We all had terrible childhoods, okay?
I had one, my father had one, you had one,
and your kid's gonna have one.
No, he's not 'cause this fucked-up Loudermilk legacy ends right here.
Is everything okay, Loudermilk?
My dad died.
So I need you to go
to this Sober Friends meeting and pretend to be me.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Do you mind if I sit in?
Hey, look, it's a new New Guy.
One time, I sold the family schnauzer to some neighbors for extra dope money.
There's not a bad song on there,
even though, eight years ago, for some reason,
I crapped all over it.
I don't think she's ever put out another album.
BEN: How do you know where she lives?
LOUDERMILK: 'Cause I followed her home from work.
You're not Lizzy Poole.
[MELLOW MUSIC]
♪♪ ♪♪
Oh, I got your tummy in my hand.
Oh, there's our bus.
Hold up. You gotta take the baby out of the stroller.
What? Why?
For his safety.
Well, wouldn't he be less safe
not strapped in while riding on the bus?
I don't make the rules.
[SCOFFS] Come on!
It's like wrestling an angry wet ham
trying to keep him strapped down.
Can I please just leave the baby in here?
You want to ride on the bus, you gotta take him out.
All right, buddy, come here.
Let's get you out of there.
There we go.
And up we go.
Oh, heads up.
Whoa, that was epic.
I can't wait to check the footy.
Yeah, yeah, epic footy.
Sorry, did I scare your grandson?
My grandson? What the... No.
This is my... It's my roommate's brother.
How old is your roommate?
Well, that's a really good question. I should know this.
He's... Okay, the reason... Okay,
they have an old-ass dad who had a one-night stand
with a somewhat skanky waitress, didn't he?
And then... It's a long story. Forget it.
It's already forgotten, dude.
[BUS BRAKES HISS]
Ah, you made me miss my bus!
Fuck, I was already late for his doctor's appointment.
Dude, chill. I'll take care of it.
Aren't you a little old to be
barrel-assing around on a revved-up kiddie scooter?
I'm cutting carbon emissions, bro.
One block at a time, I'm saving the city.
Uh, no, Batman is saving the city.
You guys are littering the sidewalks with these.
Now let's get this little brother to doctor.
Guess this means I'm Robin, huh?
[CHUCKLES]
You know, I gotta say, this is safer than the bus.
[FRANZ FERDINAND'S STAND ON THE HORIZONPLAYS]
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ Frere Jacques, frere Jacques
♪♪ Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?
♪♪ Sonnez les matines, sonnez les matines
♪♪ Ding, ding, dong, ding, ding, dong
♪♪ Frere Jacques... ♪♪
Okay, okay, when is Jacques gonna wake the fuck up?
Hey, hey, hey, sponge brain, remember?
Besides, he likes my singing.
Well, keep it down, okay?
I'm on hold with the bank.
Somebody's been charging shit to my credit card.
I'm trying to get help.
Yeah, well, you work at the bank. Can't you just go down there?
I did. They told me to call the 800 number.
Oh, okay, and they're helping you?
No, they told me to go to the bank,
so I yelled at 'em and now I'm on hold.
You see, that's another thing with the yelling.
You can't do that. It's bad for Clyde's ears.
What about your singing?
That's probably stunting his growth.
No, he loves it. Don't you, boy?
And, you know, music is good for babies.
It helps them grow their brain cells.
Great, great. Go put on some Pink Floyd, right,
or Travis Scott or J.I.D.
The fuckin' ding-ding-dong song is killing my brain cells.
Big brothers are the worst, aren't they?
Yeah, I know. [KNOCK AT DOOR]
♪♪ Someone's knocking, someone's knocking ♪♪
Let's hope it's child services with a gag order.
Hi. Hi.
Sorry, I'm late. It's just, you know, everything.
So, Sam, did your buddy have a great morning?
Yeah, he did. He ate a big bowl of cereal and napped,
took an enormous dump that he was very, very proud of.
Wow. Good job, Clyde.
No, I'm talking about Ben.
I'm doing a cleanse.
Have you ever done a cleanse?
I have done a cleanse. It's amazing.
Isn't it? I mean, you would not believe
the things that came slipping out of me this morning.
Okay, okay. Now that we have a consensus on how amazing cleanses are,
can we table the discussion until never?
Yeah, just as well because I am late.
I am really, really late.
I thought you were done with work.
Oh, I have to work a double today, so I got to get Clyde home.
So who's gonna watch him? Oh, I got it covered.
Little Brittany from across the hall.
Is little Brittany an adult?
No, but her boyfriend is.
Who? Huh?
Herb. He's very mature.
His name is Herb? Yeah.
And you want to hear something funny?
He sells herb for a living.
And he looks exactly like Billy Bob Thornton,
but he doesn't smile as much.
Oh, yeah, that's funny.
Now, does Herb... Erb... Erb have, uh, any childcare experience?
No, but Brittany takes care of Clyde,
and Herb usually just comes over to use my computer.
You know what? Maybe just leave Clyde here.
Oh, I can't keep doing that to you guys.
Besides, you have your group tonight.
Anyways, thanks so much, you guys.
Say bye, Clyde.
Bye. Bye-bye.
Bye, Clydie.
Bye! Bye-bye! Bye.
Aw, it really does take a village, doesn't it?
That's us. Isn't this great?
No, not for Clyde, it isn't.
The poor kid's getting bounced all over town like a hot potato
to whoever happens to be free at the moment.
It's fuckin' terrible.
WOMAN: Hello, are you there, sir? Hello, yes.
Okay. Thank you. Um, so the sit...
Hello? Hello?
Goddamn it, my fuckin' phone died!
[MELLOW MUSIC]
So I've been running down all the places that I used my card,
and I'm pretty sure you guys photocopied it
when I left a deposit for the room key.
And, what, you think I've been using your credit card?
Well, somebody who works here maybe?
[SCOFFS]
Now that you mention it, maybe it's Mrs. Grenger.
I've always suspected that she was skimming the poor box
to support her bingo habit.
Really? No.
Of course not, you idiot. I would never let that happen.
"Thou shalt not steal." You remember that one?
It's number eight on my big top ten.
And number six is, "Thou shalt not point fingers."
It's the Russians, man. Trust me.
They're into everything. That's why I always put tape
on my laptop camera when I'm watching porn.
That's why I never bother.
If them commies wanna watch me punching my Putin,
hey, have at her, comrade.
I'll show you missile crisis.
All right, we get it, Ed. You like Russian porn.
It's the Chinese. They're the ones making
all this high-tech shit, you know?
Yeah, so they can spy on us.
Because of our phones, they got files on everyone.
That's right. And then when they're done spying, you take the phone,
you put it in your pocket, and everybody gets ball cancer.
Ah!
I guess I dodged that bullet.
Ball cancer aside, it's not a foreigner
who's ripping me off, okay? It's somebody local.
Look, I got four charges every Tuesday this month
all at a restaurant right here in town, the Waldorf.
Hey, hey, I'm not an espionage expert,
!but aren't we forgetting about what today is?
It's Tuesday!
So?
Let's go down to the Waldorf.
Yeah. You know, I'm sure
that my cleanse would allow for a cheat meal,
and it would be nice to get out.
No, we're not going down there to eat.
We're gonna go see if the dirtbag is there.
Yeah, catch him in the act and really kick his ass.
Oh, yeah, an ambush.
Yeah, and while we're waiting for him,
we can get some appetizers,
maybe nachos or chicken strips or...
No, no, no, no. Focus, focus.
[CHUCKLING] I'm sorry, guys.
I am so fucking hungry.
All right, thanks. I think this is a very bad idea.
Come on, don't be chickenshit. Don't you want to catch this guy?
What are the odds? He'd be stupid to go
to the same place five weeks in a row.
Well, that's only 25% more stupid
than going four weeks in a row.
20%.
No, no, no. Four is 20% less than five,
but five is 25% more than four. You know that, right?
Huh? Don't worry about it.
Whiz with the numbers. MUGSY: Hey, Loudermilk,
aren't you the least bit curious?
Yeah, we're not about to go storming downtown
and charging into some lounge like it's Little Bighorn.
No offense, Cloud. Huh, none taken.
We won that one. CISCO: Come on, Loudermilk.
Wouldn't it be awesome to catch this prick?
Well, yeah, I'm up for another rumble.
I'd come, but I have to go to the emergency room.
What for? Well, to get my balls checked.
You really should install fraud alerts on your phone, man.
It's not hard. I can do it for you.
Yeah? Yeah. Let me see your phone.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can't do nothing with that piece of shit, bro.
[MELLOW MUSIC]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Good evening.
Are you picking up and order for Grubhub?
No. Okay.
Are you looking for someone?
Kinda, yeah. It's a little hard to...
I'm not sure if they're here yet.
I see. Well, perhaps you'd like to peruse our menu.
I can take your name, and if you decide to join us,
I will have a lovely table ready for you.
Yeah, okay. Great. It's Loudermilk.
Oh, already have you in here.
You do? Loudermilk already seated
just right underneath the palm tree.
Oh, there she is.
Good evening.
Have you, uh, enjoyed a nice dinner here tonight?
Oh, um, why, yes, yes.
Wasn't bad.
So you like the place, huh?
Well, it's beautiful, isn't it?
It's so fancy. Very fancy.
I imagine that's why you like to come here
every Tuesday night, am I right?
Um, no.
Actually, this is... This is my first time here.
Oh, really?
You sure you want to stick with that story?
Because the paper trail would imply otherwise.
I... I... I'm not sure what you're talking about.
I think you know exactly what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the credit card
that you're gonna use to pay for this dinner tonight.
Well, first of all, that is none of your business.
And second, I'm pretty sure
I'm not paying for dinner tonight.
If he's any kind of gentleman at all, my date will be.
Your date? Yeah. He's in the bathroom.
Oh.
Oh, okay, uh...
Well, I'm gonna have to have a little talk with him then.
Okay.
You tend to date bigger guys or...
Excuse me. Is there a problem here?
Yes, there is. Yes, there absolutely is.
This guy is high or something.
High? Excuse me.
I'll have you know that I have been clean and sober
for nine months, three weeks, two days, twenty hours, and...
System time set.
Okay, sir, maybe we can have this conversation outside.
No, I don't need to go outside.
There's a thief at this table.
Sir, please don't make me call the police.
You should absolutely call the police
'cause I'm getting ripped off here every Tue...
Hey, what are you doing? Get your hands off me. Sir, that's enough.
MAN: Louie, it's okay. Let him go.
What the fuck, Dad? You're alive?
Yeah. [LAUGHS]
Boy, the look on your face.
You should probably check your shorts for mud.
You're dead! I gave your fucking eulogy!
Oh, come on. Don't act so startled.
You know your old man is always full of surprises.
This is not a good surprise, Dad.
Oh, me being alive is not a good surprise.
What the hell kind of thing is that to say to your old man?
I'm leaving. Oh, come on.
Let's go back inside and sit down.
You want a drink? I'll buy.
[SHOUTING] Do I want a drink?
No, I don't want a fucking...
How are you even here?
The bigger question is, what was going on when I came out of the can?
Seems to me that you were hitting on my girl, hmm?
Not bad, right?
Yeah, she's lovely.
You pay for her on my credit card too?
Your credit card? Yeah, my credit card,
the one that you've been using here every Tuesday for the last month.
Son of a bitch, it is yours.
I... I don't have my reading glasses.
How the fuck did you even get that?
I only have one credit card.
You should always have a backup.
That's why I called and ordered you a new one.
But, don't worry, I'll take this one out of the rotation.
Give me that.
So, what, you've just been here in town the whole time?
Nah, I was down in the Bay Area for a while,
but there was a misunderstanding. I had to skedaddle.
So that's it, huh?
The heat was on, and you just hightailed it out of there.
[LAUGHS] You can't hit a moving target.
Yeah, just like you hightailed it
when you found out about Annette.
Who? Annette.
The waitress that you slept with in my bed.
You're gonna have to be more specific.
I was lying right next to you.
Annette. Good kid, a real goer.
You should have gone in on that.
Yeah, Dad, that would be a cherished family memory
like the three-legged race in a father-son picnic.
Yeah, we could have been Eskimo brothers.
Some opportunities come along
you just have to take advantage of.
Like the opportunity to fake your death
instead of raise a kid? Oh, come on.
You were already grown up when I died.
I'm talking about your new kid.
What kid?
Don't give me that shit.
You knocked up Annette, and you fuckin' faked your death
to get out of raising my little brother, Clyde.
Please tell me you're joking. She had a kid?
Yes.
The waitress? Yes, your kid.
I can't believe this. I swear to God, I had no idea.
I... I thought my swimmers went belly up years ago.
Well, okay, then why did you fake your death?
Well, because, at that time,
there were a couple of issues that...
Okay, I knew about the kid.
Oh, God damn it!
Are you really that much of an asshole?
What much of an asshole?
That you would run out on a kid you don't even know?
Okay, maybe I panicked, but can you blame me?
A kid at my age? Do you know how old I am?
Yes, I do because I signed your death certificate.
Look, I couldn't stick around and deal
with all that crazy shit. No, Jack,
'cause you never do, do ya?
And now there's another little boy growing up
in the world without a father.
Oh, he'll be fine. Look at you.
Yeah, look at me. Look at me.
I'm a fuckin' drug-addicted alcoholic
who shines floors for a living.
Right, and I was there for most of the time,
so my being there wouldn't help the kid any.
You were never there.
Oh, for Christ's sake, let's not start this again.
Start what, the truth? Huh?
You think I don't wonder if I might have turned out different
if I had a father who once took me to a ballgame
or checked my homework
or didn't bet my college money on Mike Tyson?
I'd make that same bet today.
I mean, who the fuck is Buster Douglas?
You're a bum, Jack, you know that?
You're a bum, and you always have been.
That's not what you said about me at my funeral.
Some of that stuff you said really choked me up.
You were there?
Yeah, I was hiding up in the balcony.
See? I didn't miss every big event of your life.
[MELLOW MUSIC]
♪♪ ♪♪
You okay?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
Are you sure? 'Cause you look like you're...
Like I've seen a ghost?
No, like you're fuckin' hungover or something.
Holy shit, there's a ghost.
Damn, it's a new New Guy.
Guys.
Hi, Tom.
Haven't seen you in a while.
Remember me? I'm New Guy.
How have you been?
I'm not doing great, actually.
I was hoping to join the group.
But you're not an addict. Yes, I am.
Hey, pal, don't bullshit us again.
Yeah, you've already done this once under false pretentions,
and you know what they say about the boy who cried about the wolf in sheep's clothing.
First of all, that's pretenses,
and you're mixing up two different boys.
Oh, yeah, ass chin? Which boys? Which ones? I don't know!
I know why am I... [MOCKING GIBBERISH]
He's the one who pretended to be an addict.
Yes, I did, but I'm not pretending now.
All right, don't fuck around, Tom.
What are you doing here?
I need help, man.
Cutter really screwed me up.
He kept coming to my work and telling everyone I was an alcoholic.
I lost my job.
And then, you know, what he told my coworkers,
word got around town and nobody would hire me.
So I started drinking a little
and then a lot.
And it was like everything that he said about me suddenly was true.
Where is Cutter? I don't know.
He went off the deep end, deeper end.
He started talking about a B&E and making a big score,
and I just couldn't...
What's a B&E, bacon and eggs?
How the hell would you make a big score with bacon and eggs?
I don't know, rob a Denny's?
I think a B&E is bill of exchange.
No, no, no, it actually means below the elbow.
I read that in a fisting chatroom.
I was taking about breaking and entering.
Anyway, I started avoiding him, and then when I got
kicked out of my apartment, we lost touch and...
I don't know what to say.
I'm a drunk.
Okay.
Well, the good news is, you're here.
So now if you can just maybe learn
to stop blaming Cutter for everything
and, uh, maybe you can grow from this.
Welcome back, Tom. Welcome back.
Welcome back, pal. Welcome back.
I'm assuming you don't have a sponsor.
No. Okay. Well, gonna need one.
Any takers?
Yeah, yeah, I'll do it.
I think it would be good for me to be responsible for someone.
Responsible for someone?
You have, like, a dozen kids.
Hey, that's different.
This is out of the goodness of my heart.
That's under court order.
Thanks, Mugsy,
but I was thinking it might be wiser
if I had someone who could understand me better,
um, someone like Stevie.
Whoa, I'm confused.
Why would Stevie understand you better than Mugsy?
You're a drunk and a liar.
That's two things Mugsy knows very well.
Thank you, Roger. I'm sure you do, no offense.
I just... If I'm gonna be completely honest here,
I just still think Stevie is a better fit for me.
Why? Why would Stevie be a better...
Because I'm gay.
Okay, well, he's your guy. Wait a minute.
You're not gonna sponsor him because he's gay?
What's with that?
Well, Stevie would be a better fit...
That's what Tom said.
Well, I'm confused.
Yeah, I was too for a while.
No, about why you'd think I'd be a better fit for you.
Well, maybe because you're gay too.
No.
Oh.
Really?
I guess... I always assumed just 'cause, you know...
No, I don't. No.
Oh, face it, Stevie.
You've always been a really snappy dresser.
So? 'Cause I take pride in my appearance, that makes me gay?
Hey, let's face it, Stevie.
You never really talk about getting down with the ladies.
That's 'cause I ain't Barry White
and this ain't 1977, motherfucker.
This is ridiculous. James Bond is a snappy dresser.
Yeah, and Tony Soprano. Scrooge McDuck.
I mean, he wears a top hat and a smoking jacket.
He's straight as an arrow.
All right, first of all, those are fictional characters,
and one of them is a duck.
Secondly, you guys are morons.
Huge morons.
Besides who gives a fuck who's gay?
Other gay people? LOUDERMILK: Well, you shouldn't.
A drunk is a drunk, all right? Straight, gay, LGBTQ...
I. I.
A. A.
Two. Two?
Plus. It doesn't matter.
We're all humans with addiction issues.
All right, where did we land on the sponsorship thing?
Are you guys okay with that arrangement?
Yeah, sure, of course, man. Yes.
Thank you. CISCO: Hey, Mugsy,
I've never heard you talk about any "lady action."
Hey, gentleman's code.
What happens in the van stays in the van.
Gross.
[MELLOW MUSIC]
♪♪ ♪♪
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
How was your meeting?
Are you here to borrow money
or feed off the flesh of the living?
[LAUGHS] That's good.
Hey, is Ben still here?
We could really fuck with him.
You say a prayer for me, and then I'll jump out and go...
[YELLS GIBBERISH]
[LAUGHS] That would be great, Dad.
Let's give Ben a heart attack. That would be funny.
Yeah, hysterical, right? Yeah.
When are we ever gonna get another chance to do it?
I don't know, next time you fake your death?
I don't want you hanging out here, okay?
I just don't want you around.
I don't want anyone to see you.
I don't want them to know how fucked up my family is.
It's humiliating.
Oh, nice, my being alive is humiliating.
[SIGHS] What do you want, Jack?
Look, I thought about what you said last night,
and I got to thinking.
Why did I come back here?
And I think I know why.
What, because of the thrill,
like an arsonist or a serial killer?
Maybe.
Or maybe because I missed you.
Shut the fuck up. I'm serious.
You said it yourself at the funeral.
I was starting to put it all back together,
and then... And then I got scared.
And, anyway, well, here I am.
So? So?
Well, let's make the most of it.
Let's go for dinner and we'll reconnect.
I won't even drink.
No, it's too late for that, Jack,
'cause now there's another little boy in the world
who's gonna grow up with the same emptiness and heartache
that I'm still dealing with.
Well, if I am such a dick, maybe the kid is better off
never knowing who his father is.
[CHAIR SLAMS]
I knew you were gonna say that.
I knew you would say that.
Do you know why I said all these nice things about you at the funeral?
It's because I was just doing what I've always done,
what Mom always did,
which is make excuses for you
'cause that's what enablers do,
for whatever reason.
I don't know. Shame,
hope, we just make excuses,
and you get to roll merrily along
caring about nobody but your own fucking self.
Oh, great. Great speech.
Is that what you say to your little hand-holding group?
Must make you feel very high and mighty, huh?
Yeah, it does feel good to be there for somebody else.
You'll never know that because you're not capable.
You know what's sad is,
at least when you were dead,
I knew you couldn't disappoint me anymore.
Well, hey, hey. Come on, kid.
We got a second chance here.
You think I don't know I fucked up?
I fucked up.
You know how much it kills me to know how bad I hurt you?
I haven't had a good night's sleep in 30 years.
Now I'm back from the dead
and I'm ready to be accountable.
I'm just asking for a second chance.
No.
Not this time.
You got another chance, Jack. It's just not with me.
It's with your other kid.
[WISTFUL PIANO MUSIC]
♪♪ ♪♪
LIZZIE: Hey.
Hey.
Cup of coffee?
Sure.
♪♪ Hey, open the door
[GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC]
♪♪ I want a new life
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ Hey, and here's what's more
♪♪ I want a new life
♪♪ A new life
♪♪ Babe, let's get one thing clear
♪♪ There's much more stardust
♪♪ When you're near
♪♪ I think I'm really being sincere ♪♪