STAR TREK LOWER DECKS
U.S.S. CERRITOS NCC-75567
BASED UPON "STAR TREK" CREATED BY GENE RODDENBERRY
"An Embarrassment Of Dooplers"
Captain's log, Stardate 58053.9.
The Cerritos is escorting a Doopler emissary
to Starbase 25 for trade negotiations.
Dooplers are a species which involuntarily duplicate
as an emotional defense mechanism.
We've been walking on eggshells the entire trip.
Emissary, the last few days with you have been very… careful.
Your hospitality is appreciated, Captain,
as are your efforts to prevent me from duplicating.
Excuse me. I must ready for arrival to the station.
This has been the most stressful week of my life!
How did we get on Doopler duty?
Well, it's all worth it.
We'll get to Starbase 25 just in time for the command conference.
Is that the one with the epic after-party?
Oh, yeah. Three years ago,
Admiral Slattery got so drunk he commandeered a light cruiser.
He didn't sober up until he was halfway to the Delta Quadrant.
I'll be the only California-class captain there
because of my heroics in the battle against the Pakleds.
Soon, Doopler duty will be a thing of the past.
Sometimes this job feels like it's just stacking crates in storage bays.
What are we doing next?
Crate stacking, storage bay 7.
I can't believe we're going to be docked right outside
the wildest party in Starfleet,
but instead of getting torn, we'll be stacking.
I could be hanging out with so many captains
who are looking for their next number one.
I bet right now you wish you were still on the Titan.
It was amazing. I swear the replicated water just tasted better.
And don't even get me started on how soft the bridge chairs were.
-And the holodecks-- -Okay.
I wasn't looking for the sales pitch.
I meant, if you were still on a capital ship like that
you'd be guaranteed an invite to this party.
Yeah, my stupid transporter clone William is probably going.
You haven't even met him, but trust me, he's so annoying.
Real stickler for the rules, kind of a butt-kisser--
Wait. Shut up. Shut up.
The Titan's on the other side of the system deterring the Pakleds.
So?
So, there's no way they can make it here in time.
William's invite is just sitting there.
You can pose as your clone, and I can be your plus-one!
You're right!
Just to be safe, I'll call clone Boimler and make sure he's cool with it--
Are you crazy?
You're right. I now realize that was crazy.
U.S.S. CERRITOS NCC-75567
After a hard day of working on the ship,
nothing relaxes me like building a smaller version of the ship.
Now we just have to get the tiny deflector shields online.
Boy, before I lost my memory, I did some great work on this thing.
Look at those phase inverters.
I like mini Mariner bossing around tiny Boimler in the itty-bitty bar.
There's something etched on the side of the manifold.
Looks like old me left some directions on how to get the shields working.
"Field distortion amplifier 88." And then there's three squiggly lines.
What does that mean?
I don't know. But if I did it once, I can do it again!
Sorry!
Captain Freeman.
I guess this means you've had a good trip with your Doopler guest?
It was exhausting! Between us, I can't get him off the ship fast enough.
The man is so emotionally fragile.
Fragile? Was I too much trouble?
No, no, no, no. You were great. I love having you here.
I was a bad guest! I'm so sorry--
Oh, no!
I dooplercated! This is so embarrassing!
No, it's-- it's fine.
Nothing is more mortifying than dooplercating!
We both did it!
-He just dooplercated! -Don't look at me.
Stop! It's fine! You are all great!
Freeman, I can't risk this station being overrun with Dooplers.
The Cerritos won't be allowed to dock until you sort this out.
We aren't allowed on the station?
What the--
Oh, yeah. Looking sassy. Yeah!
Should we be in skants for this?
Nobody wears those anymore. Don't overthink it.
Right. But maybe we could take our skants in a bag
just in case we get there and everyone's in a skant?
Attention, all decks, the Dooplers are exponentially duplicating,
which is a totally cool thing to do.
If you see a Doopler, just smile and look away.
You're telling the whole ship about us?
Does that mean we're not going?
It means we're definitely going.
Chaos on the bridge means no one's gonna notice one little transporter override.
Come on!
I've never been on a station this old. It's like a whole city.
Yeah, it's great, but it kinda smells like pee sometimes.
Come on. We gotta find the party. The location's always secret.
This place is massive! How are we going to find anything?
Follow me. I used to live here.
Of course you did.
They've got a Quark's now.
That used to just be an empty lot where teens would make mistakes.
Remember Becky Mariner? She's back.
What are you doing? We don't have time to shop.
You dare set foot on this station after what you did to me, Becky?
-Becky? -Oh, get over it, Malvus.
I should disintegrate you for stranding me on Ceti Alpha IV,
which I'll have you know is much worse than Ceti Alpha V.
I don't strand people!
She stranded me on Rubicon III.
You stranded yourself.
What about on Axilus?
Okay, yeah. I stranded you there.
-Your boyfriend has it right. -He is not my boyfriend.
It's nice to meet someone who understands how hard it is working with her.
And the same to you.
All right, I'm sorry I left you on Ceti Alpha.
I really thought there was life there. Listen, we could really use your help--
I know what you want. That stupid Starfleet party.
-You have to know where it is. -Of course, I do.
And I'd be happy to share it,
if you help me move some merchandise to storage.
Crates?
Wait, hold on. What's in them?
Limited edition Commander Data bubble bath.
You sure this isn't a Lore?
A couple might be Lores.
Watch out! Hot! Hot! Hot, hot!
The engines work, but no lights.
What am I doing wrong?
Hey, another message from last year me.
"Shield emitters, equal sign, squiggly line".
All right, clear out.
This area is being used for emergency Doopler holding.
There's so many of me!
Hey, careful!
Oh, no! I bumped a toy!
We need to find somewhere to finish the model.
You're leaving because of me!
Yeah. I mean, it's pretty clear.
There's no need to feel embarrassed.
Thank you, you're very kind.
Wait! That's what someone says when there is a reason to be embarrassed!
Okay. I'm just not gonna say anything. We can just be silent.
She's giving us the silent treatment! That's even worse!
This should fix the harmonic--
Who re-routed power through the harmonic dampeners?
I guess you did?
Stupid me!
Maybe we just put it away?
No. I have to finish this.
Excuse us. Sorry. Excuse me!
Oh, no! We're in the way!
-We're not even… -Run!
Aw, sugar!
Hey, we could bring one of these into the party,
and be like, "Anybody order bottle service?"
You know what? You didn't have to tell Malvus I abandoned you.
-It was an accident. -We were just having fun.
I wasn't! That was a private thing between you and me.
You're always telling people embarrassing stories about me.
That's different. My stories are hilarious.
-And you're the one that abandoned me. -What?
Crap! Crap! Crap! It's security. They're pulling us over.
-We're not supposed to be here. -Shut up. Just stay calm.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
We just got stopped by security.
They're always amped-up on party day.
Yeah, for a moment I was worried this was a stolen kart or something.
It's not, but the illegal weapons under the bubble bath are.
Klingon disruptors!
Malvus!
Enjoy the penal colony!
Let's just explain that we were tricked into carrying illegal cargo
by your criminal friend.
No, station security has a rep for being crooked.
They aren't gonna let us off with a warning and a glass of Thai iced tea.
They'll coerce a confession then sell our combadges on the black market.
Lucky for us, they're terrible drivers.
Why is that lucky?
Dabo!
Casino!
Barbershop!
Fine men's clothing!
THE LUCKY FERENGI
Watch out-- Watch--
Hey!
Backwards time!
-Fish people! -Sorry!
Hey! We are not people!
Don't go down the stairs!
Dude, I would never go down the stairs!
Vulcans. Vulcans. Vulcans!
Fascinating.
-I can't take it anymore! -Hey, hey!
-I've got a model here. Stay back. -This is humiliating!
We gotta get to higher ground!
-Forget the model! Are you crazy? -Got it!
We can escape through the maintenance hatch.
It was sealed off months ago. Don't you remember?
No, Tendi! I don't remember! And that's the problem!
My whole deal is repairing starships.
If I can't fix this little toy, then I don't even know who I am anymore.
You're still Samanthan Rutherford.
Am I? The old me was better.
I can't figure out his notes, and I'm like a year behind being friends with you.
It's like I'm competing with my own ghost.
Cool, the aviary. I went on a date here once.
Avians!
Oh, God. Oh, no! No, no, no, no!
Oh, yeah. "Let's move to the aviary," he says.
"It'll be so quiet," he says.
We lost 'em. Never doubt me!
This is how I die.
Still alive…
I barfed up bubble bath.
Yeah. I was there. Thank you for the update.
We can forget about the party because guess what?
We're probably getting arrested instead.
No way. I didn't put on underwear for nothing.
Mariner!
Thank the gods whom I worship that you're alive.
Shut up! If you don't tell me where that party is,
I'm telling security I know who those disruptors belong to.
But you would get arrested too.
Yeah, and then we'd both be in the same cell.
Just you and me.
All right, all right. I'll send you the location.
-But you still owe me. -I owe a foot up your ass.
Ballroom Alpha? That's where all the big parties are!
How is that even a secret?
I knew we should have brought the skants.
WELCOME STARFLEET
This is stupid. We're soaking wet.
-There's the bouncer. -Name?
Brad-- William Boimler, USS Titan.
Go on in.
It worked!
Yeah, he just-- he loves being on lists. Very excited.
Not you.
This is Beckett Mariner. She's my plus-one.
-Which ship you on? -The Voyager-D.
Beckett Mariner, ensign on the Cerritos.
Nope. Sorry, Luna-class and above only.
They're not letting me in. Whatever.
There's, like, a million other things to do on a station this big.
But this is the best thing, right?
-Fine. Just go in without me. -I'm not gonna abandon you out here.
Oh, please. You love abandoning.
No, I don't! You're the abandoner.
You didn't think twice about taking that promotion to the Titan.
You just couldn't wait to leave me, just like everybody else.
You're still mad about the Titan?
-Why didn't you bring it up before? -Of course I'm still mad!
I've been waiting for you to apologize for weeks, you dumb jerk.
How was I supposed to know that? Maybe try being honest sometime.
Whatever! I earned that promotion,
but I guess you have to make it all about you.
Some friend.
Hey. It's tough being vulnerable. Believe me, I know.
Shut up.
Captain Shelby and her number one.
Captain Exley and his number one.
Hey! You made it! I haven't seen you since Sintori IV.
This is so awkward!
You're telling me!
I'm sorry I can't finish the model.
I just have to get used to knowing that the old me was a better engineer.
What? Rutherford, you have it all wrong.
-Old you never finished it either. -What do you mean?
We always stopped at the warp core, and then we'd start over again.
Why?
Because as long as we were working on this, people left us alone.
It was like our social deflector dish.
We got to hang out without anyone bugging us!
So all these notes from old me?
Are probably just to slow down and buy time.
I wasn't smarter than me!
I'm glad you're feeling better. Too bad we're gonna get crushed.
Not if we detonate the warp core.
Come on.
Ejecting warp core in five, four, three, two…
Hot, hot, hot, hot!
Is this because of us?
They don't like us!
MR. KRADA LEG
Can I get five more of these?
You think that's a good idea?
Interesting. I'm actually going for "bad idea."
Put those on my tab, plus a prune juice spritz.
Don't tell me the party was boring.
It was amazing. Nonstop sliders.
You love sliders. So, why'd you leave?
-It just wasn't fun. -Not enough famous admirals?
There were, but you weren't there to make fun of them with me.
I'm sorry I left for the Titan the way I did.
I guess I was worried you would talk me out of it.
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I didn't even know you had feelings.
Of course, I do. I just don't show them to everyone.
I don't know why I make an exception for you.
Maybe because you're my number one.
Wow!
No, if anything, you're my number one. I'm your mentor.
Nice try. We've already done that.
It goes by force of personality. Me. Then you.
No, don't make me bump you down to number two.
Thanks for coming to hang. I'm sorry I ruined the party.
I can replicate sliders whenever I want back on the Cerritos.
Who needs to be at the coolest, most prestigious party of the year?
I'm sorry, Captain! The crowd has me now!
Enough. Enough!
Stop being such whiny little ****!
What did you say?
You idiots need to shut up and stop being sniveling babies!
Did you see that? I berated them and they recombined.
Getting embarrassed makes them lose control,
but getting pissed helps them get it back!
Hey! You're a jerk!
Excuse me?
Attention, everyone!
Stop being careful around the Dooplers.
Yell at them. Call them spineless punks!
I know we're Starfleet, but really give them a piece of your mind!
Your pagh is weak, and it disgusts me!
I don't even know what that is, but I don't like your tone!
This is engineering. You're in my house now!
You wouldn't know a reecon converter from a tulox shifter!
How dare you!
I am a guest!
**** **** ****ing you ****face.
You, madam, have crossed the line.
…endangered my ship, ruined my plans!
I hope a temporal anomaly wipes out any record of your existence!
I've never been treated like this in my entire life.
And now, I am going to my quarters.
Ransom, T'Ana, Shaxs. You're with me. We can still get to our party.
FREE SHOTS - BEERS - FOOD
All right, who's drinking?
Hey, cheer up.
They've been running that stupid party for generations.
You're not the first two to end up in here after striking out.
Oh, yeah?
What is that--
-No way! -What?
KIRK + SPOCK
Captain Kirk drank here?
He and his pointy-eared pal tried to party crash back in…
What was it? 2260-something.
Ended up right here.
Lady, you do not look that old. I am very jealous. Respect.
Appreciate that, baby!
Kirk and Spock drank here? Kirk and Spock!
The blonde one did most of the drinking.
This is amazing! This bar's, like, history.
We're here for the captains' party. We didn't miss it, did we?
Nope, they go all night long.
-Boom! -Hold on.
-They're with me. -And you are?
Captain Carol Freeman.
-Of the Cerritos? -You're not on the list.
I fought alongside the Titan at the Battle of Kallah.
Kudos, you aren't getting in.
John! Captain Anderson! Could you tell him I'm the Pakled captain!
Okona! How are you?
Anderson!
-Okona is in there? -He's the DJ.
He's not even Starfleet! This is outrageous.
Maybe we should go.
Our ship might not be the biggest,
and we might do the missions nobody else wants,
but we are still Starfleet.
My crew deals with just as much **** as Picard's or any other.
We might be California-class, but we are the best at what we do.
I'm Captain Carol Freeman, this is my crew,
and you are letting us into that party!
I liked your speech, Captain.
Thank you, Jack.
Hey. Check it out.
Should we hide?
I deserve more respect.
I once escorted the Enterprise out of spacedock, damn it!
I hear ya. One time I let Admiral Verma put a **** up my ****.
Hey, guys. You bail on that big party?
Yeah, that's right. It was fine. Just, you know, too loud in there.
Oh, cool.
Well, if you're not partied out, we're drinking at Kirk's old bar.
You wanna check it out?
Excuse me, Captain Freeman--
Thank you for de-duplicating me. I really need to work on my confidence.
Yeah. You do!
My meeting doesn't start for another hour.
I'm wondering if you know any place I could relax? You know, someplace calm.
You know what? I do.
Captain to transporter room 2…
Excuse me? This is a private party!
I'm so sorry!
I can't believe I almost got crushed competing with myself.
Well, since you're a new Rutherford, I figured it was time for a new model!
DEEP SPACE NINE
It comes with an Ezri and a Jadzia!
Thanks, Tendi.
Let's never finish this one.
You know what? This worked out pretty well.
Everyone I actually like to socialize with is here.
Yeah, turns out this is the best party in the quadrant.
Right, Number One?
Right. Hey!
No! Too late! You're my number one now!
-It doesn't work like that. -Yes, it does. I watched it happen.
No, Captain, don't do that. I want a redo!
-No, you're my sidekick from now on! -I am not!
Boimler's my number one! Now he has to grow a beard!
MARINER + BOIMLER
ORIGINAL STAR TREK THEME BY ALEXANDER COURAGE