Ah, I can't raise him. I didn't sign up for this.
Yeah, well, neither did he.
I got you the gig. What gig?
Father Mike needs us to save the church,
and your music's gonna do it.
I understand you're finally considering adoption for Clyde.
Who told you that?
I promised I wouldn't say. It was Ben.
Are we ready to sing?
ALL: Yeah! [CHEERING]
[CELL PHONE ALARM SOUNDING] What the hell's going on?
It's an AMBER Alert.
I didn't get an AMBER Alert.
[GRUNTS]
Okay, wait a second, let me...
Let me get this straight.
You're telling us that you gave him the baby
and then you called an AMBER Alert on him?
Yes, Your Honor.
No, no, no. I'm not a... Never mind.
Why?
'Cause they weren't home.
Why'd you give them the baby in the first place?
I... I was just so desperate,
and, well, Clyde and Sam are brothers,
so it seemed like a no-brainer.
I bet "no-brainer's" gonna come up a few times in your report.
Wait, you two guys are brothers?
Oh, no, no, no. Uh, him and the baby.
You and the baby? Yeah, half-brothers.
He gets to breastfeed. I get this aggravation.
Look, I've been working double shifts
for a week straight.
My other two kids were acting up.
I had to go to Vegas to see Cher.
I... I didn't know what to do.
When I finally got some sleep and came to my senses,
I knew I needed to get Clyde home.
Why didn't you just call me?
Well, I did, but your number didn't work.
She got you there, Loudermilk.
He just got a new burner phone.
But despite that and his appearance,
he is not a drug dealer.
[FRANZ FERDINAND'S STAND ON THE HORIZONPLAYS]
♪♪ ♪♪
And then when I went to your apartment
and no one was there...
[GASPS] I panicked.
I'm sorry.
I feel horrible about all of this.
I... I just... I just wanted my baby back.
Officers, I've heard enough.
I'm gonna sue this department for false arrest,
excessive force, damage to reputation,
and lost wages.
All right, New Guy, calm down, okay?
These guys were just doing their job.
Doing their job? They humiliated you in a public setting!
Not the first time I've been humiliated in public.
Besides, this is not about me. This is about Clyde.
[SIGHS] Well, we're very sorry for the inconvenience,
Mr. Loudermilk.
And, uh, now that we got the full story,
you're free to go.
Okay.
And if you ever need any help
with a traffic ticket or something,
give us a call on your burner and we'll... We'll look into it.
You'll look into it?
We'll get it done.
Thanks.
Where's Clyde?
He's in the other room, and, uh, we'll be sending him home with you
once we get you to fill out a few more forms, okay?
Great. All right.
Wait. No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You... You can't send him home with her.
He's much better off with me.
Yeah, but she's the mom.
So what? She's batshit crazy.
You can't send her home with a baby.
It's not up to us.
If you wanna take her to court, that's something else,
but I promise you, you'll lose.
We've seen this thing a million times.
The baby always goes with the mom.
Yeah, she's not abusive or an addict.
I mean, she's a nitwit, but that ain't a crime.
[LAID-BACK MUSIC]
Listen, Annette, if you ever get overwhelmed again,
you can always just call me.
I'll come and pick him up.
Yeah, of course. Uh, you're Clyde's brother.
You can have him as much as you want,
anytime you want, whenever you want,
except for weekdays.
Thanks, um...and no more calling the cops, right?
Deal.
[CLYDE COOS]
Bye. [ENGINE TURNS OVER]
Bye, Clydey.
[SNIFFLES]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪♪ ♪♪
But anyway, Clyde's gonna be with his mother now,
and I... I still get to see him.
But I'm sorry about that.
It was just a simple misunderstanding with the police.
That must be nice to say. [CHUCKLES]
LOUDERMILK: Yeah.
Uh, does somebody have something?
Oh, sorry.
Um, I was watching ESPN, and they had a special on there
about the, uh, "Do you believe in miracles on ice?" thing.
Guys... Guys know what I'm talking about?
Yeah. Of course.
No. No clue.
You remember, the Olympic hockey game
when we beat the Soviets with our college kids?
Mike Eruzione?
Who? Nah, I didn't see it.
Okay, it doesn't matter.
They said on there that that was the first time
that people chanted, "U.S.A., U.S.A."
And when I heard that, I was like...
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
Like, mind blown.
No shit? Wow.
That's totally untrue.
Oh, well, you would know, being a Canuck and all.
Hey, you can't use that word.
What word?
Canuck. It's racist.
They got a hockey team in Canada called the Canucks.
Well, yeah, they can call themselves that, but we can't.
Uh, we're fine with Canuck.
Anyway, U.S.A. put a man on the moon.
Allegedly.
Look, certainly somebody in mission control
would have got up and screamed, "U.S.A., U.S.A.!"
Hey, hey, are you calling Chris Berman a liar?
'Cause if you are, I'm gonna come over and break your other leg.
Yeah, no, New Guy's right.
There must have been some time in the entire history
of this country, before some hockey game,
where people cheered, "U.S.A."
Some hockey game?
Yeah, it was only the biggest victory in American history.
Really?
What about when your people wiped out 90% of my people with smallpox
and put the rest of them in concentration camps?
Bigger.
Different.
I... I mean the hockey game was a little more uplifting.
That's only because it was on TV, you know?
Okay, M... Mugsy, are you getting at something with this?
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm just saying that it must be nice
to win every now and then.
I mean, you know, I don't wanna sound insulting,
but look at us.
We are a bunch of shit-eating losers.
Except for maybe you two.
You never talk, so I don't wanna judge.
All right, Mugsy, let's get real, okay?
This is not about the Miracle on Ice.
This is not about anybody in the room.
This is about you.
What happened to you this week?
Don't think about it, just spit.
Okay. All right.
Well, you know how I've been trying to connect with my kids?
Two of 'em haven't called me in a couple of weeks.
We were getting together. We're having fun...
And then nothing.
Okay. Did you call 'em back?
That's not my place.
Oh, fuck. This again.
Calling your kids isn't your place?
It's exactly your place.
I'm supposed to call them when they don't call me back?
Yeah, you are. Yes, you call and you call
and call and you keep calling,
and if they don't call you back, that's on them.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
♪♪ ♪♪
Hey, that was kind of a bummer meeting in there, huh?
Unlike the usual dance out on rainbows kind?
Yeah.
You ready for some good news?
You're gonna start paying rent on time?
Ha-ha. Very unlikely, no.
I'm getting back into the game,
and I could use your help.
Check this out.
What is this, an old ambulance?
Yes, my friend, it is an old ambulance,
and it is also a future food truck.
Where the hell did you find this?
Greg's List.
You can buy an ambulance on Craigslist?
No, Greg's.
It's like Craigslist but for the dark web.
You guys talking about how much you miss me?
How could I miss you when you're in my apartment all the time?
Seriously, what's up?
Ben has an insane plan to start a food truck business.
No, it's not insane.
I just figured that I'd use some of the money that I made
from the lullaby videos on YouTube
to get back in the game and start cooking again.
Well, how much money did you make?
$67.
That's not gonna get you a food truck.
No, no, it won't, but that and my alimony will.
Memphis is still paying you alimony?
Mm-hmm. Got a real good deal too.
She really wanted out.
Well, since I paid her alimony
and she's paying you alimony,
I guess I'm buying this fucking ambulance.
Exactly. See?
So I... I need you to come with me to make sure that I get a good deal.
This is a stupid idea.
Why is it so stupid, Loudermilk?
Ben was a chef, food trucks are everywhere.
I think it's a great idea. You're not helping.
Oh, come on. Please come with me, Sam.
You know I'm a terrible negotiator.
I'll do it for 500 bucks. Deal.
Holy shit, you're a bad negotiator.
[MELLOW MUSIC]
I tell you what.
I got a pretty good feeling about this place.
[GUN COCKS]
Turn around slowly
or I'll blow your goddamn heads off!
What the hell?
This is private property, you sons of bitches.
No, we spoke on the phone earlier
ab... Ab... Ab... About the used ambo.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Ben, right?
Sorry about the shotgun, but it's the only way
I can really sort out serious inquiries.
I'm sure it's not the only way.
Well, it's the best way. Okay, right over here, ladies.
Stop doing that.
Okay, you guys are gonna love her, all right?
She's a beauty, she's a keeper,
and she's all yours for three grand.
Deal.
Wait, hold on a minute.
You want $3,000 for that old piece of shit?
It's not that old.
Look at the fucking thing. It looks like a Chia van.
Probably got dead bodies in there.
Dude, you're gonna scare her off.
Rats, rodents?
No, no, no, absolutely not,
but due to our proximity to the tuna factory,
we have a serious problem with feral cats.
Everything that you're mentioning is completely workable.
Thank you very much... God damn it.
Stop doing that. Come here.
$3,000 for this thing's fucking crazy.
She's trying to rip you off.
I need this, Loudermilk. Come on.
Look, if I don't take a risk, there's no way to find out if I'll be a success.
Or a complete failure.
[SIGHS]
Tell her we'll do it for $4,000.
She just offered it for three.
Yeah, before you pissed her off.
Will you just shut up and let me do this?
God.
All right, just knock off a hundred bucks and you got a deal.
$2,900. Done and done.
[GUN COCKS]
But you're responsible for cleaning out the cat skellies.
[LAUGHS] Skellies in the ambo...
Stop saying ambo.
[BRIGHT MUSIC]
♪♪ ♪♪
Jesus, a bomb went off in here.
What happened here?
They wrecked the place. Guilty.
I'm Tiger. This is my Sober 4ever group.
And yeah, the "for" in there is the number four.
"Four" what? What's the four stand for?
Forever.
Wait, what?
Again, w... Why would you do this?
So you're the guy that Father Mikey went with instead of me.
Un-fucking-believable.
What are you talking about?
I mean, look at you, man.
You're so out of shape. Who... Who trains you?
The guy with the cane?
He looks like the Michelin Man fucked a Keebler elf.
You're setting a bad example for your group, budro.
He's actually a really great group leader.
Oh, "He's a good group le... He's..." Look at this shit!
Sugar, caffeine.
This stuff is as addictive as crack.
My group, we're all about clean living.
We're drug and alcohol-free.
We're vegan, and we don't take any medication at all.
Yeah, seems like maybe you should.
Yeah, what do you do about the chaffing from all that lifting, bro?
Looks like the only lifting you're doing
is a fork to your face, bro.
What are you talking about?
I'm, like, the third fattest guy in here.
Shut your pasta hole, Luigi!
Shut your pasta... Claire, Claire, Claire.
Look, we're just trying to have a meeting here, okay?
This is supposed to be a safe space.
Yeah, well, not anymore!
Consider yourself warned.
Warned about what?
We're the next evolution in sobriety.
You're weak.
We're better, stronger,
faster, healthier, cleaner, clearer...
You certainly make longer lists.
You sound like a NyQuil ad.
Hmm, the nighttime sniffling, sneezing,
coughing, aching, stuffy-head, fever, so-you-can-rest medicine.
I remember that. God, I miss that stuff.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
[MURMURING]
[CHALKBOARD THUDS]
Look, if any of you want a strong leader,
you just DM me...
@therealstrongerfaster healthiercleanerclearertiger.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪♪ ♪♪
Tiger used to run the group before you came along.
When? You never told me about that.
Well, I was hoping never to see him again.
Thanks to his erratic behavior,
Tiger's license was revoked by Sober Friends.
So I had to get rid of him and bring you in.
He's never forgiven me...
Swore revenge on whoever took his place.
What?
And he spent the last five years in jail
for trying to kill one of his guys
who tried to start his own group.
Mike! You gotta talk to this guy.
Well, I tried while he was in prison.
He never listened to me.
Hey, uh...
I'm sorry, Sam.
I should have told you.
[DOWNBEAT MUSIC]
Well, you guys are looking at my new business.
I'm turning this into a food truck.
ALL: Oh. Really?
What the hell are you gonna call it?
Food truck's gotta have a name.
Uh, Meals on Wheels.
Prescription Lunch. Hot Beef Injection.
Ambu-lunch.
Oh. LOUDERMILK: Those are terrible.
Only thing worse would be Dr. Mealgood.
[AFFIRMATIVE RESPONSES]
Hey. Oh, come on.
I am impressed, man.
I mean, you really thought this through, huh?
Yep, all the way.
How 'bout a state health inspection?
A what now? Or a place to wash
all your pots and pans.
Well, I'll probably just bring 'em home
every couple of days, yeah.
Have you been issued a license to operate a food truck?
Is that different than a regular driver's license?
Look, guys, it's important to remember
this is more of a pop-up restaurant.
I mean, do I really need to fill out all those papers?
Damn right you do. They could hit you
with as high as a $50,000 fine if you break the health code.
$50,000?
Health codes are for pussies.
You know, that would make a fantastic slogan for my truck.
Would you mind if I use that? Mm.
Thank you, Ed.
[LAID-BACK MUSIC]
♪♪ ♪♪
Ben, what the fuck am I looking at?
I hired him.
I needed a driver for Dr. Mealgood,
and I was totally fucking desperate.
And I was broke, zero prospects, and I needed a job, so...
Well, that's the worst meet-cute I've ever heard.
Well, we better get downtown if we wanna beat that lunch rush.
Do you concur? I concur.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Why are you taking the stairs?
You could just jump out a window.
Why the fuck would he say that?
Oh, now that's funny 'cause you tried to kill yourself, remember?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[SIRENS WAILING]
[OVER LOUDSPEAKER] Attention, hungry masses. The doctor is in.
I repeat, the doctor is in.
Holy shit, I think it's working.
Eat two of these and call me in the morning.
Boom. Hey, turn your head and cough...
[KETCHUP SQUIRTS] If you need more ketchup.
Okay.
[HUMS]
You have polio.
No, I'm just messing around. Nobody does anymore.
There's your cheeseburger. [CHUCKLES]
Okay.
[CHEERFUL MUSIC]
What a day that was, huh?
Whoo! Ooh!
Hey, hey. Yeah?
Check that guy out. No, don't look.
Don't look now. Don't look now.
Okay. Okay, look.
By the bench. All right.
What's his deal? I don't know.
But he's eaten here, like, three times already.
You don't think he's a health inspector, do you?
Well, he's definitely something,
and he's coming back.
Okay, visiting hours are over.
Get the... Up and down.
Ben, he's coming, he's coming, he's coming.
He's coming, he's coming.
[ENGINE TURNS OVER]
[TIRES SCREECH]
[SIRENS WAILING]
Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in.
Look, I... I... I just wanted to come down and clear the air.
Uh, Father Mike told me a little bit
about the history between you two,
and honestly, that's for you guys to hash out.
But, uh, I... I just thought that you and I, uh...
I mean, we... We... We may have different approaches,
but ultimately, we want the same thing for our groups.
Oh, yeah? Well, what's that?
Sobriety.
See, that's the problem, cream puff.
Sobriety ain't good enough anymore.
Honestly, I can barely sleep at night
knowing there are groups like yours out there.
It's an affront to everything I believe in.
Oh, sobriety isn't good enough?
No.
Well, I'm sorry, but sobriety's actually asking a lot from my guys.
And every day that they manage it,
I'm proud of 'em.
You know, I'd really love to slam you
in that paunchy gut,
but I also really don't wanna go back to jail.
Dude, you have serious anger issues.
We're just trying to have a civil conversation.
I have anger issues?
I'll chop your fucking head off!
Okay, you don't have anger issues.
Um, all I'm trying to say is that
sobriety's not a competition.
Well, maybe it fucking should be a competition, bro!
Then Abner said to Joab,
"Let the young men arise and have a contest before us..."
Is that the box... No.
No, no, no, no. We're not doing that again.
I'm just saying that perhaps Tiger is right in this case.
Competition can be healthy.
Let's settle this on the field and be done with it.
That's a terrible idea.
All you have to do is beat us,
and we'll leave you alone.
I... I mean, what are we even talking about?
Arm wrestling, street fight, spelling bee?
Spelling bee?
Kickball. What?
Kickball.
Got a taste for it when I was on the inside.
Did you got to prison in a middle school gym?
No, we're not gonna play kickball with you.
Well, then we're gonna keep coming after you
until you shut down your group.
[LAID-BACK MUSIC]
LOUDERMILK: Sorry I'm late.
Where you been?
Well, I went to tell Tiger to leave us alone.
He challenged us to a kickball game,
and then I told him to fuck off, so...
[SIGHS] You know, the usual.
Why? Why what?
Why'd you say no to the game?
Because the guy's out of his fucking tree,
and I don't wanna engage.
And we're not in third grade.
You don't think we can win?
Of course we can't win.
Way to have our backs, Loudermilk.
Look, I have your backs, okay?
Not really.
Come on. Who wants to get humiliated?
Hey, it's like you said about me calling my kids.
It's about trying and trying and trying
even if it doesn't go your way.
God damn it. I did say that, didn't I?
[SIGHS]
You guys all feel this way?
Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I definitely don't feel that way.
Yeah, well, I do.
Plus, it'd be nice to get out of this room,
get some fresh air for a change.
Roger, I bet you're great at kickball, right?
Oh, I get it. Heh.
I'm the British guy, all about football.
So I must be great at kicking, right?
Oh, God, no, no. I just meant because of your incomplete arms,
maybe your legs are stronger.
You know, like how a bat can hear better.
Actually, I am quite good at it,
but it's got nothing to do with my complete,
individually designed, and equal arms.
Oh, I'm sure.
What about you, Ben?
No, no, no can do. Why not?
Yeah, man, with them ham hocks
you have for calves, you could kick the ball off the Earth.
Well, number one, I hate organized sports,
and number two, Dr. Mealgood's got some house calls to make.
So...
Why don't you set up at the park?
Lots of potential customers.
Fine.
All right, if you guys are serious about this,
I'll make the call.
I have his IG handle. That's short for Instagram.
[BRIGHT MUSIC]
♪♪ ♪♪
TIGER: Jacks!
I can't believe you actually showed.
What are you talking about?
I called you ten minutes ago to ask about parking.
Field! Let's go!
All right, let's get this over with.
That... That's it?
There's no classic pep talk, like Miracle
or Soul Surfer or Mighty Ducks Two?
Yeah. It's a kid's game.
You kick the ball. You run around.
You try to score. Hustle!
This reminds me of David
who beat the mighty Goliath with only a stone, a sling, and his faith.
Now that's what I'm fucking talking about.
[EXCITING MUSIC]
♪♪ ♪♪
TIGER: Oh!
Holy shit.
Game on!
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo Yeah!
♪♪ Coo-coo, coo-choo-coo-coo
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
♪♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo, coo [GRUNTS]
Yeah!
♪♪ Coo-coo-coo
♪♪ ♪♪
Yeah! Yeah!
[GROANING]
[CHEERING]
♪♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo
♪♪ ♪♪
Ow! [YELLING]
Yeah!
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo, coo-coo-choo-coo-coo
♪♪ Coo-coo-coo-choo
[GRUNTS]
♪♪ Hoo-hoo ♪♪
Yeah!
♪♪ ♪♪
TIGER: You guys are down 33 to nothing.
Ready to give up?
Hell no.
Heard of comebacks, but this'll take a miracle.
BEN: One miracle coming up.
[CHEERING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Okay, I'll...
All right, Benny! Whoo!
You're gonna get it now. You're gonna fucking get it!
ALL: Yeah! MAN: All right, Ben.
Yeah. Whoo!
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE, WHISTLING]
♪♪ ♪♪
[ALL WHOOPING]
Back it up! Back it up!
[MAN LAUGHS]
♪♪ ♪♪
Oh.
It's a bunt! Scramble!
[ALL SHOUTING]
[CHEERING]
Scramble!
Any of you gonna back that up?
[CHEERING]
♪♪ ♪♪
ALL: [CHANTING] Tony! Tony!
Tony! Tony! Tony!
[GRUNTING]
[CHANTING CONTINUES] Tony! Tony!
It's that guy! Get the...
Get the shit!
[GRUNTS]
Go, go!
Wow!
[ALL CHANTING] Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Okay, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!
Go, go, go, go! Go!
[TIRES SCREECH, SIRENS WAILING]
What are they so happy about?
We fucking destroyed you guys. You're done, man.
You didn't really beat us.
You know, we... We may never be winners,
but at least we're not losers.
And I'll tell you something else.
We love coffee, asshole.
What'd you just say?
And we put sugar in it.
That's a stimulant in a stimulant.
You can't do that. Afternoon, gentlemen.
You, that's assault.
Wh... What? Yeah, you heard me.
We saw you push this man.
He also vandalized our church.
You can't prove that. Yes, we can.
We have a sobriety group. He broke in and trashed it.
We have the whole thing on tape.
I... I didn't break in anywhere.
Tell him, Mike.
Father?
Well, I didn't give him a key.
Okay, you wanna press charges?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Now this is a big misunderstanding.
Look, I can't go back to jail.
You look.
You and the fucking ape brigade tried to shut us down
because we do things a little differently.
And it might not be for everybody,
but it works for us whether you like it or not.
So here's the deal.
I get the cops to back off. You walk away from here.
But if I see you again, we're gonna shut you down.
Okay.
We're not gonna press charges, Officer.
Are you sure? Yeah.
All right then.
If you change your mind, let us know.
Hey, where you guys going?
Hey, good hustle! Good hustle!
Who wants a kale smoothie? Guys?
Thanks a lot for coming.
Okay. Now we're even.
No more favors, okay? Yeah.
You got it? Absolutely, I got it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second here.
My client reserves the right to sue the balls off
your police department.
No, New Guy, shut the fuck up.
We're... We're good. Thanks.
[LOCK CLICKS, KEYS JINGLE]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey. Hey.
How's the ankle? Hurts like hell.
You wanna know what the worst part of this is?
That you don't have health insurance,
and it's probably gonna cost you 50 grand?
You wanna know what the second worst part of this is?
I actually thought that food truck was gonna change everything.
Stupid.
You know what? You took a shot.
What are you gonna do?
Get some rest.
Oh, uh, after you left, there was a guy hanging around.
He gave me a card he wanted me to give you.
He wants you to call him. Oh, fuck.
Yeah, that was the guy I was running from.
Was he wearing glasses? Yeah, yeah, he had glasses.
Ah, damn it! You shouldn't have taken that.
No, no, no. I don't want that.
He's a health inspector, right?
No, he owns a restaurant,
says he's looking for some help,
if you know anybody.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
[WHISPERING] U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.
[ANDY SCHAUF'S THINGS I DOPLAYING]
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ Seems like I should have known better
♪♪ Than to turn my head
♪♪ Like it didn't matter
♪♪ Why do I do the things I do
♪♪ When I know I am losing you?
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ It was supposed to be a surprise
♪♪ Me showing up, you thought I was working
♪♪ Why do I do the things I do
♪♪ When I know I am losing you? ♪♪