.
They get themselves adopted by some lonely, old guy,
some very lonely, lonely, friendless guy,
who wanders around mostly in slippers,
some very lonely, pathetic guy.
- And then, they pounce like cats!
- And kill him. - Oh, my God!
I would consider Philippe Winger from work a friend.
- Mr. Winger does not like you.
We interviewed him.
Hey my... my gun's gone! The cat's got my gun!
- Everybody down!
- I found it.
I dropped it in the car. - Oh.
- Don't beat yourself up. These things happen.
You need to get one of those snaps on your holster
so you know that... my gun's gone!
- Everybody down!
Calling all cars! Officer down!
Shots fired by a cat!
Suspects are two long-haired Persians
with a Smith and Wesson. Oh, God! No!
- Nooooooo!!
- So, I'd like to start by asking you both
a few questions. Francesca?
- Si. - What do you think of
when you think about sex with Bruno?
- Ah! His hideous cock.
Hmm.
And what makes it so hideous? - Well, Doctor,
when he gets excite, it fill with blood.
- Well, that's normal.
- We're talking about a lot of blood. Here.
- I'm already working on... one.
- So much blood, sometimes it bleeds.
- Oh, like some sort of penile stigmata.
- Si. So, Doctor, it's very hard to be in the mood, huh?
When you always think about the Baby Jesus.
- Who else has seen this miracle penis?
- Well, just us, and uh, the Pope.
- The Pope. - And uh, oh, the pilgrims.
- Ah, the pilgrim. - Yes.
- Bruno,
what do you think of...
when you think about sex with Francesca?
- Well, let me tell you something, Doc.
- Aw.
- I think about the Macedonian insurgence.
- Ah.
- I think about my sweet mother, on fire.
- Hmm.
- I think about Francesca's mouth,
with a whole extra set of teeth.
- Mm.
- Have you ever tried pornography?
- Well, once when I was young,
I make 200 films. - Three.
- Watching pornography.
- Ah. - Watching, oh no.
- To watch, to watch, no. - No, it's terrible stuff.
- Now, now, now, one time. - We did, that's true.
We did one time, we did watch. - Don't like.
- No, we did not like. No. - Because we...
we think it was pretentious.
- Very. You know, it's like the girl, she order a pizza,
the pizza guy come, and she just have sex with him.
Nobody pay for the pizza. What's gonna happen
when he goes to pizzeria? - No.
- He's gonna get fired. This is terrible.
- Is bad. She don't even eat the pizza.
- No.
- You know, I think the problem could be one of relaxation.
- Ay. - Ay?
- Have you ever thought about having sex,
before you have sex?
- Really?
- Do you think it could work?
- I do.
- You don't mind if I watch, do you?
- We insist. - Yes. Insist.
Hey, Honey!
- Jack! You're home early. Have some wine.
- Ooh, that sounds like a lovely idea.
- It is!
- And it also sounds like a very appropriate idea.
- Oh?
- 'Cause I have a big surprise for you.
- Really? Well, what is it?
- You know that house you've been looking at?
Well...
I bought it.
Cheers!
- Sorry, what house? - Your dream house.
The one that you love, you know the house
you've been going on and on about?
- I uh, I really don't know what house
you're talking about, Jack. - Oh Honey, sure you do.
Remember yesterday, we were driving home
and we passed that house for sale, and you said
"I wonder what that goes for?" - Yeah?
- Well, now we know. $1.2 Million.
Cheers!
- $1.2 million, are you joking? - Well, Honey,
it's not like I could haggle.
I wanted to close the deal today.
- Jack, that was just idle curiosity.
It was... it was chit-chat.
- Well, it didn't seem like idle chit-chat.
Bordered on an obsession.
- Jack! We can't buy that house!
That would be crazy.
- Well, of course not, Honey.
Oh, thank God. - Yeah, we can't buy a house
we already bought, that would be crazy.
- Oh shit.
- And I gotta be honest with you, when you're actually
in that place, it's not as nice as it looks from the street,
as you're quickly driving by. - Uh huh.
- Yeah, it's a lot smaller than you'd think,
and there's a fair amount of pretty severe structural damage.
But I knew it would break your heart not to have it. So...
Cheers!
- Stop clinking my goddamn glass!
- You're right, Honey.
There'll be plenty of time to celebrate later.
Right now, we have got to pack!
- Pack?
- Yep.
The new owners wanna start moving in here tomorrow.
- What are you talking about? - Well, Honey,
I had to sell this house to buy the new house, right?
And to be honest with you, I didn't really get as much
for this place as I could have because I'm, what they call,
"highly-motivated seller."
All in all, we lost about $160 Grand.
But it wasn't entirely your fault.
- Jack.
- Hmm? - Stop packing.
- We don't have a lot of time. We gotta get on top of this,
Sweetheart. We really need... - Come here. Come here.
...to do this. Hun. - Come here.
- Honey, we really, we don't have time,
we gotta get everything-- - Look into my eyes.
- Oh, but I-I don't... - Jack?
- Uh huh?
- I'm not leaving this house. Do you hear me?
- But you have to! - I'm not.
- But-but-but you- - No. Mm-mm.
- But the people... - No.
- It'd be trespassing if you-- - No, Jack.
I'm not leaving here.
- You have to fix this. - Well, I have to say...
I'm a little startled by your ingratitude.
- My what? - Your ingratitude, Sandra!
I mean, I mean, look what I did!
Look what I did! I...
I sold this house,
the house that I love, I sold it for you.
And did I think it was crazy?
You bet your ass, I thought it was crazy!
But I did it anyway! I did it for you!
Are you crazy? - Am I crazy? Seriously?!
- Yes! Seriously! Are you, I mean...
I don't even know who you are right now.
You know what? Maybe we should just call it quits.
- Fine by me, you little piece of shit fuck!
- All right, great. You know what?
You can keep the new house.
I mean with my allergies and all that black mold,
I can't even breathe in that place.
- What's the address?
- Ah! - Ah!
- So, how was it? - Well...
we do the pre-sex. - Mm-hmm.
- And then we do the sex-sex. - Ah.
- And it's very relax. - Almost no violence.
- And very little blood.
- Thank you Dr. Melanchoir.
You have saved our divorce.
- Here, let me freshen your drink.
- Well, I haven't had any... yet.
Glad I could be of service.
Do you mind if I use your bathroom for about 12 minutes?
- Of course!
- What was that for?
- For what you're about to do. - What am I about--
- That was for Bruno.
I missed! - I'm not complaining.
Only need eight minutes.
- So, Francesca Fiori,
are you ready for the post-sex-sex?
- I am now. - Ay.
- Mwah.
- Ay.
I'm so hot.
Friends of "Kids in the Hall"
Number 311, Jillian.
- Raccoons are super cute!
But every day,
I see so many of them as roadkill,
and it makes me super sad!
And then,
I get to thinking about the math of it,
and I'm like...
if I am seeing that many raccoons
on my little stretch of highway,
every single day,
how many fuckin' raccoons
are there out there anyway?
It's like, is there some big, fuckin' like...
raccoon mothership,
just like squirting out babies
in the forest behind my house, or what?
It scares the shit outta me.
It should scare the shit out of everyone.
And then, they have those little masks.
And they eat your trash.
Friends of "Kids in the Hall"
Number 311, Jillian.
- I've been here an hour.
Where is the target?
Relax, Mr. Potter.
I'm confident that our target will present themselves
before too long. - But...
- I'm not paying you to say "but" to me, Mr. Potter.
I am paying you vast amounts of money
to scan the conversations around you
until you hear our target say the code words.
And when they do, to eliminate them!
Understood?!
- Understood.
Well, you know, I told her.
So, you were telling me where you work.
Yes, I work for the government. That's what I do.
- But what is it you do, do?
- You said "doo doo". - Did I?
- Yeah! He said "doo doo"!
- He said "doo doo". He did! - He said "doo doo".
He said "doo doo"!
- Everyone has said it.
Everyone has said the code word.
- Then kill them all. - But...
- Ah, that word again!
- Which is my target? - Doo doo.
It's amusing to me, Mr. Potter,
that you seem to have all the time in the world
to say, "but, but, but" to me, repeatedly,
but apparently no time... - Doo doo!
- ...to simply draw and point the invisible weapon...
- Doo doo! - That I furnished you with
and execute our agreement.
- Do it!
Did you hear that? He said "doo doo".
- Ungh!
- Invisible gun!
Uh! uh... no!
Huh? Ungh!
No! No, no! No, no!
Wah! Ah!
All units be on the lookout
for a suspect possibly dressed as a delivery man.
You've finished the job, Mr. Potter.
- Yes. - Good.
- Approach me.
Oh, don't worry, Mr. Potter.
Unlike your conscience, my hands are clean.
You can count it, if you like.
- No need.
Damn it. I need to know why I killed
a dozen people today.
- Because they said,
"You said 'doo doo'" of their own free will.
Those vulgarians made their choice,
and now they're dead.
- You killed them for a silly joke?
- Joke!? Look about this room, sir.
I do not joke about my ablutions, Mr. Potter.
The very fabric of society
unravels every time another subhuman
descends to the level of a witless toddler,
to retort to the question,
"What is it that you do do?"
Toilet humor...
is not comedy!
- So, they all had to die?
- Yes. All of them.
And, I hope you like working, Mr. Potter,
because you are going to kill
every single person
that says...
"You said 'doo doo'."
Invisible knife!?
Why?!
- You said "doo doo".
- I'm allowed to say it!
I'm commenting on the phenomenon,
not endorsing it!
What have you done?
You've killed me!
Ugh! Ugh!
- Did I kill you?
Or did I Ass-Ass-inate you?
- Noooo!
to the Ball Game"]