You're who you are today because of your addiction.
It's taught you compassion and forgiveness.
Those are the things that I like about you.
CLAIRE: You having a bad day?
Typical day. I got another rejection.
LOUDERMILK: Lizzie, you blew my mind at Sounds and Grounds.
You're fucking great.
You gotta get back out there.
Another vodka double, on the double.
I'm not mad at all, but we have to go, okay? Let's go.
[RELAXED MUSIC]
♪♪ Froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride
♪♪ With a bib and a bottle of milk for Clyde
♪♪ And your brother's home now, so I'll stop singing
♪♪ Mm-mm ♪♪
Where have you been?
What? Where have you been?
You didn't come home last night,
you never called, so what the heck?
Are you serious?
I was having a very nice time with Lizzie Poole
and it went... Long.
Oh. Well, I would appreciate a heads-up
the next time you decide to "go long."
I was worried sick all night.
Okay, sorry, honey.
What's Clyde doing here?
Annette dropped him off, said she'd be downtown for a few hours.
Just like that? No fucking warning?
[KNOCKING] Oh, my God, Sam.
You've gotta stop swearing in front of the kid, okay?
His brain's developing. He's absorbing everything.
[ZOMBIE-LIKE MOANING] [SCREAMS]
Fuck this! Fart, balls, shit!
[LAUGHING]
Did I tell you? Did I not tell you?
Oh, man, priceless!
What the fuck, man?
I'll explain later.
But he's not... Wait, explain late... You knew!
You knew and you didn't tell me?
Turd-fuck!
Well, I was hoping he'd go away.
Dad, what are you doing here?
I thought about everything you said.
[BABY COOING] And you were right.
It's time I stepped up and did the right thing for a change,
for the sake of everyone.
Okay. Well, it all starts today.
Honey, come on in.
[LAUGHS]
We're married! What?
Can you believe it? We really did it.
Isn't that great, huh? I made an honest woman out of her.
Oh, Jack! [BABY COOS]
There he is. There's my little boy.
It's both of your little boys!
Oh, and by the way,
I don't want you to think that you need to call me Mom.
I don't.
Fuck.
Oh, my God.
Clyde's first word!
[FRANZ FERDINAND'S STAND ON THE HORIZONPLAYS]
♪♪ ♪♪
I can't believe you're mad at me.
I thought you'd be proud!
You're the one that told me to marry her!
When? When did I say that?
You said I should do the right thing.
This is not the right thing!
Marrying her? Taking care of my kid?
Manning up? That's not the right thing?
You could've manned up. You didn't have to marry her.
Wow. I'll never understand you fucking millennials.
I'm not a millennial.
Your wife might be.
Well, you sound like one, you whiny prick!
What do I have to do to please you?
Dad, you can't possibly believe
that this is gonna work out.
Why not? Because you don't know her.
I knew your mother very well,
and that didn't stand a chance.
Bullshit. You knew her for two months.
But that was a rugged two months.
Uh-huh.
She was throwing up every morning,
her father wanted to kill me,
we were arguing about whether we should keep it,
I was flat broke.
Why, who didn't want to keep it?
Oh, stop it.
I didn't even know you then! If I did, I wouldn't have thought twice about it.
Besides, do you know how many marriages in India
start with two people who don't know each other?
Those work out!
Okay.
I see what you're doing. What?
You're taking the easy way out.
You're doing this because you have nowhere to go if you don't marry her.
You disgust me!
In what world is living in an apartment with three whiny kids
and a flaky waitress taking the easy way out?
I'm taking the hard way.
Mm-hmm. Look.
I'm trying to be a better person here,
and if you got a problem with that,
well, that's on you, buddy boy.
That's on you.
Is everything okay?
[ZOMBIE-LIKE MOANING]
[SCREAMING]
[LAUGHS]
Twice in one day!
♪♪ ♪♪
I...
I fucked up.
I really fucked up.
I ruined everything.
You wanna tell us what happened?
There's a demon living inside of me,
and every time anything good happens to me,
he comes out,
and takes a shit on everything.
And he smears it on me,
and he smears it on anybody that's close to me,
until I'm destroyed,
and then he...
He goes back inside.
To wait.
LOUDERMILK: Wow.
Well.
That's the fight, guys.
You have to keep your guard up all the time.
And I know that sometimes, we get sick of hearing that,
or we feel like we're stronger than that,
or that we'll be fine,
'cause that's all behind us now,
but that's not the truth of being an addict.
The truth is, when we're sober,
our disease is out doing fucking pushups in the parking lot.
And we don't know when, you don't know why,
you don't know what,
that fucking snake will come crawling back into your life
just like that.
I'm quitting.
Good. No, I'm quitting the group.
Mugsy... You stop talking.
I've... I've been coming in here for years,
and it is not working.
It's working.
You've had great years,
and a couple of bad nights.
I can't afford any more bad nights!
I need help!
And the help that I'm getting in here
is not the kind of help that's helping!
It's helping!
Just the fact that you're here today after that slip,
that takes fucking balls.
Yeah, that's your advice?
That's your fucking advice?
I am so sick of coming into these meetings
and fucking up.
And then I come in again, and I fuck up.
And then I come in again,
and then I gotta listen to you
do some self-help quote that does nothing.
I am tired of it.
All right, so don't listen to me.
You don't have to listen to me,
but you do have to figure out what works for you.
You don't fucking get it!
Nothing... Nothing fucking works for me!
Mugs. Mugs, come on, man.
Mugsy! LOUDERMILK: Hey, Stevie, Stevie.
Let him go.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]
♪♪ ♪♪
Hey. Hey.
Do you have any rejuvenating grapefruit body scrub?
Yes, of course we do, but right now's not a good time, Claire.
I have some appointments. Appointments?
Yeah, I'm... [CLEARS THROAT]
Interviewing some potential roommates.
Oh. I just...
I figure with Loudermilk shacking up with Lizzie on the regular,
it's probably just a matter of time
until he bails on me and I'm left covering the nut
for this entire place on my own.
The nut?
It's a real estate term.
Yeah, I don't think it is.
It is.
So you have a potential roommate lined up already?
Yeah, yeah, I got a few quality prospects
coming by this afternoon.
Well, why don't I stay? I can help you interview them.
Oh, thanks, that's nice of you,
but I don't know if you know what to look for
in a good roommate.
I lived with you and Loudermilk.
Exactly. [KNOCKING]
Oh. Okay.
[UNDER BREATH] Motherfucker.
Hey, what's up? You must be my 12:15.
Oh, you.
You know, those stairs could be a bit of an issue.
No elevator? No, no.
As I clearly stated on the phone, it's a walkup, so.
You think you could put one in?
An elevator?
You'd want an elevator put in for your shopping cart?
Yeah, if it's not too much trouble.
It doesn't have to be an Otis elevator.
I actually prefer the lesser-known Dover.
Well, you know... Okay, well,
I'll run that past the landlord.
Ah, ah, ah. You're good.
You're fine right there.
May I have the name of your current employer please?
[LAUGHS] Let's not play games.
You know I'm self-employed.
I do windshields.
It's a pretty solid, recession-proof business.
Oh, and I got a little side hustle.
I'm selling homemade hubcap clocks on Etsy.
Oh.
Killing it.
Sure you are, sure you are.
Would you consider yourself to be a Neat Nelly
or a Messy Marvin... We can skip that one. [SQUEAKING]
Contact information for your current landlord, that's not applicable here.
What is that sound? Oh.
You allow pets, right?
I think we're done here. Thank you very much for coming by.
Everything's in order. I'll give you a shout.
All right.Okay.
Thank you.
How's the ticker feeling, by the way?
Oh, good, thanks to you, I guess.
Yeah, you guess? All right.
I can see this is gonna be a tough decision.
LIZZIE: So who cares about the rejections?
Everybody gets them.
Well, it's up to eight now.
Starting to run out of places to send the book to.
Jonathan Swift said, "When a true genius
"appears in this world, you will know him by this sign:
"that the dunces are all in confederacy against him."
Right.
That's where the Confederacy of Dunces title comes from.
Yeah, which also took forever to get published,
which won the Pulitzer.
Hmm, which would be an inspiring story
if the author didn't commit suicide before it was published.
You're pretty shitty at pillow talk.
Oh, hey, I'm shitty at a lot of things.
I'm shitty at knitting.
Everybody's shitty at knitting.
I'm shitty at making omelets.
I'm shitty at parallel parking.
I'm shitty at writing cursive.
We're super shitty together.
Definitely. We should get married.
That was a... That was a shitty joke.
I know.
Oh, I have news!
I have a show on Saturday night
with Felix and his band at University Hall.
You're playing Uni Hall?
How'd that happen so fast?
I guess they had a cancellation,
and Felix called and said that I was back playing,
and they jumped at it.
Well, yeah, 'cause they're lucky to have you.
That's great.
Also,
I'm moving.
To LA.
That's... Uh, oh.
Why LA, though? I mean, LA's horrible.
What's so horrible about LA?
Well, you know, the constant sunshine,
and the beautiful people, and the Bentleys.
I mean, just watch the video for I Love L.A.,you know?
It's got it all.
Yeah, well, unfortunately,
that's where my band lives now.
What about Felix?
He's great, but he's his own band.
I need my guys back.
Yeah, of course... Yeah, sure, that's...
That's great.
Everything's really coming together for you.
[RELAXED MUSIC]
♪♪ ♪♪
That's, like, the third person in a row
who's cut the interview short.
Is it me? No, it's not you.
Yes, it is, I see their faces drop
the second they walk in here.
You know, I know I'm not roommate material or whatever.
Yes, you are.
I mean, you couch-surfed here forever,
and you didn't even complain once.
And you make good cereal.
And you have that really funny spinach tattoo on your thigh.
No, that's an iguana.
An iguana? Mm-hmm.
I thought that was spinach.
Why would I have a spinach tattoo on my thigh?
Same reason you have an iguana.
You made a mistake?
Anyway, you're not gonna need a new roommate.
Loudermilk's not gonna move in with a woman.
He's too selfish. [SCOFFS]
Man, blowing me off for a rock chick
is, like, the definition of selfishness.
Oh, God. [KNOCKING]
Aw, now someone's knocking at the door.
I don't wanna open the door.
Kay, I'm gonna get it.
[SIGHS]
Hi.
New Guy?
Hello, Benjamin.
I'm here about the roommate vacancy.
What are you doing here? I thought you have a big, beautiful house.
I do, but I'm thinking of selling while the market's up.
You know, this place could potentially
be interesting to me if the price is right.
I mean, it is close to some of the things that are important to me,
like the church and coffee shops,
and my girlfriend Louise... Ex-girlfriend.
That you're stalking.
You say stalking, I say keeping in touch with.
What does she say? Stalking.
It's...
It's a little smaller than I pictured.
Than you pictured... What are you talking about?
You've been here a bunch of times.
Shower or tub? Tub.
You literally shit yourself in it once.
She doesn't live here, does she?
No. I have a place down the hall.
Okay, good, because I like to walk around in the buff
when I'm unwinding after a long day.
Mm. As do I.
Okay, well played, Bobby Fischer.
Okay, neither of us should ever be allowed to be nude.
Terrific. We're back on the same page.
Okay, but all kidding aside, I do have a serious request.
Do you mind if I eat with my pants off?
Food just tastes so much better
without the tyranny of trousers.
I 100% agree, absolutely. No problem.
As a matter of fact, I think Bourdain wrote about that in one of his books.
Anthony Bourd... Oh! Oh, okay.
[LAUGHING] No, he never did that.
NEW GUY: You're gonna be a funny roommate.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
♪♪ ♪♪
JACK: Sammy! Hey, Sammy!
ANNETTE: Oh, look, Clyde! There's your big brother.
Heads up, Sammy. Dead man walking.
Power walking, actually.
Oh, my God, Jack, you are so funny.
[BABY TALK] Your dad is so funny!
Your dad is so funny.
You can't wear those.
What? The sombreros.
What are you talking about? It's cultural, it's...
I don't know, it's not allowed.
It's a sun hat.
We're just getting in our cardio.
It's very important for circulation.
Yeah, and you know what they say,
good on the track, great in the sack.
Whoa, who says that?
Honey! Sponge brain.
Aw, they know how they got here.
Don't you, little buddy? Oh, yeah.
One shot and pow. Bull's-eye.
Just like the Death Star.
All right, that's a lovely remembrance, Dad,
but the hats... You gotta trust me on this, okay?
They're throwing kids out of college for that shit.
People get mad.
What people?
Mexicans?
They get mad at us for wearing these?
They sold them to us.
ANNETTE: We went to a Mexican restaurant
for our one-week anniversary.
Besides, I get to decide what goes on my head.
Well, good. That's great.
I'm glad that it's going well.
Going well?
It's fucking great.
She's great. Just terrific.
I can't tell you how happy I am that I took your advice.
It wasn't my advice. And you know what?
Her tits are bigger than I remember, you notice that?
Yes, I paid for them.
Happy Father's Day.
And just my size.
What's just your size?
We're just talking about...
Your knockers, honey. I love them.
Honey, we better keep moving or you'll be late for work.
Right. Wait, hold on.
You have a job?
Of course I do.
What kind of a man would I be
if I didn't support my wife and my little baby?
Well, you?
Your father is the top salesman
at Cerrone's Auto Mart.
Well, not top, but I'm working on it.
He's almost in the lead for Salesman of the Week.
Really?
As of Wednesday. I'm in fourth place.
Come on down, Sammy,
and I'll put you behind the wheel of a sweet ride
that is as plush and luxurious as it is eco-friendly.
Isn't he something? He's like a game show.
Yes, he is,
except when you lose, there's no parting gifts.
[COMEDIC MUSICAL FLOURISH]
BEN: You know,
this schedule is actually shaping up pretty nicely.
On Monday nights, we watch The Bachelorette,
Tuesdays, we take a road trip to Flavortown
with Chef Guy Fieri,
and Wednesdays, we have an appointment with Dr. Pimple Popper.
Oh, and anything with Keith Morrison, okay?
Oh, well, yeah, sure, I guess it would be nice
to add a hard-hitting news program to the schedule.
It's a news magazine, remember?
News magazine. Touche.
Very different things. [KNOCKING]
Yeah, they're two different things... 'Scuse me.
Hey, Kung Pao chicken? Nope, that's not us.
No, that's me.
Yes, it is. Thank you.
Cheers. Thanks, man.
Hey, you have any chopsticks?
♪♪ ♪♪
Has anyone heard from Mugsy?
No.
Can we do anything?
I mean, he's gonna fall apart on his own.
Well, you know that saying, you can lead a horse to water,
but you still need a stepladder to fuck it in the ass.
What?
Ed's right.
I mean, I don't know about the ladder part,
but you can't make somebody go to a meeting
if they don't wanna go.
We're not him, so.
Who has something they wanna share?
NEW GUY: Well, I'd like to go.
Loudermilk, what are the chances of you
changing apartments in the very near future?
Like, say, by this weekend?
What?
Don't play games with me!
You know you've been shacking up with that shiksa!
That doesn't mean I'm moving.
Okay, well, what does it mean?
'Cause, you know, I don't know.
You never talk to me about it.
About what? See, this is what he does.
About whether you're moving!
Who said I was move...
Yeah, I'm not doing this.
Okay, somebody else, kick it off.
Come on.
I have a question.
Yeah, what do you got?
Are you never going to tell them?
Okay, um...
I have some other news.
My father married Clyde's mother.
Ah, they were married and you didn't know.
And now she's after you for the inheritance cash.
There's no inheritance cash, okay?
My father's not the kind of guy that would have...
No, he wouldn't even think to have
inheritance cash to leave behind, but no.
Would you just tell them?
Loudermilk's father isn't dead.
The fuck's she saying?
Guy's alive.
Scared the dog poop out of me, by the way.
Okay, turns out he's not...
He didn't die.
Well, then, who the fuck died?
I think nobody.
What the fuck? There was a funeral.
With a fucking jar.
I don't know, he faked the whole thing
to get out of raising his kid, I don't know.
Whoa, this guy makes me feel not so bad about myself.
And then he changed his mind and he came back
and asked Annette to marry him.
Ha, and she agreed to marry this lying motherfucker?
Yes. Oh, goddamn.
LOUDERMILK: Hey. TONY: Hey.
Hey, man! Welcome back.
No, no, no, no. I'm...
I'm not back.
No? Well...
I'm just here to get my mug.
Careful, it's got a hole in it.
That's a good one, Tony.
You sure we can't pull you up a chair?
No. No, no, no.
I'm good, man.
I just came to get this.
Don't go!
Mugsy, what the fuck's wrong with you?
You've come so far. Why are you quitting now?
Look, you're a huge part of this group.
We need you.
Nobody here
needs any of the kind of help that I can give.
Mugsy.
You walk out that door, you're looking at three things.
The hospital, handcuffs, or the cemetery.
And that's the fucking truth.
Your kids still love you.
You know, sure, maybe they're mad at you right now,
but they still love you.
If they didn't, you know...
None of this would fucking matter.
I know 'cause I went through the same thing with my kids.
Then how come everything that I do for them
causes them pain?
Mugsy,
you can't hurt someone unless they love you,
and they do.
[SOFTLY SOBBING]
I don't fucking know. CLAIRE: Mugsy, please.
Please.
I don't know. Please.
[SOBBING] I don't know.
♪♪ ♪♪
CLAIRE: Hey.
Hey.
'Sup?
Not much.
You need help setting up?
No, I got it.
You know, I never did thank you for being there
after Ryan dumped me.
No problem.
I'm serious, you didn't have to try to make me feel better.
Well, I meant everything I said.
I know.
[LAUGHING] It's not a big deal, that's...
That's what friends are for, right?
Good luck tonight.
Hey, you're still not back in the band.
[SCOFFS]
[RELAXED MUSIC]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Hey, everybody.
It's been a long time.
Thank you so much for coming out tonight.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ I turned my back, you were gone in a flash
♪♪ Like you always do
♪♪ You've always gone
♪♪ Off somewhere else
♪♪ So when the phone rang, and I thought it was you
♪♪ And I sprung like a kid who just got out of school
♪♪ But it's almost
♪♪ Always never you
♪♪ Never you
♪♪ I scream
♪♪ Like a child
♪♪ My insides
♪♪ Went wild
♪♪ When I'm alone with you
♪♪ You make me feel
♪♪ When I'm alone with you
♪♪ You are the one
♪♪ When I'm alone with you
♪♪ You make me feel
♪♪ Yeah, you make me feel
♪♪ When I'm alone with you
♪♪ You are the one
♪♪ Oh
♪♪ Oh, whoa
♪♪ Ah, yeah
♪♪ Oh
♪♪ When I'm alone ♪♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I mean, LA's not gonna know what hit it.
I don't know how to thank you.
For what?
For giving me my life back?
Ah, that was all you.
You lit a fire under me and made me change,
and got me thinking, you know, life is too short.
You only live once.
Unless you're my dad.
Hmm? Ah, nothing.
You were on the verge of making a point?
Do you ever think about making a change?
Might be good for your frame of mind.
Go where?
LA?
I could use a road trip buddy.
Are you asking me to come with you?
When's the last time you took a leap of faith?
Yeah, it's been a while.
Well?
I can't.
I have people here who need me.
Well,
I need you
to maybe come and help me pack up my place tonight?
I don't know.
Might just make everything harder.
Ah, fuck it.
Let's go have a proper good-bye.
[RELAXED MUSIC]
♪♪ ♪♪
BEN: Oh-ho!
You dirty dog, you.
Uh...
Do you wanna explain this?
Explain what? We're eating breakfast.
Hey, Loudermilk. Hey.
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE BEEPS]
You're not gonna answer that?
It's not like a ton of people call you.
No, it's no one I know,
and if it's important, they'll call back.
[PHONE RINGING]
Oh, someone's popular.
CLAIRE: Maybe you should answer it.
Why? It's a New York number.
It's probably a robocall.
You don't know anyone in New York?
Spider-Man?
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
Yeah?
Yeah, this is him.
Okay.
Yeah, talk to you soon.
That was just random.
Who was it?
Random House. Random House.
What did they say?
They wanna publish my book.
[FOXYGEN'S THE THING ISPLAYING]
♪♪ Hey, hey, hey, now
♪♪ Whoo!
♪♪ Yeah
♪♪ Uh
♪♪ Well, I'm so bad
♪♪ I must be wanted by the FBI
♪♪ Yeah
♪♪ I'm an America's-top-ten most-wanted-list type of guy
♪♪ Yeah, 'cause
♪♪ I'm just cool like that, yeah
♪♪ Yeah, I'm a winner
♪♪ I'm a winner and you know that it's true, yeah
♪♪ Yeah, I'm a winner
♪♪ Five piece chicken dinner
♪♪ Yeah, I'm a winner, and you know that it's true
♪♪ But the thing is
♪♪ It's never... ♪♪