Nobody is even here.
What’s the point in them coming here now?
We’ve made it clear that we don’t want a divorce. So, that’s that.
Why does your username say Rajni?
I’d used her password once.
One second, why are you so dressed up?
No reason. Just like that.
How was your day?
I had a very shitty day. I bet a lot of money on Turkey and lost it all.
Is this the time to talk about Turkey, Sujin? Today is my birthday!
Oh shit! So when I was cutting onions earlier, my eyes were watering more than usual.
I was wondering what I’d screwed up. Fuck! I’m so sorry.
You’ve never forgotten my birthday.
Even when you were in jail.
I wasn’t in jail. I was in a reality show called, “Would This Actor Survive In Jail?”.
It was on Plus TV, hosted by Baba.
Oh shit! Shilpi.
It’s not Shilpi.
How do you know?
Go and see. Before you’ve even checked, “Shilpi”.
Okay.
There’s a limit.
Oh my god!
She sent me a cake.
Shilpi didn’t send you the cake. Why is she always your first thought?
I sent you that cake.
Fuck, man!
Oh, I’m so sorry, Dhanka.
Thank you. This is so sweet, baby.
Thank you.
I’m not talking to you.
Dhanka…
I’m sorry. It’s my birthday, please.
Okay, fine. Because it’s your birthday.
I never forget your birthday, okay?
Happy birthday. Sorry, forgot to wish you.
Thank you. How did you manage to do this in the middle of the lockdown?
You know me… I mean, Shreshtha has a client - Choice Bakery.
He lost money betting, and couldn’t pay up,
So Shreshtha is getting his payment in cake.
Wow… it says, “Happy birthday Shashank”.
Shashank?
Shreshtha! It says “Happy birthday Shashank” on the cake.
This is what happens when you get things done for free.
Tell him this cake is cancelled. It won’t count as payment.
It’s okay. There must have been confusion thanks to the lockdown.
The thought though, is lovely.
How is it lovely? Somewhere in Mumbai, Someone called Shashank is cutting your cake.
Will you just sing for me?
Yeah, I’ll sing for you.
Which song?
Happy birthday. “Which song?”
Oh, of course. Happy birthday. Sorry.
I thought maybe “Tere Naam” or something.
Wait. Mocha, what are you doing? Do you want to die?
Go throw that box in the bin. Then wash and sanitize your hands
And after all that, eat the cake.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I know. Sorry. You just don’t get it.
I forgot, in all this excitement.
(sings a song from Tere Naam)
Happy birthday… I don’t like this tune.
Done.
Sing for me.
Yeah… did you wash?
Yeah! Sing now.
I think there is…
Hi there!
Hello.
Hi.
Okay… huh… yes. Let’s sing.
Sing, sing.
Happy birthday to you…
You also sing.
Happy birthday.
Sure, join in. Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday, dear Radhika! Happy birthday, dear Radhika!
Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!
Yay! Thank you.
Brother, who are you?
Sir, I’m Mohit.
Mohit?
Sir, isn’t this ICBI Bank’s Regional Sales Call, for the Eastern Region?
This isn’t an ICBI Bank call! This is a personal call.
We are celebrating someone’s birthday. You even sang along. What is this?
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. My bad.
Sir, if my team leader Shavish shows up, please let him know that the target…
…for this quarters’ earnings will not be met.
Happy birthday, ma’am
Thank you, Mohit. Thank you for being there.
You’re thanking this guy? People are absolutely crazy.
How can they barge into someone’s home and sing happy birthday?
People just don’t seem to understand the concept of social distancing
Let it go. Don’t get bogged down by these silly things today.
Tell me, what’s the first thing you’ll do when you come back to me?
The first thing I’m going to do is teach you how to wash your hands properly
You came back so soon from washing your hands. I’m worried.
So, I have the apparatus, uh… I was washing the vegetables, so… uh… I have water.
Dhanka!
Now, we apply water to hands like this.
No, wait. Watch and learn. Now we add a little soap.
Just like this, and then we have to make a creamy lather with the soap.
It should be nice and frothy.
Wow.
See, nice and frothy.
Yes.
Fuck, I’ve got such pretty hands.
Okay.
I should be a hand model.
Dhanka, you have the best hands, baby.
Now, we make this lather even more creamy.
Yes, more creamy, Dhanka
Yes, I will make it more creamy.
Yes.
And we have to get it even thicker.
Need some more water.
Wow.
Your fingers…
Fuck, look at my fingers.
Yes.
Yeah, they’re damn long, man.
We need more bubbles.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes Sujin! I want more fucking bubbles, Sujin!
I will give you more bubbles.
Yes! Yes!
I will give you bubbles.
Bigger bubbles!
Big bubbles!
Yes, I want bad bubbles, baby.
Bubbles. More bubbles
Wow!
Make bubbles Sujin, you bastard!
Oh god! Yes, Sujin.
Yes! More bubbles for you.
Oh my god! Yes! More bubbles. More bubbles. Bubbles, Sujin…
Bub… Sujin?
Sujin?
Suj - what the fuck?
Sujin! You always do this. Just when I’m about to cu -
Today is my birthday.
Happy birthday.
How was your birthday?
Now where the hell is Mr. Thakkar?
Mr. Thakkar?
Oh… sorry.
I know this isn’t a private line, but I had no other way to contact you, so…
Mr. Tripathi, don’t you think this is an odd way to ask for my private number?
I don’t want anything private from you. I… just… look… there’s been a misunderstanding.
I just want to clear it up.
Sure, I’m all alone in this house and I’ve had a few whiskeys.
But that doesn’t mean I’m going to give in to whatever you want so easily.
No, madam. I just wanted to discuss how to get our clients back together.
Look, everything is tight here. I mean, money-wise.
Chinjabi has shut down too.
Oh yes, of course.
I’m serious. Why are you laughing?
I can read men, Tripathi. Right from school.
When my classmate looked at my tiffin and said, “oh, what do you have for lunch?”.
I knew exactly what he was trying to say then.
What?
Can I kiss you?
Or when Judge Thakur said, “oh this is against the constitutional law”.
I knew exactly what he meant by that.
What?
I’m would leave my wife for you, if I could.
Tripathi, I’ve learned how to live in a world with men like you.
Madam… madam, tell me something. The first time you met your husband…
…you said he’d only find your phone, if you agreed to dinner with him.
So what did he say to you exactly?
He looked at me, and he said, “Tell me the place and the time you last saw your phone”.
I told him it was at Copper Chimney restaurant, at 8pm.
You know what he asked me next?
What?
Copper Chimney restaurant? 8pm?
He was writing an FIR!
Maybe. But I can understand his mind.
So I said to him, “Okay, no problem. I am willing to have dinner with you”.
First, he looked a bit confused and shocked.
Please, Mr. Tripathi. Why are you men so obvious?
Madam. Madam, it could also be the case that every man in the world isn’t crazy about you.
It is a possibility.
That’s impossible, Tripathi. Look at you, for example.
You want to buy the flat. That’s why you want them to get a divorce, right?
Yeah… I mean…
You are the only buyer. There’s no other Chinese buyer, correct?
In a way.
So, why don’t you tell me straight up. “Rajni, please move in to the flat with me”.
No- what? You were right about the first two things, but where did you get this last idea?
Men read texts. Women, we read subtexts. And you’re giving away clue after clue-
“Oh, Mr. Thakkar”. “Cheetah”. “Tiger”.-
Madam, I’m not giving away any clues. I’m totally clueless myself.
Look, more subtext.
Why don’t you just tell me, Mr. Tripathi. “Rajni, I’m crazy about you”.
Madam, there is no subtext. What I am saying is what I am saying.
There is nothing behind the text, nothing under the text.
There is no sub text whatsoever.
Look.
We will get on a video call with our clients and explain why this divorce is essential.
Why is it essential?
Because, whatever happens, this marriage will fall apart.
Before Sujin’s grandmother changes her mind, let’s get this flat sold at a discounted price.
You go ahead and buy it. We’ll also get paid our legal fees.
Two in one.
Superb.
But before that, we’ll have to talk to our clients in private.
What should I say to my client?
Tell Radhika that Sujin is more obsessed with his face, and not hers.
And you?
I’ll explain to Sujin that his whole life, he’ll always be second to Shilpi.
Brilliant! You are a brilliant lawyer! This is fantastic.
You’re trying to seduce me again?
No! I’m not trying to seduce you. I’m just admiring your legal skills. -
Listen to me. At this time, I can’t move into that flat with you, and I cannot have your babies.
My babies? No no! I hate children!
Mr. Tripathi, in a couple of months, when we’re successful, ask me again.
Madam, can I ask you one last question?
Tell me, all these husbands you’ve had, are they actually missing or did they run away?
What sort of question is that? Why would they run away?
Even the police was asking me this question.
Madam, I beg you, please… please keep it professional.
My CA said the exact same thing. “Madam, please, please, let’s keep it professional”.
But I was well aware of his secret desires.
Madam, it’s possible that he had no secret desires?
Really? Then when I told him I was ready to have a drink, why did he decide to commit suicide?