[clattering]
And repairs are complete. Should we head back in?
Wow, would you look at that!
[all] Ah!
Captain, we just received a distress call from the Bakersfield.
They're caught in a temporal causality loop.
Wait a minute. I'm getting the same distress call again.
Hold on. And now again.
Sounds like a time loop, all right. We'd better hurry. Warp me!
A view like this makes you realize it doesn't matter what deck you work on.
We're all in it together.
[warp engines revving]
And they left us. They left us.
How much oxygen do we have? A lot? A little? Ballpark?
I'm sure they'll turn back at any second, and we'll have a good laugh about it.
[chuckles]
[all shivering]
See, guys? We're laughing! [nervous laugh]
There we go. Nothing a little lung rejuvenation won't fix.
See? You're fine.
Oh, yeah. Act like it's not a big deal that you left us to die in the void.
This all could've been avoided if you'd followed protocol
and signed out your magnet boots.
Maybe that wouldn't have mattered
since lower decks are so expendable to you.
Ridiculous! We're all equals on this ship, right?
-Uh, they sleep in a hallway. -Oh.
I'm not gonna argue with you, Beckett.
I have to make impossible life-and-death decisions every day.
Yeah, no kidding! It's always our life or death.
Ditch the attitude.
A Starfleet drill instructor is going to be testing the crew later today,
and I don't need you messing up our score
because you've got a chip on your shoulder.
Oh, great! Yeah, well, I hope one of the drills tests
to see if anyone on the bridge is a giant piece of--
I heard the drill instructor's Pandronian.
You know they can split their bodies into three parts?
I thought I was a triple threat.
[groans]
[Mariner] Drills, what a waste of time.
I'd even take real work over this. Like, fake pretend work.
Good morning, Cerritos!
This one is Shari yn Yem, your friendly Starfleet drill administrator.
Like many of you, this one started from the bottom,
but with hard work and plenty of drills, this one is now… at the top!
[cheering]
These simulator holopods are each programmed with individualized drills,
based on situations other Starfleet crews have experienced.
Every pod has a certain amount of points you can earn for doing a good job.
Everyone's score is displayed right here,
so you can see how you stack up against your fellow crew.
Almost seems unfair to make them compete with us.
Gonna be a piece of cake.
This one will be flipping your ranks.
Low-level officers will be given command of the bridge,
while senior officers will be placed on the lower decks.
Excuse me, what?
Well, there's no better way to evaluate a crew's readiness
than from the bottom up, Captain. Or should I say, Ensign?
[cheering]
[Mariner] Yeah! This rules!
I get to be Senior Medical Officer!
Ooh, baby! I'm Chief Engineer!
Good day to you, Captain Boimler.
Good day to you, Captain Mariner.
They actually think they're gonna be able to handle our jobs?
This is gonna be rich.
All right. Deck 12. Follow the yellow line.
Move it along, lower decks.
-[Freeman groans] -[T'Ana] Son of a…
All right! Let's get into it.
I wanna rack up some points early
so I can spend the rest of the day soaking in my commander's tub.
[computer] "Mirror Universe Encounter."
Mirror universe? This is easy. Yeah. I can pretend to be evil.
[sinister laugh]
As captain, you must infiltrate the Terran Empire
and find a way back to your own dimension.
[clears throat] Long live the Empire! I love to hate!
-What up, Migleemo? -[screeches]
Yikes.
[moans] Nothing makes me hornier than torturing someone.
I'm horny all the time!
And being horny always gets me in the mood to torture.
Oh, and you can lose a whole day to that cycle.
Okay, screw finding an ally.
Let's take over the ship
and see if we can dismantle the Terran Empire from the inside.
[computer] Deviation from mission parameters results in loss of points.
Okay. All right, I get it. Yeah, you're not exactly rewarding creativity.
Who dareth bump into me?
Oh, I dareth!
I double-dog dareth! [grunts]
[groans] Okay, good. Just checking.
I need to figure out a way to impress or kill the captain
so I can get on a more sinister ship.
[cackling]
Long live the Empire!
Long live the-- Wait.
Did you just salute me with your left hand?
Our Mariner is right-handed!
Uh, no. I just-- I strained this shoulder flogging a Vulcan!
[shrieks]
-Get her! -[yelps]
[screams] Oh!
[computer] Fail!
Damn.
Don't worry, Commander. You'll have other opportunities to get ahead!
[chuckles] That's one of my faves.
[groans]
[computer] "Medical Ethics."
Chief Medical Officer.
Your mission: navigate a paralyzed Klingon's request for an honorable death.
Oh! Uh, okay.
You must help me kill myself. I broke my back picking up a peanut.
Well, as head of medical, I'm not supposed to do any harm.
-[alarm blares] -Points deducted.
What? Oh!
I guess in that case, let's send you off to Sto-Vo-Kor! [nervous laugh]
No! You must use my ceremonial blade!
Ew! No! It'll be quick and painless this way.
Points deducted.
Huh? Wha-- I gotta hurt him?
You refuse to honor my culture?
Oh, no, no, sir. I wanna kill you.
Just give me the knife!
[screams]
Good God! What did you do? This Klingon isn't dead.
[stammers] I was trying to save him?
What? Come on.
-Come on! -Faster! Kill me! Kill!
We have to get this warrior an honorable death. Stat!
Get me 300 ccs of any type of poison!
I have to die!
[bleep] They have giant hearts, so many backup organs.
Sir, it's done. There's nothing else we can do.
Damn it! Call it. Time of life, 0900.
No!
-[Tendi] Sorry. -Fail!
[computer beeping]
[computer] "Old West Planet."
As captain, you must survive a lawless frontier town in Earth's 19th century.
-But beware, for you are a wanted man-- -Yeah, yeah, I get it.
Trapped in cowboy land. It's a Starfleet classic. Yeehaw.
Just gotta find the saloon.
What? I haven't even done anything creative.
[horse whinnies]
Oh, we have to ride the horses?
Okay. Seems kinda like a narrow parameter for a drill.
[whinnies]
Calm down! Horses love me. I'm a maverick.
-[whinnies] -[grunting]
-Help! Bad horse! No! -[computer] Fail.
-[computer beeps] -[Mariner yelping]
Tsk-tsk-tsk. Mm-hmm-hmm.
[computer] "The Good of the Many."
Chief Engineer, enter the chamber and fix the warp core breach to save the ship.
-Okeydokey! -Sir, the radiation.
You can't go in there!
I have to, son. I'm chief engineer!
Ooh, ooh! That sounds so good!
Ow! Hot. Maybe if-- [screams] Freaking radiation!
[computer] Warp core breach imminent.
I know, computer, but how am I supposed to--
-[yelps] -Wow, this really shouldn't be that hard!
Shut up, Ensign! Wait, my boot.
Warp core critical.
Ha-ha!
Come on. Come on.
Got it!
-[gasps] -[computer] Fail!
[groans]
[computer] "Borg Encounter."
Uh, could you be a little more specific than that?
-Resist the Borg. -Okay. You know what? That's fine.
I've read literally everything about the Borg. I've got this.
Wow! The detail on this is amazing.
[robotic voice] We are Borg. Resistance is futile.
[gasps] Whoa! This is so cool. Oh, sorry. Please, keep going. Do the thing.
We will add your biological distinctiveness to our own.
You will be assimilated.
Can't have that.
All right, can't adjust the frequency anymore.
Yoink.
Yeah!
[Boimler laughing]
-[babies babbling] -[Boimler] Ooh!
-Oh. -[babbling continues]
[grunts]
Oh! An escape sphere.
Whoo-hoo!
[computer] Mission accomplished.
Oh-ho, yeah! That's right. Boimler's the Borg man!
Your score is 79%.
Seventy-nine? No, no. I can do better than that. Can I restart?
If you score below passing, you will be locked out.
Yeah, yeah. Hit me. Come on. Let's go.
[Borg] We are--
[panting]
Come on, Borg baby. This time, you're coming with me.
[grunting] Whoo-hoo!
Eighty-three percent.
[groans] I can do better.
[groans]
Whoo-hoo!
Eighty-four percent.
Do it again. Hit me!
"Naked Time"?
As captain, you must save your crew,
who are under the influence of a virus that reduces their inhibitions.
Oh, no.
This is that disease that made everyone fight and have sex all over the place.
Can you resist your own temptations and save the ship?
Come on, girl. Last one. You got this.
Wow, everyone's very slick and sliding around.
Keep your hands to yourselves. Hey, that's an anus!
[all moaning]
Oh.
Oh! [screams]
I can't tell where I end and you begin.
It's naked time!
[Mariner] Fail me! Fail me! Seriously! Why is this drill still going?
Fail me! Put me back in the Western!
[computer beeping]
[groans] I failed every single drill.
At least you weren't responsible for the destruction of a whole ship.
All those life-and-death decisions.
I honestly don't know how Dr. T'Ana does it every day.
Mmm! Computer, what is this?
[computer] That is pesto.
Where's Boimler? He lives for this kind of spread.
Last I heard, he was still doing his drill.
Yeah, right. I bet he bombed out just like us and he doesn't want to admit it.
We got your signal.
-How were you able to-- -Just fly.
-Ninety-four percent. -Again.
Your score is already in the top tenth percentile--
I said again!
[sighs] It hurts me to say this,
but maybe the bridge crew's jobs are actually harder than we thought.
Yeah, well, I'm sure right now
they're finding out just how hard it is to do our jobs too.
[snoring]
I almost forgot how easy being a lower decker is.
All I did was stand in the back of a banquet all day.
I just waited in the transporter bay in case anybody needed to be transported.
Why did we ever rank up, again?
So what if their showers are a little cramped
or their replicators can only make one slice of pizza at a time?
A small price to pay for no worries and no responsibilities.
Even these close quarters don't bother me.
[sighs]
[exhales] Yep, I could get used to this easy life.
-[alarm blares] -[yelps]
[T'Ana] What the [bleep]?
[all groaning]
[computer] "Klingon Encounter."
Really? I think I know how to handle one of those.
Ensigns, your mission is to support your commanders.
[grunting]
Stop goofing around, ensigns! The ship's under attack!
-What happened? -Don't worry about it! Get to work!
These crates aren't gonna stack themselves.
Really? There are Klingons on the other side of the hull, and this is our job?
Son of a--
[grunts]
If they wanted us to stack these, then why are they shaped like this?
Quick! Have you seen a Q come through here?
-Q is on the ship? -Forget I said anything!
Commander, wait! We're Starfleet officers! We can help you. Just tell us what's--
The Jem'Hadar? Get to battle stations!
Damn it!
Aha! I got it!
[rumbling]
[computer] Fail!
Now that both sides have been put through individual tests,
your last drill will be a joint exercise.
A simulated experience that uses your real bridge!
The true test of a crew is seeing how you can unite as a single team.
[Mariner] "Steal the Cerritos from Spacedock
and use it to save Spock on the Genesis Planet."
-Okay, yeah! -An oldie but a goody.
And just what do you think you're doing, Ensign Freeman?
[grunts] Force of habit.
All right, look alive, people.
Yeoman Ransom, let's get some fresh coffee on deck.
Yes, sir.
Ensign Freeman, full thrusters. Take us out.
Aye, Captain.
Ninety seconds to Spacedock.
[Shaxs groans]
Ensign Shaxs, what are you doing?
Requesting permission to stretch, Captain.
My back's killing me from sleeping in those bunks.
Oh. It's naked time!
[gasps] No! Stop that! Stop now!
Geez, what's gotten into you?
It's just-- It's something I'm remembering from the drills.
The one where you couldn't even get on a horse?
How do you know about that?
The drills are public, Beckett. I watched a playback.
I'm just saying,
two and a half years of lessons and that's what you had to show for it?
[grunts] Congratulations, Ensign. You've earned yourself a trip to the brig.
-I've never been sent to the brig! -Well, now ya have!
-On what grounds? -On my grounds!
This is why you have so much to learn before--
-Let go of the helm! -I am speaking--
Captain, did you want your coffee with cream or--
Dang. That's gotta be a record.
Actually it is.
I can't believe we didn't even make it out of the Spacedock.
There's not even a numerical score for that! Just incomplete.
[groans] Somehow that feels worse.
-I guess I-- -You know, I--
-Oh, you go. -No, no, no, you.
[sighs] You know, it's been so long since I've been an ensign,
I forgot how hard it can be when you're not in the loop.
In a lot of ways, taking orders is the more challenging job.
That's nice to hear, but ditto.
Commander-level stuff is hard.
Just the constant tightrope-walk of protocol, not worth the pesto.
Guess the carpet's always grayer on the other side of the ship.
Big-time.
-[people chattering] -Do they know what "stack" means?
-Dr. T'Ana! -We're [bleep] stacking for what reason?
[laughing]
Hold on, that's what this has all been about!
That drills consultant made us suffer through all of this crap
just so we'd understand what the other ranks go through.
That's the actual drill here.
Oh! You're right!
Where is that tri-bodied little trickster? I want to shake her hand.
Yo, Shari Yingo Yango!
-We figured you out, girl! -You did?
Yeah, these drills were secretly about team building.
You came in to make us appreciate each other more.
And it worked! Thanks to you,
the Cerritos crew will move forward with greater empathy
and a deeper appreciation for each other.
[laughing]
Oh, no, you won't be moving forward at all.
[cackling]
Uh, what are-- What is she laughing about?
Oh, come on. Your drill scores are well below failing.
Once they're submitted,
Starfleet Command will relegate and reassign this entire crew.
So, this wasn't about teamwork?
[chuckles] Teamwork? No, this was about saving my job.
The bigger ships always passed my drills with no problem.
It was starting to seem like we didn't need a drills program at all.
This one needed a crew to fall short to prove the drills were still valuable.
And, oh, did I find a crew.
You targeted us for failure?
This is a ship whose captain left four ensigns
on a space walk to answer a distress call.
It was a pretty safe bet.
And of course, it didn't hurt to goose the drills a bit.
Oh, I knew it! That mirror universe drill was rigged!
They were all rigged! [laughs]
And those horses? I would never get trampled by a horse!
Oh, actually, no. The horses weren't rigged.
I ran out of time. That one's on you.
Horses love me! Shut up!
We won't let you get away with this!
Cerritos crew, we've got to do more drills to get our scores up!
It's too late! Once the drills have been failed, you're locked out.
Soon this one will submit your final scores to Starfleet,
-and that will be the end of-- -Wait, shut up! The drills aren't over!
-One's still active. -What? Which one?
-It's Boimler! -How?
That Borg drill should've been over hours ago.
Well, it doesn't matter.
One passing score will make little difference.
-[gasps] If the drills aren't finished… -Our scores aren't final!
Boimler, can you hear me?
Hey, Mariner, I was just about to close out this drill. I finally got a perfect--
[Freeman] Don't you finish that drill, Ensign. That's an order.
Cap'n! But I beat the Borg Queen in chess, and I taught her empathy.
Just stay in that drill! The crew is counting on you.
Yeah, Shari Bing Bang is trying to screw us,
but she can't until your drill is over. Just keep Borging!
I'm on it.
[Borg] Resistance is futile.
[groans] Man.
You know you've already lost, right?
All you're doing is torturing that young officer.
-He'll be fine. He's one of our best. -He is?
None of you are the best!
You're on a California-class ship.
Most of the Federation doesn't even know you exist.
The smaller the ship, the tougher the crew.
Oh, please. Face the truth!
This one's made the drills.
This one's read all about life on starships.
Exactly. You've read how to work in space.
But have you ever been in a real life-or-death situation?
That doesn't matter!
It's about to.
Captain on deck! Real captain.
Ensign Tendi, run a long-range scan
for any potentially hazardous anomalies in this system.
-Yes, sir. Is this a new drill? -Oh, no. This is real.
What is that supposed to mean?
All right, let's see. We've got a tetryon wormhole,
chroniton radiation stream, ooh, a loner crystalline entity.
A crystalline entity consuming a rogue planet.
A couple crystalline entities getting frisky.
Huh. Lots of-- Lots of crystalline entities today.
Must be crystalline entity season or something.
Ensign, set an intercept course for one of those crystalline entities, warp four.
Aye, aye, Captain!
"The Crystalline Entity" is drill number 89, a classic. Can't wait.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, no!
No, no, no, no, no.
Come on, Mariner. Whatever you're doing up there, hurry! [gasps]
Borg Queen!
[stammers] How's the empathy?
We were able to assimilate it.
No, no, no, no, no! My score!
Captain, we've reached the crystalline entity.
It appears to be feeding on unstable nebula radiation.
Oh, my! It's bigger than this one thought.
Unstable, huh?
Seems like something we should investigate.
Shields up. Take us in.
What, no! In my drill you're never supposed to--
This isn't a drill.
-[grunts] -[rumbling]
Shields holding, Captain,
but I'm reading transphasic energy within the perimeter.
Oh! That's a new one. Let's get a closer look!
No! We don't know the effect of-- [screams]
Controls are getting choppy.
[Mariner] We're caught in an electromagnetic resonance belt.
I think we're in trouble!
This is not good!
[screaming]
[whimpering]
Mariner, I really need to get out of here, like, now!
-[blowing] -Ooh. [chuckles] Kinda tickles!
A remarkable creature.
Your design very nearly passes as human.
-I am human. -Oh!
Wow.
Then you need to drink more water. Your skin is a mess.
But still, I think I should add your biological distinctiveness to our own.
It's kind of our thing.
Are-- Are you sure?
Because I've got hay fever and acid reflux.
Adding me might result in a net negative for the collective.
[screams]
[rumbling]
Oh, this one's gonna puke! [screams]
We need to fire a graviton pulse to punch a hole out.
On my mark.
Mmm…
Say mark, say mark! What are you waiting for?
Just making sure you're as scared as you're going to get.
You're [bleep] crazy!
-Mark! -Full impulse!
-[firing] -[Yem screaming]
Mariner, find me something else dangerous to scan.
-I'm in the mood for a black hole. -Why?
We're gonna keep doing this until you change our score.
There's a black hole feeding on a temporal rift just three systems over.
Lots of time quakes.
Sounds perfect. Maximum warp!
You can't blackmail me at the expense of your crew!
They do this kind of work every day.
You gonna give us a passing grade?
Or are we just gonna keep seeking out dangerous situations
for you to see up close?
[yelps, screams]
Stop! Stop! We can't--
[screams]
Get me out of here! Get me out of here!
Oh, we could do this all day, lady!
All right! Fine, you win.
You win!
There, it's done. You've passed.
-Mr. Rutherford, stop our spin. -Aye, Captain.
[grunts] What? But the temporal black hole?
Well, that was kind of a lie.
-It's just a regular black hole. -Yeah. No biggie.
Which you would've known if you weren't a total fraud.
I'll be sure to put that in my report.
[cheering]
[groans]
Boimler, we did it! Hey, it's all good. You can exit the drill now.
Boimler?
I can hear him shuffling around in there.
Mr. Boimler, you can come out now. You saved the ship.
[Boimler] There is no Boimler. I am Excretus of Borg.
Get him out of there!
[sighs]
Assimilate! I must assimilate! I--
[gasping] Where am I?
You're still on the Cerritos, Mr. Boimler.
The crew owes you a debt of gratitude.
I was assimilated. They put implants on my--
Ear! Is where they put the implants. Right in your ear.
Come on, pal. You need a drink.
Did I get my perfect score?
You sure did. 100%!
Hell, yeah. Hit me. Hit me again.
Shari yn Yem is no longer working for Starfleet.
Apparently, she stepped down because of "on-the-job stress."
Feels good ruining a jerk's career.
Agreed. And there was one thing she did manage to teach us today.
Oh! New replicator?
Let's just say we experienced what the lower decks have been eating
and noticed it could use some improvement.
We updated this one with most of the senior officer menu codes.
[shouting] We got pesto?
If you're going to be facing danger on a daily basis,
might as well get the good stuff.
Thanks, guys. This is really nice.
Ooh! Does it make the lobster mac and cheese with the breaded top?
[Shaxs] Sounds like the one thing the Borg left you with was your appetite.
[all laughing]
[Boimler] They took everything that I was.
Pew pew! Pew, pew, pew! Pew pew!
Chirp.