[Ransom] Welcome back to the Cerritos, Mr. Boimler.
When you were gone, we tightened security protocols.
If you run into any problems, just flag it for Billups.
Thank you, sir. It's good to be back.
Computer, pupusa. Hot.
User not recognized.
It's Ensign Boimler. Come on.
User not recognized.
Can you, like, hurry it up?
Computer, any food. Hot, please.
User not recognized.
[nervous chuckle]
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the rush? We don't have to report until 0800.
There's a bunch I need to do before my shift starts.
Recalibrate the omnidirectional restraints, prep the hyposprays…
Wait. Is this about Ensign Escher?
Yes. I can't believe she got promoted over me. I do way more.
Escher got lucky.
I mean, curing the captain's Terellian Death Syndrome?
She was in the right place with the right hypospray.
[scoffs] I can't rely on people getting syndromes.
I have to show Doctor T'Ana I've got what it takes.
-What up? We doing sci-fi stuff today? -Nah. I gotta go kick medical butt.
[Shaxs] Computer, ketchup. Spicy kiwi.
[Rutherford gasps]
Mariner. Mariner, are you seeing this?
-Yeah, who messes with ketchup? -[gasps]
Shaxs is alive?
Yeah, I guess so. Bridge officers are always coming back from the dead.
-You gonna finish that muffin? -But how?
He died in an explosion saving my life!
I don't know, but whatever happened killed his taste buds for good.
I mean, I don't have all my memories, but I know for sure he saved me.
They're gonna tell me how he came back, right?
Nope. Best to not think about it.
-Please, just anything. I'm so hungry. -User not recognized.
[sighs]
[humming]
Ah.
Ensign, get in here!
I scrubbed half the arches, and I won't stop until all the bile--
Okay, shut up. Listen.
I need you to pick up a family heirloom from a storage unit on Qualor II.
-Wow. Doctor T'Ana, I'm honored. -Don't be.
I just need the lowest ranking officer who will ask the fewest questions.
This is a personal mission. Do it fast. Keep it private.
You got it! And may I just say I'm so honored to--
Okay, go! Now! Go!
[yowling]
Ow! Stupid doors.
Guess who I get to meet today?
The creator of Fair Haven,
Captain Proton himself, Lieutenant Tom Paris!
[gasps] No way! That's awesome. Is he still a salamander?
No, that's not-- [grunts]
It was a celerity-induced accelerated somatic mutation rate, and he's fine now.
He was the first human to break the transwarp barrier,
and today he's on the Cerritos.
You have a Voyager plate?
I collect all sorts of plates, and I love Voy.
See, I have signatures from all the other bridge crew.
From Janeway, all the way down to Kim. Everyone from Voy.
Why do you keep saying "Voy"?
-That's what I call Voyager to save time. -It doesn't.
Paris is on a handshake tour, telling Voy stories for morale.
I heard Shaxs talking about it.
It doesn't bug you that he's back from the dead?
Bridge crew always come back.
-Fine. But, how? -I don't know.
We're lower decks. We don't get to know everything bridge crew does.
He saved my life. I'm gonna ask him.
They don't like it when people ask how they came back, man.
It's probably just a transporter pattern buffer thing.
Yeah, or a restored katra or a mirror universe switcheroo
or the Borg rebuilt him.
Or he could be a future son from an alternate timeline,
or maybe he got Genesis Device-d or time-ribboned.
-Or he was trapped in the Nexus. -Nexus, time-ribboned. Same thing.
Point is, this stuff always happens. Even on Voy.
Wow, that does actually save a ton of time.
I'm an engineer. Solving impossible problems is what I do.
[groans] I can't let it go.
And I can't let Tom Paris go. Not until he signs my plate.
[grunts, groans]
Damn it. This has been happening all day.
They beefed up security around here while you were gone
'cause of the Pakled attacks. Get Billups to put you back in the system.
-I am in the system. It should be working. -[door panel beeps]
[gasps] Ha!
Mariner, hey!
Doctor T'Ana just gave me a super cool mission, and I can take someone along.
-You wanna come with? -Wait, me? Not Rutherford?
Yeah, 'cause you know what I've realized?
You and me have never done a mission together.
-What? No, we must have. -Nah-uh. Not just the two of us.
Well, shoot, girl. Then it's about time. Let's do this.
Mariner and Tendi on a girls trip!
Girls trip.
[humming]
[grunts, groans]
-Computer, manual override. -Request denied. Unauthorized personnel.
[groans] Let me through.
What up, Boimler?
-Need help with that door, buddy? -No, I'm fine.
Hey, maybe you aren't back in the system.
I could carry you across the threshold like a bride.
Yeah, okay, Jet. Get out of here.
I don't need you or anyone else to babysit me through my own ship. I'm fine.
All right, all right, all right.
Ha! [groans]
[whimpering]
I'll show you "unauthorized."
Just 200 more rungs.
[Mariner] So weird we haven't teamed up before now.
-Sort of like a glaring omission. -You always get paired with Boimler.
I'm always with Rutherford. We should switch it up more often.
Totally. Qualor is awesome, by the way.
You can get any drink in the form of a slushy.
We gotta get, like, five slushies.
Doctor T'Ana seemed like she wanted me to rush.
Who rushes a family heirloom? It'll be fine. It's, like, old, right?
Yeah, I-I guess you're right.
[laughter]
-[Tendi shouts, laughs] -[Mariner] Oh, yeah!
[Klingon acid punk playing]
No one's accessed this bin for years. You got authorization?
Yep. Right there.
Is this Gik'tal?
I love that song, where they sing over the wails of the dishonored.
"Gre'thor Paradise." Yeah. I saw them perform that live on Akstin.
They had an actual chorus of disgraced Klingons lamenting on stage.
-Oh, my gosh. That sounds awesome! -It was!
I'll go poke around back there and see what I can find.
Shouldn't be long.
Whoa, what? Stop. You're into Klingon acid punk?
Are you kidding? Why even listen to Klingon if it isn't punky or acidic?
No way. I've never heard you say anything about that.
Well, that's weird, because I talk to Rutherford about it constantly.
It's neat that after spending all this time together,
you can still learn something about a friend.
Yeah, I guess we just--
All right. [grunts]
Here you go.
-Whoa. -Whoa.
[both straining]
Uh, when you said "heirloom," I thought it was gonna be, like, a Caitian vase or--
-What is this, exactly? -I didn't ask. Doctor T is very private.
-Well, let's open it up and take a look. -We really shouldn't.
Come on. Girls trip! Come on. One little peek won't hurt.
It'll be our secret. We won't even tell Boimler or Rutherford.
-Mmm. Maybe just a quick girls peek. -Girls peek.
Huh.
It's just, like, a wooden statue thingy. I wonder why she's so wound up about this.
-[chuckles] Oh, no. -What?
It's not a statue. It's a Caitian Libido Post.
Libido-- Wait. Is that a sex thing?
A Caitian has to be intimate once a year or their hormones make them crazy.
It's like a Vulcan on Pon Farr.
Caitians have a bunch of hormonal vents like that.
[laughs] Ew. Oh, look at these claw marks.
They're, like, from her horny great-grandma.
Ew. Oh, like-- Hi, Tendi. Hi, Tendi. My name is Jeremy.
I'm an important cultural sex toy from the past.
Please deliver me to Doctor T'Ana so I--
I can't believe you're touching it.
Oh, my God! I'm touching it with my bare hands!
-Put it back! Put it back! -Look, just angle it towards the--
[Tendi] Grab it!
[screams]
[Tendi whimpers]
-No, no, no, no! This can't be happening. -Uh, maybe sh-she won't notice.
It's the face!
Doctor T'Ana's going to know I violated her trust.
-I'm gonna get fired! Oh! -Hey, no. Stop that. No.
No one's getting fired over Jeremy, okay? I've fixed stuff like this before.
[snorts] You-- You have?
Yeah. No, I accidentally ran over Worf's mek'leth back on Deep Space 9,
and I had it fixed before he even knew it was gone.
Wh-- What were you doing on Deep Space 9?
I served there, back before I was on the Quito. You know that.
No, I thought that the Cerritos was your first ship.
Seriously? Dude, it's like, my fifth. I talk about my other ships all the time.
Well, this is the first I'm hearing about it.
It's sort of a big part of who I am.
Uh, whatever. I know a fixer on Bonestell who can repair anything.
It's a quick warp, then we'll head back to the Cerritos
with a non-ruined post for T'Ana.
Uh, okay. Well, as long as we're back on time.
Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah. We should be, yeah. Uh, let's just get moving.
-[Mariner] Girls trip. -[Tendi] Girls trip.
[gasps]
-Rutherford. -Sir.
We've got this Tom Paris thing later, but maybe after that, racquetball?
You sure you're up for that? You know, with what you went through?
[groans] That place did take a lot out of me.
But not my killer serve.
Ah, Shaxs, you always get me.
Help you, Ensign?
Oh! [chuckles] I just-- The truth is, I was just wondering how--
[Cody] Whoa, Shaxs is back?
Didn't you die?
-How the heck did you come back to life? -[all gasps]
[Shaxs groaning]
Lieutenant Junior Grade Cody, that is out of line!
Report to your supervisor for immediate reassignment.
-I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to-- -Just go.
[sobbing]
But he was dead. I--
[breathes deeply]
What was it you wanted to ask?
[stammering]
How do you hit a racquetball?
With a racquet.
Oh! Right, cool.
-So, you still having flashbacks? -Having one right now.
Yeah, I can fix it.
The trick is making it look like it was never damaged.
And how much will that put us back?
For my old friend Beckett Mariner? Double. Fifty strips.
What? Fifty? Where are we supposed to find that much latinum?
You've got a deal.
What are you doing? We can't afford that.
Yes we can. We just need to find the biggest, dumbest guys in here.
[aliens chattering]
Come on, come on.
[growls] Cheater! You claimed you were only a beginner.
Yeah, I'm beginning to school your ugly ass.
-How dare you? -Hey, no fighting.
I just got that table re-jotted.
You wanna finish this game, you do it with proxies.
Works for me. My partner's even better than I am.
[scoffs] An Orion? She will use her pheromones to cheat us.
[gasps] No, she won't! Oh, that is such a messed up thing to say.
But, like, could you, you know, just juice it a bit? Just a little.
Mariner! Of course not. I'm not even that kind of Orion.
I can't believe you'd even say that.
Just checking! No, no, no. You got this. Take a shot.
[whimpering]
-Come on, come on. -[growls]
I won? I won!
-Yeah! -[crowd cheering]
All right. Pay up.
Cheaters don't deserve Nausicaan latinum!
[screams]
No!
Hey, what did I say about-- Whoa!
Oh, crap! Okay, guys, listen. I know we may not look like a lot,
but when it comes to a fight, us Starfleet officers are trained to--
Latinum!
Tendi, run!
[Boimler grunting]
If I follow this path,
I'll be on the catwalk above the grav stabilizer's static diffusers.
[sighs] Almost to the bridge.
Don't worry, plate.
There's no plausible reason why anyone should be purging the static right now.
It's a pleasure to have you on my bridge, Lieutenant Paris.
Pleasure's all mine, Captain Freeman.
Mind if I give her a whirl? I hear these Cali-class engines can purr.
Of course. Just don't send us to the Delta Quadrant.
[all laugh]
[groans] All right.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
[screams]
Computer, emergency shut down!
Authorization not recognized.
You don't need authorization in an emergency!
[sighs]
My plate. Okay. She's okay.
Ah! Hot plate! Ow! My lips!
Okay, I'm fine. The plate is fine. Gotta keep moving.
[growls] Where the hell are you, Ensign? My fur feels like it's covered in poison.
We're on our way back. The package is completely intact and--
-Hurry! -[groans]
This was supposed to be my chance to show Doctor T'Ana that I'm ready for more,
but I failed her!
Look, don't be so hard on yourself. It was just a mistake.
I don't get to make mistakes like you do. It was hard getting into the Academy.
There's still a lot of stigma around Orions.
A lot of humans think we're all thieves and pirates.
Wait.
My cousin works in a thieves' den in a pirate outpost in this sector.
He might be able to help us out.
Okay. As long as you aren't bothered by the optics, I mean, it works for me.
[sighs] Well, these are bad Orions.
They'd kill you on the spot just for being human.
-Well, I'm not into that. -But don't worry. I have a plan.
All right, undercover op.
[grunting]
Just gotta focus on work.
[sighs] Come on. Focus.
Rutherford! I fought my way out of the multiverse.
[distorted] That is a lie. The Borg put my body into the collective.
[stammers]
A microscopic civilization brought me back to life to harness the powers
of my body with a tiny Dyson sphere.
It was no transporter accident.
-Resistance is futile. -Mirror, mirror, mirror.
What was the deal with T'Pol's hair for that one year?
-In Nexus, it's always Christmas. -[screams]
I gotta know!
[panting]
Honestly, this feels wrong.
I mean, just please don't take any pictures of me.
Okay, remember, the effect won't last long, so we need to find D'Onni quick.
Well, what if I don't sound like an Orion though?
Just talk like a pirate.
[imitating pirate] Arrr! How you be doing today, me fellow Orion?
-Why are you talking like that? -Allergies.
[normally] Yeah, I'm allergic to, um, uh, pheromones.
Oh, I hear you. They're really bad this time of year.
That's D'Onni up there. He does art forgeries.
Uh, and he's hot.
Tendi, you gotta warn me if we're gonna be meeting up with a sexy bad boy.
-That's my type. Well, one of my types. -You have a thing for bad boys?
I'm always dating bad boys, bad girls, bad gender non-binary babes,
ruthless alien masterminds, bad Bynars…
Huh. I don't know if I've ever seen you date anyone.
-You usually seem to be with Boimler. -What? Ew!
No! What? That is so messed up.
What? I don't know. You guys practically sleep in the same bunk.
We do not. Ew. He's like a pet. Yuck.
-What, are you and Rutherford dating? -Not really.
-Cousin? -[Mariner gasps]
Biceps.
You shouldn't be here.
If the Syndicate catches me talking to-- [groans]
You'll do what I tell you to do, you dumb-face jerk!
Holy crap, who are you right now?
It's an Orion thing. It actually makes me really uncomfortable.
D'Onni, I have a piece of, uh, loot I need you to repair.
It has to look like it was never broken in order to rip someone off.
Anything for you, Mistress of the Winter Constellations.
Mistress of the Winter Constella-- What?-- Okay, you gotta do this on the Cerritos.
Don't tell anyone. That's the name I left behind long ago.
I'll try, but it's-- Oh, crap.
D'Vana, what is this? Is she an impostor?
Shut up and do your job!
D'Vana? Is that some other weird title you've got?
It's my name.
Oh.
What? You don't even know my first name?
I thought it was "Tendi," like, with no last name. Like Odo.
We have been working together for over a year, Beckett.
-Well, now you're just showing off. -You don't know me at all!
Well, you don't know me!
Hey! You don't have allergies!
She's wearing false green. Grab her!
-[grunts] -[Orions groan]
-[stammers] -[grunts]
[groans] Get her!
-[both panting] -False green!
-[Orions clamoring]
[both panting]
Why don't you just do your bossing-everyone-around voice again?
Yeah, it doesn't work on angry mobs.
Which you would know if you knew anything about me or Orions.
You're the one who wanted to do a girls trip.
Because I thought we were friends!
Yeah, well, apparently we're just people who work together.
Yes. Soon we'll just be people who get our asses kicked together.
[grunting]
[both panting]
[Tendi groans] They're all over the lift.
[rodent squeaking]
Hope you like climbing.
[panting]
Ha. Nobody knows the Cerritos like Bradward Boimler.
[screams] Fine, you wanna play it that way Cerritos?
I know another way because I know you like you should know me.
Access denied.
No, no, no. This can't be happening.
First I get kicked off the Titan,
then the Cerritos doesn't even know me anymore.
Where do I belong? [whimpers]
Come on, Brad. This is your home. You're right where you belong.
Then why am I gonna die in a Jefferies tube?
You're not.
You are Brad Boimler, and you've been in tougher spots than this.
Now open up a panel and start figuring out a solution.
[sniffs] You're right. Thanks, Tom Paris.
[grunting]
I am a little worried about the fumes in here though.
You know, since you're talking to a plate.
I don't know. I kinda like 'em. [laughs]
[both grunting]
[Tendi gasps]
There! Don't let 'em get away!
-[Orions clamoring] -[grunting]
[grunting]
Leave us alone. This isn't nice.
Yes. Wait! No! Keep cutting.
[sighs, grunting]
-[Mariner groans] -[Orion grunts]
-[Mariner yells] -[Tendi gasps]
[Mariner grunts]
[both strain]
The post. It's too heavy.
I can't pull you both up.
[Orions grunting]
Take it. Get out of here before it's too late.
No way! I'm not leaving you!
-[Tendi yells] -Tendi, no! Not the post.
[both grunting, panting]
-Deck 15. -Wait!
[panting, grunts]
Whoa! Baby bear, what's the matter?
I know I'm not supposed to ask you how you came back from the dead,
but I know it was my fault that you died.
Maybe if you tell me how you came back, I won't feel as guilty anymore.
Turbolift, halt.
It wasn't your fault.
Saving you was my duty.
There is a reason we don't tell anyone how we come back.
I know. You can't tell me because I'm just an ensign.
It's nothing to do with rank, son.
We're sparing you dark truths about scientific depravity
that would haunt you for the rest of your days.
Once you know, you can never go back to being the man you were before.
Works for me. Tell me! Tell me!
Okay, so death is the first thing that happens.
And then-- Oh, wait. You do know about the black mountain, right?
The what now?
The black mountain is a spiritual battleground your soul goes
where you have to fight three faceless apparitions of your father.
[muffled] The surviving father makes you eat your heart…
[groans] Personal log. I'm trapped because of a computer glitch.
Or perhaps it is I who is the glitch.
Personal log cannot be recorded.
I'm gonna die, and it's all because of this stupid plate!
Don't do it, Bradward! Not the plate!
[Boimler laughs] Uh…
Huh? Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no! No, no! [screams]
[grunts, groans]
[screams] I do exist!
-Tom Paris! -A Kazon!
Tom Paris can I just say that I'm a really huge fan,
-and I have a plate for you-- -[yelling]
-Thanks for saving my ass back there. -You've saved mine plenty of times.
I'm sorry you brought me instead of Rutherford.
But, you know, don't feel bad that you don't know much about my life.
-I keep it vague on purpose. -Why?
Every time I open up, people get promoted and take off.
It's better to just keep it surface-level and never have friends,
instead of always losing them.
Well, don't apologize.
I was hoping this trip would be a way for us to bond,
but it's just been a big mess.
And the reason you don't know much about me, well, that's my fault.
I'm always so busy making everyone else happy that I never open up.
Now you know more about me than Rutherford does.
And I'm glad I do.
Me too.
[sighs] What are you gonna tell the doc?
That I was curious and accidentally broke her post.
It'll be interesting getting in trouble. I've never done that before.
And I can say two things. You're a really good person.
Aw, thanks. What's the other thing?
Your plan sucks. New plan.
-Oh, my gosh! What are you doing? -Buckle up, D'Vana!
We might have been coworkers this morning, but now we're friends.
Computer, ramming speed!
Friendship!
This is how we kick ass in the Delta Quadrant.
-Ki-yai! -[Boimler grunting]
-[Paris laughing]
Uh, Captain. Shuttle four is on a collision course with the ship.
-[Freeman] What? -[Boimler groans]
Stop! Stop!
[gentle plink]
-Uh, damage report? -None.
That was weird.
What the hell were you thinking?
A bee got in the shuttle, sir.
It flew right in my face. Totally my fault.
A bee? How did a bee get in the shuttle in space?
[sighs] Doctor T'Ana, I'm so sorry,
but I'm afraid your special family heirloom is broken.
I wish I could say that it was because of something else--
Totally my fault. Sorry, Doc. Big old bee got in the shuttle,
-just messed everything up. -You are so going to the brig for this.
Send the bee to the brig! It's the bee's fault!
I'm really sorry.
-[grunts] Don't worry about it. -Wait-- You're not mad?
I don't care about that old post.
What I needed was the box.
[computers whirring]
[purring, meows]
Mmm. Ah, there's-- That's the stuff.
Ooh, have you heard this one?
It's my favorite. It's all about the Caves of No'Mat.
Acid punkers love singing about caves. Oh, hello.
Check it out. No more glitch. I'm authorized.
Did you get your bowl signed by Chakotay or whatever?
Tom Paris. And no, not yet,
but this black eye he gave me is way cooler than a signed plate.
True. There's, like, only a couple of people in the Quadrant
who can say they got beat up by Tom Paris.
Even better, as an apology, we're getting drinks tonight.
So I still have a chance for him to sign it.
[grunts] Oh, no, no, no!
Computer, open the door. I gotta get to the bar! Come on!
Uh, that's-- That's not a door, it's just a wall with a seam.
Oh, right. I may have a concussion.
Oh, Rutherford, did you ever find out how Shaxs came back?
[screams] Oh, no. No, I did not.
Aw, boo. We never get to know the cool stuff.
Or maybe they're just sparing us from knowing horrible, horrible things that--
that happen to good people.
Yeah, it definitely isn't that. They're just jerks.
Ooh, this one is about a Klingon who eats his own hand!
Yeah, play it!
[Klingon acid punk playing]
Pew pew! Pew, pew, pew! Pew pew!
Chirp.